Today, I came home after a long day at work, and decided to tidy...

By Anonymous - 17/12/2013 17:20 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I came home after a long day at work, and decided to tidy up a bit before finally settling down to relax. I went to take the garbage out, when the bag split and out fell the trash along with hundreds of tiny red ants. FML

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Miscellaneous

Business savvy

Mixed signals

Thanks, I'm cured!

By of course - 20/4/2019 12:00

Today, I woke up at 2 a.m. needing a drink. Not only did my cat wake everyone up when I tripped over him, but I also spilled a whole gallon of milk on myself. FML

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By sunshine - 29/6/2017 02:00

Today, I saw my uncle after six months. The first thing he says to me is, 'I didn't even recognize you! You've gained so much weight.' Gee thanks uncle. Just what I wanted to hear. FML

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By downgirl - 4/11/2015 06:02 - United States - Norman

Today, I saw the pumpkin I had put out for Halloween was starting to get mushy. I went to put it in a trash bag when it slipped out of my hands and burst over my knee. My dog heard the noise, ran into the kitchen and attacked me out of panic. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/1/2012 02:58 - United States

Today, the office tough guy learned how to use the fire extinguisher. On me. I wasn't on fire. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/7/2015 00:52 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I finally finished downloading a 60GB TV series after two weeks of waiting. Every single "episode" turned out to be Rick Astley singing Never Gonna Give You Up, on constant repeat. I almost respect the prankster's effort enough to not want to gut him like a fish. Almost. FML

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By mac cayne - 2/5/2014 03:13 - France - Strasbourg

Today, it's been a week since I found an egg in the street that had seemingly fallen out of a nest. I'd bought a cage and an expensive incubator lamp to save it. It's thus been a week that I've been trying to save a mouldy old potato. FML

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By clothesthief - 3/4/2015 10:44 - Australia - Ivanhoe

Today, I finally had nice enough weather to dry my clothes on the washing line. Two hours later, all my clothes were stolen. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2017 22:00

Today, my boyfriend and I had a lovely dinner date. Our waitress was really sweet, so we talked about leaving her a big tip. When we got home, we discovered we both thought the other person had left it. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2010 08:36 - United States

Today, I went on a date with my new boyfriend. When the check came, he asked, "Do you accept food stamps?" When the waiter said no, he checked in his wallet and said, "Well all I have is five dollars." I ended up picking up the $20 tab. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/3/2013 16:08 - United States - Arlington

Today, I realized that the smell of chlorine has started to turn me on, probably because my girlfriend has an indoor pool in her house. Guess who works as a swim instructor. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2010 04:01 - United States

Today, I went to a school football game alone. I sat next to these hot girls. To seem cool, I picked up my phone and had a fake conversation with the coolest guy in the grade. Halfway through, he came over and talked to the girls. FML

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By crying over wasted milk - 14/8/2019 17:00 - United States - Monterey Park

Today, in a fit of jealousy, my 10 year-old unplugged my freezer and lifted the lid before bed. It’s over 80°F in my garage. Now, my entire supply of breast milk is destroyed. Not only do I not have enough stored to feed my own baby, I was also donating to local hospitals. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/12/2010 15:12 - United States

Today, I met up with an old high school friend who I used to make fun of because he put so much effort into his studies. Turns out he makes my annual salary in a month. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2018 06:00

Today, my boyfriend and I were finally having some intimate alone time together. When we really started getting into it, he suddenly prematurely jizzed in my eye. I now need surgery and have to explain to my family how I almost lost my eye. FML

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By mathesonn - 29/5/2014 23:32 - United States - Auburn

Today, out of habit from twelve years of karate classes, I bowed to my teacher as I exited my classroom. My chemistry classroom. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/3/2020 18:01 - United States - Springfield

Out of the frying pan…

Today, it's been 2 days since I got over having the flu for over a week, missing work the whole time. I just got food poisoning. FML

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By xXx3mi_MuffinxXx - 1/7/2011 19:23 - United States

Today, I had to tell my best friend that I couldn't make it to the lake today or tomorrow because I'd been called in to work. She won't believe me and thinks I'm simply avoiding her. I got called in to bathe and clean dogs' anal glands. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/9/2010 21:28 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that my mother has been seeing my maths teacher. I'm still failing his class. FML

