Today, my girlfriend and I were watching TV. She starts to undo...

By Hikara - 13/4/2009 13:44 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend and I were watching TV. She starts to undo my belt buckle, unzips my fly and then takes my pants off. Right as I'm starting to get really excited, she says to me, "Just joking." FML

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Intimacy

Instadrama

Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

TMI

By Anonymous - 28/12/2012 19:05 - Malaysia - Shah Alam

Today, I set up a spy cam in my room to find out which one of my pervy brothers has been using my computer to watch porn. Turns out it was actually my father. I now have a video of him sitting in my chair masturbating, and I can't get it out of my head. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/1/2012 05:12 - United States

Today, I waited on an elderly man whose wife had just left him. After him going on and on about how his dog will love his leftover chicken, I nervously caught a case of verbal diarrhea and uttered, "Well, if there's chicken involved, I'll get on my knees and be your dog." FML

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By Imdead - 14/9/2018 22:00

Today, we're taking the plane home from Dublin after a school trip that I only barely got onto after troubles with my passport. Luckily for me, a kind person has decided to save me from the passport this evening - together with the rest of my wallet. I'm stuck. FML

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By _aPerson_ - 22/4/2016 15:58 - Canada - Airdrie

Today, I lost the key to my bike lock. I ended up having to cut it off, even though it was brand new. After spending 30 minutes hacking away at it, it finally came off. When I hopped onto my bike, I felt something poking my leg. My key was in my pocket the whole time. FML

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By irony - 16/8/2009 07:05 - United States

Today, I got a paper cut while opening my box of Band-Aids. FML

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By everybodysfool - 24/12/2009 01:02 - United States

Today, after having an amazing intimate encounter with my boyfriend of 2 years, I put on an old pair of boxers I still have from when I was heavier. He thinks I am cheating on him and doesn't believe I used to be fat. Now he won't talk to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2011 21:51 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I were both at home, sick. We decided to make the best of it and spent the day in bed together. Things got a little steamy, and we started making out. As I started kissing her neck, I got nauseous. Before I could pull away, I threw up all over her. FML

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By are you kidding me???? - 20/7/2012 04:58 - United States - Chaplin

Today, my boss fired me for "fooling around" on my phone. I was looking for supplies for a surprise party we are throwing him for his birthday, and I didn't want to do it on my work computer because he has access to our history. Also, this happened during my lunch break. FML

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By Hornymuch - 2/11/2012 11:35 - Germany

Today, I realized why it's a bad idea to store your business cards and your "emergency condom" in the same handbag compartment. I realized this after a client watched me miss the cards and pull out the condom after our lunch meeting. FML

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By fuck no - 22/8/2015 10:18 - India - Kollam

Today, my husband wanted to use bacon grease as lube. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2010 05:15 - United States

Today, I had an interview for a college. The college is in Rhode Island. I live on the West coast. When I asked the interviewer if they got to the mainland by boat or by some other form of transportation, he told me Rhode Island is not an island. FML

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By Jae_Hellyun - 8/1/2014 04:21 - United States

Today, my girlfriend sent me a link to a Vine video in which she dumped me. FML

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By Phoenix2115 - 26/2/2018 17:00 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, after ordering a custom $200 Valentine's Day gift box for my husband, he gave it away to a female coworker upon delivery because Valentine's Day isn't for guys. I hope she like the new Xbox one controller and all the gift cards as well. FML

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5274

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By Renzy - 12/12/2012 18:32

Today, my son got suspended from school. He's in kindergarten. FML

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By steph - 31/5/2016 20:12 - United States - Helotes

Today, I was trying to go for number 2 while drying my hair so that my boy friend won't hear me do it. The lock on the door was broken, and he saw how good I am at multitasking. FML

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By PeppermintPenny - 10/8/2017 20:00

Been There

Today, a coworker and I had our second date at my place. He wanted to show me pictures of himself in some club, where he had been a member in highschool. He started typing his name into the google search bar and it suggested his name from when I had googled him months ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/4/2016 23:46 - United States - Cary

Today, I'd like to thank the genius who scheduled my class in a building which is actively being torn down. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2012 17:27 - United States - Sandy

Today, I got into an argument with my mom over her sexist, emotionally-abusive boyfriend. I told her that either he goes or I go. She called me a disrespectful bastard for not respecting my "new father." I'm now sitting outside a McDonald's with my suitcase, leeching their WiFi. FML

