Today, my dog decided to poop while inside a revolving door....

By PerfectTiming - Netherlands - Eindhoven

Today, my dog decided to poop while inside a revolving door. Before I could do anything, the door swung around and smeared it everywhere. My dog excels at timing. FML

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Animals

RIP in peace

Understanding

Persona non grata

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I decided to conquer my fear of blades, and tried shaving my legs with a razor. I sat on the side of my bathtub and wet my legs, but some of the water splashed. I slipped on it and fell back, hitting my head on the tile wall and slicing my leg open at the same time. FML

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By - France

Today, I have dark hairs growing on my chest, nipples and stomach... I'm a 19 year old girl. FML

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By engineerdude91 - United States

Today, I realized the benefits at Burger King are better than at my company. I'm an engineer, have three degrees, speak three languages fluently, and work at a multi-billion dollar company. The guy flipping burgers has better health care and more corporate 401k contributions than I do. FML

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By bluskyz1979 - United States - Cypress

Today, my boyfriend and I were on a date and he starts complaining about how his back is hurting him. He complains the whole evening. Fast forward to later that night, we are in bed so I ask him if he was feeling OK. He says, "I guess so. I'm just confused about my feelings for you." FML

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By RoxahTheGreat - United States

Today, I was unloading things into a hotel. As I went to get a bag out in the hallway, the room door closed and I had no key. When I knocked and asked my family to let me back in, no one answered. The doors are clearly not soundproof. I could hear them debating whether or not to let me back in. FML

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By UrbanCass - United States

Today, I finally had sex with a girl I've been dating for over a month. Before we got started she told me not to worry about the birth control because she could handle that. So after we finished I asked her what kind of birth control she used. She said she meditated. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Youngsville

Today, after two weeks of intense detective work, I found out my wife isn't cheating on me after all. She really has just been going out and playing table tennis with her friend like she said. Who the hell even plays table tennis? FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rocky Mount

Today, I had to sit through the wedding of my best friend and the love of my life, and pretend to be happy for them. FML

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By sillyrabbit - United States

Today, after I had filled up my car and got into it I saw a cute guy running towards me. I flashed a smile and left the door open and said "hey" when he was next to me. He said, "the pump is still attached to your car, you really should be more careful." FML

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By nohablaespanol - United States - Sanger

Today, I had an interview for a job I really wanted. On my resume, I wrote that I speak conversational Spanish, although I don't. When I arrived for the interview, my interviewer decided to conduct it in Spanish. FML

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By girl_what

Today, my parents informed me that my dad is leaving my mom and moving to Florida from New York tomorrow. I just spent $300 on a new crossbow for his birthday, which is tomorrow, in hopes that he would spend more time with me. FML

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By SocietyToday

Today, I was grocery shopping with my older sister. An elderly couple passed, and the man pointed to my sister, saying, "She LOVES to eat." My sister is 7 months pregnant, and I had to spend the next hour comforting her as she bawled her eyes out because of an off-hand comment from a stranger. FML

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By spiderchick23 - United States

Today, I was on the phone with an elderly customer at work. I had to spend 10 minutes listening to him describe how the underwear he bought was too tight and caused his bladder to leak. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2020 02:01

Rude

Today, my brother-in-law still insists on referring to me as "his brother's wife" and tells everyone I'm not his "sister-in-law." I've been married to his brother for 10 years. FML

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By hunnydoll - United States

Today, while talking to my boyfriend, I was frantically searching for my cell phone. He was curious as to what I was doing so I told him. There was long silence followed by laughter. He could hardly breathe as he told me, "Honey you're on your phone talking to me." FML

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By Little Miss Fucket - United States - Fort Worth

Today, I found out my husband has a fake Facebook account that he uses to add guys and live a double life as some kind of "gamer chick". This would be disturbing enough, even if he hadn't used pictures of me to give a face to his alter ego. FML

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By wtf mom - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, my very drunk mom called me to confess that she was the girl that my boyfriend left me for two years ago. FML

