Intimacy: Today, when my boyfriend and I were getting intimate, I got a... - FML

By anon - 08/12/2012 05:33 - United States

Spicy

Today, when my boyfriend and I were getting intimate, I got a nose bleed. He gave me a shirt to plug it with and kept going. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 337

You deserved it 5 407

Age difference

Serial killer vibes

Tetchy

By asdf - 02/02/2009 18:07 - United States

Today, my mom slept all day. But when she got out of bed for five minutes, she told me I was a worthless piece of shit. Then she went back to bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 224

You deserved it 2 750

By BodyElectric - 26/07/2016 05:06

Today, I was checking my kitten's neutering stitches when he farted so hard that a stray piece of cat shit shot out and hit me in the eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 499

You deserved it 3 653

That's quite a gamble, sir

By Enrique - 29/04/2021 23:01

Today, I called off my engagement because I fell in love with my best friend of 10 years since we recently reconnected. I confessed my feelings to her and asked her out. She rejected me and said she only sees me as a friend. Now I’m completely single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 215

You deserved it 2 546

By iJuli - 08/04/2012 05:17 - United States - Billings

Today, my boyfriend thought it'd be a good idea to break up with me in his car. I had to walk home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 314

You deserved it 2 662

Too passionate for me

By Mutton - 08/03/2021 17:01

Spicy

Today, during one of my wife’s very infrequent amorous moments, she headbutted me and split one of my front teeth in half. I now have two teeth where there used to be one, and I can see the exposed nerve in the crack. Yes, it’s as excruciating as it sounds FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 244

You deserved it 88

By bethany - 03/11/2011 17:36 - Australia

Today, my drunk sister came in my room at 2 in the morning, sat on the side of my bed, fell off, knocked over my glass of water, which ruined my new phone, then got angry at me for getting angry with her. She then slammed my door, which made all the photo frames smash to the ground. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 517

You deserved it 3 555

Sharing is caring

By cpmagnusox - 17/03/2020 08:30

Today, my girlfriend and I are so close that we both describe our poops in detail to each other. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 758

You deserved it 1 179

By nerderer - 05/06/2015 02:17 - United States - Duluth

Today, I walked outside to get the paper, and saw a dying bird I assumed had flown into the window. It was warm so I thought it might still be alive. I wasn't wearing my glasses though, and was trying to nurse a dog turd back to life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 766

You deserved it 11 305

By DemonicDummy - 05/01/2017 05:06

Today, after smoking, I sat down to watch Supernatural with my young cousin. I accidentally let out a burp during a demonic possession scene and, to our surprise, smoke came out of my mouth. Now there's a crying 11-year-old hiding somewhere in the house with salt. Mom will be home in 5 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 602

You deserved it 2 660

By Anonymous - 23/11/2015 05:44 - United States

Today, my one-year-old son threw up on the man sitting next to us on a plane. I felt bad and apologized profusely. When I tried to give him money for dry cleaning, he slapped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 819

You deserved it 3 611

Thief

By Mommabear - 15/06/2018 01:30

Today, I caught my husband's crazy aunt attempting to steal from my daughter's piggy bank. When I confronted her, she tried to defend herself by saying, "She's 2 months-old, she doesn't need the money!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 028

You deserved it 229

Death Grips

By Anonymous - 03/03/2020 20:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I knew my girlfriend's dad owned a security company. What I did not know was that he treats his employees like family, so my girlfriend has about 40 scary uncles who’ve known her since she was a baby, and most of them are ex-military. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 002

You deserved it 354

By ohfantastic - 25/01/2009 02:47 - United States

Today, I was sleeping with my boyfriend and woke up in his arms to hear him say "Mom, Mom." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 613

You deserved it 2 352

By Anonymous - 08/08/2015 22:23 - United States - Gainesville

Today, I had to serve an incredibly rude and irrationally angry customer, but I managed to keep my cool. When he finally went to leave with his purchase, I wished him a good day. He whirled around and yelled "I'll have whatever the fuck kind of day I want, bitch!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 965

You deserved it 2 108

By ChaoticGamer - 23/12/2015 15:15 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up to a horrible smell only to realize that my dog had peed all over my leg cast during the night. I can't get another one because the closest doctors are all on Christmas vacation. Guess this is an early Christmas present from my dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 739

You deserved it 1 882

By Laura - 22/09/2010 00:31 - United States

Today, I saw a small child take a really bad fall off his scooter, so I got rid of my cigarette and ran to help him. I asked him if he was alright, or if I could walk him to his house. He replied "I'm okay, but your dress is on fire." It was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 981

You deserved it 17 398

It's not mine, dumbass

By Anonymous - 19/11/2019 01:00

Today, my girlfriend announced to me that she is pregnant and tried to tell me it was mine. I lost both testicles to an infection as a teenager so, no way it’s mine. Somehow, she never made the mental connection that no balls equals no children and no way to convince me I’m the dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 793

You deserved it 173

By lizzie - 27/07/2011 13:30 - United States

Today, I was going to a talent show. On the way there, my car broke down, I lost my keys and managed to slam my hand in a window. I got there and waited in the theater for an hour before a janitor came by and said, "Show is tomorrow, lady." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 591

You deserved it 9 549

ED much?

