Miscellaneous: Today, I learned that most teenagers would rather grab free candy... - FML

By Anonymous - 23/03/2014 04:05 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I learned that most teenagers would rather grab free candy from the broken vending machine than help the guy stuck underneath it get free. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 305

You deserved it 5 097

Our house, in the middle of our street

Sorry…

The runs

By oopsydaddy - 14/08/2018 06:00

Today, my dad asked my help with a computer problem. Whenever he logged on Facebook, every single advertisement appeared to be hardcore porn. I had to awkwardly explain that these ads are based on his browsing habits. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 703

You deserved it 162

By Anonim23 - 25/06/2019 00:15

Today, I finally decided to go talk to my upstairs neighbour about the loud banging noises he makes every single morning around 8 a.m. It worked. Now he starts at 7 a.m. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 703

You deserved it 178

By romancocks - 09/05/2014 20:31 - United States - Palatka

Today, some girl in the street mistook me for Richard Simmons. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 247

You deserved it 5 773

By screwed. - 03/02/2009 01:42 - United States

Today, I woke from last night after meeting the most amazing man, and after giving him a good morning kiss, roll out of bed to use his bathroom. After using his toothbrush, I go to replace it in his holder only to find not one, but several prescriptions for herpes in his unzipped toiletry bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 384

You deserved it 45 471

By anonymous - 21/06/2011 23:51 - Canada

Today, my mother told my little sister and me that she has breast cancer to make us feel sorry so that we would clean our rooms. She is perfectly fine. My little sister still thinks that "mommy is going to die". FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 755

You deserved it 3 609

By Hurtingincanada - 17/10/2018 05:00

Today, I woke up with bronchitis and hemorrhoids. I'm getting married in 3 days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 058

You deserved it 184

By Wealthyparrot - 10/05/2013 08:24 - United States

Today, a client refused to pay after I mowed her lawn. Her reasoning? I had entered her basement "without permission." I require on-site equipment be provided, and she kept her mower in her basement. I only knew it was in the basement because she'd showed me, and told me where the key was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 546

You deserved it 3 506

All dressed up

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 23:00

Today, an elderly man came into my place of work wearing a nice suit. I commented, saying said he looked nice and asked what the special occasion was. He was going to a funeral. FML

I agree, your life sucks 738

You deserved it 154

By talkssuck - 30/03/2009 21:44 - United States

Today, I was hooking up with my girlfriend when her dad knocked on the clear door that leads to the room. About 5 minutes later both of her parents came in to give us the "talk" which included the first time her parents did it. In detail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 360

You deserved it 18 479

Malding

By Anonymous - 07/07/2015 02:21 - United States

Today, while reading my girlfriend's kids a story, her daughter started pouring a tiny watering can on my head. When I asked her what she was doing, she said, "Watering your head so your hair grows back". I'm twenty-seven. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 020

You deserved it 2 405

Method acting

By lol123 - 10/07/2009 10:09 - Norway

Today, it was the premiere of a huge play I've worked on for months. The latest week we've practised a lot, resulting in little sleep. In one of the scenes I'm just lying there pretending to be asleep. Guess who actually fell asleep? FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 681

You deserved it 10 441

By Anonymous - 22/09/2010 19:04 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I put an anonymous note under my neighbour's door asking them to not have sex so loudly during the day. Since then, I haven't heard any sex. Unfortunately, I have heard a woman crying loudly because she just found out about her husband's affair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 409

You deserved it 10 738

By Anonymous - 27/12/2014 16:54 - Canada - Delta

Today, my boyfriend sent me a screenshot of his phone's contact list, to show me the adorable photo of us he'd set as my contact image. I guess he didn't realize that a contact called "Side Babe" was just barely in the screenshot too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 644

You deserved it 2 949

By Nick Nameous - 01/01/2009 06:22 - United States

Today, I celebrated the new year. Alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 179

You deserved it 5 266

By Anonymous - 15/06/2011 00:59 - United States

Today, my professor handed me back a paper I spent hours upon hours working on. At the bottom in red it said "D" followed by, "that was a gift." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 731