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By Fatnlonely

Today, at a pool party, I had forgotten to bring a swim suit, so I went in in my bra and shorts. After everyone screaming and telling me to put my shirt back on, I asked, "Why? It's the same as a bikini." My best friend told me it was because no one wanted to see me topless. FML

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By CoffeeBoy - United States

Today, I went to meet a potential client at StarBucks all the way across town about designing his website. I was extremely excited because I really need the work. I sat for an hour. Turns out he was across the street, at the other StarBucks. FML

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By ihateveganism - United States - Barrington

Today, my vegan girlfriend refused to give me a blowjob because, apparently, blowjobs aren't vegan. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as my dad and I were leaving a store, a man asked us if we could donate to an Alzheimer's fund. My dad hates being asked for money, and so he immediately hunched over and acted like a dirty, senile old man all the way to the car. FML

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By ummno - United States

Today, I was awakened in the middle of the night by a frantic banging on my front door. It was a guy whom I'd only been dating a few weeks, with a suitcase. He stated that his wife kicked him out for having an affair, and thought now would be a good time to move in together. FML

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By NikkiiFireStarter - United Kingdom

Today, I found out my 10 year old step-brother has an obsession with fire, after he burnt all the belongings in my room, including an £600 guitar. FML

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By RiceSickle - United States - Pleasanton

Today, I received the $30 parking pass that I ordered over 4 weeks ago. My class is only 4 weeks long, and next week is the last week. FML

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By Daughter of the year - Brazil - Rio De Janeiro

Today, while discussing my grades with my mother, she told me that when she was my age she was dumb but hardworking, and my dad was lazy but very smart. She then added, "You managed to get the worst out of each of us." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a man from across the bar looked at me, pointed and said "MMMM, now THAT'S what I want." Offended, I confronted him to tell him I felt disrespected by him referring to me as 'that.' Turns out, he was pointing to the cheeseburger that the waitress behind me was holding. FML

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By YEEYEE517

The customer is always something

Today, working in retail, I noticed a customer looking for an item, so I walked up to them and asked, "Is there something I can help you find?" He replied, "Did I ask for your fucking help?" FML

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By whasian - United States

Today, my soon to be mother-in-law sent me a birthday present. It was a necklace for me to wear at my wedding. The pendant is a well known lesbian symbol. I'm a woman and I'm marrying her son. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ocean Springs

Today, I got out of the shower and walked into my living room to see my sis' and her boyfriend sitting very closely on our family's fairly large couch. I laughed and said, "Look at the happy couple." Then her now ex-boyfriend burst into tears. Turns out they'd just broken up. FML

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By cain001 - United States

Today, my boss and I were stacking boxes in the back room of the store. One of the boxes fell and hit me in the face, causing me to lose my glasses. My boss stepped on my glasses as she ran to check the box for broken merchandise, which I then had to pay for. FML

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By rackman007 - United States

Today, I was wearing my new sunglasses while watching a basketball game. A pretty hot looking girl was sitting a few spots next to me so I stared at her breasts. A few minutes later, I looked up at her face and she was looking at me in disgust. It turns out that my sunglasses were see through. FML

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By Rohirus - Sweden

Today, during the early hours, I got hungry and went to grab something to eat. I entered the kitchen, only to see my stark-naked dad sitting at the table, eating cereal and reading the paper. He just nodded at me and said, "Son." I think I need a new pair of eyes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom admitted that her story about my dad leaving us for his current wife was a lie. He left when he caught her with a coworker. She blocked his number and got a restraining order to keep him from telling his side of the story. I haven't talked to my dad for six years because of this. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, after years of loneliness, I met the most amazing girl on Omegle. We spoke for ages and really clicked. But before either of us could exchange numbers, I lost my internet connection and her along with it. FML

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By Kim422 - United States

Today, I gave the toast at my sister's wedding which was outside. Before I started, the wind blew up my dress and wouldn't let up. Instead of giving my heartfelt speech, I spent five minutes fighting with my dress as 130 people pointed at my floral-printed underwear and laughed loudly. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2020 02:01

Unmissable

Today, I returned to work after testing out my theory yesterday that absolutely nobody would notice or care if I just did not show up. So far so good. FML

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By loser - United States

Today, I found out that the only reason my guy friends actually hang out with me at my house all the time is because they think my mom is hot. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while cleaning out my garage, I found a pregnant spider. I couldn't step on the spider without releasing the baby spiders, so I went inside to get a glass jar to trap it. While trying to relocate the spider, I accidentally stepped on it. I now have a bunch of baby spiders roaming around. FML

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By my_way_1213

Smart kid.

