Miscellaneous: Today, I came home after a long day at work, and decided to tidy...

By Anonymous - 17/12/2013 17:20 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I came home after a long day at work, and decided to tidy up a bit before finally settling down to relax. I went to take the garbage out, when the bag split and out fell the trash along with hundreds of tiny red ants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 063

You deserved it 3 273

Miscellaneous

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Batman

Best teeth in the game

By ? - 20/02/2013 18:20 - United States - El Cajon

Today, my girlfriend of nine months made a huge scene in public, calling me a "cheating bastard" because she saw me with another woman at the library. That "other woman" is my Calculus tutor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 488

You deserved it 3 493

By mnavy - 28/09/2009 16:24 - United States

Today, while wearing my Navy Dress White Uniform, I decided to stop and help this attractive girl who was not feeling well. Without warning, she blew chunks all over my "Whites". I have a uniform inspection later this afternoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 463

You deserved it 5 017

By - 21/10/2013 16:57 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I learned where my mom's "special hiding spot" that I'll "never find" for the Halloween chocolate is, when I preheated the oven to make cookies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 595

You deserved it 4 594

Toxic masculinity

By BigGinge - 10/07/2021 22:01

Today, I'm depressed. After trying to talk to my boss about it, twice, as it has been affecting my work, I've been told to, "Stop thinking about it" and to, "Man up." He has also told me to come to him with any problems I'm having, and to be honest with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 853

You deserved it 136

By Anonymous - 22/04/2009 20:15 - Canada

Today, as soon as I got home, my girlfriend was waiting for me at the door. She told me she was breaking up with me, the reason? She found a girl's shirt in my closet and that she didn't need a cheating boyfriend. That shirt was mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 339

You deserved it 12 455

By Anonymous - 01/04/2016 01:54 - Australia - Stafford

Today, my best friend finally broke up with her knob of a boyfriend. This would be great except now my boyfriend of two years has broken up with me because she's finally single. She introduced us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 403

You deserved it 1 457

By lonely - 12/04/2010 00:27 - United States

Today, the Jehovah's Witnesses were at my door. Normally I don't give them the time of day, but I was so lonely for company, I let them in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 011

You deserved it 7 721

By WaitingByThePhone - 09/07/2009 05:36 - United States

Today, I got excited when my cell phone lit up because I hadn't received a single phone call all day. Turns out it was the "low battery" indicator. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 812

You deserved it 11 414

By ToiletTroubles - 03/07/2013 16:19 - United Kingdom

Today, I was taking some clothes downstairs to wash, when my mum stopped me. She accused me of sleeping around and trying to hide something, since she did the washing yesterday. She made me admit in front of the whole family that I'd been "surprised" by a case of diarrhea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 015

You deserved it 3 110

By anonymous - 05/09/2012 13:51 - Australia - Mittagong

Today, I had to give a speech as part of my campaign for school captain. I was rather happy with it and so I told another candidate my speech. Apparently it was a good idea as minutes later that same candidate stole my entire speech, leaving me looking like a complete idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 916

You deserved it 37 699

Bae goals

By ninithel - 02/09/2021 16:01 - United Kingdom

Today, I learned that when my partner says, "Let's cuddle up, watch something and spend the night together," he means ,"I'm gonna wank and fall asleep at 8.30 with my phone playing videos." FML

I agree, your life sucks 960

You deserved it 151

Happy…

By Anonymous - 01/12/2010 23:02 - United States

Today, it was my birthday. My parents got me a box of cupcakes. My brother got me a deck of cards. My aunt got me a brochure on how to quit smoking. I have diabetes, I don't play cards, and I don't smoke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 304

You deserved it 3 534

By frgn8r - 31/05/2010 11:59 - Australia

Today, my friends and I finished a 2 day, 40km bush walk. We parked a car at the finish of the track and drove another car to the start, so we could drive back and pick it up when we finished. At the end of the trek, I realised I had left the keys for the second car in the first car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 124

You deserved it 35 880

By Jessica - 08/07/2011 00:58 - Australia

Today, I met my boyfriend's sophisticated grandparents. I politely introduced myself. The first words to come out of his granny's mouth were, "If something happens to him, you won't get a f*cking cent of the insurance money, you hear?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 541

You deserved it 3 106

By Anonymous - 13/03/2011 21:51 - United States

Today, I had to wait an hour in the awful rain for my mom to pick me up, because she didn't realize the clocks had gone forward already. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 582

You deserved it 4 193

By Anonymous - 05/07/2009 12:11 - United States

Today, while working as a cashier, I was ringing up an elderly woman's massaging shower head, when she said, "If I had a man like you, I wouldn't need this." She then gave me her number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 887

You deserved it 3 428

By Anonymous - 20/04/2011 07:27 - South Africa

Today, I'm a student vet. Part of my holiday work is to gain experience working at a dairy. A cow came on to the platform for me to inject her udder. As I was bent over, she decided to take a dump. Onto my left eyeball. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 019

