Today, it's my birthday. The only "happy birthday"s I got were... - FML

By carboncoach - 13/12/2013 17:24 - Egypt

Today, it's my birthday. The only "happy birthday"s I got were from my mom, her Facebook account, and the Facebook account she made for her cat. FML

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Insane parents

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

Assumptions

By Noname - 14/3/2009 15:16 - United States

Today, I yelled at my spouse in front of 20 guests for not coming to blow out his birthday cake candles. Turns out he was in the other room, quietly changing his disabled friend's diaper. FML

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By HopelessGRLF - 16/12/2016 19:30

Today, I was talking to a guy I met on a dating site, and he asked if we could meet up and what we should do. When I suggested ice-skating he told me he was in a wheelchair, so I said we could go for a walk instead. I realised my mistake the moment I sent the message. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2020 05:01

Collateral damage

Today, my sweet, nonviolent boyfriend found out my daughter's asshole boyfriend had hit her, so he rugby-tackled him so hard, it ripped the door right out of the frame and into the garden. I never knew he had it in him, so I'm proud, but now we've got to fix the door. FML

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By Hey, thats not math!? - 9/8/2016 20:20 - United States - Sunnyside

Today, I logged on to my Gmail account and to find that my brother had sent my math teacher a picture of Bigfoot peeing into a urinal. Using my account. FML

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By missy - 9/3/2009 22:54 - United States

Today, my mother told me she needed a urine sample to send in to the doctors to test for any allergies. I did what she had asked and went to my room. I came down stairs later and found her in the bathroom putting my pee on a pregnancy test stick. FML

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By ugh - 3/9/2013 23:53 - United States - Lancaster

Today, I ended up taking a massive dump after being constipated for a while. I thought I was alone, so I pretended I was giving birth to my turd, and let out all kinds of sound effects. Next thing I know, I hear a knock at the door and my mom asking, "Should I call 911?" FML

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By Bonapp - 9/2/2012 22:11 - France

Today, I was invited over by my girlfriend's parents, but I couldn't bring myself to take part in their discussions. During a lull in conversation, I noticed everyone was staring at me. Covering myself while I tried to think of something to say, I grabbed an apple and took a bite. It was plastic. FML

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By Lesley - 17/2/2009 01:11 - United Kingdom

Today, while at work I was reading "The Very Hungry Caterpillar" to me class of 5 year olds. I got near the end of the book and said "Look at the big fat caterpillar" to which one of my pupils replied "Just like you, Miss!" FML

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By thatsnotacat - 21/11/2013 17:52 - Australia - West End

Today, I woke up to something tickling me. Thinking it was my cat, I reached under the covers to give her a friendly scratch behind the ears. I imagine the giant spider that was actually there enjoyed my terrified screams. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/4/2012 04:44 - United States

Today, I yet again heard a friend say "YOLO" as if it's a word. It was so annoying that I had to restrain myself from punching him in the face and offering him the chance to suck on one of my turds, since apparently "YOLO." FML

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By Anonymous - 25/3/2009 04:48 - Canada

Today, I bought body chocolate to use in bed with my boyfriend in the hopes of spicing things up. Everything was going great, until I tasted it. It was disgusting and actually made me gag a little. Later, my boyfriend checked the label and started laughing. It had expired 3 years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2012 00:29 - United States - Bellingham

Today, while my mother's blind friend was waiting in our kitchen for my mom to come home, I thought it would be funny to talk to her in the nude. Turns out she's only blind in one eye. FML

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By ElleSavage - 26/5/2018 01:30

Today, I finally found a dress I'd been missing for months. It was in a casket, on my recently deceased cousin. FML

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By Wutdafuqq - 23/2/2015 20:18 - Canada - Kanata

Today, a woman yelled at me for holding a door open for her. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/12/2019 01:00 - United States

Laying eggs!

Today, I've has a constant feeling like something is moving in my ear. I'm a severe arachnaphobic, and my dad is trying to convince me a spider is in my ear laying eggs. FML

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By Annonmyus - 3/12/2010 08:56

Today, my boyfriend left me for my step-sister. He's been cheating on me with her for the past 6 months, and got her pregnant. I also found out that my stomach pains are due to the fact that I'm also pregnant. My family could officially qualify for Jerry Springer. FML

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By GodSquad - 26/9/2013 08:06 - United Kingdom - Blackburn

Today, I found out that the girl I've fallen in love with is a "young-earth/dinosaurs-lived-with-humans" crackpot. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2014 20:36 - United Kingdom - Dunfermline

