Today, my girlfriend and I were getting it on for the first time.... - FML

By Punk - 7/6/2011 20:07 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting it on for the first time. Just as I was about to climax, I spotted my greatest fear, a big wasp, only a few inches away from me. I shuddered and made a very unmanly orgasm wail. She now refuses to have sex because she says I "turned her off forever". FML

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Instadrama

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

By Anonymous - 12/5/2017 00:00

Today, my mother told my boyfriend a cute story about me when I was little. The one where my cousin and I were caught pooping in a urinal in the church basement. FML

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By moonstone15 - 6/8/2011 00:24 - United States

Today, I took my new boyfriend to a family dinner. Despite having made everyone agree to be on their best behavior, my grandma spewed obscenities such as "fuck me sideways, aren't you a catch?" and "you just can't pull ass like that at my age" throughout. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/12/2012 16:29 - United States - Cedar Park

Today, a senile old lady came up to me and offered me chocolate. I noticed that it was ex-lax, so I politely told her no. My 4-year-old daughter pushed me aside and ate the ex-lax, because she thought it was candy. I now have a stinky child on a 3 hour bus ride, with no stops. FML

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By twinkletoes - 17/9/2012 06:32 - United States

Today, I went to get my nails done for the first time in a while. I don't like to go that much because two of my toes are connected, and I'm very self-conscious about it. The man painting my toes started laughing when he saw them and called all the other employees over to look. FML

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By MissBeEyeTeeSeeH - 8/11/2009 11:46 - Canada

Today, It was pretty nice out, so I decided to walk to work. Not twenty minutes after leaving, it started to pour. I was soaking when I got there and had to change. My boyfriend works next door, so I asked him if he could give me a ride. His reply? "Sorry Babe, I just can't be seen with you like that." FML

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By Blindjac - 20/2/2019 16:00

Today was my moms wedding and I was the maid of honor! I was so excited to walk down the isle with my mom, but the church was so dry I got a bloody nose 5 minutes before going down. I couldn’t go down the isle or watch my mom go down either. I had to stay in the back and hold my nose up. FML

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By northernlass - 1/10/2010 14:32 - United States

Today, I boarded a trans-Atlantic flight by myself, and struck up a nice conversation with the passenger across the aisle. Before we even took off, the man in front of me unbuckled, stood to face me, and asked me to please shut the hell up. "It's a 9 hour flight, and you're VERY loud!" FML

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By sadf4x0r - 24/2/2010 17:27 - United Kingdom

Today, I realised my girlfriend is the perfect woman for most men. She only ever talks to me in the intermissions on Modern Warfare 2; shame it's not me playing. FML

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By - 16/6/2011 14:43 - United States

Today, as I was mowing my neighbors lawn, I found the playboy magazine he left in his yard. I found it with the mower. I spent the next hour picking up little shards of naked women for no extra pay. FML

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By Loser - 21/8/2013 15:17 - United States

Today, I got my girlfriend to play Smash Bros Brawl with me. As it was her first time, I set up handicaps to give her at least a shot at winning. She won, quite handily. A little irritated at this, I took off the handicaps and tried again. She beat me even faster. FML

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By Rman - 2/11/2009 22:35 - United States

Today, I got a letter confirming I had dropped out of college. I received this letter shortly after completing the 10th essay I had finished this week as a result of me deciding to finally apply myself to my schoolwork. Turns out that while dropping a class, I checked Drop All instead of Drop 1. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2018 13:30

Today, I was asleep in my back garden and woke up when a bird landed on my hat and took a big shit right in my open mouth. FML

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By anonymous - 12/8/2009 16:14 - Canada

Today, my 15-year-old daughter asked for a ride to her boyfriend's house. It's the same house I've been driving her to for sleepovers with her friend "Kate" for two years. FML

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By kjirut - 27/10/2009 18:49 - Norway

Today, I realized that the only thing I learned from my first serious relationship was how to fake an orgasm. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2011 11:06 - United Kingdom

Today, I was the designated driver. It was also my birthday party. FML

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By D.J. - 25/1/2014 01:34 - United States - Houston

Today, I ran into my apartment and let one rip, since I'd been holding it the whole elevator ride up. My parents had let themselves in while I was out, and laughed at me for a good 20 minutes. FML

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By verbaltodomestic - 8/9/2013 19:31 - United States - La Crosse

Today, I took my girlfriend to a public place before confessing that I've been seeing another woman, to avoid a dramatic scene. After being rushed to the hospital with a concussion and broken nose, I think it's safe to say my plan didn't go very well. FML

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By aceshot97 - 6/12/2011 14:33 - Canada

Today, I saw a 10 dollar bill on the street, as I went to grab it, it was pulled away by a string. I don't know what's worse, the fact that I was tricked by teenagers or that I tripped and fell as I went for it. FML

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By SwingingGallows - 15/7/2016 15:43

Today, I bought my mother an expensive TV she had been looking at. After I bought it, she continued browsing for more stuff. I told her I couldn't afford the extra items. She got mad and called me "selfish". FML

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By mizzy - 19/11/2009 21:14 - United States

