Animals: Today, my dog decided to poop while inside a revolving door....

By PerfectTiming - Netherlands - Eindhoven

Today, my dog decided to poop while inside a revolving door. Before I could do anything, the door swung around and smeared it everywhere. My dog excels at timing. FML

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Animals

Commando

Coherence dude, do you have it?

The smell detective is on the case

By Nic - United States

Today, I put on some skimpy shorts and bent down to get something on the bottom shelf of the fridge to get my boyfriend's attention. On my way up, I slammed my head on the edge of the fridge. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Coplay

Today, my school brought in therapy dogs to help with stress. I was attacked by one of them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me it wasn't working out and he was breaking up with me. The reason? I have the same first and last name as a very unpopular girl, and he gets embarrassed when people mistakenly assume he's going out with her. FML

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By Asdf649 - Canada - Burlington

Today, at my wedding, my husband's drunk friend admitted that the only reason my husband and I started dating was because he was dared. FML

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By NathanPlays - United States

Today, a very attractive girl moved in across the road from me. As I was leaving, I noticed she was looking out her window at me. I tried playing it cool, only to end up tripping over my own feet, hands in pocket, and faceplanting the hood of my dad's car. FML

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By shilpajayseanfan - Canada

Today, I drove into my school. Literally drove into my school. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on a train when we hit and killed a person. We were stalled for 4 hours. The guy sitting next to me asked what I did for a living, so I told him that I'm a vet tech. Then he showed me his infected elbow. FML

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By TheStudentNurse

Today, I got bitten at work. Not by a patient's mouth, but by the false teeth they were holding in their hand as they clamped down on my arm. FML

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By nonfreehugs - United States - Seattle

Today, a classmate came up to me, quickly shoved a dollar bill down my shirt, threw her arms around me and told me to pretend I was her boyfriend to avoid some other guy. Sad thing is, this is the first girl I've hugged in ages. FML

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By hipster glasses - United States

Today, I was verbally abused by a customer at my job. Apparently, wearing "ugly, thick-framed hipster glasses as a fashion statement is a HUGE faux pas." These are my actual prescription glasses, and "faux pas" is not pronounced "fox paws". FML

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By wobbles - United States

Today, I spent 30 minutes trying to find my glasses. I don't know whats worse, the fact that I was wearing them the whole time, or that my girlfriend played along and helped me look for them. FML

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By wtf is wrong with my country - United States

Today, I was shopping at Walmart, when I saw a really good deal on some bacon. Before I could take any, a huge-ass woman stormed over, kicked my cart down the aisle, and snatched every single packet for herself. And I actually got upset over this. FML

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By Anonymous - Brazil

Today, I had a going-away party because I am leaving the country forever. Out of the 130 people invited, 60 were a resounding "Yes! of course I will go!". After paying $300 for everything needed at the party, 2 ended up coming. And left because nobody else was there. FML

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By I'm a pussy, yeah yeah - United States - Lake Elsinore

Today, my psycho cat stood on my toilet seat and challenged me to a stand-off. After 10 minutes, I couldn't hold it in any more and asked to use my neighbor's bathroom instead. I told him my toilet was broken. FML

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By Jerrrr - United States

Today, I wanted revenge on the rabbit who ate my garden's plants. When he returned, he was standing next to my brand new above-ground swimming pool. I pull out my 22. rifle and shot at it, but the bullet missed and popped a hole in my pool. 15,000 gallons of water flooded my basement. FML

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By blah - 2/6/2020 23:00

Exercise One

Today, while cuddling with my boyfriend, he started humping my leg and said, "I'm gonna hump the fatness out of you and make you beautiful." FML

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By jordansquared

Today, I received a Christmas card from my husband’s parents and found for the 7th straight year I wasn’t included on the card. Instead they included a picture of my husband’s ex-girlfriend holding my baby. I’ve already received messages asking if he’s back together with her. No. No he’s not. FML

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By Mr. FootInMouth - 23/11/2020 07:56

