Intimacy: Today, my roommate brought a guy home at 3:30am. Not having a... - FML

By Anonymous - 26/08/2009 05:12 - Canada

Spicy

Today, my roommate brought a guy home at 3:30am. Not having a condom, she ran into my room to borrow one of mine. She was overzealous, jumped onto my bed, and cracked two of my ribs. She then took the condom, left me lying paralyzed with pain, and then had very loud sex, which I heard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 044

You deserved it 4 078

Triage

Walk the line

Road angst

By DaycareMama92 - 28/04/2017 16:00

Today, I fractured a bone in my foot by dropping a shampoo bottle on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 213

You deserved it 398

By Randall - 25/01/2011 07:28 - United States

Today, my uncle had a flashback to Vietnam. I'm now missing a tooth and have a cracked rib. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 561

You deserved it 3 423

By aphre - 18/03/2009 12:35 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend of over a year and I were discussing how neither of us is the other's usual 'type'. I explained that I usually go for insular asshole types and then asked him what made me different from his usual choices. He said 'Oh, well, I usually go for the attractive ones.' FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 731

You deserved it 11 853

By sadSarah - 01/05/2014 09:59 - United States - New York

Today, as I was waiting in line to give my mom her birthday present, my dad gave her the exact same gift I'd also bought for her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 224

You deserved it 4 775

By Username - 08/07/2011 13:24 - United States

Today, I went to an amateur baseball game with some family and friends. When our team hit a home run, my grandpa took it upon himself to start screaming wildly, removing his prosthetic leg and waving it jubilantly in the air. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 524

You deserved it 5 596

By Bad Uncle - 13/05/2018 19:00

Today, I came home to my mother, wife, sister, and certain family members cussing me out. My daughter and niece told them that I took them to visit and pray at The Church of Satan. Girls! It's The Church of Saint Anne! FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 269

You deserved it 428

By drycleanplz - 21/06/2011 02:33 - Reserved

Today, I wore my expensive new white jacket to work, thinking it would be a nice change from my usual black. I managed to lean in printer ink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 556

You deserved it 12 804

By nickyniknaim93 - 11/03/2009 06:07 - United States

Spicy

Today, I found out that the electric nose hair clippers that I've been using for the past two years are in fact my father's pubic hair trimmers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 588

You deserved it 16 926

Can we be friends?

By lonely - 22/03/2021 05:01

Today, my fiancé told me that I need to get out of house and be with my friends. I have no friends here, and my own family doesn’t ever want to go do anything either. I guess I’m not a likable person if even my fiancé is trying to get me out of his hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 758

You deserved it 155

We need to see the video!

By Lightweight - 08/03/2021 20:02

Today, I found out that while some people make out with others when drunk, I apparently sing a weird mash up between "Bad Romance" and Terry Pratchett’s Hedgehog song. My friends recorded it and posted it on Instagram. FML

I agree, your life sucks 608

You deserved it 295

By Anonymous - 24/09/2011 04:40 - United States

Today, I received a serious concussion and several stitches to the back of my head. The attacker? My mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 499

You deserved it 2 932

The geyser

By Anonymous - 15/05/2020 23:00

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend was on top in reverse cowgirl. After she orgasmed, all I heard was, "Oh fuck" and she clenched her butt to try stop, but it was too late, she shot diarrhoea up my stomach, chest and neck. The only reason I didn’t get any in my mouth was because it all got caught in my beard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 233

You deserved it 311

The cheek of some people

By Anonymous - 18/10/2020 14:02

Today, the girl my ex-husband cheated on me with, and left me for, called me and asked for money to bail him out of jail. She asked me because I have my own business and I'm financially stable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 375

You deserved it 88

By pea - 12/09/2011 18:32 - United States

Today, I had a lady come in to order a pizza. She wanted to use a free delivery coupon. After telling her several times that she couldn't use a free delivery coupon, unless she was having the pizza delivered, she told me I have horrible people skills. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 320

You deserved it 3 008

By Big B - 04/02/2009 17:40 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was at the strip club. I put my dollar on the stage. When the stripper came over to take it, she stood me up and flipped my tits and said I had bigger ones than her. I'm a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 996

You deserved it 45 378

By fuckit - 31/01/2009 17:24 - United States

Today, I realized I bought 30 condoms last year. I now have 29. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 184

You deserved it 5 576

By Anonymous - 04/07/2012 17:01 - United States - South Gate

Spicy

Today, I still can't decide whether masturbating while looking at myself makes me narcissistic or just plain pathetic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 632

You deserved it 37 277

TMI

By crazyman. - 12/05/2012 05:27 - United States - Keller

Spicy

Today, my fiancé got drunk at our wedding reception and announced to his and my family what we do in bed. And it was pretty detailed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 585

You deserved it 4 103

By thefailwhale - 16/06/2012 04:58 - United States - Hartford

Today, it was my birthday. When my crush spotted me in the hallway and wished me a Happy Birthday, my nerves got the best of me and I blurted, "You too". FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 967

