Miscellaneous: Today, in the magazine section of a bookstore, an old dude asked... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 93

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00

Spicy

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 135

You deserved it 15

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 478

You deserved it 126

06/02/2015 05:18

Today, in the magazine section of a bookstore, an old dude asked me politely to grab something that he couldn't reach. I did so with a smile, touched by his "nice old guy" demeanour, only glancing at the item in question as I handed it to him. It was a porn mag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 442

You deserved it 54

Empathy lives

BO Central

Hiding from the drama

26/12/2014 21:03

Today, my obsessive stalker of an ex found my girlfriend on Facebook and sent her a message saying just ":)". For some reason I'll never understand, she took this as a sign that I'd just slept with my ex. Now I'm single, and my ex is probably planning her next move. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 319

You deserved it 2 786

05/12/2009 19:14

Today, my girlfriend of two months broke up with me because she said I remind her too much of her first boyfriend and it creeps her out. I've checked with all of her friends and family. I am her first boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 663

You deserved it 3 245

22/01/2012 17:57

Today, I woke up to the sound of a Suburban crashing through my fence and striking the tree in my front yard. After filling out the police report, the driver repeatedly asked me to give him a lift to work. He seemed confused by my speechlessness. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 501

You deserved it 2 367

27/07/2010 18:44

Today, I realized every time I go to take a poop, my 9 month old crawls into the bathroom and sobs at my feet. I now have to let my 9 month old sit on my lap while I shit, because I can't do it any other way. The end to all privacy has now come. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 698

You deserved it 10 372

Cats are Satan's Minions

By I don't trust them. - 02/07/2017 18:00

Today, I learned that our cats love to knock over glasses and cups, particularly if they have liquid in them. The latest victim of their antics? My expensive computer keyboard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 145

You deserved it 964

13/12/2009 01:29

Today, I asked my kids how much they loved me. My seven year old responded, 'I'll love you forever mummy.' My sixteen year old responded, 'Can you wind down the window, I just farted.' FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 158

You deserved it 13 768

11/06/2015 00:13

Today, my neighbor came over to borrow my lawnmower. As I have previously loaned it to him and he returned it broken, I refused. He then promptly ate the strawberries off my daughter's small strawberry plant and stormed off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 576

You deserved it 1 961

10/04/2011 00:58

Today, my dog was barking at a squirrel in the yard. I opened the door to let him chase the squirrel. I went to look at the dead squirrel and found out it was the neighbor's chihuahua. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 658

You deserved it 41 629

20/12/2009 02:40

Today, I found a pair of glasses in my car. I don't wear glasses, and nobody besides myself has been in my car lately. It appears that someone has been sleeping in my car and forgot their glasses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 358

You deserved it 3 329

15/10/2010 00:25

Today, as I put my 4 year old daughter in the car seat, she dropped her crayon. She then paused and matter-of-factly said, "Mommy, I don't say 'f***' anymore when I drop things." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 052

You deserved it 9 170

05/12/2016 20:08

Today, I was driving in a busy area looking for a place to park. I happened to lock eyes with a really handsome man who was walking alongside the road. He approached my car with a huge, gorgeous smile, and as I rolled my window down he asked, "Are you my Uber?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 546

You deserved it 948

But I'm a man

By moneyman - 05/01/2020 20:00

Today, I went on a date with a beautiful woman I had recently met. Great food, great conversation, and a great connection. That is, until she revealed that she is a lesbian. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 052

You deserved it 323

25/02/2015 21:39

Spicy

Today, I had sex with my boyfriend. In the middle of it, he started saying in deep voice, "Enter, exit." Over and over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 562

You deserved it 4 403

29/10/2010 23:53

Today, I sent the girl I like a Twinkie with a note saying "Enjoy! You deserve it". I found out later through an angry email that someone had written "you damn fatty" on the end of the note. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 101

You deserved it 6 878

21/05/2012 22:38

Today, I photoshopped a picture for my Facebook profile so my stomach would look a little flatter. I came back later, only to find someone had said, "What in God's name is this? Is your belly duck-facing?" and half a dozen other insults. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 206

You deserved it 43 659

Gummy

By speechless - 02/11/2010 17:20

Today, I had a toothache and applied some numbing gel to soothe the pain. Too much came out and made my whole mouth numb. A man came into my work, thought I was making fun of his lisp, and stormed out really upset. He later called to complain about me. The boss just called me to his office. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 870