By Anonymous - 12/01/2011 01:04 - United States

Today, my step-mom asked if I was having some eating issues. I admitted that maybe I've picked up some bad habits from friends and school. Now she won't stop bombarding me with self-help books and therapy websites. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 632

You deserved it 23 190

By Chumpee - 08/06/2016 17:17 - United States - Akron

Today, after years busting my hump for my father's business with the understanding of one day taking it over, he informed me that my nephew, who has never shown any interest in the company, is being brought in to take it over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 716

You deserved it 931

By Anonymous - 29/05/2009 19:38 - United States

Today, I learned how my cat's flea medicine works. Instead of killing the fleas, it just makes the fleas move off of the animal. The good news is my cat no longer has fleas. The bad news is, the fleas moved into my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 286

You deserved it 4 496

By Lindsey Taul - 22/12/2017 22:00 - United States - Granite City

Today, while driving home from work, I heard a loud crash immediately followed by the sound of wind and shifting glass over my head. My sunroof exploded for no perceptible reason 5 days before Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 153

You deserved it 279

By Anonymous - 13/08/2009 23:29 - Canada

Today, I found out that 15 years ago my father threw out my college acceptance letters so that I could stay home and take over the family's funeral home business. FML

I agree, your life sucks 95 547

You deserved it 3 436

By Anonymous - 10/01/2011 07:09 - United States

Today, trying to be cute, my boyfriend threw a snowball at me. This would have been fine had it not been hard enough to break my glasses. As a college student, I have to choose between eating for the next two weeks or replacing them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 891

You deserved it 2 968

I'm innocent!

By Garrison - 18/12/2017 15:40 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I was arrested for kidnapping a child. MY child. Do you know how hard it is as a white man to convince a police officer that a latino toddler screaming, "Stranger danger!" is yours? FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 550

You deserved it 404

By Anonymous - 22/03/2013 10:49 - United States

Today, my grandmother has been complaining that I spend too much on food, so I started cooking food from scratch. I happily showed her my recipe book and encouraged her to try a few. She then mocked me for wasting time by not buying frozen food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 752

You deserved it 3 472

By Jesus - 27/09/2011 02:03 - Canada

Today, I saw what I thought was a spider. Wanting to kill it as quickly as possible, I smacked my hand against the wall with force. It was a nail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 226

You deserved it 31 898

By Anonymous - 13/05/2015 17:20 - Canada - Qu?bec

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me by taping a breakup note to my doorstep and ding-dong-ditching me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 873

You deserved it 2 759

Right in the pecker

By Anonymous - 28/01/2021 23:01

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend and I got into a nasty fight. After a few hours, she wanted to give me a blowjob, so I thought we weren't mad at each other anymore. Turns out she was still mad because she bit my penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 939

You deserved it 404

By Anonymous - 21/05/2019 20:02

Today, I went to a seminar about non-prejudice and acceptance. I spent the whole time being made fun of because of my pink shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 980

You deserved it 212

By untitledentity - 24/05/2009 16:03 - United States

Today, I decided to use my mentor's advice. I told her I had been having some trouble controlling my anger, she told me to throw rocks at trees. I threw a rock at a tree, very hard. It bounced back hit me above the eye. I'm still pissed as shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 601

You deserved it 19 888

By Anonymous - 15/04/2015 22:52 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, while cleaning my desk I found a stray gumball. I quickly popped it into my mouth only to discover with horror that it was a paintball. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 101

You deserved it 36 324

All I need to do…

By Dreamblocker - 28/06/2021 22:00

Spicy

Today, I was having an intense erotic dream. It was going great until I thought, "I hope this isn't a dream." This caused me to wake up. This isn't the first time I've cockblocked myself in a dream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 945

You deserved it 164

By dadsadipshit - 15/02/2013 23:00 - United States

Today, my dad lost his mind over the meteorite incident in Russia. He's convinced that it's part of some big government conspiracy to cover up a UFO crash-landing, and now he won't stop dismissively calling us "sheep" and telling us "do the research" just because we don't agree with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 320

You deserved it 3 183

Jaws

By Anonymous - 17/05/2020 05:00 - Australia

Today, I was violently sick. There was so much vomit forcing itself out that I dislocated my jaw. I continued throwing up with a dislocated jaw for an hour or so. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 064

You deserved it 128

By Anonymous - 07/05/2013 20:17 - United States - Canton

Today, I turned 35. Because I'm still single, my sister bought me a cat to help start my "inevitable collection." FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 017

You deserved it 6 409

By Anonymous - 01/02/2011 13:43 - United States

Today, I was startled awake at 4am by a loud and awful sound. Completely serious, I asked my fiancé if he had just shit his pants. His response: giggles followed by a softly whispered "maybe". FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 056

You deserved it 5 313

Disappointing

By Muon66 - 11/06/2021 03:59

Today, I showed my 5-year-old son a photo with a ginger cat and her 6 newborn kittens. I forgot to tell my son the cat mom is not the male ginger cat at home, despite them looking exactly same. His excitement became deep sorrow and a tantrum when he figured out that we didn't get half a dozen kittens. FML

I agree, your life sucks 341

You deserved it 503

Bro, do you even lift?

