Today, in the magazine section of a bookstore, an old dude asked... - FML

Today, in the magazine section of a bookstore, an old dude asked me politely to grab something that he couldn't reach. I did so with a smile, touched by his "nice old guy" demeanour, only glancing at the item in question as I handed it to him. It was a porn mag. FML

By Alan - 6/2/2015 10:48

Gib's illustrated FML

Hell is full of a certain type of person. The people who eat boiled eggs on trains. The people who cut their finger and toenails on...

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By beurk / Friday 6 February 2015 05:18 / France

Family values

All in the family

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

By quickfingers100 - 22/7/2011 13:38 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend put a paper bag over my head while we had sex. Her reason? Because she thinks she is so good in bed she was worried I'd hyperventilate due to all the excitement. Instead I fainted due to lack of oxygen after three minutes. FML

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By randomgirl - 7/1/2012 14:12 - United Kingdom

Today, I accidentally called my teacher "Babe". FML

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By Melie-Melo - 16/12/2008 07:55 - United Kingdom

Today, after repairing the toilet, the light, the shower, the cooker and the heater in the flat I've just moved into, my boiler dies. It's mid December, about 1 degree outside. FML

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By "Lennie Mcfish" - 30/12/2019 02:00

Today, my girlfriend got mad at me. Why do you ask? She caught me masturbating even though she previously told me she won't have sex with until she's married. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2016 20:58 - United States - Hayward

Today, my uncle asked me to act as a bodyguard in a video he was making. I put on the shades and suit while he was saying his message to the camera. I was laughing so hard internally that I ended up farting so loud throughout the entire video. We had to shoot the video five times. FML

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By Ticketshame - 8/5/2019 08:00

Today, I got pulled over for talking on my phone while driving. I'd lost my phone the day before. He didn’t believe me. So, I got a ticket for talking on a phone I can’t even find. FML

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By footinmouth - 13/9/2009 05:14 - United States

Today, I went to a restaurant with some friends. I noticed a very cute waitress about my age, so I walked over to her and asked if she had a boyfriend. The extremely fit, attractive waiter standing next to her immediately turned, held out his hand and goes, "Yeah. Meet me." FML

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By Dr.Octopus454 - 7/10/2011 14:58 - United Kingdom

Today, working as a life guard, I walked through the changing room to go back to the pool. On the way, a naked old man started up a conversation with me. We talked for 10 minutes about pool chemicals, while his penis wobbled around with every small movement. This happens all the time. FML

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By birdsterrifyme - 23/3/2015 04:42 - United States - Sikeston

Today, I decided to confront my fear of birds when my friend's pet bird was walking up to me. He got on my arm, climbed up and attacked my face. FML

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By hurts.to.pee - 19/1/2012 05:14 - United States

Today, I explained to my dad that I think I have a vaginal infection. I asked if he could take me to the doctor. He responded by saying, "Just shove some ice up there. It'll go away." FML

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By Anonymous - 6/4/2012 16:58 - United States - Deerfield Beach

Today, I woke up with a splitting headache. I have no idea what happened the night before, except for the fact that I'd tucked two uncapped vodka bottles into bed beside me, and now my room reeks of a Russian sorority house. FML

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By HelpMe - 25/2/2014 09:59 - United Kingdom - Galashiels

Today, my mum asked me how the guinea pig was doing. We don't have a guinea pig. Turns out she had volunteered me to look after the next door neighbor's guinea pig when they were away and 'forgot' to tell me. They have been gone two weeks. FML

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By blindsparrow - 18/11/2014 05:35 - United States - Dublin

Today, I went out to get milk from the garage fridge for my mom. The moment I stepped out, my foot settled on the neighbor's boa, who likes to escape. After my mom finally opened the door to my frantic shouting, she spotted the snake, slammed the door, and locked both of us outside. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/2/2017 04:00

Today, I met my teacher after school to talk about a paper on which he gave me a low grade. I told him that I felt it was wrongly graded and he agreed. He lowered my score. FML

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By jmac - 11/3/2012 03:06 - United States

Today, I dropped a knife while cooking. Luckily it missed my foot, but only because it hit my knee. FML

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By weddingbells - 25/1/2010 01:02 - United States

Today, my parents had a huge fight because my mom found out my dad was cheating on her. They screamed for half an hour. Right in the middle of my wedding. FML

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By disciplinaryaction - 21/11/2011 07:02 - United States

