Today, I was so lonely, I tried to hold hands with plastic "horror... - FML

By Penkkis - 13/9/2011 06:11 - Finland

Today, I was so lonely, I tried to hold hands with plastic "horror hand" I bought for Halloween. FML

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Rock, hard place

Creepy

All for nothing

By Justincredible69 - 29/6/2015 20:29 - United States

Today, I was legitimately sick so I called in to work. Apparently, 4 other guys on my line called in too. My boss thought we planned it. Now we're all written up. FML

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By uppiskalle - 12/9/2014 14:32 - United States - Riverside

Today, my car was stolen from my driveway. I reported it to the police, the insurance company, and my neighbors, and begged for help via social media. As I walked to catch a bus, I saw my car parked outside my school. I forgot I left it there last night. FML

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By vballqt201 - 21/6/2009 16:03 - United States

Today, I was asking my one year old nephew what noises certain animals make. I decided to trick him and ask him what sound I make. He immediately says, "MOOOO". FML

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By bob - 29/6/2012 08:47 - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, I learned that I do not possess the upper body, core, or leg strength to hold my girlfriend up during sex. I simultaneously collapsed and dropped her onto her coffee table. We are now both being treated at the hospital; her for glass wounds, me for a concussion. FML

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By Pauper - 11/1/2010 07:20 - United States

Today, I talked myself out of buying $1 candle at the Dollar Tree. That's how broke I am. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/12/2011 18:44 - United States

Today, our Christmas tree was damaged beyond repair after my son and his friends borrowed it for a little experiment. They tied balloons to the branches and tried to make it fly, after seeing a similar video online. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2015 16:07 - United States - San Leandro

Today, after months of taking care of my grandma after a surgery, the doctors gave her a clean bill of health and I finally got to sleep in my own bed. She passed away while I was at home. FML

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By nudesurprise - 16/4/2009 14:49 - United States

Today, I was at my new apartment. My fiancé was coming home so I filled the apartment with candles and put on some sexy music. When he came up to my door, I answered the door, naked. What I didn't know was that he was bringing his dad to see the new apartment. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2011 05:20 - United States

Today, I found out that the new management position I'm supposed to start in two days was delayed for a month and a half. I already quit my current job and called my boss gay. FML

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By dearprudence89 - 10/11/2010 13:16 - United States

Today, I was kicked out of a Family Dollar. My mom thought it would be fun to press all the buttons on the musical ceramic cathedrals so they would all play at the same time. FML

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By hurt - 30/10/2017 08:00 - United States - Boise

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because of our differing skin tones. The contrast weirds him out during sex. FML

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By DumbLackofLuck - 22/12/2009 21:54 - United States

Today, I waited until the last minute to do my Christmas shopping. Today, I also discovered that my bank account has been frozen due to suspicious activity. FML

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By WasZumTeufel? - 1/1/2013 00:55 - Germany - Kabel

Today, my boyfriend took me to his house and introduced me to his parents. He also showed me around his bedroom. I think he forgot to remove the dartboard on his wall, taped to which was a swiss-cheesed printout of one of my Facebook photos. FML

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By dramateach11 - 3/4/2009 00:37 - United States

Today, I was trying to get drama students to attempt to make themselves cry. I was not having any luck, until suddenly a girl burst into tears, sobbing uncontrollably. I jumped up to applaud, saying what a wonderful thing it is to have such expressive kids. Turns out her grandma just died. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2010 23:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I walked outside to find someone had egged my house and smashed a pumpkin onto my car. I later discovered that the perpetrator was my own 8 year old son. FML

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By Takegami - 15/12/2018 17:30

Today. I had my first final exam. That would be fine if I hadn’t gotten sick 4 days ago. No one can go get my antibiotics, I feel like I’m dying and I can’t miss these exams under any circumstance. FML

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By Bl6122 - 2/2/2017 21:00 - United States - Lafayette

Today, my mom received a condolence card from my high school's alumni association for my recent passing. I'm still alive! FML

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By unzucht - 30/5/2012 16:45 - Romania - Bucharest

Today, my wife and I convened our families for a joint dinner, followed by me breaking the news that my wife is pregnant. My father visibly scoffed, and my grandfather spent the rest of the evening muttering to him about how "breeders should be shot". Wonderful. FML

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By newestallen - 9/8/2018 23:30

MILs gonna MIL...

