Miscellaneous: Today, it's my birthday. The only "happy birthday"s I got were...

By carboncoach - 13/12/2013 17:24 - Egypt

Today, it's my birthday. The only "happy birthday"s I got were from my mom, her Facebook account, and the Facebook account she made for her cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 737

You deserved it 3 375

Miscellaneous

Walk the line

Compromises

Panic

By MrZhang - 23/06/2009 03:34 - Australia

Today, I had an interview with IBM. For a week I did extensive research and preparation for the interview. At first the interview was going really well. I was hitting all the marks. Then just as a final casual question she asked with a smile "What does IBM stand for?". I didn't know. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 357

You deserved it 26 468

By space_cadet90818 - 08/03/2010 00:16 - United States

Today, I woke up with one of the worst migraines I've had in months. My mother (who thinks I'm a hypochondriac) began to scream at me about "making up an illness". When I asked for my meds, she called me an addict and dumped my $300 prescription down the sink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 453

You deserved it 2 913

By RyanM - 10/03/2010 15:00 - France

Today, I found out what people really think about the beard I've been proudly growing for over a month. It appears that my face now looks like an unshaven ballsack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 864

You deserved it 27 428

Net!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, life gave me lemons, delivering them straight to my nuts via my neighbor's tennis ball shooter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 064

You deserved it 2 808

By weirdome23 - 26/04/2011 09:45 - United States

Today, my "friend" told me I was weird and irritating. Yet she has an unhealthy obsession with Harry Potter, hates people in general, and has a Facebook for her cat. Yeah, I'm the weird one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 431

You deserved it 8 571

By Anonymous - 17/10/2012 02:48 - United States

Today, I got married. I received a beautifully wrapped gift from my dad. I was full of excitement until I opened it and found two taxidermied rabbits. The ones I had when I was in the fifth grade. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 913

You deserved it 1 991

Plebs need not apply.

By chels - 17/07/2018 19:00

Today, when my new boyfriend told me he liked playing games, he meant a 60" TV with a professional gaming chair in the middle of his living room, and 48-hour gaming marathons where he totally ignores me, refuses to sleep or shower, and only has energy drinks and cheerios. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 803

You deserved it 830

By Anonymous - 13/10/2009 15:53 - United States

Today, I locked my keys in my car. My spare keys are 45 minutes away in my dorm room. My dorm room keys are attached to my car keys locked in my car. Security said they would let me in as long as I had my school ID. It's on my keychain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 017

You deserved it 7 644

By pontwa - 23/08/2015 13:45 - Australia

Today, after nearly 2 years, my now ex-girlfriend decided she was ready to have sex. Specifically, sex with my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 125

You deserved it 1 891

By notsober - 20/03/2012 05:49 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he loved me for the first time. About 2 hours later, he got to hold my hair while I puked, also for the first time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 991

You deserved it 6 918

You made them use coasters, Monica

By Anonymous - 21/09/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom - Wakefield

Today, I was checking my friends' posts on Facebook and all of them were complaining what a boring night they had. They were all just at my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 472

You deserved it 184

By iamnotfat - 06/02/2009 22:14 - United States

Today, I went to my boyfriend's work to surprise him. When I got there, I called him on his phone to tell him to turn around. I saw him look at his phone. His co-worker next to him asked who that was. He replied, "Just this fat chick I know." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 641

You deserved it 4 472

By This Guy - 26/09/2011 17:18 - United States

Today, I went to Walmart to pick up some groceries. When I came out, the front end of my car was crushed in. On the window was a note only saying "Sorry I bumped into your car." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 354

You deserved it 2 520

By KyngJulian - 23/04/2013 02:48 - United States

Today, I found out I was an alcoholic. Not from my friends or family, but because the ice-maker couldn't keep up with the amount of drinks I've been making. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 639

You deserved it 19 671

By Anonymous - 03/09/2013 04:13 - United States - Woburn

Today, my husband thought it would be acceptable to watch Breaking Bad on Netflix with my 4-year-old in the room. What happened to be the only line he picked up? "Well heil Hitler, bitch!" I found out from his preschool teacher. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 925

You deserved it 5 172

By bob - 03/07/2012 17:33 - United States - Fairborn

Today, I woke up to a nude picture of my girlfriend. Once I looked at it my morning wood went away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 896

You deserved it 9 342

By oink401 - 05/11/2011 15:40 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend came to my house crying because the guy who she has been cheating on me with doesn't want to be with her anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 841

You deserved it 4 355

By Anonymous - 21/09/2011 13:17 - United States

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend, and started to climb on top of him sexily. He blurted out, "Oh my god, you're like that girl from The Ring." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 630

