Today, my roommate brought a guy home at 3:30am. Not having a... - FML

By Anonymous - 26/8/2009 05:12 - Canada

Today, my roommate brought a guy home at 3:30am. Not having a condom, she ran into my room to borrow one of mine. She was overzealous, jumped onto my bed, and cracked two of my ribs. She then took the condom, left me lying paralyzed with pain, and then had very loud sex, which I heard. FML

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This is us

The best cat

Great boyfriend

By wouaf - 29/5/2015 04:19 - France - Voiron

Today, I was out shopping with my little sister. I wanted to try something on, so I put my bag in front of a changing room and jokingly told her to bark if someone came near. She ended up biting a lady who was trying to get into one of the changing rooms. FML

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By Noname - 12/3/2009 19:56 - United States

Today, I went over to my uncle's house for dinner and my stomach hurt really bad. I noticed there were two toilets and sat in the prettier one and took a huge dump. Turns out I'd chosen the brand new toilet that wasn't connected to anything yet. FML

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By snowinggrey - 19/2/2012 04:03 - United States

Today, I went to choir rehearsal at 7:30 in the morning. When the guy I have a major crush on stood next to me, I got really excited, so I tried to sound good. After the song ended, he asked me if I wanted some gum to cover up my morning breath. FML

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By exfiancee - 5/8/2012 13:20 - United States - Summerville

Today, my fiancé told me that he was having second thoughts on our engagement. Instead of just calling it off, he took me to a fancy restaurant and took a public poll on whether we should get married. The majority said no. FML

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By Brandee - 5/3/2010 01:39 - Canada

Today, a guy commented on a picture of my boyfriend and I kissing on facebook, and said to please stop 'testing' him. He also messaged me saying how he wishes he could get a girlfriend like me, that I'm gorgeous, and that he wants to go out with me. I'm his cousin. FML

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By Now Single - 3/4/2011 08:06 - Reserved

Today, I got back from vacation and walked in on my boyfriend and my brother in my bed. FML

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By embarrassed - 21/7/2009 04:14 - United States

Today, I was driving and saw two hot girls on the sidewalk so I rolled down the window to whistle at them. However, I failed to notice that the car in front of me had stopped at a red light. I rear ended the car, the girls ran away laughing their asses off, and now I have to pay for the damage. FML

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By LeChameauTrisomique - 14/3/2014 04:33 - France - Saint-germain-de-la-grange

Today, in the middle of a Spanish oral exam, I start to panic. My teacher suggests I say whatever pops into my head. I blurt out, "Heeey Macarena!" FML

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By simple living - 29/4/2015 02:43 - United States - Austin

Today, my dog threw up on the tiled floor. I found out at 6 this morning in the dark when I slipped and fell in it. FML

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By meepdaleap - 16/5/2013 21:50 - United States - Newport News

Today, I stepped out of the kitchen to yell at my kids for running in the house. I had just mopped the floor, and did not want them to fall. I fell while yelling and twisted my ankle. At least they know it's dangerous now. FML

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By Tanuki_paws - 26/8/2012 21:05 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I'm so broke that I got buyer's remorse after buying a $2 bottle of pancake syrup. FML

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By LostSoul - 10/7/2019 02:06

Today, I found out my daughter was planning a wedding and invited everyone but me. FML

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By therapygal - 17/11/2018 15:30

Today, my girlfriend got very mad at me after finding several appointments with "Amanda" in my calendar. Amanda is my psychiatrist. FML

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By "princessmia" - 13/12/2019 20:00 - United States - Sequim

Felt so bad

Today, my little brother played my phone, and then accidentally sent a nude photo of mine to our step-dad, and now I have to spend all day with him and my mom on a road trip. FML

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By Punphmelch - 26/3/2014 08:45 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, no matter how many toys and teddies she has, and no matter how much I punish her, I am most likely never going to be able to break my 10-week-old puppy's habit of stealing my underwear. She doesn't eat them or even chew on them. She steals them to sleep with. FML

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By hushnow - 7/2/2011 18:04 - United States

Today, I had no choice but to shake the hand of a customer, who just moments before, had the aforementioned hand down the front of his pants, scratching his snowglobes. FML

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By ellieowenie - 29/7/2012 08:11 - Australia - Sydney

Today, my 4-year-old son cut half of my hair when I was asleep because he thought I would look better that way. FML

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By Hana - 23/3/2012 07:39 - Canada - York

Today, I went to the movies with my boyfriend, and ended up sitting next to this girl who wouldn't stop sneezing. Grossed out, I asked my boyfriend if we could switch seats. After doing so, the girl immediately stopped sneezing and started flirting with him. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2009 21:35 - United States

Today, I woke up and rolled out of bed. I'm on the top mattress of a bunk bed. We have tile floors. FML

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By Watchtower? More like fortress. - 19/10/2012 21:39 - Norway - Oslo