Today, I married the love of my life, which was meant to stay secret until we can afford a ceremony. I opened Facebook to see that my hubby’s mom made a post about it, called me her new daughter-in-law, and tagged me. All 3 things we specifically asked her not to do. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2016 13:17 - United States - New York

Today, on Thanksgiving, I asked my kid what she is thankful for. "My tablet." I had just told her I was thankful for her. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2013 08:19 - United States - Crystal Lake

Today, my family and I went to feed carrots to the giraffes at the zoo. After I finished my first cup of carrots, I turned back to get some more. Suddenly, I was jerked back and a chunk of my hair was ripped out. The giraffe mistook the orange barrette in my hair for a carrot. FML

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By archer - 20/11/2008 11:10 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend who has just returned from his 3 month placement abroad cancelled our date. Why? Because there was a match England vs Germany. A friendly match. FML

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By jojolee68 - 28/2/2015 19:53 - United States

Today, I'm stuck in a taxi cab while the driver listens to a radio show about sex fetishes. Can't wait to look him in the eye as I pay him. FML

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By CreepedOut - 29/8/2010 19:45 - United States

Today, I decided to try something new and sign up for an online dating service, since I can't meet a decent guy in person. The first guy I talked to told me he used to be in a mental hospital for obsessing over a girl, then told me he would be dreaming of me that night. FML

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By Teiu88 - 20/10/2013 14:34 - Canada - Niagara Falls

Today, I realized how bad my OCD is when I accidentally got a paper cut and I was annoyed by the fact that the cut wasn't in a straight line. FML

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By DogStew - 12/9/2019 18:00

Scooby snacks?

Today, I had to watch my niece’s puppy. The darn dog kept finding turds in the yard and eating them. One turd had worms in it. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2020 09:30

I don't like to move it, move it

Today, I realized just how sedentary both my work and home lives are after I went to the doctor with a rash on my butt and he diagnosed it as bedsores from near constant sitting. FML

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By savanah_aaron - 31/3/2017 20:00

Today, I have to use the same techniques to trick my 24-year-old husband into brushing his teeth, as I do my 2-year-old. FML

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By NotAsToughAsHeThinks - 14/2/2011 03:25 - United States

Today, a man pulled me violently into an alleyway and informed me I was being mugged. Being a body-builder, I said, "Oh yeah? I dare you." He kicked my ass in a matter of seconds, stole my wallet, then farted on my bruised face. He called me a wimp. FML

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By thanksmom - 2/2/2011 02:01 - United States

Today, I finally got up the nerve to invite the guy I like to hang out at my house. It was also the day my mother decided that our house is a "pants optional zone," and that she should implement that policy immediately. While he was at our house. FML

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By zawbentley - 26/9/2009 07:01 - United States

Today, I called my boss to let her know that I was suffering from severe depression and that my doctor suggested I take a month's leave. Her response: "Glad you are getting help, however we can't hold your job. No need to come to the office, we'll mail your stuff to you." FML

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By marcy_89 - 23/7/2019 16:01

Today, with 3 miles left of a 16-mile bike ride, I got a flat tire and had to push my bike back to my car. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2019 16:00

Nature calls

Today, I had to use a drop hole toilet while camping. The smell will haunt me for the rest of my life. FML

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By BlueBirdWings - 31/5/2019 02:30

Today, my boyfriend and I were cuddling on the couch. Trying to be suave, he put a Kool-Fruit between his teeth and motioned for me to kiss him so he could put it in my mouth. Just as he was about to do so, I inhaled, swallowing it. He then had to watch me dry-retching as I tried to get it back up. FML

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By BW - 7/6/2009 21:49 - United States

Today, I woke up to my wife talking in her sleep, "No Brandon! I don't want to have sex!" My wife won't have sex with me when she's awake OR in her dreams. FML

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By tukker - 17/7/2009 23:14 - Canada

Today, my brother replaced my cologne with whiskey. I have a job interview and I smell like a drunk. FML

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By News to Me - 21/10/2018 15:30

Today, I went to switch my phone number to a new carrier. During the credit check, I was told that I couldn't because I already had an active account. This came as a surprise, as I've never had an account with that carrier. Time to file a fraud claim. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2020 17:00

Worth a shot

Today, I told the guy I've been in love with for a year how I felt. He replied, "There will never be an us, but you can send nudes if you like." FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2015 01:08 - United States - La Crosse

Today, I gambled on a fart and lost. FML

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By maninpain - 10/10/2011 19:44 - Kenya

Today, after a root canal, I went to the pharmacy for some pain killers. The cute girl behind the counter asked what I needed. When I opened my mouth to tell her, a wave of drool hurtled out and splattered on the counter. FML

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Top comments

By DocBastard | 38

#3283062 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 16:03

I have to hand it to you, that makes me want to give you the finger. Pathetic losers like you grate on me like nails on a chalkboard. Go somewhere warm and sunny with palm trees, find a cuticle guy, and have some fun! I'm not yelling though...think of this more as a slap on the wrist. Maybe you've left already since you know I'm right.

By Llamassss | 21

#3283045 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 16:01

Get a dog.

COMMENTS

By pondermuse | 5

#3282991 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 15:55

That's well creepy...

Reply

emilymelizabeth | 11

#3283020 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 15:58

thats really weird you should get a gf/bf.

Reply

opendoorclosed | 8

#3283208 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 16:36

You should have bought a plastic "horror vagina" in that case.

