Miscellaneous: Today, I went to drop the garbage in the compactor as I left... - FML

By Typrokka - 22/10/2009 17:20 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to drop the garbage in the compactor as I left to do some shopping. I quickly put my handbag down on the side, threw the 'garbage' in the machine, watched it do its thing, and then turned round to find... the bag of garbage on the side. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 122

You deserved it 32 123

Commando

Weird reason to leave, but OK

Hello, Goodbye

By stinkyhair - 19/12/2011 17:48 - United States

Today, thanks to some asshole with a padlock, I got trapped in porta potty for over an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 767

You deserved it 2 825

Cheeky little bastards

By weeping_willow - 01/06/2020 08:00

Today, the kids that live down the street had a yard sale in my yard while I wasn’t home. They sold a bunch of my daughter's toys, that I now have to replace. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 623

You deserved it 156

Sounds reasonable

By Anonymous - 19/05/2021 06:01

Today, my mum gave me a two-month ultimatum to get married or risk being disowned. I’m only 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 044

You deserved it 59

By coloring is not for me - 10/11/2015 05:52 - United States

Today, in an attempt to lower my stress and anxiety, I tried out an anti-stress coloring page on my phone. I couldn't get the color to evenly fill inside the lines and it stressed me out even more, to the point where I started crying at work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 064

You deserved it 3 749

By wooowmom - 05/06/2011 01:10 - Canada

Today, I learned that if I don't give my mom attention immediately after she calls my name, she will throw a baseball at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 533

You deserved it 10 678

Not you

By Anonymous - 25/05/2021 07:59

Today, I saw that the man who got me pregnant, and swore that if I kept it he'd run away to Asia, and his new girlfriend announced their pregnancy on social media. They both seem to be very happy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 117

You deserved it 191

By blovesg - 07/04/2009 00:41 - United States

Today, I was at the mall shoplifting when a girl who looked my age pointed to a shirt I had in my bag. "Stole that, huh?" she asked smiling. She looked pretty cool, so I nodded and asked if she stole the jeans she was wearing, which were from the store. Turns out she didn't, she's the manager. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 272

You deserved it 538 225

By FailureAtLife121 - 27/06/2009 03:44 - United States

Today, I was at Disneyland with some of my friends. While eating lunch, we watched a small child get frightened by the person dressed as Mickey Mouse. We all burst out laughing only to be jumped by Chip and Dale. Apparently I scream louder than the little kid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 125

You deserved it 52 142

By Titi14 - 04/03/2010 03:19 - United States

Today, my best friend decided she wanted to tell my boyfriend about the time I pissed myself laughing at her house. When she was telling the story I ended up laughing so hard, that I pissed myself again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 512

You deserved it 25 891

By mm - 12/11/2012 17:27 - United Kingdom - Warrington

Today, I went to see a movie with three of my friends, and I was sharing popcorn with one of them. Halfway through the movie, my friend asked me why I wasn't eating our popcorn. I then realised I'd been taking popcorn from the man sitting next to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 779

You deserved it 8 942

Get tested, people

By Bhrugu - 30/04/2021 04:00 - India - Hyderabad

Today, I found out that people in the apartment to the left, in the one to the right and in the one above mine all tested positive for Covid, a week ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 845

You deserved it 99

Charming lady

By the diabetic necromancer - 15/03/2021 02:00

Today, I accidentally left the pantry open. My narcissistic mother’s response was to spit on me and tell me to kill myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 060

You deserved it 58

By usafprog - 27/07/2009 20:08 - United States

Today, while spray painting a rocking horse for my kids I left the can outside in the sun. When I picked it up it was hot to the touch and I dropped it. It exploded on impact and now I am more blue than the rocking horse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 525

You deserved it 22 052

By Twitchy - 14/09/2011 23:20 - Bahamas

Today, I watched a cat pounce on a small bird and rip it to shreds, feather by feather. It wouldn't have been any worse than mildly disturbing, had I not just spent the last 4 weeks nursing the bird back to health from a broken wing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 702

You deserved it 3 139

By embarrassed niece - 09/07/2013 16:15 - United States - Cumming

Spicy

Today, my aunt had the wonderful experience of hearing my boyfriend and I have a very "satisfying" encounter after we stupidly forgot to turn off the baby monitor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 791

You deserved it 49 992

By reb - 19/04/2014 17:25 - United Kingdom - Northolt

Today, my crazily elitist parents were so desperate to get me to dump my fiancé that they threatened to divorce if I didn't. When I told them to go ahead, they bitched me out for being disrespectful. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 347

You deserved it 4 168

By ncjarhead - 24/04/2010 23:38 - United States

Spicy

Today, I discovered the same erotic pictures my wife emailed to me while I was deployed were emailed to several other guys by her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 980

