Geek: Today, my friends told me they will be unable to attend my birthday... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 103

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00

Spicy

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 435

You deserved it 54

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 518

You deserved it 142

14/05/2015 02:55

Today, my friends told me they will be unable to attend my birthday party on Friday because they'll be watching the Vampire Diaries finale. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 504

You deserved it 3 464

And today, on Dr Phil…

Dysfunctional

Stop talking!

14/07/2018 19:00

Today, I almost died after getting an epidural in my neck. The medicine paralyzed my entire body, including my diaphragm and lungs. The doctor tried to say it was a panic attack. I had turned blue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 024

You deserved it 219

17/08/2014 10:19

Today, I went camping with my husband not too far from our house. We got our tent pitched up, stove ready and roll-out bed out. He then said, "I'm just gonna go for a walk." It had been about an hour before I decided to go find him. He had walked home to play CoD. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 356

You deserved it 5 571

03/08/2013 04:31

Today, I learned a few things. One: friends are assholes. Two: under no circumstance do you close your eyes when they ask you to. Three: getting kicked in the balls hurts a lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 368

You deserved it 22 097

Dogbowl

By NoOrdinaryNZer - 27/07/2015 09:25

Today, I got the last clean bowl out of the cupboard for a bowl of cereal. After I had finished, my family asked me if I had cleaned it first. It turns out that that specific bowl is apparently the dog's, and everyone just puts it back after feeding him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 686

You deserved it 5 465

06/10/2011 04:40

Today, my husband gave my cellphone number to his most obnoxious, creepiest friend. I've been drunken-dialed five times already. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 509

You deserved it 2 768

11/03/2010 21:07

Today, my mom told me she can't wait for me to turn eighteen so she can turn my room into a place for her to display all her antique glass dolls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 484

You deserved it 2 495

Burning rubber

By Anonymous - 16/05/2021 00:01

Today, I bought a car that literally caught fire seconds after I started the engine. The dealership then fobbed me off, saying I'd driven it off their forecourt (by about 3 yards), so it was entirely my problem, but they still expect my monthly payments to be on time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 081

You deserved it 70

23/09/2011 13:48

Today, I had my car valeted at my hotel. The manager came out, took my keys, and said the car would be waiting for me in an hour. I was then forced to watch from the lobby as the "manager" sped off downtown. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 825

You deserved it 6 148

02/08/2016 11:18

Today, my boss signed and sent me back my timesheet. He named the PDF file "Timeshit". Now I don't know whether he's terrible at spelling, or just expressed his view of my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 667

You deserved it 1 218

27/03/2012 02:36

Today, I got pulled into a conversation about my 62 year old boss's new breast implants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 815

You deserved it 2 317

14/05/2019 14:00

Today, I spent 4 hours making a cheesecake for my brother's girlfriend, which she begged me for a week to make. After my oven breaking and having to buy a new hand mixer, she tells me she's not going to eat it because this morning she decided to try being a vegan because, "it sounds interesting." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 172

You deserved it 183

Taking advantage

By Stigmamma - 28/06/2020 05:06

Today, after 3 months of my man claiming he's going to start eating better "next week", he finally went on a diet. What changed? I started eating healthy while trying for a baby. He is "supporting me" by getting me to do extra meal prep for him too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 241

You deserved it 261

Kids are assholes

By ohnomommy - 03/03/2020 06:01

Today, I was in line at a gas station with my 3-year-old daughter. A "little person" was in line in front of us, buying a pack of cigarettes. My daughter yelled, "No little boy! Only grown ups can smoke." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 784

You deserved it 185

28/03/2012 04:16

Today, I was adjusting my nose piercing from the inside. My mother saw and thought I was picking my nose, so she slapped my hand away, tearing my nose ring out in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 430

You deserved it 9 007

15/07/2013 23:36

Today, I knocked over a display case at a mall, shattering hundreds of dollars in goods. Embarrassed, I tried to scurry out of the nearest door without being seen. I scuttled right into the janitor's closet, the door automatically locking behind me. I waited for an hour to be let out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 041

You deserved it 48 647

Shut down

By Anonymous - 21/11/2020 23:03

Today, I finished an exam in physics class. It counts for 40% of our grade. As I handed my paper in to my teacher, she said to the whole class while talking about me, "You did this wrong; this isn't how you do it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 794

You deserved it 95

23/11/2014 17:10

Today, I have to deal with being laughed at by my mother and sister, because they keep making sharp movements towards me, causing me to flinch. This is because I got mugged and beaten last night. They think it's hysterical. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 743

