Today, I texted my boyfriend a few dirty messages at lunch time...

By fun in functioning, I suppose - 20/1/2015 19:54 - United States - Starkville

Today, I texted my boyfriend a few dirty messages at lunch time and told him how badly I wanted him home. He texted back lecturing me on how I shouldn't be so drunk so early. I was totally sober, but now I need a drink. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38086

You deserved it

5647

Favorite

Intimacy

Work name

All in the family

You snooze, you lose

By last night king - 28/5/2019 18:09

Today, I went to work completely hung over. I was at my desk for 5 minutes before security threw me out on my ass. Apparently, I’m hung over because I got fired yesterday and got blackout drunk, completely forgetting that I had been fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks

898

You deserved it

2734

Favorite

By nick92 - 15/10/2010 16:40 - United States

Today, I discovered my boyfriend's family approves of me, not because I'm friendly and intelligent, but because I'm an adequate addition to their gene pool. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26419

You deserved it

4356

Favorite

By Stoopid - 7/7/2009 17:25 - United States

Today, I came home to find a BMW partially blocking my driveway. I was already having a bad day, and was upset that some stuck up fool blocked my driveway, so I keyed the driver's side. 5 minutes later my parents show up. The BMW was a graduation gift for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27087

You deserved it

244501

Favorite

By matou - 9/7/2015 20:41 - France - Caluire

Today, I was late for work, so I grabbed my handbag, my sports bag and ran out. The bus arrived at the stop just as I did, so I hopped on and sat down, trying to catch my breath. I dumped my bags onto my knees and looked down to see my cat, staring back at me from inside my sports bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32223

You deserved it

3606

Favorite

By Sam - 24/6/2011 04:46 - Canada

Today, I was working the drive-thru at McDonalds, and as I handed out a Diet coke to the customer, the man started growling and yelled "HULK SMASH!" He smashed the cup with two fists and drove off. I was drenched in soda. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40800

You deserved it

4873

Favorite

By Anonymous - 12/9/2015 20:50 - United Kingdom - Brentwood

Today, my boyfriend convinced me to face my fear of horror movies by promising to hold my hand through the entire flick. He fell asleep 10 minutes into it, farting and snoring in his sleep, whilst I was paralysed by fear. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23867

You deserved it

3620

Favorite

By heaventlyassbutt - 30/11/2016 12:45 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, it's been two years since I graduated with my master's. It's also been the same amount of time since I've been looking for a job. I got an e-mail yesterday from a company for a telephone interview which I was happy about. The day of the interview, my phone is disconnected. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10878

You deserved it

979

Favorite

By TJ - 6/4/2012 11:10 - United Kingdom - Redhill

Today, my girlfriend and I were in bed. She slipped her hand under the duvet, and I got all excited thinking she was going to give me a hand job. She was actually pulling out her wedgie. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26067

You deserved it

10332

Favorite

By Franklin - 29/12/2017 20:00 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I walked into a room where my naked "best friend" had set up a romantic scene and attempted to kiss me. It turns out he believed we were in a relationship for the last year and told our entire school. I am 100% straight. This explains why I haven't been able to get laid in months. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8002

You deserved it

917

Favorite

By Angrily Paranoid - 6/10/2013 05:29 - United States - Seattle

Today, my paranoia got so bad that I had to physically restrain myself from aggressively confronting the kid walking behind me on the sidewalk. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38760

You deserved it

6176

Favorite

By Kat - 24/12/2015 21:51 - Australia

Today, I made a typo in a line of code, bringing the company website down. Our admin was already pissed about having to work over Christmas, and he started yelling at me and ended up punching my supervisor when he got between us. Pretty sure my screw up indirectly got the poor guy fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22221

You deserved it

3252

Favorite

By Lily - 23/3/2009 01:10 - United States

Today, my boyfriend dumped me because he said he needed to be with someone smart so that he could impress his parents. I just got accepted into medical school. When I pointed that out to him, he added that he needed to be with someone attractive. FML

I agree, your life sucks

84395

You deserved it

4643

Favorite

By Toloveornottolove - 12/6/2016 16:08 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend proposed. I was about to call my parents and tell them we're getting married, but they called me first to announce they're getting a divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15031

You deserved it

1060

Favorite

By Mike - 16/10/2012 08:07 - United States

Today, I got a call from my son's school saying to pick him up because he'd shat his pants. He's in high school. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30230

You deserved it

2965

Favorite

By grrrrrr - 19/2/2010 06:18 - United States

Today, I grounded my daughter for putting play doh in the toaster. She's 17 and got into Columbia early admissions. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31508