Today, a woman and her daughter came into the store I work at. The girl placed a pair of underpants on the counter, and confessed she had stolen them earlier. Assuming she had already heard a lecture, I simply thanked her for bringing them back. Her mom yelled at me for not yelling at her. FML

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By paperbagofdoom - 29/5/2009 05:20 - United States

Today, while working at a certain California theme park in full costume, I was approached by a kid in line, who looked at me and exclaimed, "Hey look, its Indiana Jones!" which felt pretty amazing. His sister, who was maybe seven years old, glanced over at me and said, "No, he's way too fat." FML

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By innocentbarista - 17/3/2013 19:00 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, while serving two middle-aged women at the coffee shop, I was screamed at and accused of being a "sexist and chauvinistic bastard." This was prompted by me charging one of them 40 cents for the addition of steamed milk, which is clearly stated on the price sheet. FML

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By flying solo - 28/1/2009 22:35 - United States

Today, my roomate took the toilet paper out of my bathroom. I went into his room to look for it, only to find a large wad of it balled up near his laptop and mouse. FML

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By Wronged - 21/9/2009 10:53 - Singapore

Today, my girlfriend decided to break up with me because she found a bra in my cupboard. It was hers. FML

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By arirx12 - 25/2/2010 22:29 - United States

Today, after five months of not working, I have a check waiting for me at the office. Too bad the office is in another city. My gas tank is empty, and I have no money to put gas in my car. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/2/2015 00:20 - Canada - Toronto

Today, the doctor let me know I have an autoimmune disease. The disease results in ulcers in my colon which bleed when I poop. I cried, but only when I was told that I wouldn't be allowed to eat cheese anymore. FML

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By spitty - 14/4/2015 21:50 - United States - Willoughby

Today, I got a massage. Just as I was starting to relax, the massage therapist drooled on my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/9/2009 21:26 - United States

Today, I went on a romantic date to the mountains to look a stars with a boy I had just met. We started kissing and he stopped, asking if it was rude for him to take me home now. After getting dropped off, he texted me saying we could never do that again and we should never talk about it. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/6/2019 06:44

Today, I was in a public toilet taking a dump. I then noticed someone trying to peep under the door, so I kicked them in the head as hard as I could. Turned out it was a 5-year-old looking for his parent. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2011 20:35 - United Kingdom

Today, at work, my boss went to the single-stall bathroom on our floor. The next thing I know, I'm on suspension pending review because some asshole left an upper-decker in the toilet. Since I'm the office prankster, all suspicion is now on me. I've been framed by my own colleagues. FML

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By Lois - 9/2/2013 12:00 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, I found out my mother has enough toys to open a sex shop. FML

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By AngelAshley - 22/2/2010 15:35 - United Kingdom

Today, I was swimming in the fast lane at the pool. A guy in blue trunks was swimming slowly and really getting on everyone's nerves. I took a break, and looking around I couldn't see him. I turned to the guy next to me and said, "Finally, Mr. Blue Trunks has f**ked off." It was Mr. Blue Trunks. FML

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By charishard - 4/5/2013 05:17 - United States - San Marcos

Today, I was checking out a customer who seemed quite friendly. As I finished, he reached slightly over the counter and I impulsively reached out and shook his hand. He gave me a dumbfounded look and said, "Can I have my change please?" FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2010 19:32 - United States

Today, while at work as a lifeguard, an older gentleman who comes in almost every morning wearing a very tight swimming suit, came up to me and said, "I don't want you having any erotic fantasies of me." After a long pause he added, "Actually, I wouldn't mind it if you do." FML

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By metallifreak44 - 14/11/2011 13:37 - Canada

Today, as a support worker, I spent 45 minutes making various attempts to calm a violent autistic kid. Just as soon as I was sure the crisis was over, he beat me as hard as he could with the "Things I Can Do When I'm Mad" book I'd given him. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2013 10:58 - United States - Ellicott City

Today, my crush kissed me for the first time. However, my hair was falling into my face and getting in the way. No problem, I wear a wig so without thinking, I simply removed it. I don't think he'll kiss me again anytime soon. FML

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By Apparentlycreepy - 3/3/2011 07:24 - United States

Today, I got rejected by two different guys. One was my ex-boyfriend who said he wanted to keep our friendship, and the other was a guy I went on a date with who faked a European accent the whole time during our date despite him being born and raised in Texas. FML

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By nessacadesa - 24/3/2009 04:47 - United States

