Today, I texted my boyfriend a few dirty messages at lunch time...

By fun in functioning, I suppose - 20/1/2015 19:54 - United States - Starkville

Today, I texted my boyfriend a few dirty messages at lunch time and told him how badly I wanted him home. He texted back lecturing me on how I shouldn't be so drunk so early. I was totally sober, but now I need a drink. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38107

You deserved it

5652

Favorite

Intimacy

Messed up

Mystery

Trip Advisor says no

By Username - 13/2/2011 21:06 - United States

Today, I put up an ad on Craig's List to find a best friend. I don't know what's more pathetic: looking for a best friend online, or the ad being removed almost instantly. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13624

You deserved it

30991

Favorite

By Ouch - 25/4/2011 19:31 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting intimate and planning on having sex for the first time. I picked her up off the couch, and in so doing, accidentally lifted her too high, putting her head through the ceiling. She had a mild concussion. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41601

You deserved it

20580

Favorite

By alycion - 4/5/2019 12:00

Today, I took my father to a hockey game. He always has to get pictures with the girls, so while in bag check, he used his breath spray. He got me in the eye, and I was temporarily blinded through most of the first period. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1606

You deserved it

131

Favorite

By MyLegsHurt - 28/10/2015 22:18 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I felt flexible in my yoga class. I put my legs in the butterfly position and tried to press them down. Both my hips popped very painfully and I screamed in the middle of a quiet room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22628

You deserved it

3799

Favorite

By Anonymous - 11/7/2015 05:03 - United States - Denver

Today, I found a picture of myself on the "People of Walmart" site. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31572

You deserved it

17998

Favorite

By Hit-and-Run - 13/12/2012 08:01 - Mexico - Ju?rez

Today, after an extensive talk with a relationship counselor, we concluded that I'm more likely to get run over by a car than be in a stable relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25880

You deserved it

3152

Favorite

By Deaf Dumb & Blonde - 1/9/2016 21:17 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. I told my boyfriend I wanted to feel special even if for just one day. He said he would do the laundry for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14420

You deserved it

2169

Favorite

By weswithaute - 13/11/2011 06:53 - Australia

Today, my daughter asked me how to spell "Orange". "O-R-A-N-G-E" I replied. Without missing a beat, she says "No, I mean the colour, not the fruit." She is 16. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46886

You deserved it

7782

Favorite

By dukemisery - 5/11/2016 08:53 - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, while sitting down on the dentist's chair, the tooth to be removed came out on its own. I still had to pay $50 for the cotton and advice. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9729

You deserved it

749

Favorite

By icyrebel25 - 12/11/2013 23:57 - United States - Mckinney

Today, my mom showed my girlfriend a picture of me crying when I pooped in the bathtub. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44844

You deserved it

5214

Favorite

By Drunkactor - 3/8/2019 06:00 - United States

Today, my boss fired me because of my drinking problem. The reason he thinks I have a drinking problem? I was in a play he saw, in which I played a drunk person. I've been completely sober my whole life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1993

You deserved it

Favorite

By Rimmy Jobs - 21/8/2012 16:39 - United States

Today, after volleyball practice, I noticed my pants were missing. Now I have to go to work wearing spandex bottoms, all because one of my teammates is a thieving douche. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25283

You deserved it

2180

Favorite

By James - 6/9/2019 02:04

Windows 2019

Today, a group of angry women stormed my boss’s office, complaining I was harassing them and peeping through their windows. I'm a window washer, and these women never buy curtains. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1707

You deserved it

101

Favorite

By great - 25/1/2013 20:36 - Puerto Rico - San Juan

Today, my girlfriend complimented me on my ass. Before I could say thanks, she continued by commenting that she wouldn't mind "breaking it in". FML

I agree, your life sucks

39620

You deserved it

6515

Favorite

By desocrates - 20/6/2009 22:54 - United States

Today, at about 1 a.m. I got a drunk text from my girlfriend thanking me for the amazing sex last night. I have been out of town for 3 days. FML

I agree, your life sucks

70443

You deserved it

4043

Favorite

By Anonymous - 7/9/2011 04:30 - United States

Today, I found out my 97-year-old Grandma has an imaginary 30-year-old boyfriend. I laughed until my mom said, "She's still doing better than you. You don't even have an imaginary boyfriend, let alone a real one." FML

