Miscellaneous: Today, I came home after a long day at work, and decided to tidy...

By Anonymous - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I came home after a long day at work, and decided to tidy up a bit before finally settling down to relax. I went to take the garbage out, when the bag split and out fell the trash along with hundreds of tiny red ants. FML

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Miscellaneous

Dangling modifier

Time don't heal nothing

Zoom this, bitches!

By heartbroken - Canada

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me, all because whenever I laugh I say "lol." FML

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12219

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By Fingkids - United States

Today, I fell asleep at work and woke up with penis sharpied on my face. I'm a kindergarten teacher. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18256

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By Starter656

Today, I'm the designated driver for a Christmas party I wasn't even invited to. Not only do I get to watch people have a good time, but I'm also supposed to not get involved in the party. FML

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4294

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By idiotwithaface - United States

Today, I recently graduated from highschool and I went to a college party. I met these girls and told them I graduated college already, to sound cool. I then heard one of them say "I went to middle school with you, and I was in your math class." FML

I agree, your life sucks

7480

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By victoriassecret - United States

Today, I finally felt ready to take my bra off during sex. My breasts had "deflated" somewhat due to weight loss and I was really self-conscious about them, but my boyfriend insisted I was hot no matter what. When the bra came off, the dick got soft. FML

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35431

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By Quicky5_ - United States - Jasper

Today, at work, my coworker's belongings went missing. Infuriated, she accused me of stealing, because I'm black and "stereotypes don't just make themselves." FML

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31057

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Burnham

Today, I found out why my bank balance is so unusually low. It turns out that I bought a car in Indonesia. I've never been to Indonesia. FML

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By tukker - Canada

Today, my brother replaced my cologne with whiskey. I have a job interview and I smell like a drunk. FML

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47721

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By DieTrying - United States

Today, while in bed with my fiancée, I asked her to take off her pants so we could get it on. She said, "No, I don't feel like squeezing into them again." I was cockblocked by a pair of jeans. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35092

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to the sound of a Suburban crashing through my fence and striking the tree in my front yard. After filling out the police report, the driver repeatedly asked me to give him a lift to work. He seemed confused by my speechlessness. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28468

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Uppsala

Today, I just about managed to convince the judge to overlook my client's emotional outbursts in the courtroom, promising that he'd be on his best behavior from now on. An hour later, he screamed "FUCK YOU!" at the judge for telling him to quiet down. I hate my job. FML

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By JoanT - 31/8/2020 20:01 - United States - Kailua Kona

Bed of nails

Today, my boyfriend’s bed is so uncomfortable that even after six months of not seeing him, I’m sleeping on the floor so I can actually get some sleep. FML

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By . - Germany - Neuwied

Today, I had to hide some Oreos inside my bra to motivate my husband to get close to me. FML

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18118

You deserved it

1838

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By Well, shit - United States - San Francisco

Today, my parents forced me to write a thank you letter to my uncle who passed away a week after Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19110

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By ug - Canada

Today, my crush took me out to lunch. When the waiter came for our orders he ordered onoin rings and looks at me and says, "I won't be kissing anyone tonight anyways." FML

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53637

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By Devildrake - Australia

Today, I went into work early so I could get my work all done and leave on time, rather than staying back. The later shift starters had other ideas and called in sick. FML

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28729

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By wtf is a naruto?! - United States - Hesperia

Today, I was helping my cousin plan her backyard wedding. I requested September 19-21 off for visiting and festivities. My asshole of a boss is refusing, because of some proposed Area 51 invasion. I have no idea what he’s talking about, and I’m afraid I might miss the wedding. FML

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1850

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142

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By Viciousvixen_21 - United States

Today, I asked my 2 year old son to clean up his toys. When I bent down to give him a good job kiss afterwards, he punched me in the nose. FML

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36584

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By KiwiMaid - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, I got excited because my husband will be away for 5 days, which means I'll be able to deep clean the house. FML

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12843

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By SK8WITME - India

Today, a short guy asked me how the world looked "up there", as I'm really tall. I decided to lift him up so he could see for himself. I failed both times I tried, to the great amusement of everyone watching. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19062

