Intimacy: Today, my husband yelled from upstairs, "Babe! BABE, COME QUICK!"... - FML

By -____- - United States - Seattle

Today, my husband yelled from upstairs, "Babe! BABE, COME QUICK!" Terrified that something might have happened to our newborn daughter, I rushed up, only to find out he just wanted to show me that he'd learned how to spin a top on the tip of his penis without it falling. FML

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Coherence dude, do you have it?

This ain't working out

Intense

By Anonymous - United States - Binghamton

Today, I egged my cheating ex’s car. Actually, I should clarify; I egged my cheating ex’s sister’s car, thinking it was his. She gave me a black eye and knocked out two of my teeth while my ex laughed his ass off. FML

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By Frenchie - United States - Belleville

Today, in French class we had to write love letters as an exercise. Since my boyfriend recently broke up with me by text message, I ended up writing a 20-sentence love letter in French to my cat. FML

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By mylifeisahell - Norway

Today, I found garbage in my postbox. In amongst the garbage, I found a note saying ''This is all you ever will get. Stay away from me!'', from the girl I sent a love poem to the other day. FML

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By ice cream dude - United States - Denver

Today, I finished my first two weeks as an ice cream truck driver. Now I can't get that annoying ice cream truck music out of my head. It's even in my dreams. FML

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By Tams - Canada

Cheers, Henry

Today, my grandma and I went to visit one of her friends. The elderly gentleman told me I'd grown into a very beautiful young woman, to which my grandma replied, "Have you started in on the sherry early this evening, Henry?" FML

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By Ithoughtheywerenormalpeople - United States - Houston

Today, as I awoke, the sun was shining, the birds were tweeting, and police sirens were wailing at a drug bust next door. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I listened as my ridiculously wealthy friend excitedly rambled on and on about her latest shopping trip. This is the same friend who owes me £150, and accused me of being insensitive for asking her to repay it at some point. FML

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By num1piglover - United States - Raritan

Today, my dad told my mom to only drop off my sister for Thanksgiving and not me. Guess I was wrong about him wanting to work on our relationship. FML

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By KarolBee - United States

Today, I was spending time with my boyfriend for our one year anniversary. Trying to be romantic, I told him that I loved him and I was so glad I was with him. He responded by giving me a thumbs-up and turning back to the TV. FML

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By shitballs_911 - United Kingdom

Today, it was my friend's paintball party and we were doing it in a forest nearby. When I arrived at his house, his parents said they already started, so I geared up and went out there to find that there was a note on a tree. It said 'Sorry', and then twenty people jumped from bushes and ambushed me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, after weeks of watching Michael Jackson videos non-stop, my boyfriend learned how to moonwalk. Now he does it literally everywhere. I can't even cross the street without him moonwalking behind me. FML

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By sleepy - Norway

Today, after a two week holiday, I'm returning to work exhausted. I had nightmares about work every single night. FML

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By sourgirl101

Is he the guy from the earlier FML??

Today, my husband's number was mistakenly added to a group chat of my co-workers dealing with COVID-19. Despite my asking him to stop, he keeps sending corny memes that has offended most of them. FML

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By Jaymz

Today, I went to my son's final band performance. I also have a busy toddler, so I ended up watching most of the performance in the hallway on a tv monitor. In the middle of the awards ceremony, my toddler pulled the fire alarm. Everyone had to evacuate the building. FML

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By SadManKillMeNow

Today, after deactivating my Facebook page 4 days ago for stalking reasons - as in me stalking my ex - I reactivated it for approximately 3 minutes to see what his status update was, then deactivated it again. I'm just THAT pathetic. FML

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By not what she said - 1/6/2020 20:00

Misheard

Today, I was on a Zoom call. My sister offered to go get lunch and I told her, "Don’t forget the baguettes." One overly sensitive coworker swears I used a derogatory slur that sounds the same. I didn’t. However, I’m still going to be investigated by my boss. FML

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By hungry - United States

Today, I was hungry and decided to nibble on some cheez-its I had in my room. After I had enjoyed some of them, I looked into the box to see how many I had left, where I noticed a lot of little black moving dots. Apparently I wasn't the only one enjoying the crackers. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pomona

