Intimacy: Today, the C-train was packed and I was stuck with a homeless...

By Julie - Canada

Today, the C-train was packed and I was stuck with a homeless man pressed up against me. He was staring at me intently, and two minutes into the ride he got an erection, which was rubbed against me at every single bump and turn of the train. FML

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Intimacy

Trip Advisor says no

Sister of the year

Mind your own beeswax

By mista hunna - United States - Baltimore

Today, I found the dog I lost while I was dog sitting. It was with its new adoptive family. FML

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By DumbFace714 - United States - Santa Ana

Today, my friend told me she wanted to get pregnant. I thought that was good news, but then she said she wanted my boyfriend to be the father of her baby. FML

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By Wrenda Witt - 15/6/2020 14:02

Not interested

Today, it has officially been two and half months since I've had sex. I've done everything imaginable to entice him, but my boyfriend doesn't seem bothered at all. FML

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By Egtat216 - United Kingdom - Aberdeen

Today, whilst tuning my guitar, one of the steel strings snapped and hit me in the face. Now I'm on my way to my first date with the girl of my dreams, and I'm wearing an eye patch and have a thick red line across my face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I ignored my cat's incessant meowing, and pushed him away every time he wanted to be petted. The next time I walked downstairs I found him dead. FML

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By TheSuregeon - United States

Today, I applied for my job, while working at my job. I hope they hire me. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2020 05:01

Near the knuckle

Today, as a waitress I served someone who was hoping their food would come back faster than expected. I replied, “Fingers crossed!” just for the person to show me they had no hands. FML

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By jimboxo - United States

Today, my fiancée got out of the shower, completely shaved. I went over to her, wrapped her in a hug and asked her what the occasion was. She pulled away and said that she had a gyno appointment. My fiancée will clean up for the gyno, but not for me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was having lunch with my mom before an important job interview. She commented than my lips looked dry and crackly and gave me her chapstick with aloe to put on. Apparently I'm allergic to aloe and my lips got so swollen I could hardly talk. It was too late to reschedule the interview. FML

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By pieceofcake163 - United States

ESPN Love

Today, I found out that my booty call only likes to have sex with me so afterwards he can watch ESPN on my plasma screen TV, because he has neither. FML

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By Victoria

Today, my mother still refuses to acknowledge my son as her grandson, all because I had a C-section, which she says is unnatural and against God's will. I only had the C-section in the first place for health reasons. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Goole

Today, I was feeling really down, so I texted my boyfriend, hoping to get some emotional support. He texted me back twenty minutes later, asking for nude pictures. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2020 05:00

Get out

Today, while I was working in a department store, two 15-year-old kids started having sex in a changing room. When I found them, the boy pulled out and said, "You want in, bitch?" I then had to prevent his jealous, half-naked girlfriend from murdering me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was getting mugged. In shock, I said, "Are you mugging me?!" To which the mugger responded, "Duh, do you think I grabbed you for your looks?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend donated most of my book collection because she got me a Kindle for Christmas. Some were signed, including my Harry Potters. FML

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By Kathrynn - United States

Today, I overheard my parents having sex. Trying to be the reasonable person I was, I dismissed it, realizing that sex is just normal. I quickly walked past their room when my cat ran past me into their room, cracking open the door. Now my parents think I was peeping and need therapy. FML

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By notworthy - New Zealand

Today, I found the Christmas 'newsletter' my mom sends out every year to our extended family and friends that details our activities and achievements of the past year. I wasn't mentioned once. FML

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By Trouble

Today, at work, I was informed that my manager told the owner, "Everything wrong with my department" is me. FML

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By Hahaha - United States

Today, I went to the pharmacy to buy the Plan B pill. The pharmacist recognized me and said, "Really? Again?" FML

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By underachiever - Australia

Today, while on my graveyard shift at an inner-city backpackers lodge, a drunk pissed in a dorm at 4am. I had to clean up after him, wash all the luggage that got dowsed, clean up 2 separate piles of puke, and help 3 drunken Brits back to their room while they abused me. I have a science degree. FML

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By fml - United States - Billerica

Today, they introduced us to this cheesy school email program. I was trying to be funny and made a draft and sent it to "All" and I typed, "Thanos did nothing wrong." The send button was right next to the discard email button. I sent,"Thanos did nothing wrong" to every kid and teacher at school. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Amarillo

Today, my dog overturned and ate my trash, leaving coffee grounds and dog puke all over my floor. She also ate the broom. FML

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By chocofreak - United States

Today, I work at a chocolate factory on the sanitation shift. I was under a machine cleaning and a spider fell on me. I started freaking out and a coworker thought I got caught in the moving parts and frantically pulled me out and alerted my boss. Turns out it was just a piece of caramel. FML

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By gayvsgay - Germany - V?lklingen

Today, my dad posted on Facebook, apologizing to anyone he'd texted the night before. He said he'd gotten wasted and didn't mean anything he said. So much for that first ever "I'm proud of you" then. FML

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By dumped - United Kingdom - Wigan

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. How? He invited my mother to his house for coffee with his parents, and told her. She then had to come home and tell me I’d been dumped. FML

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By T - France

Today, I got the guts to call my dad for the first time in nine years. He said he "almost didn't remember" he "had another daughter." Another? FML

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By Sarsippius

Today, I took a nap, and I had a dream that my ex-girlfriend got back together with me. I woke up in a great mood. When I went back to bed, I dreamed that she broke up with me, again. FML

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By a - United Kingdom - Ascot

Today, my mother asked me how pasta is harvested. She actually thought it grew out of the ground. FML

