Today, I decided I didn't care about my pride, and so I asked... - FML

By ConnorFails - 12/5/2009 01:25 - United States

Today, I decided I didn't care about my pride, and so I asked this girl out in a text. After an hour of no response I asked again. Later I got a text saying, "I'm sorry, This is Emily's mom. Emily isn't here at the moment, but if I were you, I wouldn't ask again." I was rejected by her mom. FML

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The student becomes the master

Vultures

Don't give up

By Anonymous - 24/8/2015 04:25 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my husband and I locked our keys in the car. Our only spare is in the drawer with all our sex toys. So we either had to get our oldest go in the drawer and get them to bring to us or walk the 12 miles home. My feet will never recover from that walk. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2016 21:15 - Finland - Kouvola

Today, I was in a clothing store with my girlfriend. I saw the ugliest hat ever on a hat shelf, tried it on and said to my girlfriend, "Look at this ugly hat, it's absolutely horrible. It's even dirty." An old woman stood next to me said, "Well no wonder it's ugly, it's mine." FML

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By migsman - 15/9/2010 02:43 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me to stop saying "I love you" so much because it's starting to annoy her. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/12/2010 16:19 - United Kingdom

Today, the highlight of my day was someone prank-calling me. FML

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By llostinreality - 30/9/2018 07:00 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, the blinker on my car was broken so I decided to play it safe and drive a different car to work. I guess it wouldn’t have mattered which car I drove, as the cop nicely told me one of the headlights was out when he pulled me over. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/4/2020 05:00

Stuck in the past

Today, I found out my boyfriend still writes Twilight fan fiction. FML

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By unnamed - 26/7/2011 03:19 - United States

Today, I called my seven-year old son to help me with the ice-maker on the fridge because it wasn't working. Without even pausing, he turned the child lock off and started laughing at me. FML

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By CoA - 6/9/2016 11:40 - United States - Dekalb

Today, at my new job, I realized I have been spending too much time with just my cat. As I passed some coworkers in the hall, I nodded and gave them the "slow blink of trust" that is used with cats. FML

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By Carrie - 28/3/2020 02:00

Stuck in the middle with you

Today, I had to beg and argue with my boyfriend to get him to take a shower and brush his teeth. This has become a recurring argument now we're confined together. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2016 20:53 - United States - Central Islip

Today, the guy I've been crushing on at work finally asked me out to lunch. I was nervous we wouldn't have anything to talk about. He spent the entire hour talking about how amazing his new girlfriend is. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/3/2013 18:05 - United States

Today, my boyfriend found out about my severe phobia of moths. It's so bad that I sometimes pass out. He caught a moth in a jar, and put it on my bedside table. I woke up, saw it, and had a panic attack. He recorded it all and wants to upload it to YouTube. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2009 10:28 - United States

Today, we sparred for Tae Kwon Do. I forgot my cup, but I didn't think anyone sucked enough to hit me below the belt. 5 seconds into a match, some girl knees me in the happy sacks. After writhing in pain for 30 seconds, I got back up to spar. I didn't think she sucked enough to do it again. She did. FML

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By JulesBlues - 9/7/2019 06:00

Today, I sat in my doctor's office and broke down, crying and shaking, with a blood pressure of 190, getting off my chest everything that has gone wrong in my life lately. To which the doctor, well into her sixties, replied, "My goodness, I've never met anyone with so many problems!" FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2014 02:51 - United States - Landenberg

Today, I downloaded Grindr to my phone. It also downloaded to my mom's phone, my dad's phone, and my brother's phone. FML

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By Chuffy - 4/11/2012 07:28 - United States - Fort Collins

Today, to help me get over my crippling social anxiety, my therapist encouraged me to sing in front of a crowd, since I actually have a fine singing voice. I ended up fainting onstage, mid-song. FML

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By brokebackanus - 18/12/2015 14:15 - United States - Detroit

Today, while jailbreaking my dad's phone, I found out the hard way that it's jam-packed full of my mom's nudes. FML

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By I_Lossed - 3/11/2009 11:02 - Australia

Today, I asked my girlfriend about a diamond necklace I bought her for her birthday, which she didn't seem to be wearing. She then told me she hocked it to pay for her inexpensive phone bill. I paid $1,500 for that necklace, she received $300 from the pawn shop. FML

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By NotYourLady - 4/9/2009 06:23 - Canada

Today, I was babysitting a boy who was 11 years old. He told me that he loved me and wanted to be my boyfriend. I told him that I think he is a really great kid but I'm 17 so it would never work out. He said okay. When his parents came home he told them that I hit him and started crying. FML

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By Brittany - 3/2/2010 05:03 - United States

Today, after calling my boyfriend and telling him that my dog had just died, he hesitated and stuttered "She was old, sick, and suffering. Babe, it was her time to go." He then informed me he had to go to his friend's house and hung up. My dog was 2, in great health, and was hit by a car. FML

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By BadDay - 20/9/2016 05:04 - Australia - Beerwah

Today, being a little stressed, I managed to lock my keys inside my car. I was taking this fairly calmly until, while waiting for roadside assistance, I overheard another woman in the same carpark say, "No, of course I didn't lock my keys in the car! I'm not a COMPLETE idiot." FML

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By nothealthy - 29/3/2016 04:51 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, my sister called after she found out I was hospitalized with surgery complications. Worried about me? Wondering if I'm okay? Nope. Just mad that I texted her an update rather than calling. I didn't call because I had surgery on my throat and can't speak. FML

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By misstree - 7/9/2009 08:23 - Singapore

