Animals: Today, my dog decided to poop while inside a revolving door....

By PerfectTiming - 08/07/2013 11:19 - Netherlands - Eindhoven

Today, my dog decided to poop while inside a revolving door. Before I could do anything, the door swung around and smeared it everywhere. My dog excels at timing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 827

You deserved it 4 671

Animals

Mama's boy

Batman

Great start to the day

By Anonymous - 08/11/2011 04:41 - United States

Today, I had botox injections to stop my face sweating so much. Now the sweat is almost gone, but my facial expression seems to be stuck on "baffled." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 401

You deserved it 36 805

By no spare - 19/12/2016 19:22 - United States - Marquette

Today, I woke up to find out that the two front tires on our van were flat. Now we won't have a vehicle all week since the tire shop is booked solid. We just went through this with the rear tires two weeks ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 082

You deserved it 728

By datingablonde - 11/01/2013 05:20 - Australia - Attadale

Today, I told my girlfriend that my identical twin and I are not in fact related, that he's adopted, and that the only reason we look exactly the same is because we eat and drink the same things. She actually believed it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 201

You deserved it 9 581

By elevenharries - 03/06/2010 08:54 - United Kingdom

Today, after staying at my boyfriend's house for the first time, I got in the shower. His bathroom door doesn't lock, so half way through my shower he walked in. Trying to be sexy, I pressed myself up against the glass, which turned out the be a door that opens outwards. I fell on the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 975

You deserved it 42 099

By CantWin - 07/06/2016 22:38 - United States - Provo

Today, after finally applying myself and busting my butt all semester, I found out the school is accusing me of cheating because they couldn't believe I could have gotten near-perfect grades considering my grade history. If this is how society rewards academic turnarounds, why do I even bother? FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 893

You deserved it 1 176

By OmniVore - 25/02/2010 09:42 - United Kingdom

Today, I went on a date with a great vegan guy in my class. We went to a vegi-restaurant, I dutifully ate all the meatless dishes, but he seemed pissed about something, and other diners kept giving me angry looks. After we left, I realised I'd worn my leather jacket to the date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 300

You deserved it 42 683

By Binks - 23/11/2018 09:30 - United States - Bonneau

Today, my dad took away my Xbox because "You never do anything active." I had just run a 5K. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 872

You deserved it 231

By Username - 11/07/2011 17:42 - United States

Today, I had diarrhea at work. While trying to be subtle about the noises, the woman in the stall next to me called me by name and asked if I was having trouble. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 352

You deserved it 3 091

By sad face - 24/11/2012 11:54 - Australia - Chatswood

Today, I told my boss that I quit, and handed in my two week's notice. A couple of hours later, I found my letter of resignation had been photocopied and copies hung all around the office with "Best day ever" written on the bottom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 952

You deserved it 5 279

By Lesbian - 04/08/2017 13:00

Today I took my girlfriend to the cafe where we had our first date, with the intention of proposing. Moments before I took the ring out, some sleazy old guy said "how are you two fine babes single on a Saturday?" He refused to leave us alone even when we said we were on a date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 910

You deserved it 505

By definitelynotugly - 02/12/2018 12:00

Today, I had a morning shift at the restaurant and didn't feel like wearing makeup. I was energetic and greeted everyone happily, but my manager told me I looked tired. I said, "Oh no I'm just not wearing makeup!" He said, "Well, you might need it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 757

You deserved it 325

Blackout drunk

By MagnusDeus - 07/06/2015 15:46 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I left a concert with my drunk mother who had spilled beer all over my shirt. I drove her home and she slept it off. Later, my mom "found" my shirt in the laundry and grounded me for drinking behind her back. She won't believe me that it was her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 766

You deserved it 1 746

By Iwtumn - 17/03/2015 16:52 - Austria

Today, I came home from a crazy costume party and took a hot shower. When I opened my eyes and saw the water running from my head was bloody, I freaked out and called my friend for help. She had to remind me that for the party, I'd coloured my hair red with washable hair dye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 626

You deserved it 17 220

By Anonymous - 09/02/2010 02:17 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of six months dumped me for his girlfriend on Grand Theft Auto because he was "tired of having to please two women at once." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 512

You deserved it 4 050

By Tim - 09/04/2009 21:44 - United States

Today, my mom had a baby shower. When it was over I walked around cleaning up the trash, when I saw a card sitting on the table with a note to my mom saying "better luck with this one." At the moment I am an only child, and the card was signed from my grandmother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 75 564

You deserved it 4 222

By gerligrl97 - 12/06/2011 18:50 - United States

Today, along with my virginity, my boyfriend took my laptop, iPhone, TV, and most of the food in my fridge. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 967

