Today, my friend was extremely constipated when he used my toilet....

By Anonymous

Today, my friend was extremely constipated when he used my toilet. I'm now having to go buy a new toothbrush, because he used mine to dig out his shit. FML

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Proactive

Spooky

They're everywhere

By Anonymous - Malaysia

Today, I came to a realization that the closest people to me in my life, the ones who are warm and welcoming, who're happy to see me, who honestly wanna know how I've been and how I feel, whose smiles make me feel warm and fuzzy inside, are the baristas at Starbucks, not my actual 'friends'. FML

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By BadLuckBetty - United States - Millville

Today, after weeks of flirting with the hot guy at the gym, he finally asked me to meet up with him outside. I was diagnosed with strep throat just hours before our date. FML

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By Hairylass - United States

Today, I realized that I have an odd habit of plucking the tiny white hairs on my upper lip when I am overly stressed. But only the right side. I noticed when examining my face and seeing they'd all come back black. I've got half a mustache. I'm female. FML

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By hcfan - Australia

Today, a customer came in to the Pizza store where I work and complained that the food they had purchased had a strand of black hair in it. After some deliberation, my boss decided to fire me. He is the only staff member there with black hair. I shaved my hair 2 weeks ago. FML

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By Lizz - United States

Today, I got up the courage to go to my very first voice lesson. I thought I did alright, but at the end my teacher told me, "Now don't worry about grades in this class, I grade on effort, not on talent." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took an afternoon nap, and when I woke up, it was pitch black outside. Still groggy, I went downstairs, only to see my dad sporting a shocked expression and a suspiciously powder-white beard. He actually almost convinced me that I'd just woken up from a five year coma. FML

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By pain - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got a splinter in my shop class. The teacher dug at it with tweezers for a while, then told me that my best bet would be to wait until the wound got infected and formed a bunch of pus around the splinter to force it out. It's in my dominant hand's palm. FML

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By Xtine - United States

Today, while on the road I saw a turtle in the middle of the other lane. I slammed on my brakes and got out, holding up and pissing off several drivers on both sides of the highway. Getting closer to the turtle, I realized that it was not a turtle at all, but a very large pile of dog shit. FML

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By Anonymous - Philippines

Today, I wanted to do something special for my upcoming second anniversary with my girlfriend, so I decided to make a short animation of our lives together since we were preschoolers. In the middle of working on the storyboard, she called and broke up with me. FML

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By Anonymous - Bulgaria - Sofia

Today, my son finally got a job for the first time in his life. He only did it so he can upgrade his PC and buy Overwatch. He's 24. FML

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By BasicallySodaFlavoredWater - United States - San Francisco

Today, my parents decided that the best way to save money was to dilute everything we drank with water. Only one more year of watered down soda and juice to go. FML

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By JamesFuckingBond - United States - Burlington

Today, I dropped my wedding ring on the carpet. Just as I was about to pick it up, my Roomba sucked it up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I cut my finger open with a spoon. After waiting for 4 hours in the emergency room, the doctor told me I was missing too much flesh to qualify for stitches. He then called 2 other doctors in to examine it. Apparently they had a contest for patient with most ridiculous injury. I won. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, during a blowjob, my girlfriend decided to try something new by squeezing my balls as hard as she could as I came, for a "more intense orgasm". All she gave me was a ruptured testicle. FML

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By higagram - United States

Today, I bumped into a lady in the New Jersey airport. After I politely apologized she said, "Watch your step, asshole." FML

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By Single Again - 7/3/2020 06:11

Cunning

Today, my best friend called me to cancel our mall plans. I could hear that she was watching a movie in the background. I then called my boyfriend to see if he was busy, and I could hear the same movie in the background. FML

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By Ihatecleaning

Today, I found out from the doctor that I have a concussion. Was it from a wicked sports injury? No, my idiot brother decided to judo kick the door open while I was on the floor vacuuming the front carpet. FML

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By kingkobrastrikes - United States

Today, I was asleep and snored so loud that I woke myself up. I was at work and I am now the laughing stock of the office. FML

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By SadFace - United States

Today, my looks alone made a girl cry. FML

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By honeynuggetviolin

Today, I spent hours playing my guitar and singing in the street, hoping to make some extra cash. About 3 hours in, I realized some punk had been walking around with a hat taking money as if he was with me. FML

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By Megan - United Kingdom - Neath

Today, I was forced to listen and politely nod with a smile on my face, as my boss droned on and on, explaining that everything in the universe is slowly getting bigger, aside from him, because he's never felt so short before. FML

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By The Draught of Living Death

Today, I shared an elevator alone with an attractive co-worker. On our way up, she let out a loud, noxious rip. She covered her nose and mouth while giving me an accusing look, as I said with a straight face, "Excuse you." Later, I received a note from HR for harassment. FML

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By Bob - United States

Today, while teaching at a daycare, a child came up to me and asked if he could go to the bathroom. Obviously, I said it was fine. He then pulled his pants down, and pee on my brand new shoes, and all over my leg. FML

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By silentsuzie - United States

Today, I realized I can never live with my fiancée. A childhood of systematic teasing, abuse, and humiliation has made me terrified to use a bathroom around a guy if there's the slightest chance I can be heard, seen, or even have anyone know what I'm up to. Therapy has yet to fix anything. FML