Today, I went to a bingo club with my gran and won the second game and a butthurt old lady accused me of cheating. I ended up being taken aside by an apologetic member of staff and asked to leave. I'm still trying to figure out how you can even cheat at bingo. FML

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By bern5555 - United States

Today, I was working with the kid I babysit for. We were out and he complained that he was hungry. I spent my very last $2 on chicken nuggets for him and a coffee for myself. Just as I sat down, he knocked over my coffee, spilling it into his chicken nuggets. Then he cried for over an hour. FML

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By buggyluv - United States - Edwardsville

Today, at my new job, a coworker offered to help me mop the floors since she wasn't busy. I ended up getting written up by my boss for supposedly being too lazy and making other people finish my work. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 24 year old girlfriend plugged her ears and stomped her feet while making really loud noises in our local video store. She then refused to stop until I agreed to rent and watch The Notebook with her. FML

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By

Where it is?

Today, my girlfriend and I were doing the deed when she suddenly said, "Hold on babe, I think my nose ring fell out." After she couldn't find it for a minute, she said "I'm sure it's on the bed somewhere." Immediately after that, she yelled, "OH MY GOD I JUST SWALLOWED IT." FML

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By dumbass1991 - United States

Today, I was messing around on my laptop by drawing on the screen with a marker pen. When it came time to clean it off, it wouldn't budge. Now I have a full beard and mustache etched permanently on my computer screen. FML

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By dancingqueef - United States - Kingston

Today, my mom told me to break a leg before performing in my dancing school's show. I really did break part of my leg while performing. FML

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By snarly1 - United States

Today, it was our one year anniversary. After a surprise re-creation of our first date, we went home, in the mood for love. The food poisoning from the restaurant had a different idea. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Paramus

Today, I got married. My husband and I had been waiting until marriage to have sex, and when the time came, we started to undress. As I took my bra off, his eyes glazed over, and he fainted. An hour later, all he could say was, "I don't think we're meant to be together." FML

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By HaleyIsabelle - France

Today, I thought my boyfriend was being sweet by stroking my hair, only to discover he was getting rid of a booger. FML

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By Vicky - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend went to kiss me as we were walking home. It was very icy and he slipped. His teeth went through my lip. FML

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By dogpatch087 - United States - Ventura

Shout the victory

Today, while climbing a mountain, I got to the top and then put both of my arms up in a victory kind of way only to trip on a rock and fall into a cactus plant. FML

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By - Germany - Bad Frankenhausen

Today, I asked my Mom to buy me new shorts. She bought fluffy bubble shorts. I'm a 20 year old guy. FML

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By Shiet - Singapore

Today, I found out that people are notified when you list them on Twitter. I've been listing people as "Interesting" and "Stupid". FML

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By RohnAbheek - India

Today, my girlfriend came over to stay the night. Before she arrived, I popped a viagra to spice things up. She then informed me that she was on her period and didn't feel comfortable doing it. I had a headache and a massive boner all night. FML

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By Daddy - United States - Lawrenceville

Today, I fell off of the deck in my backyard, which wouldn't have been that bad if my drunk, idiot brother hadn't jumped off behind me yelling, "FINISH HIM!" while delivering a bone-crushing body slam. He is fine. I, however, am currently getting a cast for a broken arm. FML

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By Lord Buttfuck IV - France

Today, my mum took away my laptop and my phone and won't let me call, text, or go out with friends for one month. Why? I left the toilet seat up. I'm writing this from a public library. FML

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By gymgirl - Hong Kong

Today, I learnt that eating McDonald's, Twisties, Chocolate and popcorn, then regretting it and going to the gym is a bad idea. I discovered how far vomit, on a moving treadmill, can be thrown across a room. FML

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By TalkedTo

Today, at 16 years old, I got "the talk" from Dad. He began with "I don’t really need to give you the talk do I? It would just be awkward for us both." I agreed with him, and we drove home in silence. Thanks for avoiding the awkwardness, Dad. FML

