Love: Today, I got a call from the girl I like. I got very excited...

By Anonymous - 04/12/2013 08:50 - United States

Today, I got a call from the girl I like. I got very excited so I quickly picked up. As it turns out, she was actually prank calling me, pretending to be a "liposuction telemarketer" but forgot to press *67. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 794

You deserved it 3 309

Love

Too much meat on my hands

Thanks guys

Weirdo geek freaks out

By PlayTag - 05/02/2009 00:58 - United States

Today, my girlfriend gave me a blow-up doll and told me to practice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 727

You deserved it 18 661

By Anonymous - 19/04/2014 01:19 - Norway - Mo I Rana

Today, I accidentally let a huge one rip while tending to an older patient at the nursing home where I work. The patient passed away shortly thereafter. Coincidence? FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 518

You deserved it 7 430

By Anonymous - 06/11/2014 17:14 - Canada - Waterloo

Today, my boyfriend kept jiggling my fat rolls while we were cuddling. I was annoyed, and I told him he could at least go for my boobs instead. He instantly replied, "But these are bigger..." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 989

You deserved it 9 035

By Anonymous - 15/11/2010 05:08

Today, I thought my house was being broken into in the dead of night. Frightened, I dismounted a floor lamp as a make-shift weapon and crept through the house, channelling my inner Ellen Ripley. It turned out to be the wireless printer with a paper jam. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 724

You deserved it 6 735

Bashing

By ZiggyTink - 09/07/2015 03:24 - United States - North Branch

Today, my boyfriend's brother and his fiancée decided to preach to me about how I need to read the Bible because I'm agnostic. I'd be fine, if it wasn't coming from two 19-year-olds who dated for 5 months, got pregnant, got engaged, lost the baby, and still wanna get married, "so they don't look bad." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 570

You deserved it 2 375

By Anonymous - 09/07/2012 01:29 - United States

Today, I had a violent sneezing attack while changing my phone's password and now I have no idea what it could be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 805

You deserved it 5 024

Smooth moves

By ouch - 25/03/2010 08:00 - United States

Today, while having sex, I tried to kick the blanket over my feet and kneed myself in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 879

You deserved it 26 212

By Anonymous - 10/02/2014 15:40 - United States

Today, I accidentally asked the cashier at Wendy's how much their 99 cent chicken nuggets were. I guess he is still laughing at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 954

You deserved it 21 057

BO Central

By jess - 16/12/2020 06:02 - United States - Denver

Today, I was loudly asked if I'd rubbed poop all over myself this morning. I shower three times a day, brush my teeth for 10 minutes twice a day, and wear copious amounts of antiperspirant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 583

You deserved it 1 643

By Anonymous - 29/04/2009 00:05 - Canada

Today, I was walking into my living room when I slipped over the carpet, bashed my head on my glass table, and was moaning in pain on the floor. My parents came running when they heard my head bang... straight to the table to see if there were any scratches on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 015

You deserved it 3 214

By Anonymous - 12/08/2009 02:05 - United States

Today, my boyfriend sent me a text saying to call him. When I did, it went straight to voicemail. It was a recording of him breaking up with me. He broke up with me over the phone, without even talking to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 709

You deserved it 3 268

Hungry boi

By jesstracy - 04/10/2017 09:00 - United States - Naperville

Today, I took my dog to the emergency vet at 4 in the morning because he ate something he shouldn't have. I spent hundreds of dollars on tests, all to find out he'll pass it. What did he eat? My silicon strap-on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 809

You deserved it 1 139

By Boss Troubles - 17/03/2015 06:12 - United States - Anaheim

Today, my boss insisted I go in front of him up the stairs. Out of respect, I insisted he go first. After a few seconds of back and forth insisting, he went. The reason he wanted me to go first was because he had to fart. I inhaled the raunchy gas for over three flights of stairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 775

You deserved it 12 334

By Juliet - 12/04/2013 00:40 - United States - Inglewood

Today, my Romeo and Juliet style relationship hit an all time low when my boyfriend's parents filed a lawsuit against my parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 364

