Kids: Today, I excitedly told my husband that I'm pregnant with our...

By Anonymous - United States - Herndon

Today, I excitedly told my husband that I'm pregnant with our first child. With the most shit-eating grin, he said, "Hi, Pregnant. I'm dad." FML

I agree, your life sucks

29890

You deserved it

9365

Favorite

Kids

Coherence dude, do you have it?

And today, on Dr Phil…

OCD

By checkthelabel - United States - Fremont

Today, I had a throbbing cluster headache. It didn't help matters when an angry customer yelled at me because a dress was "defective." Why was it defective? It didn't fit her. Why didn't it fit her? It was the wrong size. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13849

You deserved it

845

Favorite

By Acu7519

Today, at my job as a 2nd grade teacher, I was explaining to my students how I'm pregnant and will have to take a break from teaching after I have my baby. One of my students replied with "Ooooooooohhh Ms. Johnson had sex!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

4106

You deserved it

819

Favorite

By woahheylex - United States

Today, after ordering pizza, I heard some strange noises coming from my basement so I called the cops. The pizza came fifteen minutes before the cops. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36587

You deserved it

5329

Favorite

By Diana

Today, I gave birth to my first son. He was 11 pounds and the labour lasted 22 hours. My husband was absent for 8 of those hours because he slipped when my water broke, cracked his head, and ended up in the ER next door. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4766

You deserved it

350

Favorite

By JessThompson - Canada - Hamilton

Today, after telling my young kids all about Santa, his reindeer and his sleigh, we saw him. Smoking a cigarette in the beat-up car next to ours at a red light. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24887

You deserved it

4332

Favorite

By Anon - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I woke up at 3:00 am feeling freezing cold and soaking wet. It turns out that my dad had opened my window when I was sleeping, and rain water had been pouring in on me all night. My hair, face, pillow, blankets, alarm clock, and homework were all soaked as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51407

You deserved it

3609

Favorite

By budgetboss - United States - Granbury

Today, I got a call that my custom order bridesmaid dress is at the apartment complex I just moved out of. They won’t give it to me because I’m no longer a resident, but they just thought I should know. The wedding’s tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4197

You deserved it

363

Favorite

By Anonymous - Estonia

Today, I realized that not only did my parents not get me anything for Christmas, they also stole the $500 my grandparents gave me to buy a computer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44002

You deserved it

2842

Favorite

By TheFlash - United States

Today, I was down at Disney World. Me and my buddy decided to take our pictures in a photobooth. While in the tiny space, I thought it'd be funny to flash the camera. A women barged in as soon as I did so, screaming "You know there's an outside video feed, right!?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

12356

You deserved it

65418

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Aurora

Today, I got a raise at work. It will bring my hourly wage to about a cent more per hour. Our CEO just reported record-breaking profits for the year. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25235

You deserved it

1988

Favorite

By twitch01 - United States

Today, as a joke, my friends and I decided to put me in a dress and makeup, to creep out a friend. I'm a guy. I'm not sure which is worse, the fact that I so willingly volunteered to wear the dress and the makeup, or the fact that I thought it was comfy and made me look slim. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14721

You deserved it

54277

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, as I was taking the bus home, I sat down next to a man wearing an FML shirt. While snickering I said to him "You totally deserved it." I guess he thought that comment deserved a broken nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21349

You deserved it

81542

Favorite

By SadAndCold - 11/10/2020 07:01 - United Kingdom - London

Pull your shit together, Bezos

Today, my Amazon delivery was delayed. I just moved to a new place and that delivery had my pillow and blanket. I can't go buy them in person since I'm self-isolating and the heating isn't working either. Guess I'm sleeping in the freezing cold on the bare mattress one more night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1121

You deserved it

233

Favorite

By Kevin - United States

Today, I spent almost my entire English class turned on thinking that the hot girl next to me was playing footsie with me. That is until she stood up and I realized I had been rubbing my foot on her backpack. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10131

You deserved it

46598

Favorite

By stupiddog - United States - San Francisco

Today, my house was robbed. My two 70-pound German Shepherds obeyed me when I told them to attack. They also obeyed the robber when he said, "Sit". FML

