Today, I went to see the cast list for the new musical I'm in.... - FML

By Indoraptor - 14/11/2009 12:59 - United States

Today, I went to see the cast list for the new musical I'm in. I didn't get the part I wanted, and instead I got the part of one of the suitors. Interestingly, they made me the suitor to my ex. And the guy she leaves me for at the end of the musical is the guy she left me for in real life. FML

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Proactive

Dangling modifier

Mr Sensitivity

By MBG - 5/6/2009 07:43 - Australia

Today, I had the closing shift at work in a cafe and there was a man and lady left. I made them coffee and started to close up. When the lady finished her coffee she grabbed my arm and said 'I think that man is masturbating' and leaves in a hurry. I had to wait for him to finish before closing. FML

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By DrunkParents - 31/3/2015 23:32 - United States - Billings

Today, a really drunk couple staggered into the store I work at. One of them yelled at me, "Hey you! Kid! Tell us where the booze is at!" This would have been funny if these people weren't my parents. FML

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By DantesInfernalRage - 12/9/2017 13:00

Today, I had to resign from my job because I tested positive for drugs. I've never taken drugs. FML

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By bb - 3/10/2012 16:19 - United States - Hillsborough

Today, after having tried for months to get a promotion at work, I finally had an interview for a higher position. Everything went great, and I was told I would get a call next week for my second interview. I went back to my desk, only to get an email stating they're canceling the position. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/6/2011 13:37 - Denmark

Today, I was in my family's hotel room taking a dump. The lock to the bathroom was broken so we had made a deal: when the door is closed, someone is using the toilet. The maid didn't know that. She punched me in the face because she claimed I scared her. FML

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By C45 - 25/12/2009 20:27 - Canada

Today, from my girlfriend of five years, I got my clothes back, my engagment ring and a card that says, "Merry Christmas! It's me not you." FML

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2020 17:02 - United States - Carmichael

Smelly Finger Nights

Today, I learned that not only do I have bacterial vaginosis, but I ALSO have gonorrhea from a hookup. The only symptoms I'm having? Anal itching. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2020 14:02

Projection

Today, my boyfriend said angrily that he should never have gotten together with me, that he should have known a woman with divorced parents would have daddy issues, and never be quite right in the head. His own parents are divorced by the way, and his mom is extremely overbearing. FML

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By SisterOfTard - 10/11/2014 16:31 - United States - Florence

Today, my brother offered me $20 to practice his kissing on me for his date later this evening. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/5/2020 14:00

Dumb question

Today, “Who decided that?” was apparently not the correct thing to reply to a cop. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2019 19:00 - Pakistan - Islamabad

Today, going to my psychiatrist's appointment for my PTSD and depression, my mother yelled about how useless I am and how I torture her existence with my "abnormalities." She told the doctor how much I've improved and become such a delight at home for her and our family. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2018 13:30

Today, my AC stopped working. It's currently 3:08AM and I have 2 fans running, a cold washcloth on my neck, and a window open. It's still hot as hell. Thanks, Florida. FML

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By lpspann87 - 24/9/2011 21:34 - United States

Today, like every day, I walked into my office and was greeted by the smell of shit wafting through the air. My lactose intolerant, diabetic coworker won't stop eating Whataburger and milkshakes for breakfast, no matter what his body tells him. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2013 07:17 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I was waiting inside the shelter at the bus stop when a lady came up to me and asked if I would mind if she peed. FML

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By kdubz23 - 17/2/2014 22:41 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, the parent of a student called to ask me about a homework assignment. At the end of the call, she told me that I seem to be losing my "Asian accent" from when she first talked to me in the summer. I was born in the US, grew up in NJ and speak perfect English. FML

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By kthx - 22/10/2009 12:26 - Canada

Today, it was my grandfather's burial. As the family was about to leave, a great aunt came up to my skinny, tall and pretty cousin and told her, "Stay beautiful and kind." Then, she walked to me and said, "And you, Stay kind." FML