Bigmouth Strikes Again

Today, I learned that my brother has been secretly married to his girlfriend for over a year. That means that during Christmas break, when I told him that she was a "toxic bitch" and that he should leave her before she drags him down with her, they had already been married for 6 months. FML

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By NotSoClean - United States

Today, I noticed that my very expensive facial cleanser was almost out. I had moved in with my boyfriend recently, and questioned him, telling him "You don't have to use so much to wash your face. That's a $70 bottle." To which he responded, "Oh, that nice-smelling stuff? Yeah, I use that on my junk." FML

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By Originality18 - United States

Today, I called the florist and ordered a flower arrangement for my grandma, who I was told was sick. I said I didn't know what to get her, so just to send her something nice. I got a call from my mom calling me an inconsiderate bastard. They sent my grandma forget-me-nots. She has Alzheimers. FML

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By bluedevil26 - United States

Today, I got my eyebrows waxed for the first time in a few months. Once she finished, she handed me the mirror and asked, "How does it feel to look human again?" FML

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By Jeff G. - United States

Today, I had to send a picture of my Grandma at her funeral to my girlfriend, because she thought I was out cheating on her. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Parenting fail

Today, I left the living room for 3 minutes to make a coffee. When I went back, my 4-year old had found a permanent marker, God knows where, since I don't own a permanent marker. She'd then drawn on her face, the carpet, wall, sofa, both dogs and as an added bonus the TV screen. FML

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After vacation

Today, I got back from vacation and walked in on my boyfriend and my brother in my bed. FML

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By TSampson - United States

Today, my mom's will was read to the rest of the family. I helped my mom write it a couple years ago, and I was to get funds to pay off school loans. She revised it and put in a note saying I was to get nothing because I was "lazy." The executor read it out loud. FML

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By Plasticface - United States

Today, I found there was a 4 year old boy behind me on my flight. When I looked at him, he screamed playfully and hid. I decided to play tiger with him. While I was grinning like a tiger and trying to scratch him, he smashed a water bottle across my face. I now have a black eye. FML

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By RyanM - France

Today, I found out what people really think about the beard I've been proudly growing for over a month. It appears that my face now looks like an unshaven ballsack. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I am taking a 16 hour flight. Five minutes in, the lady on one side has clipped her toenails onto me and the guy on the other side has the most horrific gas I have ever smelled. To help this problem he bought a cheese plate from the stewardess. 15 hours and 55 minutes to go. FML

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By itsplashedeverywhere - United States - Boulder

Today, I was unfortunate enough to discover what happens when you vomit mid-drink at a water fountain. FML

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By chipmunk - United States

Today, my boyfriend of seven years dumped me because he said my cheeks getting way too fat for his taste and he didn't want to be with a chipmunk. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lake Worth

Today, I found out that my mom has been deliberately forgetting to help me practice my driving. It's not because the insurance will go up once I pass the test, she doesn't want my 14 year-old sister to feel left behind. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Levelland

Today, after I gave birth to our first child, my husband looked at the doctor and seriously asked, "When do you circumcise the baby?" We had a baby girl. FML

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By ladylol - United Kingdom - Towcester

Today, I asked my boyfriend if he'd rather play the new Assassin's Creed game or have a night of sex with me. He started crying from indecision. FML

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By Joey Soprano - 18/8/2020 02:06

Bad boys, bad boys…

Today, I went to the DMV today and sat in line for over 6 hours to renew my driver's license. Even though with the pandemic, it's been extended to New Year's Eve but I decided to get it done and over with. I get called up to finish everything, only to find out my license is suspended. FML

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By snow

Today, I woke up with a massive hangover after passing out at a wild party the night before. Apparently my friends couldn't find a marker, because I woke up with dozens of dicks drawn on my body and face in henna. I have a job interview today. FML

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By Alex - United States

Today, I decided to ride my bike to the bus stop to go to school. I wasn't even half way and the last bus had already left. I figured I would loop around instead of going back the way I came and ended up riding 16 miles before I got home. FML

