Love: Today, my girlfriend of one month and I had an amazing night... - FML

14/02/2009 17:35 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend of one month and I had an amazing night of dinner and dancing, but when I leaned in to kiss her, she said, "You're joking right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 378

You deserved it 3 997

Best teeth in the game

Stop talking!

Are you sure you're OK?

25/04/2017 20:00

Today, while brushing my teeth, I applied the toothpaste to my toothbrush when a few bristles got caught on the lip of the tube and flung a glob of toothpaste into my eye. My eye is now bloodshot, but at least it's minty fresh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 071

You deserved it 365

15/03/2015 18:40 - United States - Charleston

Today, a guy beat the crap out of me for supposedly sleeping with his girlfriend. I didn't get a chance to tell him my brother lives with me and that he had the wrong guy. When my brother got home, he didn't ask if I was okay, but rather if the guy was coming back for him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 765

You deserved it 2 713

30/09/2012 19:00 - Australia

Today, I started working my crappy, minimum-wage retail job at a local electronics store. An hour into my shift, my boss sent me to scrub out a discount bin, after some drunk cunt in his teens staggered into the place yelling, and puked his guts into it. What a life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 379

You deserved it 2 548

Snoopy

By Anonymous - 03/11/2009 14:04 - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny to go on my boyfriend's Facebook to change his status. While in the process, his account received a message. Turns out he's planning on hooking up with his ex-girlfriend/one of my friends and is definitely over me. How's that for snooping around? FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 264

You deserved it 36 907

17/02/2016 12:32 - Netherlands

Today, my now ex-boyfriend told me that I was the one. Not at this moment though, he wants to see how far he can go with his best female friend. But once he's done with her, we can be together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 305

You deserved it 1 876

23/03/2016 16:06 - United States - Bellevue

Today, an old guy with a cane got up in my face for "mocking" the way he walked. In retrospect, I guess it is pretty offensive for me to have had knee surgery and still be recovering from it. My apologies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 395

You deserved it 1 410

26/06/2014 15:11 - United States - Aurora

Today, someone stole my laptop from my car. However, they were nice enough to relock the doors after they smashed in the window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 964

You deserved it 6 079

02/12/2016 03:54 - United States

Today, I took a test. I got up to turn it in, and accidentally bumped into another student. We both whispered, "Sorry." Our teacher promptly gave us detention and a 0% on the test for talking. Sorry for being sorry? FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 018

You deserved it 734

15/09/2017 17:00

Today, the first day of school, I threw up on my teacher in the middle of class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 298

You deserved it 270

31/12/2014 18:12 - Australia

Today, I went on a date. After we finished our meal, I had to use the bathroom really bad. When I said so, my date totally lost it and accused me of planning on climbing out a window and ditching her. "Fuck that and fuck you!" she said, then stormed out, leaving me with the bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 383

You deserved it 2 926

24/04/2011 23:49 - United States

Today, while skiing on Mammoth Mountain, a man dressed in an Easter Bunny costume snowboarded into me and sent me flying. Not only did he hurt my wrist, he also threw an Easter egg at me, yelled "Happy Easter", and snowboarded away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 980

You deserved it 4 310

Freak Scene

By antsgomarching - 06/10/2020 17:01

Today, I was sleeping in my bed when I felt an itch on my arm. Then another. Then another. I finally looked to see what was going on, only to find a bunch of ants crawling in my bed. They were somehow getting in through the closed window. Guess I’m done sleeping tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 175

You deserved it 85

Kids is hard work

By Anonymous - 27/09/2021 22:59

Today, I told my husband I wanted to make him happy by giving him a baby. He told me either I can make him happy, or I can give him a baby, but I can’t do both. FML

I agree, your life sucks 419

You deserved it 701

02/01/2015 05:37 - United States - Saline

Today, my sister compared me handling the news of recently being told that I have a devastating and very possibly fatal autoimmune disease, to that of a teenager being melodramatic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 022

You deserved it 2 816

Dad priorities

By hellishome - 29/09/2019 00:01

Today, as he was going out, I asked my father if he stop by the store and buy some tampons for me and toilet paper for the house, because we have been out for the last 5 days. He came home with a 30-pack of beer and cigarettes instead. I just started my time of the month and we have no more money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 220