You deserved it 6 514

By jobless - 16/05/2012 07:36 - United States - Groton

Today, I found out that I am allergic to grass, and not supposed to mow lawns. My job is mowing lawns. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 989

You deserved it 2 388

By astocks - 24/09/2011 05:20 - United States

Today, I found a picture of my military husband kissing another woman. His excuse? It was photoshopped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 961

You deserved it 3 216

By Anonymous - 09/12/2013 05:57 - United States - Spokane

Today, I discovered that my stepbrother has been telling his friends that I'm his girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 452

You deserved it 3 358

By Anonymous - 06/09/2010 00:29 - United States

Today, my doctor told me I had "abnormally large breasts." This wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't a 20 year old man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 434

You deserved it 7 715

By lovethyneighbour - 04/08/2014 00:19 - Australia - Berowra

Today, my neighbour casually mentioned that he sold my car's GPS that I'd let him borrow. He figured I wouldn't be needing it anymore since I lost my license. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 335

You deserved it 5 517

One day…

By Animal - 24/02/2011 19:14 - Canada

Today, my mom was snooping around my room, and found the unopened box of glow in the dark condoms I bought myself year ago. She laughed and said, "No takers yet, eh?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 176

You deserved it 17 061

By bummer - 25/11/2009 00:44 - United States

Today, I went to drive my mom's car for a change. It wouldn't start, so I open the hood. Someone had stolen the battery. I go to start my own car so I can drive to the police station to report the theft, and discover someone siphoned off my gas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 648

You deserved it 2 159

Strange metric

By Anonymous - 03/11/2020 01:57 - United States

Today, I decided that I need to lose weight when I discovered I could no longer chew on my own toenails. FML

I agree, your life sucks 210

You deserved it 1 401

By Anonymous - 24/02/2012 19:18 - United States

Today, I was posing in front of the mirror, when I realized that everyone who looks at me can easily tell which arm I use to masturbate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 703

You deserved it 37 795

Out of it

By Walker Alldredge - 15/09/2020 00:02 - United States - Ogden

Today, I was recently diagnosed with mononucleosis. This means that I'm really tired. I had been planning a trip with my sister and my cousin, but I didn’t wake up this morning at 7 because of the Mono, and they didn’t bother to wake me up. They went without me, to all my favorite places, leaving me at home with nothing to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 447

You deserved it 621

Little shit

By single&alone - 06/03/2015 20:44 - United States - Seattle

Today, my boyfriend's little sister told me she hates me. I thought she was just a jealous, whiny nitwit like most kids are, until she calmly walked over to the wall and headbutted it hard. She burst into tears, ran out of the room, and told my boyfriend I hit her. He believed her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 729

You deserved it 3 507

By WretchedOwls - 03/03/2016 23:59 - United States - Barberton

Today, after weeks of my brother being laid off from work, I was able to fenagle him an interview for one of the entry level positions at my work. He got the job, only to refuse it because it doesn't pay enough. I thought 9 dollars an hour was a lot more than 0 dollars an hour. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 22 230

You deserved it 1 655

By unluckymiss - 24/01/2010 06:03 - United States

Today, I was at the store when I ran into an old friend from high school. He didn't recognize me at first, but when I told him who I was, he instantly shouted "Oh! Yeah! The fat chick from Mr. H's class!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 525

You deserved it 4 332

By unicorn - 12/06/2009 16:49 - United States

Today, I went on a date with my boyfriend. Suddenly he starts speaking gibberish. I ask what's wrong? He says, "I was just talking to my unicorn. He says you're pretty," and winks at me. What have we learned today? The person I like is a freak, and apparently unicorns are real. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 664

You deserved it 13 237

By jesus fuck - 19/12/2018 13:30

Today, I got my 1 year old daughter vaccinated. My wife tried to leave me because she's "never felt more betrayed". FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 010

