Today, a creepy man on the subway said he liked my eyeballs....

By Noname - 5/3/2009 00:29 - United States

Today, a creepy man on the subway said he liked my eyeballs. It was the best compliment I've received in months. FML

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Transportation

Banished

Weird kid

Sewer monster

By aricababyy - 29/12/2016 05:09 - United States - Winchester

Today, I had my very first interview and pretty much got hired right away. Then I found out I have to drive 2 hours away for training. I don't have a car, license, or money. FML

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By sweeeeet - 9/2/2010 03:29 - United States

Today, I got called out of class to talk to some cops. Turns out my car was involved in a hit and run accident, while I was in school and there was no possible way it could have been me. But since they have no one else, it's my fault. FML

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By FailingMyCourse - 7/2/2016 03:36 - Kuwait - Kuwait

Today, I found out that my university had not accepted the internship I did when I was in college. They placed me in the same bank I interned in, with the same bank manager that I flipped the middle finger at after finishing my internship. FML

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By ChimerV - 15/11/2014 18:20 - France - Champenoux

Today, a customer limped over to me in one of the dishwasher aisles and asked if we sold dishwashers. I said yes and pointed at all the dishwashers. He looked around for a couple of seconds, belched, then said "Oh... right!" and walked off. No commission for me, then. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2013 12:17 - United States - Southfield

Today, the person I've been trying so hard to get with wrote me a beautiful poem that almost everyone at my school saw and liked. It was about how we'd never be together. FML

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By EyesofStone - 1/6/2016 01:03 - United States

Today, I decided to work on my social anxiety by ordering some food. I waited in line, practicing my order in my head all the way. When I got to the front, I said my order with no mistakes. The cashier just stared blankly at me until I mumbled, "Never mind..." and left. FML

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By conchita - 10/2/2010 01:16 - United States

Today, I panicked when I felt a hard bump on the side of my stomach. I thought I had appendicitis. Turns out it was my ab muscles. I've been overweight so long I didn't know what they felt like. FML

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By PigPen - 27/9/2009 05:00 - United States

Today, I had lunch with friends I hadn't seen in years. We took a few group shots with my camera, and I went home and downloaded them to my computer. Seeing them on my monitor, I noticed a yellow spot on my black shirt, so I looked down. A big, dried booger was stuck there. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2013 11:36 - United States - Big Pine Key

Today, for the fifth day in a row, I have awoken at 6am to the sounds of my roommate's guest's child screaming. If it's anything like the last four days, the child will continue to randomly screech every fifteen minutes or so for the next five hours. I work 13-hour night shifts. FML

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By Angelica - 26/5/2011 03:19 - Canada

Today, I finally got the wedding dress I've been waiting months to see. It turns out that my mom ordered the dress 2 sizes smaller than my size, this way it will be "an incentive to lose weight". FML

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By Emily - 3/8/2010 23:54 - United States

Today, my best friend who I've known since high school is getting married. I'm supposed to give a toast during the reception about how great the bride and groom are. I've been sleeping with the groom for the past 7 months. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2009 00:04 - United States

Today, I found out that I was conceived during a conjugal visit. FML

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By Franco - 10/4/2009 14:07 - United States

Today, I was sent to an elementary school for safety day. One of the dads was asking about my job, when I told him about the long hours and high stress involved. He turned to his son and said "Now see why you stay in school?" I'm a paramedic. With a bachelor's degree. FML

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By Username - 19/5/2011 15:13

Today, I finally started my dream job. I turned up for work with a huge smile on my face. Imagine how much my face dropped when I saw that I had to share an office with the girl I stood up last weekend. FML

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By dustlander.com - 16/10/2018 07:30 - United States - Provo

Today, I was wrapping up a 30+ hour commission when a software bug caused my main layer to delete itself. There doesn't appear to be any way I can restore it. FML

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By fatty mcfatfuck - 24/6/2020 02:02