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By oneillrox - 3/11/2011 20:06 - United States

Today, I took my cat to the vet for an x-ray. They found three dollar coins in his stomach. The surgery to remove them is $600. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2013 11:16 - United States - Woodinville

Today, I sat on my own testicles while having a serious and tenderly sweet discussion with my fiancée about our future together. We were both crying, but for very different reasons. FML

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By janegeorge - 12/1/2015 00:39 - Canada - Kanata

Today, a guy called me out of the blue. Apparently, he'd copied my number from a sheet we'd filled out in church. He doesn't understand why I'm "overreacting". FML

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By Anonymous - 22/2/2012 05:42 - United States

Today, my husband and I were about to have sex. As soon as I got on top, he started speaking in a robot voice, then demanded that I call him "the Fuckinator." FML

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By Doors Hate Me - 2/3/2013 14:09 - United States

Today, as I was about to open a door at school, a student opened it and hit me. As I recovered and was about to open it again, someone else opened the door, hitting me again. Everyone laughed. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2016 16:09 - United States - San Mateo

Today, I found out that you can give your grandpa a Vietnam flashback when you set off a leftover firecracker from New Years. I also found out that a 76 year old hits pretty fucking hard when freaking out. FML

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By love you too honey boo - 13/1/2020 05:00

Dirty room

Today, I sent a scantily clad pic to my boyfriend, to which he responded "Nice, but please clean your room". FML

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By hatecolin - 10/9/2009 18:46 - United States

Today, I was driving my new car home when I came around a sharp turn to see a groundhog in the road. I kindly stopped and allowed it to cross when all of the sudden a car slammed into the back of mine. Then, another car went flying around us. That car hit and killed the groundhog. FML

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By DreDre - 12/12/2019 03:00

The charity

Today, I found out that the dude I love has been taking the money I used to support him and buying heroin with it. FML

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By K Holed - 29/1/2009 17:04 - United States

Today, my parents told me that they received a letter from a prison. Being curious they opened it up and read the entire thing. It was from this girl I randomly met. Now I have a prison stalker and my parents think I date felons. FML

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By farmvillefail - 9/1/2010 00:10 - United States

Today, I found out the best way to communicate with my boyfriend, who is obsessed with farmville, is by placing a "sign post" on his farm. Not sending text, email, or calling, but placing a message on his imaginary farm. FML

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By ... - 12/3/2009 18:57 - France

Today, the really hot guy that works in the same building as me came to work after being away for the past two days. I said "Look who finally decided to come to work." His response: "I had a death in the family, thanks." FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2012 04:24 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I worked up the courage to give a guy my number. I wrote it down on a piece of paper, tore it in half and gave it to him. Later, I noticed I'd given him the wrong, blank half. FML

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By not drunk - 21/7/2020 08:01

And I oop

Today, I was at a restaurant. I turned around looking for the restroom. I almost walked into the men’s room, then corrected myself and stumbled in the hallway looking for the ladies’. The employees thought I was drunk and kicked me out. I hadn’t had a single drink. I’m just clumsy as shit. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/12/2018 14:00

Today, after weeks of no sex, my boyfriend finally decided to have sex with me. While we were getting into it I accidentally farted in his face while his mouth was open. No more sex for me. FML

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By nicedoggy - 23/10/2012 18:05 - United States - Nixa

Today, I came home from college to find my favorite silk nightie that I had left behind being modeled by Bernie, the family dog. Nobody will admit to who put it on him. I don't know what's worse, that my family is a bunch of assholes, or that my nightie is big enough to fit a Saint Bernard. FML

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By kiwi2323 - 26/9/2012 01:48 - United States

Today, my intoxicated husband asked my very conservative parents how their sex life is now that all the kids are out of the house. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/3/2014 06:25 - United States - Rochester

Today, I was telling my friends about a date I had recently that went badly, because the guy turned out to be a moron. I said the last straw was when I used the word "decipher" and was met with a blank stare. I was then met with more blank stares. FML

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By marriedbutlonely - 15/2/2016 02:36 - United States - Federal Way

Today, after having my husband ask if I 'had any plans' for the weekend, and him mentioning that he got me something special, he played his PS4 for hours, ignored me, then finally took a break to hand me a tiny box of chocolates. I can't even be mad because he looked so proud. FML

