Today, I found out the person who's been stalking and harassing... - FML

By jflac - 24/12/2014 12:03 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I found out the person who's been stalking and harassing me online was actually my now ex-boyfriend. He only confessed as I finally picked up the phone to report it to the police. He basically said he wanted me to turn to him for comfort and protection, so he could "feel like a man". FML

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Who's a good boy?

Rich people problems

Night terrors

By RoastedbyNature - 21/5/2017 22:00

Basted High School

Today, my high school decided to practice graduation outside for 4 hours instead of inside, as well as serve lunch outside. Now everybody, including myself, is going to be sunburnt in their graduation pictures, because we were told practice was inside. FML

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By rubber_duckie177 - 24/9/2009 11:25 - United States

Today, my sisters and I were throwing my mom a birthday party. Since I'm not good at baking, I ordered her a really nice and expensive cake. As my daughter and I were headed out the door, she told me she had added some sprinkles to make it pretty. It was the silica beads from a package. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2016 16:33

Today, two people came up to me at school, asking if I'd sell them some of my Adderall. I only just transferred here and have never mentioned my ADHD or the Adderall I take for it to anyone. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2013 23:08 - United States - Oceanside

Today, I told the guy I've liked since we were children that I'm madly in love with him. He replied with, "Aw, I love you too, as a sister." I was speechless. He patted me on the back and said, "Better luck next time." FML

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By love you too honey boo - 13/1/2020 05:00

Dirty room

Today, I sent a scantily clad pic to my boyfriend, to which he responded "Nice, but please clean your room". FML

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By Oh hells no - 16/9/2013 07:26 - United States - Los Altos

Today, my girlfriend came home with a huge bouquet of roses. They were from an admirer, brainwashing her to think I'm a terrible boyfriend for not buying her flowers like he did. FML

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By haggisbowl - 14/1/2012 06:52 - United States

Today, my boyfriend stated that we should play a game where one person asks the other a question, and they answer it with a picture. I thought it sounded fun so I said yes. His first question was, "Do you shave your vagina?" FML

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By theamericandream - 25/1/2009 13:07 - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me to set up his new Mac and transfer all the pictures from his old notebook. Seems like he forgot that when he went on vacation 2 months ago he took pictures of him getting it on with another guy. We've been together for 3 years and just moved in together. FML

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By ming - 19/8/2018 14:30

Today, despite being 22 and having near-perfect dental hygiene, I was diagnosed with receding gums and can only eat soft food for the rest of my life. Then the dentist told me that this typically only happens to people over fifty who don’t take care of their teeth. FML

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By hating labels - 23/10/2012 08:21 - Australia

Today, at breakfast, my sister labelled me a "feminist." My whole family now refuses to talk to me for more than 30 seconds, and acts as though I have an incurable, highly contagious disease. FML

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By abc - 27/5/2009 10:15 - Pakistan

Today, I took my friends out to an expensive restaurant for my birthday treat. They had arranged for a surprise birthday cake for me which I cut, very happily, while they chanted birthday wishes. When the bill came, I discovered I was supposed to pay for my great 'surprise' cake. FML

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By _schaden_freude - 27/12/2016 17:31 - United Kingdom - Ashford

Today, my boyfriend's dad came onto me. I was shocked and awkwardly tried to exit the situation. My boyfriend then sprang out and started shouting at me. Apparently, it was a "test" to see if I would still be attracted to him in 30 years. I failed. What. The. Fuck. FML

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By Starving Student - 17/5/2012 03:42 - United States - Tacoma

Today, I got a ticket for panhandling to get gas money so that I could both drive out to a job interview AND still have enough gas to pick up my dad. Apparently, these particular cops had nothing better to do than harass me for standing quietly next to a freeway entrance with a silly sign. FML

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By SpanishInFrenchClass - 6/12/2012 05:35 - United States

Today, I had a presentation in French class. I was so nervous, the first thing I said when I got up there was, "Hola." FML

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By Anonymous - 1/12/2014 17:55 - United States

Today, my mom found my dildo, and got so angry that she beat me with it. FML

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By gnownayrgnow - 8/5/2011 05:05 - United States

Today, I decided to be extra nice to my girlfriend by washing all the dishes and folding all the clothes. She thought I was being "too nice" and hypothesized that I was cheating on her. FML