You deserved it 3 733

01/02/2015 18:13

Today, after getting home from being in the field for a week, my wife who's a nurse, convinced me I had a spider bite on my penis. After rushing to the ER and standing nude in a cold exam room while the ER staff checked me out, I learned it's just an ingrown hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 673

You deserved it 2 952

Right in the snowglobes

By Anonymous - 29/09/2020 13:02

Today, my sister kicked me in the balls just before I went into the bathroom, as she wanted to use the shower first. Later, when I came out of the bathroom, she kneed me this time in the same spot because apparently I always make a mess in the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 121

You deserved it 156

10/01/2009 05:39

Today, my alarm went off. I snoozed it, and went on to dream that I got out of bed, did my business, brushed my teeth, took my breakfast, changed into my working attire, and was ready for work that morning. My alarm rang a second time, I had to do all that over again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 542

You deserved it 4 372

Stacy's mom…

By Anonymous - 24/06/2011 17:00

Today, my mom decided to do something new and borrowed some of my clothes. She's currently wearing a very small pair of short shorts and a very tight tank top. We're going to a very prestigious golf course and she won't change. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 194

You deserved it 4 958

21/10/2010 14:48

Today, I was walking down my very steep basement stairs when I fell and rolled all the way down but luckily I didn't hurt anything. While walking back up around the very last stair, my cat jumped out on me, causing me to roll all the way back down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 244

You deserved it 3 989

25/05/2011 13:55

Today, my boss and I were preparing a lunch order for a nearby real-estate agency. I noticed that the order was riddled with spelling mistakes, so I laughed and mocked the realtors calling them stupid and incompetent. My boss then pointed out that the order was written in his handwriting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 907

You deserved it 40 734

30/05/2011 14:59

Today, my only motivation to get out of bed was cupcakes in the refrigerator. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 593

You deserved it 16 542

16/10/2017 16:00

Today, I realized that my work life is far less stressful than my home life. I'm a cop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 516

You deserved it 286

10/09/2011 07:11

Today, I realized too late that a picture in my school Powerpoint presentation of thousands of New Zealand sheep, was actually a picture of thousands of naked men in a field. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 627

You deserved it 35 770

30/01/2009 18:18

Today, I was woken up by my roommates cat meowing so loudly at her door, wanting in. Suddenly it stopped. I was just falling back into sleep when I rolled over and the cat was right there beside my head. Meowing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 713

You deserved it 3 025

Judgmental much!?

By Stairway2Heaven - 02/03/2009 21:03

Today, I came home to find that my room had been ransacked. My mom comes out of nowhere and says that we need to have a talk. I freaked out thinking it was all the empty alcohol bottles under my bed. My mom holds up the birth control and says, "I always knew you were a whore." FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 558

You deserved it 19 407

27/02/2013 07:12

Today, I realised the extent of my wife's cat obsession when I received an $850 bill for the air conditioner she leaves on for our 5 cats while we are at work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 716

You deserved it 4 283

28/07/2014 20:47

Today, while working an early shift, I was dressing a wound on a gorgeous guy, when he laughed and pointed out some granny panties next to me on the floor. I guess I forgot to take yesterday's underwear out of my pants before putting them back on this morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 253

You deserved it 10 130

Working for the weekend

By Anonymous - 14/04/2021 08:00

Today, I started my first 3-day weekend in over a month after asking for one. I also start the neverending diarrhea and vomit spiral because my stomach can’t handle a little spice. So much for a relaxing 3-day weekend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 772

You deserved it 124

24/02/2010 05:47

Today, while visiting my in-laws, I went into their home office in search of a sheet of scrap paper. Instead, I found printed copies of every email and IM my husband and I had ever sent each other, including pictures. Highlighted and annotated by his mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 190

You deserved it 2 167

18/10/2010 11:48

Spicy

Today, finishing up in the shower room, I walked into the kitchen to get a drink. Apparently both bathrooms were occupied and my grandmother really had to go... She was bent over in the kitchen peeing into a cup. I may never be able to erase this image. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 732

You deserved it 2 690

29/09/2009 11:31

Today, I went to eat with my girlfriend, her parents and my mother. My mother complained about every aspect of the service. When I told her she needed to assert herself, she took her pocketbook and hit me over the head. The whole restaurant stared at us while she yelled "Is that assertive enough?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 373