Today, my dad saw on TV that in some parts of Africa, it's not uncommon for people to attach make-shift flamethrowers to their cars to defend against carjackers. He's now lost his mind and is forcing me to help him put one together to scare off Jehovah's Witnesses. FML

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By strawberry - 17/11/2015 17:51 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I went to see a movie with a seemingly nice guy after a friend set us up. As soon as the movie started, he unzipped his pants and told me to "get to it". FML

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By llostinreality - 30/9/2018 07:00 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, the blinker on my car was broken so I decided to play it safe and drive a different car to work. I guess it wouldn’t have mattered which car I drove, as the cop nicely told me one of the headlights was out when he pulled me over. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/4/2014 00:14 - United States - Wrightsville

Today, I took my kids to an Easter party hosted by a local church. The nice lady in charge told the kids, "Jesus died, but He rose to life again!" My 9 year old screamed, "LIKE A ZOMBIE!" FML

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By nobrows - 6/4/2012 17:11 - United States - Malvern

Today, my sister gave me a makeover. I protested, but she insisted it'd look great. After an eternity of eyebrow plucking, she handed me the mirror. I now have extremely badly-drawn sharpie eyebrows. FML

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By Pikababy19 - 18/8/2016 23:12 - United States - Mount Vernon

Today, I woke up and heard the shower running. Would have been nice to know my father in law was here before I walked in naked. FML

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By longdrive - 14/10/2014 05:17 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I left for a fifteen-hour drive with two guys who won't stop talking in a Yoda voice. Sick of this nonsense, I am. FML

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By egsrox95 - 1/11/2017 00:30

Today, my best friend had the balls to call me an alcoholic. She snuck vodka on a cruise ship in a Listerine bottle. I've never had a drink. FML

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By brokenarm - 3/3/2010 16:46 - Germany

Today, I went to the pharmacy and asked the very attractive pharmacist what to do about the terrible itching under my cast. She told me to be a man and deal with it. FML

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By implantme - 11/5/2017 14:00

Give Me Novacaine

Today, I learnt that my tooth is cracking due to a crown that was put in this past October to prevent the previous crown from doing that. Cheers to an implant at 25 years old. FML

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By Sammy - 25/2/2013 07:25 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I came home to find that while my husband and children were mindlessly watching TV, one of our dogs got into the cupboard that stores the deep fryer. He got the lid off, ate all of the old oil and barfed everything up on the couch. FML

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By klaatu barada nikto - 20/1/2015 13:23 - United States - Des Moines

Today, at the soup kitchen I volunteer at, a guy called the food crap and threatened to shove his bowl up my ass if I didn't give him something better. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2009 05:01 - United States

Today, I was in a department store with my three year old daughter to buy some new jeans. I took her into the dressing room with me and as I began to take off my pants she yells, "Mommy, you can't go peepee in here!!" I am no longer welcome in that particular store. FML

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By Poser - 20/12/2009 04:24 - Canada

Today, I was at a bar and met this great guy. He was going outside for a smoke and I wanted to go too. Since I don't smoke, I decided to borrow one of my friends cigarettes as an excuse to go outside with him. As I was lighting the cigarette, he pointed out that I was lighting the wrong end. FML

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By Ashamed - 20/4/2012 07:34 - United States - Somerville

Today, I blurted out something like "humdidumdum erm lalala" in public, attracting mystified stares. The thing is, I do this every time I remember something embarrassing I've said or done in the past, in an attempt to erase it out of my consciousness. So it happens a lot. FML

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By Sadmom - 14/9/2016 02:15 - United States - Cherry Hill

Today, I found out that my son thinks it's acceptable to use words like "on fleek" in high school level essays. FML

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By Joe - 4/8/2011 18:28 - United States

Today, I asked a guy if he could buy me a pack of cigarettes, since I'm still under 18. He took my money, went into the supermarket, and must have slipped out a side-entrance, because he never came back. FML

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By failure - 15/10/2014 01:06 - United States - Loomis

Today, my boyfriend told me that he'd feel like a failure if he went to community college. I'm planning to go to community college next year. FML

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By Meow - 11/7/2009 06:28 - Australia

Today, while working at McDonald's a car full of obnoxious teens came through. They had made a $30 order, and handed me a tin of small change, claiming that on a McDonald's ad they saw that we, employees, liked counting change. I had to count out $30 in spare change during a rush period at work. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2012 17:27 - United States - Sandy

Today, I got into an argument with my mom over her sexist, emotionally-abusive boyfriend. I told her that either he goes or I go. She called me a disrespectful bastard for not respecting my "new father." I'm now sitting outside a McDonald's with my suitcase, leeching their WiFi. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/2/2016 11:28 - United States - Lansing

Today, I took my girlfriend out for a romantic dinner, since we can't see each other this Valentine's Day. Halfway through, my aunt called, telling me my grandma had died. I had to leave because I was crying so much, leaving my girlfriend with a very pricey bill. FML

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Top comments

By BrEnNo1023 | 5

#516443 - Wednesday 26 August 2009 16:01

self-obsessed, dysfunctional, heartless people.
fuck her (not literally) kick her out or some shit. don't sit there and take that. DONT.

