Intimacy: Today, my girlfriend and I were watching TV. She starts to undo...

By Hikara - Australia

Today, my girlfriend and I were watching TV. She starts to undo my belt buckle, unzips my fly and then takes my pants off. Right as I'm starting to get really excited, she says to me, "Just joking." FML

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Intimacy

Dementia or hate? You decide

Social distancing gone wrong

Healthy relationship

By Gitana - Spain - Tafalla

Today, I was trying on some clothes in the store's changing room, when someone reached under the door and grabbed my purse, shoes, and pants. FML

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By failure - United States - Shreveport

Today, my fiancée of 2 years and mother of my son, who is also pregnant with our second son, commented on how lucky two friends getting married were to have found each other. I said that we're just as lucky. She responded, "No. They actually love each other." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my favorite fish died. To make things better my parents thought to take me out to dinner. We ate sushi. FML

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By loser - France

Today, I was at a bar and very drunk. I went to the urinal and when I was done I went to zip up when I realized I never unzipped. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2020 08:00

Winning

Today, I found out my fourteen-year-old daughter is making more money than me, thanks to babysitting and winning writing contests. FML

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By Frank - United States

Today, I came home from work tired and horny, and asked my girlfriend if she wanted to go make love. While all she had done all day is lay on the couch and watch television, she said, "I'm too tired, why don't you just go into the bathroom and grab a quick wank." FML

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By Embarrassed

Today, my boyfriend finally got me to orgasm, for the first time in my life, after trying for months. He started laughing when I climaxed. I asked why. Apparently I look like an Down's Syndrome child when I climax. FML

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By gazza - United Kingdom - Guildford

Today, in the middle of a localised drought, and an accompanying hosepipe ban, my mother has decided that she still needs to water her lawn. To balance out the water usage, she's placed a complete ban on the use of our shower until the weather lets up. FML

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By notmyfault - United States - Bloomington

Today, I found out why this crazy bitch slashed the tires of my car to prevent me from going to my exam. It's because I'm supposedly the curve setter for the class and she wants to get into medical school without me fucking it up for her. FML

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By childdreamkiller - Canada

Today, I took my daughter to see Santa at the mall. When I went to pick her up from Santa's lap, my watch snagged on his beard, pulling it off in front of my daughter and about twenty kids in line. My daughter still isn't speaking to me. FML

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By no - United States - New York

Today, my cat jumped out a fourth-story window when I went to pet her. FML

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By killmenow - Canada - Halifax

Today, I burped in front of my crush. Well, not really in front of him. I turned around mid-burp and noticed him, not knowing anyone was there. The surprise made me scream a little, which only amplified the burp. So I made this mighty belch-turned-scream noise, while maintaining eye contact with him. FML

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By Jack W. - United States

Today, my cat regurgitated his food right on top of a heating vent located on my floor. Now the whole house smells like hot vomit. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Horseheads

Today, my mom told me my relationship is a joke, because teenagers don't understand the meaning of relationships and commitment. I couldn't help but remind her how she's divorced three separate men to date. She hit me over the head so hard that snot flew out of my nose. FML

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By Innocent

Today, I came home to a furious wife and an answering machine message from a woman neither of us know claiming I got her pregnant. My wife won't believe she got the wrong number. FML

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By oofouchmyvagooter

The Rupture

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time in over a week, because I had been having weird cramps. Afterwards, I was experiencing the worst pain I’ve felt in my entire life, so we went to the ER. Turns out my cramping was from an ovarian cyst, and having sex made it rupture. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Oceanside

Today, my husband's ex-girlfriend is getting a restraining order on him. Turns out, for the past 2 years of our marriage, he has been trying to contact her and ditching work to stalk her. To top it all off, he told me not to come to court with him because he doesn't want her to see he downgraded. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, for the third time in as many months, I woke up early and got dressed up for our department’s networking breakfast, where I stood in the back with no seat and no food, while employees from other departments and less senior staff ate breakfast. My boss later asked me if the food was good. FML

