Today, my roommate brought a guy home at 3:30am. Not having a condom, she ran into my room to borrow one of mine. She was overzealous, jumped onto my bed, and cracked two of my ribs. She then took the condom, left me lying paralyzed with pain, and then had very loud sex, which I heard. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, after getting into bed, I found a used condom under my covers. I asked my roommate about it. She freely admitted that since my bed was comfier than hers, she had sex with her boyfriend on it. FML
Today, my roommate hooked up with a guy she met at a party. After telling me about it, she says to me, "Maybe next time we go out we'll hit someone over the head and drag him back here for you." Apparently the only way I can get a guy is if he's unconscious. FML
Today, in the small hours of the morning, my roommate's boyfriend kicked his foot through the thin wall separating our bedrooms during sex. They didn't even stop. FML
Today, I woke up in my roommate's bed. Apparently, the previous night I sleep-walked into her room, layed on her bed, and fell asleep. In the middle of her and her boyfriend having sex. He's now going around saying he slept with both of us. FML
Today, my housemate got back at me for asking for her share of a bill by losing her virginity to the guy I like, very loudly. FML
Today, my boyfriend "accidentally" had sex with my roommate. FML
Today, I woke up to the sound of someone having sex in the room next to me. I don't have a roommate. Turns out my mom thought I was out of town and used her extra key to bring a guy over for sex. FML
Today, I walked in on my roommate having sex in my bed, because apparently hers is "for sleeping only". FML
Today, I listened to my roommate having sex from 3 a.m. until 6 a.m. When I looked over at my girlfriend, who must have thought I was sleeping, I noticed she was masturbating. FML
Today, I was chilling at home when my roomie cruised in with a baddie on his arm. She turned out to be a total ho and started trying to get in my pants while he was sitting RIGHT THERE. I did everything I could to shake her off and in the end I just asked her to leave. Fuck, I feel bad for him. FML
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Top comments
BrEnNo1023 5
self-obsessed, dysfunctional, heartless people. **** her (not literally) kick her out or some shit. don't sit there and take that. DONT.
curryndricegirll 0
sounds like she wasn't "overzealous", sounds like she was just drunk...and if it makes you feel any better, they probably broke the condom and your roommate will probably either be pregnant or have herpes within a month
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Comments (125)
the_deuce 0
you should have cussed her out and when you feel better, you should break her little nose and then step on HER ribs
plexico 4
And didn't even invite you to a three-way! The nerve!
Zombierella 2
LOL. with broken ribs? D:
SNRLX 0
with those annoying ribs out of the way, her lung capacity will increase and she can give more bj's with less pauses, so yes zombierella, with broken ribs
plexico 4
Of course, the OP may have declined the offer because of the broken ribs, but it is just common courtesy for the other girl to have extended the offer. Jeeesh! What ever happened to etiquette?
XOfiestypixie 0
The roommate was probably just a selfish bitch and wanted the guy all to her self. It's depressing what the female population has come to these days. *sigh*
plexico 4
I can understand that the roommate did the hard work of luring the guy back to their lair, so it is only fair that she would have first dibs on his dick. But surely, she could have let the OP have a chance at his balls. C'mon, it that too much to ask?
waterynuggets 0
Lmao #56 I love you :*
22jrdn55 15
lmao. #56 u kill me man
reapfml 0
just borrow one of her condoms when she gets more and then return it to her used
f_u_u_f_f 0
Yeah, she probably had no idea what she did. Your shoulda spoke up and said OUCH. Or something.
AmpulexCompressa 0
That sucks, but I say you kill her.
OMGitsKaleyxo 0
jeez. is she like overweight or something? i vote u move out. or kick her out.
hahasuckstobeyou 0
During the night give her some heroin( only if she hasnt done it before) and shell be messed up for a day or 2.
moonshineboy 0
To get back, you should have started masturbating really loud...
Medea_FTW 0
Scour the local papers for a hit-and-run accident. Make an anonymous phone call from a pay phone far away from your residence and provide the authorities with her license plate number. Be sure to wear gloves and cover the receiver with a handkerchief to prevent DNA sampling. Then, while she's asleep, take her wallet from her purse and cancel all of her credit cards and then report her ATM card as stolen. If she has a video rental card, use it to rent nothing but **** and never return it. When she finally replaces her condom stash, poke holes in every one. I've certainly never done such things, of course, but I've heard stories...
sunney3 0
BAHHAHAHAHHAHA. what a crazy ****. why don't you trash her room and spread rumor bout her, kick her out and basically hope she knows she's a dirty over hyper WAY too enthusiastic easy chick. but jeez, canada is the funniest place ever.
sublime93 0
Wow I wouldn't wanna be one to piss you off...
JukeboxBunny 0
Haha dear god that's scummy... Sad part is, I was reading these ideas and thinking "Hmm....that's not a terrible idea..."
bneill 0
Wow, so many ways to get revenge. I would really go for the poking holes one though. Just saying, cuz all those other ones were hard core
JeannePecan 0
wow. wtf.