Today, the C-train was packed and I was stuck with a homeless...

By Julie - 31/3/2009 01:43 - Canada

Today, the C-train was packed and I was stuck with a homeless man pressed up against me. He was staring at me intently, and two minutes into the ride he got an erection, which was rubbed against me at every single bump and turn of the train. FML

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Intimacy

Cold-blooded old times

Boozehound

The best cat

By :-O - 14/4/2019 12:00

Today, I came home from work early only to find my naked roommate in the living room with his ass in the air. Apparently, he was doing an experiment to see if you can launch a ball of tissue paper into the air by placing it on your bare anus and farting. FML

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By WOCOACH - 9/9/2009 19:33 - United States

Today, I woke up to my 8 month old son happy as can be. I could hear him laughing over the monitor. When I walked into the room, he had somehow got his diaper off and was holding onto his new found penis. He thought it was hysterical when it went off and shot urine everywhere. FML

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By MirandaJones - 20/3/2015 14:41 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was helping out during the school play's interval. My head of year jokingly asked me to follow him around with these mini cocktail sausages for the rest of the school year. I thought it would be witty to reply, "Does that make me your official sausage holder?" FML

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By Anonymous - 21/11/2011 16:23 - United States

Today, while watching a man in front of me on the bus remove his cap to scratch his noggin, I noticed the swarm of dandruff that was about to nail me in my face. FML

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By theleague - 9/10/2010 04:15 - United States

Today, when I arrived at the airport for my international flight there was no record of my ticket in the system. Turns out the flight was yesterday. FML

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By zitroskies - 7/10/2009 00:04 - United States

Today, I was walking out of class when I saw a girl enthusiastically run to her boyfriend, jump on him, and smother him with kisses. I thought to myself "I wish my girlfriend did that." When the girl jumped off and turned around I realized she did, just not to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2017 11:08

Today, I accidentally covfefe

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2009 20:18 - United Kingdom

Today, my friend and I were arguing over whose boyfriend was better. Just as I was about to convince her, my boyfriend rang. Trying to start the perfect conversation, I put him on speaker phone and answered "Hey Tiger, I was just thinking about you". He broke up with me on speaker. FML

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By skrewedguy - 8/12/2011 03:33 - United States

Today, my girlfriend left me. Knowing that I am a germaphobe, she took all of my cleaning supplies and spread mud and trash everywhere. FML

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By OuchImAMoron - 29/11/2013 02:05 - United States - Old Bridge

Today, I was cleaning a pocketknife when I noticed a spider on my leg. My first reaction was to stab it. FML

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By anon - 4/12/2009 10:35 - Australia

Today, I got a birthday card in the mail from my aunt. I got all excited when I saw a cheque inside, but the cheque was addressed to the wrong name. Not only did my own aunt forget my name, I couldn't even bank the $60. FML

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By Noname - 22/1/2009 08:29 - United States

Today, my parents woke me up in the middle of the night when they got in a huge argument and started yelling at each other. I was up all night. They decided to make it up to each other. They kept me up all night again. FML

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By melissa1028 - 18/10/2014 02:23 - United States

Today, I sent my fiancé a sexy picture while I was at work. I never got a response from him, so I gave him a call after a while. His 9-year-old son answered. Apparently he was getting a haircut at the time. FML

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By LifeInShambles - 10/5/2019 10:00

Today, I decided to turn my life around by finding a job, going to a gym, and getting counselling. Counselling is £145 a month. A gym would be £50 a month minimum, and there's an 8-year gap in my resumé, and everyone says no one will hire me because of it. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2012 14:22 - United States - Cottonwood

Today, I started my first day of work at our local humane society. I asked where the break room was, so my coworker directed me to a small room in the back of the building. The only place I get to take my lunch break is the same room where they euthanize, freeze and cremate the animals. FML

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By minette08 - 29/1/2010 21:38 - United States

Today, I discovered that the seal on my driver's door is defective. I made this discovery when I got rained on while I was getting my car washed. FML

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By not jacked - 20/4/2016 11:35 - United States - East Hartford