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By Anonymous - United States - Surprise

Today, I had surgery on my arm. My mom has recently had the same surgery and my dad is having his first rib removed and won't be able to move his arm. My family combined now has three functioning arms. FML

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26668

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By Anonymous - United States - Tallahassee

Today, while checking my voicemail, I noticed I had received one from a job that I've been trying to get in for months. Too bad they called two weeks ago. FML

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7867

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By fuckingcool

Today, my mother once again brought up how I would have done so much better in my Track season if I just smiled while I ran. Apparently, if you just smile, your brain won't know you're in pain. I don't think it works like that, but thanks for the advice mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13556

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By stellarshaun - United States

Today, I was naked in bed. I was eating vanilla yogurt and it spilt. My dad walked in and then apologized that he had walked in on me while I was masturbating. FML

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25186

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By Anonymous - United States - Kennebunk

Memory man

Today, my girlfriend and I were doing the dirty, when she told me to say her full name, including her middle name. I'd forgot her middle name. It was completely awkward after. I'm a dumbass. FML

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7649

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By dave - United States

Today, I took a trip to Wal-Mart. There's a car wash that they conveniently built right outside of this Wal-Mart. So as I was leaving, I decided to make use of this car wash, not even thinking about the $200 worth of groceries I had just purchased. I drive a pick-up truck. FML

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9709

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By Backinzi - United States

Today, my 17 pound cat fell from a counter. It wouldn't have been a big deal if he didn't try to use my leg as a tree to cling onto on the way down. FML

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32033

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By hopeless - United States - Annandale On Hudson

Today, I confessed my feelings to the only man I've ever loved. He asked me for dating advice. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10278

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792

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By ohboy - United States

Today, I was supposed to see an apartment. 30 minutes after I was to meet the owner, she still hadn't shown. I called her. When I got no response, I was annoyed and kept calling. Finally, she answered, said, "I'm in the hospital with my father. He just died. Please stop calling me," and hung up. FML

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53944

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By me - United States

Today, at 3:00 am, I sat with my 3 year-old adopted daughter while she tried to go back to sleep. She had had a nightmare, and I read that "not leaving" was the most important thing a father could do. My wife woke and called me a pervert for sitting there. FML

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69241

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By Dangling - United States - Lizella

Today, as I entered our narrow hallway while leaving the bathroom, my belt loop caught on the knob of a nearby closet. My husband had to come and rescue me as I hung there, my ass in the air. FML

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11416

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By grossed the f out

Today, I found out my boyfriend of two years, the father of my son, has been the pervert who has been harassing my mother with weird texts and pictures of his knob. The cops told me after we went to the police station to report it and catch the creep. FML

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35994

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By username - 6/6/2020 08:04

Keep out

Today, my social awkwardness got to an all-time high when I hoped that I wouldn't get the job that I applied for, because I'd be working with the public. FML

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1272

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By Scotty - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I met someone who works in radio advertising. Making conversation, I described an ad that I can't stand. He wrote it. FML

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41890

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By probably on death row soon - United States - Winter Park

Thanks, "Bro"

Today, my brother "pranked" me by dropping my new laptop out my bedroom window. He'd set up a saran wrap safety net below to catch my laptop safely, but he didn't secure it well enough. My laptop is completely fucked and he won't accept responsibility because he didn't mean to break it. FML

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28057

You deserved it

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By CK95 - United States

Today, I woke up after a night of New Year's Eve partying. I remember the night going great. What I don't remember is laying naked in the shower while my girlfriend ran water over my body to make me feel better. I also made my own funeral plans because I was convinced I was going to die. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28753

You deserved it

7982

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By Anonymous - Denmark

Today, my roommate let out a blood-curdling scream in the bathroom. I ran in to see what was going on, only to find her sitting on the toilet, topless. Turned out she'd tried to pierce her own tit using a clothespin and a needle. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37302

You deserved it

3255

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By Holland

Today, my check engine light came on. I took my car to the dealership, to be told it wasn’t an issue, and I would be fine to drive and use my car normally until my appointment in 4 days. Four hours later, my car won’t start 45 minutes from home. I guess a $200 tow bill means I wasn’t fine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1944

