Today, the C-train was packed and I was stuck with a homeless...

By Julie - 31/3/2009 01:43 - Canada

Today, the C-train was packed and I was stuck with a homeless man pressed up against me. He was staring at me intently, and two minutes into the ride he got an erection, which was rubbed against me at every single bump and turn of the train. FML

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Intimacy

Social distancing gone wrong

Breaking Badly

The end of the road

By accidentalnorman - 7/12/2015 10:11

Today, I got back from a week long holiday with my new girlfriend. I started thinking about her whilst talking to my parents and reflexively cupped my mother's ass. FML

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By ugh mom! - 22/4/2020 20:00

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

Today, my ridiculously paranoid mom was almost arrested after she caused a huge scene outside her apartment's leasing office. She demanded to pay her rent with a money order, even though they’re only accepting online payments due to the quarantine. She thinks they’re trying to steal her information. FML

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By feckingnasty - 26/1/2018 19:00

Today, I watched my husband pick his dead foot skin and say, "That's a keeper!" before putting it in his mouth. FML

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By bored - 12/9/2019 00:02

I Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself

Today, I found a deck of Uno cards. Being extremely bored, I decided to put them in order. I now know EXACTLY which cards I'm missing. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/4/2015 15:18 - United States

Today, the pills my doctor prescribed for my extremely painful period cramps apparently have a side effect; excruciatingly painful cramps. I feel like I'm being repeatedly stabbed in the ovaries with a rusty fork. FML

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By notlilien - 14/11/2018 15:30

Today, my boss created a WhatsApp group called "Forever Alone", added me and only me, and then left so that I could be the only person in the group. FML

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By frigid - 12/10/2011 01:05

Today, I found out my landlord is too cheap to turn up the hot water tank enough to have a comfortable shower. There's a huge padlock on the door, she won't budge, and I'm signed in until December. FML

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By Nickie809 - 17/9/2012 14:59 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I moved into my new apartment. I was feeling really excited until my new neighbor knocked on my door and left me what looks like rabbit ears on my welcome mat. He just stared at me expectantly as though I should be thankful. FML

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By JohnMackSquirts - 19/3/2009 05:15 - United States

Today, I slept over at my friend's house but forgot my glasses. When I woke up in the morning, I came out of his room and forcefully kicked what I thought was a soccer ball on the floor. Turns out it was his miniature poodle - it fell down a long flight of stairs. FML

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By maxmess - 21/6/2016 21:39

Today, I'm staying with my in-laws. I'm obsessive about cleanliness and neatness. They're candidates for a certain show about hoarders. I want to shower in bleach. FML

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By disturbed2103 - 9/7/2009 00:07 - United States

Today, I was looking at my friend's dad's Facebook pictures because he recently posted a status update. I saw him at a bar with some ugly hooker that he was feeling up in almost every picture. After about 10 minutes of ridiculing and laughing at this ugly woman, I realize it's my mom in a wig. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2014 00:19 - United States - Farmingdale

Today, I ran one of the hardest cross-country courses in the country. I'm a pretty good runner, and I was feeling confident for the first mile. Then the chipotle from last night's dinner hit, and my legs weren't the only thing running. FML

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By deadinavan - 13/10/2010 12:57 - Germany

Today, I found out the man I'm getting a ride from drives a windowless van and is "excited to see me". My friends had encouraged me to sign up for the cheap-ride program because it was less expensive than taking a train. If I never come back, look for a windowless van somewhere in Europe. FML

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By hborkowski - 27/12/2012 04:03 - United States - Asheville

Today, I went to a urinal next to an elderly gentleman. As I was doing my business, he zips up and begins to leave. On his way out, he leans over my shoulder and whispers in my ear, "That's nice". FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2015 09:11 - United Kingdom

Today, the canine behaviour course I am studying released a new assignment in which I need to film myself teaching a dog a new trick. The only dog I have access to is my sister's neurotic, anxious Chihuahua who bites at any sudden noise. FML

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By Told_You_So - 9/7/2009 06:33 - United States

Today, I was in the car with my mom and dad. My mom turned around and asked, "Have you had sex yet?" I said no, which is true. My dad cracked up and said, "Told you so!" My mom frowned, took out her wallet, and handed him $20. My parents bet on my nonexistent sex life. FML