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By funnyguyNOT - United States

Today, a car was waiting for me to cross the street so I thought it would be funny to slowly limp across the street. When I got to the end, I jumped as high as I could to show I was faking. Turns out I tripped and hit my head hard on the sidewalk. That car took me to the hospital. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/7/2020 23:00

Retail stinks

Today, a pipe leaked in the store I work at. I had to smell sordid waste for more than 8 hours. FML

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By snickerdoodles - United States

Today, I was in class and noticed that it smelled strongly of cat urine. I smelled my shoulder and realized that my cat had peed on my sweater. I had six hours of classes left, and the smell had permeated my shirt. FML

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By rachiej8 - United States - Fairlee

Today, my boyfriend and I tried to have sex for the first time. Everything was going well, until he tried to put it in. A few minutes later, he said "It's not hard enough." We tried for another half hour to fix that. We ended up eating ice cream. FML

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Top comments

By thatonetree | 9

#5704573 - Sunday 6 October 2013 2:26

That is a pretty impressive skill. You gotta give it to him

By ABillOnFire | 15

#5704577 - Sunday 6 October 2013 2:27

it's reasons like this we were placed on this planet

COMMENTS

By thatonetree | 9

#5704573 - Sunday 6 October 2013 2:26

That is a pretty impressive skill. You gotta give it to him

Reply

tjv3 | 10

#5704620 - Sunday 6 October 2013 2:40

Yeah that is pretty impressive

Reply

Riku714 | 25

#5704622 - Sunday 6 October 2013 2:40

I have to agree, that's a pretty amazing skill

Reply

shaww | 28

#5704642 - Sunday 6 October 2013 2:47

Except when the baby wakes up from the yelling

Reply

whiteboy896 | 9

#5704655 - Sunday 6 October 2013 2:53

Give it "it"?

Reply

MileyC | 2

#5704669 - Sunday 6 October 2013 3:06

absolutely not. this is divorce worthy. that's is SO unsanitary of her husband.

Op you should reconsider your marriage

Reply

Welshite | 39

#5704682 - Sunday 6 October 2013 3:14

Hey, Miley, don't you have a foam finger to violate? Go take your idiotic ramblings somewhere else.

Reply

Pwn17 | 25

#5704727 - Sunday 6 October 2013 3:53

38- Right, and that also gives us the freedom to criticize her. It was a stupid comment.

Reply

SarMarJo | 17

#5704768 - Sunday 6 October 2013 4:34

#33, I'm sure his penis has been in other places. IN.

Reply

ChevyRedneck85 | 13

#5704783 - Sunday 6 October 2013 4:45

How'd he do that?

Reply

Ch_rae5 | 19

#5704815 - Sunday 6 October 2013 5:13

Wouldn't that kinda hurt?

Reply

Gurami | 8

#5704845 - Sunday 6 October 2013 5:37

Hihihi

Reply

obnum | 19

#5704866 - Sunday 6 October 2013 6:04

Has no use, but yeah, pretty good skill. How'd he do it?

Reply

camsterjoe | 12

#5704876 - Sunday 6 October 2013 6:12

What I want to know is 'soft or hard?'

Reply

Chris93Jones | 20

#5704934 - Sunday 6 October 2013 7:34

I don't know why, but I am wondering more details, soft or hard? head or on the hole?

Reply

sonuskos | 6

#5705103 - Sunday 6 October 2013 11:02

He's gonna be the first man to spin on his 'head'.

Reply

dingleberrysteve | 6

#5705276 - Sunday 6 October 2013 15:24

Wait, what kinda top? Wouldn'it hurt if if goes into the hole?

Reply

Aky0n | 10

#5706309 - Monday 7 October 2013 6:09

Today, i posted an fml post about my husband getting excited over spinning a top on his penis. All the comments approved, fml.

Reply

TheNewGuy03 | 28

#5706417 - Monday 7 October 2013 8:34

He's a dickhead b-boy. Shit, he might be able to do cock push-ups, too.

