Today, I was at my senior dance dancing with this guy I really... - FML

By Anonymous - 21/4/2009 21:52 - United States

Today, I was at my senior dance dancing with this guy I really like. He was telling me how he likes a strong woman who's not afraid to make the first move. Empowered by what he said, I asked him out. He said no because he thinks girls shouldn't ask guys out. FML

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Territorial pissings

This ain't working out

FML every way you look at it

By Anonymous - 9/6/2011 20:32 - United States

Today, I put lemon juice in my hair as a cheap and easy way to get highlights. I left it in my hair and I laid out in the backyard to get some sun. The sunshine wasn't the only thing that found me; it seems every bug in the neighborhood is now hiding in my hair. FML

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By possibly fucked - 22/6/2014 20:34 - Portugal - Lisbon

Today, my wife bought a strap-on. I'm about fifty miles beyond terrified. FML

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By 16isntsweet - 20/8/2009 21:21 - United States

Today, I had my sweet sixteen party. All my best friends came to the microphone to make a little speech. When my boyfriend came to do his, he broke up with me. FML

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By mary - 8/6/2018 05:00

Boundaries please!

Today, my boyfriend threatened to break up with me because I still close the door when I go to the bathroom. He pees and poops with the door wide open and expects me to do the same. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/7/2009 12:44 - United States

Today, I went on a date with a girl. She drove while texting someone then stopped at a house and told me to wait in the car. She left her phone so I looked at the last text and it says "I'm here for the quicky". Our "date" was a decoy to throw her mom off so she could sleep with another guy. FML

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By Jake - 28/9/2010 17:35 - United States

Today, I took a girl I like to the movies. Everything went great until I went in to kiss her. She didn't object, but my mother, who apparently followed me to the theater and was now pulling me away by my shirt while saying, "We're leaving!" certainly did. FML

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By beekie9 - 14/1/2009 14:26 - United States

Today, my mom asked all the old ladies in her church to pray that I meet "someone special". FML

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By Anonwymous - 18/10/2009 10:16 - United Kingdom

Today, I asked my fiancé's daughter to use her phone so I could call mine which I'd misplaced. Busy with homework, she nodded. Only after she jumped up did I notice that she had my number listed with a humiliating nickname, and accompanied by a photo of her middle finger. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/6/2016 17:43 - Meade

Today, I felt cold while driving, so I blasted the heat. The one thing I didn't expect was a load of tiny spiders spilling out of the vents and writhing all over my dash. FML

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By Lilragu97 - 26/7/2012 05:14 - United States - Exeter

Today, I walked into my upstairs bathroom to find my mom's new boyfriend eating soup, naked on the toilet. In shock, I stepped back and fell down a flight of stairs, backwards, and hit my head on wall, leaving a dent in it. FML

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By Brinty - 16/9/2009 02:43 - Australia

Today, I was napping with my boyfriend and his dog. The dog was making odd coughing noises, but my boyfriend refused to kick him out of the bed. A few moments later, I rolled onto my stomach, into a pile of dog vomit. FML

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By kmthomas91 - 11/5/2020 23:00

Stinky

Today, after coming home, my apartment reeked of something fierce. Small animals frequently like to crawl under my apartment since I live next to a wooded area. Apparently, skunks are among those who like to visit, and Febreze isn't helping. FML

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By - 27/12/2019 20:00

Our anniversary

Today, my boyfriend actually remembered our anniversary. Not our anniversary of being together, which he forgot last month, but the anniversary of him getting his first blowjob from me. FML

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By Alexander - 30/5/2010 16:53 - Russian Federation

Today, I found that my cats somehow managed to pull the plug of my fridge out of the socket. Several days ago. Now I have to get rid of a ton of stinking food and clean the stinking fridge. FML

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By can't breathe - 22/11/2010 11:33 - Australia

Today, I was feeling nauseous and my cat was comforting me. I breathed in through my nose, and my cat's fur caused me to sneeze. I sneezed so hard, I threw up out my nose. Nothing will get rid of the smell from within my nasal cavity. FML

