Miscellaneous: Today, it's my birthday. The only "happy birthday"s I got were... - FML

By carboncoach - Egypt

Today, it's my birthday. The only "happy birthday"s I got were from my mom, her Facebook account, and the Facebook account she made for her cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44704

You deserved it

3375

Tweet

Share

Commando

Projection

Surrounded

By J.O.S - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I was stabbed in the chest. Not with a knife though, the under-wire from my bra escaped and stabbed me in the boob. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27506

You deserved it

3317

Tweet

Share

By "leahkasscar"

Today, I'm stuck in a car with my sister who is currently having a screaming match with her boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1852

You deserved it

132

Tweet

Share

By wtf - United Kingdom

Today, I shat out a staple. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42523

You deserved it

17937

Tweet

Share

By Deborah - United States

Today, I saw my upstairs neighbor outside getting the mail. She asked how my day was, and then apologized that the sound of her baby's crying through the walls kept me up last night. Apparently she heard me when I yelled at 2am for her fucking demon spawn to shut up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16736

You deserved it

40232

Tweet

Share

By philderichmond - United States

Today, I met a cute girl at a dance club. I entered her number in my phone just before she left the club. With a proud smile, I turned the screen towards my buddy, showing off my accomplishment. Attempting to give me a friendly pat he accidentally closed my phone. I hadn't saved the number. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42039

You deserved it

17501

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, while I was on the toilet, my cat managed to climb up behind me, slip and then grip itself to my bare ass. In my haste to get away from the cat, I pooped on the toilet without noticing. Until I sat back down. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29711

You deserved it

5939

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Tampa

Today, a girl I've never met before came up to me and punched me in the face, because she wanted to get suspended. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54003

You deserved it

4219

Tweet

Share

By Colormered - France

Today, I spent all day organizing a list of electronic parts for my boss. I found the easiest way was to color problem parts in the spreadsheet red and okay parts green. After I finished at the end of the day, I found out my boss is red-green colorblind. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32292

You deserved it

3559

Tweet

Share

By Fired

Today, I stepped outside my office building for a smoke break and I witnessed a mugging so I ran over to stop it. I succeeded in getting mugged instead of the original target. I then couldn't get into my building until a coworker left an hour later. My boss was mad and still doesn't believe me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31934

You deserved it

5647

Tweet

Share

By potatoebee - United States - Clover

Today, my four-year-old son decided to bite my butt during prayer at church. The entire sanctuary heard me instinctively swear at him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16652

You deserved it

27126

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was feeling sick but went into my waitressing job because I'd already missed 3 days this week. I was dizzy and managed to spill a tray of drinks all over the customers. Then, when their food was done, I tripped and spilled hot chili all over the man's lap. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25934

You deserved it

11905

Tweet

Share

By anonymous

Today, I broke my glasses. How did I break my glasses? A cow kicked me in the face at work. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2775

You deserved it

232

Tweet

Share

By Hank-T4 - Australia - Truganina

Today, while looking through my son's browser history, I found a Google search for "stop looking in my history u nosey cunt". I swore last week that I don't invade his privacy, so I can't even punish him for the bad language without looking like a lying bastard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13006

You deserved it

46046

Tweet

Share

By HaliMali - United States - Hastings

Today, trying to do a good deed, I gave a homeless guy a $10 bill. As I walked away, he yelled after me, "You fucking bitch!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

33322

You deserved it

3678

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I lost control of my vehicle while driving. The car went off the road, rolled over, and ended up being totaled. The policeman asked me if I was alright and I said I was. He seemed relieved at my answer. Then he handed me a $300 ticket for failing to maintain my lane. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23280

You deserved it

5984

Tweet

Share

By Jordan - United States

Today, my friend paypal'd me some money to tide me over until my school loans come through. For a transaction description, he wrote "to get back in that pussy game." It got red flagged, and I had to talk with three female customer service agents before it went through. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44779

You deserved it

4532

Tweet

Share

By sunitgir

Gordon Ramsey is furious

Today, my mother decided to cook dinner for us and used rice that she had in her cupboard. While helping out, I stirred the dish and noticed black flecks. Turns out they were rice weevils. She tried to convince me it was "burnt garlic" and served it to the rest of the family. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1559

You deserved it

100

Tweet

Share

By Pisser - United States - Portland

Today, my sweet 7-month-old puppy ran up to a big fat dog at the park and did what she always does: roll over on her back to start to play. The big fat dog lifted his leg and peed all over my puppy's belly. After the shock, my soaking wet puppy jumped on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51092