You deserved it 5 311

By drunk - 06/03/2010 07:38 - Australia

Today, I woke up on a friend's floor with a massive hangover after her party last night. My friend, who was next to me, barfed all over me. She then told me that while I was drunk last night, I made out with her dog as well as two of our other friend's boyfriends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 245

You deserved it 40 810

By ginger - 19/08/2011 10:38 - New Zealand

Today, I got dumped by my boyfriend because he is tired of everyone giving him shit about my ginger hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 057

You deserved it 6 790

By Anonymous - 07/04/2015 21:00 - Canada - Calgary

Spicy

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend repeatedly whispering in my ear, "You want to give me a blowjob". Yes, he actually thought it would work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 890

You deserved it 4 636

By 5minsolder - 08/02/2011 01:21 - United States

Today, I found out that even though my sister and I are identical twins, I'm known as "The ugly one". FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 297

You deserved it 3 608

By Anonymous - 20/01/2011 17:18 - Philippines

Today, I wanted to do something special for my upcoming second anniversary with my girlfriend, so I decided to make a short animation of our lives together since we were preschoolers. In the middle of working on the storyboard, she called and broke up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 637

You deserved it 3 208

By Anonymous - 29/12/2011 22:06 - United States

Today, I found out my girlfriend starts fights with me over text because apparently, when I'm arguing with someone, I stop speaking in "annoying shorthand" and am grammatically correct. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 149

You deserved it 38 636

I am sorry!

By minac11 - 26/01/2020 20:00 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I went to give my boyfriend a hug and accidentally knocked his brand new phone out of his hand. The screen was broken. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 723

You deserved it 334

By wearashirt - 04/12/2009 07:55 - United States

Today, I had to take a test that's required to pass the class. The test administor told us that those of us who were wearing hoodies would have to take them off. I would have taken mine off, but I was only wearing a bra underneath. There's no other days I can reschedule the test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 931

You deserved it 14 416

By first time at McDonald's in months... - 27/03/2013 05:04 - United States

Today, I was at McDonald's. As I left the counter with the food, I heard the cashier mutter, "Fat ass." I turned around and demanded to see the manager. Once he came and heard the situation, he looked at me and said, "Well, it's not like he's wrong, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 158

You deserved it 19 286

By Anonymous - 21/08/2012 16:45 - United States - Lititz

Today, after months of job searching, I finally got a call about one of my applications. I wasn't able to answer it, but he left a voicemail. I've listened to it over and over, and I can't understand the contact information. He called from a restricted number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 618

You deserved it 1 923

By :| - 25/04/2012 18:46 - United States - Saint Petersburg

Today, I heard my neighbors having a violent argument in their front yard. I listened in, and soon found out why the wife wasn't happy with her husband. Apparently, she had caught her husband peeking through my windows for the second time this month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 817

You deserved it 2 365

By petra84 - 22/10/2012 22:34 - United States - Evans

Today, I let a friend borrow a power saw. When I found it on my porch later, the blade was missing and the cord was cut. Looking closer, I realized it was his saw. He kept my new one. He totally denies that he switched them and now won't answer his door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 032

You deserved it 2 246

By Anonymous - 17/07/2015 18:11 - United States

Today, after months of hardcore training, free of injuries, I pinched a nerve in my neck while putting on a swimsuit to lie in the sun doing nothing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 851

You deserved it 2 418

By GeofftyGeoff - 27/10/2018 15:30

Today, my former boss, a landlord, came through on his "parting gift" to me. I thought he was joking when he said he'd send a deranged tenant of ours cross-country by bus to stay with me for a week. It wasn't a joke. Send help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 045

You deserved it 149

By Talkingbeforethinking - 16/03/2019 18:00

Today in class I accidentally called my teacher very old and almost dead. As we were discussing a book I said that the book character is very old and close to death since it fitted to the context. Turns out this character is one year younger than my teacher and she wasn't amused. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 641

You deserved it 590

By embarrassedinretail - 20/01/2010 10:01 - Australia

Today, whilst at work, my dad decided to call me and sing an entire rendition of 'The Gambler' by Kenny Rogers. There was a big line of people, and my boss had been standing nearby checking out my phone. I had to stand there and listen to the whole song. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 813

You deserved it 4 886

By notastoner - 19/06/2011 06:38 - United States

Today, I left early from a trashy dance and bought a soda at a Shell station. The clerk asked me if I had been smoking weed. When I replied "No", he said "You mean you always look like that?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 540

You deserved it 5 582

By Anonymous - 29/01/2013 04:44 - United States

Today, I was telling my boyfriend how proud I am of him for finding a really good job. He interrupted me to tell me that my breath smelled like his cat's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 310

You deserved it 8 827

By toothache - 10/03/2009 01:03 - United States

Today, I had my wisdom teeth pulled. There was a cyst behind one of them, and the dentist decided to extract it - except the Novocaine didn't reach that far back. I raised my hand like they said to do, and the dentist looked at me writing in pain and said, "No, you're fine." FML

I agree, your life sucks 76 115

You deserved it 3 288

Does she really love me?

