Animals: Today, my school brought in therapy dogs to help with stress....

By Anonymous - United States - Coplay

Today, my school brought in therapy dogs to help with stress. I was attacked by one of them. FML

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Animals

The smell detective is on the case

Dangling modifier

Sorry…

By tomtomcutiepoof - United States

Today, my best friend set me up on a blind date with someone he said was very hot. I'm not exactly what you call fit, so I haven't been dating lately. As soon as I got to the restaurant, I spotted the girl. She looked me up and down, said, "You have GOT to be kidding me" and left. FML

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By Claudine - Belgium - Li?ge

Today, my boss is on the phone with a Russian customer, who keeps saying, "Speak Russian please!" My boss asks me to translate, as he hired me for my knowledge of Russian. He says something, I translate in Russian, then the customer says, "Speak English please!" FML

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26253

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, things were getting heated with my boyfriend and I told him that I was finally ready to lose my virginity. Clearly he couldn't wait to get started because he fell asleep. FML

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30662

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up at 3am because my wife was snoring loudly enough to wake me up. I went off to the guest room to try to get back to sleep. Eventually I fell back asleep. Then I had a dream that my wife was snoring loudly enough to wake me up. It woke me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31884

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I flew into Denver. Never being here before, I was excited to see the view from our window. In the middle seat, I leaned over to look - at the same time yawning to relieve pressure in my ears. The yawning caused me to drool on the stranger sitting next to me. FML

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By smellybelly - United States

Today, my boyfriend of two years kept digging around in his belly button and smelling his fingers. At one point he shoved his fingers in my face and told me to smell his belly button. He's 27 years old. FML

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25133

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By cousin of the groom

Today, I stood too fast, got dizzy, and fell over. I fell on the grandmother of the bride, pushing her into the wedding cake table. Cake ruined, grandmother in hospital for a broken arm, and everybody mad at me. FML

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2777

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By Angie - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me and filmed it, because it would "be a big hit on YouTube." FML

I agree, your life sucks

28120

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1964

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By theotherotherguy - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I started a job on a building site. Halfway through, I needed to use the toilet. One of the builders said there were two of them; one was "OK" and the other was "nasty." The first one I walked into had the foulest stench imaginable. Apparently, that was the "OK" one. FML

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By nameless - United States

Today, I asked the girl I am in love with out on a date. She asked me for my name. FML

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53216

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By Sarah-D

Today, a policeman pulled me over and proceeded to flirt with me. After I had rejected him, he gave me a ticket for "not paying attention to the road". FML

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16168

Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, marks the two weeks since my paycheck should have arrived. During these two weeks, my battery has failed, tire has blown, and my phone and water bill have become past due. When I called the guy who's supposed to pay me, he said he has a note about it "somewhere on my desk". FML

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29737

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By aldfgadfklbg - United States

Today, I had a seizure. My dad responded by saying it always happens with my disease. I never have had a disease. Now I have to wait for my dad to stop yelling at my mom about not telling me, so I can ask what I have in the first place. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was planning on breaking up with my girlfriend of five years in two days time. She just mailed me a care package that said, "I'd die without you." FML

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41710

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By looke27 - United States

Today, my girlfriend thought she was stronger than me so we arm wrestled. She won. I used both hands. FML

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14222

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to get into my house via the dog flap because my mom changed the locks. FML

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33046

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By Professional_Ars

Today, the coworker I have a crush on left halfway through the busiest shift of the week, and now I have to work it alone. I eventually found out that she left to go on a date with her new boyfriend. FML

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2791

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By Anonymous

Today, while working at a restaurant, I told an old couple their “vibrator will go off when a table is available”. I meant to say pager. They walked out. FML

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3831

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By anonymous - United States - Gainesville

Today, I discovered that the vitamin I've been taking for hair growth actually works really well. Unfortunately, it only works on my leg hair. FML

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19626

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By rbeast - United States

Today, my girlfriend's overprotective parents decided that I'm a bad influence on their daughter. I'm a straight A engineering student who openly speaks out against drugs, alcohol, and discrimination. Their reason? Someone told them I dyed my hair black. They think I'm a "closet Nazi". FML

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47595

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By lovelife - United States

Today, I was robbed of five bucks by a vending machine that said "Enjoy Life!" FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2020 11:01

Pull!

Today, my tie-rod snapped, forcing me into a parked car. The wheel literally flew off my car. FML

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By mylifesucks - Netherlands

Today, I celebrated my 21st birthday. My boyfriend of almost 3 years gave me a big pink vibrator. Thinking it was a joke I said: "I won't need this as long as I have you!" His reply: "That's what I wanted to talk to you about." FML

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123135

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By ailat0107 - United States

Today, two of my girlfriends and I went to a bar. The only action any of us got was a 50 year old man who came up and handed us "An origami vagina for the pretty ladies." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got in an argument with my boyfriend, who recently had to move away, about not calling enough. Apparently his moving had meant that we were now taking a break, he just forgot to talk it over with me. He still wants to visit, and keep the relationship in bed alive though. FML

