Miscellaneous: Today, it's my birthday. The only "happy birthday"s I got were... - FML

By carboncoach - Egypt

Today, it's my birthday. The only "happy birthday"s I got were from my mom, her Facebook account, and the Facebook account she made for her cat. FML

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Mother of the year

Late term

Zoomed out

By Isabell - Australia

Today, my soon-to-be mother-in-law walked in on me masturbating, in my own house. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I went for a job interview on my birthday. I had on a shirt and a tie on and I had my Blackberry in my pocket. I was running a little late, so I dashed outside. When I came out of the door, a bunch of my buddies screamed HAPPY BIRTHDAY! and poured Gatorade all over me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to find a tick stuck to my eyelashes. The only way I know of to get it off is with fire. FML

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By cane - United States

Today, my mom needed coffee so I drove to Starbucks to get her some. She let me drive the Porsche, which has never happened. Upon coming home I picked the coffee up out of the cupholder so it wouldnt spill. My phone vibrated in my pocket, I spilled the coffee and crashed the car into the garage. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Westerose

Today, our family cat died. I had to explain this to my 2 small children, who had no experience with death. I ended up bawling like a baby while they consoled me, telling me she had, "gone to a better place". FML

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By munnyfish - Canada

Today, as I was waking up, I let out a huge morning fart. When I open my eyes, I realized that I was crashing at a friends place with four other people. Yep, they all heard. FML

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By Upside-Down Sleeper. - United States - Pasadena

Today, I went to the yearly town carnival with my friends. I hadn't slept well the night before and when I got onto the scariest ride, I somehow fell half asleep. I woke up upside down and ended up peeing myself in terror. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my roommate revealed that the reason he's so grumpy is because he hasn't gotten laid in a year. I'm his only female friend, and the entire time he talked to me, he stared at my chest. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after my check cleared for my half of the $1000 deposit on our new apartment. FML

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By jedd90 - United States

Today, I overdraw my account, and I ended up paying an extra 35 bucks for a 1.99 item. It was an application on the iPhone that is supposed to help me keep track of my money. FML

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By Read The Fine Print - United States - Sylmar

Today, I got into a car accident. The guy wouldn't give me his information, but instead stood there saying, "Like a good neighbor, Statefarm is there." FML

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By anon - United States - Spencer

Today, I found out that my crush of a few years likes me. How? Her boyfriend told me, followed by a punch in the face. FML

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By "catty_13"

Today, thanks to my estranged husband, I had three seizures at work. I came home yesterday to find that my seizure medications were completely gone. He'd flushed them down the toilet because he thinks I'm psychotic and "read on the internet" that it's because of the meds. FML

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By bdayloser - Canada

Today, I celebrated my 18th birthday. Alone. My only birthday wish came from the police officer who gave me a ticket. FML

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By TerribleAddiction - United States

Today, I decided to quit smoking. My wife conveniently decided on the same day that she was going to start smoking. FML

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By jami898 - United States - Medford

Today, I passed out. I fell to the hardwood floor, cut my chin, and bit through my lip. Fortunately, my brother was there to help stop the bleeding and get me some water. All I had to do was wait until he finished his game of Call of Duty. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I got a letter back from the family I will be staying with as a part of an exchange program. Apparently they own a slaughterhouse type farm, and I'm expected to kill one of their animals and eat it as a gift from the family. I'm a vegan. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went over to my friend's house. We were teasing each other, when she stood up and began to jokingly walk away. Trying to be cute, I tried to pull her onto my knee. I miscalculated and she ended up sitting right on my boner. FML

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By GreenMonstR - United States

Today, I was at the store with my wife. As we were walking out, I helped an elderly woman get through the door. As I was opening the door, my foot got stuck on the door and my face was catapulted into the woman's breasts. It wasn't until we got into the car that my wife burst into hysterics. FML

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By Anonymous - Switzerland

Today, I was having sex with a girl. Things were getting pretty hot, so I decided to smack her butt. I missed. I smacked my balls instead. Real hard. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I received my best compliment of the year so far when an ER doctor commented positively on the clarity of my urine sample. FML

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By Childhood - United States

Today, I went to my little cousin's school to pick her up and it happened to be my old elementary school. I saw my old teacher and went up to say hi, and after a few minutes she goes "Aren't you the girl who's dad always came in drunk on parent's day?" Nice to know that's how I'm remembered. FML

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By anidiotskeeper - United States - Hawthorne

Today, I went to my girlfriend's house and caught her digging for gold. She wasn't picking her nose - she was literally trying to dig for gold in her backyard. FML

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By Jamie - United States

Today, to get back at me for our recent breakup, my ex put a "9/11 was an inside job!" bumper sticker on my car. I work for the government in New York City, and I just got a text saying that my manager wants to talk to me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I received an email with a link to a story about a man who lost 650 pounds. I ignored it, until I saw who sent it. My mom, with the message "Maybe there's hope for you." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bicester

Today, I made eye contact with a cute guy from across a packed train. He then yelled out, in front of everyone, "You've got foam on your nose!" FML

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By Anonymous - Romania - Buzau

Today, I heard my grandma sobbing in her room. After finally convincing her to tell me what was wrong, she confessed to watching a porn video last night. She thinks not being able to sleep afterwards is a sign that God is punishing her, and that she's damned our family to hell. FML

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By Junktown - Israel

Today, I was propositioned by an incredibly pretty girl. I'm a 24 year old virgin; she's my best mate's girlfriend. She tells him everything when drunk, and he's a black-belt in karate. This could officially be classified as torture. FML