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By trees - 24/7/2013 16:44 - United States - Waupaca

Today, I watched one of my neighbor's trees fall into the electrical lines outside my house. This was after he took a chainsaw to the tree. He refuses to cover the damages. FML

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By orangechicken - 16/4/2012 22:00 - United States - New Hudson

Today, I found out that my daughter has been watching Supernatural and The X-Files so she'll fit in better at school. I'm not even angry that she's suddenly a brain-dead conformist, it's just that she now has nightmares all the time and insists on sleeping in my bed. She's a kicker. FML

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By thanksforallyoursupportmomanddad - 10/11/2015 20:46 - United States - Arlington

Today, I overheard my parents talking about my husband. Apparently, they think he's a nice guy and all, but they don't really see him as "husband material." They think I would have been better off with my ex, who doesn't have a job and hurt me both physically and mentally. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2015 11:28 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend I had to go out and that I'd be back later. He asked where I was going. "To see my other boyfriend," I chuckled, smiling. He took it seriously and wouldn't believe it was just a joke. I'm pretty sure I'm now single. FML

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By birthdayboy - 19/6/2019 16:22

Today, it was my birthday. My only birthday present was a cake that my dad bought from Walmart. Well, it sure looked tasty. The only problem: it had nuts on it. Guess what I'm highly allergic too? At least my dad told me he'd "tell me how it tastes." FML

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By angryman - 28/12/2015 09:07

Today, I was playing what became an extremely intense game of hide-and-seek with my best friend's sister. I finally found the perfect place, so I slid down into the bath and began to cover myself. She popped up out of nowhere and said, "FOUND YOU!" I got so scared that I punched her in the face. FML

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By a816090 - 26/9/2019 16:00

Family portrait

Today, my boyfriend sent a picture of me posing with our dog to his family via a group text. Along with our 25" bong. FML

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By notfromanisland - 4/12/2015 05:41

Today, through a mutual friend I met with a girl from Netherlands for dinner. At some point, she told me I have an Antillean accent, referring to the Dutch Antilles. I was born and raised nowhere near those islands, but my former boyfriend of 5 years is Antillean. Now I have his accent. FML

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By ollierocks96 - 17/12/2009 21:43 - United States

Today, I was eating lunch out side with my friends, when a spider fell on one guy's back. I glanced at it and opened my mouth to warn him when another guy flicked it and it went into my mouth. I can still taste it. FML

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By period pains - 22/8/2015 10:47 - United Kingdom - Nottingham

Today, my period started again. I just finished a 17-day period 3 days ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/6/2011 22:36 - United States

Today, I was lying in bed with my cat. I must have looked at him the wrong way or something, because he hissed and savagely clawed at my face without warning. FML

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By drewcaver - 12/4/2015 19:49 - United States - Houston

Today, a little girl from my Sunday School class approached me and told me she had a stomach ache. She seemed very upset and her face was discolored so I took her to the nurse. While we were walking out the door, I looked down and saw a half-eaten crayon on the floor. That'll do it. FML

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By skunkcat - 11/3/2020 21:00 - United States

Smelly business

Today, I was drunk in a hotel lobby with some of my cousins. I went out on the patio to get some fresh air when I saw a black cat in the bushes. I went straight over to it and started to pet it. I realized too late that the black cat was actually a skunk. FML

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By perfecttiming - 6/5/2013 15:25 - United States - San Jose

Today, my manager called me in to tell me I got the promotion I've been hoping for. He then said that since I didn't look excited about it he might have to rethink it. I was too busy concentrating on holding in diarrhea. FML

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By trainE - 30/3/2009 02:08 - United States

Today, I was masturbating in my room when my dog started to bark obnoxiously. He does this all the time so I ignored it and kept going. This went on for about a half hour. When I went downstairs, I found an open door and an empty TV stand. FML

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By mouseart - 3/11/2016 14:51

