Love: Today, while in the shower with my girlfriend she was going on... - FML

By showerpower - 21/01/2010 00:23 - United States

Today, while in the shower with my girlfriend she was going on and on about how she thinks she's fat when she's in perfect shape. With what she said still on my mind, I meant to say "honey, you're so beautiful", but accidentally said "honey, you're so fat". I'll be sleeping alone tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 478

You deserved it 34 803

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

BO Central

Batman

Pushover

By Anonymous - 04/09/2020 14:05

Today, my in-laws invited themselves to stay at my house for a few days. They live out of state and have been self-quarantining for months. The reason for visiting? So they can throw a party for extended family at our house. Guess who'll end up doing all the work and clean up? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 341

You deserved it 184

By anonymous - 01/04/2012 18:38 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was making love to my boyfriend, when he said "I love you, baby." I told him to go deeper, but instead of doing so, he decided to completely kill the mood by stopping and saying it again in a Barry White type voice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 480

You deserved it 10 302

By kiwi2323 - 26/09/2012 01:48 - United States

Spicy

Today, my intoxicated husband asked my very conservative parents how their sex life is now that all the kids are out of the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 314

You deserved it 3 329

By megomania - 02/05/2011 13:51 - United States

Today, I was so sick that I was puking and had the runs. While on the toilet, I yelled for my boyfriend to get me a bowl to puke in. As I did so, I saw that a ton of it was forming on the floor in dots. My boyfriend had given me a spaghetti strainer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 945

You deserved it 4 416

By Anonymous - 13/08/2010 16:13 - United States

Today, my friend thought it would be funny to hack my Facebook and "like" everybody's statuses. This includes my boyfriend's about his grandmother dying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 255

You deserved it 6 127

Throwing shade

By deargodwhy - 04/09/2020 10:03

Today, my 12-year-old daughter was suspended from school for doing a book report on 50 Shades of Grey. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 084

You deserved it 740

By prin - 05/09/2009 06:30 - United States

Today, someone asked my fiancée and I how we met. She said, "Well, it was just supposed to be a one night stand!" and laughed, right as I was about to take her hand and say, "It was love at first sight!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 510

You deserved it 5 787

By ParanoidFreak - 31/12/2009 09:31 - United States

Today, after I got in my car in the Walmart parking lot, a creepy man knocked on my window. Since I'm incredibly paranoid and scare easily, I put my car in gear and tore out of there, accidentally hitting another car. Apparently he was returning my phone that I dropped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 914

You deserved it 40 108

By Anonymous - 06/07/2019 04:49

Today, I set up a date between my roommate, who I'm in love with, and his crush, who I'm jealous of. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 180

You deserved it 957

By fabz - 27/11/2015 12:39 - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, my boss confirmed he is a micro-managing asshole. We walked into the office together and I turned on the lights. He switched them off and switched them on again, just to make sure that I did it right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 962

You deserved it 1 633

By peepee. - 30/09/2010 03:17 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend I had to go to the bathroom. He said "Okay baby, go drop your load." He also used the same voice as when he talks to his cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 602

You deserved it 4 468

By me - 08/09/2012 22:39 - United States

Today, I discovered a large and somewhat disturbing whitehead inside my ear crevice. Apparently it's been there for a while, because everyone at work has nicknamed it Hugo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 921

You deserved it 3 050

By Shelly P. - 29/01/2012 00:10 - United States

Today, my boyfriend gave me twelve roses and told me that he would love me until the last one dies. Remembering the Facebook like, I began looking for the fake one but couldn't find it. When I pointed out that all twelve were real and would die within days, he responded, "Exactly." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 446

You deserved it 3 515

By Anonymous - 22/10/2010 04:00 - United States

Today, I was going to my first job interview since I was laid off. About 10 yards from the door, I felt a sharp pain in my side and something in my pocket. It turned out to be a knife in my side, and a mugger robbing me because I looked rich. I haven't had any money in months, and missed the interview. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 299

You deserved it 2 866

You want a piece of me?

