Intimacy: Today, I texted my boyfriend a few dirty messages at lunch time...

By fun in functioning, I suppose - United States - Starkville

Today, I texted my boyfriend a few dirty messages at lunch time and told him how badly I wanted him home. He texted back lecturing me on how I shouldn't be so drunk so early. I was totally sober, but now I need a drink. FML

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Intimacy

Dangling modifier

Added flavor

This guy is a GENIUS

By muffin - United States

Today, I wanted to look really good for my date. I was a little self-conscious, so I decided to use Nair on my upper lip just in case I had a female mustache. Unfortunately, it turns out I'm allergic to Nair. Now I DO have a mustache. A rash mustache. FML

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By pam - France

Today, I said thanks to a man who got up for me in the bus. He angrily said "no, not you!". The old lady who sat down is now staring at me. FML

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By Hungry - United States - Appleton

Today, I got written up at work for clocking back in from lunch early. Yesterday I got a verbal warning for coming back late. I'm scared to go to lunch at all now. FML

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By Anonymous - Switzerland - Corminboeuf

Today, I told my parents I don't really like children and probably won't have any in the future. They sat me down and gave me a lecture on how people who hate kids are heartless. FML

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By marriedwithfamily - United States

Today, I went on my honeymoon to Hawaii. My family decided to surprise my new husband and I by joining us on our vacation. FML

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By me

Today, I thought it would be funny to hide behind the ice machine at work and jump out randomly and scare people. This resulted in my first victim whacking me in the head with a skateboard. FML

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By Anonymous - Tanzania United Republic of

Today, I was driving along when I saw a hot girl walking. I decided to impress her by doing a 180 degree turn. Successfully pulling off my trick, I decided to back up so I could go the right way. Not looking behind, I backed up and smashed into a wall. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pleasantville

Today, while blissfully unaware that it was the anniversary of the 9/11 attacks, I was making paper airplanes during my free period in school. Next thing I know, I was reported for, "making jokes about the 9/11 attacks." FML

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By Just Me - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I came out to my mom as a lesbian. She told me that it was impossible, because since she isn't one, she therefore couldn't have given birth to one. She still won't believe me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tyler

Today, a customer at my coffee shop bitched me out because we don't sell cranberry juice. FML

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By Mamaofdrama

Today, I was working on potty training my daughter. She opened the fridge while I wasn't looking and peed all over the lower shelf. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I agreed to give my husband head while he played Call of Duty. I was happy because he enjoyed it at first, until he started getting his ass kicked in the game. He lost and angrily blamed me for distracting him. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out that my husband’s crazy ex girlfriend has not only moved to our area, but has also landed herself on his patient list. He’s a gynecologist. FML

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By Jen1444 - United States - Rockaway Park

Ouch.

Today, I gave a financial presentation to my entire firm. After it was over, somebody accidentally copied me on a group text that said, "Her zipper was open the whole time. If we're so successful, why is our CFO wearing a urine-stained store-brand K-Mart panties?" FML

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By goodbye sweet internet - Greece - Athens

Today, after playing numerous games of poker against my friend, and him telling me that I'm the best poker player he's ever met, I went out and played for real money. I got totally destroyed, lost all of my money, and was laughed out of the building. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, and every day since I got her, I leaned down to pour food and water into my cat's bowls. And today, like every single day, I forgot that my granite countertop sticks out a bit. I think part of my head is flat now. FML

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By Erica - Australia - Sydney

Today, not only did I find out that my 13 year old daughter is pregnant, I found out that she did it on purpose ‘to prove that she’s responsible’. FML

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By johnsj8

Today, I was moving to the city with all my belongings when the trailer came unhitched, breaking the chains on my dad's homemade trailer. I then watched as the trailer narrowly missed a guardrail, went down a hill and into a river. My dad still won't admit he didn't latch the hitch. FML

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By CalebNotShomo - United States - Houston

Today, my boss sent me a text message saying, "You're fired. Merry Christmas!" FML

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By FMe - United Kingdom

Today, I got yelled at for 'letting' my muddy dog jump on my cousin's wedding dress as she was getting ready. I don't own a dog and haven't since I was a kid. FML

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By MrsRODixon - United Kingdom - Pencoed

Today, I received an urgent call from my son's nursery asking me to collect him, saying he was, "lethargic, complaining about being ill and crying". I get there and he's running around, playing and admits he just wanted to come home. They still made me take him home. FML

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By coffee - United States

Today, while getting out of Starbucks there was a homeless guy. I bought him a coffee and he was so happy he gave me a hug. Guess whose wallet is missing? FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bensenville

Today, I was eating with my grandma and her sister, who don't get along. I went to the bathroom for just 2 minutes, only to come back to find pancakes everywhere and our plates smashed on the ground. They got into a "little argument". FML

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By Starchaser

Today, I helped my children dye Easter eggs. They did great. My husband, however, is covered in dye spots and glitter from "helping." FML

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By oww - United States

Today, I learned not to jump off a stage if nobody is going to catch you. FML

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By Anonymous

Testimony night

Today, I had to sleep in the same room as my grandparents. They checked to see if I was asleep, so I pretended to be to avoid getting scolded for staying up. Turns out they were checking so that they could make love. I witnessed two 70-year-olds have sex in the bed next to me for 20 minutes. FML

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By Shuntbob - United States - Herriman