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By cockroach - 27/9/2009 15:52 - United States

Today, I saw a cockroach on the ceiling. Immediately I got a stick to smack it down. When I hit it, it fell and landed in my mouth. Karma much? FML

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By all arsed out - 6/3/2016 16:50 - United Kingdom - Spalding

Today, I suffered an uncontrollable sneezing attack. I have the runs. It wasn't exactly as bad as I'd have expected. Just a lot worse. FML

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By uncbballwins - 27/4/2011 04:21

Today, after shopping alone at a grocery store, I was taking my groceries back to my car when a kid grabbed one of my bags and ran. Deciding not to risk leaving the rest of my groceries stranded, I didn't chase him. Later, I realized that was the bag my credit card was in. FML

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By Nicole - 13/3/2010 19:16 - United States

Today, I discovered my mom had sold all of our summer clothes over the winter on eBay because we're short on cash. However, I am allowed to cut off the sleeves of all my long sleeve shirts and the legs off my jeans to stay cool in the summer. Nothing's more attractive than looking trashy, right? FML

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By erin1985 - 22/2/2010 00:31 - Australia

Today, I was out on a date with a guy. I leaned down to get something out of my bag and hit my head on some protruding concrete. I said I was fine. Then blood came running down my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2011 17:15 - Belgium

Today, I found out that the candy bracelet my sister gave me a few days ago was actually a candy cock ring she'd used on her boyfriend just a few hours prior. Apparently, she didn't like the taste. I however, did. FML

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By tigger2013 - 3/8/2013 04:01 - Australia - Cheltenham

Today, my wife of 12 years informed me that the only sexual activity she is interested in is foreplay, and she absolutely doesn't want to go any further than that anymore. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2014 19:33 - United States - Fresno

Today, my 15-year-old son told me that he and his new girlfriend are deeply in love and are meant for each other. The "girlfriend" in question? My fiancé's 12-year old daughter. FML

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By Jade - 15/10/2016 11:22 - United Kingdom - Wembley

Today, after a week of rejoicing that my petty, passive-aggressive, bullying neighbours were moving away, I came home to find the "to let" board had been outside the wrong house the whole time. It's actually the people I really like who are moving away. FML

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By pickuptruckblues - 17/11/2014 04:17 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, I was stopped behind a pickup truck filled with junk. I told my friend that the person should have secured the junk better, since it looked like it would fall off any minute. My friend assured me it wouldn't. Right after she said that, a large piece of plywood fell off and hit my windshield. FML

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By cheated - 6/7/2019 22:03

Today, I found out my "wonderful" boyfriend was recently dumped by another woman, not just after he started stalking her, but after he wrote her a love letter in his own blood. FML

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By LikeAndreTheGiant - 13/2/2017 22:00 - United States

Today, I noticed my doctor has freakishly huge hands. This normally wouldn't have bothered me were I not there for a prostate exam. FML

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By jjoker - 30/12/2019 14:00 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I went to the toilet to do a number 2. As I went to wipe, the toilet paper slipped out of my hand and I before my brain could register, I wiped my ass with my bare hand.. I also had curry the night before, so yeah. FML

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By swmmr - 7/8/2011 19:41 - United States

Today, my dad suggested that as an alternative to buying me new school clothes that actually fit, I should just join the swim team, lose some weight, and wear my stuff from last year. FML

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By lmao4eva93 - 2/7/2010 04:21 - United States

Today, I discovered my former boss from the job I quit 3 months is now my boss at my new job. He was the reason I quit my old job. FML

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By cls_x - 24/2/2013 07:53 - United States - Riverview

Today, I was holding the door open for a friend. She told me to wait a second because she had to finish a text. Nearly a minute passed before I asked why she wouldn't come inside to finish typing. We were at a Chinese restaurant. She thought the "No MSG" sign meant you couldn't text inside. FML

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By william - 22/1/2009 23:22 - United States

Today, I made fun of my friend when she tripped over the curb. I said, loudly, "Haha, you can't even walk." I then notice the man in the wheelchair a few feet ahead of us. FML

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By not funny but :( - 28/3/2013 16:24 - United States - Wooster

Today, while on vacation, I think I met my soul-mate, and quite possibly the love of my life. My vacation is to celebrate my 8-year anniversary with my husband. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2020 05:00

