Today, this girl I like just told me a funny story about her... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, this girl I like just told me a funny story about her pooping adventures. We shared a laugh and she told me "I could never say that to my boyfriend, but I can to you. I don't know, it's like the uglier the boy, the more comfortable I am with him." FML

I agree, your life sucks

49482

You deserved it

3532

Tweet

Share

Age ain't nothing but a number

This is us

Don't shoot the messenger

By tarheels526 - United States

Today, the alarm on my phone went off. I picked it up, hit snooze, and dropped it back on my desk without looking. I woke up an hour later to find that I had dropped it directly in a full glass of water. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14576

You deserved it

27356

Tweet

Share

By catgirl911 - United States

Today, I woke up to see my cat crawling out my window onto the roof. Afraid he was going to jump to the ground, I crawled out my window as well. I caught him. The neighbors caught me in my underwear and bra yelling at my cat on the roof. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15108

You deserved it

25023

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - United States

Today, due to the dry weather, my nose became dry and began to bleed so I plugged it with toilet paper and went about my business. Forgetting about it, I later went out to smoke a cigarette. Not paying attention, I lit the toilet paper on fire as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38874

You deserved it

44958

Tweet

Share

By Marie - United States

Today, I had a meeting at work with my board of directors for a potential promotion. When one of them told a joke, I politely let out an amused snort. Then, I noticed my director's white shirt and tie covered in red splatter. I nose bled all over the director of my company. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54308

You deserved it

4764

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, my girlfriend was in the midst of giving me head when she got lockjaw. My dick was stuck inside her mouth as she bit down on it for over an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5278

You deserved it

679

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, I accidentally covfefe

I agree, your life sucks

2819

You deserved it

1545

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, a telemarketer called me and asked if they could speak to my "mommy or daddy". I am 25 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27320

You deserved it

2770

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Tonight, on First Dates…

Today, I discovered that pictures really make a person look more attractive than they really are. Besides the downgrade in attraction, we got to spend the next two hours playing an awkward game of 20 questions. This from a guy that wanted nudes right away. So much for online charm. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1242

You deserved it

562

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Taiwan

Today, I went to pick up my daughter from preschool. When I got there, I ran to give her a hug. She screamed and ran away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35340

You deserved it

4517

Tweet

Share

By whatadisappointmnet - United States

Today, while cuddling up on the couch with my boyfriend, I asked him if this was his happy place too. He said, "Nah, it's in pussies." FML

I agree, your life sucks

34447

You deserved it

9916

Tweet

Share

By D: - France - Paris

Today, I woke up to my creepy new roommate licking my cheek. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50285

You deserved it

3872

Tweet

Share

By Trist

Well shit.

Today, after moving 1,400 miles across the country, quitting my full-time job, and selling most of my furniture to attend flight school, I got a call a month before my start date saying that they are closing my location. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3138

You deserved it

163

Tweet

Share

By Lady of Sorrows - United States

Today, I just went to the bathroom and someone thought I was a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23954

You deserved it

3280

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me we've just been fuck buddies for the entire year we've been "together." This wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't working up the courage to propose to her on our anniversary. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45445

You deserved it

5005

Tweet

Share

By Dor51 - United States - Tacoma

Today, we found out that my unborn sibling is a girl, and my parents quickly named her. In a few years' time, "Candida" is going to catch all kinds of shit at school, just like I do for being named Dorothy. My "friends" have already started calling me "lil' yeast infection's sis". FML

I agree, your life sucks

38208

You deserved it

2985

Tweet

Share

By bunyipp - Australia - Macquarie Park

Today, I was at work and a lady came in with a cake - I work as a nurse in a pediatrics ward. While we were eating the cake, she told us she used her breast milk instead of normal milk. Now all of us nurses have to be tested. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5398

You deserved it

428

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to log in to my computer on a projector in front of business associates at my dad's architecture firm. I typed in my username and apparently didn't hit the tab key hard enough, so I typed my password in the username box. The entire firm now knows my password is "tits123". FML

I agree, your life sucks

17909

You deserved it

76917

Tweet

Share

By Jamie - United States

Today, to get back at me for our recent breakup, my ex put a "9/11 was an inside job!" bumper sticker on my car. I work for the government in New York City, and I just got a text saying that my manager wants to talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3269

You deserved it

233

Tweet

Share

By MrZach - United States

Today, I had a tooth pulled. An hour or so later, I removed the gauze from my mouth, because I thought the bleeding had stopped. I got on my laptop. A few minutes later I looked down, to see that I had drooled blood all over the keyboard, and didn't know because my mouth was numb. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14822