Today, at 2 in the afternoon, I walked in on my 6-year-old making coffee. When I asked what he was doing, he said, "You were being grumpy, and you said coffee makes you not so grumpy." FML

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By RescuePups - United States - Waterford

Sneaky Bitch

Today, my 8-week-old foster puppy pooped on my backpack as I was getting ready to go to work. In the 10 seconds it took to grab cleaning supplies, another foster dog ate my homemade breakfast sandwich off the counter. FML

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Top comments

By Pwn17 | 25

#5570843 - Monday 8 July 2013 16:26

Your dog really knows how to stir shit up.

By FALLENSEBZERO | 16

#5570842 - Monday 8 July 2013 16:25

"Just smile and wag my tail"

COMMENTS

By FALLENSEBZERO | 16

#5570842 - Monday 8 July 2013 16:25

"Just smile and wag my tail"

By Pwn17 | 25

#5570843 - Monday 8 July 2013 16:26

Your dog really knows how to stir shit up.

vehementbitch | 4

#5570855 - Monday 8 July 2013 16:35

I like that in you.

BntyHntrSeattle | 30

#5570951 - Monday 8 July 2013 18:21

Pull his tail three times and I bet he'll turn into the devil.

thatkidhesh | 11

#5570974 - Monday 8 July 2013 18:47

your dog should visit the banks that allowed people such crazy loans that ruined this country.

applebramble | 22

#5574159 - Wednesday 10 July 2013 20:09

Aww you poor soul! You gotta clean that shit up too!

By AmyPond17 | 33

#5570844 - Monday 8 July 2013 16:27

To clean up dog shit in a revolving door?

By mario2012 | 18

#5570845 - Monday 8 July 2013 16:28

Trolling dog.

By jessBeAqueen | 13

#5570846 - Monday 8 July 2013 16:28

its like a giant kitchen aid stirring up chocolate batter....mmmmmm

s13495 | 19

#5570866 - Monday 8 July 2013 16:48

oh that was too much haha!!

False_Stupidity | 41

#5570891 - Monday 8 July 2013 16:58

This comment was pure distilled awesome, I couldn't stop laughing for at least 3 minutes.

FALLENSEBZERO | 16

#5570909 - Monday 8 July 2013 17:13

#6: Please seek help.

jessBeAqueen | 13

#5570950 - Monday 8 July 2013 18:21

#29 please seek a sense of humor....preferably a twisted one.

By challan | 19

#5570847 - Monday 8 July 2013 16:28

Then he'll get dizzy and puke... The clean up never ends in this scenario!

By adameeo | 21

#5570848 - Monday 8 July 2013 16:29

Comic timing. Something dogs excel at :)

By mario2012 | 18

#5570849 - Monday 8 July 2013 16:29

That's quite the disturbing dream.

By tegraturbo2000 | 15

#5570850 - Monday 8 July 2013 16:29

can your day get any "shitier"

False_Stupidity | 41

#5570894 - Monday 8 July 2013 16:59

Nope and neither can that comment.

assassinbanana0 | 20

#5571068 - Monday 8 July 2013 19:39

Next time you should come up with a comical and original pun. This one was just bad

tegraturbo2000 | 15

#5571328 - Tuesday 9 July 2013 0:02

yea i can see your a comical genious

By challan | 19

#5570851 - Monday 8 July 2013 16:30

I believe your dog is a evil mastermind. I can hear his chuckle from here. He may be half cat...

TheDrifter | 23

#5571008 - Monday 8 July 2013 19:01

If he was all cat and dog sized he would have rushed the door and smeared at a full run.

olpally | 32

#5571099 - Monday 8 July 2013 20:09

Of course, the drifter would know^^*looks at evil cat in profile pic* *runs like hell*