You deserved it 7 992

By S4L - 02/07/2009 04:13 - France

Today, I had to take a leak, so I went into a porta-john. I noticed another man's hand under the door with a cell phone. Angered, I aimed my stream at his hand and phone. He tilted the porta-john over in response. It was full. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 733

You deserved it 23 346

Flowers (Nothing But)

By ThisIsMyLife - 15/09/2019 12:00

Today, I bought flowers with my groceries at the grocery store. After the cashier scanned them, he handed them back to me so they wouldn't get crushed in my cart. It was then that I realized he's the first man to ever hand me flowers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 597

You deserved it 228

By t - 17/05/2011 03:26

Today, I got a really bad cramp while I was swimming in my neighborhood pool. I started to go under until the lifeguard jumped in and saved me. I guess it would have been great, if I wasn't a fellow lifeguard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 698

You deserved it 6 135

By Anonymous - 23/02/2015 07:45 - United States - Hatfield

Today, away at college, I called my grandmother to hear how she was doing after her knee surgery. She ended up talking about Hooters and how I should work there because of my "rare body". When I mentioned I've been studying computer science, earning a 3.8 GPA, she replied, "But you're a girl." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 368

You deserved it 3 340

By ItchyGirl - 09/10/2016 12:07 - Australia - Geelong

Today, I've got the worst eczema I've had in 25 years. It's spread to the worst possible spot: right where my thighs touch when I walk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 748

You deserved it 857

By wjones - 15/12/2009 15:06 - United States

Today, my family and I were decorating the Christmas tree. It seemed a bit unstable, but we decorated it without any problems. Later, while my daughter sat by the tree, it began to fall. Her grandmother stopped the tree from hitting her. I, on the other hand, screamed like a little girl. I'm a 38 year old guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 485

You deserved it 33 659

By BrokeAF - 20/07/2017 05:01

Today, I had to empty out my coin jar to pay for gas. Trying to be considerate, I only brought quarters, but the cashier refused to take it because they didn't want to count out my $10. I don't know how I'll get to work today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 344

You deserved it 459

By ekaay - 16/01/2018 15:00

Today, whilst cleaning the living room, I heard snickering coming from my bedroom. My two nephews had found my "play cupboard" and were blowing up condoms like balloons. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 987

You deserved it 962

By Toilettrash - 06/07/2012 10:51 - United States

Today, I was brutally dumped over webcam, by my boyfriend, who was taking a dump with the laptop on his lap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 879

You deserved it 2 867

By Anonymous - 07/06/2017 20:00 - United States - Coplay

Today, my neighbor let me know that they've been taking care of my cats while I was away, including letting them in and out of my house. I don't own a cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 076

You deserved it 253

By sadmommy - 23/04/2012 22:51 - United States - Keller

Today, I discovered that last night, my son snuck downstairs at 3am, drank two glasses of my very expensive wine, threw up on his bed, and then slept in his own vomit. My son is 14. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 477

You deserved it 6 169

By Clementine - 27/11/2012 11:36 - Australia - Saint Kilda

Today, I went to a restaurant with my boyfriend. After dessert, he went to the bathroom so I quickly called the waiter over and paid the bill, thinking it was a nice gesture. When he returned, he broke up with me for "emasculating" him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 077

You deserved it 4 607

By Anonymous - 17/07/2009 05:11 - United States

Today, I thought it was a good idea to go number two while smoking a "cigarette". My ash tray was over by the sink so I decided to just ash in the toilet. While ashing between my legs, I sneezed and now I have a extremely uncomfortable burn on my man member. Smoking is bad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 413

You deserved it 90 675

By Anonymous - 11/02/2011 03:21 - China

Today, I woke up to a repairman at my door who was simply supposed to turn my water back on in my apartment. Two hours and 5 repairmen later, all I have now is a large hole in my ceiling. Still no water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 730

You deserved it 2 356

Flattered

By Creeped out - 28/01/2013 08:14 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I was trying on some shoes. As I was bending down, an old lady with a walking frame slowly approached. As she got close she whispered to me, "Mmm, you've got a nice tushie." My girlfriend will not let me hear the end of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 130