By curryndricegirll | 0

#516454 - Wednesday 26 August 2009 16:03

sounds like she wasn't "overzealous", sounds like she was just drunk...and if it makes you feel any better, they probably broke the condom and your roommate will probably either be pregnant or have herpes within a month

Comments

By slapper23 | 0

#516424 - Wednesday 26 August 2009 15:57

Should have charged her for the condom!

Reply

HahaYDI | 0

#517123 - Wednesday 26 August 2009 21:56

Should have charged her for the medical bill AND the condom

Reply

Pink_ElePhant88 | 0

#518623 - Thursday 27 August 2009 9:15

And get a new roommate that isn't a bitch that steals your condoms

Reply

ryguy997 | 0

#929863 - Tuesday 9 March 2010 21:46

you can sue for assault. yay a fellow Canadian. FUCK THE USA!!!

Reply

bballer8 | 1

#973436 - Saturday 3 April 2010 5:59

FUCK CANADA

Reply

TheOptimist | 0

#1500971 - Tuesday 5 October 2010 6:56

You can't fuck countries.

Reply

roooose | 6

#1517724 - Friday 8 October 2010 17:09

fuck ur mom. i really cant hear u over hear with all my health benefits.

Reply

TardxxxCake | 4

#2307796 - Thursday 7 April 2011 9:08

112 I luv you xD <3

Reply

Trevormg1 | 4

#3220805 - Friday 2 September 2011 5:50

Nigga how is you gonna borrow a condom nigga is you gonna give it back

Reply

jroxursox1 | 10

#4158221 - Tuesday 13 March 2012 7:07

Yeah they gave us Justin Bieber.

Reply

wolfgold2 | 20

#6003223 - Wednesday 9 July 2014 19:33

Justin Bieber was born in Canada.

However, the person we see today was birthed by America.

By musicboy997 | 0

#516436 - Wednesday 26 August 2009 15:59

tht suck

first losers

Reply

imtheman920 | 0

#516615 - Wednesday 26 August 2009 17:24

1st, really??? Its looks like you were second.

OP: You didn't start yelling to let her know you were there?

Reply

catriona_cd | 0

#518860 - Thursday 27 August 2009 12:31

you fail
your father should have cum in the toilet, not your mother :P

Reply

shinshoku13 | 19

#4132100 - Wednesday 7 March 2012 14:20

^wtf that makes no sense! Women dont cum in toilets... And as for "first" your second idiot and instead of trying to inform the people who can clearly see what number you are, you should inform yourself "first"

Reply

SarahLove45 | 6

#5008603 - Friday 5 October 2012 21:35

He was saying the father should have came in the toilet instead of in the mother. It was poor wording.

By BrEnNo1023 | 5

#516443 - Wednesday 26 August 2009 16:01

self-obsessed, dysfunctional, heartless people.
fuck her (not literally) kick her out or some shit. don't sit there and take that. DONT.

By curryndricegirll | 0

#516454 - Wednesday 26 August 2009 16:03

sounds like she wasn't "overzealous", sounds like she was just drunk...and if it makes you feel any better, they probably broke the condom and your roommate will probably either be pregnant or have herpes within a month

By pinksaint | 0

#516479 - Wednesday 26 August 2009 16:09

sounds drunk

www.pinksaint.com

By unfortunate_13 | 5

#516490 - Wednesday 26 August 2009 16:12

I'm sorry, she's a selfish whore

Reply

22jrdn55 | 15

#518553 - Thursday 27 August 2009 8:23

u mean they shuld've had a threesome?

By Oncoming_Storm | 0

#516494 - Wednesday 26 August 2009 16:13

She "borrowed" a condom, I hope she didn't return it when she'd finished.

Reply

ashleeee | 0

#516681 - Wednesday 26 August 2009 18:00

lmfaooooooooooooooooooooooo thats funnny !

OP tell your roomates payback is a female dog !

By stfuminjakid | 0

#516501 - Wednesday 26 August 2009 16:16

You should make her pay for your medical bills. That's ridiculous

Reply

mmeow | 0

#516521 - Wednesday 26 August 2009 16:25

she lives in Canada. We don't have medical bills.

Reply

Armin_fml | 0

#516825 - Wednesday 26 August 2009 19:25

hehe.. social security.. I love it :)

Reply

mylifeblows3232 | 3

#984375 - Saturday 24 April 2010 23:00

you pay high taxes, horrible doctors, long waits, and selective surgeries. yay socialism!!

By donkey_hang_down | 2

#516509 - Wednesday 26 August 2009 16:19

Sounds like your roommate has some broken ribs as well. Or maybe just a hole in her uterus...

By veghead95 | 6

#516510 - Wednesday 26 August 2009 16:19

Ouch... I agree you should make her pay.