You deserved it 6 186

Classic story

By Anonymous - 06/04/2021 16:00 - United States - Wilton

Today, I’m getting so old that the local radio station that plays the “old classics” is playing songs I listened to in high school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 808

You deserved it 134

By Anonymous - 06/09/2011 01:03 - United States

Today, I went to visit my alcoholic father. He remembered to ask me how my dog Reggie is, but could not remember the name of "my pal." My "pal" is also my wife of four years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 962

You deserved it 2 385

By aaannnddd there goes my boner - 28/11/2013 22:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I arrived at work six minutes late due to heavily congested traffic. This is just two days after my boss put out a memo saying that anyone who's late to work from then until the new year will have their holiday bonus pay forfeited. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 131

You deserved it 8 391

By Anonymous - 16/09/2010 04:12 - United States

Today, I was on the phone with my boyfriend who's sick, he told me he felt sleepy due to meds and was going to bed. I jokingly said, "you're going to call your other girlfriend, aren't you?" There was silence before I heard, "you weren't supposed to find out like this." FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 223

You deserved it 4 499

By Noname - 10/03/2009 18:52 - United States

Today, me and my boyfriend had some crazy rough sex. In the process I ended up with huge bruises and bite marks all over my neck and chest. I'm giving a speech on domestic violence today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 345

You deserved it 92 058

By Niles - 20/03/2012 17:46 - Canada - North Vancouver

Today, I was taking a shower, when my dad decided to turn off the water to the house, run upstairs, and throw a bucket of freezing cold sludge into the shower with me. He wouldn't turn the water back on for 2 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 277

You deserved it 2 812

By Ouch - 10/04/2011 08:55 - Canada

Today, I went outside to smoke a cigarette. I had my headphones in and was blasting my music. It was also cold so I had my hood up. I had my back turned to the house and wasn't paying attention. My brother thought I was a burglar and tackled me to the concrete. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 850

You deserved it 30 657

By Anonymous - 03/10/2009 12:29 - United States

Today, I spent the entire day packing my car full of boxes for my move tomorrow. When I finally finished, I realized I didn't have the car key. It's inside one of the boxes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 672

You deserved it 32 126

By bshoemaker45601 - 08/06/2016 20:57 - United States - Circleville

Today, I got a job at a casino where I was actually planning on spending my 21st birthday next month. After they hired me, they told me no employees are allowed to play or gamble on or off the clock, for as long as they are employed there, or termination will immediately follow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 267

You deserved it 3 481

By FML_Elle - 06/10/2012 15:52 - United States

Today, I was walking in the freezing rain when a guy asked me if I wanted to share his umbrella with him. I grinned and told him I did. He then noticed a pretty girl walking behind me and he abruptly turned to her and asked her the same question. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 865

You deserved it 2 289

You go Glenn Coco!

By Anonymous - 20/10/2020 17:07

Today, my very top boyfriend told me he was ready to try being the bottom. He moaned and complained about the pain the entire time, even though I got less than 2 inches in, and then got angry I was taking so long to cum. I thought I was the drama queen in our house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 183

You deserved it 286

Where is it?

By Anonymous - 26/10/2019 18:00

Today, as I was reviewing my EMS textbook, I decided I would practice taking my own pulse. I started with finding my femoral artery with no success. My mom walked in on me while I had my hand almost up my crotch, muttering to myself, "Why don't I have one?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 526

You deserved it 357

By McSlave - 18/01/2015 07:04 - Australia - Cammeray

Today, a customer tried to order a Zinger burger. I tried to explain that he was at McDonalds and that the Zinger is a KFC burger. He accused me of lying to him and tried to report me to my manager. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 874

You deserved it 2 393

Classic switcheroo

By Anonymous - 05/01/2021 11:01

Today, I had a movie date planned with a guy. After a polite exchange, we were interrupted by a phone call from his colleague saying they had an emergency that needed his attention. He excused himself to take the call, telling me he wouldn't be long. He drove off and blocked my number the moment he stepped out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 057

You deserved it 102

By liz - 08/03/2010 01:46 - United States

Today, at work, I had toast thrown at me by an old Vietnam vet. Who also happens to have a dead cat in his freezer. I love retirement homes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 531

You deserved it 2 579

By animalover - 13/08/2009 16:49 - United States

Today, I swerved to avoid hitting a dog that ran in front of my car. The dog was fine but I hit a road sign, ripped off my rearview mirror, and cracked my passenger side window. When I got out to examine the damage to my car, the dog growled at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 747

You deserved it 6 591

By essay2 - 24/09/2011 18:47 - United States

Today, I found out that the double spacing format in an essay refers to the space between each line, not the words. I've been pressing the space bar twice between each word all through high school and halfway through college. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 186