Dietitian is the recognized title

Today, I caught my mother-in-law filling my one-year-old's cup with Dr. Pepper. When I flipped out, she told me I was overreacting since "all her kids turned out fine." Save for my husband, all her kids are morbidly obese diabetics who’ve struggled with poor diets. She herself is almost 450 lbs. FML

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By whiteycan'tgetitrightey - 24/2/2015 23:13 - United Kingdom - Norwich

Today, I apologised to someone for my misuse of the word 'coloured' in a discussion about ethnic minority issues. They then got even more angry and said that to even quote the word in the context of an apology is evidence of my ignorance and inherent racism. FML

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By Oh dear... - 20/2/2009 05:25 - United States

Today, I told my college friend that I considered her to be my best friend. She responded, "I don't think you should call me that." FML

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By secretdeo - 24/8/2009 04:48 - United States

Today, I was at the store buying some feminine products. At the cash register, the clerk said to me "Dude, you know those are for girls right?" I am a 30 year old woman. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/12/2018 14:00

Today, we had our busiest day at work all year with lots of angry people calling, and a co-worker called in sick. I went to my local game shop after work, exhausted and upset, and guess who was at his usual table running a Dungeons and Dragons group, apparently not too sick to go out. Yeah. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/4/2020 08:00

Stolen valor

Today, I was on Facebook when I saw a picture a popular girl I don't talk to had posted of her fake ID. She had used my full name and identical signature. FML

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By what_the_hell - 20/6/2013 08:35 - Finland - Helsinki

Today, while bagging my groceries at a store, a lady came over to me, took a good look at the food I'd bought, picked out an item and put it in her bag. When I confronted her, she called security on me and told them I wanted to steal her stuff. I got thrown out and she walked away with a smirk. FML

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By beeee - 26/7/2010 04:03 - Australia

Today, I moved in with my boyfriend. Up until now, I thought my cat was the only four year old I had to deal with. FML

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By "burnuptowndow" - 30/9/2017 01:30

Today, we got a new boss. This would have been great if he knew how to do his job. I've spent the last week training a guy who hits on co-workers and gets paid twice as much as me. FML

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By robinhoood - 12/7/2009 05:38 - United States

Today, my girlfriend, who never initiates sex, pulled me into my room and onto my bed with kisses and other seductive behavior. As I'm thinking about how awesome it is that's she's doing this for once, she reaches down, grabs my underwear, and gives me the worst wedgie I've ever received. FML

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By not sexy anymore - 28/7/2020 05:01

Get on with it!

Today, my boyfriend asked why I’ve been so grumpy lately. When I told him it’s because our relationship has been severely lacking in intimacy, he sighed heavily and said, “Ugh, fine, let’s just get it over with!” Gee, thanks babe. FML

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By tony456 - 11/7/2011 21:08 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were making out while she was laying on me. Her little brother walked in, saw us and yelled, "Mom they're swallowing each other!" FML

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By ticket - 6/10/2009 15:44 - United Kingdom

Today, I got a ticket for having my brights on. The street was pitch black and it was 1:30 in the morning. FML

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By Flandre - 23/12/2018 12:00

Today I gave over $100 to my online friend in presents for Christmas, only to find out he can't use any because of his strict parents. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2011 20:21 - United States

Today, it was hot out, so I opted to stay cool and wear my bathing suit all day. My mom took it as me rubbing in the fact that I'm thinner than her and grounded me. FML

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By AloneForChristmas - 25/12/2018 16:00

Today... I live in dorms and found out everyone is leaving for Christmas break. I also found out my student loan didn't go through so now I cant afford to go visit my family that lives over 7hrs away. I guess I'll be spending Christmas alone in a dorm room... FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2015 21:11 - United States

Today, at 2:00 am, my neighbor discovered "What Does The Fox Say?" He loves it. FML

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By Shame - 19/9/2012 20:22 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my girlfriend had a bitch fit at me because I laughed at her idea of getting the Cullen family tree tattooed on her back. FML