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By NoticeTheLackOfNumbers - United States

Today, I was at the store when I saw that a cart in the checkout line next to me was starting to roll away and the owner hadn't noticed. I tried to help by reaching out to stop the cart from moving, but when the owner saw me with the cart, she began to hit me for trying to steal her purse. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Milwaukee

Today, it's my fifth wedding anniversary. My wife bailed on the romantic dinner that I arranged in favor of running off with her friends. Their big event: an amateur Fight Club event they'd decided to stage in an abandoned parking lot. FML

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By RYZILLAHitZ - United States

Today, as I was walking home from work, my dad drove past, pulled over, rolled down the window and asked, "Are you tired of walking?" To which I replied "Yes!" Just as I reached for the car door, he yelled "RUN A WHILE" and sped off. FML

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By Firefighter Groom - 7/2/2021 23:01

And you are?

Today, I got married to my girlfriend of three years. Her mother's Alzheimer's came into play at the wedding when she asked who I was. My bride-to-be couldn't stop crying. FML

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By thechaos - United States - Pittsfield

Today, my family got into a massive argument about whether or not battery-operated toothbrushes are considered electric toothbrushes. Everyone is in their own room and refuses to talk to each other. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, a Russian guy came up to me on the train and informed me that I look exactly like a typical Russian woman. He then went on to explain that I even had enough fat to survive their cold winters. FML

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By CreepyPaperDoll - United States

Today, I went for coffee with some people from work. I lined up to order behind a guy I'd only met a few times. When he paid, he dropped his wallet, and I saw that he had a picture of me cut from the company newsletter, enlarged, and taped inside his wallet. FML

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By qx5 - Canada

Today, I put my paycheck in my wallet, intending to cash it in the next day. Later on, I met up with a friend and went to a party. I ended up getting so drunk, I gave away my $400 check in exchange for a pack of smokes, thinking it was a $5 bill. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was changing my clothes with my dog in the room. As I took off my shirt, he looked at me, ran into the corner, and threw up. Well that's a confidence booster. FML

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By Again - United States - Pell City

Today, I received my replacement debit card in the mail after losing my previous one. I've already lost my new one. FML

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By RuinedTheMood - United States - Tomball

Today, my fiancé and I were having sex in the early hours of the morning. He said "Morning sex is the best thing to wake up to." Without thinking, I responded "Yeah, unless you're in prison." He lost his erection due to laughing so hard and now can't look at me without laughing. FML

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By dam01 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting a bit steamy. After a few minutes, he jumps up and runs over to the closet and puts on a long brown jacket putting the hood over to his eyes. He looks me in the eyes and says 'I am Obi Wan Kenobi and I'm going to slay you with my light saber'. FML

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By Eric Moore - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years said she was leaving me because recently I wasn't making much money, and was playing too many video games. I recently got a raise at my job of 5 years. The job? Testing video games. FML

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By cereal stepper

Today, I got out of my bed and immediately stepped into a half-eaten bowl of cereal. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I got a steering wheel cover to stop my obsessive steering wheel picking. After putting it on, I realized it was crooked, causing me to have OCD fits every time I drive. I can still pick at the steering wheel around the cover. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/7/2020 20:01

Twinned

Today, I realized my boyfriend is a little too much like my ex, who passed away 6 years ago. Some days, it's as if I'm dating his personality doppleganger. FML

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By ThreeHoursEarly

What's the time, please?

