Miscellaneous: Today, this girl I like just told me a funny story about her... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, this girl I like just told me a funny story about her pooping adventures. We shared a laugh and she told me "I could never say that to my boyfriend, but I can to you. I don't know, it's like the uglier the boy, the more comfortable I am with him." FML

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Understandable

Sorry…

Tidy your room

By BirdBrain

Today, I discovered that I don't have a college fund. My mother stole the money when she divorced my dad and he never bothered to tell me. Now he's offered to pay my tuition if I go to a military academy. If I don't take the offer, he wants me to move out by next Friday. FML

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By Forever sad - United States

Today, I learned that my mother might not live much longer. My boyfriend, instead of showing compassion asked me, "We're still having video chat sex, right?" FML

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By Lucyferia Michelle - 9/4/2021 11:00

GERD Gang!

Today, I learned that I have multiple gallstones, even though the lab report said I only had one. However, the pain is both in my left side and right side, as well as around my navel. I also have Chronic GERD and IBS. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I had to lie to my coworkers about me and some guy beating the absolute shite out of each other in a bar fight, all to avoid admitting my black eye was from my 7 year old son punching me in the face the other day. FML

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By jacey chreyest - United Kingdom - London

Today, I married the love of my life. I was ecstatic until the wedding reception, where my new husband got drunk and started crying about how he'd been "forced" into marrying me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after a long day of cleaning, I decided to make a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch. Reaching for what I thought was Pam I coated my bread with spray and put my sandwich in the pan. Pledge makes a great looking sandwich, but the lemony flavor tastes like crap. FML

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By kellyem2

Today, I found out that when my boss said she was considering bumping me up to full time, she actually meant she was planning on letting me go. Everyone in the office except me knew. FML

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By Knottywoman

Today, I dreamt my fiancé was rolling frozen potatoes onto my bed to wake me up. In reality I woke up screaming to intense cramps in my legs which almost reduced me to tears. I could barely walk for two hours. FML

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By Locked Out - United States

Today, after coming home from school, I found that two birds have made a nest above the porch light. This wouldn't be a problem if they stopped attacking me every time I get within 5 feet of them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lemont

Today, I finally lost my virginity. Too bad it cost me every last shred of self-respect and involved begging a hooker to take my money. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Chilly

Today, my window got busted and won't shut properly. I live in a college dorm room and maintenance says they can't fix it for a couple of days. It's below freezing in my dorm and I can see my breath while trying sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Drama Llama

Today, I took the kids I'm babysitting to the farm to feed the animals. They were a little scared of the llama, so I showed them how nice it was by feeding it a lot of bread. Then, as I was telling the farmer how I loved the llama and wanted to take it home, it spit grass and bread all over my face. FML

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By TSampson - United States

Today, my mom's will was read to the rest of the family. I helped my mom write it a couple years ago, and I was to get funds to pay off school loans. She revised it and put in a note saying I was to get nothing because I was "lazy." The executor read it out loud. FML

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By meantowheels - United States

Today, while walking in the mall, I had two people race past me in wheelchairs. Thinking they were racing, I started rooting for the one guy that was ahead. Turns out his wheelchair was malfunctioning and the other was chasing after to help. He then slammed and fell into the water fountain. FML

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By dogmom - United States - Honolulu

Today, my boyfriend picked me up and spun me around like they do in the movies, but not before grimacing, taking a deep breath, and muttering "one, two, three... and... uuuppp!" FML

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By frustrated - United States - Forest Park

Today, I called the cops on a couple who was fighting outside my window at 4am. They hid in the bushes when the cops came, came back out when they left, and started fighting again. FML

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By Guessmyproffhatesme

Today, in exams to become a funeral director, my full name was used as the example of the deceased in a few questions. Actually, 22 questions. FML

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By Husband

Today, my wife called to me from across the house just to look at the penis-shaped period bloodstain on the back of her underwear. FML

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By evomadrid24 - United States

Today, I had to be an observer for a drug test at work. Me and two others got to watch 130 guys take a piss, and then leave work two hours later than everyone else. FML

