Today, my dog decided to poop while inside a revolving door....

By PerfectTiming - 8/7/2013 11:19 - Netherlands - Eindhoven

Today, my dog decided to poop while inside a revolving door. Before I could do anything, the door swung around and smeared it everywhere. My dog excels at timing. FML

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Animals

DINOSAURS!!

Who's a good boy?

British Broadcasting Corporation

By Awkward - 22/8/2013 23:50 - United States

Today, while training a new employee, I had to run after a naked guy chasing a hooker at the hotel I work at. I made him go back to his room, while she offered me a good time for 300 bucks. The trainee left and hasn't come back yet. FML

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By CircleBruise - 8/6/2010 23:58 - United States

Today, I was playing my guitar and singing on the street corner. I did earn money, when some guy threw a quarter out of his car window for me. It hit me in the face. I now have a circle shaped bruise under my eye. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/12/2013 17:12 - United States - California

Today, I got a call from a girl I dated long ago, who cheated on me and got pregnant by another guy, or so we thought. Turns out it isn't his, and she is taking me to court for child support. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/11/2010 05:48 - United States

Today, everyone at work was demanding I stage a party at my house. I agreed to it and rushed home to tidy up before the guests arrived. No one showed up. FML

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By Dopeydancer - 8/9/2009 13:12 - United Kingdom

Today, after a few drinks with some mates at a bar, we were invited to the dancefloor with some girls. After some dancing and flirting, I felt a cheeky squeeze on my backside, and so I quickly returned the favour without looking back. A few minutes later at the bar, I realised my wallet was gone. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/6/2020 02:00

Notification sound

Today, I farted during a Zoom call in front of our client. I thought mic was muted. My Team Lead had lot of things to say to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2010 05:39 - United States

Today, after weeks of allowing my parents to borrow money, I got a check for $2000. I took it to the bank only to find out it was fake. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2009 04:12 - United States

Today, my boss asked me how my parents' divorce affected me as a child. This is a sensitive subject, but I thought he was trying to connect with me so I told him how much it hurt. Turns out he wants to leave his wife and wanted to know if his kids would turn out "messed up" because of it. FML

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By fuggers :/ - 24/11/2013 21:38 - United Kingdom - Basingstoke

Today, my workplace had a big employee photoshoot for an ad campaign. I was there all of 30 seconds before the photographer said, "What the fuck? Look guys, this ain't an ad for facial abortions." He then asked me and another colleague to step out of the shot. FML

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By haleyfml - 27/10/2010 06:07 - United States

Today, I took a shower and right after I fell asleep on my bed wrapped in my towel. I awoke to find my dad slapping me in the face. He thought I had fainted because I'm a diabetic. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/1/2015 14:24 - Estonia - Tallinn

Today, my boyfriend told me that he gets more pleasure out of using a Q-tip than he does having sex with me. FML

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By Claire - 19/1/2013 13:51 - United States - Parkville

Today, after getting into an argument with my dad, he told me that I would make a great ex wife one day. FML

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By mackamuir - 1/4/2016 13:01 - Australia - Gold Coast

Today, my roommate played a crazy April Fool's joke on me by not paying his rent this month. Good one. FML

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By Jeff - 23/5/2019 22:21

Fight Club for Dummies

Today, my boyfriend and I were play fighting. He said, "I should stop trying to hurt you," before punching me in the face. I lost a tooth. He found it hilarious. FML

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By orely44 - 8/3/2013 14:13 - France - Rez

Today, after about fifteen minutes of my cat bullying me into letting him get onto my lap, I finally caved. He clambered on, turned around, farted in my direction and got off as fast as he got on. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/11/2009 05:16 - United States

Today, I applied some things I learned reading a "How to please a woman" book. My wife was in heaven until it was over, then she started crying and yelling about the only way I would learn those things is if I was having an affair. I explained but she doesn't believe me. FML

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By Itchy - 28/2/2017 18:00

Today, I found out I'm allergic to soil, pollen, dust, mold, the colors green, yellow, orange, black and grey, most metals, wood, carpet, drywall, most hygiene and beauty products, and plastic. Basically, I was told to avoid the entire planet and everything man-made. FML

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By hairless - 9/10/2011 03:53 - Canada

Today, I learned the hard way that your little brother is not joking when he threatens to shave your eyebrows if you don't let him watch cartoons. FML

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By Username - 26/9/2011 04:28 - United States

Today, my mother followed me to work to see what I got up to. I'm a fitness instructor in a ground floor gym that has big windows overlooking the street. She stood outside and waved at me for half an hour, while I tried to concentrate on teaching a visibly amused class. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2019 00:01

Halloween has started early

Today, while walking down the street, I was violently beaten up by a man in a Darth Vader outfit. FML

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By tsunami - 10/9/2018 03:30

Time to move out!