Almost done

Today, as I was trying to have some “self pleasure” time, my cat, WHO NEVER CUDDLES WITH ME, decides to come up and sit on my thigh. FML

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By Elizabeth Ann - 19/11/2018 12:00

Today, I no longer need an alarm clock. My cat has learned to jump on my boobs at precisely 7:30 every morning. If I don't get up immediately, she just keeps jumping on my boobs. I'm an E cup. FML

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By DeeDee - 4/2/2014 22:08 - Austria - Vienna

Today, my brother came to my first standup comedy act. He'd apparently read my material beforehand, and kept finishing my jokes for me. FML

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By Anon - 6/6/2009 05:10 - United States

Today, I was driving behind a UPS truck. All of a sudden his back door opens up exposing some boxes ready to fall out. Like a good driver I speed up to drive beside him to tell him. He thought I was trying to cut him off so he accelerated. A box flies out and dents my windshield. FML

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By novaguy - 24/2/2015 16:15 - United States

Today, I learned that, when choking on a piece of food, you can cough hard enough to partially prolapse a hemorrhoid. FML

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By DreDre - 12/12/2019 03:00

The charity

Today, I found out that the dude I love has been taking the money I used to support him and buying heroin with it. FML

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Top comments

By blland | 0

#72027 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 9:32

kick him in the nuts, stupid!

By ohhlala_fml | 0

#72029 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 9:33

hahaha wtf, i would have gotten off as soon as possible

COMMENTS

By blland | 0

#72027 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 9:32

kick him in the nuts, stupid!

tokintot07 | 0

#902661 - Monday 1 March 2010 4:25

has anyone noticed that this story ha been posted already, expect the homeless guy was an old guy?

ryguy997 | 0

#936649 - Thursday 11 March 2010 19:31

you musta enjoyed it if u didn't move.

ilovefatcats | 12

#966024 - Monday 22 March 2010 0:51

atleast he thinks ur smexy

GiddyXD | 0

#980655 - Friday 16 April 2010 23:59

yeah #133 i saw that one.

underaegis | 0

#1327068 - Tuesday 31 August 2010 9:43

...OP is genderless. this either means the man is a sex preaditor or a faggot

By ohhlala_fml | 0

#72029 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 9:33

hahaha wtf, i would have gotten off as soon as possible

TehGirreth | 0

#2216766 - Monday 21 March 2011 16:13

Really? I would have turned around and rubbed MY erection on HIS leg. Show him how it feels.

By Roxas_fml | 0

#72030 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 9:33

I agree with #1.

By littlemuffet | 0

#72039 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 9:36

Was he hot?

danceforever51 | 4

#3927200 - Monday 23 January 2012 3:26

He was homeless

okay17 | 7

#5903611 - Thursday 3 April 2014 4:29

Doesn't mean he can't be hot. Homeless doesn't necessarily equal old or undesirable.

By thecheesecakeman | 0

#72040 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 9:37

Haha C-train. Calgary? That's pretty funny but sad for you. You shoulda moved away and/or "accidently" punched him.

Lutterfly | 0

#885270 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 14:45

Indeed!

tedirvine | 2

#1266977 - Thursday 19 August 2010 6:43

I live in Calgary!

hockeygu | 3

#5263895 - Thursday 20 December 2012 7:34

That's what I thought when I read it too!

By tarheel_fan | 0

#72055 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 9:44

Wow that sucks haha. Was the homeless man packin' meat?

outlawjavis | 11

#6254870 - Tuesday 7 April 2015 7:50

well if your taking pictures then it must be your phone right?

By mf_fml | 0

#72065 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 9:51

don't give a fuck,
woulda called one of my friends with the opening line, "so i got this rash today and went to the doctor, and he says it could be something really serious..."

By kbtoys | 2

#72071 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 9:53

Even homeless guys need a little lovin'.

By nodbor | 11

#72086 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 10:01

#2, in what way do you mean that?

ILUVMSC | 5

#2462194 - Thursday 5 May 2011 7:26

lol, ya weirdo...ha ;)

By youreawhore | 0

#72091 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 10:05

wtf.
HAHAHAHAHA, I'm sorry. I feel bad for you, and really sorry, but it's kind of funny.
Though if I were in that situation, I would have been really horrified, and would have got off the train at the next stop.