By littlepeepboo - 30/01/2018 01:30

Today my boyfriend tried to be sexy and rip off my underwear. Instead, he bit a chunk out of my hip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 040

You deserved it 427

By Anonymous - 21/04/2011 18:18 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to the dentist to have a tooth pulled. The day before, I was too anxious to eat anything, so I went in with an empty stomach. There were complications during the extraction and now I'm not allowed to eat for the next 24 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 897

You deserved it 9 680

Condom advertisement

By Willow McGarrigle - 30/05/2020 02:00

Today, my ex messaged me, saying he got his new girlfriend pregnant and that he thinks I have something to do with it. He thinks I put it in her head that they should have a kid together, when he says he didn't want any in the first place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 522

You deserved it 120

By TOOshort - 23/04/2019 16:00

Today, several of my apartment complex neighbors walked right by me as I struggled to clean the inches thick, icy snow off of my SUV. I’m 4’11. Not one person offered to assist me, even after I slipped and fell several times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 506

You deserved it 2 163

By dontask - 01/10/2010 01:55 - United States

Today, the guy I've been crushing on for years and I finally went on a date. While on the date, he threw up in my purse and stuck tampons up his nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 751

You deserved it 4 407

By knepmj - 16/03/2016 09:44 - United States

Today, I got locked inside my apartment due to the locking mechanism being stuck, so I had to call off work. They refused to believe me, and insisted that I be in on time or else there would be disciplinary actions taken. Maintenance wasn't available till 3 hours into my shift. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 951

You deserved it 1 382

Bad Moon Rising

By SleeplessinNJ - 10/12/2020 05:01 - United States - Raritan

Today, one of my fiancé's groomsmen is an alcoholic, and my fiance is in denial about it. He's a nice guy when sober, but belligerent, disrespectful and out of control when drinking. My fiancé refuses to acknowledge my anxiety at having him in our wedding with an open bar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 831

You deserved it 76

By Jlipka - 22/05/2010 02:33 - United States

Today, while house sitting, I went to take my pizza out of the oven, not realizing that the oven mitt had a hole in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 771

You deserved it 5 584

Don't touch me, bitch

By Grace - 14/11/2020 23:02

Today, I found out that when you try to pick up my cat, its response is to let out the most stinky fart it can. FML

I agree, your life sucks 690

You deserved it 171

By Anonymous - 14/01/2010 05:10 - United States

Today, I was on the computer in the library on campus. I was facebook stalking this really cute girl that I often see on campus. As I'm looking at her profile pictures, I turn around and the girl is standing right behind me. She gave me a disgusted look and walked off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 533

You deserved it 44 473

By joyness - 20/12/2012 14:49 - Taiwan - Taipei

Spicy

Today, I was sleeping on an airplane. I dreamed that I was running my hands up and down my friend's leg sexually to creep him out. I woke up and I realized that I was running my hand up and down the leg of the old man sitting next to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 150

You deserved it 24 658

By disgusteddaughter - 13/06/2011 08:58 - Australia

Today, my mum's boyfriend came back from a job up-state. He is now walking around the house in boxers to "show off his tan". He has a beer gut and a hairy back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 671

You deserved it 3 409

By Anonymous - 06/02/2014 23:07 - United States - San Ramon

Today, my mother-in-law tried to "accidentally" run me over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 304

You deserved it 4 197

By Lost - 14/01/2010 15:57 - United States

Today, it was my 18th birthday. Nobody said anything. Gillette sent me a free razor though. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 229

You deserved it 3 139

By toomuch - 22/11/2011 09:36 - Australia

Spicy

Today, I went to my doctor. I casually asked him why I keep getting headaches after I masturbate. He said it probably was a sign from God. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 248

You deserved it 12 839

By Anonymous - 19/05/2011 05:58 - United States

Today, after searching for a job for over a year now, I finally got an interview. The pressure made me so nervous that I passed out in the middle of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 264

You deserved it 5 661

By Space†Witch - 03/01/2019 04:00

Today, I'm working a photography gig for a very prominent metal band. The doorman asked me for my I.D, which I happily obliged. I am 27, however I look like I'm still in my mid to late teens. He will not let me in, even with my I.D, and the band that hired me won't answer their phones. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 012