You deserved it 3 048

02/02/2016 10:06

Today, I got to work and saw a new desk had been setup on stilts. 'Oh, who got the standing desk?' I asked. Turns out it's for the guy in the wheelchair who was right behind me. It needs to be high so the controls of his wheelchair can fit under the desk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 558

You deserved it 3 818

19/01/2011 03:40

Today, my friends thought it'd be funny to hold lighters under the smoke alarms while I was sleeping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 779

You deserved it 3 157

27/08/2012 22:16

Today, I went to see my orthodontist. He informed me that I have an underbite and I will probably need braces again. I just had them taken off last year, after five and a half years of oral hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 433

You deserved it 2 060

04/06/2013 17:15

Today, I took a dump in the woods at a secluded lake. I used the leaves of a seemingly harmless tree to clean myself. However, I was unaware that the leaf was poisonous. It feels like a thousand hornets are attacking my ass-crack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 503

You deserved it 51 893

06/11/2016 16:31

Today, I was talking to my best friend about how much of an asshole my ex-boyfriend is. After about 2 hours of non-stop bitching, turns out she's actually dating him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 937

You deserved it 1 428

05/10/2009 15:45

Today, one of my best friends went into labor 14 days early. I'd told my boss previously about this and that I need to be there for my friend as she doesn't really have any family. My boss will not let me leave work to be there. Why? I didn't give enough notice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 974

You deserved it 3 346

29/09/2015 22:00

Today, I was having lunch and I started throwing crumbs at my friend at the other table. Then I accidentally hit the kid next to him. He got really mad and came over and hit me in the shoulder with a brick. A brick. He just had a brick in his bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 619

You deserved it 9 086

04/06/2010 09:28

Today, I was getting ready for my first day at work. Right before leaving the house I decided to brush my teeth thoroughly one more time to have a fresh breath. While cleaning my tongue I went too far which made me throw up. I was 20 min late for my work. Good start. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 167

You deserved it 28 287

07/10/2017 01:30

Today, while pulling out of my work parking lot, I had a piping hot coffee tossed at me through my passenger window. I don't know if I was more amazed by this guy's exquisite aim or the fact that his coffee was so sweet I tasted the diabetes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 948

You deserved it 222

17/02/2009 07:01

Today, I told my mom I want to try out for American Idol. She responded with, "You don't take disappointment well." FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 314

You deserved it 30 771

10/06/2014 02:46

Today, I returned home after a four day weekend at my parents' house. Upon entering by the front door, a horrid stench assaulted my nose. Hours later I still cannot find the source of the foul odor. I'm starting to wonder if this is how it's always smelled without my knowing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 891

You deserved it 6 912

19/10/2009 17:02

Spicy

Today, I finally got intimate with my girlfriend, the girl of my dreams. I undressed and, ready to step in bed with her, I see her staring at 'it'. Which was quickly followed by laughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 022

You deserved it 3 733

02/03/2015 13:26

Today, I fell out of a window while trying to close it so no one would fall out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 456

You deserved it 4 715

10/11/2016 18:44

Today, I was eating chicken noodle soup for my lunch. It was perfect until the last bite when it went down the wrong pipe. Choking, I coughed up what I'd already eaten. In front of my coworkers, and all over myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 224

You deserved it 763

03/03/2015 02:03

Today, it's been almost 2 months since I moved into my new place, and it's the first time a girl has slept in my bed. I also slept on my new couch for the first time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 986

You deserved it 4 302

24/05/2019 22:00

Today, I overheard the popular kids say that they were planning on going to the local fast food restaurant to take pictures of the obese people that go there. Not only do I work there, but my family and I were planning on having dinner there tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 866

You deserved it 314

10/05/2019 12:00

Today, me, my boyfriend and his family stayed at an AirBnB while on a trip. While I was doing my makeup, my boyfriend told me he was going to take a shower. A few minutes later, I went in the bathroom to shave my legs thinking my boyfriend was in there, but his dad was in the shower, scrubbing his ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 558

You deserved it 570

Harsh

By SkipBeatOtaku - 29/08/2020 23:02

Today, my estranged father died. No one bothered to tell me, and the only reason I found out was because his wife texted my sister. When I asked about the service, I was told I was no welcome in the state he had lived in, because I was no longer family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 439

You deserved it 314

All weddings are themed

By Anonymous - 01/07/2020 20:08

Today, I went to pick up my wedding dress from the seamstress, only to find out that my fiancé called two weeks ago to say I wanted the dress "tie-dyed to match our new theme." She believed him. Our wedding is tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 829

