Love: Today, I found out the person who's been stalking and harassing... - FML

By jflac - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I found out the person who's been stalking and harassing me online was actually my now ex-boyfriend. He only confessed as I finally picked up the phone to report it to the police. He basically said he wanted me to turn to him for comfort and protection, so he could "feel like a man". FML

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Vulture

BO Central

Some friend

By not the cook - United States - Wernersville

Today, I found out that my restaurant's food is so bad that the only reason some people visit is because they're punishing their kids. FML

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By ericane27 - United States

Today, I woke up to someone screaming "FIRE!" When I sat up, my face went right into my room-mate's ballsack. Apparently it was funny. FML

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By Karmas3itch - United States

Today, I was taking a bath and needed shampoo. I leaned on the soap holder to get some and it came off the wall. Huge ants started pouring out running up the walls, down the walls, EVERYWHERE. I ran out of the bathroom screaming, completely naked. FML

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By Lovernotafighter - United Kingdom

Today, my granddad had to start sleeping in my bedroom. He has flashback dreams to when he was a boxer, and he's already lamped my granny three times in his sleep. I get a camp-bed, and the chance to listen to him snore like a wild boar. FML

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By Lulu - United States

Today, I was washing some clothes in the laundry room at my apartment complex. I went back an hour later, passed my neighbor on the way in, and moved my clothes to the dryer. I just brought them back from the dryer, and all my underwear are missing. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - West End

Today, as my brother parked in our hotel's parking lot, I told him to be careful because the car wasn't straight. He retorted, "Yeah, just like you". My mother was in the back seat and heard everything. I hadn't come out yet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized that as a result of working in an office which has an oddly-placed window, the direct sunlight has caused the left side of my face to become significantly darker than the right. Just call me Harvey Dent. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I accidentally pressed the panic button under the register at work. I didn't even know we had a panic button until the cops showed up. FML

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By hopeless - Canada - Halifax

Today, my girlfriend berated me for my "lack of communication skills", all while deeply engrossed with something on her phone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Danville

Today, working night shift at a nursing home, I can tell the difference between the smell of different people's urine. FML

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By analgirl - France - Paris

Today, I found out the only reason my boyfriend asked me out is because he thought I "looked like a girl who'd be into anal". FML

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By ForeverYoung

Today, I got mistaken for a high school freshman. It’s my 23rd birthday. FML

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By katelynm - United States

Today, I pointed out to my boyfriend how Valentine's day, my birthday, and our one-year anniversary were all coming up in the next few weeks. He then promptly broke up with me. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found my boyfriend browsing tablet PCs on the internet. He actually had a tablet until a while ago, but he hardly ever used it. He still has two smartphones, a desktop PC and a laptop he never uses. But yeah, sure, he needs a tablet. Because, "they're cheap." FML

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By snydeeli000 - United States - Kent

Today, I learned the hisses of my 3 cats so I can tell who starts the fights. FML

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By gross - Canada

Today, I was playing my guitar outside my apartment building, and some people had put some money in my guitar case. One guy threw in what I thought was a crumpled piece of paper or something. It was actually a used condom. It leaked all over the money and my case. FML

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By TPelekakis - United States - Kingsport

Today, I lost the 5 pounds I had gained over the last few weeks. I had vowed to do whatever it took to lose that weight, and I actually did, when I caught a horrible stomach bug. I'd eat my words, but I'm pretty sure I'd just end up throwing them up. FML

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By parched - United States

Today, the city shut off the water at my house because my roommate thought that the water bills he had been hoarding were "suggestions." FML

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By caligirl921 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. When I orgasmed, my leg flew out and I accidentally kicked him in the balls. For the next ten minutes, he lay in the fetal position. FML

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By gracie511

Today, my flight was delayed 3 hours so I was scrolling through my phone. Minding my own business, I was swiping through tinder and some guy behind me goes, “Ouch; hard no for that one?” And I turn around only to see the man I JUST swiped left on. FML.

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By anxious spaghetti

Today, I got dumped by my boyfriend over text. We wore each others' hats, so I gave his back and asked for mine. He “accidentally” burned it. FML

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By Karim - France - Aix-en-provence

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my family for the first time. My mother's immediate reaction was, "We didn't know you were gay!" No mom, she really is a girl. FML

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By appleville - United States

Today, a customer at one of my tables left his phone number and a smiley face on the credit card slip. I was completely flattered until I looked at the bottom of the slip and realized that he had left me a $0.26 tip. FML

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By Anonymous

The Gush

Today, I had planned to do a twenty-minute colon cleanse enema for weight loss. Instead, I woke up in the middle of the night with uncontrollable diarrhea that’s still going strong. Eight hours and counting. FML

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By ThankYou! - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I went to meet a guy that i had already started to be involved with at a bar. We laughed, kissed and had a great time, until he admitted he was just doing all of this to make his ex-girlfriend jealous. Guess who was waiting for me outside. FML

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By anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was talking to a cute guy at my house party and had to fart. Luckily, it was silent. Unluckily, he smelled it, thought my house had a gas leak, and ran to the basement to check the pipes and ensure our safety. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/5/2020 23:00