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By Andy - 13/5/2012 02:21 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I attended a formal banquet. The host was delivering a speech, when I felt the urge to pee, so I tried to quietly excuse myself. My chair screeched over the floor as I got up, I tripped over my own feet, and I accidentally took the door leading outdoors, where I ended up peeing in shame. FML

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By nr1234 - 24/5/2011 04:27 - United States

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend gets a nose bleed every time he orgasms. FML

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By purplexangel - 2/8/2012 17:32 - United States - Lubbock

Today, I tried to stand by my toaster and train myself to not jump when it popped up. Not only did I jump, I also knocked the toaster off the counter and onto my toes. FML

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By JaneDoe - 4/4/2013 02:51 - United States - Salisbury

Today, it was my friend's birthday, so I baked him a cake complete with his name written on it in homemade frosting. After I gave it to him, his mother berated me for it, saying I should have checked with her first before making a cake for her son. He's 28. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/11/2019 05:00 - United States

Size Queen

Today, my girlfriend and I were taking a shower together. We were fooling around when she took the shower head and started spraying my penis with it. I asked her, "What are you doing?" Her response, "I'm watering it to make it grow." FML

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By Bridget - 6/5/2012 18:01 - United Kingdom

Today, I married the man of my dreams. While I was being driven to our wedding reception, I checked my Facebook. My husband had just updated his status to "Me and the bitch just got hitched." FML

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By elsaza - 18/11/2008 12:16 - France

Today, I was on a date with my new boyfriend. I acted very flirty and laughed very loudly to show him how funny he was. I laughed so loudly that I farted. FML

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By R281780 - 14/2/2016 15:53 - United States - San Jose

Today, my girlfriend is locked in the bathroom crying because I didn't buy her anything for Valentine's Day, even though Friday, at her suggestion, we agreed not to exchange gifts because both of our birthdays are a week away. FML

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By Yoshi - 31/1/2009 20:01 - United States

Today, I was with the guy I am seeing and I were fooling around in my room. I asked him if he wanted to have sex. He said he didn't have time because he had to go play Mario Kart. FML

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By damnit - 25/8/2009 06:44 - Australia

Today, I got my first tattoo. It's a large broadsword which runs the length of my spine. I went home to show it off and learned that the hilt on my neck looks just like a penis when the rest of it is covered with my shirt. FML

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By dayum - 10/12/2009 21:03 - Mexico

Today, my grandpa was wearing flip flops and white socks. He entered my restroom, and the moment he did it, I realized there was no toilet paper left. I felt too ashamed to interrupt his dump, so I waited for him to ask for paper, he never did and came out without socks. FML

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By pandabear - 12/2/2010 19:52 - United Kingdom

Today, I got an alert from Facebook that it was my very popular and attractive classmate's birthday. I decided to be sweet and write "Happy birthday" on her wall, only to notice it wasn't there a few minutes later. I rewrote it again and it disappeared. After three attempts, I took the hint. FML

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By Katyness - 10/5/2016 20:20 - United Kingdom

Today, the canteen of the company I work for introduced a cash-less payment method to purchase food. To use it, employees must download the app, which is only available for iPhones. I have a BlackBerry. FML

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By lydiacoolness - 8/8/2009 02:27 - New Zealand

Today, I got my annual blood test. The nurse was inexperienced and it took her several tries to insert the needle properly. When I get back home, my fiancé starts yelling at me and storms out. The reason? I am a recovering drug addict and my arm appeared as if I had been shooting up. FML

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By kaileekat517 - 21/11/2010 18:36 - United States

Today, instead of going to a romantic dinner with my boyfriend like I'd planned, I ended up babysitting his queasy little sister. FML

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By unimpressed bride - 22/11/2015 06:10 - United States - Traverse City

Today, it's been two weeks since I got married. It's also two weeks since my husband got cold feet about moving in together, because he thinks the sudden change would be too emotionally distressing for his cat. FML

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By spriggs - 25/7/2010 09:06 - United States

Today, I was walking down the street and spotted a man who was about 6 and a half feet tall passing by me. As he passed me, I turned and asked him "How's the weather up there?" He then turned around, spat on me, and replied "Raining." FML

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By Anonymous - 4/6/2016 03:49 - United States - Rockford

Today, my car broke down. The good news is I can afford to have it fixed. The bad news is paying for the fix will wipe out my savings, which I need to get certified for a non-minimum-wage job. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/8/2020 08:04