You deserved it 167

19/10/2011 05:38 - United Kingdom

Today, at work, I misheard a customer telling me a story. To be polite, I did a slight laugh and nodded my head. She actually told me her mum had died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 093

You deserved it 22 046

23/10/2009 08:56 - Canada

Today, at work, I was standing at the till helping an attractive man. I have a cold and could feel the snot bubbling up. He orders and we flirt for a bit. Just as I'm about to hand him his product, I sneeze quite loudly and forcefully all over his face. Guess I won't be getting that number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 360

You deserved it 8 520

07/06/2009 19:14 - United States

Spicy

Today, in an effort to seduce my husband, I laid in bed caressing myself. He walked in, looked at me, and said, "Is the ground beef in the freezer still good?" When I answered yes, he turned and walked out of the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 959

You deserved it 6 757

Assumptions

By Anonymous - 13/06/2020 08:08

Today, a salesman came to the door and I assumed the guy was peddling solar stuff. Before the poor guy had a chance to say anything, I blurted out, "We don't need any, we only spend $80 on electricity in the summer." He pointed to his shirt and replied, "I'm an exterminator." I then tried to awkwardly apologize. FML

I agree, your life sucks 607

You deserved it 1 573

10/07/2012 03:40 - United States - Hillsborough

Today, I told my boyfriend that I was going to stop drinking, since I have been having some problems with alcohol and some of my relatives are alcoholics. He later broke up with me, saying he couldn't be with someone who "chose to be boring." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 950

You deserved it 3 395

28/09/2009 18:25 - United States

Today, I awoke in bed with my boyfriend and his dog. After some pushing and prodding, I thought my boyfriend was trying to move the dog out of the way to cuddle with me. It turns out, he was moving the dog closer to him. My boyfriend would rather spoon with his dog than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 929

You deserved it 6 661

09/04/2015 15:10 - United States

Today, I got a 'Good Morning' text from my boyfriend. Since I hadn't gotten one of those in a while, I thought it was rather nice. That is, until I saw the picture that accompanied it. It was of him, sitting on the toilet and taking a shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 585

You deserved it 3 852

10/08/2012 13:58 - United States - Denver

Today, I finished my first two weeks as an ice cream truck driver. Now I can't get that annoying ice cream truck music out of my head. It's even in my dreams. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 920

You deserved it 4 319

Denied!

By Hystcheria - 25/07/2021 02:01 - United States - Fredericksburg

Spicy

Today, I told my long-distance boyfriend that I'd like to throw my legs over my head and have him cram his dick deep inside me. He told me to order a pizza, "It'd be more fun." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 016

You deserved it 183

08/01/2013 17:10 - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, I took my grandma to what I thought was a nice movie. An actor used the word "cunt", which prompted her to ask what that word meant in a loud "whisper". She followed up even more loudly with, "Does that mean pussy?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 771

You deserved it 4 830

17/12/2010 13:13 - Australia

Today, I took out my ear cartilage piercing. With my comb. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 042

You deserved it 10 100

24/07/2018 15:00

Today, my roommate told me that I have to find a new place to live because I make his new girlfriend uncomfortable. I just had surgery and am bedridden. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 636

You deserved it 163

15/01/2010 19:37 - Israel

Today, I went to an amusement park with my family. A couple of cute girls started talking to me, telling me how much they liked my dreads. Seeing this, my mother stepped up next to me, patted me on the shoulder, and said, "This here is my little baby, treat him nicely!" Thanks, Mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 746

You deserved it 4 568

15/02/2009 15:29 - Canada

Today, I was playing musical chairs at a family reunion. It's a well known fact that I'm competitive and tend to hip check people to get that last chair. It came down to me and The Nana. I won. The Nana has a broken hip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 449

You deserved it 72 966

26/10/2011 18:35 - United States

Today, there was no toilet paper left, so I asked my grandmother if I could use her Kleenex tissues. I found out too late that they were Vicks vapor rub tissues. My crotch has been burning for the last half hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 295

You deserved it 7 585

10/07/2014 13:34 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, my fiancée has been saying, "Shit's gone cray-cray" for over a week. I finally snapped. When I was done ranting, she murmured, "Baby, don't be cray-cray". FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 142

You deserved it 9 067

It's alive!