You deserved it 3 698

By Peter - 25/11/2010 10:25

Today, while at work, I got fired because I was 'hitting' on my boss's wife who also works in the same company. Since when does 'asking for paper clips' mean 'hitting on'? FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 782

You deserved it 2 829

By awkwardsituation - 11/07/2010 08:05 - United States

Spicy

Today, I watched a stray dog hump a garden gnome in my front yard. So did my two year old daughter. I've already had to stop her "re-enactments" twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 916

You deserved it 4 807

By Anonymous - 31/12/2009 08:06 - United States

Today, I was at work and I had to take a dump. Since I was the only person in the bathroom, I started singing, "I'm taking a poopy-poop poop poop poop." I was not the only person in the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 279

You deserved it 64 257

By -_-" - 11/01/2014 23:13 - United States - Vestal

Today, I was getting ready for a night out with the girls, and without any hint of trickery, just wanting an honest answer, I asked my boyfriend how I looked in the dress I chose. He immediately dropped to his knees, yelled, "NOOOOOOOOO!" and calmly left the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 138

You deserved it 9 015

By goldenshower - 05/02/2010 18:22 - United States

Today, I woke up at a guy's house drunk and soaked in my own pee. I had passed out with all my clothes on. Since I was late for work and didn't have a change of clothes, all I could do was throw my jeans in the dryer. I had to sit all day at work in crusty pee pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 472

You deserved it 56 364

Road rage

By Anonymous - 26/04/2021 20:00

Today, I was brake-checking a Dodge Charger who was attempting to run me off. It was an undercover police car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 292

You deserved it 1 552

By Anonymous - 01/08/2014 22:38 - United Kingdom

Today, I got suspended from work after getting caught reading a work-related FML. Irony is funny, but it doesn't pay the bills. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 603

You deserved it 18 284

By nick - 28/01/2010 05:00 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was on my grandparents' computer looking for my old high school resume. I came across a word document titled "Experiences". Thinking it was part of my resume, I opened it up and started reading. It was a brief, yet explicit record of my grandfather's recent sexual frustrations. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 291

You deserved it 5 351

By Anonymous - 17/07/2009 20:23 - Russian Federation

Today, the two and a half hours it took our poorly air conditioned taxi to go 20 miles in stop-and-go traffic was highlighted by our son projectile vomiting all over my wife, a suitcase, and the car. It ended with me having to pay both for the ride, as well as for cleaning the inside of the taxi. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 281

You deserved it 3 196

By pootie - 11/12/2013 13:14 - United States - Miami

Today, I farted so loud that I woke myself up. And the stranger sitting next to me on the airplane. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 522

You deserved it 7 541

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Top comments

ThomasBombadil 31

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Sunday 23 March 2014 13:35

Candy Crush!

Mynamewontfi 40

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Sunday 23 March 2014 13:32

They've got their priorities straight.

Comments

Sunday 23 March 2014 13:31

Teenagers hm, theres a reason they have zits :) hope youre okay though!!

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Sunday 23 March 2014 14:16

Re-read the FML. It said "The Guy". It doesn't necessarily mean him. OP could have been the one to help though.

rocker_chick105 31

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Sunday 23 March 2014 15:02

We aren't all bad. The bad ones get more publicity.

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Sunday 23 March 2014 15:05

But... He lives in Canada...

silvercamaro 22

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Sunday 23 March 2014 16:02

#22 I think you should re-read the comment too

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Sunday 23 March 2014 17:14

Zits? But the proactive commercial told me to blame biology!

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Sunday 23 March 2014 18:10

#1 We can't all poof from childhood to adulthood like you. Beside your magical powers, I fail to see how obtaining zits has to do with a teenagers actions.

False_Stupidity 41

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Sunday 23 March 2014 21:45

I think #1 was referring to them going for the free candy. Increased sugar levels often means more zits, at least it did for me back in the day.

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Sunday 23 March 2014 22:17

Pretty sure adults still get zits too...

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Monday 24 March 2014 5:01

"How many Good & Plenties did you get?" "Plenty." "Good."

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Monday 24 March 2014 6:39

#22 re-read it again. "the guy" means him/OP.