You deserved it 3 102

Weddings suck

By Anonymous - 03/12/2020 16:02 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, I got dragged to a wedding where I knew no-one. It went on for hours, I got so hungry. We get to the meal, my wife had forgotten to order a vegetarian meal for me. I couldn't eat the main meal, due to allergies and no alternative. I then spent two more hours just waiting to go home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 018

You deserved it 243

No joking please

By Anonymous - 18/01/2011 02:08 - United States

Today, I went to the ER after a fall. Before the nurse did an X-Ray, she gave me a pregnancy test. It came back negative. I joked, "No martians have crawled into my uterus, then?" She didn't get it, and I had my head scanned for brain trauma. Never crack a joke in a hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 900

You deserved it 7 682

By nomoreart - 09/02/2011 00:30 - United States

Today, I was working on my art portfolio. I had drawn a self-portrait. When I was satisfied, I wanted to show my parents. They thought it was a drawing of a bear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 352

You deserved it 5 205

By Anonymous - 28/05/2009 05:04 - United States

Today, I was dealing with a psychiatric patient with a colonostomy bag. She got agitated and ripped the bag from her abdomen and threw it at my face. I got a bag filled with poop thrown at my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 189

You deserved it 3 416

By Tyler - 03/09/2012 09:37 - Australia - Killara

Today, I was walking down the street when I had a coughing fit. The next thing I know I'm being pushed about by a group of guys who were smoking, because they thought I was coughing deliberately to send them a message about smoking being bad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 101

You deserved it 1 954

By Anonymous - 19/02/2016 18:26 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, my husband got some junk mail. My grandma brought the mail in and let my 5-year-old open it because it was just junk. It turns out it was a catalog from an adult toys shop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 108

You deserved it 3 309

By Anonymous - 05/06/2017 22:00

Today, I woke up early to weird scratching and smacking noises. After gathering enough courage to check what it was, I found out it was just an ant stuck on a piece of paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 162

You deserved it 320

By beautifulme - 31/01/2012 06:22 - United States

Today, I got to be an innocent victim caught in the middle of a farting war between my boyfriend and my 10-year-old son. I fear my sense of smell will never recover. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 071

You deserved it 4 863

By Undercooked - 24/09/2013 19:08 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, my girlfriend made bacon sandwiches for lunch. I didn't want to be rude, but I couldn't help but mention that the bacon smelled and tasted weird. I thought it may have expired. She said not to worry because she used the dry bacon under the counter. Those were dog treats. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 797

You deserved it 4 730

Mid-life crisis

By theslutmuncher - 14/12/2012 23:20 - Germany - Merseburg

Today, in the midst of his ongoing mid-life crisis, my dad forced me to accompany him for some father-son bonding. The bonding involved me driving us away at high speed after he gleefully hurled a bucket of paint all over a store window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 828

You deserved it 2 465

By shellski - 21/01/2012 01:21 - United States

Spicy

Today, a kid from school came to my house. He asked my dad if I was at home, because we were "planning a bit of the old, you know…" and made an obscene gesture. Now I'm grounded for a month, and no matter what I say, my dad won't believe that I've never even spoken to the kid before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 393

You deserved it 2 303

By Anonymous - 07/03/2015 20:14 - United States - Columbia City

Today, a dog bit me, tearing a hole through my sweatpants, my shorts, and my underwear, all to get at the dog treat I'd hidden in my pocket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 371

You deserved it 9 276

By Casden - 13/09/2009 15:57 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my best friend. I have been getting explicit texts and phone calls so I just joking said to my friend, "I think someone wrote my number on a bathroom stall." At which point he said, "Sorry, I didn't think people really called those numbers." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 134

You deserved it 3 527

By Hollywoodanonymous - 31/10/2011 06:57 - United States

Spicy

Today, I had a relaxing night watching movies with my room-mates. Everyone but I had a girl over to lie with during the movie. The closest I got all night was the multiple times my room-mate's dog tried to mount me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 494

You deserved it 3 905

By Pouya - 18/12/2010 06:03 - United States

Today, it was my first day as a promoted manager. I got fired for being late. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 745

You deserved it 42 772

By housebroken - 22/01/2010 06:17 - United States

Today, my godmother informed me that the rule of thumb my ex had used for our relationship during a year of cohabitation was taken directly from a Cesar Millan book on "How to train dogs." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 366

You deserved it 3 312

By Failure - 09/11/2009 22:13 - United States

Today, I was taking a final test online that would account for 65% of my final grade. I had worked extremely hard in that class. I had one submission for the test. My roommate thought it would be funny to click the "Submit All" Button while i was getting a glass of water. I got a 13%. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 008