You deserved it 12 670

By jealouspussy - 20/02/2013 06:55 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was giving my guy a blowjob. When he blurted out, "Oh Jesus" I assumed I was doing a good job. I looked up to see the expression on his face and noticed a look of terror. He was staring at my growling cat, two seconds away from clawing his face off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 374

You deserved it 5 954

By Rabite - 15/09/2016 14:48 - Germany - Bonn

Today, I called a cab to get me and my cat home from the vet. After a 40 minute wait and three calls to the taxi company, the operator told me that the driver she sent to my location just confirmed that he already has a woman with my name and a cat in his car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 975

You deserved it 755

By Anonymous - 15/01/2012 09:44 - United States

Today, I took my car to a drive-through car wash. It wasn't until after my back seat was filled with foam and I had been squirted in the face that I realized my back seat window was rolled down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 947

You deserved it 36 428

By Anonymous - 05/07/2016 16:19 - United States - South Sioux City

Today, my teacher marked a test question wrong, even though I was sure I got it right, so I went online to check. I found a government-approved website showing proof that my answer was correct. My teacher still counted it wrong, because, "we follow the book". That book's older than I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 666

You deserved it 867

By Anonymous - 14/01/2015 13:58 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I was trying on a shirt and asked my boyfriend if he liked it. He replied, "If I say no, can we still have sex tonight?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 242

You deserved it 6 632

By Anonymous - 17/02/2010 20:44 - United States

Today, I was in school and spotted my girlfriend in the hallway. I wanted to be all romantic and grab her like guys do in movies. I grabbed her wrist forcefully and pulled her out of the crowd. As I quickly leaned in to kiss her I broke her nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 359

You deserved it 37 768

By anon - 21/06/2011 11:52 - United States

Today, I finally went on a date with my crush. When he kissed me goodnight, it made me think of a dying slug. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 777

You deserved it 7 251

By Anonymous - 14/04/2017 00:00

Today, working midnight at a coffee shop, I had a customer set down his phone on the counter to pay. Screen up. Still playing his, "Ebony Rimjob" porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 260

You deserved it 381

By Steve - 16/12/2012 06:25 - United States - Oshkosh

Today, my girlfriend and I were in the mood for something different. So we decided to have sex in the shower. When we were finished I heard a voice outside the door asking if we needed a towel. It was my mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 674

You deserved it 18 278

By minikat - 02/06/2018 15:00

Today, my parents woke me up and grounded me for the "disrespectful" things I said to them in my sleep. Apparently I say these things every night, and each time I do they extend the grounding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 016

You deserved it 244

By HT BaaFly - 07/09/2011 15:08 - United Kingdom

Today, after months of unemployment, my only social interaction was with my postman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 188

You deserved it 5 397

By Thepunchline - 11/08/2010 09:19 - United Kingdom

Today, it's the third day since my mum quit smoking, and I realised that her health-drive is having a negative effect on my own health when she bitch slapped me down the stairs because she didn't get a joke I told her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 149

You deserved it 4 203

Confess!

By hitandrun - 10/08/2009 18:28 - United States

Today, I hit a parked car and fled because I was so scared. Four hours later, the cops showed up at my house so I broke down crying confessing everything. Turns out, they weren't there about the car I hit. They were alerting me about the string of burglaries in my neighborhood recently. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 171

You deserved it 75 708

By thecatlady - 27/02/2013 07:12 - Australia - Kambalda

Today, I realised the extent of my wife's cat obsession when I received an $850 bill for the air conditioner she leaves on for our 5 cats while we are at work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 719

You deserved it 4 285

By soccerbooty - 07/06/2010 06:43 - United States

Today, my boyfriend started to plan our wedding. He included a clown. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 809

You deserved it 8 116

By RayneSong - 20/11/2012 23:25 - United States - Lansing

Today, I'm in the hospital and it's been 44 hours since I've eaten anything. My doctors won't let me eat and my parents are sitting across the room, eating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 996

You deserved it 1 811

By bilol - 27/02/2009 01:42 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend that I'd be going on a trip to Europe. I assured him that I would never cheat on him with any European guys. He replied with, "Why would I be worried? You're not very pretty." FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 868

You deserved it 6 884

By Clueless - 14/05/2011 23:35 - United States

Today, I went to my phone company and had my text history pulled. Why? Because a few days ago my 4 year old daughter told me that, "Daddy has a wife and a girlfriend." Turns out she was right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 729

You deserved it 4 383

By lft - 06/06/2009 20:16 - United States

Today, I called over my math teacher to ask a question. I have a really bad cold. I asked him about a problem and he reached over my desk to point at the diagram and explain it. Then I suddenly had to sneeze and I got tons of snot all over his hand and arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 868

You deserved it 10 140

By 800z - 16/08/2011 06:44 - United Kingdom

Today, I biked 15 km to my girlfriend's house in really heavy rain to surprise her. Turns out she's on holiday in Spain, and hadn't bothered to tell me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 426