I agree, your life sucks

58251

You deserved it

5257

Favorite

By Anon - United States

Today, I was so lonely that I was comforted by the sound of mice running through the walls of my apartment. I left cheese and peanut butter out for them to find so that I could at least have a pet for company. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35875

You deserved it

9823

Favorite

By TecheyTim - United States - Latham

Today, a coworker and I pulled a April Fools' joke on our boss. She "borrowed" his keys and rolled down his window. I took a car window from a scrap yard and sprinkled it on the ground near his door. His response was to kick the nearest object in anger. The nearest object happened to be my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27202

You deserved it

11491

Favorite

By Foreveralone - United States - Hartford

Today, I was told I'm not invited to my best friend's birthday party. Apparently, being divorced and childless doesn't "mesh" well with the rest of the group. My parents are still watching her kids so she can go away for the weekend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12998

You deserved it

874

Favorite

By Anonymous - Australia - Blacktown

Today, I was playing Charades. My boyfriend, who I'd recently had a fight with, had trouble and just said his answer was the name of my celebrity twin. Nobody got it. He said "Really? It's Fat Bastard." Stunned silence followed, broken by a single "HAH." from my 'best friend'. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33841

You deserved it

4256

Favorite

So romantic!

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend on my boat at the lake. As we were looking at the mountains all around us, she playfully pushed me off the side into the water. As I got back on the boat, I realized that not only was my cellphone dead, but the ring had fallen into the deep water. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3174

You deserved it

256

Favorite

By mnavy - United States

Today, while wearing my Navy Dress White Uniform, I decided to stop and help this attractive girl who was not feeling well. Without warning, she blew chunks all over my "Whites". I have a uniform inspection later this afternoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41452

You deserved it

5014

Favorite

By Samantha - Singapore

Today, I turned 22. Instead of cutting my own cake, I stood by and smiled at a friend's belated birthday party. She celebrated her birthday two months ago. She decided to have her party on my birthday. No one remembered mine but everyone got her beautiful gifts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

71750

You deserved it

5074

Favorite

By Coley - Canada

Today, I went to the doctor to talk about my depression and low self-esteem. He told me that I shouldn't think of myself as a fat pig for being overweight. I don't think that and I'm NOT overweight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29869

You deserved it

3607

Favorite

By Crampon - United States

Today, I called my mom to tell her: "Mom, I finally got my period!" There was an awkward pause. She was at work. I was on speakerphone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

64747

You deserved it

24947

Favorite

By :x - United States - Richmond

Today, I tried to be sexy by pulling down my girlfriend's panties with my teeth. I didn't expect to be faced with the mother of all shit stains and start gagging so bad I nearly puked. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33776

You deserved it

5309

Favorite

By why mom

Today, my straight, white, Christian stepmother greeted my black friend with, "Hey my n****a!" He hasn't talked to me since. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17329

You deserved it

1361

Favorite

By stuckonrepeat - United Kingdom

Today, I received the results of the exams that I re-took in order to improve my grades. I got exactly the same grades as before in all four exams. Point for point identical. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17350

You deserved it

19497

Favorite

By Chloe - United Kingdom

Today, it was my first day on a £600 a week job. I was fired for being 10 minutes late. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11946

You deserved it

65576

Favorite

By anonymous - United States

Today, I got a text from a woman containing many naked pictures of her. Apparently she meant to send those to her boyfriend whose number is one digit from mine. The bad part? My girlfriend was using my phone when I received that message. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48507

You deserved it

2963

Favorite

By Odds in my favour

Today, I put out a public ad for a dancing buddy. No pictures, just a brief description of what I was looking for. A guy answered and we started chatting. The more he revealed, the more familiar he sounded. Yep! That's him! My stalker from 10 years ago. Guess I have to move. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4629

You deserved it

374

Favorite

By Escape! - United States

Today, I walked in on my porn addicted roommate watching a gynecologist exam online. He asked me to watch it with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48455