You deserved it

33729

Tweet

Share

By no boobies - United States

Today, while shopping for dresses, I found a really cute one that fit me really well, but not at all in the breast area. My grandma screamed "buy her some titties!" Everyone in the store looked at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52626

You deserved it

4352

Tweet

Share

By Noname - Australia

Today, I did my work, the work of my co-worker who called in sick and the work of my boss who has no idea what the hell is going on all at the same time. I didn't get a promotion because I don't work hard enough. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45231

You deserved it

3186

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when she starts laughing and says "Wow, this is just too funny". FML

I agree, your life sucks

32713

You deserved it

6238

Tweet

Share

By GoogleOFF - 7/7/2020 08:08

Alexa, fuck off

Today, my Google Home decided the TV told it to play 'Despacito'. It didn't. Google then decided I wasn't yelling at it to turn it off. I was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1118

You deserved it

303

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada - Sackville

Today, I was sitting in the coffee shop where my boyfriend and I used to go before he broke up with me about a week ago. I was missing him and wishing he was there, when all of a sudden this 14-year-old kid comes up to me and says, "He's not coming, you may as well go home." FML

I agree, your life sucks

48540

You deserved it

6838

Tweet

Share

By veggieluver - United States - Scarsdale

Today, my grandfather asked me why the broccoli I served for dinner was white. I told him it was cauliflower. He would't believe me, accused me of being a Russian spy, and stormed out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36852

You deserved it

3231

Tweet

Share

By tooefficient

Monday, Monday, so good to me…

Today, I was scolded by my boss, all because I can finish most tasks in a quarter of the time it takes him, and he doesn't want to be shown up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1564

You deserved it

98

Tweet

Share

By Username - United States

Today, I got home to find my truck smashed by a fallen old tree. I was going to have the tree removed next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31711

You deserved it

5918

Tweet

Share

By Joey - Canada

Today, while DJing at a jumpin' wedding reception, my speaker system conked out. I hadn't brought any backup equipment, and 500 guests had the unfortunate luxury of dancing to the sounds of a portable CD player someone brought in from their car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10776

You deserved it

30492

Tweet

Share

By wet - United States

Today, the toilet on the top floor of my house burst, soaked the bathroom, and water dripped down into the kitchen and the basement for hours when nobody was home. Eight blowers and a dehumidifier later, the house is about 90 degrees and I can't leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27793

You deserved it

2854

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I got sick of my flatmate stealing my food so I decided to sabotage a leftover pizza with laxatives. I came back home later in the evening after a night of heavy drinking. Guess what I had to eat in my drunken stupor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17225

You deserved it

36746

Tweet

Share

By Ella - United States

Today, I went to the bathroom and didn't realize my skirt was tucked in my ugliest underwear until I reached the elevator. Thanks for not telling me girl-in-the-yellow-shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22342

You deserved it

5059

Tweet

Share

By btswc - United States

Today, I asked my husband, of only a year, why we don't have sex anymore. He said it's because he masturbates. When I asked how often he did it, he replied "Every day that we don't have sex..." FML

I agree, your life sucks

37939

You deserved it

9617

Tweet

Share

By deadgrass - United States - Middletown

Heavenly Shower

Today, I discovered that the stream of water that periodically falls onto the ground outside my apartment window isn't actually water. The guy above me regularly pees out of his window onto his balcony. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25603

You deserved it

1920

Tweet

Share

By Jeff G. - United States

Today, I had to send a picture of my Grandma at her funeral to my girlfriend, because she thought I was out cheating on her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39474

You deserved it

5854

Tweet

Share

By momac86 - United States

Today, I lost a sewing needle in the carpet. No worries, my big toe found it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34081

You deserved it

4188

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, at Arby's, there were two cute guys behind me in line. Right before ordering, my dad said loudly "Go get the calorie sheet. You need to lose more weight before you think about going after those guys." FML

I agree, your life sucks

38847

You deserved it

5318

Tweet

Share

By Teen - United States

Today, I was trying on clothes in a store that had just screens set up for changing. As I took off the first pair of pants had I tried on, my foot got hooked in the cuff and I fell out in my underwear in front of the whole store. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22012

You deserved it

2938

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend tried to justify having a one night stand with some other guy, with the words, "I'm on my period, okay?!" She acted like I was crazy when I asked how the fuck that made any sense. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37125