You deserved it 493

By Anonymous - 28/11/2010 05:05 - Thailand

Today, I was trying to get to my boyfriend via public transport in Thailand. He was giving the driver instructions through my phone when my phone went flat. I am now alone in the passenger seat of a car, next to a creepy old driver, no idea where he is taking me, and I don't speak a word of Thai. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 527

You deserved it 5 501

By 404: fuck not given - 23/11/2014 16:34 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I started to get horny while watching TV with my husband. I tried turning him on by telling him I wanted his cock. He cheerfully replied without looking away from the TV, "If only I gave a fuck, babe, if only I gave a fuck!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 908

You deserved it 5 556

By Pissed - 05/10/2011 15:29 - Australia

Today, in an incredibly busy shopping center bathroom with my 5 year-old niece, I was squatting over the toilet seat to avoid germs. My niece then says at the top of her voice, "Auntie, why are you sitting like a kangaroo?" I'd say the whole room pissed their pants laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 669

You deserved it 8 362

By Em - 30/04/2009 16:45 - United States

Today, my family threw me a surprise party. I was so surprised I punched my mom in the face when she screamed SURPRISE! FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 450

You deserved it 20 805

By not a boy toy - 31/03/2017 22:00

Today, I attended the will reading of the old lady who accidentally ran me over with her car years ago. I was affectionately mentioned and was left with something rather substantial. I had to listen through all that while getting evil leers and silently judged by family members who got squat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 485

You deserved it 703

By Reaper - 22/02/2009 10:01 - South Africa

Today, after weeks of agonising, I told my best friend (who I am madly in love with) that I love her. She said: "me too, you're like a brother and a best girlfriend rolled into one!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 694

You deserved it 5 035

Thanks for the heads up

By thanksma - 29/01/2017 07:00 - United States - Stilwell

Today, at his request, I met up with my brother for lunch so we could catch up. Apparently, our mother put him up to it so he could tell me our parents are getting a divorce. They didn't want to tell me themselves because I'm "too emotional." FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 729

You deserved it 633

By unknown - 24/01/2010 15:27 - France

Today, my boyfriend told me he hasn't showered since our first date. We've been dating for three weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 144

You deserved it 4 788

By anonymous - 20/12/2010 11:23

Today, while I was walking home from work, it started to rain. Clutching my bag in one hand, I started to run so I wouldn't get too wet. I saw a man running towards me and all of a sudden he tackled me to the ground. He thought I had stolen someone's handbag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 028

You deserved it 3 247

By myusofwe - 06/02/2016 01:33 - Puerto Rico - Caguas

Today, I finally got the chance to sleep with the guy I like. He couldn't get it up and awkwardly tried to stick his limp penis in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 816

You deserved it 3 002

By audied - 04/01/2010 21:26 - United States

Today, I noticed the woman I've been sleeping with for over 2 years never lets me see her naked during sex. I confronted her about it and she replied, "I don't care if you see me naked. I was just leaving the lights off the whole time so I don't have to see you naked." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 180

You deserved it 4 572

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Top comments

JMichael 25

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Wednesday 4 December 2013 16:22

She's not very bright it seems.

auro7 18

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Wednesday 4 December 2013 16:24

Prank call her back. Just remember to use *67

JMichael 25

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Wednesday 4 December 2013 16:22

She's not very bright it seems.

airforce987 20

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Wednesday 4 December 2013 16:44

If I was OP I would call back and be like "I just had the weirdest conversation with a telemarketer, have they been calling you too?" lol

Zebediabolical 39

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Wednesday 4 December 2013 19:39

It's a good thing she's hot cuz she's not that smart. She'll be one of the first to go when the Terminators come.

evilplatypus 38

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Wednesday 4 December 2013 21:51

Where does it say she's hot?

naarz 9

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Wednesday 4 December 2013 22:52

Yea i agree with #22, just to show her how smart she is, and at least this way OP can have a real conversation with his crush.......and who knows she just might be interested in talking to OP and giving him chance......hopefully he will figure out something