You deserved it

4241

Favorite

By you+me-clothes=53>< - Austria - Vienna

Today, my boyfriend went down on me. I don't know why, but my mind wandered. He now thinks that he has the skills of a porn star, while I'm pretty sure that finally solving a mathematical problem I've been working on for a week caused me to orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54938

You deserved it

8998

Favorite

By Anonymous - 7/6/2021 22:01

Heavy sandwich, man

Today, I was sitting on park bench eating a sandwich when suddenly the bench broke and I fell and broke my arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks

872

You deserved it

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, a telemarketer called me and asked if they could speak to my "mommy or daddy". I am 25 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27342

You deserved it

2773

Favorite

By sam - 11/11/2020 03:03 - United States - Denver

Drama Queen

Today, my daughter lightly bumped her hand on a wall, cried and screamed for 5 minutes, vomited, then passed out. She’s 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks

993

You deserved it

219

Favorite

By shitless88 - United States

Today, I'm sitting in a public toilet when a guy kicks the door in and shoves a police badge in my face, screaming for me to tell him "the path of Lemmiwinks". After a whole minute of me shitting my balls off, he bursts into laughter and tells me I've been pranked. I was too embarrassed to report him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32771

You deserved it

4242

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my 16-year-old son broke two of his fingers playing with Play-Doh. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51929

You deserved it

5258

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Tucson

Today, my husband still hadn't gotten me anything for Christmas, so I bought and wrapped my own presents. Then I had my husband write 'to me, from him' on them so that I won't be embarrassed in front of my family on Christmas when it comes time to open presents. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7976

You deserved it

1141

Favorite

By Anonymous - Sweden - ?kersberga

Today, I went on my first date in 8 years. While we were looking at the menu, the guy said: "So if you're vegetarian, why're you so fat?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

47858

You deserved it

8192

Favorite

By fatty - United States - Madison

Today, I was chatting with the cute new receptionist at the gym. I told her that I would be going there more if she was there. She looked me up and down and said that I should go regardless. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38296

You deserved it

15785

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By amburrjade | 28

#6464192 - Wednesday 18 November 2015 9:40

It's begun. Welcome to 20+ years of Dad Jokes.

By iipinkette | 16

#6464193 - Wednesday 18 November 2015 9:41

He has passed the dad jokes test, he's ready.

COMMENTS

By amburrjade | 28

#6464192 - Wednesday 18 November 2015 9:40

It's begun. Welcome to 20+ years of Dad Jokes.

Anti_Sora | 31

#6464308 - Wednesday 18 November 2015 13:54

*full life of Dad Jokes.

By iipinkette | 16

#6464193 - Wednesday 18 November 2015 9:41

He has passed the dad jokes test, he's ready.

By Awahso | 25

#6464194 - Wednesday 18 November 2015 9:41

Congratulations! Eh, he already has "Dad humor" locked down. Prepare for 18 years of terrible jokes and puns.

pedopears | 18

#6464197 - Wednesday 18 November 2015 9:43

Once you passed the Dad humor test, it will stay until death takes them apart.

By amileah13 | 26

#6464195 - Wednesday 18 November 2015 9:41

Aww, I think that's adorable. Congrats you two!

By Tripartita | 44

#6464196 - Wednesday 18 November 2015 9:43

Oh, God, I just realized that's the type of joke I'd make. I need to… I need to rethink some things… or become a father.

gamermonster | 34

#6464208 - Wednesday 18 November 2015 9:57

I suggest the second :p

By Anubis95_fml | 10

#6464198 - Wednesday 18 November 2015 9:44

Well you can be rest assured he will make a great father.

By WinterChild | 20

#6464199 - Wednesday 18 November 2015 9:46

Just wait till he reaches the grandfather jokes level.

zach205 | 24

#6464692 - Thursday 19 November 2015 1:37

Grandfather jokes, aka dad jokes^2

By dtdrpepperguy | 14

#6464200 - Wednesday 18 November 2015 9:49

So it begins....

By Earths_Venus | 25

#6464202 - Wednesday 18 November 2015 9:53

KEEP HIM! That's hilarious!

By darkmatou_fml | 19

#6464206 - Wednesday 18 November 2015 9:57

He was ready ! Congratulations ~