Animals: Today, while in deep sleep, I was suddenly awoken by a tickle... - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45

You deserved it 3

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55

You deserved it 100

Spicy

Spicy

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 628

You deserved it 103

Grind mindset

By MyStomachHurts - 15/10/2021 05:00

Spicy

Today, my boss wrote me up for taking too many bathroom breaks. I tried calling in sick with a bad case of indigestion, but he told me to just power through it because, "it can't possibly be that bad." I have been in severe, persistent discomfort the whole damn day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 603

You deserved it 40

02/12/2016 13:43

Today, while in deep sleep, I was suddenly awoken by a tickle on my face and nearly threw my cat off the bed. Apparently, 4 a.m. Is the perfect time to touch noses with your human. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 414

You deserved it 1 552

Another great day to be alive

Can't win

Go to your OWN rooms!

22/09/2012 21:45

Today, I told my parents that I have a boyfriend. I was answering their questions about him, when my dad cut me off mid-sentence. He accused me of lying through my teeth, and said I'd based him off a character from a Harrison Ford movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 370

You deserved it 3 251

13/02/2012 04:45

Today, I was informed that my boyfriend's mother would be joining us on our Valentine's dinner. I'm not sure if this momma's boy thing is going to work out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 914

You deserved it 3 549

19/12/2010 20:51

Today, my last remaining pet, a hamster, died. Even he thinks it's better to drown in his water dish than brave the world living with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 050

You deserved it 7 175

02/08/2010 09:50

Today, I applied for a job and sent my CV, then realised I sent the example CV I got off the internet. Now they think Bob Brown who lives at 123 Sunshine Street is applying for a job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 745

You deserved it 38 188

30/04/2016 00:11

Today, I was laying on the couch with a cast on my broken ankle. My brother thought it would be funny to shoot my cast with a high-powered pellet gun. It went straight through the cast and now I need to go back to the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 634

You deserved it 1 314

22/02/2009 01:19

Today, I got my fake ID and went out with the boys to dinner and the bars. One of my friends asked to see my ID. He noticed my birthday didn't make me over 21. I paid $170 for a fake ID with my real birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 377

You deserved it 76 335

31/05/2009 14:55

Today, I washed my face and grabbed the towel to dry it, I felt something moving down my forehead, thinking it was a drop of water. Upon looking in the mirror, I found it hadn't been a drop of water. Unless the water drop had legs and was gooey. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 446

You deserved it 3 948

24/02/2009 11:02

Today, I rolled over a curb and bent one of the signs that read "Please Park Here After Your Road Test," at the DMV, because my foot slipped off the brake just before I put the car in park, which would've ended my Test. The first words out of the examiner's mouth were, "Well you would've passed." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 047

You deserved it 31 733

05/02/2011 06:07

Today, I found out my dad ate my pet rabbit two years ago. He said he ran away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 274

You deserved it 4 163

24/08/2014 20:03

Today, I landed my first job as a security officer. Only after I signed all the paperwork did I find out that the area I'll be working is apparently a hotspot for violent shootings. I'm screwed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 308

You deserved it 6 174

09/03/2009 06:35

Today, I was walking from my office to the place i had parked my car, a distance of approximately three blocks. As I was about to round the last corner I was forced to dive out of the way of a speeding car. As I looked up, I noticed that it was my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 99 645

You deserved it 4 393

19/12/2011 00:10

Today, my boyfriend proposed. I fainted due to the excitement. He took it as a "no" and won't pick up my calls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 411

You deserved it 4 409

26/09/2014 23:58

Today, a man approached my delivery van and asked for change for a $5 bill. I guess I should've expected him to grab the change and run off with the extra money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 653

You deserved it 6 605

04/09/2011 16:21

Spicy

Today, I finally got intimate with the girl I like. As I started lifting her shirt, she stuck her hand down my pants and grabbed my junk. She immediately stopped what she was doing, snickered, and calmly said, "Take me home." FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 112

You deserved it 6 346

22/01/2010 05:08

Today, I spent 3 hours in my home recording studio. I was recording vocals and was trying to hit a very hard series of notes. I nailed it after 2 hours and listened. You can hear the vocals, but the EQ settings were tweaked in just the right way where you can hear my dog licking his nuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 922

You deserved it 5 624

31/05/2014 15:05

Today, I took out my phone and realized I butt dialed my girlfriend and left her a 4 minute voicemail of me farting in an echoing toilet bowl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 837

You deserved it 9 181

28/05/2015 01:28

Today, I called 911 to report a drunk driver. The operator yelled at me for following the guy and told me to get off the phone because I shouldn't be driving with a phone to my ear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 295

