Intimacy: Today, my girlfriend and I were watching TV. She starts to undo...

By Hikara - Australia

Today, my girlfriend and I were watching TV. She starts to undo my belt buckle, unzips my fly and then takes my pants off. Right as I'm starting to get really excited, she says to me, "Just joking." FML

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165160

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Intimacy

Out of it

Gonna need more details, please

Real friends

By Dickhead - Lebanon

Today, I found a condom on my bed with a note written by my girlfriend that said, "Since you started acting like a dick, you might as well dress like one." FML

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14489

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62105

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I lost my phone. On the bright side, someone found it. On the downside, they won't give it back. FML

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33136

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3448

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By ironic driver - United States

Today, I was pulled over for a DWI. The police officer was drunk. FML

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35487

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4595

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By ohsnap - Australia

Today, I took my car through the car wash. I got bored, so turned the radio on, forgetting that the aerial/antenna on the car is automatic. My car aerial is now bent at a 90 degree angle and about to fall off. The radio is half white noise, half stuff that may or may not be free jazz jam sessions. FML

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8665

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35211

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By Iron11

Today, I had a date with a girl I've liked for a while. We went out to a nice Italian restaurant for dinner. I was obviously going to pay, but when the bill came I realized I'd forgotten my wallet. When I told her, she thought I was a cheap liar and now she won't answer my calls. FML

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15660

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4349

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By killme

Today, my girlfriend of three years broke up with me saying I don’t make her happy, I don’t make her laugh, that she feels she is settling for me and that she is not being pleased sexually. Even though she has always said I did all of that and that we could work through anything. I was going to propose... FML

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2996

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329

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By forever dog-less

Today, my mom told me to go meet a rescue dog. After doing all my research and emailing shelters left and right, I finally got a call. It went well! Then, my mom told me it would never happen. I'm still expecting several emails from the shelters I contacted, so I get to relive this pain. FML

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2185

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180

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By sochunky - United Kingdom - Bromham

Today, someone had thrown up onto the last remaining seat on the train. Guess who accidentally sat in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20950

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3371

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By FMyLife5915

Today, I found out what "supersoaked" means. I thought it meant getting shot by a water gun, which is why I laughed when my daughter's boyfriend said he "supersoaked" her. FML

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36194

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6895

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By Thay - United States

Today, I logged onto Tinder to see if I had any messages. I had one: "Get off Tinder." FML

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13844

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1654

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By tired of my job - Canada - Surrey

Today, I was at work, stocking shelves. A customer got mad because I was in the way of her "shopping time" and knocked down all the work I had done. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23989

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1363

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I had to ask my mum not to meditate while driving. FML

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24538

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2133

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By Anonymous - United States - Clinton

Today, my boyfriend picked me up from school. It was an unusually sweet gesture from him, and I was flattered. That is, until he told me to sit my ass in the back, so his dog could ride in front with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25983

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4750

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By bdavis - Canada

Today, I was using a power drill to take down the set for the musical we just finished. My long hair got caught in the drill, got ripped out and now I have a hurting, bleeding bald spot the size of 2 quarters. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27439

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14363

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By Alex - United States - Monterey Park

Today, my wife, being very considerate, bought me a new phone for my birthday. That would be fine and dandy if cops didn't enter my house and say I stole it. Turns out my wife payed $900 from MY credit card to the person who stole the phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2874

You deserved it

176

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By Sous_Chef - United States

Today, my roommate came in slamming the front door. I guess he doesn't know that you can't throw hot water on frozen windows. He came up all pissed and called his insurance because he cracked the windshield. We have the same car, in the same exact color. Turns out he threw the water on mine. FML

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36828

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3075

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By oh my soul

Today, it's been 1 month since I've accepted that I'm gay, 1 week since telling my strict, southern baptist, bible-thumping parents, 1 day since my mom stopped crying and my dad finally spoke to me, and 1 hour since discovering that I'm pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5756