Love is blind

Today, my ex-wife confessed to me that she's in love with my father and broke down crying because he's never approved of her. FML

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By N - United States - Glenwood Springs

Today, I paid 60 dollars for my senior yearbook. They forgot to put me in it. FML

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By Hotdamnthisismyjam - Canada

Today, I went to the bar with some friends. When we walked in, we picked a table at random in the same area as a bunch of older men. The oldest, fattest ugliest man at the table looks me over then stares at my chest. He then starts to motorboat the air in the direction of my boobs. FML

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By sanoria51 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I had to explain to my friend that the hot girl he's been sending nudes to and cybering with for the past month is probably a bored, fat-as-fuck, balding male living in his mum's basement. The look on his face after I proved that "her" pictures were fake broke my heart. FML

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By hot_mess88 - United States

Today, I got called to a biker bar to break up a fight between my parents. FML

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By Anonymous - Greece

Today, I hired an exterminator to get the roaches out of the house I am renting. I came back from work and went to my bathroom, noticing that he used the plunger to unclog the toilet after he took a dump. After $150, there was shit all over my floor and plunger, and roaches still in my kitchen. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I decided it was time to lose our virginity. After our clothes were removed, we spent 30 minutes trying to figure out how to actually have sex, and eventually gave up. FML

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By "clumsycat"

Today, I thought my water had broken. I had actually just peed myself when the baby moved. FML

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By RosaP - Canada

Today, I slept over at a friend's house. We decided to dress up as ninjas and play a trick on her younger brothers, sleeping in the basement. While sneaking down the stairs, in the dark, her mother came home. Thinking I was a robber, she beat me with a lamp. FML

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By bigbro - Australia - Southbank

Today, I was babysitting my 6-year-old brother and was playing Mario. When I won, he called me a cunt. I was in shock and asked him where he learnt the word. He said from me when I was driving. He then told my mum that I taught him a new word. Easy to say, I'm in big trouble. FML

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By Ava

Today, a jobless person felt sympathy for me because I work retail. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - South Sioux City

Today, my teacher marked a test question wrong, even though I was sure I got it right, so I went online to check. I found a government-approved website showing proof that my answer was correct. My teacher still counted it wrong, because, "we follow the book". That book's older than I am. FML

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By Goobie - United States

Today, my father yelled at me for changing 1 of his 2 programable seat positions in his car because he uses both. Apparently, 1 is for sober driving and 2 is for high/drunk driving. Go dad. FML

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By Nator - United States

Today, this guy took me to Denny's on a first date and used a 2 for 1 coupon. It was expired. I paid. FML

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Top comments

By Hiimhaileypotter | 52

#6153318 - Thursday 25 December 2014 0:30

Glad he's your ex. He's clearly an idiot.

By Patriots21 | 14

#6153330 - Thursday 25 December 2014 0:33

And you'll be turning to a restraining order

COMMENTS

By iwanttogotoparis | 26

#6153316 - Thursday 25 December 2014 0:30

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

By Hiimhaileypotter | 52

#6153318 - Thursday 25 December 2014 0:30

Glad he's your ex. He's clearly an idiot.

Reply

dudeman1212 | 22

#6153813 - Thursday 25 December 2014 16:41

He's clearly just using the D.E.N.N.I.S. System from It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia

By Welshite | 39

#6153328 - Thursday 25 December 2014 0:32

Harassment and stalking makes one less of a man than just about anything else. They are called predators for a reason.

Reply

JayGatsby | 25

#6153565 - Thursday 25 December 2014 7:04

I agree. I don't get why he went to such extensive measures, like stalking and harassing her, rather than just talking to her. Even if he already tried that, he could just break up with her.

By Patriots21 | 14

#6153330 - Thursday 25 December 2014 0:33

And you'll be turning to a restraining order

Reply

CoolCookie210 | 22

#6153846 - Thursday 25 December 2014 17:35

Yeah. What the fuck, man?

By americanafrican | 32

#6153331 - Thursday 25 December 2014 0:33

I hope he felt like a man cuz he didn't act like one

By Noah197099 | 17

#6153333 - Thursday 25 December 2014 0:34

What kind of experiment is that?

Reply

Mystery_Unsolved | 16

#6153542 - Thursday 25 December 2014 6:10

A failed one.

By annarcheer | 19

#6153338 - Thursday 25 December 2014 0:35

its sad to say those types of things happen a lot there's some crazy people in this world. sorry op

By T_Young96 | 13

#6153340 - Thursday 25 December 2014 0:37

He sees you when your sleeping, he knows when your awake... ?

Reply

Garrett2818 | 21

#6153650 - Thursday 25 December 2014 12:04

Fuck the down votes 8 I liked your joke.

By fakedsincerity | 32

#6153343 - Thursday 25 December 2014 0:38

Brrr. Stay safe and keep away from people like that.

By speakfreely | 21

#6153344 - Thursday 25 December 2014 0:38

Time for s new boyfriend like who does this

Reply

royal_ranger | 12

#6153376 - Thursday 25 December 2014 1:11

Him, clearly.

Reply

shutupshane12 | 12

#6153598 - Thursday 25 December 2014 8:38

Clearly he's an ex already