Today, my husband woke up, rolled over, and said, "Good morning, beautiful." He hasn't called me that in months, but as I was about to reply, I realized he was talking to his pet turtle, not me. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I woke up, rolled over, and kissed the boy who was peacefully sleeping next to me, cheerfully saying, "Good morning, baby!" That boy is my dog. FML
Today, I was woken up by my wife softly kissing me on the lips. Half asleep, I kissed her back, before quickly opening my eyes and realising it wasn't my wife; it was my dog. FML
Today, I was talking to my boyfriend on the phone. After a short pause I hear him say "I love you." Smiling I say, "I love you too." Then he says, "I was talking to my dog." FML
Today, while I was sleeping, apparently I rolled over towards my fiancé and told him "We gotta save the turtles!" and had a five seconds long fart. Now he won't stop making fun of me. FML
Today, my husband rolled over in his sleep, cuddled up to me, and lovingly whispered “I love you Pizza Hut...” FML
Today, I woke up feeling awesome. I turned to face the sunrise in the window, and as I stretched and let out a big yawn. Only for my boyfriend to say "Baby, turn back over. Your breath smells like turds." FML
Today, after my husband got ready for work, he touched my arm and slowly bent down. I assumed he was going to say he loved me and to have a good day. As I quickly thought of a loving response and prepared to give him a kiss, he whispered in my ear, "Did you put a dead mouse in the toilet?" Thanks a lot, cat. FML
Today, my boyfriend told my hamster he loved her. Repeatedly. In 'cute' baby voices. He has yet to say it to me. FML
Today, my husband said a cheery, "Hi!" to me after 4 hours of nonstop Zoom calls. I spun around happily and greeted him back. Turns out he just joined another Zoom call. FML
Today, I was awoken by my wife patting my head and talking in her sleep, asking, "Who is this? Who am I touching?" She then rolled over and farted on me. FML
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Top comments
sarah6786 14
Next time when you wake up roll over and say "good morning sexy" to your vibrator.
chelsearenaeee 16
Turtles can be pretty cute.
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Comments (59)
karlcolt45 19
yurtle is gonna have a high self esteem day
A7XCamaro 19
30- It's a YouTube clip of a kid that had his face painted like a zombie, when he was asked about the paint he said "I like turtles"
amykins11 6
I call my turtle handsome all the time...turtles rock... Unless he was singing to his turtle about how he loves her more than you I wouldn't worry
happylappy 21
Am I the only one who thinks this is oddly cute?
WrongRomance 11
Your husband sounds like a pretty lame partner. Competing with a turtle for affection is not an ideal marriage.
Vickyh46 8
What a dick.
WelcomeToAndale 13
Pet-zoned.
upallnight11 19
Maybe he's trying to make you jealous?
TheCamoWulf 17
Your husband is Dale Gribble?
DanielleinDC 34
Wow. I'm guessing he did not name the turtle Beautiful. Guess you can always say, "Hello, lover" to your vibrator, as someone else suggested.