You deserved it

5027

Favorite

By ohseven6421 - 3/9/2010 04:13 - United States

Today, I decided to drive my mothers Bentley. She is out of town and told me not to go near the car. Being 17, I didn't listen. As I was backing out the driveway, I was hit by an SUV, seriously damaging my moms car. Who was driving the SUV? My mom, coming home early. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12069

You deserved it

78728

Favorite

By SadFace - 7/3/2010 18:54 - United States

Today, my looks alone made a girl cry. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34157

You deserved it

4901

Favorite

By Stupendous_ - 3/12/2012 07:17 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, while visiting my widowed great aunt, she took out her wedding rings and talked about the love she and my uncle had. Smiling, I told her that one day I hope to have as happy a marriage as theirs. Her response? "Knowing you, I wouldn't count on it." My mother sat there agreeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24323

You deserved it

2520

Favorite

By thegoldenboy3 - 12/2/2009 12:14 - Spain

Today, I'm in Spain, and told the kids with whom I will be working that I was excited to be working with them. Only the form of excitement I used apparently refers to sexual excitement. Basically, I told the kids I was sexually aroused to be working with them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49075

You deserved it

14265

Favorite

By Donutsarelife - 19/11/2014 15:09 - United States

Today, I spent 20 minutes arguing with the class dipshit, trying to convince her that wifi hot-spots are not in fact saunas powered by wifi. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32963

You deserved it

3933

Favorite

By Anonymous - 20/9/2009 05:01 - United States

Today, I was in a department store with my three year old daughter to buy some new jeans. I took her into the dressing room with me and as I began to take off my pants she yells, "Mommy, you can't go peepee in here!!" I am no longer welcome in that particular store. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42151

You deserved it

3804

Favorite

By imcold - 30/12/2013 07:32 - United States

Today, a stranger was kind enough to plow my driveway during a blizzard. However, they were not kind enough to leave their number after plowing the front end of my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31733

You deserved it

2733

Favorite

By - 14/5/2019 14:00

Today, I spent 4 hours making a cheesecake for my brother's girlfriend, which she begged me for a week to make. After my oven breaking and having to buy a new hand mixer, she tells me she's not going to eat it because this morning she decided to try being a vegan because, "it sounds interesting." FML

I agree, your life sucks

2106

You deserved it

164

Favorite

By GiveADogABone - 15/10/2015 22:47 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were trying to get it on on the bed. As soon as things were starting to get heated, I turned over and saw that my dog had not only jumped up on the bed, but had been watching and started to hump the pillow next to our heads. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27832

You deserved it

3457

Favorite

By Sleepy - 31/5/2015 15:51 - United States - Apo

Today, the phone kept ringing so I picked it up and answered. When there was no response, it took a minute to realize that I was still in bed and talking to my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27376

You deserved it

4986

Favorite

By samadams42 - 13/5/2011 19:18 - United States

Today, my mom said she wanted me to get laser eye surgery before she did, "Just in case it isn't safe." FML

I agree, your life sucks

39030

You deserved it

3046

Favorite

By I hate retail - 17/10/2016 22:12 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I got yelled at by a customer for refusing to give a found credit card to a woman it didn't belong to. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10933

You deserved it

748

Favorite

By Anonymous - 9/4/2009 18:48 - United States

Today, I got a missed call from my dad, who hasn't talked to me in months and has vowed not to have anything to do with me. I called him back excitedly and apologized for missing his call, and we had a 20-second conversation about how his phone accidentally dialed my number. FML

I agree, your life sucks

66970

You deserved it

3501

Favorite

By snappyPi - 28/1/2011 06:21

Today, I wrote a poem and was very proud of it. I showed it to my mom. After reading it, her response was, "What is this shit?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

29997

You deserved it

5665

Favorite

By Bottom feeder - 8/1/2016 03:41 - Hong Kong - Ngau Tau Kok

Today, my boss dropped a highly important and dense report on my desk that had to be finished by the end of the day. After the initial panic attack and hours of scrupulous work, I finished. She then asked me to pick up the revised copy, where my name was replaced with hers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23509

You deserved it

1408

Favorite

By adam - 5/12/2015 14:54 - Czech Republic

Today, my dad is having his midlife crisis and bought a mercedes along with a girlfriend less than half his age. I was trying to be supportive until I found out he is funding his midlife crisis with my university loan. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26112

You deserved it

1537

Favorite

By Anonymous - 9/8/2009 00:02 - United States

Today, my mom went snooping through my art bin to "clean out my old drawings". She found numerous nude pieces and accused me of selling porn. My mom mistook and threw out 57 anatomy practice sketches that I worked very very hard on, and ripped up the remainder of my drawings. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56867