You deserved it

150

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By f*ck - Australia - Reynella

Today, I saw my boss heading my way at work. He has a "no food in the office" policy, so I quickly scarfed down my pop-tart. I ended up choking on it so hard that I threw up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25681

You deserved it

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By V - United States

Today, I met the man of my dreams. Beautiful, smart, academic, charming, a true gentlemen, totally my type. I am at a bar voted "the best gay bar in the world". FML

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30753

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Top comments

By jgmarines | 4

#5795977 - Tuesday 17 December 2013 22:55

Kill them with fire

By TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5795978 - Tuesday 17 December 2013 22:55

Ant that the worst! Don't let it bug you too much.

COMMENTS

By jgmarines | 4

#5795977 - Tuesday 17 December 2013 22:55

Kill them with fire

thweakmn | 3

#5797663 - Thursday 19 December 2013 7:14

Bro, they're already fire ants

colby6666 | 42

#5979585 - Wednesday 18 June 2014 14:50

Run.

By TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5795978 - Tuesday 17 December 2013 22:55

Ant that the worst! Don't let it bug you too much.

scarletclaw | 11

#5796700 - Wednesday 18 December 2013 8:38

Don't get mad get Glad!

By TheCerealKiller | 24

#5795979 - Tuesday 17 December 2013 22:55

Could be worse. For instance, it could be a bunch of spiders.

Sports_guy3 | 28

#5795997 - Tuesday 17 December 2013 23:00

That you had almost swallowed.

RenoTheRhino | 30

#5796022 - Tuesday 17 December 2013 23:23

Or hundreds of baby centipedes....Oh..god.

BubbleGrunge | 18

#5796083 - Wednesday 18 December 2013 0:01

Roaches??

purrypie | 9

#5796087 - Wednesday 18 December 2013 0:04

Hi, I'd like to leave the planet please. Yes this happened after you suggested that

Zaros_fml | 24

#5796135 - Wednesday 18 December 2013 0:26

Nopenopenope.

ohSNAPyall | 26

#5796390 - Wednesday 18 December 2013 4:12

Apparently your trash is infested with red ants. Spiders would keep your home biter-free.

fucMyLifeSoHard | 18

#5796448 - Wednesday 18 December 2013 4:35

5- Do you often find yourself eating your trash?

Puffgurl | 6

#5796950 - Wednesday 18 December 2013 17:23

But spiders bite

Not_Impressed13 | 9

#5797874 - Thursday 19 December 2013 15:00

#33 - #5 was trying to tie into a previous FML...

By jsni2132 | 18

#5795985 - Tuesday 17 December 2013 22:57

Reading that left me *puts on sunglasses* splitting at the sides

Zaros_fml | 24

#5796137 - Wednesday 18 December 2013 0:28

I want to hate you, but I can't.

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5796242 - Wednesday 18 December 2013 1:43

**All you need is love**

wardo | 4

#5796956 - Wednesday 18 December 2013 17:28

Shut the fuck up

By autinyork | 6

#5795998 - Tuesday 17 December 2013 23:00

Spray them with a hose and then get shrunken down by them to only realize how hard the work. WHOOP ANT BULLYYYYYYY

iLike2Teabag | 27

#5796537 - Wednesday 18 December 2013 5:57

What are you smoking?

By animalxcrackers | 20

#5795999 - Tuesday 17 December 2013 23:02

Jeez, how long had you left it there?

By zoepie | 7

#5796005 - Tuesday 17 December 2013 23:06

Nuke the neighborhood, you might be safe then.

By Bumblebrea99 | 14

#5796007 - Tuesday 17 December 2013 23:08

Next time you should double bag! :P

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5796357 - Wednesday 18 December 2013 3:42

I read that last part as douche bag...

By RenoTheRhino | 30

#5796012 - Tuesday 17 December 2013 23:10

Vacuum time.

By zoegirl_455 | 30

#5796016 - Tuesday 17 December 2013 23:15

Time to get a new house!