Today, my mother took my brand new PS4, which I haven't even played yet, and threw it out the window while I was at work. When I asked her why, she said she was mad that we didn't have any paper towels left. FML

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By lovefool - 12/1/2011 10:58 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend of a year dumped me by text. It's also the day that the birthday present I ordered for him was finally processed and shipped, meaning I can't cancel and get my money back. FML

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By Voltron - 11/1/2012 00:37 - United States

Today, I have to go on a diet, because I can't afford to buy bigger clothes. FML

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By Loho - 25/3/2009 02:46 - Canada

Today, I was using my dad's cell because I had broken mine. I was texting my boyfriend all day when my dad needed his phone back. I forgot to tell my boyfriend that my dad would be using the phone. My boyfriend then texted graphically what he wanted to do to my dad. FML

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By facepalm - 6/6/2012 08:06 - United States - Santa Rosa

Today, my mother is trying to convince me to divorce my husband. He has a tattoo of a skull on his shoulder and she believes this means he kills people. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2009 19:04 - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me out to dinner, which we never do. While at the restaurant he gets down on his knees, looks me in the eyes, and pulls out a little box. He opens it and inside is a note that says 'We're Done.' He then leaves me at the restaurant with the bill and the $2.00 box. FML

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By 0867142 - 27/2/2010 00:39 - Canada

Today, I found out that I spent a year helping my dad get back into shape, not for his own good health which was what I thought, but so that he could cheat on my mom with 5 other women. FML

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By avocadotoe - 14/11/2016 06:52 - United States - Big Bear Lake

Today, my boyfriend and I were house sitting. We were a little on edge because we'd heard noises. We were starting to get intimate, and suddenly the house alarm started going off. We locked ourselves in the room, called the police, and they told us that we were the ones who'd set it off. FML

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By Wounded_irony - 5/12/2017 05:00

Today, I was wearing flip flops whilst putting out the trash, and was careful not to step near the broken glass surrounding the trash cans. My mother ran up to me hysterically warning me about the glass, which startled me and caused me to step on a shard, slicing my foot open. FML

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By IHateBeingAStudent - 12/2/2012 09:43

Today, a little girl I give horse-riding lessons to told me she had saved up $8.00 for her own pony. I laughed and thought how cute she was, then realized that was more than I have in my own savings account. FML

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By fatty - 7/6/2009 02:14 - United States

Today, my friend was complaining about how fat she was. To make her feel better I said, "Psh, you're not fat! In fact we're about the same weight!" She looked at me for a second, then burst into tears sobbing, "I'm fat! I'm fat!" FML

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By embarrassed4life - 25/6/2009 04:34 - United States

Today, I was in a public restroom when the girl in the stall next to me started asking me how I was doing. Thinking it was weird but not wanting to be rude, I answered her questions. Halfway though our conversation she said: "Hold on, the girl in the stall next to me thinks I'm talking to her." FML

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By TecheyTim - 1/4/2015 17:46 - United States - Latham

Today, a coworker and I pulled a April Fools' joke on our boss. She "borrowed" his keys and rolled down his window. I took a car window from a scrap yard and sprinkled it on the ground near his door. His response was to kick the nearest object in anger. The nearest object happened to be my car. FML

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By fmyactuallife - 3/5/2020 08:00

Sludge factory

Today, I'm on my second day of a week of antibiotics to treat a bad urine infection. Incidentally, the pills seem to be giving me extremely loud, frequent, gut-wrenchingly painful and smelly diarrhea. Only 5 more days to go. FML

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By dumbo - 30/7/2009 14:43 - United States

Today, my friends had ditched me for a party I hadn't been invited to so I was sitting home alone. The only other thing in my house was the mosquito I nicknamed Fred. I liked to watch Fred fly around and try to suck my blood. 20 minutes later, I found Fred's dead body. I was actually sad. FML

