Miscellaneous: Today, I came home after a long day at work, and decided to tidy...

By Anonymous - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I came home after a long day at work, and decided to tidy up a bit before finally settling down to relax. I went to take the garbage out, when the bag split and out fell the trash along with hundreds of tiny red ants. FML

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Miscellaneous

Stay safe, stay home FFS!

Vicious and unprovoked

Rock and a hard place

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was walking down the street and I saw an old man, and me feeling nice I asked him if I could help him cross the street. He responded with: "Only if you let me touch your tits." FML

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By SplishSplash - United States

Today, we went boating with friends. For some reason the bottom of our tube deflated, causing me to be bounced roughly up and down on the water. As a result, I had the most intense orgasm of my entire life, while sitting 2 inches away from my dad's friend. He definitely noticed. FML

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By Anonymous - Brazil

Today, I was riding my bike down a hill and noticed a pretty girl sitting at the bus stop. I guess I was staring pretty hard, because the next thing I knew, I was swerving off the road and smashing into a tree. She laughed at me. FML

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By embarassed_chick - United States

Today, I got my first period. My dad bought me a card and had everyone in my family sign it. FML

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By CosmicJoke - United States

Today, I found my car had been robbed. The thieves stole my GPS, my iPod and my digital camera. While I was filing the police report, the officer recommended I take photos for insurance purposes. Then she remembered my camera had been stolen. She actually started laughing. FML

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By romancocks - United States - Palatka

Today, some girl in the street mistook me for Richard Simmons. FML

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By disappointed - United States - Rockville

Today, my eldest daughter told me about the sharp pains she's been having for the past couple of days. She also told me how she thinks it's really pointy carrots trying to escape her body. She's 11, and going to middle school. FML

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By anon - United States - Rocklin

Today, I woke up to the sound of my neighbor pleasuring himself. FML

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By acincollege - United States

Today, I jokingly told my mom that I was having sex with my Professor. Her response was, "As long as you're getting A's, honey!" FML

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By amburrr - United States

Today, I was working in my store. Right around closing, a lady came in to try some things on. I went to the back and when I came out, she was standing in the middle of the room with fluid coming from between her legs. I asked her if she was going into labor. She wasn't. She was peeing. FML

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By doomed - United States

Today, my fiancée, who believes in "sex after marriage" like me, told me she was pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at my friends house. It was dark and downpouring so I couldnt see as I was backing out of his driveway. I made it out, but then my phone went off, scaring me, and I accidentally hit the gas pedal, hitting his neighbor's parked car. Turns out he called to warn me to watch out for it. FML

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By notcool - United States

Today, I finished part of a project. When I asked my coworkers what they thought, they said they liked one of the few things that had already been implemented almost a year ago. Thanks for noticing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I thought I might need some anger-management classes, after I punched a hole in a kitchen cabinet when my dog wouldn't stop yapping every time the rooster my neighbors just got made a noise. FML

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By Bloop - United States - Ayer

Today, my girlfriend changed our cable subscription to include MTV. This made us lose the only channel I care about: HBO. Goodbye Game of Thrones, hello Teen Mom. FML

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16269

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By Stressed_Out_Student

That's a lot of damage!

Today, I had to do a still life of a pillowcase for my drawing class. To make up for bad grades I've gotten before, I followed my professor's directions to a T. He took 19 points off because I drew the background when no one else did. We have to do it for every piece. FML

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By buxton1 - United States - Ramona

Today, my high-strung and normally very proper mother took twice her prescribed dose of Ambien, and extolled the virtues of a "full blown sexual relationship with oneself", advising my teenage sister to "only include the men when they behave." FML

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By DayamyWuzHere - United States

Today, some girl punched me in the face and left a huge purple bruise. Apparently her boyfriend has been cheating on her with me because she always sees him walking me home. Her boyfriend is my older brother who didn't bother telling her who I was because "he wanted to see what she would do." FML