Make your minds up

Today, I was told I was negative for Covid, so I went to buy wine to celebrate. Two hours later, I got a call again, saying I was positive and placed under quarantine. FML

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By Nessa - 10/5/2017 15:00 - United States - Pomona

Today, my mom got out a camcorder she's had a while. She said there were tapes of me when I was a child. The first tape I put in was a porno of her and her ex-boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2012 07:32 - Australia

Today, I was talking to a guy I really liked, hoping that he would ask me out. Eventually he asked for my number. I was so excited that I couldn't remember it. FML

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By FUSheldon - 28/11/2012 05:15 - United States - Millstadt

Today, my boyfriend started watching The Big Bang Theory on DVD. Now he won't stop saying "Bazinga" every time he says or hears something that sounds funny. It's so annoying I want to feed him to the neighbor's dog. FML

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Top comments

By jgmarines | 4

#5795977 - Tuesday 17 December 2013 22:55

Kill them with fire

By TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5795978 - Tuesday 17 December 2013 22:55

Ant that the worst! Don't let it bug you too much.

COMMENTS

By jgmarines | 4

#5795977 - Tuesday 17 December 2013 22:55

Kill them with fire

thweakmn | 3

#5797663 - Thursday 19 December 2013 7:14

Bro, they're already fire ants

colby6666 | 42

#5979585 - Wednesday 18 June 2014 14:50

Run.

By TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5795978 - Tuesday 17 December 2013 22:55

Ant that the worst! Don't let it bug you too much.

scarletclaw | 11

#5796700 - Wednesday 18 December 2013 8:38

Don't get mad get Glad!

By TheCerealKiller | 24

#5795979 - Tuesday 17 December 2013 22:55

Could be worse. For instance, it could be a bunch of spiders.

Sports_guy3 | 28

#5795997 - Tuesday 17 December 2013 23:00

That you had almost swallowed.

RenoTheRhino | 30

#5796022 - Tuesday 17 December 2013 23:23

Or hundreds of baby centipedes....Oh..god.

BubbleGrunge | 18

#5796083 - Wednesday 18 December 2013 0:01

Roaches??

purrypie | 9

#5796087 - Wednesday 18 December 2013 0:04

Hi, I'd like to leave the planet please. Yes this happened after you suggested that

Zaros_fml | 24

#5796135 - Wednesday 18 December 2013 0:26

Nopenopenope.

ohSNAPyall | 26

#5796390 - Wednesday 18 December 2013 4:12

Apparently your trash is infested with red ants. Spiders would keep your home biter-free.

fucMyLifeSoHard | 18

#5796448 - Wednesday 18 December 2013 4:35

5- Do you often find yourself eating your trash?

Puffgurl | 6

#5796950 - Wednesday 18 December 2013 17:23

But spiders bite

Not_Impressed13 | 9

#5797874 - Thursday 19 December 2013 15:00

#33 - #5 was trying to tie into a previous FML...

By jsni2132 | 18

#5795985 - Tuesday 17 December 2013 22:57

Reading that left me *puts on sunglasses* splitting at the sides

Zaros_fml | 24

#5796137 - Wednesday 18 December 2013 0:28

I want to hate you, but I can't.

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5796242 - Wednesday 18 December 2013 1:43

**All you need is love**

wardo | 4

#5796956 - Wednesday 18 December 2013 17:28

Shut the fuck up

By autinyork | 6

#5795998 - Tuesday 17 December 2013 23:00

Spray them with a hose and then get shrunken down by them to only realize how hard the work. WHOOP ANT BULLYYYYYYY

iLike2Teabag | 27

#5796537 - Wednesday 18 December 2013 5:57

What are you smoking?

By animalxcrackers | 20

#5795999 - Tuesday 17 December 2013 23:02

Jeez, how long had you left it there?

By zoepie | 7

#5796005 - Tuesday 17 December 2013 23:06

Nuke the neighborhood, you might be safe then.

By Bumblebrea99 | 14

#5796007 - Tuesday 17 December 2013 23:08

Next time you should double bag! :P

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5796357 - Wednesday 18 December 2013 3:42

I read that last part as douche bag...

By RenoTheRhino | 30

#5796012 - Tuesday 17 December 2013 23:10

Vacuum time.

By zoegirl_455 | 30

#5796016 - Tuesday 17 December 2013 23:15

Time to get a new house!