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By kimboslice106 - 8/6/2011 05:21 - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend to spend the night at my house because my dad would be working out of town, and once the rest of the house left I thought it'd be sweet if he snuck in my room and slept with me. His reply was "Why bother? You're on your period, it's not like we can do anything." FML

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By Anonymous - 16/6/2010 23:16 - United States

Today, after weeks of looking forward to my birthday trip to the beach, I've come down with a serious case of the flu. My family is still going without me, but at least now they don't have to pay someone to watch the dog. Happy birthday to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/9/2012 19:10 - United States - Clinton

Today, my boyfriend picked me up from school. It was an unusually sweet gesture from him, and I was flattered. That is, until he told me to sit my ass in the back, so his dog could ride in front with him. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/2/2017 19:00 - United States - Spearfish

Today, my dumbass cat sat on a lit candle. The whole house now smells like burnt hair and I now have to clip clumps of wax-burnt hair off his bum. FML

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By whyarewerelated - 8/9/2011 15:41 - United Kingdom

Today, I was working alone in the office with my brother. He's run out of work to do, so has been singing Disney songs loudly and badly, throwing stationery at me, and just now snuck up on me from behind and wrapped duct tape round my face. It's just us in the office next week. FML

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Top comments

By Pwn17 | 25

#5570843 - Monday 8 July 2013 16:26

Your dog really knows how to stir shit up.

By FALLENSEBZERO | 16

#5570842 - Monday 8 July 2013 16:25

"Just smile and wag my tail"

Comments

By FALLENSEBZERO | 16

#5570842 - Monday 8 July 2013 16:25

"Just smile and wag my tail"

By Pwn17 | 25

#5570843 - Monday 8 July 2013 16:26

Your dog really knows how to stir shit up.

vehementbitch | 4

#5570855 - Monday 8 July 2013 16:35

I like that in you.

BntyHntrSeattle | 30

#5570951 - Monday 8 July 2013 18:21

Pull his tail three times and I bet he'll turn into the devil.

thatkidhesh | 11

#5570974 - Monday 8 July 2013 18:47

your dog should visit the banks that allowed people such crazy loans that ruined this country.

applebramble | 22

#5574159 - Wednesday 10 July 2013 20:09

Aww you poor soul! You gotta clean that shit up too!

By AmyPond17 | 33

#5570844 - Monday 8 July 2013 16:27

To clean up dog shit in a revolving door?

By mario2012 | 18

#5570845 - Monday 8 July 2013 16:28

Trolling dog.

By jessBeAqueen | 13

#5570846 - Monday 8 July 2013 16:28

its like a giant kitchen aid stirring up chocolate batter....mmmmmm

s13495 | 19

#5570866 - Monday 8 July 2013 16:48

oh that was too much haha!!

False_Stupidity | 41

#5570891 - Monday 8 July 2013 16:58

This comment was pure distilled awesome, I couldn't stop laughing for at least 3 minutes.

FALLENSEBZERO | 16

#5570909 - Monday 8 July 2013 17:13

#6: Please seek help.

jessBeAqueen | 13

#5570950 - Monday 8 July 2013 18:21

#29 please seek a sense of humor....preferably a twisted one.

By challan | 19

#5570847 - Monday 8 July 2013 16:28

Then he'll get dizzy and puke... The clean up never ends in this scenario!

By adameeo | 21

#5570848 - Monday 8 July 2013 16:29

Comic timing. Something dogs excel at :)

By mario2012 | 18

#5570849 - Monday 8 July 2013 16:29

That's quite the disturbing dream.

By tegraturbo2000 | 15

#5570850 - Monday 8 July 2013 16:29

can your day get any "shitier"

False_Stupidity | 41

#5570894 - Monday 8 July 2013 16:59

Nope and neither can that comment.

assassinbanana0 | 20

#5571068 - Monday 8 July 2013 19:39

Next time you should come up with a comical and original pun. This one was just bad

tegraturbo2000 | 15

#5571328 - Tuesday 9 July 2013 0:02

yea i can see your a comical genious

By challan | 19

#5570851 - Monday 8 July 2013 16:30

I believe your dog is a evil mastermind. I can hear his chuckle from here. He may be half cat...

TheDrifter | 23

#5571008 - Monday 8 July 2013 19:01

If he was all cat and dog sized he would have rushed the door and smeared at a full run.

olpally | 32

#5571099 - Monday 8 July 2013 20:09

Of course, the drifter would know^^*looks at evil cat in profile pic* *runs like hell*