By Anonymous - 29/10/2009 01:09 - United States

Today, I decided I'd take a nap in my car because I got to work very early. As I was waking up from my nap, I saw a cop looking right at me. Turns out, a lady who'd parked her car right next to mine after I was asleep had called the cops on me because she thought I was dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 565

You deserved it 4 342

23/05/2014 19:32 - United Kingdom

Today, my 5-year-old son woke up early and ran into my bedroom to wake me up. Unfortunately, he did this by jumping onto my bed, slamming his knee into my balls in the process. I had to explain my tears of agony away by claiming I was just so happy to see him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 135

You deserved it 4 714

04/05/2011 11:51 - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me how women could urinate with a tampon in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 903

You deserved it 8 203

Troublemaker

By RIP - 08/11/2019 08:00 - United States - Lambertville

Today at 10:00 pm, someone rang my doorbell 4 times, while I was sleeping. I thought it was an emergency and I opened the door to my neighbor who just want to ask if I had a blackout at noon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 764

You deserved it 134

20/12/2011 11:49 - Mauritius

Today, I heard someone calling my name. It was my neighbor. Turns out they named their dogs after my mother, my sister and me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 747

You deserved it 3 515

Whatcha doin' up there?

By That1FamousWRX - 07/02/2021 05:01 - United States

Today, I went to pull a nose hair out, only to end up pulling a spider out by its legs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 153

You deserved it 82

02/10/2013 12:43 - United States - Conway

Today, I was on a dinner date with a guy I really like. I guess I was on my phone too much because halfway through the date he sent me a text saying how much my half of the bill would be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 661

You deserved it 124 034

11/10/2009 02:59 - United States

Today, my dad had something to tell me. He'd cleaned out my bank account to pay off 38,000 dollars worth of gambling debt. My wedding is in 5 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 924

You deserved it 4 088

08/08/2016 04:01 - United States - Hollywood

Today I went to my sleep therapist; I sleep 8 hours a night, but I'm still very tired during the day. I'm divorced, so we decided that I would record myself sleeping to see if I might be snoring. We listened to the tape. Not only was I snoring very loudly, I cry all night in my sleep. FM

I agree, your life sucks 18 350

You deserved it 1 039

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Saturday 14 February 2009 20:00

Yeah, get out of there. Even if she isn't using you, "You're joking right?" isn't the response she should have to you trying to kiss her after a month of dating and a wonderful night. "Boyfriends kissing their girlfriends at the end of a date? Why that's preposterous!"

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Saturday 14 February 2009 20:25

If she isn't SUPER religious, then dump her, because she is just using you. If she is super religious, keep waiting if you really like her.

Comments

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Saturday 14 February 2009 19:31

that's how some women are ... need to be patient

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Sunday 18 July 2010 12:01

lmaooooo she sounds great.

FatherofTime87 18

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Thursday 27 March 2014 15:08

Screw that

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Saturday 14 February 2009 20:00

Yeah, get out of there. Even if she isn't using you, "You're joking right?" isn't the response she should have to you trying to kiss her after a month of dating and a wonderful night. "Boyfriends kissing their girlfriends at the end of a date? Why that's preposterous!"

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Sunday 2 May 2010 4:59

lol x2

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Saturday 14 February 2009 20:14

That's what you get for dating a fundamentalist Christian (I'm assuming).

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Saturday 14 February 2009 20:25

If she isn't SUPER religious, then dump her, because she is just using you. If she is super religious, keep waiting if you really like her.

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Saturday 14 February 2009 20:47

Are you buying her stuff? Like expensive stuff? Or taking her to expensive places? If so, and you haven't touched her, then you're being used. I'd say dump her before you waste all your money.

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Saturday 14 February 2009 21:26

To add on to #8 If she isn't super religious, dump her because she's using you. If she is super religious, dump her because she's super religious.

lwjv 0

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Saturday 14 February 2009 21:31

Nope. Even the people who are saying she is super religious, still dump her. She doesn't like you man, move on.

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Saturday 14 February 2009 22:40

are you sure she is your gf?

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Saturday 14 February 2009 23:34

To add to all of this: Make sure she knows you feel dejected dude, if she does nothing about it, move on

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Sunday 15 February 2009 0:18

Ouch, I'd break up with her.

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51

You deserved it 6

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 112

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend came out as a polyamorous, and then immediately asked me if he could date another guy I thought was my friend. I’m such a pushover, I said yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73

You deserved it 200

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 588

You deserved it 69