Reply

flamerocker | 9

#3283260 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 16:46

Forever alone...

Reply

ImFrackinBored | 13

#3283265 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 16:49

Go to the mall or something xD

Reply

sarapsosis | 1

#3283658 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 18:41

yeah go to the mall while holding the plastic hand! yeah! do thaaat! uh huh!!!

Reply

Georgieeporgiee | 9

#3284542 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:55

Oh god is it bad that I do that too put with one of those hands that hold jewellery:$:$

Reply

heilheather | 7

#3285636 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 1:53

Hold hands with yourself like
Wall-e :3

Reply

xSwaGKinGx | 0

#3286880 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 6:01

forever alone...

By BrianAlarcon | 0

#3282996 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 15:56

god gave you a hand..

Reply

CryMoreFMLs | 14

#3283367 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 17:19

OP, screw real people. Move to the internet like I did. It's far more accepting of us loners.

Reply

flockz | 19

#3283578 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 18:18

internet and hands.... i smell porn.

Reply

KatherineAnne | 7

#3296304 - Friday 16 September 2011 3:43

I did that once when I was in 7th grade... Back before I was hot when no guy wanted me. Haha :)

By Epsilonyx | 15

#3283006 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 15:57

No offense....but that is abhorrently creepy.

Reply

iam_yummylicious | 12

#3283347 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 17:16

I find it to be pathetic and tragic more so than creepy.

Reply

Epsilonyx | 15

#3283586 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 18:19

Um..I kind of agree now that I think about it.

By iAmScrubs | 19

#3283010 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 15:57

Looks like someone is going to get some action tonight!

Reply

futtbuck101 | 1

#3285184 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 0:54

A horror hand-job.

By josh8215 | 21

#3283033 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 16:00

At least he might be better in bed than lefty or righty, right? Horror hand knows what the ladies like!

By Llamassss | 21

#3283045 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 16:01

Get a dog.

Reply

taniyan | 1

#3656747 - Tuesday 29 November 2011 5:37

ew. bestiality ;) jk

By Alex94xela | 0

#3283050 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 16:01

Did u later try to make him horror finger you?

Reply

Kartor | 6

#3285807 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 2:27

Hilarious!

Reply

msfattietice | 3

#3329238 - Thursday 22 September 2011 19:02

LOL nice

By DocBastard | 38

#3283062 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 16:03

I have to hand it to you, that makes me want to give you the finger. Pathetic losers like you grate on me like nails on a chalkboard. Go somewhere warm and sunny with palm trees, find a cuticle guy, and have some fun! I'm not yelling though...think of this more as a slap on the wrist. Maybe you've left already since you know I'm right.

Reply

clewie | 8

#3283096 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 16:07

Don't quit your day job.

Reply

DocBastard | 38

#3283118 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 16:13

Don't quit my day job...to do what? Comment here? Why, do you get paid a lot for commenting? Please tell me how much FML has paid you for your 20 comments! Oh please tell me!

Reply

Jimster1712 | 0

#3283321 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 17:08

docbastard , you are by far the best fml commentor ever!! RESPECT!!!

Reply

SnowFlakeInAK | 7

#3283352 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 17:17

I love you Doc!
Clewie,you're obviously new here so I'll give you some noob advice... Don't fuck with Doc!!! You will lose,every single time.

Reply

clewie | 8

#3284739 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 23:27

Sorry if your horrible puns don't amuse me.

Reply

lmfaoooooooooo | 4

#3284904 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 23:59

I find his puns amusing.....

Reply

DocBastard | 38

#3285623 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 1:50

Clewie, puns are by their very nature horrible. The great thing about the comment section is that, while you are free to voice your opinion, others are just as free to chime in and disagree with you. Feel free to thumb up all the "lol ur dum" comments you like. They seem to be more along your lines of what constitutes humour.

Reply

je_suis_fml | 11

#3286734 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 5:21

damn clewie... I do believe you officially have a new owner.. lol

Reply

margie2194 | 12

#3286898 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 6:16

Doc, with all due respect that was quite rude...

Reply

kaengelangeleyes | 9

#3286984 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 7:13

Well, he IS DocBASTARD, not sure about the literal but clearly in the derogatory sense lol. Its kind of brilliant, despite his perpetual nastiness.

Reply

DocBastard | 38

#3288690 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 16:32

Margie, this is the username that was assigned to me, so I assumed that my persona should match the name. If they had given me "DocNiceguy", I'm sure my comments would be much different.

Reply

kaileigh33 | 0

#3334802 - Friday 23 September 2011 18:58

Doc you suck very bad ur not a doctor just dumb

By slipknotz | 0

#3283076 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 16:04

Are you sure it isn't your hands that are the "horror hands?"

By MagicallyFat | 12

#3283098 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 16:08

No offense but what would that even fulfill? The whole point of holding hands is cause you like the other person