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By Bluetooth Connection - 1/10/2018 03:00

Today, I sat in the bathroom on my phone to rub one out after a long day. Wanting to hear the action, I upped the volume until the sound was low enough for me to hear, despite the volume being near max. I continued until I realized my phone was connected to my headset outside near my family. FML

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By sex sent me to the Er - 15/10/2019 14:00

Life imitates bad art

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. Feeling goofy, I thought it’d be funny to try to reenact that horrible sex scene from the movie Showgirls. I threw my body back, but completely lost my balance and smashed my head on the headboard. I ended up with a bad concussion and a huge hospital bill. FML

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By fuck - 24/7/2015 16:44 - Canada - Cowansville

Today, about 30 seconds into my first blowjob, my girlfriend threatened to cut my balls off if I didn't "just fucking cum already". FML

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Top comments

By TidusBlade | 0

#108118 - Monday 13 April 2009 20:33

Ouch that must have sucked, be sure to pull the same prank on her whenever you get the chance ;P

By heathcoate | 0

#108150 - Monday 13 April 2009 20:38

Hahahahaha. Tricked your dick.

COMMENTS

By TidusBlade | 0

#108118 - Monday 13 April 2009 20:33

Ouch that must have sucked, be sure to pull the same prank on her whenever you get the chance ;P

icall_BS | 0

#903469 - Monday 1 March 2010 7:17

OOOOOOOOHHHH
Thats a turn on :)

LoadFasterPage | 0

#1342309 - Friday 3 September 2010 8:25

LOLERIEZ

Herropreez17 | 0

#2683415 - Wednesday 15 June 2011 2:57

Well I don't think it "Sucked" persay...

cantthinkofshit | 5

#4707371 - Thursday 19 July 2012 11:20

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

CaiDog | 20

#5609889 - Friday 2 August 2013 17:26

#302 Totally unnecessary. no one wanted to read that.

MarkToast | 19

#5924923 - Thursday 24 April 2014 19:32

You are my favorite person now

EmiEvelyn | 12

#6575406 - Thursday 7 April 2016 0:28

Most likely untrue anyway

By ejvlols | 0

#108126 - Monday 13 April 2009 20:35

shes a keeper

YUMmMm | 0

#996365 - Monday 17 May 2010 22:52

LOL! I laughed for TEN mins xD

EmreArslan | 11

#3540442 - Friday 4 November 2011 7:36

Girl in ur pic is defo yummy :)

By King_of_Kings | 3

#108134 - Monday 13 April 2009 20:35

i think you should do the same thing to her. and then say Just Kidding Bitch!

By heathcoate | 0

#108150 - Monday 13 April 2009 20:38

Hahahahaha. Tricked your dick.

baby_val | 0

#938639 - Friday 12 March 2010 8:10

haha aww poor baby!
blue balls

GiddyXD | 0

#940553 - Saturday 13 March 2010 0:35

lol 4 8=D~

colby6666 | 42

#5909583 - Wednesday 9 April 2014 21:07

Twas a dick trick.

By HyperFlirt | 0

#108154 - Monday 13 April 2009 20:38

I'm kindof thinking this might be fake.

By King_of_Kings | 3

#108155 - Monday 13 April 2009 20:38

give her a taste of her own medicine

By Sneakyxllama | 2

#108159 - Monday 13 April 2009 20:40

Wow, sorry to say but shes kind of a bitch.

By Tehalon | 0

#108163 - Monday 13 April 2009 20:40

Should've slapped her face with your cock (ony if it was half-hard).

TWSSMoment | 0

#843644 - Thursday 11 February 2010 5:53

I was thinking the same thing.... :/

brightnite | 0

#1231695 - Thursday 12 August 2010 23:02

should have said " so was I...when I said I loved you. put her in her place

Eleex99 | 0

#2421684 - Thursday 28 April 2011 5:32

HAHA nice one 262!

By Ohnoitslindsay | 0

#108166 - Monday 13 April 2009 20:41

She's not a bitch, she's funny. Certainly return the favor though. Keeps you both on your toes.

By Aldrahil | 0

#108169 - Monday 13 April 2009 20:41

My bet is that if you try and do the same thing, she'll act along the lines of "Whatever, I don't want any anyhow."

Yay for fridgiality!