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By sasha625 - 22/12/2018 14:00

Today, I was running late for work. My windshield had completely frozen over. I didn’t have anything to dissolve the ice..except some coffee I had made 30 minutes earlier. I decided to dump my coffee on my windshield. Instead of dissolving the ice, the creamer froze on entire windshield. FML

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By petra84 - 22/10/2012 22:34 - United States - Evans

Today, I let a friend borrow a power saw. When I found it on my porch later, the blade was missing and the cord was cut. Looking closer, I realized it was his saw. He kept my new one. He totally denies that he switched them and now won't answer his door. FML

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By Elizabeth Ann - 10/5/2019 23:00

Today, at work, I fainted and hit my head. When I told my boyfriend, he said, “Why does it matter?” FML

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By Jack - 1/2/2009 08:54 - United Kingdom

Today, I was playing with 3 kids I look after. The middle one has just learned about sex and started chanting that I had done it with the eldest as a joke. We were in the garden and the neighbours heard. Now I am fired, have to leave the house and am being investigated by the police. FML

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By TheEnglishOne - 23/1/2009 00:42 - United States

Today, in class, I asked my teacher for a "rubber". I didn't realise that in America "rubber" doesn't mean "eraser", it means condom. FML

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By Noname - 20/2/2009 05:17 - United States

Today, they were handing out free razors in the mall. I went up to get my free sample, but the woman just smiled and said, "Sorry honey, they're sharp, and not for children." I'm 25. FML

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By OnlyAvailableID - 8/2/2015 08:35 - Australia

Today, I had my first threesome. It was me, my wonderful girlfriend, and her shithead cat after he decided my balls were a bag of catnip and just had to play with. Things ended pretty fast. FML

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By acnegirl - 26/7/2009 04:29 - United States

Today, I was romantically cuddling with my boyfriend. He looked deep into my eyes, stared lovingly at me, and said, "I never noticed, but you have the most adorable freckles on your face..." Blushing, I tilted my head to the side. He then said, "Oh, never mind, those are just your blackheads." FML

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By ProudASDmom - 30/3/2016 02:39 - Canada - Chilliwack

Today, my son's first impression of our new neighborhood was to be yelled at by the first kid he tried to introduce himself to, because my son was on the edge of their lawn. Half-an-hour later, I got a lecture at the corner store, because the clerk thinks vaccinations caused my son's autism. FML

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By fencernick - 22/4/2009 10:40 - United States

Today, I was eating a hamburger on the street when a pigeon came down to take a bite. I ran and got 30 birds or so chasing me. My legs were burning, half of my burger was gone, and an entire office building was laughing at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/4/2016 12:55 - Ukraine - Kiev

Today, after weeks of being engaged and with the wedding date planned, I finally told my parents. They told me it was my best April Fool's joke ever. I should've waited one more day. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2009 14:12 - United States

Today, I realized I had misspelled "Education" on all the resumes I've been submitting. FML

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By thatonesilentkidinclass - 4/5/2013 08:11 - Philippines - San Juan

Today, I finally started exercising. I'm a rather obese person and I'm super pumped up to finally get off my lazy butt and lose some weight. Locking myself in my room, I first started with a very simple exercise: jumping jacks. I farted each time I jumped. I jumped 10 times. FML

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By skippy_liz - 26/10/2010 07:48 - United States

Today, I went to the library to pick up Romeo and Juliet, for my English class. After looking around for half an hour, I asked the librarian. "I couldn't find Shakespeare anywhere. Where could I find him?" She quickly replied "He's dead", giggled to herself, and went back to her work. FML

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By BlueSteele220 - 22/3/2016 08:57 - United States - Coppell

Today, my family got mad at me for eloping and not inviting them to my wedding. Even though they admitted they wouldn't have gone anyway. FML

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By Sabraynay - 28/9/2011 06:47

Today, my mom instructed me to never scream when being attacked by a rapist. Apparently it would only anger him, causing him to chop my boobs off and superglue my eyes shut. FML

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By storrent - 5/10/2016 16:18 - United States - Houston

Today, I discovered that my band section had misspelled my name as "Joke" on our section poster. On purpose. It's supposed to be Jake. FML

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By ...... - 8/10/2011 02:40 - United States