You deserved it

5687

Tweet

Share

By Fykkhttdsetkkhvln - United States

Today, I was snuggling with my neighbors four week old kitten while babysitting their kids. I fell asleep, rolled over, and woke up next to a dead kitten. FML

I agree, your life sucks

77667

You deserved it

58019

Tweet

Share

By im_radd - United States

Today, while in the waiting room at the chiropractor's office, I thought I'd be sexy and flash my boyfriend. Forgetting that my iPhone was in the front pocket of my hoodie, I lifted it quickly and hit myself in the mouth. Now I have a fat bloody lip and a boyfriend who can't stop laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8717

You deserved it

46856

Tweet

Share

By internetadvice - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she found out that she wasn't really in love with me. She got that advice from an internet survey. FML

I agree, your life sucks

70281

You deserved it

8948

Tweet

Share

By BlueB - United States

Today, I realized that I am such a Grammar Nazi that when a porn star says something grammatically-incorrect, I lose my boner. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51746

You deserved it

20824

Tweet

Share

By Jenn

Today, in my lifeguarding course, I had to pull a 200-pound boy out of the pool in an exercise to practice using our legs when lifting. I, being only 90 pounds, tried pulling and ended up falling into the pool, landing with my lady parts on his face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8050

You deserved it

792

Tweet

Share

By alealovespurple - Canada

Today, I went through my 15 year old daughter's internet history. On google she searched 'Excuses to get away from your dad' and 5 other variations of the same thing. We were supposed to be having a father daughter day tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53743

You deserved it

17177

Tweet

Share

By segal1010 - United States - Potomac

Today, I found out that my mom has linked my iPhone with her iPad and has been secretly reading my texts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40768

You deserved it

4279

Tweet

Share

By Noname - United States

Today, I figured I'd throw my ex-boyfriend a compliment and told him how "gifted" he was below the belt. He thinks he's paying me a compliment when he tells me how much he loves that little roll of skin that pops up over the top of my pants when I sit down. I'm trying to lose weight, asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25910

You deserved it

8276

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Tampa

Today, it's the first day of fall. It's also the day that over 20 people have made jokes about my name being "Autumn" like they're the funniest, most original people alive. It's not even 8 am. This is going to be a long day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35988

You deserved it

3433

Tweet

Share

By 13a5ic H1p5t3r - United States - Spencer

Today, I told my best friend that I was gay and that I liked him. Turns out he's very open about the topic. Basically, he kissed me and then slapped me. I don't know what that's supposed to mean. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17448

You deserved it

1875

Tweet

Share

By thisbethed - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boss made up a rumor that I was quitting my job so I wouldn't get the promotion that was coming up. There goes that raise I've been wanting for six months. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24840

You deserved it

1507

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mother asked my live-in girlfriend if she's had any problems with me peeing the bed. I haven't wet the bed since I was seven and I'd hoped to take that secret to my grave. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30417

You deserved it

2989

Tweet

Share

By ragsy - United States

Today, I finally went to Home Depot to buy a chainsaw to cut down the tree leaning dangerously over my garage. When I got home, I found the tree had fallen and taken out the roof while I was shopping. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47189

You deserved it

8258

Tweet

Share

By StungAlot

Today, I got stung by jellyfish. As I writhed in pain on the beach, my dad comes up and asks me to be quiet, that I'm embarrassing him. He also mentioned that jellyfish were out today and that I should be careful. Thanks, dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1742

You deserved it

169

Tweet

Share

By Alittlebitiffy - Australia - Caloundra

Today, for the 16th day in a row, my husband slept in the guest room because he doesn't want to disturb the dogs once they've fallen asleep on our bed, so they don't hate him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9027

You deserved it

1256

Tweet

Share

By movingout - Australia - Ringwood

Today, I heard an owl near my house. I got excited, as they are not common in the area, and I listened intently to try and locate the source of the sound. After a few minutes, I realized I was not listening to an owl, but to my mother's sex noises. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51449

You deserved it

5277

Tweet

Share

By zep - United States

Today, I was hard at work cleaning up from a party I had while my parents were out for the night. Not a bottle of beer or a red cup was left for them to find. However, my parents did find two of my friends in their bedroom, still passed out and naked from beer and sex last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20281

You deserved it

79245

Tweet

Share

By climbing the walls - 30/9/2020 17:02 - United States

Alexa, play "Boredom" by Buzzcocks

Today, it’s been nearly six months since our state has been on lockdown. My boyfriend the introvert has never been happier. Meanwhile, I, the extrovert, have been bored to literal tears from the lack of human interactions and travel. There’s only so much Netflix and reading I can do. FML