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By pinkjade - 25/10/2011 07:17 - Canada

Today, I was napping. I woke up to my pillow making some sounds. Thinking it was my head shifting my pillow, I went back to sleep. Later on I woke up to the sounds again, and a mouse staring at my face. FML

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By noooo!!! - 19/4/2012 18:45 - United States

Today, I made my brother go to the grocery store to get some frozen pizzas. Ten minutes after he left, the power cut out. Still no power. Still hungry. FML

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By thanatophobia - 15/3/2010 00:20 - France

Today, my deranged co-worker sent me a text message containing a picture that she just took of her uncle. It was his funeral. FML

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By Wtf is wrong with her - 30/12/2013 05:20 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had to watch my drunk girlfriend yell at a cat for not having periods. The worst part is that she was at a pet store. The pet store at which I work. FML

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By - 11/3/2019 22:00

Today, I organized a party at my place, invited 20 people, bought snacks and cancelled my workout. Nobody showed up. I ended up eating a whole ciabatta alone. FML

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By skyhawk13 - 30/10/2009 05:11 - United States

Today, at my school's Midnight Madness, I was selected to show my school spirit in a contest. Being drunk, I decided to hump the school mascot in front of 300 people. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2015 21:45 - United States - Freeport

Today, my husband got fired from his job as a maintenance man at our apartment complex for accidentally letting a hooker into someone's house. FML

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By ZeroApostle4Ever - 23/2/2012 08:00 - United States

Today, my dad threw a waffle at my face for his own amusement. FML

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By dearme - 2/6/2009 01:53 - United States

Today, I was at the extremely crowded gym when someone came up behind me and shouted in my ear scaring the living shit out of me. I jump into a karate pose in front of everyone. No one was behind me. It was a new song starting on my headphones. A trainer asked me if I needed an ambulance. FML

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By Average - 13/2/2011 07:16 - United States

Today, I was chosen as King for our winter formal. Even after I won, nobody wanted to dance with me. FML

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By Heartbroken - 20/1/2009 15:16 - Australia

Today, I have to be at work with a smile on my face, whilst sitting next to the asshole that dumped me last week. FML

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By secretpornstar - 13/6/2011 19:23 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out the reason my boyfriend had been encouraging me to send him 'personal' videos was so he could sell them online to porn websites. FML

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By This girl - 19/12/2011 18:01 - United States

Today, I was walking down the street, when I slipped and fell on a patch of ice. It wasn't all that embarrassing, until I walked two more feet and slipped again. The second time, a man pulled over and loudly asked if I was drunk. FML

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By LilaTheGreat - 5/5/2013 23:51 - United States - Boyd

Today, I got into a car crash, in my own garage. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2015 15:26 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I let my 9-year-old daughter use my tablet while I made her dinner. A few minutes later, she let out a blood-curdling scream. Turned out she'd searched for My Little Pony pictures and stumbled upon a drawing of Rainbow Dash giving another pony a blowjob. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/2/2017 22:00 - United States - Newark

Who's a good boy? Not you.

Today, while walking my dog in a cemetery, she stole a stuffed animal off a child's grave and began to play with it. FML

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By Bottom feeder - 8/1/2016 03:41 - Hong Kong - Ngau Tau Kok

Today, my boss dropped a highly important and dense report on my desk that had to be finished by the end of the day. After the initial panic attack and hours of scrupulous work, I finished. She then asked me to pick up the revised copy, where my name was replaced with hers. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/3/2014 16:38 - United States - Beaverton

Today, I had my first job interview after three years of unemployment. I was so happy that I broke down into tears the moment I saw the interviewer. Great first impression. FML

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By CatofSteel - 5/3/2017 22:00

Today, my cat cracked my phone screen by sneezing on it. FML

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By the poor man - 5/9/2015 17:36 - Australia - Perth