Today, my friend spotted for me while I was lifting a barbell. He thought it would be hilarious to tickle my armpits as I lifted it all the way up. I can still taste vomit in my mouth and it hurts to breathe. FML

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By Username - 1/7/2010 04:55 - France

Today, I found out that while getting your hair cut, you should say 'yes' or 'no', instead of nodding your head. FML

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By 3023-dang - 15/10/2012 20:27 - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend is four months pregnant. She can't wait for us to be parents. I guess she forgot that I haven't seen her in 7 months. FML

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By ApparentlyIFail - 20/11/2009 09:30 - France

Today, my girlfriend of two years broke up with me so she could "let her life flow in the direction she wants." Apparently that includes smoking, stealing and making out with other girls at parties. The best part? She wants to get back together "after she matures and gets it out of her system." FML

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By Zoey_M - 8/7/2013 23:26 - Saudi Arabia - Riyadh

Today, my older brother told me that the only reason I like cats is because they control minds. I laughed. He was serious. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2009 11:29 - Canada

Today, I found out that, because i'm a student, the employees I train make more than me. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2017 19:00 - United States - Higginsville

Today, I was home from college and went to eat at a local mexican place. The manager started yelling at me about an unpaid tab. Apparently, my dad likes to drink there and skipped on his tab. Again. FML

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By Aspireworks - 29/1/2013 22:46 - United States

Today, my fiancé's mother came up to me and told me she loves that I stuck with my soon-to-be husband despite his history and condition. I have no idea what she's talking about, and she refuses to tell me. FML

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By TheFlash - 22/6/2009 01:15 - United States

Today, I was down at Disney World. Me and my buddy decided to take our pictures in a photobooth. While in the tiny space, I thought it'd be funny to flash the camera. A women barged in as soon as I did so, screaming "You know there's an outside video feed, right!?" FML

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By JohnyP - 9/7/2011 07:04 - United States

Today, after having my car been broken into the day before because I didn't lock it, I made sure I locked my doors. When I got off shift and entered the parking lot, I noticed a brick had been thrown through my windshield and a note that said, "Nice Try". FML

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By wickedbeauty333 - 26/9/2012 22:54 - United States - Katy

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, he came. This was a good thing, except when he did he started bellowing the Imperial March theme from Star Wars. When I asked him about it, all he said was, "I thought you'd like it." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2010 17:32 - United States

Today, I found myself crying in the bathroom because I started to feel lonely and depressed. My mother came into the bathroom, hearing me cry and gave me an hour long speech about what a beautiful human being I am... And to not forget to lose weight. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2009 22:57 - United States

Today, I woke up in a complete daze. It took me a few minutes to realize what had happened. Apparently my sleepwalking problems have returned, only this time I managed to overdose myself with Nyquil. As a result, I slept for fourteen hours, wet my sheets and lost my job. FML

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By stagedivefail - 19/8/2009 14:36 - Australia

Today, my band played its first real gig. It was going well, and I, the vocalist, thought it would be a good idea to stage dive. I underestimated the distance between the stage and the crowd and crashed into the floor. FML

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By Chelsea - 27/2/2013 22:39 - United States - Aurora

Today, I walked outside to this guy attempting to steal my bike. When I asked him what he was doing he calmly replied, "I'm a bike inspector. You hooked your chain all wrong! This time is a warning; next time it'll be a ticket!" He then threw his full, opened Pepsi can at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2012 15:20 - United States

Today, my husband was planning on getting me my favorite movie as an anniversary present; I ended up buying it. He had to give me the money and leave because he is severely arachnophobic and couldn't even pick up the box. I have to hide the movie for fear of it being destroyed. Again. FML

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By shocked1 - 7/1/2009 15:22 - Canada

Today, I was doing a local search at SexSearch.com and I found my sister's profile. FML

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By only child says fuck you mom - 10/4/2016 14:56 - United States - Holly Springs

Today, I overheard my mom talking to a friend on the phone. What caught my attention was when she said: "You ever look at your kid and just think... 'Fuck. Where'd I go wrong?'" FML

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By sad - 25/10/2011 10:15 - Reserved

Today, my parents got rid of our detachable shower head. Looks like I'm single again. FML

