Today, I went to drop the garbage in the compactor as I left... - FML

By Typrokka - 22/10/2009 17:20 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to drop the garbage in the compactor as I left to do some shopping. I quickly put my handbag down on the side, threw the 'garbage' in the machine, watched it do its thing, and then turned round to find... the bag of garbage on the side. FML

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No justice

Alternative medicine is bull

Lockdown is driving us down

By mugs - 12/3/2009 19:49 - United States

Today, I asked my parents if the outfit I was wearing made me look fat. My mom looked at me and paused for a while; my dad said, "Honey, that outfit doesn't make you look fat. Your fat makes you look fat." FML

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By JustMarried - 7/5/2016 21:47 - Ukraine

Today, my wife wanted to have a threesome. During our honeymoon. With the maid of honor. I didn't sign up for this. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2011 13:14 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that my Mum has spent the money she's been saving for my wedding on moving house. She called saving for a wedding for me a 'pointless cause' as it's probably never going to happen now. I'm only 22. FML

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By Tootsy_Roll_Pop - 23/5/2009 16:15 - United States

Today, I spent the whole day seeing how many licks it would take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop: 763. I'm 24. FML

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By bitchimgay - 22/7/2012 16:48 - Canada - Montreal

Today, I went to my local coffee shop. I soon witnessed the girl making my drink apparently dislodge a wedgie from her ass-crack and then sneeze into her hands. When I confronted her, she loudly accused me of "visually molesting" her. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2009 19:51 - United Kingdom

Today, after having a shower, I walked back into my room butt naked. As I looked up I saw the window cleaner staring right at me. I looked. He looked. And without thinking I dropped straight to the floor to hid myself, then realized my naked butt was still staring right at him. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/6/2013 03:23 - United States - Cleveland

Today, my friend told me he had just robbed a bank and needed a place to hide. Thinking he was joking, I let him in so we could hang out. 15 minutes later, the cops storm into my apartment. Now I'm an accomplice in a crime I thought was a joke. FML

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By jessi - 2/12/2011 13:22 - United States

Today, I told my son he couldn't have a toy. He threw a fit, looked me in the eye, and screamed, "Daddy's right! You are a bitch!" The whole store was watching. FML

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By longdrive - 14/10/2014 05:17 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I left for a fifteen-hour drive with two guys who won't stop talking in a Yoda voice. Sick of this nonsense, I am. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2011 02:39 - Reserved

Today, I was knocked into a wall by a high-pressure water cannon suddenly kicking in. I was only going to the corner store to buy some chocolate. Probably serves me right for not noticing a small riot due to a thumping hangover. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/4/2009 08:52 - Australia

Today, I called my mom from Australia. I have been abroad for two months and hadn't talked to her in a long time. A few minutes into the conversation my moms stops me and says this call must cost a fortune and hangs up on me. A few bucks in more important to her then me. FML

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By FenRackety - 10/5/2013 12:37 - Canada

Today, at work, I was trying to get the octopus out of its tank to transfer it to another one. It instantly latched to my face and sprayed ink all over me. My boss told me to stop playing with the animals. FML

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By aaaaahhhh - 6/4/2013 08:51 - Australia - Chatswood

Today, as a learner driver, I embarked on my longest drive ever: back home, from Sydney to Melbourne, which is around a 700km drive. I managed to get the whole way without any problems. I crashed into my driveway. FML

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By RinoaHeartilly - 28/11/2018 03:00

Today, like every day she works, my roommate once again put on a ton on perfume before work because she doesn't shower. She's gone, but this smell will be here for hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/11/2009 12:56 - Finland

Today, I found out that my mom had read my diary because she was worried. She now knows details about my depression, details about my sex life, such as how I lost my virginity, to whom (I don't have a boyfriend), and what condition I was in at the time (drunk as a duck). She also showed my dad. FML

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By sleeplessinID - 15/8/2010 07:23 - United States

Today, I haven't had any real sleep in 4 days because I am an insomniac. My father is also an insomniac but he takes Ambien to get his rest. Me? I'm stuck staring at the ceiling for hours because he won't let me take any kind of medication, because he doesn't want me "getting addicted." FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2019 22:00 - United States