Today, I was talking with my uncle, when the subject of my abusive mother-in-law came up. He assured me he'd talk to her and straighten things out. Apparently this means posting on her Facebook wall threatening to "pimp-slap a bitch" if she doesn't get her "fat ass out of family business". FML

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By Jayanka - 3/5/2018 05:00

Today, my 17-year-old daughter has been sending and receiving videos and pictures of a sexual nature. I just had to wade through a ton of middle-aged dick pics as evidence for the police. FML

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By M to the line - 11/1/2009 03:57 - France

Today, I lied and said I was late for work because my car's tire was flat. Two hours later, some of my friends came in and said something along the lines that "We should do brunch every saturday, (like this morning) it was awesome!" in front of my manager. FML

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By Username - 16/7/2010 04:17 - France

Today, my wife, daughter, and I get to spend the next 4 hours in the ER. Why? Because we're all throwing up at the same time. At least it counts as a family activity. FML

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By chicochico - 19/12/2008 16:05 - France

Today, I had sex with a girl who cried out as she came "Forgive me Lord! Forgive me Lord!" FML

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By M2thaM - 29/5/2009 05:23 - United States

Today, I was trying to flirt with the guy I like using body language, so I leaned over this counter in a sensual way. I happened to have a fork, so I went to bite the tip that sexy way people do in movies. I accidentally stabbed myself in the lip, cutting it. My lunch had jalapeños in it. FML

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By jend - 23/5/2009 20:20 - United States

Today, I went into work happy about my supervising promotion. When I arrived at work, I realized that only one person had decided to come into work today, which meant I had to clean 15 rooms, and supervise myself. FML

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Top comments

By Hiimhaileypotter | 52

#6153318 - Thursday 25 December 2014 0:30

Glad he's your ex. He's clearly an idiot.

By Patriots21 | 14

#6153330 - Thursday 25 December 2014 0:33

And you'll be turning to a restraining order

COMMENTS

By iwanttogotoparis | 26

#6153316 - Thursday 25 December 2014 0:30

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By Hiimhaileypotter | 52

#6153318 - Thursday 25 December 2014 0:30

Glad he's your ex. He's clearly an idiot.

Reply

dudeman1212 | 22

#6153813 - Thursday 25 December 2014 16:41

He's clearly just using the D.E.N.N.I.S. System from It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia

By Welshite | 39

#6153328 - Thursday 25 December 2014 0:32

Harassment and stalking makes one less of a man than just about anything else. They are called predators for a reason.

Reply

JayGatsby | 25

#6153565 - Thursday 25 December 2014 7:04

I agree. I don't get why he went to such extensive measures, like stalking and harassing her, rather than just talking to her. Even if he already tried that, he could just break up with her.

By Patriots21 | 14

#6153330 - Thursday 25 December 2014 0:33

And you'll be turning to a restraining order

Reply

CoolCookie210 | 22

#6153846 - Thursday 25 December 2014 17:35

Yeah. What the fuck, man?

By americanafrican | 32

#6153331 - Thursday 25 December 2014 0:33

I hope he felt like a man cuz he didn't act like one

By Noah197099 | 17

#6153333 - Thursday 25 December 2014 0:34

What kind of experiment is that?

Reply

Mystery_Unsolved | 16

#6153542 - Thursday 25 December 2014 6:10

A failed one.

By annarcheer | 19

#6153338 - Thursday 25 December 2014 0:35

its sad to say those types of things happen a lot there's some crazy people in this world. sorry op

By T_Young96 | 13

#6153340 - Thursday 25 December 2014 0:37

He sees you when your sleeping, he knows when your awake... ?

Reply

Garrett2818 | 21

#6153650 - Thursday 25 December 2014 12:04

Fuck the down votes 8 I liked your joke.

By fakedsincerity | 32

#6153343 - Thursday 25 December 2014 0:38

Brrr. Stay safe and keep away from people like that.

By speakfreely | 21

#6153344 - Thursday 25 December 2014 0:38

Time for s new boyfriend like who does this

Reply

royal_ranger | 12

#6153376 - Thursday 25 December 2014 1:11

Him, clearly.

Reply

shutupshane12 | 12

#6153598 - Thursday 25 December 2014 8:38

Clearly he's an ex already