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By girlmeetsworld - 18/2/2009 23:27 - United States

Today, my four-year-old cousin gave me a hug, basically stuffing his face into my crotch. Then he pulled it out and said "Ew, that's stinky" in front of my entire class. FML

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By Shampoodle - 11/10/2017 21:45

Today, I found out that my mom uses my incredibly expensive conditioner to wash her two dogs every single weekend. No wonder they smell so good. FML

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By smellychick - 14/3/2018 11:00 - United States - Hesperia

Today, my boyfriend dumped me for being a "cheating whore" when he found men’s deodorant in my bathroom cabinet. I just have abnormally strong B.O. and men’s deodorant works better for me. According to him, "No girl sweats that much." FML

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By tammy - 27/6/2012 05:05 - United States - Inglewood

Today, while cashiering at the drug store, I saw my ex-boyfriend, who I'm still completely in love with. Being the only cashier, I had to ring him up. He was buying condoms. FML

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By anon - 16/3/2015 04:10 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. I thought everything went well, until I got a text from him later saying, "Come on mom, she isn't THAT bad." FML

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Top comments

By blland | 0

#72027 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 9:32

kick him in the nuts, stupid!

By ohhlala_fml | 0

#72029 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 9:33

hahaha wtf, i would have gotten off as soon as possible

Comments

By blland | 0

#72027 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 9:32

kick him in the nuts, stupid!

tokintot07 | 0

#902661 - Monday 1 March 2010 4:25

has anyone noticed that this story ha been posted already, expect the homeless guy was an old guy?

ryguy997 | 0

#936649 - Thursday 11 March 2010 19:31

you musta enjoyed it if u didn't move.

ilovefatcats | 12

#966024 - Monday 22 March 2010 0:51

atleast he thinks ur smexy

GiddyXD | 0

#980655 - Friday 16 April 2010 23:59

yeah #133 i saw that one.

underaegis | 0

#1327068 - Tuesday 31 August 2010 9:43

...OP is genderless. this either means the man is a sex preaditor or a faggot

By ohhlala_fml | 0

#72029 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 9:33

hahaha wtf, i would have gotten off as soon as possible

TehGirreth | 0

#2216766 - Monday 21 March 2011 16:13

Really? I would have turned around and rubbed MY erection on HIS leg. Show him how it feels.

By Roxas_fml | 0

#72030 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 9:33

I agree with #1.

By littlemuffet | 0

#72039 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 9:36

Was he hot?

danceforever51 | 4

#3927200 - Monday 23 January 2012 3:26

He was homeless

okay17 | 7

#5903611 - Thursday 3 April 2014 4:29

Doesn't mean he can't be hot. Homeless doesn't necessarily equal old or undesirable.

By thecheesecakeman | 0

#72040 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 9:37

Haha C-train. Calgary? That's pretty funny but sad for you. You shoulda moved away and/or "accidently" punched him.

Lutterfly | 0

#885270 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 14:45

Indeed!

tedirvine | 2

#1266977 - Thursday 19 August 2010 6:43

I live in Calgary!

hockeygu | 3

#5263895 - Thursday 20 December 2012 7:34

That's what I thought when I read it too!

By tarheel_fan | 0

#72055 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 9:44

Wow that sucks haha. Was the homeless man packin' meat?

outlawjavis | 11

#6254870 - Tuesday 7 April 2015 7:50

well if your taking pictures then it must be your phone right?

By mf_fml | 0

#72065 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 9:51

don't give a fuck,
woulda called one of my friends with the opening line, "so i got this rash today and went to the doctor, and he says it could be something really serious..."

By kbtoys | 2

#72071 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 9:53

Even homeless guys need a little lovin'.

By nodbor | 11

#72086 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 10:01

#2, in what way do you mean that?

ILUVMSC | 5

#2462194 - Thursday 5 May 2011 7:26

lol, ya weirdo...ha ;)

By youreawhore | 0

#72091 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 10:05

wtf.
HAHAHAHAHA, I'm sorry. I feel bad for you, and really sorry, but it's kind of funny.
Though if I were in that situation, I would have been really horrified, and would have got off the train at the next stop.