Today, my four year old got mad that he couldn't find his favorite character on the Wii. So, he decided to smash the Wii remote into my $700 LCD TV, shattering the screen. That was the only TV in the house, and the $80 service plan I bought doesn't cover accidental damage. FML

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By curseyousuperman - 1/4/2015 16:20 - United States - Conway

Today, my self-esteem issues got me jealous of Superman's hair. FML

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By Embarassed - 10/9/2009 05:32 - Canada

Today, I got out of bed and went to the bathroom. At least, I thought I did, until I woke up to my pants, sheets, and boyfriend all soaking wet. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2010 08:00 - Australia

Today, after much thought and serious consideration, I nervously admitted to my boyfriend that I'm bisexual. The first thing that he said in response was: "Want a threesome?" FML

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By neverdateaclosetcase - 17/11/2010 18:16 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend asked me to meet his parents over Christmas. I was ecstatic. But there was one condition: I must go dressed as a girl since he hasn't worked up the nerve to come out to his parents yet. We've been dating for over a year. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2009 17:15 - United States

Today, my friend told me that he was having a scrabble tournament at his house with a bunch of our friends. I told my dad about the tournament and he gave me a special scrabble dictionary to bring. Hesitantly, I brought the dictionary and as I walked in everyone was playing beer pong. FML

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By DC - 8/2/2009 12:37 - United States

Today, my virgin guy friend told me he wanted me to be his first. I'm a guy. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2011 06:42 - United States

Today, I rode the public bus. When I got off, I put my hood up only to discover that the old man who sat behind me had used my hood as a trashcan for his gum and used Kleenex. I can't get the gum out of my hair. FML

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By Zero_TAlent_ - 29/3/2016 20:27 - United States - Gettysburg

Today, the drummer from my band stole the $200 deposit for our rental practice space and used it for a trip down to Maryland with his girlfriend. A few hours ago, my brother and I found him passed out in his cousin's house, very hungover. His first words to us were, "Can I borrow 20 bucks?" FML

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By purpleskylight - 27/6/2012 05:29 - United States - Lexington

Today, I tried for 45 minutes to convince my psychiatrist to take me off my antidepressant. When he finally agreed to do so, I broke down into tears and sobbed uncontrollably for 10 minutes. Hello, increased prescription. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/5/2014 22:06 - Canada - Oakville

Today, while driving home, some idiot kept tailgating me, so I slowed down, hoping he'd overtake me. He didn't, so I pulled to the side of the road. He did the same, in front of me. He kept toying with me until I crashed into another car trying to speed away from him. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2009 00:21 - United States

Today, I searched myself on Facebook. I have a fan page made by some girl in Wisconsin. She has pictures of me on it. Can you say stalker? FML

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By skinnyguy23 - 10/9/2014 22:40 - United States - Briarcliff Manor

Today, I received a package. When my mom asked what I had bought, I had told her that I had ordered dumbbells and was going to start lifting. She laughed her way into the kitchen. FML

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By gangstalicious - 8/5/2009 21:07 - United States

Today, I got the cell phone bill for my family and saw that my son had gone over his limit by around 1,000 messages. Curious to see what he was talking about that much, I read the messages. Apparently, my 15 year old son is having it off more than me and my wife. FML

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By CityBoysNow - 11/9/2013 00:14 - United States - Lake Saint Louis

Today, I hooked up with the guy I've liked for a while, even though my friends joked that his large pickup truck meant that he was "compensating" for having a small penis. They were right. Very right. FML

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By BeautifulDisastre - 23/12/2009 10:24 - United States

Today, I drove the six hours to LA to attend my Uncle's birthday party. When I tried to get off at the exit, it took me two hours just to get onto the street where the club was. By the time I showed up, the party was already over, so I ended up going to a Denny's. I drove eight hours for a Denny's. FML

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By bad karma - 21/11/2011 14:34 - United States

Today, I was so hungry that I literally stole candy from a baby. FML

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By nicegirl08 - 20/1/2009 22:47 - United States

Today, my boyfriend came to visit me for my birthday. Over dinner he handed me a blank card that had the words "I love you" hastily written on it. When the waiter came to take our order he informed him that we'd be paying separately. Happy Birthday. FML

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By BIGCHEIFAAA - 24/4/2013 04:55 - United States - Union City

Today, my seven-year-old nephew challenged me to a push up contest in front of my girlfriend. He beat me, and then asked my girlfriend why she's dating a pussy. FML

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By thrifty gone wrong - 28/1/2013 17:24 - United States - El Cajon

Today, I received a birthday present from a friend. It was the very same gift I gave to her for Christmas. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2010 02:09 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Why? Because apparently her friends have seen me hanging out with a hot girl, giving her long hugs and making her laugh. That "hot girl" is my sister, who got back from her study abroad a week ago. FML

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Top comments

By afdude87 | 6

#2641168 - Wednesday 8 June 2011 9:04

sounds like she's immature. probably shouldn't be bangin that kinda drama anyway.

By Emmy_The_Great | 2

#2641188 - Wednesday 8 June 2011 9:06

I bet the wasp was evilly laughing in the next room.

