Intimacy: Today, I texted my boyfriend a few dirty messages at lunch time...

By fun in functioning, I suppose - United States - Starkville

Today, I texted my boyfriend a few dirty messages at lunch time and told him how badly I wanted him home. He texted back lecturing me on how I shouldn't be so drunk so early. I was totally sober, but now I need a drink. FML

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Intimacy

Mother of the year

Bad guy (duh)

Intense

By Anonymous

Today, I had guests over for a Christmas party. One of them wore new blue jeans and managed to get large dye stains on three different walls. They won't come off. Guess who has to paint his living room again. FML

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By kennyjhynes - United States

Today, I drove 12 hours with 6 screaming little girls. They were arguing about things that should've been in the Lego movie. They watched it 4 times. FML

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By laundryduty

Today, I was doing laundry at work. I work at a spay/neuter clinic and was about to throw in a load of towels when I noticed something in the washer. It looked like one of the detergent packets we use. It was a testicle. FML

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By uuuuugh - United States

Today, I actually had to have a discussion with my boyfriend about why he should shower more than once a week. FML

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By Imnotfromhere - 12/2/2021 02:01

Dyslexics untie!

Today, after finding out from my psychologist that I have a disability in reading comprehension, I tried to Google how to improve my reading skills. I couldn't understand what any of the articles were saying. FML

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By Hide -n- Seek - United States - Grand Prairie

Hide and Seek

Today, someone left a note on the front door saying "Let's play Hide and Seek". Who ever left the note apparently took my tires off my truck and scattered them. So far, I found one in my pool, and 2 outside my neighborhood. I still can't find the last one. FML

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By Ineedit - United States

Not now!

Today, my husband and I were going to have sex for the first time since having our baby, who was taking a nap. As soon as we lay down in bed, his mother rang saying she was five minutes away. FML

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By INside - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided it'd be funny to create a "place" on Facebook for my vagina. Now he "checks-in" every time we have sex. FML

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By Wet Britches - United States - Portland

Today, on my rush to get home from work to use the bathroom, I hit a deer. It startled me so badly that I wet myself. FML

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By Alex - United States - Honolulu

Today, I was at my mom's funeral. My sisters and I were sitting in the front row. The funeral director, whom we had met with twice before, was going around greeting everyone. When she got to us, she asked where our mom was. Seriously? FML

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By shallowvomit1013 - United States

Today, my girlfriend came over to my house. Hoping to get a little action, i started to make out with her. Unfortunately I was wearing basketball shorts so when I got an erection all she did was bat it back forth like a cat toy. FML

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By EmbarrassedGirlfriend101 - United States

Today, while at my boyfriend's house, my stomach began to hurt really badly, so I excused myself to take a shit. I let it all out. Later on, his dad went to the bathroom and yelled, "Goddamn son, what the hell did you do in here?!" FML

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By justmyluck5150 - United States

Today, I told the doctor that one of my ribs sticks out farther than the other. When I lifted my shirt to show him, he immediately laughed and said, "Whoa, that's not subtle is it!" As if I wasn't already insecure about it. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, while on a six hour flight, someone offered to pay me $20 to swap seats with them. It seemed like a great deal, so I immediately accepted and moved to my new seat. I didn't realize my new neighbor was an old man with a raging boner. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chicago

Today, I whacked off with a condom on and left it in the living room waste basket so it looked like I finally had sex with someone. FML

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By MirandaJones - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was helping out during the school play's interval. My head of year jokingly asked me to follow him around with these mini cocktail sausages for the rest of the school year. I thought it would be witty to reply, "Does that make me your official sausage holder?" FML

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By Maxime - France - Paris

Today, I called a company for a problem with our septic tank. Two workers show up, I take them into the garden to show them the manhole cover at the top of it. They open it up. We then gaze upon a sea of condoms floating on the surface. My wife and I don't use condoms. FML

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By bumpyroad - Australia

Today, my husband and I were diagnosed with herpes. We've been together for five years and were both virgins before. Even the doctor couldn't give any other explanation. FML

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By hesitator - Slovenia - Ljubljana

Sex vs. housework

Today, I got excited over a canceled booty call, just so I wouldn't have to clean the apartment. FML

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By motherlover - United States - Hoffman Estates

Today, my boyfriend laid his head on my bare chest and said, "You're like my mother." FML

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By perpetuallyscrewed

Today, after nearly eight months of unemployment, I started a great new job. After seven and a half hours of work, my new boss comes up to tell me what a great job I was doing, but that he somehow forgot to clear the new hire with the company owner, so I'm fired. Hello, unemployment... again. FML

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By dumb dumb - 14/8/2020 14:00

Not the sharpest crayon in the box

Today, my idiot daughter used my wax warmer to try to give herself a bikini wax using old crayons. Not sure which YouTube idiot she learned it from, but the stench of melted crayon, burnt hair, and singed flesh isn’t a smell I’ll soon be forgetting. FML

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By AnonWife - United Kingdom - Scunthorpe

Today, my husband and I are sick. He keeps whining about how bad he feels. I'm just as sick, as well as 7 months pregnant. I've not only been taking care of his whiny ass: I've cooked, cleaned, and gone to the store several times because the tissues we had were too rough on his nose. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a guy asked for my number. He used the rather annoying "You know, this iPhone has everything... but you know the only thing that's missing is your number." I might have given it to him, if he did have the iPhone, not the makeshift box of Mini Wheat Thins he had in his hand. FML

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By Falcka - 12/4/2021 04:59

The client is always right

Today, I was waitressing at the diner and a guy ordered two eggs, one scrambled and one poached. He hurled his plate at me angrily because they "scrambled the egg he wanted poached and poached the egg he wanted scrambled." He stormed out without paying. FML