You deserved it 183

By Mnm54312 - 04/07/2016 07:19 - United States - Dearborn

Today, I moved into a new apartment. While moving boxes, I ran into my supervisor from work. Guess who lives across the hall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 064

You deserved it 923

By -_- - 18/02/2012 00:13 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I went to an extended family reunion. I started chatting to my great grandpa, and he asked me what I do for a living. Before I could tell him I breed animals, my visibly drunk dad interrupted and slurred, "Oh, she jacks things off. Horses, pigs, just about anything, really." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 836

You deserved it 4 050

By wetdreams - 05/02/2012 00:35 - Canada

Today, was the fifth night I've dreamed of brushing my teeth. I wake up about three times a night because as I spit in my dream, I actually spit on my face as I'm sleeping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 086

You deserved it 3 180

By NocturnalFox - 25/08/2015 19:46 - Czech Republic - Plzen

Today, I went on a first date with my crush. Right before the date, I noticed a monstrous pimple in the middle of my forehead. I covered it with make-up, but it was still visible. The guy spent the whole evening laughing at me and telling me that I look like an unicorn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 821

You deserved it 2 168

Money for whining

By Anonymous - 14/05/2021 23:59 - Dominican Republic - Santo Domingo

Today, I realized I get paid to hear my boss complain and talk crap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 678

You deserved it 103

By Clumsy - 25/04/2009 09:09 - United States

Today, I was doing a fitness test. Though clumsy, I managed to spin around a bat then dash across a balance beam, run through some tires, and walk across a log floating in water. Pleased with my performance, I walked to the bathroom, tripped on my shoelace, and bust my head on the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 476

You deserved it 5 460

From a great height

By Anonymous - 08/05/2021 21:59

Today, I was sitting on the back porch with my husband. I felt two raindrops land on my head, so I said we should go inside because it was starting to rain. It turned out to just be a bird shitting on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 903

You deserved it 74

By momlife - 28/03/2016 20:45 - Canada - Ajax

Today, I had to end a phone conversation with, "I gotta go, my daughter's eating toilet paper." FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 025

You deserved it 2 057

By Jman212 - 09/10/2017 13:00 - United States - New Braunfels

Today, my work-mandated anger management therapist gave me some sage advice: "Get a new job." FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 161

You deserved it 374

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Top comments

alexandraa_fml 0

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Thursday 21 January 2010 9:24

She deserves it for fishing for compliments.

24788 6

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Thursday 21 January 2010 9:30

You know you wanted to say that because she's always bitching about her weight. I hate how fit woman say they are fat and need to lose weight. I'm so fat I can't eat one piece of brownie or it will go straight to my thighs... Good, I'm fucking glad then you won't break in half when I bend you over.

Comments

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Thursday 21 January 2010 9:16

Lawl, that's terrible.

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Thursday 9 August 2012 23:55

Poor guy :(

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Thursday 21 January 2010 9:16

Freudian slip! Whoops.

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Thursday 21 January 2010 9:21

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

alexandraa_fml 0

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Thursday 21 January 2010 9:24

She deserves it for fishing for compliments.

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Thursday 21 January 2010 19:40

This.

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Friday 22 January 2010 3:07

she does deserve it for fishing and you deserve it for being outright retarded saying that your girlfriend is fat. dd you really think calling her fat would end well?

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Friday 22 January 2010 4:04

it was obviously an accident. but fyl anyways, compliment fishers derserve to be called fat

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Friday 22 January 2010 5:57

I agree with # 4

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Friday 29 January 2010 3:54

Agreed. When a compliment fisher says something bad about themselves you should always agree.

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Saturday 30 January 2010 1:59

it was an accident .

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Friday 23 July 2010 21:10

it was an accident. when someone is talking about something, and you're thinking about something else, you absentmindedly say what they were talking about? yep

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Monday 10 October 2011 18:39

70 you're an idiot. It was an accident!