Today, my father told me that because of my 4.0 with all AP classes, I could choose where to eat tonight. My stepmother told him I wanted to eat at IKEA, of all places, because that's what she wanted. Guess who he believed, and guess where I am right now. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I sparkled because of this glitter bar my mother got me from Lush. I didn't realize until after I got out of the shower that it wasn't just ordinary soap. I tried to wipe off the glitter. It wouldn't come off. FML

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By grabber - United States

Today, I was riding up an escalator in the mall in uncomfortable high heels. While adjusting my bag I suddenly lost my balance and began flailing wildly. In desperation I hurled forward and ended up grabbing a teenage boy's buttocks and was promptly slapped by his girlfriend. FML

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By apparently-a-shed - United Kingdom - Worcester

Today, I was walking through my town when a man on a bicycle rolled up to me and said, "I don't mean this offensively but you're really well-built." I don't know whether he was commenting on my height or comparing me to a shed, but my mother won't stop laughing. FML

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By and somehow you have a master's degree

Good excuse.

Today, my faculty mentor for my senior capstone project wasn't at my presentation for the entire department faculty. I assumed his wife or kids were sick, but that piece of shit told me himself that he was at home watching the new season of Stranger Things. FML

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By space_cadet90818 - United States

Today, I woke up with one of the worst migraines I've had in months. My mother (who thinks I'm a hypochondriac) began to scream at me about "making up an illness". When I asked for my meds, she called me an addict and dumped my $300 prescription down the sink. FML

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By motherless - Australia - Sydney

Today, my mother "checked in" to rehab on Facebook. The same rehab that told her to hand over her smartphone. The dumbass was smart enough to steal my phone and dumb enough to get it confiscated. FML

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By - 22/2/2020 18:00

My dear neighbor

Today, I had a very sweet and romantic love note brutally scratched into the door of my brand new car. It was addressed to Cindy. Cindy lives next door. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I forced myself into work with severe laryngitis. Normally this wouldn't be an issue, except I work at candy and ice cream store at a major tourist destination. For seven hours I had to communicate with unsympathetic adults and screaming, bratty kids by miming and using a dry erase board. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at a family gathering, my aunt asked me when I was planning to have children. I'm only 16, I laughed and said not for a while, definitely not until I get married. My family shook their heads, and ignored me for the rest of the day. Apparently, teenage pregnancy is valued in my family. FML

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By Notpunny - United States - Silver Spring

Today, while making small talk with a veteran, I made the mistake of using the phrase "Cost an arm and a leg". He was a double amputee. FML

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By hearing too much

The sound of silence

Today, the walls in my house are so thin that I heard my roommate yell from the bathroom upstairs, "Hear my butthole roar." Now I’m scared to use the bathroom after him. FML

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By aero00 - United States

Today, I was fooling around on the trampoline with this guy, when a bounce caused us to bang our heads together, knocking me out cold. FML

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By cwhitney7 - United States - Waltham

Today, I decorated my boyfriend's house for Christmas as a surprise, just in time for him and his family to come home. Also just in time for him to tell me he's Jewish. FML

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Top comments

By Lebeaugars95 | 20

#6178829 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 0:19

Your boyfriend sounds really fun

By PhatCake | 10

#6178873 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 0:33

Did you tell him you were sober?

COMMENTS

By Lebeaugars95 | 20

#6178829 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 0:19

Your boyfriend sounds really fun

_parth | 20

#6179009 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 3:48

Or maybe Op's been drunk before and done something like that?!

blazingshot147 | 19

#6183904 - Monday 26 January 2015 4:35

I'd count it positive that he cares for her.

By helloboyzder | 13

#6178830 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 0:20

I mean, what did you want him to do? Drop absolutely everything and come over to your house?

ChristinePi | 36

#6178847 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 0:23

Maybe she was just being flirty and giving him something to look forward to when he got home.

helloboyzder | 13

#6178855 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 0:26

I see my fallacy here. God, that sounded dickish

By whinthy | 18

#6178832 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 0:20

You also need to text him back and tell him to pull his head out of his ass.

gramirez23 | 9

#6179462 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 17:08

M.O.B

By TristanCamper | 11

#6178837 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 0:21

Seems he knows you well.

By factsarelife | 7

#6178853 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 0:25

wow. Ass much?

finiclepie | 6

#6178869 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 0:31

Not with that attitude

By chrisstachon | 30

#6178859 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 0:27

lmfao

By NomeDMF | 17

#6178868 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 0:31

That ungrateful bastard. Sorry OP.

By PhatCake | 10

#6178873 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 0:33

Did you tell him you were sober?

JocelynKaulitz | 28

#6179272 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 11:42

Probably not if she may as well just use that as an excuse to have a drink.

By TheInquisitor | 3

#6178874 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 0:33

Someone (and most of the commenters) are vastly over reacting to a misunderstanding.

nakagi | 4

#6178975 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 2:54

people on fml seem to down vote things pointlessly even when things make perfect sense

TheInquisitor | 3

#6179036 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 4:24

They downvote anything that makes sense, they only want emotional reactionary comments, not clear minded comments that are fair to all parties involved in the FML post.

By PenguinBitch | 43

#6178875 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 0:33

You probably interrupted him taking "suggestive shots" of his ass and legs.

im_a_black_guy | 10

#6178952 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 2:10

At first I was like what, then I read the other fml and no I think this is by far the best comment here