By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

Cheeky!

Today, at work, an old man was having trouble using his credit card at the checkout. I told him to "just stick it in", and he replied with "I love it when you talk dirty to me." The whole line at the checkout laughed. FML

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Work

Sorry…

Coherence dude, do you have it?

It's not a phase!

By ktinanic - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, severing all forms of communication but one: Words With Friends. FML

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28003

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By Anonymous - Italy - Verona

Today, as I woke up, the first thing I saw was a bee on my hand. I tried not to make the slightest move, waiting for it to fly away without stinging me. The second thing I saw was my cat jumping at it. FML

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4676

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By JZ - New Zealand

Today, I submitted my 5000 word assignment. When I got home, my mother asked if I'd checked it through one more time like she always warned me to do. I hadn't. And I therefore hadn't noticed the paragraph on p11 that she'd written, telling me to pay attention to the small details. FML

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By ouch - United States - Sioux City

Today, I found out that my lover and boyfriend of over 5 years has me listed in his contacts as "Vagina". FML

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52413

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By oof - 9/7/2020 23:01

Boom, headshot

Today, my fiancé and I were discussing whether we should have a gun in the house or not. He argued that I’m too clumsy to have one. Offended, I turned around to storm off. I hit my forehead on the cabinet I'd left open and immediately started gushing blood. Point proved. FML

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By gutted - New Zealand

Today, one of my really close friends changed from being 'free' to 'quite busy' in the space of one conversation because I suggested that we hang out. FML

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30399

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By Sucks2beme

Today, a cute guy who works in my building said, “Wow! You look hot.” I blushed and replied, “Oh thanks!” He then said, “Oh, no. I meant you look sweaty. Is it hot outside?” FML

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By Anonymous

Today, the main cause of my recent boost in anxiety is in fact the amount of debt that going to a therapist in the first place has put me in. I guess he did help me find the main cause of my emotional issues. FML

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2896

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By jake - United States

Today, as my girlfriend and I were on a romantic dinner for two, I tried pulling out the chair for her. She fell. FML

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28912

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By OutOfWork.OutOfTime - United States - Cookeville

Today, I had my first job interview since graduating from university. The person who interviewed me informed me that not using my degree after two years practically makes it null and void. I guess instead of being a financial advisor at the company, I could always be a janitor there. FML

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22598

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By Anonymous

Today, my ex-wife, who I have a 1000-yard restraining order against since she threatened my new wife and our kids, moved into a house down the street. The police say they can't do anything because her house is more than 1000 yards from mine. It's 1012 yards away. FML

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By ihatemakingnames - United Kingdom - London

Today, I trimmed my ear hair, my nose hair, shaved my hobbit feet, and trimmed the little sprouts that give me a unibrow if left alone. I still can't grow a beard. FML

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32135

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By Sub - United States

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to a female friend of mine, because I thought they would get along. Apparently they get along better than I expected; she dumped me for the other girl. FML

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40515

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, it's my 17th birthday, and the first birthday since my mother died, leaving me to live with my previously-absent father. He gave me pretzels and a laser pointer, and said, "Happy birthday, fuckstick". One more year. FML

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By Bridget

Today, on to the bus home from school, I sat next to a guy that I ride with every day, but don't know well. He looked at me and said, "Hey, I know this girl named Bridget who looks just like you, but a lot more pale. She's really weird." I'm Bridget. I just got a tan. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2020 23:01

Let's go girls!

