Whiny Husky

Today, I was approached by a police officer who instructed me to move because I was "threatening the elderly". I was sitting on a park bench in front of an old folks home. FML

Hello everyone!

Ant life

Extreme late fees

By random - 15/6/2011 14:23 - Canada

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3170

Today, I was on train when an attractive girl got on. There were no free seats and seeing as how my stop was next, I gave her mine. As soon as I did, the train came to an immediate halt, due to "brake problems". I spent the next 40 minutes standing up. FML

By Anonymous - 21/4/2011 09:30 - Australia

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Today, I registered on an irritable bowel support group, unknowingly linking it to my Facebook wall. FML

By Anonymous - 16/5/2013 10:51 - Australia

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Today, I was on the phone with my senile grandma, when I told her I had to go because I had an appointment at the clinic. For some reason, she assumed I was talking about an abortion clinic, and started raging at me and calling me a murderer. FML

By Anonymous - 1/8/2015 03:39 - United States - Pasadena

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Today, while writing a midterm, my period came unexpectedly. Too bad my male professor was the one to notice and not me. FML

By 1DisGR8 - 14/11/2018 13:30

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Today, a girl who's in charge of a group project that I get graded on, asked if Bill Gates was a Founding Father. She was totally serious. I'm screwed. FML

By Anonymous - 29/9/2013 17:23 - United States - Philadelphia

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Today, it was hot out, so I opted to stay cool and wear my bathing suit all day. My mom took it as me rubbing in the fact that I'm thinner than her and grounded me. FML

By Anonymous - 24/7/2011 20:21 - United States

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Today, a male friend of mine tried to kiss me. When I shoved him away and demanded to know what the fuck he was doing, he said he didn't think I was really a lesbian because I went on a date with a guy. Once. Over 15 years ago. FML

By Tag - 7/9/2015 00:54 - Australia - Sydney

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2736

Today, after six weeks of dealing with various exterminators, my roommate and I were about to toast to what we were told was a wasp-free room. That's when we noticed several much smaller wasps flying around. Not only is our wasp problem not solved, but our room is a wasp breeding ground. FML

By OhWait - 23/10/2015 00:18 - United States - Schenectady

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Today, my husband called me in the middle of the morning. He was in jail and wanted me to bail him out. Not only was he stupid enough to go drunk drag-racing with his buddies, their route took them straight past the front of the local police precinct. FML

By Anonymous - 23/5/2012 21:14 - United States

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Today, I drove an hour to work, did nothing for 8 hours, drove an hour back, and then studied for 4 hours. This has been happening for weeks. FML

By Anonymous - 13/9/2019 16:01

"At least you've got a job" - Mr. Missingthepoint

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Today, I received two withdrawl grades in school for droping the classes due to a kidney infection that kept me in the hospital. I wrote a petition to the dean asking to remove the grades. He replied to send a doctor's note. I did this, and he said that I was faking and the note was forged. FML

By snoozer - 23/3/2009 06:12 - United States

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Today, I came to the decision that I needed some variety in my life, so I decided to get a haircut. My mom insisted that she could do it and that she had experience because she cuts my dad's short hair. I had thick, long hair. Now, my hair is uneven, ugly and short. FML

By Anonymous - 7/9/2020 05:32 - India - Mumbai

Haircut, haircuuuut

993

558

Today, while at work, I managed to scrape open the inside of my nose with my fingernail, drawing blood in the process. I had to quickly up an explanation for my scream that didn't go: "Well, I was scouting for boogers..." FML

By Anonymous - 12/5/2012 22:09 - Netherlands - Vianen

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Today, one of my cats peed all over the back of my couch, so I put her outside for a while. When I let her in, she ran straight to the couch and peed on my laptop. This has been going on ever since I accidentally stepped on her tail, several months ago. FML

By UghCats - 6/2/2011 01:58 - United States

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Today, was parent appreciation day at my daughter's KG class. On the stage, each child was asked to define each parent in one word. When it was my daughter's turn, she looked at me hard, thinking. Finally, in the end she said, "My daddy is very fat." Everybody stared. FML

By Anonymous - 23/5/2010 23:00 - Canada

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Today, my 12-year-old stepchild told me he’s been deliberately wetting - and sometimes crapping - the bed because he’s too lazy to get up and knows it’s someone else’s problem to clean up after him. It’s been going on for years. FML

By Kerkie - 24/1/2018 19:30 - United States - North Kingstown

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Today, I had to sit for an hour listening to my girlfriend talk to her ex about his testicles. She laughed more during that conversation than she ever has with me. FML

By aftermath1991 - 3/9/2009 07:23 - United Kingdom

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Today, there was a fire alarm in my dorm. Just as I was leaving my room, a lady in the hallway told me that it was a drill and they'd be inspecting rooms, so I would need to leave my door unlocked. When I came back, my room was trashed and my laptop, speakers, and jewelry were gone. FML