By fml9124 - 07/11/2019 20:00

Today, my wife and I watch the Chargers play the Packers. Philip Rivers is the Chargers quarterback. Out of the blue, my wife says "Philip is a stupid name." My middle name is Philip. We have been married 32 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 818

You deserved it 286

By gymgirl - 17/12/2013 23:48 - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, while at the gym, I noticed a creepy-looking guy watching me. When I got up from the equipment, I noticed that he sniffed the seat. I didn't say anything the first time. After he did it the second time, I asked him to stop. He bent down and sniffed it without breaking eye contact. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 239

You deserved it 3 813

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

Send a private message

Wednesday 26 August 2009 16:01

self-obsessed, dysfunctional, heartless people. fuck her (not literally) kick her out or some shit. don't sit there and take that. DONT.

curryndricegirll 0

Send a private message

Wednesday 26 August 2009 16:03

sounds like she wasn't "overzealous", sounds like she was just drunk...and if it makes you feel any better, they probably broke the condom and your roommate will probably either be pregnant or have herpes within a month

Comments

Send a private message

Wednesday 26 August 2009 15:57

Should have charged her for the condom!

Send a private message

Wednesday 26 August 2009 21:56

Should have charged her for the medical bill AND the condom

Pink_ElePhant88 0

Send a private message

Thursday 27 August 2009 9:15

And get a new roommate that isn't a bitch that steals your condoms

Send a private message

Tuesday 9 March 2010 21:46

you can sue for assault. yay a fellow Canadian. FUCK THE USA!!!

Send a private message

Saturday 3 April 2010 5:59

FUCK CANADA

Send a private message

Tuesday 5 October 2010 6:56

You can't fuck countries.

Send a private message

Friday 8 October 2010 17:09

fuck ur mom. i really cant hear u over hear with all my health benefits.

Send a private message

Thursday 7 April 2011 9:08

112 I luv you xD <3

Send a private message

Friday 2 September 2011 5:50

Nigga how is you gonna borrow a condom nigga is you gonna give it back

Send a private message

Tuesday 13 March 2012 7:07

Yeah they gave us Justin Bieber.

Send a private message

Wednesday 9 July 2014 19:33

Justin Bieber was born in Canada. However, the person we see today was birthed by America.

Send a private message

Wednesday 26 August 2009 15:59

tht suck first losers

Send a private message

Wednesday 26 August 2009 17:24

1st, really??? Its looks like you were second. OP: You didn't start yelling to let her know you were there?

Send a private message

Thursday 27 August 2009 12:31

you fail your father should have cum in the toilet, not your mother :P

Send a private message

Wednesday 7 March 2012 14:20

^wtf that makes no sense! Women dont cum in toilets... And as for "first" your second idiot and instead of trying to inform the people who can clearly see what number you are, you should inform yourself "first"

Send a private message

Friday 5 October 2012 21:35

He was saying the father should have came in the toilet instead of in the mother. It was poor wording.

Send a private message

Wednesday 26 August 2009 16:01

self-obsessed, dysfunctional, heartless people. fuck her (not literally) kick her out or some shit. don't sit there and take that. DONT.

curryndricegirll 0

Send a private message

Wednesday 26 August 2009 16:03

sounds like she wasn't "overzealous", sounds like she was just drunk...and if it makes you feel any better, they probably broke the condom and your roommate will probably either be pregnant or have herpes within a month

Send a private message

Wednesday 26 August 2009 16:09

sounds drunk www.pinksaint.com

unfortunate_13 5

Send a private message

Wednesday 26 August 2009 16:12

I'm sorry, she's a selfish whore

Send a private message

Thursday 27 August 2009 8:23

u mean they shuld've had a threesome?

Oncoming_Storm 0

Send a private message

Wednesday 26 August 2009 16:13

She "borrowed" a condom, I hope she didn't return it when she'd finished.

Send a private message

Wednesday 26 August 2009 18:00

lmfaooooooooooooooooooooooo thats funnny ! OP tell your roomates payback is a female dog !

Send a private message

Wednesday 26 August 2009 16:16

You should make her pay for your medical bills. That's ridiculous

mmeow 0

Send a private message

Wednesday 26 August 2009 16:25

she lives in Canada. We don't have medical bills.

Send a private message

Wednesday 26 August 2009 19:25

hehe.. social security.. I love it :)

mylifeblows3232 3

Send a private message

Saturday 24 April 2010 23:00

you pay high taxes, horrible doctors, long waits, and selective surgeries. yay socialism!!

donkey_hang_down 2

Send a private message

Wednesday 26 August 2009 16:19

Sounds like your roommate has some broken ribs as well. Or maybe just a hole in her uterus...

Send a private message

Wednesday 26 August 2009 16:19

Ouch... I agree you should make her pay.

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 808

You deserved it 109

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 203

You deserved it 291