Today, I had a rubber band around my wrist for too long, and it ended up leaving faint red marks around my wrist. My mom saw them, thought they were scars, and is now convinced I'm a cutter, "like the ones I've seen on the news," and won't believe my story. FML

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By really? - 16/5/2017 12:00 - United States - Concord

Today, my son told me that some kids had been picking on him at school. When I asked him to elaborate, he said that kids sometimes didn't say "Hi" back when he greeted them. FML

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By soontobedumped - 15/1/2012 19:26 - United States

Today, I introduced my boyfriend of two weeks to my parents. My dad asked me to leave the room so they could have some "guy talk". I eavesdropped, only to hear the words "sex-crazed fuck" and a threat to stick bamboo shoots under my boyfriend's fingernails if he ever hurt me. FML

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By chocofreak - 10/5/2009 10:23 - United States

Today, I work at a chocolate factory on the sanitation shift. I was under a machine cleaning and a spider fell on me. I started freaking out and a coworker thought I got caught in the moving parts and frantically pulled me out and alerted my boss. Turns out it was just a piece of caramel. FML

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By 2gewd4u - 15/1/2012 01:24 - United States

Today, I walked in on my sister sitting on the toilet, trying to use "The Force" to pull over the toilet paper roll sitting on the sink. FML

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By Why son, why? - 20/3/2013 11:07 - United States

Today, for the sixth time in a row, I was driving my kid to school and he made me late for work. Why? He was whacking off instead of getting ready. FML

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By hardtoignore - 3/10/2011 01:34 - United States

Today, after reading about seduction techniques, I wore shades and a brightly colored shirt to a club to attract female attention. However, the sunglasses rendered me almost blind, and I tripped over a step, crashed into tables, and thanks to the shirt, everyone saw it happen in glorious technicolor. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/8/2009 23:14 - United States

Today, I went to the eye doctor. He tells me that I've developed a severe allergy to contact lenses and must stop wearing them immediately. It wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't just visited him a week earlier, paid for a new prescription and ordered a year's worth of brand new lenses. FML

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By retail hell - 12/7/2015 13:11 - United States - Waterbury

Today, a customer berated me and told me to stop whining because I have to work on the weekend. What did I do to deserve this? I said, "Hi, how are you doing today?" FML

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By Steiner - 5/11/2013 21:26 - United States - Troy

Today, my relatives won't acknowledge my existence unless I'm posting a picture of my cat. They only talk about the cat. FML

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By worriedman - 3/7/2015 15:52 - United States - Chicago

Today, my girlfriend told me that once you love somebody you can never truly fall "out of love" with them. She wasn't talking about me, she was talking about her ex. FML

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By WhatADickens - 20/1/2018 19:00

The early bird gets the worm!

Today, after working on my novel for two years, I found out that another book has recently been published with an almost identical plot. I was going to submit it to a publisher in two days. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/11/2014 17:46 - United States

Today, I held the door open for an old lady, before realizing she was a teacher taking 20-plus kids to lunch at local burger joint, all of whom got in front of me in the line to order. FML

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By disgusteddaughter - 13/6/2011 08:58 - Australia

Today, my mum's boyfriend came back from a job up-state. He is now walking around the house in boxers to "show off his tan". He has a beer gut and a hairy back. FML

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By educatttiiioonnn - 26/9/2010 00:15 - United States

Today, I made exactly 400 flashcards of my vocab that I had to memorize. It took me over 3 hours to make them and hours to remember them. Proud of myself, I showed them to my friends. Then my friends notified me I had memorized the wrong section. FML

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By notcool - 15/12/2009 21:49 - United States

Today, I called my boyfriend upset because my best friend has begun stripping to pay for school. His response was, "Where and what time does she work?" FML

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By itchybollos - 16/9/2010 09:04 - Australia

Today, while grocery shopping, my Dad asked me what I wanted for 'Din-Dins' while scratching his nuts. In a crowded aisle. Wearing short shorts. FML

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By elvisfreak5446 - 10/8/2011 16:12 - United States

Today, I was arguing with a friend over whether or not I'm fat. She kept telling me that I was. Angry, I sat down on the chair beside her. It broke. FML