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Thursday 21 January 2010 9:27

Grow a pair and explain yourself rather than taking your sitcom-style punishment. If she can't understand it was a slip up, maybe it's a good idea to find a different girl who has a level head on her shoulders.

thatoneguyinca 0

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Thursday 21 January 2010 17:02

Totally, he's a tool. Men are getting more and more pussified daily, I can't take it!! Just fucking google "leykis 101" and you'll learn the truth.

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Friday 22 January 2010 3:10

Yeah, because those 101 "rules" will totally help out in his situation.

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Wednesday 27 January 2010 3:41

Could have easily laughed it off aand said, "my tongue got twisted, babe, I meant to saay 'you're so beautiful'" so I don't see why OP didn't.

myinitialsarecoc 0

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Thursday 21 January 2010 9:28

Should of added '..With a p-h'

24788 6

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Thursday 21 January 2010 9:30

You know you wanted to say that because she's always bitching about her weight. I hate how fit woman say they are fat and need to lose weight. I'm so fat I can't eat one piece of brownie or it will go straight to my thighs... Good, I'm fucking glad then you won't break in half when I bend you over.

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Thursday 21 January 2010 9:46

win^

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Thursday 21 January 2010 11:13

Yup, constantly arguing with a mate who points out some anorexic bird and it's like dude, she'd snap if I tried it. That's not gonna go well!

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Thursday 21 January 2010 9:37

lmao at 7. "when i bend you over" ahahah

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Thursday 21 January 2010 9:41

I want to Falcon Punch girls like that

whataloadofbull 0

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Thursday 21 January 2010 14:55

Dude, you've been playing way too much Super Smash lately...

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Thursday 21 January 2010 16:00

http://www.google.com/url?q=http://www.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3DFFtw7qW7Vcw&ei=_GtYS6KoIJH-M6r79MwE&sa=X&oi=video_result&resnum=12&ct=thumbnail&ved=0CCIQuAIwCw&usg=AFQjCNFKm99anREJUQbKITXyBLGss4RXCA

paramorefan125 0

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Thursday 21 January 2010 9:47

girls lyk tht gt on my fukken nerves dude. tha only thing more annoying iz wen im eatin normal nd dey r goin anorexic nd dey look @ me nd r lyk "how cn u eat lyk tht in front of guys?" anywys wy off topic. so yeah dude tell her it ws a mistake jeez evry1 fukks up

f_alltheirlives 3

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Thursday 21 January 2010 10:01

"Silence! King Anoying is about to tell us things that are anoying and lyk gt on hiz nervzes"

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Thursday 21 January 2010 10:02

english lessons, take some please... i beg you please

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Thursday 21 January 2010 10:12

holy mother of shit!! pleaseee teach me to speak like that...........nott where do you learn this terrible language i dubbed: "retarded-14-year-old-gangstaaa-phat-farm-wearing-kid-drinking-bacardi-and-puking-after-1-sip-thinking-your-hardcore!"

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Thursday 21 January 2010 19:48

Girls like that get on my fucking nerves dude. That only thing more annoying is when I’m eating [a] normal [meal] and they are going anorexic. They look at me and are like "How can you eat like that in front of guys?" Anyway, way off topic. So yeah, dude, tell her it was a mistake. Jeez everyone fucks up. Above: that is how a normal comment should look. Stop being a spelling troll. Also if you don't have manners then that might be why the girls are asking if you eat like that in front of other people. And a lot of girls i know snack throughout the day and control their intake of calories because it is not kosher for a girl to be large like a male.

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Tuesday 16 March 2010 4:42

God forbid a girl isn't kosher. I do believe she was refering to the amount not the way she was eating.

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Friday 5 November 2010 6:43

lyk omg gurls lyk u get on my fukken nerrrves too. Learn how to speak English... Please.

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Sunday 16 September 2012 21:57

people lyk u gt on my fcking nerves

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Thursday 23 January 2014 0:03

It seems like you would have to try to have this bad of grammer

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 029

You deserved it 134

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 239

You deserved it 301