Love: Today, my wife and I were driving to the gas station, she let... - FML

By Damn_her - Canada

Today, my wife and I were driving to the gas station, she let me out before she pulled up to the pumps because I had to buy some things from the store. I returned to see my wife proudly filling the tank. Smiling, she told me that diesel was cheaper than regular gas. We don't own a diesel car. FML

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Great guy

Trans women are women

Munchausen by proxy

By Tony

Today, I was fired for having a haircut that was 'inappropriate for the workplace'. I have alopecia. My boss told me to stop making up excuses. FML

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By tLee - Canada

Today, I was laying in bed making out with a girl. After trying to figure out for a while why she was spending so much time on my neck it finally hit me. She was frantically and secretly trying to remove the gum she got stuck in my hair. She failed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 8 year old adopted daughter told me she wants me to take her back so another family can adopt her because I don't give her enough toys. FML

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By Morgannaken - United States

Today, mum woke me up before seven in the morning on a Saturday so I could open my birthday gifts. I'm an insomniac and I had just fallen asleep. I wasn't even awake yet and she yelled at me to be more enthusiastic. FML

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By Ban Hammered - United States - New York

Today, I babysat my neighbor's twin 4-year-old girls again. When I took them out for lunch, they apparently had been addressing themselves as "my bitches", taught to them by their devil spawn 13-year-old brother. Everyone, including Chuck E. Cheese himself, was not pleased. FML

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By dramaqueen - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend why he dates me. He immediately responded, "Well, TV shows are boring and predictable, so you're a good source of fresh and interesting drama." FML

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By weirded out - United States - Brentwood

Today, I saw a customer at the restaurant I work at lovingly petting his cheeseburger and whispering sweet promises to it. FML

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By joser6969 - United States

Today, I locked myself out of my own shop. And I'm a locksmith. FML

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By moxy

Today, I got into a car accident. Why? I was distracted by a floating spec of dust and was pretending I was in space. FML

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By breyn - United States

Today, while working at my salon, I was cutting an older gentleman's hair. When he got up to leave, everyone noticed he had clearly pissed his pants. I felt bad for him until he laughed and said, "Here's your tip, have fun cleaning that up." FML

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By imbx - United States

Today, I was at a pool party. My friend's little sister pushed me in the pool. When I got out, I pushed her in. She started screaming, and I started laughing because I thought she was pissed that I pushed her in. That wasn't why she was screaming. She can't swim. Her whole family witnessed it. FML

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By Itstheapocalypse

Today, while performing a therapeutic massage, I dropped my clients head, shuddered, and jumped away. Why? I watch too much Walking Dead and when I lifted her head to stretch her neck, her soft breathing sounded like a zombie. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, after pulling an all-nighter, I had the pleasure of meeting my girlfriend's mother for the very first time. She walked in on me in the bathroom; I'd completely lost focus and fallen asleep while taking a shit. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/6/2020 08:08

Keep schtum

Today, I found out I'm pregnant. Last week my coworker, who I sit next to 5 days a week, returned to work after bereavement maternity leave. FML

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By Dina - France

Today, whilst chatting with my mum on MSN, she unintentionally sent me an animated emoticon of a penis jerking off repeatedly. I don't even want to know the type of conversation she was having. FML

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By thewallrules - United States

Today, I woke up to a stranger in my dorm room. He was naked and was peeing into my water bottle. He kept asking for Chris. I have no idea who Chris is. FML

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By owie - Canada

Today, after breaking my leg, I'm unable to put any weight on it whatsoever. Our bedroom? Upstairs. Our only bathroom? Basement. My husband thought it would be a great idea to leave me alone and unable to walk to go babysit his nieces. I had to piss in a bucket. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2021 11:01

One law for me, one law for thee

Today, my boyfriend said he wants a poly relationship. He said he wants to sleep with other people, but I can't in case I get feelings for them. Thats not what poly means, dude. FML

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By superjstorm - Philippines

Today, I went to the mall and couldn't find a parking spot. After circling around for 20 minutes, I finally saw a shaded spot in the uncovered parking lot area under a tree. It turns out, I parked under a coconut tree. I could tell from the coconut planted into my hood. FML

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By so scared - Canada - Barrie

Today, my mother thought it would be funny to sneak into my room at night and scream like a demon after I had explained to her how scared I was of the exorcist movie I had just seen. She claims it wasn't her. FML

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By ew - United States - San Antonio

Today, I painted my nails in the car. After I finished, I stuck my hands out the window to let them dry. When I pulled my hands back in there were live bugs stuck in my nail polish. FML

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By notinterested - United States

Today, my husband dropped his pants and said, "Why don't you go down and say hello." This is his idea of foreplay. FML

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By Scarlett - Canada - Barrie

Today, while I was babysitting, the little girl wanted to show me a picture that her mom had just sent to the family iPad via iMessage. Trying to be helpful, I clicked iMessage, only to see pictures of her father's erect penis. She won't stop asking about the "hotdog" in the picture. FML

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By NoorFML - United States

Today, I woke up and saw that my alarm clock had fallen on the floor. It read 9:05 am. I panicked because I was late for work. As I frantically got ready, I went to pick my alarm clock up to place it back on my nightstand when I realized it was upside down. The actual time was 5:06. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was my one year anniversary with my boyfriend. We had dinner reservations to an expensive restaurant and planned to see a movie after. At least, we did, until he called to tell me he'd volunteered to work tonight. He won't get off until 2am. FML

