Well atleast she was looking on the bright side of things..

Hopefully the thief will "see the light" and return your bike!

But if the thief dies, how will OP get their bike back?

Nobody.

Anybody, somebody, everybody!

Everypony?

Oh, no, no, no.. Shiny things attract idiots. Do you want OP's house to be swarmed by idiots?!?

Roooooxanne!

the cops ain't gonna do shit besides tell you they have more important things to deal with, I speak from experience

The only way to do that is shine the light directly in her eyes. I can't see much of a "bright side" otherwise.

I'm not sure if staring at me will help much..

You're perfect! Do you mind if I drag you along by a leash all day? That way whenever something happens I can just turn and look at you.

Or I stole someone's bike today, and then got rear ended by a truck because they couldn't see me without the red light. FML.

Today, I had to talk to the police as the paramedics peeled off some bicyclist from the front of my truck whom didn't have a rear light for me to see. FML

That's cool.. A whole family of FML's have been spawned from this one incident!