I agree, your life sucks

32066

You deserved it

9994

Favorite

By RIP - 8/11/2019 08:00 - United States - Lambertville

Troublemaker

Today at 10:00 pm, someone rang my doorbell 4 times, while I was sleeping. I thought it was an emergency and I opened the door to my neighbor who just want to ask if I had a blackout at noon. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1727

You deserved it

132

Favorite

By lockedoutbabysitter - 9/3/2010 17:19 - United States

Today, I was babysitting. Being kind, I went to grab their mail, while their 4 year old ate lunch. He locked me out, wrecked the house, and let me in right when he saw their car two hours later. I didn't get paid. I paid them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30876

You deserved it

9535

Favorite

By anon - 16/12/2019 03:00 - United States - Hinesville

Unconditional support

Today, my girlfriend told me she'd support my decision to stay in, or get out of the military, so I renewed my contract...... She broke up with me for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2108

You deserved it

275

Favorite

By Anonymous - 8/6/2009 17:47 - United States

Today, I had just gotten a milkshake with some friends. We were about to drive past my ex's house, so I though it would be funny to throw the milkshake in his yard. Turns out, if you're going 50mph and try to throw a shake out the window, it comes right back at you. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7913

You deserved it

103496

Favorite

By Landlocked - 6/5/2019 02:00

Today, my dad thought it would be a good idea to show my 5-year-old son a documentary about Hurricane Katrina. My son is now terrified of hurricanes. We live in Utah. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1637

You deserved it

173

Favorite

By Traveler - 9/10/2015 02:06

Today, I learned that your crotch can just light up on the body scanner in the airport for no apparent reason; and when that happens, a thorough pat down of that area will be performed by a confused security officer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24961

You deserved it

1613

Favorite

By Anonymous - 15/9/2018 06:00

W.T.F.

Today, while getting dressed, I discovered that when my brother and his friends got drunk last night one of them wanked into a pair of my panties and put them back in my wardrobe. The crusty mess pressed right into my groin. I had to clean dry spunk out of my pubic hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5856

You deserved it

564

Favorite

By Anonymous - 9/10/2012 16:03 - Canada - Montreal

Today, at work, my buddy pulled up in his car. I handed him $40, and he handed me a bag. It must have looked like a drug deal, but he was actually just smuggling in the new Pokémon game for me. I'm 22, and a drug deal would probably have been less embarrassing to explain. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22684

You deserved it

7879

Favorite

By livingamongtheflowers - 15/5/2014 05:40 - United States

Today, I received yet another rejection letter from a college I'd applied to. After crying for a week about how lousy I felt, my older sister gave me all 6 of the acceptance letters she'd been hiding. Turns out she's been forging rejection letters and keeping the real ones in her room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

73813

You deserved it

5448

Favorite

By Anonymous - 28/1/2016 20:24 - United States - Honolulu

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. I was there with the lights out when something ran across my foot. I freaked out, tried to kick it off, and ended up smashing my foot into the side of the tub. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20320

You deserved it

3146

Favorite

By thankshun13 - 7/9/2012 02:45 - United Kingdom

Today, my fiancé told me that the thought of having sex with a pregnant woman repulsed him. I'm pregnant. He's glad he got that off his chest FML

I agree, your life sucks

30466

You deserved it

4190

Favorite

By Anonymous - 9/11/2011 12:55 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. My mum walked in and told him to pull out and show her that he was wearing a condom, and not just saying he was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

63177

You deserved it

9253

Favorite

By Wanderlei Santos - 9/7/2020 14:03

Deep ink

Today, I'm going to get my first tattoo. Too bad it's inside my colon so the surgeon can mark the section to remove. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1479

You deserved it

Favorite

By Noname - 15/10/2009 22:14 - United States

Today, my younger sister's dog broke its leg. The vets are closed today so instead of going on a date with a girl I have been trying to get for at least 2 years, I need to carry an 80 lb. dog that hates me, up and down the stairs. I already got bit twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32434

You deserved it

3463

Favorite

By JJ - 3/10/2015 07:42 - United States - Irwin

Today, I was savagely beating my wife on Call of Duty, since she demanded that I play normally and not hold back. 15 minutes later, she was raging at me, calling me a bastard and saying she wished we'd never married. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25415

You deserved it

4430

Favorite

By Anonymous - 9/5/2013 16:01 - United States

Today, my ex-wife, whom I divorced just 8 months ago, asked me to attend her wedding, because "it would mean a lot" to her. She's marrying the man she cheated on me with. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54096