Today, at a party that was pretty big, I thought it would be funny to photobomb a photo. In doing so, I slipped over and snapped my arm in. I may now have to get surgery. The good thing is I made a hell of a photobomb. FML

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By bluskyz1979 - 17/5/2016 15:32 - United States - Cypress

Today, my boyfriend and I were on a date and he starts complaining about how his back is hurting him. He complains the whole evening. Fast forward to later that night, we are in bed so I ask him if he was feeling OK. He says, "I guess so. I'm just confused about my feelings for you." FML

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By Hareega - 19/12/2009 07:39 - United States

Today, I took my first day off in 3 weeks just so I can sleep in. The office secretary woke me up at 7.12 am with a page wishing me a nice day off. FML

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By bumpinthenight - 20/4/2020 08:00

Amityville

Today, I was painting my new house when my neighbor introduced himself. Mid-conversation, he said, "The lady who lived here was nice, but just couldn't get over her husband hanging himself in the garage. Or her son shooting himself in the basement." I'll never sleep again. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2011 01:13 - United States

Today, I paid $70 to learn from the vet that my cat doesn't have a UTI, he's just developed a fetish for peeing on plastic bags. FML

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Top comments

By greenltrn2003 | 0

#671293 - Saturday 14 November 2009 16:13

story of your life huh?

By ItsnotfairBW | 0

#671274 - Saturday 14 November 2009 16:05

Awh. thats unlucky.

COMMENTS

By ItsnotfairBW | 0

#671274 - Saturday 14 November 2009 16:05

Awh. thats unlucky.

Reply

fsebastianslife | 0

#944817 - Sunday 14 March 2010 5:19

oh, the irony lol xD

Reply

TheGodDamnJoker | 9

#5230670 - Sunday 9 December 2012 18:02

More like the director's a douche (probably was well aware of the situation)

By realxmuto | 4

#671275 - Saturday 14 November 2009 16:05

that's harsh. maybe you can mix it up in the play and dump her first =P

Reply

WhyAmUHere | 19

#4209650 - Saturday 24 March 2012 18:27

Wouldn't be allowed to if it wasn't a play the director wrote themselves. It would defy copyright laws.

By girlygirl666 | 0

#671278 - Saturday 14 November 2009 16:08

Don't you hate it when art imitates life?

By greenltrn2003 | 0

#671293 - Saturday 14 November 2009 16:13

story of your life huh?

Reply

dudeitsdanny | 9

#671868 - Saturday 14 November 2009 23:52

I think it's the specifics of the part he got that are the FML, not that it wasn't the part he wanted.

By perdix | 29

#671295 - Saturday 14 November 2009 16:14

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

#672185 - Sunday 15 November 2009 3:25

Ooooh how I always enjoy your comments Perdix. Perhaps you are making OP a personal offer to the homosexual lifestyle?

/had to, don't hate.

Reply

perdix | 29

#672806 - Sunday 15 November 2009 15:45

Oh, no. I'm just thinking he might have better luck if he tried playing for the other team.

I'm happy on our team, but thanks for asking.

By Ketsuhime | 0

#671306 - Saturday 14 November 2009 16:19

ironic....

By HahaYDI | 0

#671317 - Saturday 14 November 2009 16:24

That right there, is a sign that no one loves you. Not even fate.

Reply

peroxideprincess | 0

#671340 - Saturday 14 November 2009 16:32

bahahaha! i'm sorry OP but i agree...

By fringle | 0

#671325 - Saturday 14 November 2009 16:26

WOW another fml about a play

By emilyjo10 | 0

#671338 - Saturday 14 November 2009 16:31

Is the play "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers?" That sounds like the plot. And that sucks, dude. I'm sorry. :/

By faxe | 0

#671351 - Saturday 14 November 2009 16:43

someone up there wanted you to see the stupidity of your actions, twice.

either you deserve her or even the good lord is wondering how you hooked up with the **** in the first place.