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By hobbit - United States - Winthrop

Today, I decided to treat myself to a pedicure ahead of my cousin's wedding. The woman doing my nails asked if I wanted my toe hairs trimmed. I was so taken aback and embarrassed that I said yes. They charged me extra. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Indianapolis

Today, after extensive tests due to pregnancy-related issues, I've been told my diet must change. I can no longer eat salt, sugar, gluten, or meat, and lactose is questionable. The doctor hopes it will end after the birth. Seven months to go. FML

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By sadface - Canada

Today, I finally got over the knee injury that has been holding back my military application for 6 months. They sent me to the optometrist, who said my eyes were too bad for service. FML

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By Dexter_39476 - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, I found out my family refers to my room as "the virgin cave". FML

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Top comments

By Pwn17 | 25

#5570843 - Monday 8 July 2013 16:26

Your dog really knows how to stir shit up.

By FALLENSEBZERO | 16

#5570842 - Monday 8 July 2013 16:25

"Just smile and wag my tail"

COMMENTS

By FALLENSEBZERO | 16

#5570842 - Monday 8 July 2013 16:25

"Just smile and wag my tail"

By Pwn17 | 25

#5570843 - Monday 8 July 2013 16:26

Your dog really knows how to stir shit up.

vehementbitch | 4

#5570855 - Monday 8 July 2013 16:35

I like that in you.

BntyHntrSeattle | 30

#5570951 - Monday 8 July 2013 18:21

Pull his tail three times and I bet he'll turn into the devil.

thatkidhesh | 11

#5570974 - Monday 8 July 2013 18:47

your dog should visit the banks that allowed people such crazy loans that ruined this country.

applebramble | 22

#5574159 - Wednesday 10 July 2013 20:09

Aww you poor soul! You gotta clean that shit up too!

By AmyPond17 | 33

#5570844 - Monday 8 July 2013 16:27

To clean up dog shit in a revolving door?

By mario2012 | 18

#5570845 - Monday 8 July 2013 16:28

Trolling dog.

By jessBeAqueen | 13

#5570846 - Monday 8 July 2013 16:28

its like a giant kitchen aid stirring up chocolate batter....mmmmmm

s13495 | 19

#5570866 - Monday 8 July 2013 16:48

oh that was too much haha!!

False_Stupidity | 41

#5570891 - Monday 8 July 2013 16:58

This comment was pure distilled awesome, I couldn't stop laughing for at least 3 minutes.

FALLENSEBZERO | 16

#5570909 - Monday 8 July 2013 17:13

#6: Please seek help.

jessBeAqueen | 13

#5570950 - Monday 8 July 2013 18:21

#29 please seek a sense of humor....preferably a twisted one.

By challan | 19

#5570847 - Monday 8 July 2013 16:28

Then he'll get dizzy and puke... The clean up never ends in this scenario!

By adameeo | 21

#5570848 - Monday 8 July 2013 16:29

Comic timing. Something dogs excel at :)

By mario2012 | 18

#5570849 - Monday 8 July 2013 16:29

That's quite the disturbing dream.

By tegraturbo2000 | 15

#5570850 - Monday 8 July 2013 16:29

can your day get any "shitier"

False_Stupidity | 41

#5570894 - Monday 8 July 2013 16:59

Nope and neither can that comment.

assassinbanana0 | 20

#5571068 - Monday 8 July 2013 19:39

Next time you should come up with a comical and original pun. This one was just bad

tegraturbo2000 | 15

#5571328 - Tuesday 9 July 2013 0:02

yea i can see your a comical genious

By challan | 19

#5570851 - Monday 8 July 2013 16:30

I believe your dog is a evil mastermind. I can hear his chuckle from here. He may be half cat...

TheDrifter | 23

#5571008 - Monday 8 July 2013 19:01

If he was all cat and dog sized he would have rushed the door and smeared at a full run.

olpally | 32

#5571099 - Monday 8 July 2013 20:09

Of course, the drifter would know^^*looks at evil cat in profile pic* *runs like hell*