You deserved it 7 245

10/02/2011 05:31

Today, to prevent a fistfight at work, I had to mediate a contested debate between two coworkers on what was evidently a very touchy subject: Which is better, the orange creamsicle or the ice cream sandwich? I was the only one to get in trouble for wasting company time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 634

You deserved it 4 643

She's lost control again

By Anonymous - 02/07/2019 13:01

Today, at the ripe old age of 23, I now no longer have no control over my farts when I cough. My many young students find this hilarious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 528

You deserved it 156

26/11/2009 22:11

Today, I decided to make myself a nice meal. I bought expensive pasta and sauce etc. It looked delicious, I decided the finishing touch would be some parmesan cheese. I grabbed the bag and threw a handful of cheese on my meal. The cheese was about 98% mould. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 548

You deserved it 29 817

26/08/2011 10:41

Today, at my boyfriend's house, I met his mother for the first time. And promptly fell in their pond. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 015

You deserved it 4 138

23/02/2010 05:17

Today, I went to Uni. I woke up at six and got to the station as the train was leaving. I was congratulating myself on my brilliant skill when, as we passed the carpark, I saw I had left my headlights on. It later cost more for the lead to jump start my car than it would have to drive to Uni myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 573

You deserved it 6 896

01/05/2011 08:20

Spicy

Today, I grabbed my t-shirt off the floor beside the bed and got up to walk my boyfriends dog. After several trips around the block and plenty of strange looks I got back upstairs and saw the used condom stuck to my sleeve from the night before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 429

You deserved it 46 139

14/09/2018 03:30

Today, I finally found out why I got a D in a class last semester. It was a heavily attendance-based class, and apparently he only marked you present if you participated in class discussion. It was a 100-seat lecture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 781

You deserved it 314

Lock your doors

By Anonymous - 27/05/2019 00:14

Spicy

Today, I was touching myself in my room. Just as I hit the climax, my mom walked in because she heard me making noises and thought I was having a nightmare. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 269

You deserved it 696

10/04/2009 18:39

Today, I was pulled over for not having my car inspection up to date. I had my car inspected two weeks earlier. Since I'm at college my sticker was mailed to my home. My mother didn't want to pay the 42cent postage so now I have to pay $250.00 because my mother is cheap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 914

You deserved it 4 344

19/05/2013 07:35

Today, the couch I bought a week ago was delivered. I don't know which is worse: my son being the one to point out it's been "used", or that he used a black light to prove it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 755

You deserved it 4 877

18/10/2011 01:14

Today, while sitting on the toilet, my phone pocket dialed my boss's cell. He was in the next stall. He answered. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 356

You deserved it 3 994

04/06/2011 19:48

Today, I received a phone call at work about an emergency and I had to come home immediately. I arrived to find that no one had been hurt and the house hadn't burned down. The "emergency" was my mom ran out of milk and cigarettes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 831

You deserved it 3 300

Family coincidence

By Anonymous - 06/11/2019 02:30

Today with a DNA test, I found out that my husband is my half brother. 30 years ago his father made a donation to the sperm bank my mother used, and I’m the result. To make matters worse, I’m pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 583

You deserved it 184

04/10/2009 07:03

Today, my computer stopped working. Me, the technology challenged one, decided to do a system recovery on it hoping that I could make it better. Turns out, system recovery means deleting all the files off the computer including family photos, music and assignments and starting fresh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 630

You deserved it 54 600

Karen strikes again

By lanadelreylover - 04/06/2021 17:01

Today, I was working at a carnival. I was on the ticket booth, and middle aged lady came up asking for a refund for $50 worth of tickets she didn’t use. However, there are signs saying I can’t give out refunds. She spent 10 minutes yelling at me to give her a refund. FML

I agree, your life sucks 959

You deserved it 58

11/01/2009 15:22

Today, my mother told me: "If you didn't exist, I wouldn't stay with your father". So it's MY fault if she's having problems with him? FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 069

You deserved it 2 347

10/10/2009 12:07

Today, I saw a man lying on the street. He seemed unconscious, so, being a nurse I went over and found he had choked. I removed the object from his throat and used CPR to revive him. My reward? A mouthful of vomit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 577

You deserved it 5 181

27/07/2016 20:32

Spicy

Today, when the power went out, my wife said it was too bad we couldn't have sex by candlelight since she had just started her period. The only time she brings up sex is when we can't do it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 406