You deserved it 4 599

Extreme response

By poordude - 03/04/2021 05:00

Today, my girlfriend told me that our relationship and economic situation is stressing her out so much that she’d rather end her life or marry a rich dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 891

You deserved it 106

Do me a solid

By Anonymous - 15/02/2021 20:01

Today, and for the last six months, I've been on a medication that greatly improves the main symptoms of my chronic illness. Too bad it also gives me chronic diarrhea. I feel much better and can function better than I have since my teens, but I haven't taken a solid dump in half a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 925

You deserved it 62

By awkward - 26/07/2013 18:00 - United States - Yorba Linda

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. Instead of moaning like any normal person, he just kept saying stuff like "uh-huh," "not too bad," and "yup" in a complete monotone. It was probably the most uncomfortable experience of my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 008

You deserved it 7 229

By teacher - 31/08/2010 14:50 - United States

Today, I heard two of my students having a conversation. One asked what state Arizona was in, and the other replied Canada. I teach sixth grade social studies and they weren't joking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 793

You deserved it 8 369

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Top comments

Pwn17 25

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Monday 8 July 2013 16:26

Your dog really knows how to stir shit up.

FALLENSEBZERO 16

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Monday 8 July 2013 16:25

"Just smile and wag my tail"

FALLENSEBZERO 16

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Monday 8 July 2013 16:25

"Just smile and wag my tail"

Pwn17 25

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Monday 8 July 2013 16:26

Your dog really knows how to stir shit up.

vehementbitch 4

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Monday 8 July 2013 16:35

I like that in you.

BntyHntrSeattle 30

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Monday 8 July 2013 18:21

Pull his tail three times and I bet he'll turn into the devil.

thatkidhesh 11

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Monday 8 July 2013 18:47

your dog should visit the banks that allowed people such crazy loans that ruined this country.

applebramble 22

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Wednesday 10 July 2013 20:09

Aww you poor soul! You gotta clean that shit up too!

AmyPond17 33

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Monday 8 July 2013 16:27

To clean up dog shit in a revolving door?

mario2012 18

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Monday 8 July 2013 16:28

Trolling dog.

jessBeAqueen 13

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Monday 8 July 2013 16:28

its like a giant kitchen aid stirring up chocolate batter....mmmmmm

s13495 19

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Monday 8 July 2013 16:48

oh that was too much haha!!

False_Stupidity 41

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Monday 8 July 2013 16:58

This comment was pure distilled awesome, I couldn't stop laughing for at least 3 minutes.

FALLENSEBZERO 16

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Monday 8 July 2013 17:13

#6: Please seek help.

jessBeAqueen 13

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Monday 8 July 2013 18:21

#29 please seek a sense of humor....preferably a twisted one.

challan 19

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Monday 8 July 2013 16:28

Then he'll get dizzy and puke... The clean up never ends in this scenario!

adameeo 21

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Monday 8 July 2013 16:29

Comic timing. Something dogs excel at :)

mario2012 18

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Monday 8 July 2013 16:29

That's quite the disturbing dream.

tegraturbo2000 15

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Monday 8 July 2013 16:29

can your day get any "shitier"

False_Stupidity 41

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Monday 8 July 2013 16:59

Nope and neither can that comment.

assassinbanana0 20

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Monday 8 July 2013 19:39

Next time you should come up with a comical and original pun. This one was just bad

tegraturbo2000 15

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Tuesday 9 July 2013 0:02

yea i can see your a comical genious

challan 19

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Monday 8 July 2013 16:30

I believe your dog is a evil mastermind. I can hear his chuckle from here. He may be half cat...

TheDrifter 23

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Monday 8 July 2013 19:01

If he was all cat and dog sized he would have rushed the door and smeared at a full run.

olpally 32

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Monday 8 July 2013 20:09

Of course, the drifter would know^^*looks at evil cat in profile pic* *runs like hell*

Nearly

Today I ripped my lovely £50 coat on barbed wire, what I only worn a hand full of times, ended up having to spend £10 to get it repaired, have to wait till Friday to pick it up, it’s only Tuesday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11

You deserved it 17

Today, a tech came to repair my cracked phone screen. He told me to remove my case and took it to his van in my driveway to fix it. Thirty minutes later, he rings my doorbell and hands me my phone back. He says he fixed the screen but tripped and dropped it walking back to my house, and completely shattered the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Today, I spent all day waiting for an unlikely follow up text from the girl from Tinder I let peg me on the first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 398

You deserved it 1 102

Today, I swear I'm off men for good after my latest dud date wanted me to pee on his chest to turn him on, and we were only 20 minutes into the first date. The entire male gender are disgusting pigs, no matter how nice they pretend to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 859

You deserved it 1 254

Blackout drunk

Confess!

Extreme response

Do me a solid

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