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By anon - 9/7/2011 04:48 - Australia

Today, my daughter asked why there was an X marked on a telephone pole. I told her they were going to remove it. She started crying and saying, "They can't kill the tree!" She is 16. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2013 21:20 - United States - Woodbridge

Today, I was taking a stroll in our yard, when my mother decided it would be hilarious to run me down with her Segway. FML

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By bigmikenyc - 15/7/2010 09:31 - United States

Today, I realized if you leave a can of soda in parked car during a heatwave it will explode all over everything. My car is like a human glue trap. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2013 15:28 - Australia - Chatswood

Today, my husband and I finally agreed on something: marriage counseling. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/3/2012 14:35 - United Kingdom

Today, while playing badminton, I was so distracted by my ex winking at me that I didn't notice the shuttle cock that hit me in the eye. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2010 23:39 - United States

Today, I was seated, once again, at the "too small" children's table. I'm twenty. FML

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Top comments

By fractal47 | 0

#633660 - Thursday 22 October 2009 23:04

So many FMLs can be summarized by "Today, I wasn't paying attention, and did something stupid. FML"

By someguy945 | 0

#633675 - Thursday 22 October 2009 23:15

I hope you don't keep a tiny poodle in your handbag.

COMMENTS

By fractal47 | 0

#633660 - Thursday 22 October 2009 23:04

So many FMLs can be summarized by "Today, I wasn't paying attention, and did something stupid. FML"

Reply

suaveneanderthal | 0

#633860 - Friday 23 October 2009 1:41

so.... what did you throw away? I'm confused

Reply

kmfyr | 0

#634069 - Friday 23 October 2009 4:38

#17, OP threw her handbag into the trash compactor.

#1, I agree, though they make some of us feel better about our own mistakes. :D

Reply

rainbow_laces | 0

#634739 - Friday 23 October 2009 17:08

I think it's fake, she comes from Manchester apparently and no-one says "garbage" in Manchester.

Reply

imthestory | 0

#983438 - Thursday 22 April 2010 5:07

I do stuff like that sometimes, I will have like a bottle of syrup and a glass of water an I pick up the syrup by mistake and almost take a sip of it

Reply

stonecabin | 0

#1478513 - Friday 1 October 2010 1:32

so true

By irelandeyes89 | 0

#633662 - Thursday 22 October 2009 23:04

way to not pay attention. wouldnt the garbage bag be heavier than your hand bag?

Reply

Kronic_Kitten | 0

#634307 - Friday 23 October 2009 9:01

I'm too broke to pay attention!

Reply

Emma Marshall | 19

#7701509 - Sunday 30 September 2018 3:43

I think it'd be the other way around 😂

By heartless_fml | 6

#633665 - Thursday 22 October 2009 23:07

wow, smarts.

By f_alltheirlives | 3

#633673 - Thursday 22 October 2009 23:12

Your handbag is filled with junk too? Throw em both in!

By someguy945 | 0

#633675 - Thursday 22 October 2009 23:15

I hope you don't keep a tiny poodle in your handbag.

By blakehilli8 | 0

#633686 - Thursday 22 October 2009 23:21

fake

By perdix | 29

#633703 - Thursday 22 October 2009 23:32

Since you paid your husband to snake the toilet and clean out your pipes, what did you do to the plumber?

By Witchcraft_fml | 4

#633707 - Thursday 22 October 2009 23:35

I guess when you go shopping, you'll be paying for your new items in rotten banana peels?

Better yet, save those banana peels and rent a Go-Kart!
Not only will you have fun, but passersby will get a kick out of your reenactment of a video game favorite!

By nicktowery | 0

#633732 - Friday 23 October 2009 0:02

this site has gone down hill

Reply

Nex_Iuguolo | 0

#634418 - Friday 23 October 2009 11:56

it's balloon boy all over again

By Turnip_Girl | 0

#633737 - Friday 23 October 2009 0:07

YDI for having a garbage compactor. That's just not the done thing in the UK!

Reply

electrolyte9 | 0

#633946 - Friday 23 October 2009 2:57

or in most places where housewives don't live