Reply

skuester | 4

#5707814 - Tuesday 8 October 2013 4:47

It's the balls that hurt

By Cheeley | 17

#5704574 - Sunday 6 October 2013 2:26

Well OP, that is pretty impressive.

Reply

Damian95 | 16

#5704747 - Sunday 6 October 2013 4:10

I'm surprised OP didn't blow her top off! Anyone? Ok...

Reply

Ch_rae5 | 19

#5704817 - Sunday 6 October 2013 5:15

is it just me or does his profile pic match his comment perfectly?

Reply

ilytyvm | 25

#5704832 - Sunday 6 October 2013 5:24

Lmfao. it does. I was thinking that.

Reply

zuixdoll504 | 4

#5704910 - Sunday 6 October 2013 6:50

what a keeper.good job op

Reply

blinked_281 | 29

#5704943 - Sunday 6 October 2013 7:45

I really want to see how he's doing this

Reply

gabbi630 | 16

#5705129 - Sunday 6 October 2013 12:24

Pic or it didn't happened.

By ABillOnFire | 15

#5704577 - Sunday 6 October 2013 2:27

it's reasons like this we were placed on this planet

Reply

FiFiLovee | 26

#5704944 - Sunday 6 October 2013 7:45

This is why aliens won't talk to us...

By QuantumLife | 12

#5704578 - Sunday 6 October 2013 2:27

Hey! Don't knock it. I'd love for my boyfriend to tell me that!

Reply

Allennis44 | 16

#5704884 - Sunday 6 October 2013 6:19

It IS pretty impressive

By Grayness_ | 26

#5704579 - Sunday 6 October 2013 2:28

I'm sorry but that's pretty impressive haha.

Reply

SilverInGray | 25

#5704699 - Sunday 6 October 2013 3:28

It sounds kind of painful to me.

By TylerAnderson98 | 10

#5704580 - Sunday 6 October 2013 2:28

He's a keeper.

Reply

evan_7899 | 28

#5711732 - Friday 11 October 2013 4:12

He is the definition of a keeper

By Nyx_fml | 23

#5704583 - Sunday 6 October 2013 2:28

It sounds like your husband definitely likes to have fun in the bedroom.

By TheOnlyKittyKat | 15

#5704584 - Sunday 6 October 2013 2:29

YouTube that shit. Or YouPorn. I bet someone, somewhere is into that.

Reply

Grayness_ | 26

#5704607 - Sunday 6 October 2013 2:33

YouPorn ? Haha
Talking from experience or?...

Reply

jc981987 | 7

#5704877 - Sunday 6 October 2013 6:12

The fact that you know what youporn is is kind of hot :P

Reply

JustKittyKat | 24

#5704918 - Sunday 6 October 2013 7:15

Hm...
The "only" kitty Kat, hm?

Reply

JustKittyKat | 24

#5704922 - Sunday 6 October 2013 7:22

Well I thought I was funny. I even imagined the epic, "There can only be one!"

By MEM0817 | 18

#5704587 - Sunday 6 October 2013 2:29

Ahhh. Men. They never fully grow up. Sometimes it's funny, sometimes, not so much.

Reply

AmexBlack | 24

#5704724 - Sunday 6 October 2013 3:47

Ahhh. Women. They never shut up. Sometimes they moan. Sometimes they nag.

Reply

addioty | 19

#5704800 - Sunday 6 October 2013 4:56

Generalization. . . *sigh*

Reply

steffidallasbfl | 16

#5705047 - Sunday 6 October 2013 9:35

It's funny. Not immature. Dang.

By Enslaved | 36

#5704589 - Sunday 6 October 2013 2:29

Woohoo time to break out the basketball!

Reply

DKjazz | 20

#5704611 - Sunday 6 October 2013 2:36

*Whistles "Sweet Georgia Brown"*

Reply

Enslaved | 36

#5704882 - Sunday 6 October 2013 6:16

Harlem Globetrotter's theme! Haha (:

Reply

DKjazz | 20

#5705424 - Sunday 6 October 2013 17:22

Not everybody knows that's the name of the tune, I guess.