You deserved it 6 178

By Anonymous - 20/08/2009 23:34 - United States

Today, it was my first day of school as a freshman. I soon became lost and decided to ask a senior for directions to my class. They smiled at me and said "It's on the third floor to the right." After ten minutes of walking up and down stairs and hallways, I discovered there is no third floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 450

You deserved it 20 921

By Anonymous - 12/01/2011 18:47 - Ireland

Today, I was taking my architecture project to school. I'd spent days preparing my little model house. I stepped outside with it in my hand, and right at that moment a gust of wind ripped it away. It's currently lying in my neighbour's garden, smashed to pieces. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 509

You deserved it 4 094

By HungryStudent - 20/08/2014 18:59 - Puerto Rico - Carolina

Today, my 24-year-old, unemployed brother stole all of my food money and went out with his friends. His punishment from our parents? He has to pay me back when he gets a job. My stomach has to wait. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 934

You deserved it 3 219

By unknown002 - 12/02/2010 01:25 - United States

Today, I stepped on the scale because I'm trying to maintain a good weight. The scale read that I had lost 6 pounds. Feeling really good about myself, I stepped off the scale only to see that the corner of the scale was sitting on the rug, making the scale mess up and tell me the wrong weight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 186

You deserved it 18 624

By mackamuir - 01/04/2016 13:01 - Australia - Gold Coast

Today, my roommate played a crazy April Fool's joke on me by not paying his rent this month. Good one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 890

You deserved it 1 769

Nice try

By Journo - 27/04/2009 19:46 - United States

Today, after two months of unemployment, I got a call from a marketing firm offering me an interview for an entry-level position. While Googling the company, I discovered it's a scam. I graduated college in 3 years with a 3.5 GPA, and the only interview I can get is at a fake company. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 029

You deserved it 4 998

What?

By Patrick - 29/10/2020 03:08 - Trinidad and Tobago - Couva

Today, my coworker got a raise by making our boss give me a pay cut for doing his job while he was slacking off. As we were heading home for the day, he found $100. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 147

You deserved it 72

Panic!

By dusty - 06/12/2018 15:30

Today, I picked my baby up from my babysitter's house. As I was getting him ready for bed, I saw blood and immediately went into a panic, rushing to the hospital and trying to contact her to see if my baby fell and she didn't tell me. Turns out it was just hot Cheeto dust mixed with drool. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 180

You deserved it 1 764

By coop42 - 15/01/2014 19:22 - United States - Hortonville

Today, my boyfriend was playing with my hair, when his hand got caught. He ended up ripping out a handful of hair trying to get it free. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 030

You deserved it 6 060

By I said whaat - 18/12/2012 16:50

Today, I was in the mall for the second day in a row with my 7-year-old brother. As we walked past Santa he asked me, "Why does Santa look different today"? Not thinking, I said, "Because each mall has a different Santa." FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 143

You deserved it 36 763

By Anonymous - 13/04/2013 00:13 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I went to the funeral of my friend's brother. It was the first funeral I'd gone to, and I was really nervous. When the service finished, everyone went to pay their respects to the family. After I paid mine, they said, "Thank you for coming." I instictively replied, "My pleasure." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 478

You deserved it 18 410

By Anonymous - 07/06/2013 13:25 - United States - Elk Grove

Today, my idiot horse decided to grab a mouthful of stinging nettles while I was riding him. He panicked at the burning sensation in his mouth and bucked me off. Don't worry, though, my fall was cushioned, by the nettles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 398

You deserved it 5 481

By chickety boom - 02/08/2013 12:41 - United States - Austin

Today, my 70-year-old grandmother held a celebration over officially having divorced my grandfather. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 908

You deserved it 4 282

By Justin 'Cuntface' Bieber III - 14/06/2015 13:41 - United States - Jersey Shore

Today, at the supermarket, a woman came up to me and said I looked just like her son, who was killed in Afghanistan. She tearfully asked if she could hug me "one last time". It was a little weird, but I let her. 10 minutes later, at the checkout, I realized she'd pickpocketed my wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 608

You deserved it 5 257

Priorities

By elly - 08/04/2021 14:00

Today, I broke my toe and screamed, "Fuck!" My mom heard and yelled at me for swearing, while I laid on the floor in pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 712

You deserved it 144

By themcdave - 19/05/2012 08:03 - United Kingdom - Cranfield

Today, I woke up early for an important team meeting I needed to attend. I washed, got changed, and sat down to eat breakfast... I then woke up again, an hour late and covered in cereal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 525

You deserved it 4 528

By FMAhole - 12/02/2019 12:18 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, while at the office, a surprise Valentine's gift arrived for me, the first I've ever received. It was a box of heart-shaped cookies. From my mother. I'm 39. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 661

You deserved it 4 125

By Anonymous user - 09/08/2018 06:00

Today, my mom laughed about hearing me singing in the shower and told our whole family. I wasn't singing, though. I was masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 984