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By InsomniacToBe - United States - Saint George

Today, I had a dream that my ex-boyfriend had become a vicious serial killer and was hunting me down because I broke up with him. I don't know what scares me more: the way he hunted me in my sleep, or the fact that it wouldn't surprise me if it actually happened. FML

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By imscrewed - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he was going out tonight to celebrate his ex-but-still-friends-girlfriend's birthday at a local club and hopes I wasn't offended that I wasn't invited. I sure am offended; we have the same birthday. FML

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By Pottymouth - United States

Today, I was having really bad diarrhea. I sat down on the toilet and heard a plop, thinking it was just me going to the bathroom. After I was finished, I look in the toilet to see my iPhone sitting in a pool of diarrhea. FML

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By BigToe - United States

Today, I broke my toe. My mom didn't think it was necessary to take me to hospital, opting to give me some painkillers instead. They were so strong that I fell asleep for an hour during my exam. FML

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By Parental Support - United States - Ellicott City

Today, I found out I was 13th in a graduating class of about 350 students. When I told my mother, without batting an eye, she told me, "Hey, shit floats". FML

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By he fucking smells like death! - United States - Hesperia

Today, I was told what a bitch I am for turning down “the nice guy” after he surprised me with flowers and a hand painted portrait. He conveniently left out the part where he texted me multiple creepy porn links, doesn’t brush his teeth and has the personal hygiene of a farm animal! FML

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By Flavorite - United States

Today, my boss asked me to pick up an extra shift. I said I couldn't because I have a date. He told me I didn't need to lie and to just say no next time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend dumped me via text message. The sad thing is that I left my fiancée of 5 years to be with a girl I worked with at Walmart. My ex-fiancée is now a doctor. I still work at Walmart. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my wife admitted that she purposefully starts fights with me purely because she enjoys arguing and seeing me flustered. Don't marry a lawyer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Astoria

Today, a stranger nearly beat the crap out of my boyfriend for being a pedo. I ended up showing the guy my driving license to prove I'm not a pre-teen and that I'm just freakishly young looking. FML

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By notacashier - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I used the self-checkout for the first time. I didn't see a slot for bills, so I tried to put them in the coin slot for a solid three minutes. There was a huge line behind me, silently judging. FML

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By Anais Strongrump III Jr. - United States - Garland

Today, my parents decided to get with the times. So far, they've made me get Snapchat and Instagram accounts, and made me add them on Facebook. They keep acting like annoying teenagers, and get mad at me when I don't play along. For the love of god, somebody save me. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Ringwood

Today, I told the man my girlfriend has been cheating on me with all about her infidelity. He didn't get angry; he just said that he knew, that they were in an open relationship, and that I was pretty stupid to have not figured it out sooner. FML

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By needabettermirror - United States - Holland

Today, I spent twenty minutes looking in the mirror trying to remove a blackhead from my chin. It was a freckle. FML

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By frustrated - Australia

Today, I discovered that just because I get unwanted erections on an hourly basis throughout the day, it doesn't mean that I can get required erections in the night. FML

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Top comments

By YerPal | 0

#16005 - Thursday 5 March 2009 12:51

Here in America, we have much larger nozzles for diesel gas, so that people like your wife cannot put diesel in their cars. The nozzle will not fit into the tank. Only cars with diesel engines have holes large enough to stick the diesel nozzle in.

By Tri_fml | 5

#15974 - Thursday 5 March 2009 12:22

Oh dear God. :(

Strangely diesel is more expensive here in the UK.

COMMENTS

By Tri_fml | 5

#15974 - Thursday 5 March 2009 12:22

Oh dear God. :(

Strangely diesel is more expensive here in the UK.

By soccerchick829 | 0

#15977 - Thursday 5 March 2009 12:24

sorry, but diesel is ALWAYS more expensive than regular gas. nice try for the fml though.
id say that was more of a FAIL, than an fml. loser.

Reply

Tayler Marie Hoffman | 5

#7435852 - Sunday 9 April 2017 6:05

that's a lie, diesel is almost a dollar cheaper per gallon where I live

By King_of_Kings | 3

#15981 - Thursday 5 March 2009 12:32

a year and a half ago, here in Boston, diesel was cheaper than the gas. thats when gas prices were beyond rediculousely high. now adays, diesel is more expansive. with that said, he could be telling the truth about diesel being cheaper.

By jihinotenshi_fml | 0

#15983 - Thursday 5 March 2009 12:33

Diesel is cheaper in a lot of countries in Europe (eg France). Taxes tend to be lower on it for some reason.

By Peha | 0

#15985 - Thursday 5 March 2009 12:34

That guy could be french, diesel is cheaper overthere, don't flame #2

How not to say stupid jokes about women after reading that story ? :P

By soccerchick829 | 0

#15987 - Thursday 5 March 2009 12:36

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

By Rackergen | 0

#15989 - Thursday 5 March 2009 12:40

#2/#6: It's not. You're an ignorant moron. 'Nuff said.

By franzi100 | 0

#15990 - Thursday 5 March 2009 12:42

diesel is ALWAYS cheaper than regular gas here in germany!

By Rackergen | 0

#15991 - Thursday 5 March 2009 12:42

I second #8.

By dutchguy | 0

#15992 - Thursday 5 March 2009 12:42

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway