Today, my girlfriend told me how I am too occupied with work for our relationship. Before we had sex I told my friend to call me in ten minutes so I can pretend its my boss and I would throw the phone away to impress her. He called me in ten minutes, but I only lasted five. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, when my boyfriend came over he was on his phone. We spent about 15 minutes together before having sex, then he made a phone call and said he had to leave. I could hear him from my window apologising to his coworker because he “just had to do something real quick but was now free to talk again.” FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were getting hot in the bedroom. Her phone rang and she stopped to have an hour long conversation with her ex. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were going to get intimate, so I masturbated before leaving my place, hoping it would help me last longer than usual. 10 minutes in, she shoved me off and started screaming at me, convinced that I've been cheating on her and practising with someone else. FML
Today, my girlfriend said she didn't want to have sex because it takes too long. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were having phone sex when he stopped responding. Five minutes later and ready to hang up, he apologized because he got distracted with his game of Tetris. FML
Today, my girlfriend text me and told me to do something sexy because she was going to FaceTime me. I eagerly dropped my pants and started stroking it to get ready for her. As soon as I opened her call, she was standing with my wife. I literally got caught with my dick in my hand. FML
Today, I woke up to my girlfriend having phone sex less than 10 feet away from me. FML
Today, my girlfriend were having sex. When I finished, she whispered in my ear, "30 seconds." FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were making love. Her phone rang, and she stopped to answer it. It was her ex-boyfriend, calling her from jail. She talked to him for 15 minutes. To top it all off, before she hung up, I heard her tell him she loved him, and couldn't wait for him to get out. FML
Today, my girlfriend called me and asked me if I wanted to have phone sex with her. We got into it. It took us 13 minutes to figure out my mom had been on the other line the whole time. FML
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Top comments
Jimboom 12
Dumbass. Should have had a wank beforehand. Or learn to slow down when you think your about to pop. Pull out, kiss her a little, maybe try some different positions. But if this performance is anything to go by then it's not your work that your girl is annoyed with. It's the lack of ******'s she is having from you.
mich23 10
it might have been smarter to just be like, im going to turn my phone off so that i wont get any business calls, plus you plan could have backfired so much b/c she could have been like "go into work, i was just being selfish" and then you would have to leave
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Comments (103)
sleepless15_p 0
F her life. You are dumb.
Atashi_fml 0
Today, I had sexual intercourse with my boyfriend. He lasted only 3 minutes. Then, we had an argument because he claims that it had been 5. That argument was then interrupted by a call to his cell phone which was stuck in a crack by the bed. He has the worst ringtones ever. FML
fcuk_fml 0
hahahahahah oh my god. no comment. hahahahahah
tmforeignguy 0
5 minutes? That's feeble, even for pure sexual intercourse. And, honestly, what happened to foreplay?
katiekaite 0
#45 um is this your boyfriend ? Hahahahaha
rinaldy 0
ah- a noble effort gone wrong- sorry for u but i still think that is the funniest thing I've heard all day
amykillswitch 0
bhHhHahahah why 10 minutes? why not a more obscure number like 3 or 4.
nikkireese 0
i agree w #36. terrible plan, dude. just hang out with her more; i highly doubt she'd view ur fone ringing and ringing during sex as proof that ur not too occupied w work for ur relationship.
415chick 0
5 minutes? LOL. Glad I'm not your GF! She's probably saying FML after that quickie.
xiloveyoux3 0
Well at least that was really sweet of you to try