Today, someone said that women shouldn’t hate their menstrual cycles, because the hormonal changes were so "interesting". Sure, that’s the word I’d use for alternating between cramps and zits, being an insatiable nymphomaniac, and being so depressed I want to die. FML

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1516

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129

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By Bob - Canada

Today, I'm a cashier in a grocery store. The visiting regional manager tore me a new one for being lazy. His reason? After working a double shift with no break, I decided to sit down for a minute when things got slow. FML

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By tehaustiebear - United States - San Diego

Today, I went to my girlfriend's house to play Twister. Her parents watched us the whole time, making sure we didn't touch. FML

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28625

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By Janitoro - United States

Double-edged sword

Today, I was blessed with a girlfriend who loves giving blowjobs. And cursed with a girlfriend who is also somehow really bad at them. FML

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38270

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By look in the mirror bitch - 10/11/2020 14:04

Mind your own beeswax, Amanda

Today, I called someone out for her brazen homophobia. She was ranting about how gays are sinners. When I mentioned that she had three children by three different men, all out of wedlock, and was currently living with her boyfriend, also considered a sin, she reported me to HR for harassment. FML

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By just physical - Canada - Sarnia

Today, in an attempt to break up with my boyfriend, I told him, "I don't feel a mental connection between us." His reply? "Why do we need a mental connection?" FML

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31285

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By "Auburn_flame"

Today, I've been horribly sick with a stomach virus. Six hours ago, I asked my husband to go to the store and get me a few things that would help ease my misery. He's still in bed and I'm cleaning the house in between bouts of vomiting. FML

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By iamfab - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I asked my boyfriend to come hang out with me. He said he was busy and had to do homework. Since he never studies, I got suspicious and went to check up on him. I found him playing dress-up with his cat. He's 17. FML

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By You're NOT getting lucky today hun - Australia - Melbourne

Today, after confronting my boyfriend about cheating on me, he confessed to everything. I was caught off guard by his honesty, but not nearly as caught off guard as I was when he eagerly questioned me on when our breakup sex will be. FML

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35029

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was feeling frisky and asked my boyfriend if he wanted a blowjob. He said "Fuck no", then rolled over to go to sleep. FML

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By ljcxo17 - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend was cheating on me. But not to worry, he said she's only in town for a week then he's done with her. FML

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By faaail - Ireland - Cork

Today, while studying for a big test at the library, some idiots started playing hide-and-seek. After putting up with their snorting and giggling for nearly an hour, I finally lost my shit and told them to knock it off. I then got kicked out for causing a disturbance. FML

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By proud parent - United States - San Antonio

Today, my two year old has learned new things from his best friend. His best friend is our dog. He's learned to eat dog food, lick people, and now he's started taking off his diaper to lift his leg and pee. FML

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11414

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By daddylove - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 6 months broke up with me. I was crying for over an hour in my room. My dad came in and asked what was wrong. Just as I was about to tell him, he stops me and simply says "Oh, honey. I don't care... Just keep the noise down." Then walks out. FML

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By dammit33 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I got a $20 tip from an old lady I delivered pizza to. Ecstatic, I walked back to my car where there was a $30 parking fine waiting for me. FML

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25700

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By Seriously_Scaredy_Cat - United States

Today, I was taking some clean bedsheets down from the top of the wardrobe. As I pulled the top sheet down, a cat jumped onto my face, claws and all, before falling to the floor and running away. Thing is, I don't own a cat and I have no idea where in the house it has hidden now. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lewistown

Today, I am sick of watching my friend's dog while she is on vacation. In four days, this dog has shredded my mattress, peed on my couches, chewed my kitchen chairs, and attacked my dog while she slept. My friend won't answer her phone, but she does update Facebook non-stop. Ten days to go. FML

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7056

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By germx - United States

Today, I was at my job in the Dean of Students office. My boss gave me some papers to copy. As I was copying, I read in a report that my boyfriend was written up for "cohabitation" (having a girl stay over) at my Catholic university. The report was from a weekend I wasn't at school. FML

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By assumed

Today, during a class, I noticed some racist statements and symbols on a table. While erasing them, I bent down to pick up my dropped pencil. I look back up to see a teacher, and got a suspension. FML

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37486

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By now what? - 9/5/2021 23:59