Today, I work as an assistant to a sculptor. We finished all our projects early so his wife decided to have me clean their kitchen. I wasn't paying attention and picked up a dead mouse. I screamed and threw it away as hard as I could. It hit their five-year-old son in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/12/2010 15:12 - United States

Today, I met up with an old high school friend who I used to make fun of because he put so much effort into his studies. Turns out he makes my annual salary in a month. FML

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By mikej1985 - 20/3/2009 17:11 - Canada

Today, I got to my underground parking garage at work and saw my boss pulling into a spot. I thought I would show him my reverse parking skills and decided to park beside him. As I was pulling in he opened his door to get out and I smashed into it, nearly running him over. FML

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By Kyrie - 14/9/2017 20:00

Today, I came down in the morning to find that my fridge died, leaving water and meat juice all over the floor. My town only has garbage pickup every other week and the last was yesterday. We're expecting a heat wave this week. FML

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By imalwaystired - 21/1/2010 20:20 - France

Today, I opened the cabinet to take a pill for my headache. After taking the pill, I turned around and smashed my head on the open cabinet door. FML

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By Ana - 14/8/2018 01:30

Today, while fighting with a girl I hate, my nose piercing got a little loose and I ended up snorting it in. That same girl had to take me to the hospital for surgery. She told everyone afterwards. FML

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By kdgirl - 21/9/2010 03:02 - United States

Today, my Grandmother gave me rosary beads for my birthday. She told me I better start praying for a husband. FML

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By crystalpistol - 16/8/2010 02:15 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, right after I turned down an amazing job opportunity in another location, just so I could be with him. FML

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By Almostlovedchild - 20/1/2017 18:00

Today, my father made a post on Facebook with an old baby picture, saying how proud he was that I got into college. This would have been sweet if the baby picture was actually of me. FML

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By Bullocks - 27/4/2012 05:49 - United States - Rochester

Today, while I was at work in a machine shop, I cut myself really bad. Not by any sharp tools, drills, or metals I work with. Just the soap dispenser. FML

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Top comments

By littlemuffet | 0

#132188 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 10:00

That doesn't even make sense.

By AndrewPao32 | 0

#132218 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 10:15

He wanted to fuck...not to go on a date.

COMMENTS

By infiniheart | 0

#132171 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 9:48

haha wtf...that sucks
..
.
first

Reply

Stiggy626 | 25

#6541065 - Saturday 20 February 2016 10:25

he meant, "try and kiss me." What's not to get?

By infiniheart | 0

#132172 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 9:53

wow. wtf...that sucks
....
..
.
first :)

By papertigers_fml | 0

#132177 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 9:52

wat

By justanarmyguy | 0

#132178 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 9:56

he's a keeper

By papertigers_fml | 0

#132182 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 9:56

wat

By littlemuffet | 0

#132188 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 10:00

That doesn't even make sense.

Reply

EmperorPsycho | 0

#2764024 - Sunday 26 June 2011 19:00

ehh... Texas people

Reply

Okinawa95 | 2

#2831636 - Wednesday 6 July 2011 18:34

^ Agreed.

Reply

stephan18 | 23

#4902893 - Thursday 6 September 2012 18:31

If she would have offered a blow job he would of said yes, he was just an asshole :s

Reply

AlphaPrice | 7

#5226884 - Saturday 8 December 2012 16:24

Texans are awesome people. This is just one slight exception

Reply

Vaati_fml | 20

#5488207 - Sunday 12 May 2013 2:32

It really doesn't.

By KeithHarris | 0

#132198 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 10:05

That's so hillarious! That's such a dickface move. Well look on the bright side. He shut you down for your confidence not for your butt fat and love handles. lol jk.

By Fenali | 0

#132201 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 10:05

#6 That's the point.

By mutant_zebra | 0

#132212 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 10:11

lol.

By FoundManyLemons | 0

#132214 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 10:14

Psyco....

Reply

Stiggy626 | 25

#6541068 - Saturday 20 February 2016 10:27

psycho*