Today, I went to pick up my sister's wedding cake. It was a nice... - FML

By LonnyLonnikins - 9/4/2009 05:07 - Canada

Today, I went to pick up my sister's wedding cake. It was a nice day, the shop was close, and the cake wasn't too big so I walked. On my way back, I stepped aside for a kid on a bike, tripped over my shoelaces, and dumped my sister's expensive, custom-designed cake. The wedding is tomorrow. FML

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No one likes a smart-ass

The opposite of a good idea

Not a cheating!

By SOdamnNervous - 29/8/2009 18:06 - United States

Today, I had to give a speech on the importance of dental hygiene. I got really nervous, so I did what I've heard in movies. I pictured everyone naked, began staring at a hot blonde in the front, and got hard. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2016 12:20 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I forgot my phone on the roof of my car. I took a 30 minute drive from my friend's city to my city. I got on to my driveway, surprised to see my phone still there. Thinking I'm really lucky, I pick up my phone. Then, I trip over a pebble, cracking my phone in the process. FML

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By cbad - 30/1/2012 15:27 - United States

Today, I cut my finger with a plastic knife while demonstrating that you can't cut yourself with a plastic knife. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/5/2015 20:41 - United Kingdom - Oundle

Today, in the middle of the supermarket, my 7 year old son asked me what a cocksucker is and why his mum always calls me that. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2010 06:02 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told everyone I queef during sex. Even his parents are calling me "Cooter Pooter." FML

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By babysitter - 26/3/2009 03:45 - United States

Today, I babysat for two little girls, who wanted to play 'mermaids'. I smiled, and said that I would love to play with them. The older girl laughed, saying "You can't be a mermaid. Mermaids are pretty." FML

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2014 18:34 - United Kingdom - Rugby

Today, I had my third date with a lovely guy. After I got home, I figured I'd try to see if I could find his Facebook profile. I did. His pictures were nice; lovely wedding photos for sure, and his newborn baby is adorable. FML

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By Uknowwh - 4/11/2009 01:12 - United States

Today, I found out that my best friend and the guy I had a crush on for 2 years are getting married. The worst part is that they've been dating for 2 years in secret, and just came out about it now. I've been telling her for 2 years how much I like him, and she's encouraged me the whole time. FML

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By yeah - 17/7/2015 14:59 - United States - Eugene

Today, I got in trouble for missing my shift. According to my idiot boss, "Crashes don't just happen." FML

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By spitstopper - 7/8/2014 02:22 - United States - Birmingham

Today, I stopped two little boys from spitting over a railing at the piano player two floors below in the department store I work at. Their mom complained to my boss about me. FML

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By Sara246 - 19/8/2010 23:11 - Canada

Today, I found out that my boyfriend has been cheating on me. When I confronted him about it, he asked which girl I'd found out about. FML

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By stuckass - 5/4/2016 09:02 - Pakistan

Today, our office had a mock audit before the real thing. I got warning note for not maintaining proper databases for last year's activities. I only joined a few months ago. FML

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By Rumors - 12/12/2013 11:27 - United States - Turtle Lake

Today, a rumor was spread around that I was dating somebody. I confronted the person who everyone thought I was dating, and asked him about it. He also thought we were dating. FML

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By gross. - 28/4/2013 03:25 - United States - Greenville

Today, my friend made me go on a carnival ride. The whole time, I complained that I was going to puke. I didn't, though. She did, all over me. FML

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By alternativefacts - 10/7/2017 14:28

Today, I confronted my neighbor because he'd been telling my kids that global warming was a myth. He responded with, "Whine all you want, but the swamp is draining and your bullshit liberal narrative is finally going down." He then dumped his trash on my lawn and retreated to his house. FML

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By LiveGuard - 28/3/2012 05:30 - United States

Today, I was taking a lifeguard certification test. I nearly drowned halfway through. FML

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By Misunderstood Waitress - 6/11/2012 22:37 - United States

Today, I was waitressing for a huge family. Their bill was $750. Excited about the tip, I was shocked to see only $0.50. As they were leaving, I threw the two whole quarters at their heads. Guess who also got fired today. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/8/2011 04:11 - United States

Today, I took a taxi to my hotel. I specifically said that my destination was the Hilton resort. He took me to a bed and breakfast across town. When I finally got to my hotel, I cursed him out and didn't give him a tip. I then realized I'd left my phone in the taxi after he left. FML

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By Carolyn Dee Humphrey - 7/6/2018 01:30

Today, I found out my friend and I have the same due date and the same baby daddy. It's my boyfriend of 9 years. FML

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By lambxox - 8/11/2010 09:04 - United States

Today, when I signed into Amazon, their top recommendation for me based on past purchases was "The Brave Little Toaster" on DVD. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2010 23:36 - United States

Today, I talked to my boss about scheduling my urgently needed surgery. She asked me to wait until after Christmas, and told me that I should use vacation time instead of sick leave. She's also not going to give me the total paid time off my contract specifies, because it's "inconvenient." FML

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By Noname - 11/2/2009 01:22 - United States

Today, I got on Facebook and realized the only two friend requests I've had in 2 months are both from my parents. FML

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By Blah - 30/3/2009 04:39 - United States

Today, I had to go to my son's school for career day, I explained what a banker does and then I asked if anyone had a question, one boy raised his hand and asked "When are all the cool parents gonna come?" FML

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By liz - 8/3/2010 01:46 - United States

Today, at work, I had toast thrown at me by an old Vietnam vet. Who also happens to have a dead cat in his freezer. I love retirement homes. FML

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By author - 15/2/2014 02:28 - United States - Sicklerville

Today, I was at the fish store asking if they were hiring. My stepdad decided to humiliate me by screaming at them repeatedly that I'm a good person and that I deserve the job. FML