You deserved it

2009

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By chris - United States

Today, I saw my bike locked outside a Starbucks down the street from my house. It was stolen about 10 days ago from my communal laundry room. There was even a cop parked across the street, but I have no proof to show that bike even belonged to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34789

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3853

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By jesuschrist

They'll go at night

Today, my daughter asked me why NASA hasn't gone to the sun yet. She's seventeen. FML

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1589

You deserved it

417

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By Craptastic

Today, at physical therapy, I felt that all-too-familiar gurgle in my gut, but I thought it would a light, silent fart. I squatted for an exercise and shit my pants in front of the cute, single, male physical therapist. He definitely noticed. I still had 30 minutes left in the session. FML

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2741

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617

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I start work in an office, with my mother. FML

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29478

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12654

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By literature - this FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff

Poor old George Orwell…

Today, we are reading Animal Farm in class. Almost the entire class think it's about animal abuse. Including the teacher. FML

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42297

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3053

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By Unteachable - United States

Today, as a high school English teacher, I had to read submissions for a writing contest. The entries were filled with words like "irregardless", "could of", "acrost", and "ain't". These papers were supposedly written by the best students in the school. FML

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7193

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By Anonymous - United States - Arcata

Today, I interviewed three elderly residents at a nursing home, hoping to use the transcript for a very important paper due next week. It went great, so I wrapped up and drove home. I sat down to start typing, and realized that my recording had stopped ten minutes in. FML

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35917

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, Child Protective Services came to my house, because my 7-year-old son told people at school that he was uncomfortable sleeping in his uncle's bed. I had to explain to them that the uncle in question died 2 years ago, and that's why it felt weird. FML

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36296

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By ShowerheadGirl - United States

Common passion

Today, I was having an intimate moment with my detachable shower head. I opened my eyes to find my husband of 4 months looking down on me. The only thing he said was, "You too?" FML

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10102

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By nabru

Today, I automated a task at work and a day-long procedure ran in a few hours. My boss was completely unimpressed because "I'm not paid to automate stuff, I'm paid to work". FML

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3654

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286

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By brokeandiknowit - United States - Chula Vista

Today, I installed an app that notifies me of every purchase on my credit card. Now I'm being tormented by notification after notification as my wife decimates our finances. FML

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4405

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931

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By social anxiety my a** - Switzerland - Zurich

Today, after three years with my boyfriend hardly ever going to any social or public event with me due to his social anxiety, I got to witness him improve his flirting skills on every girl available at his house party. FML

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37606

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By Really jealous - 26/1/2021 09:31 - India

Creeped out

Today, my best friend confided in me that she's going to have sex with her cousin. Shocked, I tried to convince her not to and how it's a horrible idea. She called me a jealous bastard who can't get laid. FML

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1262

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By Anonymous

Clean me, humanoid

Today, I had to wash my cat. Twice. The first time was because he decided to roll over in the litter tray after using it. The second was the result of him pissing on the floor, then rolling in it right after I'd dried him from the first time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1353

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225

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By Anonymous - Canada - Kelowna

Today, I woke up after passing out at a very small house party. I set a three drink limit, but apparently nobody listened, because there were beer cans everywhere, half my stuff was on the floor, and someone had shat in my bathtub. I had to clean all of it up alone. FML

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23066

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I shaved half my eyebrow off trying to shave my uni-brow. FML

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18328

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By shugberry - United Kingdom - London

Today, I took my mum on the London Underground. We were standing on the platform, when she suddenly bought up a load of phlegm in her mouth. Instead of trying to find a bin, she just full on spat out the biggest green pile on the floor next to people. FML

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1700

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115

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By AK-47 - United States - Farmington

Today, I dropped my phone in the toilet in a public restroom. That would have been bad enough, without the guy in the next stall saying, "Jesus! What the hell did you eat?!" FML

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28652

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By Anonymous

Today, I learned how to sharpen a knife. I sharpened it so well that it went through my finger like a lightsaber. FML

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1567

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452

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my chemistry professor made us all leave our classroom mid-lab because the class was complaining of the smell, and he was worried that there was a gas leak from one of the Bunsen burners. There wasn't, but it's nice to know my "silent but deadly" smelled like it might actually kill. FML