Dancing Queen

Today, after my dad told me to sign my daughter up for expensive dance lessons as a birthday present, and she was ecstatic and very dedicated, I asked him for the payment for this month. He replied, "Oh, she wanted more than one lesson?" Now she won’t stop crying and I have no way to pay. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cleveland

Today, my friend told me he had just robbed a bank and needed a place to hide. Thinking he was joking, I let him in so we could hang out. 15 minutes later, the cops storm into my apartment. Now I'm an accomplice in a crime I thought was a joke. FML

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63671

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By Username - United States

Today, I was playing with my dog. His bouncy ball rolled under the couch, and I got on my hands and knees to get it. He decided it would be a good chance to hump the shit out of me. FML

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39820

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By Anonymous

Today, I was driving my dad, who recently turned 50, to the store and had to listen to him go on and on that he’s having to accept that, as my siblings and I get older and are more independent, he’s having to transition from "sex god to just a dad." I don't know either. FML

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1956

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By mmckie

Today, I went into a restaurant with my family. I slipped off my chair, pulling the tablecloth with all the food and drinks on it with me onto the floor. FML

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1638

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By reddd - United States

Today, I purposely wore a red shirt to Target just so people would talk to me. FML

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Top comments

By Dragon9597 | 6

#6026741 - Sunday 3 August 2014 18:38

That is amazing, and terrible at the same time.

By forsaken_ones | 9

#6026742 - Sunday 3 August 2014 18:39

I would have laughed too if i were in your shoes

COMMENTS

By Dragon9597 | 6

#6026741 - Sunday 3 August 2014 18:38

That is amazing, and terrible at the same time.

matdun101 | 19

#6026750 - Sunday 3 August 2014 18:41

Funniest old man ever! Come on that's pretty awesome!

OhDearBetrayal | 25

#6026883 - Sunday 3 August 2014 21:31

I'm sure in a grocery store this was as lively as it was going to get.

Rallred32 | 20

#6026986 - Sunday 3 August 2014 23:35

I don't think I would feel offended. I would probably laugh my ass off.

Kyle1dc | 17

#6034493 - Tuesday 12 August 2014 1:08

To be honest, if I could get away with it I would let the man go with free groceries...

By forsaken_ones | 9

#6026742 - Sunday 3 August 2014 18:39

I would have laughed too if i were in your shoes

Flaming_Pandas | 15

#6026778 - Sunday 3 August 2014 19:12

She should have reminded the man that he was the one who couldnt figure out how to stick it in :>

By aktail01 | 10

#6026743 - Sunday 3 August 2014 18:39

Just an old timer looking for laughs

tanekdrachonae | 19

#6026840 - Sunday 3 August 2014 20:49

Or a dirty old dog looking to bury his bone.

By SaveEdit | 14

#6026744 - Sunday 3 August 2014 18:39

It seems like you made a new friend. :)

By fuckedPriceless | 17

#6026746 - Sunday 3 August 2014 18:40

Honestly I'd laugh too. These moments are the highlights of my day and what can make work enjoyable. ;)

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#6026807 - Sunday 3 August 2014 19:56

certainly. I love jagging with customers. if I don't, who will? :)

celinadepp | 21

#6027796 - Monday 4 August 2014 20:43

Yeah, customers who make you smile are the most memorable ones. c:

By bigj74 | 4

#6026747 - Sunday 3 August 2014 18:40

I agree I'd laugh so hard, old man win!

By hobojo69 | 23

#6026748 - Sunday 3 August 2014 18:40

ohhh Grampa you're such a naughty boy! Hahaha that's pretty hilarious though

By polishguy05 | 15

#6026749 - Sunday 3 August 2014 18:41

Old men humor never gets old lol

By JRT98 | 12

#6026751 - Sunday 3 August 2014 18:41

Just reading that made me laugh... That geezer rocks.

By lmelendez | 7

#6026754 - Sunday 3 August 2014 18:41

Just laugh with him and others :)