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By notgoodenough

Today, I was informed I wouldn't be getting a raise because I hadn't followed the updated protocol. I said I was unaware that there was an updated protocol. My supervisor said, "That's because we didn't tell you about it." FML

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By Robert

Today, I finally got medication to deal with my seizures. I've had them since I was 5, but my mother had always believed I was faking it. When I seized during a basketball game, she actually came onto the court and lectured the referee for "humoring" me. FML

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By Sarah-grace - United States - Benton

Today, I was dumping some old milk in the sink and noticed it wasn't going down. Assuming food was clogging the drain, I stuck my hand down in it to remove the food. I removed a blueberry and half a cockroach. FML

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By see you next cunt - United States

Today, about 10 minutes into my first jog in months, someone in a car started following me, yelling stuff like "Oh my god, it's Shamu!" and "Run faster, fatty!" I ended up breaking down in tears before he finally sped off, roaring with laughter. FML

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By XxmegaronixX - United States - Fond Du Lac

Today, my workplace often leaves out "expired" food from the café that our department coincides with, as it is wasteful to throw away perfectly fine cuisine. I soon discovered that the inside of a seemingly normal looking cupcake was actually filled with mold when I took a large mouthful of it. FML

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By workworkwork

Today, my boss asked me to pick up more waitressing shifts because we are short-staffed. I already work seven days a week. FML

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By Jennagirl - Australia

Today, after spending the night at my boyfriend's house, I was heading out the door when he called me back to hand me something I had left at his house a while ago. It was one of my bras. It wasn't until I got home I noticed the cup size was a B. I'm a size D. FML

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By embarrassed girl - United States - Saint Cloud

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate. It was going well until I accidentally passed gas. To add to the embarrassment, he rated it. I only got a 4 out of 10. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I watched a grizzled, old gas station attendant with a stain on her blouse use my driver's license to pick something out of her teeth. FML

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By DL06 - United States

Today, I met a guy online. We talked all night long and hit it off amazingly. He told me he'd never felt that way about anyone else, and I agreed. He sent me a picture and he was gorgeous. I sent him one after he assured me he didn't care what I looked like. I haven't heard from him since. FML

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By moonbears - United States - Portland

Today, as I tried to parallel park at a busy spot downtown, a group of teens jumped in front of my car and started a slow clap. FML

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By Anonymous - Finland

Today, my sad ass got walked in on by a relative while I was having an imaginary conversation, with an imaginary friend, and I was talking out loud. FML

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By gengiskarn69 - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny to sneak up on my dad while he was rummaging through his briefcase. He must have heard me, because the moment I got up close, he whirled around and yelled "BOO!" causing me to scream like a little bitch. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after two months of being teased by my friends for getting wasted and passing out from only one shot, I learned that I wasn't actually too weak to handle the alcohol. My "friends" had secretly laced my drink with sleeping pills. They're now teasing me for believing them. FML

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By anon - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking in the park when I heard some boys shouting behind me. As I turned around they poured a bucket of red liquid over my head. They thought I was someone they knew. I wasn't. And i was wearing a $200 white dress. Red dye doesn't come out of white dresses. FML

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By not as easy as pie - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to explain to a police officer that I wasn't drunk and had swerved because I was eating pie and almost dropped it. FML

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By woah - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me how women could urinate with a tampon in. FML

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By safariboo - United States

Today, I returned home to my girlfriend after being away for 6 weeks of work. I decided to take a shower and change before having a nice dinner with her. Without looking I grabbed a random pair of jeans from my closet to put on. They were Levis. I don't own or wear any Levis. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Bounced

Today, I was at a metal concert and I met a really cute girl. We got talking, and started getting close. We were about to kiss during the transitional period between 2 bands, but I was then pulled away by her father, who owned the venue. I was thrown out. Before the main act. FML

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By unfucked - Australia - Mona Vale

Today, my girlfriend and I reconciled after having a huge fight last week. We went out drinking, and things got pretty intense, so we went back to my place. We made it to the bedroom, but somewhere between her taking off my shirt and me taking off her pants, we both passed out. FML

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By Abby_gummibear - United States

Today, at the Mommy and Me dance class that I take my four year old daughter to, the instructor had us do a stretch, telling us to pretend we're mermaids. My daughter said to me, "But you're not a mermaid, you're a whale!" FML

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Top comments

By nut_hicky66 | 0

#766370 - Sunday 10 January 2010 20:15

wow...fyl for sure...you should've just slapped her and told her to fuck off...