You deserved it

3293

Favorite

By afather - 14/6/2015 13:41 - United States - Worthing

Today, I had to take my son to the hospital for drinking sunscreen. Apparently, he saw something on the internet that said if he drank it, his body would sweat it out and continually apply it to his body. He's 16. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39238

You deserved it

6491

Favorite

By Goodie - 9/9/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, I found out my ex bought a digital camera, an iPod, and a large flat-screen TV, all purchased with the alimony I'm paying him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34653

You deserved it

7728

Favorite

By embarrassedinretail - 20/1/2010 10:01 - Australia

Today, whilst at work, my dad decided to call me and sing an entire rendition of 'The Gambler' by Kenny Rogers. There was a big line of people, and my boss had been standing nearby checking out my phone. I had to stand there and listen to the whole song. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21781

You deserved it

4860

Favorite

By Anonymous - 21/1/2012 10:45 - Russian Federation

Today, I got home from my 6-week vacation. Apparently, my mum cleaned my room for me while I was gone because my vibrator was neatly tucked into my blanket, next to my pillow instead of being hidden under my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31293

You deserved it

9237

Favorite

By void bowels() { cry(); } - 26/11/2014 20:45 - United Kingdom - Caerphilly

Today, I came home late from work. As I got out of my car, I noticed a child-shaped silhouette in my bedroom window. I almost shat myself, since I live alone. I searched the whole house, sobbing in fear, only to find no trace of whatever or whoever I'd seen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42844

You deserved it

3665

Favorite

By Till We Pass Out - 3/10/2015 15:30 - United Kingdom - Halifax

Today, I was pushing so hard to take a number two that I ended up passing out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22568

You deserved it

5257

Favorite

By UUUGHHH - 5/2/2016 20:33 - France - Villejuif

Today, I watched in horror from the other room as my boyfriend picked the biggest, slimiest booger I've ever seen, then lowered it into his mouth and licked his finger clean. I very nearly threw up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22040

You deserved it

2688

Favorite

By Anonymous - 30/9/2010 02:57 - United States

Today, I started a new job. I lost my work keys and had everyone running all over the building looking for them. We found them, hanging in the last lock I had used. They now all think I'm a nut. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8539

You deserved it

26117

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Lebeaugars95 | 20

#6178829 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 0:19

Your boyfriend sounds really fun

By PhatCake | 10

#6178873 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 0:33

Did you tell him you were sober?

COMMENTS

By Lebeaugars95 | 20

#6178829 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 0:19

Your boyfriend sounds really fun

_parth | 20

#6179009 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 3:48

Or maybe Op's been drunk before and done something like that?!

blazingshot147 | 19

#6183904 - Monday 26 January 2015 4:35

I'd count it positive that he cares for her.

By helloboyzder | 13

#6178830 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 0:20

I mean, what did you want him to do? Drop absolutely everything and come over to your house?

ChristinePi | 36

#6178847 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 0:23

Maybe she was just being flirty and giving him something to look forward to when he got home.

helloboyzder | 13

#6178855 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 0:26

I see my fallacy here. God, that sounded dickish

By whinthy | 18

#6178832 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 0:20

You also need to text him back and tell him to pull his head out of his ass.

gramirez23 | 9

#6179462 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 17:08

M.O.B

By TristanCamper | 11

#6178837 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 0:21

Seems he knows you well.

By factsarelife | 7

#6178853 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 0:25

wow. Ass much?

finiclepie | 6

#6178869 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 0:31

Not with that attitude

By chrisstachon | 30

#6178859 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 0:27

lmfao

By NomeDMF | 17

#6178868 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 0:31

That ungrateful bastard. Sorry OP.

By PhatCake | 10

#6178873 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 0:33

Did you tell him you were sober?

JocelynKaulitz | 28

#6179272 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 11:42

Probably not if she may as well just use that as an excuse to have a drink.

By TheInquisitor | 3

#6178874 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 0:33

Someone (and most of the commenters) are vastly over reacting to a misunderstanding.

nakagi | 4

#6178975 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 2:54

people on fml seem to down vote things pointlessly even when things make perfect sense

TheInquisitor | 3

#6179036 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 4:24

They downvote anything that makes sense, they only want emotional reactionary comments, not clear minded comments that are fair to all parties involved in the FML post.

By PenguinBitch | 43

#6178875 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 0:33

You probably interrupted him taking "suggestive shots" of his ass and legs.

im_a_black_guy | 10

#6178952 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 2:10

At first I was like what, then I read the other fml and no I think this is by far the best comment here