Today, I ate some amazing homemade brownies that my best friend's wife made for us. She waited till I'd shoved a third one into my mouth before she mentioned she made them with breast milk. Knowing her, I don't even doubt it was true. FML

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By bearded lady - 8/6/2020 14:03

Can't face it

Today, thanks to all my medications, I've been growing thick, dark hair on my face. I decided to use hair removal cream instead of shaving. The cream removed every trace of hair, but also made my skin about 4 times lighter than the rest of my face. It's even more noticeable than the beard. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/10/2011 02:18 - United Kingdom

Today, I was confronted by my father after I got back home from a party in the early hours. He demanded to know if I'd been doing any drugs, and then decided to give me a scare lecture on the dangers of alcohol. I'd had a few beers. He had the smell of tequila on his breath. FML

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By thesitter - 10/5/2009 13:18 - United States

Today, while babysitting, I gave the boy a pen and paper because he wanted to draw me. When he was done, he let me see but then said, "Wait! I'm not done." He took it back and basically colored in the arms. I said, "I'm not wearing long-sleeves." He said, "That's hair." FML

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By Craptastic - 15/9/2018 15:00

Today, at physical therapy, I felt that all-too-familiar gurgle in my gut, but I thought it would a light, silent fart. I squatted for an exercise and shit my pants in front of the cute, single, male physical therapist. He definitely noticed. I still had 30 minutes left in the session. FML

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By sunshine19217 - 18/1/2011 23:07 - United States

Today, I took the time to make myself look nice just so that the pizza guy would think I had a life. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/2/2010 15:45 - United States

Today, it appears that my upstairs neighbour has decided to learn how to play the trombone. FML

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By nomorecleaning - 16/3/2013 12:17 - United States - Augusta

Today, I discovered that the reason my mom hasn't been noticing the extra cleaning I've done lately is because her boyfriend took credit when she asked about it; and was rewarded for it in bed. I helped him get with my mom. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2014 19:30 - United States - Traverse City

Today, my wife yelled at me for being a bastard and not caring about her needs. I felt like an asshole and apologized for everything. It took me a few hours to realize I'd basically just apologized for unknowingly hanging the toilet paper the "wrong way" for her OCD. FML

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By wouaf - 29/5/2015 04:19 - France - Voiron

Today, I was out shopping with my little sister. I wanted to try something on, so I put my bag in front of a changing room and jokingly told her to bark if someone came near. She ended up biting a lady who was trying to get into one of the changing rooms. FML

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By doubletrouble - 22/4/2011 14:40 - United States

Today, my boyfriend finally found a roommate after hopelessly looking for months. I was really anxious to meet the guy because I would most likely be spending a good amount of time with him. Who did my boyfriend end up picking as his new roommate? My ex-boyfriend. FML

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By great - 25/1/2013 20:36 - Puerto Rico - San Juan

Today, my girlfriend complimented me on my ass. Before I could say thanks, she continued by commenting that she wouldn't mind "breaking it in". FML

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By zzyx - 22/9/2009 03:19 - United States

Today, there was a fire alarm in my dorm. Just as I was leaving my room, a lady in the hallway told me that it was a drill and they'd be inspecting rooms, so I would need to leave my door unlocked. When I came back, my room was trashed and my laptop, speakers, and jewelry were gone. FML

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By Smooth - 11/4/2009 07:38 - United States

Today, I had hooked up with this girl and had finally lulled her asleep. I didn't want to stay so I quietly managed to get my clothes back on and get out the door without waking her. I made it all the way out of her building and to my car before I realized I had forgotten my keys. FML

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By WhatsThatSmell - 25/2/2011 13:25 - Australia

Today, I took a busy train into the city. I was lucky enough to get a seat. People were forced to stand in the aisle in front of me, and the person directly opposite me, whose butt was level with my head farted in my face. Twice. FML

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By meepdaleap - 16/5/2013 21:50 - United States - Newport News

Today, I stepped out of the kitchen to yell at my kids for running in the house. I had just mopped the floor, and did not want them to fall. I fell while yelling and twisted my ankle. At least they know it's dangerous now. FML

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By Name - 11/7/2009 04:20 - United States

Today, I was playing tennis with my friend. He hit a ball up high, and I slammed it down, thinking there was no way he would get it. Feeling pretty good about it, I turned around to celebrate. As I turned around, I got smacked in my face. He got it. FML

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By Husband - 22/11/2016 14:33 - United States - Washington