You deserved it

3515

Favorite

By ClairvoyantVamp - 6/7/2016 23:09 - United States - Raleigh

Today, I found out my aunt posted a picture of my butt in a bikini bottom on Facebook. I didn't even know she had taken that picture. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11691

You deserved it

1002

Favorite

By sick and awkward - 20/5/2012 06:11 - United States - Silver Spring

Today, I was really sick. I had been sneezing all day and my skin had started to dry out. When my mom asked me if I needed anything, I immediately responded with "lotion and tissues," not realizing what I was suggesting. She then talked to me for 20 minutes about how "masturbation is okay." FML

I agree, your life sucks

32129

You deserved it

3546

Favorite

By Anonymous - 26/11/2014 12:09 - South Africa - Pinetown

Today, my little brother learned about mortality when our dog died. Since then, he's gone a little nuts and keeps ranting that he sees no point as to why our other dog should live. He's 16. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33069

You deserved it

2625

Favorite

By sexxibxmami - 19/2/2010 18:24 - United States

Today, my mom came over to visit and permed my hair. Ten minutes after she started, I told her it was burning. She told me to suck it up because it doesn't hurt that badly. I now have scabs all over my scalp, hairline, and nape. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26954

You deserved it

3693

Favorite

By Anonymous - 24/11/2013 23:19 - Canada - Surrey

Today, while riding the subway, I fell asleep. I awoke to find that someone had stolen my glasses. From off my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41090

You deserved it

7761

Favorite

By Anonymous - 1/2/2017 10:00 - United States

Today, after closing down the gas station I work at, I went to unlock the door to the building. Turned out the lock broke and I was locked inside until my boss could get there to let me out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6833

You deserved it

475

Favorite

By bubbalicious - 13/8/2009 20:57 - Canada

Today, I was on the phone bragging to a friend about losing my virginity last night. When I went downstairs, my 6 year old sister was digging through my purse. She explained that she had overheard my conversation and wanted to help me find my virginity. My mom was in the kitchen with us. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39615

You deserved it

86783

Favorite

By Anonymous - 4/7/2015 08:55 - United States - Hood River

Today, one of my friends asked me to flirt with her boyfriend to see if he would flirt back. Knowing this was a trust test, I agreed. She got pissed at me when he flirted back and still isn't speaking to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28858

You deserved it

5184

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Lebeaugars95 | 20

#6178829 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 0:19

Your boyfriend sounds really fun

By PhatCake | 10

#6178873 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 0:33

Did you tell him you were sober?

Comments

By Lebeaugars95 | 20

#6178829 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 0:19

Your boyfriend sounds really fun

_parth | 20

#6179009 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 3:48

Or maybe Op's been drunk before and done something like that?!

blazingshot147 | 19

#6183904 - Monday 26 January 2015 4:35

I'd count it positive that he cares for her.

By helloboyzder | 13

#6178830 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 0:20

I mean, what did you want him to do? Drop absolutely everything and come over to your house?

ChristinePi | 36

#6178847 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 0:23

Maybe she was just being flirty and giving him something to look forward to when he got home.

helloboyzder | 13

#6178855 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 0:26

I see my fallacy here. God, that sounded dickish

By whinthy | 18

#6178832 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 0:20

You also need to text him back and tell him to pull his head out of his ass.

gramirez23 | 9

#6179462 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 17:08

M.O.B

By TristanCamper | 11

#6178837 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 0:21

Seems he knows you well.

By factsarelife | 7

#6178853 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 0:25

wow. Ass much?

finiclepie | 6

#6178869 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 0:31

Not with that attitude

By chrisstachon | 30

#6178859 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 0:27

lmfao

By NomeDMF | 17

#6178868 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 0:31

That ungrateful bastard. Sorry OP.

By PhatCake | 10

#6178873 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 0:33

Did you tell him you were sober?

JocelynKaulitz | 28

#6179272 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 11:42

Probably not if she may as well just use that as an excuse to have a drink.

By TheInquisitor | 3

#6178874 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 0:33

Someone (and most of the commenters) are vastly over reacting to a misunderstanding.

nakagi | 4

#6178975 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 2:54

people on fml seem to down vote things pointlessly even when things make perfect sense

TheInquisitor | 3

#6179036 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 4:24

They downvote anything that makes sense, they only want emotional reactionary comments, not clear minded comments that are fair to all parties involved in the FML post.

By PenguinBitch | 43

#6178875 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 0:33

You probably interrupted him taking "suggestive shots" of his ass and legs.

im_a_black_guy | 10

#6178952 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 2:10

At first I was like what, then I read the other fml and no I think this is by far the best comment here