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By stupid!!! - 2/9/2020 19:58

Light bulb moment

Today, my lamp wouldn’t turn on. I spent a good 10 minutes looking for a replacement bulb before I thought to check if it was plugged in. It wasn’t. FML

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By fattysonparade - United Kingdom

Today, I cycled past a group of middle school kids. They decided that they should all start shouting "FAT ALERT" while ringing the bells on their bikes. FML

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By dmachin - France

Today, I visited my grandmother who has dementia. She thought I was my father, and told me that I should never have married my mother, let alone have had children with her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was just about done with my late-night shift at Ralph's. As I was about to put up my "Closed Lane" sign, an elderly women starts putting items on the conveyor belt. The cost was $14.79, and she paid with pennies. It took her ages to count them all, and I wasn't being paid overtime. FML

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By ouch - Australia - Collaroy

Today, my psychiatrist asked me if I felt bad about my weight. When I said no, he looked surprised and said, "Why not?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bisbee

Today, I grabbed a box of my favorite granola bars, the only flavor the brand makes without nuts, which I'm severely allergic to. A visit to the ER after my throat closed up told me that I'd missed the notice on the shelf, warning that they're now making them with peanuts. FML

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By milked - United States

Today, as I was about to have sex with my husband, I said I wanted to "spice things up." Apparently, our ideas weren't the same. He yanked my nipples as hard as he could and said, "Yeah, you like that?" FML

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By -___- - United States - Winfield

Today, I sent my boyfriend a text asking him to come over a little later and have some "fun" with me. He texted back, "WTF babe? Breaking Bad's on tonight. You got a dildo, fucking use it." FML

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By whatever - United States

Today, I went out with my ex-boyfriend on a date. The night consisted of me sitting in the back seat of his friend's truck while they drove around to pick up things for the party they were going to have that same night. After they picked everything up, he asked where I wanted to get dropped off. FML

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By "Keira McArthur"

Today, my car fob died on me when I was going to get donations because my house burnt down two days ago, FML

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By Anonymous - Norway - Ytre Arna

Today, I came home to find my parents wearing Santa hats and blasting Christmas music at full volume. So begins three months of hell. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - New Malden

Today, my husband actually tried to pay me to forget about the affair that he's been having. FML

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Top comments

By DocBastard | 38

#5791172 - Saturday 14 December 2013 2:29

And now you'll get 184 more from random FML users who don't actually give a fuck about you but want to look like nice people.

Happy fucking birthday.

By Nyx_fml | 23

#5791140 - Saturday 14 December 2013 2:20

Did the kitten say, "Have a purrfect birthday!"? So many cat puns could have been made.

COMMENTS

By Nyx_fml | 23

#5791140 - Saturday 14 December 2013 2:20

Did the kitten say, "Have a purrfect birthday!"? So many cat puns could have been made.

Reply

9gagnFml | 8

#5791221 - Saturday 14 December 2013 2:57

Happy Birthday!
Have a good day!
May your dreams come true!

Reply

Nyx_fml | 23

#5791245 - Saturday 14 December 2013 3:18

Thank you! How did you even know it was my birthday?! Oh, wait ... no, it's not my birthday :(

Reply

ashalayx | 13

#5791316 - Saturday 14 December 2013 4:38

thats a CATastrophe

Reply

Aligator67 | 12

#5792157 - Saturday 14 December 2013 21:36

It's my birthday, but nobody cares.

Reply

melbournearsenal | 18

#5799005 - Friday 20 December 2013 15:33

"Have a Mice birthday, best Fishes..."

By peacefully84 | 19

#5791151 - Saturday 14 December 2013 2:22

Happy Birthday!

By adamfromaus | 9

#5791152 - Saturday 14 December 2013 2:22

happy birthday OP

By awilliams44 | 9

#5791157 - Saturday 14 December 2013 2:24

Awwww that's kinda cute considering cats don't speak. Well happy birthday!

Reply

LowExpectations | 30

#5791285 - Saturday 14 December 2013 4:18

Of course they don't speak! That would be absurd. Cats use Facebook to convey their thoughts, duh.

Reply

drshn | 22

#5791606 - Saturday 14 December 2013 9:27

Really!!! That's what you took away.

By Kiki242 | 19

#5791163 - Saturday 14 December 2013 2:26

That's better than no happy birthdays at all. Not to mention the ones you'll receive from the FML community. Happy birthday, OP.

Reply

VeganVampyre | 26

#5792721 - Sunday 15 December 2013 6:05

I dunno... Having your mom say happy birthday from the Facebook page she made for her cat is pretty pathetic...

By Phoebe_Buffay | 14

#5791167 - Saturday 14 December 2013 2:27

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, OP!!!

Reply

icryevrytime | 7

#5791173 - Saturday 14 December 2013 2:29

happy birthday!

By birdiebby92 | 1

#5791170 - Saturday 14 December 2013 2:29

happy birthday!!!

By DocBastard | 38

#5791172 - Saturday 14 December 2013 2:29

And now you'll get 184 more from random FML users who don't actually give a fuck about you but want to look like nice people.

Happy fucking birthday.

Reply

CJB3228 | 17

#5791377 - Saturday 14 December 2013 5:13

...and many fucking more.

Reply

lesley3r3 | 22

#5791686 - Saturday 14 December 2013 12:43

Omg haha

By Headcrab | 29

#5791174 - Saturday 14 December 2013 2:29

happy bday ;-)

By xnyletak | 17

#5791175 - Saturday 14 December 2013 2:30

This is going to sound rude but your life could be worse. I mean, you could have a real problem.