You deserved it 1 698

26/01/2017 04:00

Today, I finally had the guts to tell my mom about her boyfriend hitting on me. Not only did she not care, but she got mad at me. I'm 15. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 675

You deserved it 469

Kinda sus, dude

By Anonymous - 10/01/2015 20:00

Today, my girlfriend was making lunch and asked me to pass her the peanut butter. I'll never know why, but as I handed it to her I said the first thing that came to mind, "I really want a dog." She looked at me in horror, then told me to get out of her house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 067

You deserved it 5 149

23/03/2009 02:15

Spicy

Today, I texted my boyfriend to see if he wanted to finally have sex today. His response was "Can't, Platinum just came out." I didn't know what that meant so I searched "Platinum 3-22-2009" on Google. I found out he's talking about a new Pokémon game. FML

I agree, your life sucks 128 486

You deserved it 24 319

14/06/2009 16:34

Today, I got fired from a large oil and energy service company after 5 and 1/2 months. The interview process to land the job took 8 months. My interview process was longer than my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 796

You deserved it 4 260

06/06/2009 16:23

Today, I was babysitting a little boy. I opened up a new bottle of bubbles and it was all goopy and gross so I said "Eww!". The boy then asks, "What's "ew" mean?". I replied with, "Something gross and yucky". Then he pointed at my face and say "Ew! Ew! Ewwww!". FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 428

You deserved it 8 848

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Top comments

Dat_Class_Tho 26

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Monday 5 December 2016 9:22

4am is about the time when your eyelids and other face muscles might twitch from dreaming. Your cat was probably drawn by the movement. Maybe it wanted to check on its favorite human's wellbeing. Or maybe the fur ball was about to viciously attack your twitching nose. With cats, it's a coin toss.

KillerChipmunk 15

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Monday 5 December 2016 9:11

Of course! They gotta make sure you're still alive and so you can feed them in the morning!

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KillerChipmunk 15

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Monday 5 December 2016 9:11

Of course! They gotta make sure you're still alive and so you can feed them in the morning!

Lalala579121 27

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Monday 5 December 2016 9:12

In the morning? 4 am is prime cat eating time. The food tastes better if they woke up their person for it.

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Monday 5 December 2016 17:14

He was checking to see if op was alive, can't say for eating purposes. But my cat would do the same thing only when he felt me breathing he would sit on my face or my other cat start eating my hair. Cats are weird.

Garagedwella 26

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Tuesday 6 December 2016 19:45

Mine just starts my beard for me (apparently my excellent grooming standards aren't high enough for my cat) whenever he decides its breakfast time until I give in and feed him. He will also loudly open and close cupboards, and literally climb my bedroom door if I refuse to move.

Dat_Class_Tho 26

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Monday 5 December 2016 9:22

4am is about the time when your eyelids and other face muscles might twitch from dreaming. Your cat was probably drawn by the movement. Maybe it wanted to check on its favorite human's wellbeing. Or maybe the fur ball was about to viciously attack your twitching nose. With cats, it's a coin toss.

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Monday 5 December 2016 14:08

For my cat it would be the second option.

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Monday 5 December 2016 17:16

He was probably checking to see if op was alive. It was easier for my cats cause I sleep with my mouth open but he was making sure that op had air movement out their nose??

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Monday 5 December 2016 9:26

It's never too late/early to boop you on the nose.

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Monday 5 December 2016 10:17

what a 4am situation

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Monday 5 December 2016 10:22

Awwwwwwwww

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Monday 5 December 2016 12:11

Cats are strange, man. My cat likes to sleep with his nose touching mine

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Tuesday 6 December 2016 4:29

That's actually really cute

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Monday 5 December 2016 16:25

Optimal nose bopping is from 2-5 am. Including but not limited to: Nose to nose Paws to nose/face Tail to face "fuzzy swish swish" General cuddle time Welcome to the cat life and this might just be the first time you woke up. It happens alot

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Tuesday 6 December 2016 0:49

Mine rams his head into me almost every night for attention.

FalloutScrolls 25

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Monday 5 December 2016 16:42

You lost me at "deep sleep." Dafuq is that!?

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Monday 5 December 2016 17:32

REM sleep?

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Monday 5 December 2016 19:04

My cats have been thrown more than once, and have since learned not to touch my face when I'm asleep. Hilariously, the older one has started tapping on my shoulder to wake me up.

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Monday 5 December 2016 20:36

If you react that way maybe owning an animal is not for you.

DanielleinDC 32

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Wednesday 7 December 2016 19:56

Seriously? OP didn't know what she was doing because she was *asleep*. She didn't mean to throw her cat off the bed.