Zebediabolical 39

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Wednesday 4 December 2013 23:15

It's a reference to a post from another website. notalwaysright.com/why-judgment-days-gonna-be-a-cakewalk/2077

thebiglloydtree 12

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Thursday 5 December 2013 0:22

Why would he be interested? She clearly has no respect for him. She sounds like a bit of a bitch. IMO, op should be holding out for someone worth his time.

djkazic 5

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Thursday 5 December 2013 3:27

We don't really know; she could be doing it in lighthearted fun as well.

jakeanon 1

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Tuesday 17 December 2013 1:00

not bright, and nor is she nice.

aimzskee 30

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Tuesday 8 July 2014 12:12

Exactly. I don't think a prank call necessarily makes her a bitch.

fmylifeNOT 15

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Wednesday 4 December 2013 16:23

At least she called you...

sarah6786 14

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Wednesday 4 December 2013 16:30

Not really a bright side to this one...

razzledazzle21 23

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Wednesday 4 December 2013 23:57

Well the bright side is he now knows she's an idiot and can move on to finding someone else to like.

Fuaaad1994 31

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Wednesday 4 December 2013 16:23

Time to crush on someone else I'd say, depending on whether that prank was a playful one or not.

Kyuzomi 12

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Wednesday 4 December 2013 17:43

No she didn't...? What?

Kyuzomi 12

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Wednesday 4 December 2013 17:46

Nvm, I take back my last comment, I didn't do my research before I commented I'm sorry!!! D:

RedPillSucks 31

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Wednesday 4 December 2013 21:05

That's suppose to be "Oh no she di''nt!"

auro7 18

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Wednesday 4 December 2013 16:24

Prank call her back. Just remember to use *67

jkmartinjk 16

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Wednesday 4 December 2013 16:37

Feeling left out here... what does *67 do?

kinky44 28

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Wednesday 4 December 2013 16:42

Makes you appear as hidden in caller I.d.

Ambient25 24

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Wednesday 4 December 2013 16:43

It actually unleashes a hell storm of fat sucking gremlins through the phone line which pop out on the other end and cause OP to start a venture company dealing with fake designer watches made in Guatemala. As we can see it never occurred.

Never_Land 10

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Thursday 5 December 2013 2:45

Haha 21 I like the way you think friend

sempiternal80816 9

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Wednesday 4 December 2013 16:24

You'll fall for anything won't you??

cyttex 13

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Wednesday 4 December 2013 16:58

He'll fall for anything? What. She failed at prank calling. Op wasn't fooled by anything.

BeepBeepSwerve 9

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Wednesday 4 December 2013 20:15

no but i'm sure you'd fall off the tower of stupidity huh?

cyttex 13

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Wednesday 4 December 2013 16:25

We'll that could Mean anything, hopefully she is prank calling because he likes you.

cyttex 13

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Wednesday 4 December 2013 17:09

She* and due to my comment that was most lacking in intelligence I do offer my apologies.

Ambient25 24

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Wednesday 4 December 2013 17:32

Apologies accepted. The grammar nazis have been told it was a false alarm and gone home. But should it happen again, then tonight....you.

Rainhawk94 27

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Wednesday 4 December 2013 16:25

You should've said i know who you and i will kill you, giggle and hang up

cyttex 13

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Wednesday 4 December 2013 17:39

I feel the giggle ruins it.

frggl_grrl 5

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Wednesday 4 December 2013 17:59

Depends on how creepy your giggles sound

ninjuh_wingman 29

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Wednesday 4 December 2013 19:53

It's like you combined Liam Nesson from Taken and Elmo and created a really creepy ass dude.

Rainhawk94 27

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Thursday 5 December 2013 1:43

Yes that was the point

Ambient25 24

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Wednesday 4 December 2013 16:25

Thankfully she didn't use a soundboard on you OP. My roommate actually got me with a "Full Metal Jacket" sound board....I hate him. Also how did you know her number...?