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By MyS3lf - United States

Today, I woke up to a strange sound that sounded like a lot of water being poured into a sink. It was actually my father in law using the bathtub as a toilet. He's staying with us, and is showing no signs of leaving any time soon. He thinks this is acceptable behavior. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Eugene

Today, I knocked an old-school slide carousel off my desk, scattering nearly 100 individual slides everywhere, including the specific slides my professor asked me to digitally scan, which were placed carefully on top. None of them are numbered. FML

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By thanks for the $5 gift voucher - United States - Randleman

Today, my parents bought my 11-year-old brother a MacBook for my birthday. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, what was meant to be a fun hour-long paddle with a friend turned into a 5 hour ordeal involving a coast guard helicopter, an ambulance, a hospital visit and a ruined canoe. FML

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By Idiot - United States

Today, while watching a movie with my girlfriend, I had to go to the bathroom. As I returned, I thought it would be cute to jump over the side of the couch and land next to her. I accidentally landed on her arm and broke her wrist. It wasn't as cute as I expected. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my little sister thought it would be funny to send my girlfriend a text saying I cheated on her and wanted to break up. Her response was "lol whatever I've been fucking Steve for like a month anyway". Steve is my brother, and he won't admit or deny it. FML

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By Anonymous - France - Paris

Today, my 7-year-old son proudly announced that he had laid an egg during the night. I checked. He'd simply shat the bed. FML

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By FarewellRalphs

Today, I went grocery shopping with my grandmother. Our bagger offered to help load our groceries, to which my grandmother replied, "Oh, what a nice young colored boy." FML

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By forever alone - Germany - Apolda

Today, my boyfriend told me that we wouldn't move in together as we had planned to do for a long time. His mother forbade it. He is 27. FML

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By John - Saint Lucia

Today, I discovered that it is possible for bugs to lay eggs in your ears. FML

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By wrongguy - United States - Raleigh

Today, my boyfriend woke me up the same way he always does, by pulling on my hair. Just to be playful, I pulled him down on top of me and kissed him. Turns out his brother thought it would be funny to wake people up the same way. FML

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By jared576

Not lovin' it

Today, I got kicked out of McDonalds for "skating" on the floor. The skating was actually me slipping on the wet floor and smacking my head into a table then getting bitched at for leaving blood on the floor. FML

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By bTOhno - United States

Today, I woke up at my girlfriend's house. She was staring at me, holding a knife over my face. She ran away, giggling. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was pulled over and administered a sobriety test due to an officer's suspicion that I was driving under the influence. I was completely sober, and, apparently, I suck at driving. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, at the beach, my boyfriend picked me up and carried me over his shoulder. I felt my bikini top come undone in the process. I panicked and pulled down on his shorts. We were fined for indecent exposure. FML

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By fired - United States - Portland

Today, I really had to pee while babysitting. Normally this isn't a problem, except the kids were sleeping and going potty would wake them up right before their parents were due home. Desperate, I decided to pee in a cup in the kitchen and wash it down the sink. Their parents came home mid-stream. FML

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Top comments

By King K | 2

#7831246 - Tuesday 13 August 2019 20:34

That’s not a friend...

By chyiochan | 31

#7831381 - Tuesday 13 August 2019 21:38

Wait, you don't have a poop knife?

COMMENTS

By King K | 2

#7831246 - Tuesday 13 August 2019 20:34

That’s not a friend...

hereforfmls | 17

#7832316 - Wednesday 14 August 2019 19:46

a real friend would say hey dont use your tooth brush I gotta get you one

By cardin06 | 15

#7831258 - Tuesday 13 August 2019 20:40

What??? How??? Why???

By chyiochan | 31

#7831381 - Tuesday 13 August 2019 21:38

Wait, you don't have a poop knife?

HokieJ | 9

#7831803 - Wednesday 14 August 2019 1:02

I think you're thinking about the wrong hole

Major_Haywire | 7

#7832061 - Wednesday 14 August 2019 3:11

I don’t think he was digging it out of the toilet, it hadn’t reached that far

chyiochan | 31

#7832243 - Wednesday 14 August 2019 14:53

Well, anything can be a digger if you're brave enough!

By Mar Zammit | 4

#7831419 - Tuesday 13 August 2019 21:57

What a shitty situation, and I mean it literally xD. You should have made him buy you the new toothbrush real friends do not dig shit with their tooth brush.

By LostSoul | 19

#7831426 - Tuesday 13 August 2019 22:00

Dump the friend. If you don't, anything that happens next is on you.

By RichardPencil | 29

#7831444 - Tuesday 13 August 2019 22:06

With friends like that, who needs enemas?

Thank you very much! Good night!

By slowhandjp | 16

#7831470 - Tuesday 13 August 2019 22:17

Which side did he use?

By Maureen Preston | 2

#7831571 - Tuesday 13 August 2019 23:04

That must of hurt like hell no ditch he’s ass

By Lily_Rain77 | 25

#7831965 - Wednesday 14 August 2019 2:24

I don't think you know what a "friend" is...

By spillmybeans1 | 5

#7832116 - Wednesday 14 August 2019 3:44

I hope you didn't find out the hard way. I hope you found out by him telling you.