Comments

By texaslonghorn | 0

#2641123 - Wednesday 8 June 2011 8:58

she's gotta get back on and try again... it's not like she really fell off the horse this time

Reply

agSWAAAAG | 0

#2641201 - Wednesday 8 June 2011 9:07

Nahh a horse is too many...I was thinking along of the lines of a chihuahua

Reply

texaslonghorn | 0

#2641295 - Wednesday 8 June 2011 9:23

ya little wiener dog.. or just little wiener.

Reply

NYC_Yoshi | 3

#2642288 - Wednesday 8 June 2011 14:51

I fucking hate bees and wasps! You should have aimed your climax at it. Or swat it with your dick.

Reply

IceeCreamm | 7

#2642305 - Wednesday 8 June 2011 14:55

Good game bro

Reply

mfjkr | 10

#2643920 - Wednesday 8 June 2011 19:57

blue screen....reboot man REBOOT!

Reply

kisalycorsis34 | 0

#2644915 - Wednesday 8 June 2011 23:36

Now I don't have a penis, so correct me if I'm wrong, but wouldn't it hurt to use your penis as a flyswatter? I'm assuming that the wasp would get angry and sting you. Ya know, on your PENIS.

Reply

crymore007 | 11

#2645007 - Wednesday 8 June 2011 23:56

so you used to have a penis?

Reply

JumbledGirl | 2

#2648475 - Thursday 9 June 2011 17:12

in response to two above me, I don't have one either. it would be like getting punched in the boob with a javelin. with a needle ontop. so yes, it would hurt like a HOB KNOCKER!!!!

Reply

byrdie1006 | 2

#2838615 - Thursday 7 July 2011 15:58

not if you hit it from behind ;)

By ilovepoppa | 0

#2641147 - Wednesday 8 June 2011 9:02

Sorry but, lol(:

Reply

smellymellyy | 7

#2644165 - Wednesday 8 June 2011 20:53

i laughed mu ass off at this fml xD

Reply

feralphoenix | 4

#2644871 - Wednesday 8 June 2011 23:26

my*

By afdude87 | 6

#2641168 - Wednesday 8 June 2011 9:04

sounds like she's immature. probably shouldn't be bangin that kinda drama anyway.

Reply

gogowin12 | 0

#2644265 - Wednesday 8 June 2011 21:17

Yeah, I agree it is just an excuse. She is just a whiney Bitch.

By Olovio | 5

#2641185 - Wednesday 8 June 2011 9:05

Then make a creepy overaly-manly deep voices groan and see which one she likes better.

Reply

SteelCladAngel | 0

#2641286 - Wednesday 8 June 2011 9:21

he should innovate gorilla orgasm
sounds or pig noises! haha

Reply

staychill | 16

#2644088 - Wednesday 8 June 2011 20:34

yea it will even it out

Reply

xXMudkipNoobXx | 7

#3239749 - Monday 5 September 2011 15:12

i bet whoever read that comment tried to make that sound

By Emmy_The_Great | 2

#2641188 - Wednesday 8 June 2011 9:06

I bet the wasp was evilly laughing in the next room.

By Accept | 11

#2641206 - Wednesday 8 June 2011 9:08

'unmanly orgasm wail'
Sounds Hawt O:

Reply

penelopecruise | 2

#2641376 - Wednesday 8 June 2011 9:39

judging by your picture, you will be pregnant in 4 months. max.

Reply

klutzyduck1 | 24

#2641486 - Wednesday 8 June 2011 10:07

Ha ha ha, that really made me laugh, thanks.

Reply

CrazyGirl445 | 4

#2642147 - Wednesday 8 June 2011 14:09

7-I was thinking the same thing

Reply

SnailJamsss | 6

#2643060 - Wednesday 8 June 2011 17:09

hahaha!!

Reply

smellymellyy | 7

#2644178 - Wednesday 8 June 2011 20:55

he screamed like a little girl, it may be just me, but i would have burst out laughing. poor lad, the embarassment :')

Reply

bigboobies44 | 0

#2721938 - Monday 20 June 2011 10:57

hey we should text eachother

By ChiddyBANGr | 13

#2641239 - Wednesday 8 June 2011 9:11

Tell that woman that you just saved her from her untimely demise, and that she owes you a nice, mid-morning banging :)

By luvppl | 6

#2641240 - Wednesday 8 June 2011 9:11

think about the wasp!!! it must be emotionally scarred forever!!! lol

Reply

stevendsi | 0

#2645825 - Thursday 9 June 2011 3:18

wasps have feelings too you know

By iltoudemone | 0

#2641265 - Wednesday 8 June 2011 9:15

coulda at least said it was a hive of them instead of just one....

By ViciousFoxes | 0

#2641282 - Wednesday 8 June 2011 9:20

Not many relationships last after one party refuses to ever bang the other one again. What's up with all the crazy girlfriend fmls lately?

Reply

imcutefml | 0

#2643232 - Wednesday 8 June 2011 17:47

hot gf = crazy or bitchy step mom
usually.....