Today, my husband woke up, rolled over, and said, "Good morning, beautiful." He hasn't called me that in months, but as I was about to reply, I realized he was talking to his pet turtle, not me. FML
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Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, I woke up, rolled over, and kissed the boy who was peacefully sleeping next to me, cheerfully saying, "Good morning, baby!" That boy is my dog. FML
Today, I was woken up by my wife softly kissing me on the lips. Half asleep, I kissed her back, before quickly opening my eyes and realising it wasn't my wife; it was my dog. FML
Today, I was talking to my boyfriend on the phone. After a short pause I hear him say "I love you." Smiling I say, "I love you too." Then he says, "I was talking to my dog." FML
Today, while I was sleeping, apparently I rolled over towards my fiancé and told him "We gotta save the turtles!" and had a five seconds long fart. Now he won't stop making fun of me. FML
Today, my husband rolled over in his sleep, cuddled up to me, and lovingly whispered “I love you Pizza Hut...” FML
Today, I woke up feeling awesome. I turned to face the sunrise in the window, and as I stretched and let out a big yawn. Only for my boyfriend to say "Baby, turn back over. Your breath smells like turds." FML
Today, after my husband got ready for work, he touched my arm and slowly bent down. I assumed he was going to say he loved me and to have a good day. As I quickly thought of a loving response and prepared to give him a kiss, he whispered in my ear, "Did you put a dead mouse in the toilet?" Thanks a lot, cat. FML
Today, my boyfriend told my hamster he loved her. Repeatedly. In 'cute' baby voices. He has yet to say it to me. FML
Today, my husband said a cheery, "Hi!" to me after 4 hours of nonstop Zoom calls. I spun around happily and greeted him back. Turns out he just joined another Zoom call. FML
Today, I was awoken by my wife patting my head and talking in her sleep, asking, "Who is this? Who am I touching?" She then rolled over and farted on me. FML
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Top comments
sarah6786 14
Next time when you wake up roll over and say "good morning sexy" to your vibrator.
chelsearenaeee 16
Turtles can be pretty cute.
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Comments (59)
iAmLauRawr 10
Maybe your beauty reflected off the turtle's shell Op! Theres hope left! :o That. Or you got a guy with a turtle fettish ;_;
Wizzlbang 10
cowabunga
scarface90 8
It's official, the turtle has more game than you!!
garrett1999o3 16
And I thought I wasn't normal....
noelasis94 18
Sleep naked painted as a turtle, then he'll give you some loving.
laya_fml 26
You know the saying, "A man and his turtle" Wait, is that not a saying?
jonn090 13
No, it's more like, Me and my right hand.
Underestimateme 6
Reminds me of Crabman from My Name Is Earl
noelasis94 18
Great show, who wouldn't want to be taught about karma?
zandalee 19
You need to work at getting under his shell OP. Sleep in a Ninja Turtles onesie with nipple cut-outs.
xmaximusx 12
Talk to your man, woman !
TrueTriage 16
If you're talking about asdf movies it's "I like trains." If not. Disregard this statement and buy some chocolates