You deserved it

2635

Tweet

Share

By danikka1 - United States

Today, I told my husband that after fifteen years of marriage, I wanted a divorce. His first question was whether or not he could still go on the family cruise my parents are paying for in May. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25985

You deserved it

10442

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Walpole

Today, I was at a restaurant with my kids. I told my 13 year old about how the very first time she said she loved me. She was 2 and it was at this very restaurant. I told her the details and even started tearing up a little. She didn't even look up from her cell phone and said, "That's fab, ma." FML

I agree, your life sucks

32101

You deserved it

8735

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By nut_hicky66 | 0

#766370 - Sunday 10 January 2010 20:15

wow...fyl for sure...you should've just slapped her and told her to fuck off...

By spazz1824 | 0

#766374 - Sunday 10 January 2010 20:16

definately would have told her off for being that rude. what a bitch

COMMENTS

By nut_hicky66 | 0

#766370 - Sunday 10 January 2010 20:15

wow...fyl for sure...you should've just slapped her and told her to fuck off...

Reply

lendmeyourteeth | 0

#766437 - Sunday 10 January 2010 20:28

init way to pick the classy ladies ;)

Reply

PeopleRSoDumb | 0

#766490 - Sunday 10 January 2010 20:49

Shoulda been like... "Yeah, totally. And the chubbier the chick, the grosser the stories she tells."

Reply

The_Pleb | 0

#766505 - Sunday 10 January 2010 20:58

Lol calm down people, shes just making humor

You guys should learn to not take it so serious =p

Reply

jessxoxo28 | 5

#766540 - Sunday 10 January 2010 21:22

LMAO #14!!!
sure it may be humor, but its still pretty bitchy of her to say that

Reply

Reyo | 2

#766655 - Sunday 10 January 2010 22:56

There's a difference between "Lol, you so ugly *playful shove*" and "Man...you're ugly *awkwared silence*"

Reply

Dimmak_fml | 1

#767275 - Monday 11 January 2010 3:56

In Soviet Russia, poop takes you!

Reply

Flutist | 3

#767454 - Monday 11 January 2010 5:45

In Soviet Russia you would have been shot for that joke.

Reply

Gothgrl39 | 0

#767673 - Monday 11 January 2010 9:06

Agreed

Reply

ffmmllyaya | 0

#793620 - Saturday 23 January 2010 19:49

I found that to be true too. I'm a straight male n if the girl isn't extremely attractive I have more fun. if she is extremely attractive I usually have other stuff on my mind or try too hard

Reply

fuzz97 | 23

#849644 - Friday 12 February 2010 22:49

@#1: werd.

Reply

Blame_The_Dog | 0

#1047342 - Monday 28 June 2010 19:58

no. #1 is wrong, you should of simply raped her. Stole her money, and told her If she tells she dies.

Reply

pwincessa23 | 1

#1170255 - Sunday 1 August 2010 10:02

it's one of the girls from two girls one cup! ewww! jk lol

Reply

purplewheels | 0

#3114380 - Monday 15 August 2011 20:56

Haha

Reply

alliewillie | 22

#3916867 - Saturday 21 January 2012 2:59

... And you like her because of her sparkling personality? Apparent friendliness? Compassion towards others feelings?

Seriously I'm drawing a blank.

By JassyJas | 2

#766372 - Sunday 10 January 2010 20:15

buuuurn

By spazz1824 | 0

#766374 - Sunday 10 January 2010 20:16

definately would have told her off for being that rude. what a bitch

By BB7 | 0

#766399 - Sunday 10 January 2010 20:20

YDI for being friend with a bitch

By iamgoofymovie | 0

#766402 - Sunday 10 January 2010 20:21

haha that's funny

By holaworld | 0

#766415 - Sunday 10 January 2010 20:24

wow harsh much

By Invisable_No_one | 0

#766419 - Sunday 10 January 2010 20:25

tell her she's fat...that'll get her

By MadeOfAwesome | 1

#766420 - Sunday 10 January 2010 20:25

"pooping adventures"?! I fail to see what it is adventurous about shitting

Reply

neko_ceko | 3

#766609 - Sunday 10 January 2010 22:05

Haha that's funny

Reply

rogeriskira | 5

#809955 - Saturday 30 January 2010 19:33

Yeah what can be so adventurous about that?

By marycharles | 0

#766468 - Sunday 10 January 2010 20:38

wowww. that's a diss

By kiendudu | 2

#766480 - Sunday 10 January 2010 20:46

youll get your girl mate