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By HAIL SITHIS - 24/7/2015 18:54 - United States

Today, I was on a date, and I tried breaking the ice by telling him my best joke. He laughed hysterically for a good 10 seconds, started beating the table with his fist, then suddenly went deadpan and said "No, seriously, you're a moron. Screw this date." FML

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By awesome - 5/1/2012 17:13 - United States

Today, my Christmas tree was finally shipped. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/4/2009 11:16 - United Kingdom

Today, I was eating cereal and decided to warm it up to see what it tasted like. So, using a candle in the room I placed my spoon over the flame and waited to see if it heated up. Pleased with my silly experiment, I put the spoon back in my mouth. I now can't talk because of my swollen tongue. FML

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By No money, mo' problems - 18/6/2013 22:01 - United States

Today, I witnessed an elderly lady getting mugged. I ran over to the guy mugging her and offered him the money in my wallet in return for him leaving her alone. The old lady snatched my money and ran away with the mugger. What the hell just happened? FML

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By LOLCATS - 13/10/2009 13:45 - United Kingdom

Today, my wife came home from work early and told me she'd been fired. She was really upset so I told her how much she means to me and how much I love her to help cheer her up. She then told me she was caught getting it on with another employee. FML

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By notpreggo - 1/5/2017 12:00

Today, I was taking my 3-month-old nephew for a walk in his stroller, when a lady stopped me to coo over him. Then she patted my stomach and said, "Don't worry, you'll lose the baby weight soon". I've never had a baby. FML

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By lockedoutbabysitter - 9/3/2010 17:19 - United States

Today, I was babysitting. Being kind, I went to grab their mail, while their 4 year old ate lunch. He locked me out, wrecked the house, and let me in right when he saw their car two hours later. I didn't get paid. I paid them. FML

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By Landlocked - 6/5/2019 02:00

Today, my dad thought it would be a good idea to show my 5-year-old son a documentary about Hurricane Katrina. My son is now terrified of hurricanes. We live in Utah. FML

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By konens_dick - 22/3/2009 10:38 - United States

Today, I awoke to the sound of my dad knocking on my dorm room door for a surprise visit. He's barely outside the door and I pull the door open and say hey, when my roommate strips naked pulls the door open, kisses me on the cheek, says in an uber-gay voice, "Thanks for last night", and leaves. FML

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By roomie487 - 6/10/2009 21:08 - United Kingdom

Today, I met my new roommate. I also met her stuffed animals, who introduced themselves to me. My roommate makes inanimate objects talk. FML

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By oliviakelly25 - 9/10/2009 06:41 - United States

Today, three months after finally ending a long relationship with the love of my life because he was cheating on me, we are now seeing each other again. And cheating on our new significant others with each other. FML

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By bad luck? - 19/1/2012 05:44 - Australia

Today, it was my first day being a full-time paramedic. I was shot in the arm. FML

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By justagirl - 21/12/2019 14:00

Fatherlessness

Today, my ex started to talk to me again after 3 years. I've been in an amazing relationship for the last 2 years. She let me know she is taking me to court for child support. I didn't even know I had a kid. FML

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By mookiemookie01 - 27/3/2014 22:34

Today, after years of frustration, I got a t-shirt printed that says, "I am a girl". FML

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By saywhat - 26/11/2010 03:28 - United States

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house for dinner with his family. His mom cooked up a steak dinner, except that I'm a vegan, but trying to be a good girlfriend, I forced it down. Upon his mother finding out I was a vegan, she called me "disloyal to my beliefs." FML

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Top comments

By heathcoate | 0

#95992 - Thursday 9 April 2009 16:14

Why would you walk to pick up a cake like that? How stupid are you?

By red_wings | 0

#95963 - Thursday 9 April 2009 16:08

wow you're dead!
but in your defense the cake should have been delivered

Comments

By red_wings | 0

#95963 - Thursday 9 April 2009 16:08

wow you're dead!
but in your defense the cake should have been delivered

By amelinat | 0

#95971 - Thursday 9 April 2009 16:09

Oh mate that really sucks, I once had my boyfriends quite large 21st cake melt into the back seat of my car, but that was just a bit of cream and sugar, sounds like you annhiliated that cake.

A terrible shame - i Love cake.

By ravioli221 | 0

#95974 - Thursday 9 April 2009 16:10

FYL, but don't the caterers usually handle the cake??

By Sens_fan9 | 0

#95976 - Thursday 9 April 2009 16:10

BEAT THAT CHILD!!! lol im kidding. You're screwed. Don't be writing on the site, you owe your sis a cake! GET UP! Do something...

By woahcomments | 0

#95981 - Thursday 9 April 2009 16:11

it's called "caterers".
they DO deliver the cake for you, you know.

By greenman_fml | 0

#95982 - Thursday 9 April 2009 16:11

BIKERS ON SIDEWALKS RUIN EVERYTHING. Sometimes i just feel the need to give them the people's elbow. Anyways, you can always get a Reeses/Oreo/Blizzard/Diabetes cake at Dairy Queen

By heathcoate | 0

#95992 - Thursday 9 April 2009 16:14

Why would you walk to pick up a cake like that? How stupid are you?

By red_wings | 0

#95993 - Thursday 9 April 2009 16:15

#7 AHAHAHAHAHA
I haven't heard anyone say the ppl's elbow in the longest time...made my day

By CaptainDDL | 0

#96001 - Thursday 9 April 2009 16:16

You really deserved it for trusting yourself with something so relatively important. I'd much rather be safe than sorry.

By Puolukka | 4

#96007 - Thursday 9 April 2009 16:17

#4

Not always, if you don't order the cake from the same company that caters...we also had to pick up our wedding cake the day before...