Today, I was telling my younger brother and sister how important it is to know how to use a knife properly : while slicing potatoes. Just as I was saying how stupid people can be with knives, the potato slipped on the counter. I sliced open my hand while talking about knife safety. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/6/2009 16:01 - United States

Today, I discovered my boyfriend of 5 months runs a website where men can submit nude or semi nude pictures of their ex's for revenge. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/5/2014 19:22 - United States

Today, I moved into my new house. The previous occupants failed to tell me that they'd recently kicked out their crazy crackhead son, who seems to think they've paid me to pretend that they've moved out and that I'm the new owner. He wants back in. FML

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By indefiniteforest - 10/9/2016 04:11 - United States - Hillsboro

Today, my best friend texted me and told me she broke up with her boyfriend. Trying to be supportive, I sent a long message about how he never deserved her and that I was there for her if she needed someone to vent to. She replied, "Are you high?" FML

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By Anonymous - 13/2/2014 12:43

Today, I walked into my house with a couple of friends and I saw my girlfriend doing laundry. I jokingly asked her if she had time to do a load of mine as well. She scoffed and said, "Yeah babe, I'll gladly do your laundry... The same day you learn to wipe properly." FML

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By Fml - 12/4/2013 05:05 - United States - Lynn

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex; I know that some women are great multitaskers, but I'm guessing it was a bad sign when she started to go over the shopping list. FML

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Top comments

By RabbitOfAurora | 28

#6194413 - Friday 6 February 2015 11:50

Hey, old people need porn just like everyone else.

By Cass_x | 22

#6194415 - Friday 6 February 2015 11:51

Well who cares? If they sell it, people are gonna buy it. Let the old man have some fun.

Comments

By RabbitOfAurora | 28

#6194413 - Friday 6 February 2015 11:50

Hey, old people need porn just like everyone else.

Reply

patrickalamo | 47

#6195439 - Saturday 7 February 2015 17:27

Need is a strong word...

Reply

LikeYouGiveAShit | 27

#6196613 - Sunday 8 February 2015 21:38

That's why 1 used it.

By Jasim | 17

#6194414 - Friday 6 February 2015 11:51

Hey, a good deed is a good deed.

Reply

HDMi127 | 10

#6206493 - Thursday 19 February 2015 5:30

seriously?

By Cass_x | 22

#6194415 - Friday 6 February 2015 11:51

Well who cares? If they sell it, people are gonna buy it. Let the old man have some fun.

By Exodiafinder687 | 58

#6194417 - Friday 6 February 2015 11:53

Hey, just because there's snow on the roof doesn't mean that he doesn't need to rub one out every now and then...........at least I think that's how that saying goes.

Reply

VbPretend | 7

#6199072 - Wednesday 11 February 2015 5:07

Eh close enough

By camerongrace92 | 9

#6194419 - Friday 6 February 2015 11:54

let the ol man have his fun. when I'm 80 I'm still gonna buy porn.

Reply

RabbitOfAurora | 28

#6194422 - Friday 6 February 2015 11:56

I don't know about buying it, I'll definitely still be looking at it though.

By phaelnb | 26

#6194420 - Friday 6 February 2015 11:55

You are complaining because and old gentleman politely asked you a favor? People that buy porn can't be polite? Is that why you felt awkward?

Reply

Mr_Guy_Dude | 17

#6217671 - Sunday 1 March 2015 7:30

Idk about you but I would feel pretty awkward if I saw an old man buying porn magazines.

Reply

deathshead | 19

#6350367 - Tuesday 14 July 2015 13:50

old people are still people, they can and will buy porn if they feel like it.

By Pink185054 | 16

#6194424 - Friday 6 February 2015 12:00

I don't see how this is an FML for you considering it doesn't directly affect you. But if you're going to judge the old man for reading porn then YDI.

By fsomelife | 26

#6194428 - Friday 6 February 2015 12:02

The item he asked you to grab could've been way worse. Be glad he chose to use the magazine.

By albertozeta_fml | 9

#6194433 - Friday 6 February 2015 12:08

Ah, the dear old school. Nowadays young men have internet and the only thing they have to grab is... the mouse!

Reply

jojimugo | 20

#6194686 - Friday 6 February 2015 17:26

That's not the only thing they grab

By acommonman | 23

#6194434 - Friday 6 February 2015 12:09

perhaps he wanted to destroy it, to rid the world of porn in a small way?

nah. old men have desires as well, OP.