By zzyx - 22/9/2009 03:19 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend and I broke up because we got into a fight over what color that confusing black and blue and white and gold dress was. FML

By confused - 27/2/2015 03:07 - United States - Milwaukee

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Today, I told my girlfriend that I'm a vegan. She replied, "So, you're allergic to meat?" FML

By blondetergent - 20/6/2011 08:12 - Singapore

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Today, I was making one of those microwavable pizza kits. Realizing I had no crushed red pepper to put on it, my mom suggested using a chili pepper she had dried. Thinking it was a great idea, I cracked it open on my pizza and out popped some fuzzy white mold and two maggots. FML

By Anonymous - 28/8/2019 12:00

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Today, I had a nightmare in which I was haunted by the ghost of my foreskin. I then spent the whole day moping around, wondering what my life would've been like if my parents hadn't opted to slice it off. Will I see you in heaven, long-lost ghostly foreskin? FML

By MissYouPieceOfSkin - 27/11/2013 08:44 - United States - Kirkland

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Today, I was babysitting three little kids. I decided to give one of them (a seven-year-old) a piggy-back ride, thinking I'm strong enough. I managed to get a few feet before faceplanting on the wooden floor. She is fine though, no pain or anything. My face took the impact for both of us. FML

By ouchy - 30/1/2010 05:05 - United States

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Today, I woke up to a flooded basement. That basement is my bedroom, so I'm completely surrounded by water. All I need is a tiger and this would be like The Life of Pi. FML

By Anonymous - 28/6/2013 18:07 - Egypt - Cairo

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Today, a little boy called me on the phone, crying "grandma died" in a broken voice. I just didn't have the heart to say "wrong number." FML

By Waffle - 9/3/2011 15:47

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Today, I was hanging out with my crush and wanted to see what he thought of me. Instead of asking him straight, I tugged at my shirt, saying ''I don't know why I wear this top. I always look awful in it." He said, "Are you fishing for a fat joke?" FML

By Anonymous - 23/12/2010 04:35 - United States

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Today, my parents spent more time, money and effort on my boyfriend's birthday present than they ever have on any of mine. FML

By secondchild - 12/7/2019 14:00

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Today, my demented little sister walked up to me and kicked me between the legs. I told my parents, but they just accusingly asked me what I did to provoke her. When I said "nothing", they accused me of lying. There is no justice. FML

By Anonymous - 28/8/2014 21:16 - Portugal

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Today, it was was my first day back at work as an esthetician. My first client refused to remove her face mask so I could perform the service. She demanded I just do her forehead, and that she’d only pay a third of the price since she’s only getting that part done. I refused and was written up by management. FML

By fuckface moron - 20/6/2020 02:17

Face value

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Today, my 2 year relationship ended when my boyfriend accused me of stealing his beanie hat. FML

By single and hatless - 28/11/2015 03:46 - United States - Wilmington

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Today, I was told by one of my bridesmaids that she can't afford the travel costs to get to my wedding, after telling me that she didn't need me to organize alternate free travel for her. I'm getting married in less than two weeks. FML

By "Sarah-Louise James" - 29/4/2019 12:00

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Today, thanks to a particularly spicy bowl of noodles, my nose decided it would rather be a fountain. A fountain of blood. FML

By mwja - 26/2/2011 22:59 - France

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Today, I walked outside to find someone had egged my house and smashed a pumpkin onto my car. I later discovered that the perpetrator was my own 8 year old son. FML

By Anonymous - 30/10/2010 23:55 - United Kingdom

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Today, my long distance boyfriend sent me a Snap of him fucking another girl. When he realized he'd sent it to me, he called me, trying to explain, "it's not what it looks like. It was meant for the boys." Two days ago, I made plans to visit him. Guess who's out money and single. FML

By Anonymous - 10/7/2020 20:02

My ex the dumbass

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165

Today, I gave my dad $40 and asked him if he can get me lunch on his way back home. Long story short he came back empty handed telling me it was my fault for trusting him with McNuggets. FML

By Dmessmer1 - 5/6/2016 08:37 - United States - Phoenix

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1700

Today, I was babysitting a really bratty little girl. She came and cuddled up on the couch so I took it as an apology. I feel asleep while she was sitting with me and when I woke up she had peed on me. She locked herself in her room and was laughing about peeing on me for discipling her. FML

By Anonymous - 12/5/2009 03:43 - United States

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Today, I went out to dinner with my boyfriend and his mom. The hostess asked if I needed "the kid's menu," remarked how I look "so grown up for your age," and asked what grade I was in. I said I'm in university. She laughed as if it was the best joke ever told. I'm 22. FML

By ugh - 14/8/2012 16:52 - United States

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Today, I was about to lose my virginity to my girlfriend. Unfortunately, she started fake-moaning like a pornstar before I even entered her, totally killing the mood and my boner. She swore she hadn't moaned, accused me of not finding her attractive enough, and angrily left. FML

By Perdito_Coño - 5/9/2014 20:55 - Australia - Quakers Hill

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