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By Hireme

Today, after being unemployed for the last year, I finally got an interview. When they asked me my favorite past time, I panicked and said, "dancing with my cat". I guess I won’t be hearing from them anytime soon. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Maybole

Today, a man asked about fishing in the river which flows beside where I work. I said you could, but anything you caught under 5 inches has to be thrown back. His wife then said, "Wish I knew that before I married him." I started to laugh. The man almost cried and complained to my boss. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Raynham

Today, with 24 inches of snow on the ground, it is raining like hell. The weight of the snow, now full of rain water, collapsed the roof over my living room. I was eating cereal in my underwear, in the living room, directly under the failure. I'm cold. FML

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By almostmugged - United States

Today, as I was walking home, three burly men suddenly began to approach me. Thinking they were going to mug me, I reached for my pocketknife and said "Stay away, I have a knife." Turns out they just wanted directions to an ice cream shop for their daughters, who were now bawling their eyes out. FML

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By American Idiot - United States - Duluth

Today, my husband picked a fight with me because I have more pictures of our child on my desk at work than I do of him. FML

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By ManinBlack - Canada

Today, after months of looking forward to my new fencing lessons and speculating endlessly about the people who might be in my class, I went to my first lesson. I was the only one who showed up. FML

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By hoaloha - United States - Gilbert

Today, I went to the store to buy some new shirts. I tried them on and none of them fit. When I walked out to return the shirts, everybody was staring at me. I looked down to see why. I'd forgotten to put my original shirt back on. FML

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By lolwtfbbq444 - Australia

Today, I was walking to the bus stop when someone slapped an innocent person in the face with a fish. I was that innocent person. FML

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By Anonymous

Noise annoys

Today, my little brother got a violin. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Salinas

Today, I tried to put together some flat-pack furniture. I wound up in my underpants, screaming stuff like, "Fuck you, fucking Ikea bastard" at pieces of confusing plywood. FML

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By Noname - France

Today, the incredibly handsome, talented, hilarious, and intelligent man that I've fallen head over heels like no other for is gay. FML

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By lesousterre - United States - Lees Summit

Today, my grandpa still receives more mail than me. He's been dead for three years. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while swimming in my neighborhood pool, I noticed what looked like several cigarettes resting at the bottom and decided to investigate. Turns out it was actually just a used, bloody tampon that had spent enough time underwater to be broken into multiple pieces, and spread across the pool. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2020 08:03

Planned assault

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be wise to joke that we needed to postpone our reunion for another week. We haven't seen each other for almost 4 months, due to events out of our control. He thinks he's funny. He'll get punched when we do see each other again. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Horsham

Today, I had my first therapy session for the issues caused by trying to please my overbearing, paranoid, self-centred mother. The first thing she did after we started driving home? Ranting at me and demanding to know if I'd been "talking shit" about her to my therapist FML

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By erockinthesuburb - United States

Today, I purchased a box of girl scout cookies from a coworker. I wanted to save them for later at home, so I placed them on my desk and then headed to a meeting. When I returned, there was an empty box sitting there with a post-it note saying, "Thanks!" Nobody will own up to it. FML

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By Kellie - United States

Today, I found a hidden camera in my room equipped with night vision and a microphone. My parents have been spying on me for at least the past year. FML

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By PiMan - United States

Thanks, I hate it

Today, after spending four days having my resume, cover letter, and references proofread and perfected by professionals, I finally submitted it all to the summer internship of my dreams. I received a rejection letter ten minutes later. FML

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By leanne - 16/12/2020 17:58 - United States - Denver

Seasons greetings to you too

Today, I said hi to my coworker and she immediately yelled, "Get your gross unwashed hands out of my face!" I wash my hands compulsively and they were nowhere near her face. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Stockport

Sexy morning

Today, my sister woke me up panicking saying our kitchen was on fire, and we had to leave. She practically dragged me out of bed and all the way to the front door. When we got outside, she suddenly kneed me in the nuts and went back inside, locking the door behind her. I was only wearing boxers. FML