You deserved it 212

23/07/2015 17:29

Today, an attractive man hit on me for the first time since I ended my 3-year relationship with my cheating ex. Then the man told me he'd just gotten out of prison last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 961

You deserved it 2 762

17/09/2016 21:20

Today, I wanted to take a nap after cleaning my apartment, so I put the trash outside the front door and put a note on the door for my roommate, saying, "Please take the trash out when you leave for work." When I woke up, the note was gone but the trash was still there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 316

You deserved it 1 953

Decisions, decisions

By Anonymous - 24/09/2021 11:00

Today, I'm in hell. I'm mentally and physically exhausted, but if I sleep more than 6 hours, I get crippling migraines. FML

I agree, your life sucks 823

You deserved it 58

19/02/2011 05:41

Today, I went to a party 40 minutes away by bus with some friends. We missed the bus, waited half an hour for the second, and arrived just in time to hear the policemen say, "Party's over. Get outta here." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 117

You deserved it 8 054

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Thursday 14 May 2015 19:12

Throw a vampire diaries party and then everyone will come!

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Thursday 14 May 2015 19:11

Good friends...

Comments

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Thursday 14 May 2015 19:10

priorities

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Thursday 14 May 2015 19:20

What kind of friends would do that?

shemademedoit 20

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Thursday 14 May 2015 19:53

the fake ones

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Thursday 14 May 2015 20:40

Ones that don't know how to freaking record shows.

Zebediabolical 39

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Thursday 14 May 2015 21:14

The ones who are planning a surprise party for the day after the finale.

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Thursday 14 May 2015 23:41

But still after the finale... Because the finale is the most important part.

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Thursday 14 May 2015 19:11

Good friends...

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Saturday 16 May 2015 8:11

It's 2015 dvr is a thing. Tell them for record it. But if they'll miss your party for a show as shitty as that they aren't your friends anyway

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Thursday 14 May 2015 19:12

Throw a vampire diaries party and then everyone will come!

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Thursday 14 May 2015 19:16

Woo! I'll bring the blood!

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Thursday 14 May 2015 19:28

I'll get the wooden stakes!

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Thursday 14 May 2015 20:58

We're holding on and letting go...!

lux_final_spark 18

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Thursday 14 May 2015 21:41

don't forget the garlic bread!!

Girlshotdown1 21

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Thursday 14 May 2015 22:57

i bring the vervain!

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Friday 15 May 2015 2:51

I'll bring fake teeth

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Friday 15 May 2015 2:51

OP shouldn't have to rearrange her birthday plans just so her "friends" will be there.

I_Bite 22

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Friday 15 May 2015 7:46

well aren't you a treat! :)

ughvictoriaxd 12

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Saturday 16 May 2015 8:02

I'll bring Nina Dobrev so we can beg her to come back

Rainbow2Cloud 12

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Thursday 14 May 2015 19:14

Tell them that after/while celebrating your birthday everyone will sit down and watch the finale. :)

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Thursday 14 May 2015 19:18

But the finale's on Thursday!

Cass_x 22

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Thursday 14 May 2015 19:21

Exactly what I wanted to say! If they were looking for an excuse, the least they could do is come up with a good one! To OP; find better friends. And an early happy birthday!

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Friday 15 May 2015 6:13

Op should watch it Thursday and spoil it for them in a bunch of mass texts.

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Friday 15 May 2015 16:19

If she is in any other country other than America, than it would be Friday. As I am in Australia and had to wait until Friday because of the time difference and the wait on airing/downloading.

Cass_x 22

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Friday 15 May 2015 19:03

#88, true (I live in Belgium myself). But on the other hand; it doesn't take a whole day to watch an episode

sturschaedel 27

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Thursday 14 May 2015 19:19

So? Tell them to record it. It's your birthday, and recording devices exist for a reason!

swimthenread27 19

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Thursday 14 May 2015 19:20

The finale is on Thursday, not Friday.. Your friends are either lying to you or are just idiots.

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Thursday 14 May 2015 19:20

I love how I read this and was watching the vampire diaries at the same time lol

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Thursday 14 May 2015 19:21

Wait, Nina Dobrev is coming off T.V??? THANKS OBAMA.

Cass_x 22

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Thursday 14 May 2015 19:22

Yup, and Michael Trevino is also leaving.

tylerbobsquare 13

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Thursday 14 May 2015 19:21

Mine's on Friday too!