Today, I asked my husband if he wanted to visit my parents for Thanksgiving. He choked on his own spit to avoid answering the question. FML

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By panicked headaches - 7/12/2015 19:04 - United States - East Lansing

Today, I started taking my anxiety meds. Without them I can't function because I'm constantly fighting off panic attacks, but with them I can't function because I get crippling headaches and heartburn and feel tired all the time. FML

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By Highschoolisover! - 26/10/2017 01:30

Today, a good friend refuses to speak to me because she found out that I slept with her husband. It happened twelve years before they met. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2013 20:54 - United States - Woodbridge

Today, I attended a cooking class with my co-workers. As the chef prepared to cut up a load of onions for his dish, he warned us to be ready for the "typical reactions". Everyone teared up. Meanwhile, I popped a boner. So much for typical. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/3/2009 15:51 - United States

Today, I got a call from a girl I know, asking if i could babysit her little brother at my house tonight. I said yes. When the boy came over he mentioned that his sister was having a party and didn't want him there. Turns out all my friends were invited except me. FML

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By Emily - 21/8/2011 04:54 - United States

Today, I finally lost my virginity. In my boyfriend's racecar bed. FML

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Top comments

By DocBastard | 38

#5791172 - Saturday 14 December 2013 2:29

And now you'll get 184 more from random FML users who don't actually give a fuck about you but want to look like nice people.

Happy fucking birthday.

By Nyx_fml | 23

#5791140 - Saturday 14 December 2013 2:20

Did the kitten say, "Have a purrfect birthday!"? So many cat puns could have been made.

COMMENTS

By Nyx_fml | 23

#5791140 - Saturday 14 December 2013 2:20

Did the kitten say, "Have a purrfect birthday!"? So many cat puns could have been made.

Reply

9gagnFml | 8

#5791221 - Saturday 14 December 2013 2:57

Happy Birthday!
Have a good day!
May your dreams come true!

Reply

Nyx_fml | 23

#5791245 - Saturday 14 December 2013 3:18

Thank you! How did you even know it was my birthday?! Oh, wait ... no, it's not my birthday :(

Reply

ashalayx | 13

#5791316 - Saturday 14 December 2013 4:38

thats a CATastrophe

Reply

Aligator67 | 12

#5792157 - Saturday 14 December 2013 21:36

It's my birthday, but nobody cares.

Reply

melbournearsenal | 18

#5799005 - Friday 20 December 2013 15:33

"Have a Mice birthday, best Fishes..."

By peacefully84 | 19

#5791151 - Saturday 14 December 2013 2:22

Happy Birthday!

By adamfromaus | 9

#5791152 - Saturday 14 December 2013 2:22

happy birthday OP

By awilliams44 | 9

#5791157 - Saturday 14 December 2013 2:24

Awwww that's kinda cute considering cats don't speak. Well happy birthday!

Reply

LowExpectations | 30

#5791285 - Saturday 14 December 2013 4:18

Of course they don't speak! That would be absurd. Cats use Facebook to convey their thoughts, duh.

Reply

drshn | 22

#5791606 - Saturday 14 December 2013 9:27

Really!!! That's what you took away.

By Kiki242 | 19

#5791163 - Saturday 14 December 2013 2:26

That's better than no happy birthdays at all. Not to mention the ones you'll receive from the FML community. Happy birthday, OP.

Reply

VeganVampyre | 26

#5792721 - Sunday 15 December 2013 6:05

I dunno... Having your mom say happy birthday from the Facebook page she made for her cat is pretty pathetic...

By Phoebe_Buffay | 14

#5791167 - Saturday 14 December 2013 2:27

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, OP!!!

Reply

icryevrytime | 7

#5791173 - Saturday 14 December 2013 2:29

happy birthday!

By birdiebby92 | 1

#5791170 - Saturday 14 December 2013 2:29

happy birthday!!!

By DocBastard | 38

#5791172 - Saturday 14 December 2013 2:29

And now you'll get 184 more from random FML users who don't actually give a fuck about you but want to look like nice people.

Happy fucking birthday.

Reply

CJB3228 | 17

#5791377 - Saturday 14 December 2013 5:13

...and many fucking more.

Reply

lesley3r3 | 22

#5791686 - Saturday 14 December 2013 12:43

Omg haha

By Headcrab | 29

#5791174 - Saturday 14 December 2013 2:29

happy bday ;-)

By xnyletak | 17

#5791175 - Saturday 14 December 2013 2:30

This is going to sound rude but your life could be worse. I mean, you could have a real problem.