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12879

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37593

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By marriedtoatool - Australia - Sydney

Today, I received from my husband for Christmas the body lotion that only he uses. And nothing else. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30573

You deserved it

2918

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By girly - United States - Canton

Today, my girlfriend of 2 years texted me saying "I can't wait to f*ck later." I replied saying, "Couldn't we just spend time together?" Her response was, "What are you, a girl?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

22506

You deserved it

52479

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By mapollis - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me for the fifth time, and all I could say was: "Can I have my parking permit back?" FML

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10346

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Top comments

By TidusBlade | 0

#108118 - Monday 13 April 2009 20:33

Ouch that must have sucked, be sure to pull the same prank on her whenever you get the chance ;P

By heathcoate | 0

#108150 - Monday 13 April 2009 20:38

Hahahahaha. Tricked your dick.

COMMENTS

By TidusBlade | 0

#108118 - Monday 13 April 2009 20:33

Ouch that must have sucked, be sure to pull the same prank on her whenever you get the chance ;P

icall_BS | 0

#903469 - Monday 1 March 2010 7:17

OOOOOOOOHHHH
Thats a turn on :)

LoadFasterPage | 0

#1342309 - Friday 3 September 2010 8:25

LOLERIEZ

Herropreez17 | 0

#2683415 - Wednesday 15 June 2011 2:57

Well I don't think it "Sucked" persay...

cantthinkofshit | 5

#4707371 - Thursday 19 July 2012 11:20

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

CaiDog | 20

#5609889 - Friday 2 August 2013 17:26

#302 Totally unnecessary. no one wanted to read that.

MarkToast | 19

#5924923 - Thursday 24 April 2014 19:32

You are my favorite person now

EmiEvelyn | 12

#6575406 - Thursday 7 April 2016 0:28

Most likely untrue anyway

By ejvlols | 0

#108126 - Monday 13 April 2009 20:35

shes a keeper

YUMmMm | 0

#996365 - Monday 17 May 2010 22:52

LOL! I laughed for TEN mins xD

EmreArslan | 11

#3540442 - Friday 4 November 2011 7:36

Girl in ur pic is defo yummy :)

By King_of_Kings | 3

#108134 - Monday 13 April 2009 20:35

i think you should do the same thing to her. and then say Just Kidding Bitch!

By heathcoate | 0

#108150 - Monday 13 April 2009 20:38

Hahahahaha. Tricked your dick.

baby_val | 0

#938639 - Friday 12 March 2010 8:10

haha aww poor baby!
blue balls

GiddyXD | 0

#940553 - Saturday 13 March 2010 0:35

lol 4 8=D~

colby6666 | 42

#5909583 - Wednesday 9 April 2014 21:07

Twas a dick trick.

By HyperFlirt | 0

#108154 - Monday 13 April 2009 20:38

I'm kindof thinking this might be fake.

By King_of_Kings | 3

#108155 - Monday 13 April 2009 20:38

give her a taste of her own medicine

By Sneakyxllama | 2

#108159 - Monday 13 April 2009 20:40

Wow, sorry to say but shes kind of a bitch.

By Tehalon | 0

#108163 - Monday 13 April 2009 20:40

Should've slapped her face with your cock (ony if it was half-hard).

TWSSMoment | 0

#843644 - Thursday 11 February 2010 5:53

I was thinking the same thing.... :/

brightnite | 0

#1231695 - Thursday 12 August 2010 23:02

should have said " so was I...when I said I loved you. put her in her place

Eleex99 | 0

#2421684 - Thursday 28 April 2011 5:32

HAHA nice one 262!

By Ohnoitslindsay | 0

#108166 - Monday 13 April 2009 20:41

She's not a bitch, she's funny. Certainly return the favor though. Keeps you both on your toes.

By Aldrahil | 0

#108169 - Monday 13 April 2009 20:41

My bet is that if you try and do the same thing, she'll act along the lines of "Whatever, I don't want any anyhow."

Yay for fridgiality!