You deserved it 3 463

By calamity janet - 14/11/2018 22:00

Today, my husband took me to an airsoft shop so he could try a new pistol. We went on the range to shoot it, but while he was loading it went off and shot me. I was only wearing my leggings, so I felt the full power of that BB as it traveled at 200 feet per second at my clitoris. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 870

You deserved it 460

By Anonymous - 08/03/2013 17:44 - Netherlands - Maastricht

Today, I sat through an incredibly long and tedious class lecture. Just as my professor was nearing the end of his lecture, the resident stoner loudly yawned and asked what we'd been talking about for the past hour. We got to hear most of the lecture all over again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 935

You deserved it 2 406

By docwinters - 27/05/2013 12:39 - Australia - Bathurst

Today, my partner and I were cuddling on the couch, watching TV when she smiled and murmured, "You smell like my dad." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 095

You deserved it 4 974

By Alex - 11/06/2019 14:30

Today, I was working at my job at a bank. A couple was waiting in the lobby, and not being busy, I asked what they needed. They told me that they were applying for a loan, so I asked if it was for something exciting. It was to pay for their 12-year-old son's burial expenses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 352

You deserved it 348

By Anonymous - 08/12/2010 04:18 - United States

Today, while working as a hotel guard I found a homeless man lying in the grass. I asked him to move and he ignored me, continuing to lie there with his head resting on his arms and a big smile on his face. I got annoyed and started to yell at him. After a few minutes I realized he was dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 060

You deserved it 10 833

By I don't want to be here anymore - 03/11/2014 21:16 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I realized I need a new job. This happened when I was seriously considering ways to break my leg so I could stay at home for a day and not have to deal with my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 717

You deserved it 3 271

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Thursday 22 October 2009 23:04

So many FMLs can be summarized by "Today, I wasn't paying attention, and did something stupid. FML"

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Thursday 22 October 2009 23:15

I hope you don't keep a tiny poodle in your handbag.

Comments

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Thursday 22 October 2009 23:04

So many FMLs can be summarized by "Today, I wasn't paying attention, and did something stupid. FML"

suaveneanderthal 0

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Friday 23 October 2009 1:41

so.... what did you throw away? I'm confused

kmfyr 0

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Friday 23 October 2009 4:38

#17, OP threw her handbag into the trash compactor. #1, I agree, though they make some of us feel better about our own mistakes. :D

rainbow_laces 0

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Friday 23 October 2009 17:08

I think it's fake, she comes from Manchester apparently and no-one says "garbage" in Manchester.

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Thursday 22 April 2010 5:07

I do stuff like that sometimes, I will have like a bottle of syrup and a glass of water an I pick up the syrup by mistake and almost take a sip of it

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Friday 1 October 2010 1:32

so true

irelandeyes89 0

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Thursday 22 October 2009 23:04

way to not pay attention. wouldnt the garbage bag be heavier than your hand bag?

Kronic_Kitten 0

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Friday 23 October 2009 9:01

I'm too broke to pay attention!

Emma Marshall 19

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Sunday 30 September 2018 3:43

I think it'd be the other way around 😂

heartless_fml 6

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Thursday 22 October 2009 23:07

wow, smarts.

f_alltheirlives 3

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Thursday 22 October 2009 23:12

Your handbag is filled with junk too? Throw em both in!

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Thursday 22 October 2009 23:15

I hope you don't keep a tiny poodle in your handbag.

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Thursday 22 October 2009 23:21

fake

perdix 29

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Thursday 22 October 2009 23:32

Since you paid your husband to snake the toilet and clean out your pipes, what did you do to the plumber?

Witchcraft_fml 4

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Thursday 22 October 2009 23:35

I guess when you go shopping, you'll be paying for your new items in rotten banana peels? Better yet, save those banana peels and rent a Go-Kart! Not only will you have fun, but passersby will get a kick out of your reenactment of a video game favorite!

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Friday 23 October 2009 0:02

this site has gone down hill

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Friday 23 October 2009 11:56

it's balloon boy all over again

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Friday 23 October 2009 0:07

YDI for having a garbage compactor. That's just not the done thing in the UK!

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Friday 23 October 2009 2:57

or in most places where housewives don't live

Nearly

Today, I realized that I wore ripped jeand AND ripped boxers to work. Both ripped at the same place, in between the legs. The result was my looking down and seeing my dick halfway out of my trousers. I can't get up from my seat the rest of the day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8

You deserved it 18

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35

You deserved it 18

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I'm on day 11 of having COVID. My husband said to me, "I hope you get better soon so we can finally have sex again." Thanks for being concerned about MY health and wellbeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 677

You deserved it 148

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 412

You deserved it 102