Orion_Knight78 10

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Monday 24 March 2014 22:11

#34, the FML must be fake then.

Mynamewontfi 40

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Sunday 23 March 2014 13:32

They've got their priorities straight.

mkcontrollers 11

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Sunday 23 March 2014 18:03

He most likely rocked the machine anyways. Going to say YDI

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Sunday 23 March 2014 20:04

You came from -12 to 39. I applaud you.

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Sunday 23 March 2014 13:32

get all the candy then help the guy

pinkster2014 25

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Sunday 23 March 2014 13:33

Everyone wins!

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Sunday 23 March 2014 13:36

I thought OP was the one stuck.

NinjaDitto623 14

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Sunday 23 March 2014 17:01

Well, I mean, if you get all the candy out first, the machine would lose weight......

RinkuTheHero 13

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Sunday 23 March 2014 19:29

And y'know. If you eat it all it would make it easier to get him free if it were to happen again.

False_Stupidity 41

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Sunday 23 March 2014 21:47

And sugar gives you super-human strength to help get the machine off the guy. See, there is a certain logic to their actions.

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Sunday 23 March 2014 13:34

I'll take you to the candy shop.

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Sunday 23 March 2014 13:48

Let him lick your lollipop?

SgtAssCheeks 21

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Sunday 23 March 2014 13:53

Go ahead girl, don't you stop?

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Sunday 23 March 2014 14:23

Keep going till you hit the spot?

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Sunday 23 March 2014 16:37

Whoa!

False_Stupidity 41

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Sunday 23 March 2014 21:50

FML, twisting ordinary events into something sexual since 2009.

ThomasBombadil 31

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Sunday 23 March 2014 22:01

Love how someone from India is saying "brah". And isn't this why all of us visit FML? Just saying.Thanks FML for "finding a common denominator that brings us all together". Sex, love, money, life, death and "whatever turns our crank", aren't we all in the same boat, brah? Peace

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Monday 24 March 2014 7:11

79, what??

MrDonSalvetti 27

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Sunday 23 March 2014 13:34

Faith in Humanity... Still the same...-.-

ThomasBombadil 31

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Sunday 23 March 2014 13:35

Candy Crush!

yeti37 16

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Sunday 23 March 2014 13:55

Awesome! You won the comment section here today.

albinochipmunks 7

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Sunday 23 March 2014 22:11

Somebody needs to send OP an extra life.

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Sunday 23 March 2014 13:36

Quick question though... How did it end on top of you?

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Sunday 23 March 2014 14:12

I want to know that too

happle 21

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Sunday 23 March 2014 17:09

Trying to get free candy?

SnazzyPotter 17

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Sunday 23 March 2014 18:16

I was thinking that since the vending machine was broken that he might have been a mechanic trying to fix it and something went wrong causing it to fall on him. I would still like a follow up to find out though.

IDontKnowWhoIAm04 24

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Sunday 23 March 2014 19:30

Probably tried rocking it back and forth after the candy got stuck.

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Sunday 23 March 2014 21:31

That's just plain stupid, mate...

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Sunday 23 March 2014 13:40

Just making the machine lighter so you can rescue the poor fucker underneath it.

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Sunday 23 March 2014 13:40

And you're surprised why? I think we all know that teens value food over people!

JonDG 12

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Monday 14 April 2014 9:09

the sad sad truth about who will be in control of our planets future

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Sunday 23 March 2014 13:47

I wish I could that I'm surprised. Sorry, OP.

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Sunday 23 March 2014 14:56

Like, what?

PotterHead_DH 26

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Sunday 23 March 2014 15:08

I wish that I could pretend that I'm surprised.*

NinjaDitto623 14

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Sunday 23 March 2014 17:02

Or: I wish I could say I was suprised*

Nearly

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7

You deserved it 5

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50

You deserved it 12

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out I’m going to be a father, twice over, with two different women. Sisters, in fact. Only one of those sisters is my wife. Should I flee abroad, or walk calmly towards the firing squad straight away? FML

I agree, your life sucks 72

You deserved it 1 483

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 819

You deserved it 184