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By llaurenmariee - United States

Today, I was pooping at a local Target when I heard someone say "You need to eat more solids, you're pooping like a rabbit." FML

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By GillyPirate - United States

Today, I received a call offering me a job with the census bureau. I applied for this job 6 months ago while I was still fighting tooth and nail to stay where I was. Since I didn't get the job, I was evicted from my apartment, got on public assistance, and moved from North Carolina to Florida with my mother. FML

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By lonely - United States - Twin Falls

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. Whilst browsing the web, I clicked on an ad that said "How to Get Your Ex Back in a Day". Now I am single and have a computer virus. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I nervously introduced my mother to my new boyfriend. I had to sit and watch her flirt with him for an hour. When I took her in the other room and confronted her about it, she said, "Don't you dare ruin this for me!" FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2020 20:02

Welcome back!

Today, it's the last day of my three-week vacation, during which I couldn't go anywhere due to COVID and lockdown. I just learned that some of my colleagues are infected and I will have to fill in for two department superintendents at the same time when I go back to work tomorrow. FML

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By _RobotInDisguise - United Kingdom

Today, I received a 4 page letter in the post from a woman telling me she was Alan's wife. She spoke about their wedding in 2004, their two beautiful kids who love their daddy very much (she included pictures), and how much she loves him. Alan is my husband of 7 years. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/12/2020 02:02

Overreaction much?

Today, I accidentally washed the jacket my mother bought me in the washing machine. I didn't know it was supposed to be dry cleaned. My mother ended up crying and screaming that I don't love her, and this would be the last time she ever buys me anything. FML

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By WhyTheEff - United States

Today, I woke up to find my house TP'd. I also noticed our entire house was devoid of toilet paper. Someone had broken in just to steal our toilet paper and TP our own house with it. FML

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By Fennec - France - Paris

Today, my coworkers and I were comparing the backgrounds we have on our phones. They pretty much sum up our love lives; everyone else's background is a photo of their boyfriend or girlfriend. Mine's a photo of a lifeless desert. FML

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By Dante178 - United States

Today, I went to court to file a small claim and found myself at the end of a huge line. The moment I got to the front of the line, the fire alarm went off and we all had to leave the building. The moment I got outside, the alarm stopped and everybody rushed back in. I'm at the back of the line. FML

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By shartface12 - United States - San Jose

Today, after a big house party the night before, I woke up with a dry mouth and a pounding hangover. I took a swig from a cup I'd left on my bedside table the night before, thinking it was water. Nope; it was vodka. FML

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By blondie875 - United States

Y'all need fiber.

Today, I had just gotten out of the shower when I thought I had to fart, so I ripped it. instead, I shat all over myself and my floor. I'm 30. FML

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By alex - United States - Seagrove

Finger on the pulse

Today, I started a new job as a receptionist at a nursing home. When two men came in saying, "We're here for Mr. Christensen," I paged him to come to the front desk. Apparently, these men had come from the funeral home to pick up Mr. Christensen's body. I was completely unaware that anyone had died. FML

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By leonuniz - Canada - Calgary

Today, my grandma told me point-blank that she despises gays, but that she'll go to my wedding for the booze and nothing more. FML

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By failure461 - United States

Today, I ruined my computer screen trying to kill a fly. FML

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Top comments

By Lebeaugars95 | 20

#6178829 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 0:19

Your boyfriend sounds really fun

By PhatCake | 10

#6178873 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 0:33

Did you tell him you were sober?

COMMENTS

By Lebeaugars95 | 20

#6178829 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 0:19

Your boyfriend sounds really fun

_parth | 20

#6179009 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 3:48

Or maybe Op's been drunk before and done something like that?!

blazingshot147 | 19

#6183904 - Monday 26 January 2015 4:35

I'd count it positive that he cares for her.

By helloboyzder | 13

#6178830 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 0:20

I mean, what did you want him to do? Drop absolutely everything and come over to your house?

ChristinePi | 36

#6178847 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 0:23

Maybe she was just being flirty and giving him something to look forward to when he got home.

helloboyzder | 13

#6178855 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 0:26

I see my fallacy here. God, that sounded dickish

By whinthy | 18

#6178832 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 0:20

You also need to text him back and tell him to pull his head out of his ass.

gramirez23 | 9

#6179462 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 17:08

M.O.B

By TristanCamper | 11

#6178837 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 0:21

Seems he knows you well.

By factsarelife | 7

#6178853 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 0:25

wow. Ass much?

finiclepie | 6

#6178869 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 0:31

Not with that attitude

By chrisstachon | 30

#6178859 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 0:27

lmfao

By NomeDMF | 17

#6178868 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 0:31

That ungrateful bastard. Sorry OP.

By PhatCake | 10

#6178873 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 0:33

Did you tell him you were sober?

JocelynKaulitz | 28

#6179272 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 11:42

Probably not if she may as well just use that as an excuse to have a drink.

By TheInquisitor | 3

#6178874 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 0:33

Someone (and most of the commenters) are vastly over reacting to a misunderstanding.

nakagi | 4

#6178975 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 2:54

people on fml seem to down vote things pointlessly even when things make perfect sense

TheInquisitor | 3

#6179036 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 4:24

They downvote anything that makes sense, they only want emotional reactionary comments, not clear minded comments that are fair to all parties involved in the FML post.

By PenguinBitch | 43

#6178875 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 0:33

You probably interrupted him taking "suggestive shots" of his ass and legs.

im_a_black_guy | 10

#6178952 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 2:10

At first I was like what, then I read the other fml and no I think this is by far the best comment here