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By Jonas - United States - Wimberley

Today, I realized my paranoia is really bad when I saw my coworker holding a knife and immediately began thinking of ways to keep him from stabbing me. I work in a restaurant kitchen. FML

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By indianaxx - France

Today, my dad came out of a hotel bathroom with nothing but a wash-cloth over his crotch and said "look! this place has cotton loin clothes" in front of my wedding party. FML

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Top comments

By jgmarines | 4

#5795977 - Tuesday 17 December 2013 22:55

Kill them with fire

By TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5795978 - Tuesday 17 December 2013 22:55

Ant that the worst! Don't let it bug you too much.

COMMENTS

By jgmarines | 4

#5795977 - Tuesday 17 December 2013 22:55

Kill them with fire

thweakmn | 3

#5797663 - Thursday 19 December 2013 7:14

Bro, they're already fire ants

colby6666 | 42

#5979585 - Wednesday 18 June 2014 14:50

Run.

By TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5795978 - Tuesday 17 December 2013 22:55

Ant that the worst! Don't let it bug you too much.

scarletclaw | 11

#5796700 - Wednesday 18 December 2013 8:38

Don't get mad get Glad!

By TheCerealKiller | 24

#5795979 - Tuesday 17 December 2013 22:55

Could be worse. For instance, it could be a bunch of spiders.

Sports_guy3 | 28

#5795997 - Tuesday 17 December 2013 23:00

That you had almost swallowed.

RenoTheRhino | 30

#5796022 - Tuesday 17 December 2013 23:23

Or hundreds of baby centipedes....Oh..god.

BubbleGrunge | 18

#5796083 - Wednesday 18 December 2013 0:01

Roaches??

purrypie | 9

#5796087 - Wednesday 18 December 2013 0:04

Hi, I'd like to leave the planet please. Yes this happened after you suggested that

Zaros_fml | 24

#5796135 - Wednesday 18 December 2013 0:26

Nopenopenope.

ohSNAPyall | 26

#5796390 - Wednesday 18 December 2013 4:12

Apparently your trash is infested with red ants. Spiders would keep your home biter-free.

fucMyLifeSoHard | 18

#5796448 - Wednesday 18 December 2013 4:35

5- Do you often find yourself eating your trash?

Puffgurl | 6

#5796950 - Wednesday 18 December 2013 17:23

But spiders bite

Not_Impressed13 | 9

#5797874 - Thursday 19 December 2013 15:00

#33 - #5 was trying to tie into a previous FML...

By jsni2132 | 18

#5795985 - Tuesday 17 December 2013 22:57

Reading that left me *puts on sunglasses* splitting at the sides

Zaros_fml | 24

#5796137 - Wednesday 18 December 2013 0:28

I want to hate you, but I can't.

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5796242 - Wednesday 18 December 2013 1:43

**All you need is love**

wardo | 4

#5796956 - Wednesday 18 December 2013 17:28

Shut the fuck up

By autinyork | 6

#5795998 - Tuesday 17 December 2013 23:00

Spray them with a hose and then get shrunken down by them to only realize how hard the work. WHOOP ANT BULLYYYYYYY

iLike2Teabag | 27

#5796537 - Wednesday 18 December 2013 5:57

What are you smoking?

By animalxcrackers | 20

#5795999 - Tuesday 17 December 2013 23:02

Jeez, how long had you left it there?

By zoepie | 7

#5796005 - Tuesday 17 December 2013 23:06

Nuke the neighborhood, you might be safe then.

By Bumblebrea99 | 14

#5796007 - Tuesday 17 December 2013 23:08

Next time you should double bag! :P

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5796357 - Wednesday 18 December 2013 3:42

I read that last part as douche bag...

By RenoTheRhino | 30

#5796012 - Tuesday 17 December 2013 23:10

Vacuum time.

By zoegirl_455 | 30

#5796016 - Tuesday 17 December 2013 23:15

Time to get a new house!