You deserved it 83 185

By xxx - 03/10/2015 13:38 - United States - Chesapeake

Today, I watched porn on my phone for the first time and it went black and shut down. In reality my phone just died. But I thought for a few seconds the government found me out. Paranoia much. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 122

You deserved it 8 300

By Anonymous - 20/01/2010 18:21 - United States

Today, I decided to treat my yeast infection over the counter to avoid going to the doctor. Too bad I didn't read the directions. Now I have to go to the doctor to get the tip of the applicator removed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 734

You deserved it 38 859

By OL2R - 17/04/2012 08:29 - United States - Somerville

Today, my best friend texted me saying she is determined to find out what skank her brother is sneaking around with. I've been secretly dating her brother for months; apparently I'm the skank. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 063

You deserved it 39 180

By Puppylove - 26/02/2013 18:09 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at my friend's house, when she commented that her dog's fur kept getting tangled because of its length. I reached over to tickle his tummy, felt a big tangled knot and agreed that he needed a good grooming. Then I realized what I'd grabbed wasn't fur. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 845

You deserved it 10 247

By Anonymous - 11/09/2010 04:01 - United States

Today, I went to a school football game alone. I sat next to these hot girls. To seem cool, I picked up my phone and had a fake conversation with the coolest guy in the grade. Halfway through, he came over and talked to the girls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 655

You deserved it 62 447

By Labro9 - 23/10/2016 08:20

Today, as I was transcribing my manager's recorded orated memo, I heard an unmistakable grunt and splash of an impromptu "bathroom deposit". Seems my manager is economising his time like never before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 472

You deserved it 653

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Top comments

jgmarines 4

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Tuesday 17 December 2013 22:55

Kill them with fire

TourettesGuyFTW 25

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Tuesday 17 December 2013 22:55

Ant that the worst! Don't let it bug you too much.

jgmarines 4

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Tuesday 17 December 2013 22:55

Kill them with fire

thweakmn 3

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Thursday 19 December 2013 7:14

Bro, they're already fire ants

colby6666 42

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Wednesday 18 June 2014 14:50

Run.

TourettesGuyFTW 25

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Tuesday 17 December 2013 22:55

Ant that the worst! Don't let it bug you too much.

scarletclaw 11

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Wednesday 18 December 2013 8:38

Don't get mad get Glad!

TheCerealKiller 24

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Tuesday 17 December 2013 22:55

Could be worse. For instance, it could be a bunch of spiders.

Sports_guy3 28

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Tuesday 17 December 2013 23:00

That you had almost swallowed.

RenoTheRhino 30

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Tuesday 17 December 2013 23:23

Or hundreds of baby centipedes....Oh..god.

BubbleGrunge 18

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Wednesday 18 December 2013 0:01

Roaches??

purrypie 9

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Wednesday 18 December 2013 0:04

Hi, I'd like to leave the planet please. Yes this happened after you suggested that

Zaros_fml 24

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Wednesday 18 December 2013 0:26

Nopenopenope.

ohSNAPyall 26

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Wednesday 18 December 2013 4:12

Apparently your trash is infested with red ants. Spiders would keep your home biter-free.

fucMyLifeSoHard 18

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Wednesday 18 December 2013 4:35

5- Do you often find yourself eating your trash?

Puffgurl 6

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Wednesday 18 December 2013 17:23

But spiders bite

Not_Impressed13 9

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Thursday 19 December 2013 15:00

#33 - #5 was trying to tie into a previous FML...

jsni2132 18

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Tuesday 17 December 2013 22:57

Reading that left me *puts on sunglasses* splitting at the sides

Zaros_fml 24

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Wednesday 18 December 2013 0:28

I want to hate you, but I can't.

TourettesGuyFTW 25

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Wednesday 18 December 2013 1:43

**All you need is love**

wardo 4

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Wednesday 18 December 2013 17:28

Shut the fuck up

autinyork 6

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Tuesday 17 December 2013 23:00

Spray them with a hose and then get shrunken down by them to only realize how hard the work. WHOOP ANT BULLYYYYYYY

iLike2Teabag 27

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Wednesday 18 December 2013 5:57

What are you smoking?

animalxcrackers 20

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Tuesday 17 December 2013 23:02

Jeez, how long had you left it there?

zoepie 7

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Tuesday 17 December 2013 23:06

Nuke the neighborhood, you might be safe then.

Bumblebrea99 14

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Tuesday 17 December 2013 23:08

Next time you should double bag! :P

TourettesGuyFTW 25

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Wednesday 18 December 2013 3:42

I read that last part as douche bag...

RenoTheRhino 30

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Tuesday 17 December 2013 23:10

Vacuum time.

zoegirl_455 30

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Tuesday 17 December 2013 23:15

Time to get a new house!

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 924

You deserved it 121

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 229

You deserved it 295

Toxic masculinity

Bae goals

Happy…

Classic story

You go Glenn Coco!

Where is it?

Classic switcheroo

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