I agree, your life sucks

902

You deserved it

367

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I left for college. I spent hundreds of dollars on clothes, bedding and other things. After packing my entire closet and everything else I needed, I left only to have to head back home. My dad forgot to pay the first semesters tuition. He said "Oh well, you would have failed out anyway." FML

I agree, your life sucks

56628

You deserved it

3868

Tweet

Share

By KillMeNow - United Kingdom

Today, on my first day of being a trainee teacher in a classroom, I told a boy to stop using that stupid accent or else I'll give him a detention. Turns out he just moved here from Romania. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9758

You deserved it

73903

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, in a fit of jealousy over my recent muscle growth, my brother told our mom that I've only been going to the gym so I could smoke weed with my friends. She believed him and grounded me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45519

You deserved it

2935

Tweet

Share

By isuckasawaitress - Singapore

Today, it was my first day at work as a waitress. The day ended with me owing my employers money, after I accidentally smashed an expensive bottle of wine on the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27782

You deserved it

5177

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By DocBastard | 38

#5791172 - Saturday 14 December 2013 2:29

And now you'll get 184 more from random FML users who don't actually give a fuck about you but want to look like nice people.

Happy fucking birthday.

By Nyx_fml | 23

#5791140 - Saturday 14 December 2013 2:20

Did the kitten say, "Have a purrfect birthday!"? So many cat puns could have been made.

COMMENTS

By Nyx_fml | 23

#5791140 - Saturday 14 December 2013 2:20

Did the kitten say, "Have a purrfect birthday!"? So many cat puns could have been made.

Reply

9gagnFml | 8

#5791221 - Saturday 14 December 2013 2:57

Happy Birthday!
Have a good day!
May your dreams come true!

Reply

Nyx_fml | 23

#5791245 - Saturday 14 December 2013 3:18

Thank you! How did you even know it was my birthday?! Oh, wait ... no, it's not my birthday :(

Reply

ashalayx | 13

#5791316 - Saturday 14 December 2013 4:38

thats a CATastrophe

Reply

Aligator67 | 12

#5792157 - Saturday 14 December 2013 21:36

It's my birthday, but nobody cares.

Reply

melbournearsenal | 18

#5799005 - Friday 20 December 2013 15:33

"Have a Mice birthday, best Fishes..."

By peacefully84 | 19

#5791151 - Saturday 14 December 2013 2:22

Happy Birthday!

By adamfromaus | 9

#5791152 - Saturday 14 December 2013 2:22

happy birthday OP

By awilliams44 | 9

#5791157 - Saturday 14 December 2013 2:24

Awwww that's kinda cute considering cats don't speak. Well happy birthday!

Reply

LowExpectations | 30

#5791285 - Saturday 14 December 2013 4:18

Of course they don't speak! That would be absurd. Cats use Facebook to convey their thoughts, duh.

Reply

drshn | 22

#5791606 - Saturday 14 December 2013 9:27

Really!!! That's what you took away.

By Kiki242 | 19

#5791163 - Saturday 14 December 2013 2:26

That's better than no happy birthdays at all. Not to mention the ones you'll receive from the FML community. Happy birthday, OP.

Reply

VeganVampyre | 26

#5792721 - Sunday 15 December 2013 6:05

I dunno... Having your mom say happy birthday from the Facebook page she made for her cat is pretty pathetic...

By Phoebe_Buffay | 14

#5791167 - Saturday 14 December 2013 2:27

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, OP!!!

Reply

icryevrytime | 7

#5791173 - Saturday 14 December 2013 2:29

happy birthday!

By birdiebby92 | 1

#5791170 - Saturday 14 December 2013 2:29

happy birthday!!!

By DocBastard | 38

#5791172 - Saturday 14 December 2013 2:29

And now you'll get 184 more from random FML users who don't actually give a fuck about you but want to look like nice people.

Happy fucking birthday.

Reply

CJB3228 | 17

#5791377 - Saturday 14 December 2013 5:13

...and many fucking more.

Reply

lesley3r3 | 22

#5791686 - Saturday 14 December 2013 12:43

Omg haha

By Headcrab | 29

#5791174 - Saturday 14 December 2013 2:29

happy bday ;-)

By xnyletak | 17

#5791175 - Saturday 14 December 2013 2:30

This is going to sound rude but your life could be worse. I mean, you could have a real problem.