Today, I was told to be present for a meeting that started at 5pm. I arrived 15 minutes early, and I was late for the meeting. This happens regularly. FML

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By Jessica - United States

Today, my 6 year old daughter walked in on my husband and I getting it on. Now she won't stop 'pretending to be daddy' against items of furniture. We have guests coming round in three hours. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a science test. A question asked, "What is the first stage of photosynthesis?" I didn't know, so just trying to be light-hearted, I wrote, "The plant must first believe in itself." My teacher didn't think it was funny, and gave me detention for insulting her intelligence. FML

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By thetalkingvagina - Australia

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. Suddenly, he grabbed my 'lower' lips and moved them in a talking motion, proclaiming that "the talking vagina declares war and wants to conquer the great penis." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend tried to climb up to my third story window in the early hours of the morning. Just before he got to the top, he slipped and fell to the ground. My dad had to drive him to the hospital at 3am. FML

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By DMitch - United States

Today, I went to Subway with my girlfriend. Just as the time came for her to pay, she went to the car to grab her purse. She didn't come back. I found a note on the windshield saying, "It's over." FML

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Top comments

By TidusBlade | 0

#108118 - Monday 13 April 2009 20:33

Ouch that must have sucked, be sure to pull the same prank on her whenever you get the chance ;P

By heathcoate | 0

#108150 - Monday 13 April 2009 20:38

Hahahahaha. Tricked your dick.

COMMENTS

By TidusBlade | 0

#108118 - Monday 13 April 2009 20:33

Ouch that must have sucked, be sure to pull the same prank on her whenever you get the chance ;P

icall_BS | 0

#903469 - Monday 1 March 2010 7:17

OOOOOOOOHHHH
Thats a turn on :)

LoadFasterPage | 0

#1342309 - Friday 3 September 2010 8:25

LOLERIEZ

Herropreez17 | 0

#2683415 - Wednesday 15 June 2011 2:57

Well I don't think it "Sucked" persay...

cantthinkofshit | 5

#4707371 - Thursday 19 July 2012 11:20

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

CaiDog | 20

#5609889 - Friday 2 August 2013 17:26

#302 Totally unnecessary. no one wanted to read that.

MarkToast | 19

#5924923 - Thursday 24 April 2014 19:32

You are my favorite person now

EmiEvelyn | 12

#6575406 - Thursday 7 April 2016 0:28

Most likely untrue anyway

By ejvlols | 0

#108126 - Monday 13 April 2009 20:35

shes a keeper

YUMmMm | 0

#996365 - Monday 17 May 2010 22:52

LOL! I laughed for TEN mins xD

EmreArslan | 11

#3540442 - Friday 4 November 2011 7:36

Girl in ur pic is defo yummy :)

By King_of_Kings | 3

#108134 - Monday 13 April 2009 20:35

i think you should do the same thing to her. and then say Just Kidding Bitch!

By heathcoate | 0

#108150 - Monday 13 April 2009 20:38

Hahahahaha. Tricked your dick.

baby_val | 0

#938639 - Friday 12 March 2010 8:10

haha aww poor baby!
blue balls

GiddyXD | 0

#940553 - Saturday 13 March 2010 0:35

lol 4 8=D~

colby6666 | 42

#5909583 - Wednesday 9 April 2014 21:07

Twas a dick trick.

By HyperFlirt | 0

#108154 - Monday 13 April 2009 20:38

I'm kindof thinking this might be fake.

By King_of_Kings | 3

#108155 - Monday 13 April 2009 20:38

give her a taste of her own medicine

By Sneakyxllama | 2

#108159 - Monday 13 April 2009 20:40

Wow, sorry to say but shes kind of a bitch.

By Tehalon | 0

#108163 - Monday 13 April 2009 20:40

Should've slapped her face with your cock (ony if it was half-hard).

TWSSMoment | 0

#843644 - Thursday 11 February 2010 5:53

I was thinking the same thing.... :/

brightnite | 0

#1231695 - Thursday 12 August 2010 23:02

should have said " so was I...when I said I loved you. put her in her place

Eleex99 | 0

#2421684 - Thursday 28 April 2011 5:32

HAHA nice one 262!

By Ohnoitslindsay | 0

#108166 - Monday 13 April 2009 20:41

She's not a bitch, she's funny. Certainly return the favor though. Keeps you both on your toes.

By Aldrahil | 0

#108169 - Monday 13 April 2009 20:41

My bet is that if you try and do the same thing, she'll act along the lines of "Whatever, I don't want any anyhow."

Yay for fridgiality!