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By ThoroughlyCreepedOut - 7/3/2010 00:22 - United States

Today, while in a public restroom, a man entered the stall next to me and began vigorously wanking. He finished quickly, but as he was leaving he peeped in at me through the crack in the stall door. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/11/2015 13:47 - United States - Kenosha

Today, my deadbeat dad threatened to press charges against me for harassment if I ever contact him again. I've contacted him twice in the last two years, once to tell him he was going to be a grandfather, and once to send him a birthday card from my son. FML

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By epipen life - 10/3/2019 16:00 - United States - Hesperia

Today, my boyfriend’s mom fed me a new dish containing peanuts, knowing full well I’m severely allergic. According to her, her ancestors “cured” allergies by exposing the person to the allergen. I went into anaphylactic shock. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2012 09:25 - United States - Toledo

Today, while working as a manager at a restaurant, the "All employees must wash hands" sign in the bathroom was stolen. Now my employees won't wash their hands because they "don't have to." FML

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By Stupid - 22/4/2013 06:58 - United States - Post Falls

Today, after a few weeks of my friends pestering me to spend time with a mutual friend, I realized we had a lot in common. We both love shoes, peanut butter, and it appears that my boyfriend of three years is her boyfriend of four years. FML

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By innocent72 - 19/11/2013 21:07 - United States - Canonsburg

Today, I had an interview scheduled for 10:05. When I got there, someone was talking to them, so I sat down to wait. Little did I know this wait would be 45 minutes. I got told to go home and that I'd be rescheduled. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2012 17:33 - Australia

Today, I was planning on enjoying my one day off work from the hospital, at home. I got a call saying I had to come in because my department was short-handed. I went in to find almost everyone there. Turns out it was a prank by my coworkers. FML

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Top comments

By Jimboom | 11

#15998 - Thursday 5 March 2009 12:45

Probably because he either wanted to lick them or eat them

By N07H666 | 0

#16082 - Thursday 5 March 2009 14:21

that's one creative pickup line!!! I gotta remember that one

COMMENTS

By King_of_Kings | 3

#15976 - Thursday 5 March 2009 12:24

lmfao

By Jimboom | 11

#15998 - Thursday 5 March 2009 12:45

Probably because he either wanted to lick them or eat them

Atmaster | 3

#968370 - Friday 26 March 2010 4:27

I agree I hate creepy newyork subway men

ChaCerCam | 14

#6015096 - Tuesday 22 July 2014 9:49

Run! He wants to scoop them out with a spoon!

vdturner25 | 15

#6362342 - Sunday 26 July 2015 22:54

#2 has a point. Sounds like fuckin jeepers creepers back again. Watch yourself

By PiousHeretic | 0

#16019 - Thursday 5 March 2009 13:04

Ohhh, baby!

I mean.. eyeballs! Really?

foodlord | 5

#3348669 - Monday 26 September 2011 10:05

UHe was busy having eye sex with u

By shalvius | 3

#16037 - Thursday 5 March 2009 13:19

that's odd

By stephypoo | 4

#16040 - Thursday 5 March 2009 13:23

maybe he wanted em for his own personal pleasure...?

By N07H666 | 0

#16082 - Thursday 5 March 2009 14:21

that's one creative pickup line!!! I gotta remember that one

By Jimboom | 11

#16094 - Thursday 5 March 2009 14:32

Maybe he was a bit drunk and was trying to say what nice eyes you had?

By nah_fml | 0

#16096 - Thursday 5 March 2009 14:34

watever it was.. dont be sad.. you are beautiful in your own way! :)

By Big_Pick | 0

#16141 - Thursday 5 March 2009 15:39

Oh the true definition of irony!

By DamUrLyfeSukz | 0

#16158 - Thursday 5 March 2009 15:57

uhhh i guess...what a way to boost ya self esteem