Animals: Today, my dog decided to poop while inside a revolving door....

By PerfectTiming - Netherlands - Eindhoven

Today, my dog decided to poop while inside a revolving door. Before I could do anything, the door swung around and smeared it everywhere. My dog excels at timing. FML

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Animals

Send virtual hugs

Nice guy DESTROYED by FACTS and LOGIC

Inspirational tale

By hudd357mag - United States

Today, the girl I have a crush on texted me to go out tonight. When I got to her house, she peered at me quizzically and asked, "What do you want? Did I text you?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hills

Today, I went downstairs completely naked to get water, completely forgetting that my daughter had a sleepover and they were in the living room. The ice dispenser woke some of them up, including my daughter. FML

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By scarred for life - United States - Carmel

Today, I realized my recent weight loss probably wasn't caused by working out and eating more healthily. It was from the tapeworm I discovered hanging out my ass after I took a crap. I had to pull it out with my bare hands. FML

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By ohcrap - United States

Today, I was shopping for clothes. I thought this guy was a mannequin because he was standing perfectly still. I poked him and he screamed like a girl. FML

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By - France

Today, I can hear my parents having sex in the next room. FML

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By Embarassed - United Kingdom

Today, at a party I bumped into a friend of my ex. We caught the same bus home. He started telling me about my ex's "totally insane" ex-girlfriend. He refused to believe me when I told him he was talking about me. I had to sit there for half an hour as my personality was ripped to shreds. FML

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By StarWarsGeek - United States

Today, I met a fellow Star Wars fan. We began enthusiastically talking about how almost no one our age knows the good old classics anymore. I was referring to the original trilogy; she was talking about the ones with Jar Jar Binks. FML

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By smellybelly - United States

Today, my boyfriend of two years kept digging around in his belly button and smelling his fingers. At one point he shoved his fingers in my face and told me to smell his belly button. He's 27 years old. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a guy at work was ranking the girls we work with in the order he'd want to date them. He told me I was 6th "because personality is important, too." FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2021 05:01

Insurance is a scam

Today, you’re required to have health insurance in my country. I have no income, I spend more on insurance than on food, yet most of the treatments that actually help me are not covered by the insurance. FML

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By ari

Today, while on a road trip, I went to the bathroom at a gas station and locked the door. Turns out the lock was automatic and I'd actually unlocked it. My mom walked in on me, but instead of apologizing and leaving, she yelled at me in the middle of the gas station. FML

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By feelinblue - Australia

Today, I ran into an old student of mine at the grocery store. She didn't recognize me at first so I introduced myself as her old teacher. She looked taken aback for a moment, and then said, "Oh my God... you're still alive?" FML

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By Guitar-ZERO - United States

Today, my band had a show. We played a love song, and during the bridge, I ask out a friend of mine who was in the crowd, over the mic, in front of at least 200 people. She said no. FML

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By didi - France

Today, at the supermarket everybody was staring at me. After ten minutes, I realized that my umbrella was still open. FML

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By parched - United States

Today, the city shut off the water at my house because my roommate thought that the water bills he had been hoarding were "suggestions." FML

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By tannerrosetx_1 - United States - Irving

Today, I was pickpocketed. I didn't realize until I stopped to get breakfast. I went back home to see that my dog had taken my wallet and had ripped and torn it up. I was pickpocketed by my own dog. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while bringing my baby an early-morning bottle, I tripped over a ball and fell into the glass coffee table, smashing it and cutting myself pretty badly. My husband slept through the whole thing, but the neighbors came by to tell me to keep it down. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Toms River

Today, I was at a coffee shop, when a middle-aged guy called me a "two-timing whore", dumped his coffee on me and walked out in tears. I'm 14 and I have no idea who he was. FML

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By RIPcareer - United States - Ellicott City

Today, after submitting my college application, I noticed that I mistyped "math enthusiast" as "meth enthusiast". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Costa Mesa

Today, while my mother was driving me to school, her coffee started to spill. So like a normal parent, she held it over my lap. FML

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By Crypticbeerbelly

Today, I was reading a recipe list on my tablet. I moved a little, and one of my fat rolls came into contact with a button which closed the tab. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Inez

Congratu…

Today, my husband and I broke the news to my 10-year-old son that in about 8 months, he'll have a baby brother or sister. I knew he never wanted a sibling, but I didn't expect him to throw a tantrum, then look at me through teary eyes and scream, "Why can't you keep your fucking legs closed?" FML

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By Anonymous - France - Bourges

Today, my boyfriend still won't talk to me, after I caused him the "worst embarrassment" of his life in front of his friends. What did I do wrong? I joined their conversation and ended up confusing the fictional characters of Gollum and Yoda with one another. FML

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By embarrassed - United States - Great Neck

Today, I went to a baseball game with my girlfriend's dad. I got a boner when they sang the anthem, because that's what I sing in my head when having sex with his daughter so I last longer. FML

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By Grant Williams - 13/6/2021 01:01 - United States - Frisco

Unloveable

Today, I had a conversation with a girl on Tinder, for the third time this month. Just like the other two girls, she turned out to be a prostitute. Only prostitutes will give me the time of day. FML

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By TheodoreFinches - United Kingdom

Today, on the bus ride home from work, two women behind me kept pulling my hair. I turned around and told them to, "cut it out." When I got home, I realized they'd took it literally. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Santa Rosa Beach

Today, my hamster had babies. I came home just in time to witness her kick the mutilated bodies of her two babies out of her house, then crawl back in and go to sleep. Now my sister refuses to touch her and calls her a "baby-eating demon." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I bought my niece a plush My Little Pony figure for her birthday. Only after she unwrapped it did I realize that it was meant to be a sex toy for grown men. FML

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By gimpy - United States - Panama City

Today, I was carrying my coffee from the kitchen to the coffee table and couch. Last week I had ACL surgery, so I'm on crutches. Unfortunately, I got the urge to sneeze on my walk to the couch. I didn't make it to the couch before I sneezed and spilled coffee everywhere. FML

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By Anonymous - Japan - Ageo

Today, I was getting intimate with my husband, and I tried to do a swift position-change like they do in the movies. I wound up flipping off the bed and busting my nose open on the floor. FML

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By leahkasscar

Today, I'm stuck in a car with my sister, who is currently having a screaming match with her boyfriend. FML

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By Links - United States

Today, a McDonald's employee had to correct my math after counting out $2.37 in change. I'm in AP Calculus and am currently learning how to find the derivative of an inverse of a logarithm. FML

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By tooflufoschool - United States

Today, I was in bed sick from pneumonia. I asked my boyfriend to nuke a can of soup for me. He said "in a sec, let me finish this game" and continued to play on his Xbox for an hour. Starving, I crawled out to make soup. When I sat down to eat, he paused the game and asked "you didn't make me any?" FML

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By mallyboo - Canada - Richmond Hill

Today, I discovered that you should always check the litter box before vacuuming stray litter outside of it after my cat burst out from the box mid-piss and skittered around the house still pissing after I put the vacuum hose behind the box. FML

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By thathottchickk - United States

Today, I volunteered to cater an event at school. A little girl asked for a big slice of cake so I gave it to her. She then puked everywhere and her parents blamed me and made me clean it up. The little girl sat there smiling at me while I cleaned. FML

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By superjesse006 - United States

Today, I was fired from a job I didn't have. The manager in charge of calling me to tell me if I got the job never called, and never called me back when I left messages. The only time he called me was to fire me for not coming to orientation, which, by the way, he never called to tell me about. FML

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By badizzle

Helmut Newton strikes back

Today, my art teacher fawned over my friend's photographs of random children and people making out, while she called my picture of an old man looking thoughtful on a pier "creepy" and "voyeuristic." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Edmonton

Today, it's my birthday. I worked late, so I was looking forward to spending a quiet evening with my husband. When he suggested we go grocery shopping, I got excited thinking he had organized a surprise party or something. He actually just took me grocery shopping. FML

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By notapervert - United States - Santa Rosa

Small talk fail

Today, I managed to score a date for the first time in over a year, and was very nervous. When I was asked what I do for a living, I laughed nervously, and then blurted out, "Finger women." What I was trying to jokingly say was that I'm a gynecologist. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my parents found several drawings of a dinosaur girl in various bondage equipment posing seductively in my purse. The drawings weren't mine, nor do I have any idea where they came from, but my parents now think I'm a freak. FML

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Top comments

By Pwn17 | 25

#5570843 - Monday 8 July 2013 16:26

Your dog really knows how to stir shit up.

By FALLENSEBZERO | 16

#5570842 - Monday 8 July 2013 16:25

"Just smile and wag my tail"

COMMENTS

By FALLENSEBZERO | 16

#5570842 - Monday 8 July 2013 16:25

"Just smile and wag my tail"

By Pwn17 | 25

#5570843 - Monday 8 July 2013 16:26

Your dog really knows how to stir shit up.

vehementbitch | 4

#5570855 - Monday 8 July 2013 16:35

I like that in you.

BntyHntrSeattle | 30

#5570951 - Monday 8 July 2013 18:21

Pull his tail three times and I bet he'll turn into the devil.

thatkidhesh | 11

#5570974 - Monday 8 July 2013 18:47

your dog should visit the banks that allowed people such crazy loans that ruined this country.

applebramble | 22

#5574159 - Wednesday 10 July 2013 20:09

Aww you poor soul! You gotta clean that shit up too!

By AmyPond17 | 33

#5570844 - Monday 8 July 2013 16:27

To clean up dog shit in a revolving door?

By mario2012 | 18

#5570845 - Monday 8 July 2013 16:28

Trolling dog.

By jessBeAqueen | 13

#5570846 - Monday 8 July 2013 16:28

its like a giant kitchen aid stirring up chocolate batter....mmmmmm

s13495 | 19

#5570866 - Monday 8 July 2013 16:48

oh that was too much haha!!

False_Stupidity | 41

#5570891 - Monday 8 July 2013 16:58

This comment was pure distilled awesome, I couldn't stop laughing for at least 3 minutes.

FALLENSEBZERO | 16

#5570909 - Monday 8 July 2013 17:13

#6: Please seek help.

jessBeAqueen | 13

#5570950 - Monday 8 July 2013 18:21

#29 please seek a sense of humor....preferably a twisted one.

By challan | 19

#5570847 - Monday 8 July 2013 16:28

Then he'll get dizzy and puke... The clean up never ends in this scenario!

By adameeo | 21

#5570848 - Monday 8 July 2013 16:29

Comic timing. Something dogs excel at :)

By mario2012 | 18

#5570849 - Monday 8 July 2013 16:29

That's quite the disturbing dream.

By tegraturbo2000 | 15

#5570850 - Monday 8 July 2013 16:29

can your day get any "shitier"

False_Stupidity | 41

#5570894 - Monday 8 July 2013 16:59

Nope and neither can that comment.

assassinbanana0 | 20

#5571068 - Monday 8 July 2013 19:39

Next time you should come up with a comical and original pun. This one was just bad

tegraturbo2000 | 15

#5571328 - Tuesday 9 July 2013 0:02

yea i can see your a comical genious

By challan | 19

#5570851 - Monday 8 July 2013 16:30

I believe your dog is a evil mastermind. I can hear his chuckle from here. He may be half cat...

TheDrifter | 23

#5571008 - Monday 8 July 2013 19:01

If he was all cat and dog sized he would have rushed the door and smeared at a full run.

olpally | 32

#5571099 - Monday 8 July 2013 20:09

Of course, the drifter would know^^*looks at evil cat in profile pic* *runs like hell*