You deserved it 2 808

By Anonymous - 27/10/2012 19:28 - Germany - Nuremberg

Today, I saw a folder on my son's PC named "PussyPictures". I sat him down for a talk, only to be told they contained pictures of the James Bond character Pussy Galore, for his essay about sexism in movies. He's now mocking me for "having a dirty mind". FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 541

You deserved it 38 414

By WTF? - 20/04/2012 00:12 - United States

Today, I found myself humming a Skrillex ditty all day. I'm beginning to wonder if I've had some sort of stroke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 933

You deserved it 5 895

By Akestarr - 02/12/2013 13:28 - United States - Georgetown

Today, I found out that my dad paid for my sister's friend's airplane ticket so she could attend my sister's wedding. I would have been there myself, but I couldn't afford the airplane ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 286

You deserved it 3 640

By sig - 22/11/2016 13:54

Today, I found out that I'm not welcome at my boyfriend's dad funeral, because his ex-wife has invited herself, and it would be too awkward to explain to his extended family, most of whom apparently don't yet know that he's divorced. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 329

You deserved it 882

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

Nyx_fml 23

Send a private message

Saturday 14 December 2013 2:20

Did the kitten say, "Have a purrfect birthday!"? So many cat puns could have been made.

DocBastard 38

Send a private message

Saturday 14 December 2013 2:29

And now you'll get 184 more from random FML users who don't actually give a fuck about you but want to look like nice people. Happy fucking birthday.

Nyx_fml 23

Send a private message

Saturday 14 December 2013 2:20

Did the kitten say, "Have a purrfect birthday!"? So many cat puns could have been made.

9gagnFml 8

Send a private message

Saturday 14 December 2013 2:57

Happy Birthday! Have a good day! May your dreams come true!

Nyx_fml 23

Send a private message

Saturday 14 December 2013 3:18

Thank you! How did you even know it was my birthday?! Oh, wait ... no, it's not my birthday :(

ashalayx 13

Send a private message

Saturday 14 December 2013 4:38

thats a CATastrophe

Aligator67 12

Send a private message

Saturday 14 December 2013 21:36

It's my birthday, but nobody cares.

melbournearsenal 18

Send a private message

Friday 20 December 2013 15:33

"Have a Mice birthday, best Fishes..."

peacefully84 19

Send a private message

Saturday 14 December 2013 2:22

Happy Birthday!

adamfromaus 9

Send a private message

Saturday 14 December 2013 2:22

happy birthday OP

awilliams44 9

Send a private message

Saturday 14 December 2013 2:24

Awwww that's kinda cute considering cats don't speak. Well happy birthday!

LowExpectations 30

Send a private message

Saturday 14 December 2013 4:18

Of course they don't speak! That would be absurd. Cats use Facebook to convey their thoughts, duh.

drshn 22

Send a private message

Saturday 14 December 2013 9:27

Really!!! That's what you took away.

Kiki242 19

Send a private message

Saturday 14 December 2013 2:26

That's better than no happy birthdays at all. Not to mention the ones you'll receive from the FML community. Happy birthday, OP.

VeganVampyre 26

Send a private message

Sunday 15 December 2013 6:05

I dunno... Having your mom say happy birthday from the Facebook page she made for her cat is pretty pathetic...

Phoebe_Buffay 14

Send a private message

Saturday 14 December 2013 2:27

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, OP!!!

icryevrytime 7

Send a private message

Saturday 14 December 2013 2:29

happy birthday!

birdiebby92 1

Send a private message

Saturday 14 December 2013 2:29

happy birthday!!!

DocBastard 38

Send a private message

Saturday 14 December 2013 2:29

And now you'll get 184 more from random FML users who don't actually give a fuck about you but want to look like nice people. Happy fucking birthday.

CJB3228 17

Send a private message

Saturday 14 December 2013 5:13

...and many fucking more.

lesley3r3 22

Send a private message

Saturday 14 December 2013 12:43

Omg haha

Headcrab 29

Send a private message

Saturday 14 December 2013 2:29

happy bday ;-)

xnyletak 17

Send a private message

Saturday 14 December 2013 2:30

This is going to sound rude but your life could be worse. I mean, you could have a real problem.

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15

You deserved it 5

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Today, my daughter finally learned that you can’t sleep your way to success, after she tried and failed to seduce her married boss, was sacked, and blacklisted as a potential lawsuit throughout every company specialising in her chosen career field. FML

I agree, your life sucks 433

You deserved it 127

Today, I was diagnosed with a meat allergy. You can imagine the jokes my boyfriend has been thinking up since we found out I can’t "handle his meat" in my mouth anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 757

You deserved it 110

Net!

Plebs need not apply.

You made them use coasters, Monica

Nice try

What?

Panic!

Priorities

Add a comment - Reply to : #

Top comments

Comments