By spazz1824 | 0

#766374 - Sunday 10 January 2010 20:16

definately would have told her off for being that rude. what a bitch

COMMENTS

By nut_hicky66 | 0

#766370 - Sunday 10 January 2010 20:15

wow...fyl for sure...you should've just slapped her and told her to fuck off...

Reply

lendmeyourteeth | 0

#766437 - Sunday 10 January 2010 20:28

init way to pick the classy ladies ;)

Reply

PeopleRSoDumb | 0

#766490 - Sunday 10 January 2010 20:49

Shoulda been like... "Yeah, totally. And the chubbier the chick, the grosser the stories she tells."

Reply

The_Pleb | 0

#766505 - Sunday 10 January 2010 20:58

Lol calm down people, shes just making humor

You guys should learn to not take it so serious =p

Reply

jessxoxo28 | 5

#766540 - Sunday 10 January 2010 21:22

LMAO #14!!!
sure it may be humor, but its still pretty bitchy of her to say that

Reply

Reyo | 2

#766655 - Sunday 10 January 2010 22:56

There's a difference between "Lol, you so ugly *playful shove*" and "Man...you're ugly *awkwared silence*"

Reply

Dimmak_fml | 1

#767275 - Monday 11 January 2010 3:56

In Soviet Russia, poop takes you!

Reply

Flutist | 3

#767454 - Monday 11 January 2010 5:45

In Soviet Russia you would have been shot for that joke.

Reply

Gothgrl39 | 0

#767673 - Monday 11 January 2010 9:06

Agreed

Reply

ffmmllyaya | 0

#793620 - Saturday 23 January 2010 19:49

I found that to be true too. I'm a straight male n if the girl isn't extremely attractive I have more fun. if she is extremely attractive I usually have other stuff on my mind or try too hard

Reply

fuzz97 | 23

#849644 - Friday 12 February 2010 22:49

@#1: werd.

Reply

Blame_The_Dog | 0

#1047342 - Monday 28 June 2010 19:58

no. #1 is wrong, you should of simply raped her. Stole her money, and told her If she tells she dies.

Reply

pwincessa23 | 1

#1170255 - Sunday 1 August 2010 10:02

it's one of the girls from two girls one cup! ewww! jk lol

Reply

purplewheels | 0

#3114380 - Monday 15 August 2011 20:56

Haha

Reply

alliewillie | 22

#3916867 - Saturday 21 January 2012 2:59

... And you like her because of her sparkling personality? Apparent friendliness? Compassion towards others feelings?

Seriously I'm drawing a blank.

By JassyJas | 2

#766372 - Sunday 10 January 2010 20:15

buuuurn

By spazz1824 | 0

#766374 - Sunday 10 January 2010 20:16

definately would have told her off for being that rude. what a bitch

By BB7 | 0

#766399 - Sunday 10 January 2010 20:20

YDI for being friend with a bitch

By iamgoofymovie | 0

#766402 - Sunday 10 January 2010 20:21

haha that's funny

By holaworld | 0

#766415 - Sunday 10 January 2010 20:24

wow harsh much

By Invisable_No_one | 0

#766419 - Sunday 10 January 2010 20:25

tell her she's fat...that'll get her

By MadeOfAwesome | 1

#766420 - Sunday 10 January 2010 20:25

"pooping adventures"?! I fail to see what it is adventurous about shitting

Reply

neko_ceko | 3

#766609 - Sunday 10 January 2010 22:05

Haha that's funny

Reply

rogeriskira | 5

#809955 - Saturday 30 January 2010 19:33

Yeah what can be so adventurous about that?

By marycharles | 0

#766468 - Sunday 10 January 2010 20:38

wowww. that's a diss

By kiendudu | 2

#766480 - Sunday 10 January 2010 20:46

youll get your girl mate