By Anonymous - 30/01/2021 17:01 - United States

Today, I sprained my bicep. The urgent care doctor told me to take it easy on weight lifting. When I told him I hurt myself holding a book, he had to leave the room because he couldn’t stop laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 889

You deserved it 211

By somnolence - 17/09/2016 21:20 - United States - Beaverton

Today, I wanted to take a nap after cleaning my apartment, so I put the trash outside the front door and put a note on the door for my roommate, saying, "Please take the trash out when you leave for work." When I woke up, the note was gone but the trash was still there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 318

You deserved it 1 954

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Saturday 8 December 2012 12:20

That's bloody awful

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Saturday 8 December 2012 12:19

Hero!

Comments

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Saturday 8 December 2012 12:19

Hero!

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Saturday 8 December 2012 14:29

Are there other anime geeks on here? They'll find this funny. Lol

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Saturday 8 December 2012 16:59

Jr was plugging one hole and it started to come out of the other side :p he did the best he could.... you could have bled out OP

tjv3 10

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Sunday 9 December 2012 0:51

Wow talk about caring right there. What a douche

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Saturday 8 December 2012 12:20

That's bloody awful

KaeporaGaebora 4

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Saturday 8 December 2012 14:08

Ain't nobody got time for dat.

dinorider_fml 4

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Saturday 8 December 2012 16:21

2- everyone nose that it snot that bad

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Saturday 8 December 2012 16:53

Please dont try to make puns 33 you're absolutely terrible at it

dinorider_fml 4

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Saturday 8 December 2012 17:47

36- isn't that the point of puns?

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Saturday 8 December 2012 17:51

36- obviously he's not terrible at it. His "terrible pun" has more likes than your comment...

ThePK 5

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Saturday 8 December 2012 18:39

Obviously he was just trying to make her blood rush somewhere else other than her nose. It's common knowledge, first grade stuff like Wumbo.

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Saturday 8 December 2012 23:08

36- 33 made some pretty good puns, relative to others I've seen. Don't be an asshat.

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Saturday 8 December 2012 12:21

That's when you grab his nicest shirt and use it as a bloody nose rag!

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Saturday 8 December 2012 12:26

Like a boss.

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Saturday 8 December 2012 14:56

No, that's weird af.

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Saturday 8 December 2012 17:15

Indeed, he literally fucked her till her nose bled and carried on.

HortonThelephant 15

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Saturday 8 December 2012 12:26

Who nose why OP's boyfriend is such a tool? Anyone?

TourettesGuyFTW 25

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Saturday 8 December 2012 14:16

Your desperation has ruined your pun.

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Saturday 8 December 2012 14:27

I thought it was funny...

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Saturday 8 December 2012 17:03

5- FAIL! Since you're a Dr Seuss character, you must now comment in a Seuss-esque fashion.

sniken 14

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Saturday 8 December 2012 12:29

That is bloody awful. But it gives a new perspective to "firetruck".

wellfuuucckme 7

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Saturday 8 December 2012 13:00

That hasn't been used already ..

ALlamaOnFire 20

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Saturday 8 December 2012 17:35

Firetruck? Am I being dim or does this make no sense?:')

mcBe 6

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Saturday 8 December 2012 20:17

No get it cause blood is red and fire trucks are too and so is fire and apples, apparently they are all related now

wickedninja918 1

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Saturday 8 December 2012 22:55

The thumbs down button is red too, I guess thats why he got thumbs downed so much (well that and the fact that what he said was already said)

sniken 14

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Sunday 9 December 2012 4:32

Yup, left the phone idle before I wrote it, so I didn't see the post above beforehand. So, apologies for double post.

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Monday 10 December 2012 19:31

Fire truck is a game, it's when you put your hand on someone's leg and tell them to say 'red light' when they get uncomfortable. You trail your hand up and when they say 'red light' you say 'fire trucks don't stop for anything'. We used to play it at school.

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Saturday 8 December 2012 12:30

Woooow such a tool!

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Saturday 8 December 2012 16:13

Woooow such a comment!

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Saturday 8 December 2012 13:01

And they said chivalry is dead, now that's a real gentlemen!

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Saturday 8 December 2012 13:07

Your boyfriend must have been very horny not to stop or your are extremely hot!

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Saturday 8 December 2012 13:18

Or he's just a selfish jackass.

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Sunday 9 December 2012 0:15

"your are"? Seriously?

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Saturday 8 December 2012 13:29

What a trooper you are to keep going.

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15

You deserved it 5

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my daughter finally learned that you can’t sleep your way to success, after she tried and failed to seduce her married boss, was sacked, and blacklisted as a potential lawsuit throughout every company specialising in her chosen career field. FML

I agree, your life sucks 447

You deserved it 129

Today, I was diagnosed with a meat allergy. You can imagine the jokes my boyfriend has been thinking up since we found out I can’t "handle his meat" in my mouth anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 760

You deserved it 110