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30457

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By trappedinmyownhome

Today, I was having a dinner party. My guests were getting along really well. I mean, really well; it turns out they all went to the same high school. For the next five hours, I hosted a high school reunion for a school I didn't even go to, in my own home. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, it's my 17th birthday, and the first birthday since my mother died, leaving me to live with my previously-absent father. He gave me pretzels and a laser pointer, and said, "Happy birthday, fuckstick". One more year. FML

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By abercrombieef - United States

Today, my five year old daughter told me that while I'm at work, daddy has his wrestling buddy Melinda over. She also said that they wrestle on the bed so that they won't get hurt. FML

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86555

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By NoSexForMe - United States - Rancho Cucamonga

Today, I asked my boyfriend if he could finally go down on me. He said, "No, that's disgusting" and then asked me for a blowjob. FML

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67542

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By whatproject - United States

Today, I was offered to attend a Buddhist ceremony by one of my regular customers. Not wanting to offend the couple, I made an excuse about have a project for oceanography. Surprise, the husband is an oceanographer and wants to help me with my imaginary project. Karma much? FML

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11410

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By elipses - Canada

Today, I got a report telling me how I had handled a mystery shopper at work. In this report I found out that instead of saying "Thank you" I had said "Have a nice day, take care." This kept me from getting my $150 bonus. FML

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48008

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By Anonymous

They Do.

Today, my boyfriend told me he would be really disappointed if we had kids before we got married, because it would ruin our plans to go to Disney World for our honeymoon. Apparently, kids ruin vacations. FML

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1112

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By jshum - Australia - South Yarra

Today, I bought a new phone. It's shock proof, water proof, you name it. Just not kitten proof, it seems. That's $400 down the drain. FML

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13140

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By WhyMe - United States

Today, I called the car repair shop to complain to the manager about their tow driver who keeps making sexual passes at me. The girl taking my call started crying and said that their driver was her husband. I'm being sexually harassed, my car is dead, and I think I just ended a marriage. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52510

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By anonymous

Today, my boyfriend keeps trying to convince me that the hickey on his neck was from his friend attacking him with a vacuum cleaner. FML

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4398

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By Anonymous

It's the new thing!

Today, I fell asleep while at an outside birthday party in the sun for a five-year-old. That five-year-old put an animal cracker on my forehead. I now have a rhino-shaped tan line. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1328

You deserved it

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By snowman - United States

Today, right before a huge snowstorm hit our area, I broke up with my girlfriend. In her fury, she decided to grab my car keys and roll down all four windows in my car. I now have 2 feet of half melted snow in my backseat. FML

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25918

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By babydoc - 3/7/2020 23:00

Friendly advice

Today, I visited a friend and her new baby. The baby had a tight constrictive headband and a clearly wet cloth nappy on. I tried to give some friendly advice on why this was bad, but she shot me down, saying what would I know, I don't have a kid. She's 17 and I'm a 26-year-old practicing midwife. FML

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1750

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By husks

Today, I broke up with my now ex-girlfriend for the 5th time. She still hasn't got the hint. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39028

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By mydadsgonnakillme - United States - Santa Barbara

Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my overprotective father. My boyfriend started out with, "Sir, it is an honor to be your daughter's sexual partner." FML

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Top comments

By Heteroscodra | 8

#7498450 - Wednesday 19 July 2017 13:06

Certified therapy dogs or owners that put a jacket on their dog that they bought on amazon?

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7498453 - Wednesday 19 July 2017 13:07

Well, they say dogs can feel what you are feeling. He was trying to put you down to ease the stress pain. "Shhhh human, everything will be alright"

COMMENTS

By GhostFox | 33

#7497158 - Tuesday 18 July 2017 18:19

That's plain odd and unfortunate. I wonder what gave the doggo the idea to bite you?

By Heteroscodra | 8

#7498450 - Wednesday 19 July 2017 13:06

Certified therapy dogs or owners that put a jacket on their dog that they bought on amazon?

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7498453 - Wednesday 19 July 2017 13:07

Well, they say dogs can feel what you are feeling. He was trying to put you down to ease the stress pain. "Shhhh human, everything will be alright"

By dope_mcfly | 24

#7498471 - Wednesday 19 July 2017 13:19

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

KingKralj | 31

#7499079 - Wednesday 19 July 2017 20:55

Nice b8 m8

By LeoCor | 18

#7498495 - Wednesday 19 July 2017 13:43

Maybe you're the cause of stress cause you're so cool?

By user53658 | 15

#7498524 - Wednesday 19 July 2017 14:14

So the dog was actually giving you stress instead of relieving it?

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7498667 - Wednesday 19 July 2017 15:57

Oh the irony...

By RichardPencil | 30

#7498715 - Wednesday 19 July 2017 16:24

The dog sensed you didn’t have enough stress, so giving you a case of cynophobia makes you more normal.

By ironsidewolf | 5

#7498905 - Wednesday 19 July 2017 18:52

Are you sure they're not the "send you to therapy" dogs?

By arioch_fml | 20

#7498923 - Wednesday 19 July 2017 19:08

Mission accomplished! The dogs helped stress people out.