You deserved it 6 253

02/06/2019 00:02

Today, I started working at an extremely prestigious bank. In the first five minutes of being there, the boss had me do his laundry at a Laundromat, and when I actually tried to work, he kept showing me some magic tricks. Later on, he fired me for HIS mistake of giving an extra $400 to a customer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 141

You deserved it 126

11/01/2009 14:33

Today, at the age of 22 I started eating my boogers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 556

You deserved it 49 277

09/03/2010 08:57

Today, my roommate confronted me about my eating disorder. She described in length how emaciated my chest has become and how she wants to help. Except I don't have an eating disorder. My sternum is deformed and I have only recently become confident enough to wear low-cut tops. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 528

You deserved it 2 622

02/11/2018 14:00

Today, my mom decided she wants to try a new family bonding experiment: Being naked around the house for an entire week. She wants us all to eat dinner, watch tv, etc. completely naked. She says she will ground me and my siblings if we don't try it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 105

You deserved it 238

The road to Hell is paved with good intentions

By Anonymous - 22/04/2017 23:00

Today, my best female friend got dumped. Seeing how I was alone when I got dumped, I didn't want her to feel the same, so I was nice to her and tried to help her as much as I could. I've now been getting constant messages from our mutual friends, telling me to stop hitting on her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 904

You deserved it 502

17/04/2009 18:43

Today, I finally got some sleep after an exterminator came yesterday and took care of our roach problem. I woke up and kissed my boyfriend good morning. Frowning, he told me I had something stuck on the corner of my mouth. It was a roach leg. Where is the rest of the roach? FML

I agree, your life sucks 97 095

You deserved it 4 661

09/12/2009 16:31

Today, I received a private message on Facebook, from a woman I've never heard of, subject: "Eric X's wife says HI." She goes on to say that she is going to find me, and ruin my life the way I have ruined hers. I've never even heard of Eric X and am happily engaged. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 233

You deserved it 2 442

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Top comments

RabbitOfAurora 28

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Friday 6 February 2015 11:50

Hey, old people need porn just like everyone else.

Cass_x 22

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Friday 6 February 2015 11:51

Well who cares? If they sell it, people are gonna buy it. Let the old man have some fun.

Comments

RabbitOfAurora 28

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Friday 6 February 2015 11:50

Hey, old people need porn just like everyone else.

patrickalamo 47

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Saturday 7 February 2015 17:27

Need is a strong word...

LikeYouGiveAShit 27

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Sunday 8 February 2015 21:38

That's why 1 used it.

Jasim 17

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Friday 6 February 2015 11:51

Hey, a good deed is a good deed.

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Thursday 19 February 2015 5:30

seriously?

Cass_x 22

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Friday 6 February 2015 11:51

Well who cares? If they sell it, people are gonna buy it. Let the old man have some fun.

Exodiafinder687 58

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Friday 6 February 2015 11:53

Hey, just because there's snow on the roof doesn't mean that he doesn't need to rub one out every now and then...........at least I think that's how that saying goes.

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Wednesday 11 February 2015 5:07

Eh close enough

camerongrace92 9

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Friday 6 February 2015 11:54

let the ol man have his fun. when I'm 80 I'm still gonna buy porn.

RabbitOfAurora 28

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Friday 6 February 2015 11:56

I don't know about buying it, I'll definitely still be looking at it though.

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Friday 6 February 2015 11:55

You are complaining because and old gentleman politely asked you a favor? People that buy porn can't be polite? Is that why you felt awkward?

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Sunday 1 March 2015 7:30

Idk about you but I would feel pretty awkward if I saw an old man buying porn magazines.

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Tuesday 14 July 2015 13:50

old people are still people, they can and will buy porn if they feel like it.

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Friday 6 February 2015 12:00

I don't see how this is an FML for you considering it doesn't directly affect you. But if you're going to judge the old man for reading porn then YDI.

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Friday 6 February 2015 12:02

The item he asked you to grab could've been way worse. Be glad he chose to use the magazine.

albertozeta_fml 9

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Friday 6 February 2015 12:08

Ah, the dear old school. Nowadays young men have internet and the only thing they have to grab is... the mouse!

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Friday 6 February 2015 17:26

That's not the only thing they grab

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Friday 6 February 2015 12:09

perhaps he wanted to destroy it, to rid the world of porn in a small way? nah. old men have desires as well, OP.