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By funnyguyNOT - United States

Today, a car was waiting for me to cross the street so I thought it would be funny to slowly limp across the street. When I got to the end, I jumped as high as I could to show I was faking. Turns out I tripped and hit my head hard on the sidewalk. That car took me to the hospital. FML

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By reyoflight - Brazil - Rio De Janeiro

Today, I walked in on my 12-year-old daughter lying on her bed, repeatedly opening and closing her legs. I asked her what she was doing, and she replied, "Trying to queef. I saw it online." FML

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By mrssagdiyev - United States

Today, my husband decided to imitate Borat and shout "Very Nice! I Excite!" while having sex. He's also decided that it was ingenious and does it every single time, the entire time. FML

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By Keaton - United States

Today, I got a bird as a pet. I thought it would be funny to put it on my head and take a picture. When the flash went off the bird flew off my head and pooped at the same time. You could see it in the picture. FML

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By luciazee - Peru - Lima

Today, after having spent years staying in school, working hard to achieve good grades, and avoiding all the bad kids, my mom accused me of having no direction in life and complained about how I haven't given her a grandchild yet. I'm 19. FML

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By flipflop - United States

Today, I got married. I was so nervous right before I said my vows that, in the dead silence, I farted. Loud. My brother showed me afterwards, on tape, over and over and over again. FML

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By athletiks - United States - Pullman

Today, someone on Instagram posted a picture of himself with gym lifting straps around his neck. I commented "autoerotic asphyxiation" and now a 250-pound bodybuilder wants to kill me. FML

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By TaddM21 - United States - Salem

Today, I dragged my grill outside in the freezing cold to cook a steak for New Year's day. I left my spatula in the garage, and I set the still-wrapped steak on the grill. I was only gone 45 seconds, but that was long enough for my cat to open the wrapper and run off with my steak in his jaws. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mother told my therapist that I've been reverting to childlike behavior and she was worried about my maturity. She was worried because I screamed hysterically after dropping a pot of boiling noodles on my lap. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pittsfield

Today, I found out my sister stole my phone, pretended to be me, and tried breaking up with my boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2020 05:01

The road to hell, good intentions, all that jazz

Today, in the process of leaning over the sink to close the drain so my diamond earrings wouldn't fall in as I put them on, I dropped my diamond earring down the drain. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2021 11:01

Deception

Today, I found out that my husband, who was supposed to be in PA school, dropped out 6 and a half years ago and never even received his bachelor's. He started lying to me before we were even a year into dating. FML

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Top comments

By blland | 0

#72027 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 9:32

kick him in the nuts, stupid!

By ohhlala_fml | 0

#72029 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 9:33

hahaha wtf, i would have gotten off as soon as possible

COMMENTS

By blland | 0

#72027 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 9:32

kick him in the nuts, stupid!

tokintot07 | 0

#902661 - Monday 1 March 2010 4:25

has anyone noticed that this story ha been posted already, expect the homeless guy was an old guy?

ryguy997 | 0

#936649 - Thursday 11 March 2010 19:31

you musta enjoyed it if u didn't move.

ilovefatcats | 12

#966024 - Monday 22 March 2010 0:51

atleast he thinks ur smexy

GiddyXD | 0

#980655 - Friday 16 April 2010 23:59

yeah #133 i saw that one.

underaegis | 0

#1327068 - Tuesday 31 August 2010 9:43

...OP is genderless. this either means the man is a sex preaditor or a faggot

By ohhlala_fml | 0

#72029 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 9:33

hahaha wtf, i would have gotten off as soon as possible

TehGirreth | 0

#2216766 - Monday 21 March 2011 16:13

Really? I would have turned around and rubbed MY erection on HIS leg. Show him how it feels.

By Roxas_fml | 0

#72030 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 9:33

I agree with #1.

By littlemuffet | 0

#72039 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 9:36

Was he hot?

danceforever51 | 4

#3927200 - Monday 23 January 2012 3:26

He was homeless

okay17 | 7

#5903611 - Thursday 3 April 2014 4:29

Doesn't mean he can't be hot. Homeless doesn't necessarily equal old or undesirable.

By thecheesecakeman | 0

#72040 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 9:37

Haha C-train. Calgary? That's pretty funny but sad for you. You shoulda moved away and/or "accidently" punched him.

Lutterfly | 0

#885270 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 14:45

Indeed!

tedirvine | 2

#1266977 - Thursday 19 August 2010 6:43

I live in Calgary!

hockeygu | 3

#5263895 - Thursday 20 December 2012 7:34

That's what I thought when I read it too!

By tarheel_fan | 0

#72055 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 9:44

Wow that sucks haha. Was the homeless man packin' meat?

outlawjavis | 11

#6254870 - Tuesday 7 April 2015 7:50

well if your taking pictures then it must be your phone right?

By mf_fml | 0

#72065 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 9:51

don't give a fuck,
woulda called one of my friends with the opening line, "so i got this rash today and went to the doctor, and he says it could be something really serious..."

By kbtoys | 2

#72071 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 9:53

Even homeless guys need a little lovin'.

By nodbor | 11

#72086 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 10:01

#2, in what way do you mean that?

ILUVMSC | 5

#2462194 - Thursday 5 May 2011 7:26

lol, ya weirdo...ha ;)

By youreawhore | 0

#72091 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 10:05

wtf.
HAHAHAHAHA, I'm sorry. I feel bad for you, and really sorry, but it's kind of funny.
Though if I were in that situation, I would have been really horrified, and would have got off the train at the next stop.