Today, I got annoyed with my mum stopping in her tracks each time she needed to reply to a text message. I tried to show her that you can walk and text at the same time. I ended up falling into a drain. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/5/2013 20:12 - United States

Today, I called my mother to tell her that I got engaged. In the 15 minute conversation that followed, 13 were spent listening to how this is going to affect her. FML

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By lonelygirl - 17/8/2012 23:33 - United States - Circleville

Today, I bought the only cat on Earth that doesn't like chasing after a laser dot. Goodbye, hours of sick, sick entertainment. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/11/2010 18:10 - United Kingdom

Today, my mum and I decided to go on a hike. Beforehand we left my car at the end of the trail and took my mums car to the beginning. After 4 hours we arrived at my car. I had left my keys in mums car. It was a long walk back. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2010 02:25 - Canada

Today, I walked in on my parents necking in the living room. I promptly covered my eyes and muttered something about my innocence being stolen from me. My dad looked up from the couch, and mentioned that he had heard my innocence being stolen by Jake, my boyfriend from 2 years ago. FML

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By failure - 10/10/2013 14:11 - Korea, Republic of - Seoul

Today, my boss brought her cat to work. At one point, I looked up and everyone was staring at me staring at the cat's asshole. FML

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By abygalee - 10/7/2016 20:42 - United States - Akron

Today, my mom hadn't talked to me for 5 days, so worried sick I called my grandpa. She's been in jail, and no one cared to inform me. Great. FML

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By Michelle - 17/10/2013 11:51 - Australia - Richmond

Today, my boyfriend told me that I have the bad habit of not doing the dishes before he has his daily piss in the sink. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/1/2011 18:35 - United States

Today, my extremely lazy roommate is in bed with the flu. Instead of getting up to get water, he's run the garden hose through his window, and instead of going to the bathroom, he's connected a siphon to his penis and run it to a 5-gallon bucket. I have to live with this idiot. FML

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By voltronn - 23/1/2010 05:04 - France

Today, I had to lie to my boyfriend about having plans on tonight so he'd think I had a life outside of him. All my "friends" are going to a party. I'm not invited. FML

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By wow - 15/4/2013 18:36 - Russian Federation - Saint Petersburg

Today, my husband of 6 years said in a grave voice that he had some important news for me. Jokingly, I said, "Why, did you get that cute colleague of yours pregnant?" He did. FML

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By BroadwayBaby1997 - 17/9/2016 15:26 - United States - Mission

Today, I've had more crushes on fictional characters than actual people. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/4/2011 08:42 - United States

Today, my dog decided to chase a smaller dog for three blocks. When I finally caught up with him, he laid down and refused to go anywhere. I had to carry my 80 pounds Labrador like a baby all the way home. FML

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By JacktheRussian - 8/4/2013 00:33 - United States

Today, I saw a very attractive young woman struggling with some boxes. The seduction attempt resulted in me carrying 60lbs of items for 30mins. When we got to her apartment, she thanked me and introduced me to her boyfriend. FML

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By Lena - 27/3/2009 04:07 - United States

Today, I got a small scar on my faced removed at a plastic surgeon's. Afterward, I told my mom that losing the scar felt weird, like I lost something that gave me character. My mom replied, "Don't worry, you have plenty of other flaws to give you character." FML

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By Anonymous - 23/12/2010 10:04 - United States

Today, I got fired from my job. My manager found Facebook pictures of me drinking underage at a party. He said he didn't want "that kind of image" associated with the business. It was his birthday party. He supplied the booze. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/2/2011 21:14 - United Kingdom

Today, I was on the phone to a guy I really like from work. We'd been talking for about 2 minutes, when he said he was getting another call, and put me on hold. I was so excited to be on the phone with him, it took me a whole 15 minutes to realise he had actually just hung up on me. FML

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By IRum - 11/8/2011 08:45 - Russian Federation

Today, my three year old sister asked me to go to the amusement park with her. Since I was late for work, I politely refused and said we'd go tomorrow. She punched me in the nuts so hard that I could barely walk. FML

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By issy - 21/9/2009 05:31 - United States

Today, while taking a shower in the dorm bathroom, my roommate thought it would be funny to steal my towel, robe, and key. I spent over an hour waiting for someone to come into the bathroom so I could ask them to bring me something to cover up. FML

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Top comments

By Merlin_44 | 0

#190968 - Tuesday 12 May 2009 9:44

Oh damn. are you sure that was even her? or just pretending!

By mojo_jojo | 0

#190991 - Tuesday 12 May 2009 9:55

Your first mistake was asking a girl out by text message. Seriously, grow a pair and ask her out face-to-face.

Comments

By Merlin_44 | 0

#190968 - Tuesday 12 May 2009 9:44

Oh damn. are you sure that was even her? or just pretending!

Reply

SarahPicc | 3

#1519212 - Saturday 9 October 2010 1:26

ha.! it was her.

Reply

ttorigibson | 2

#1973462 - Sunday 16 January 2011 14:32

yeah I doubt it was really the mum.

Reply

THEsuperMANLYman | 10

#5566130 - Thursday 4 July 2013 22:54

Lol, good thing you didnt care about your pride ;)

Reply

SugarRush905 | 15

#6651521 - Sunday 17 July 2016 2:46

dats what I was about to say!!!

By smelinapants | 0

#190970 - Tuesday 12 May 2009 9:45

Maybe it was Emma, and didn't want to hurt you?

Reply

Philosophic | 0

#918189 - Saturday 6 March 2010 5:52

This Emma.. who is she?

Reply

iLuvFml5 | 0

#964391 - Friday 19 March 2010 20:50

I thought her name was Emily...

By beanerkid | 0

#190975 - Tuesday 12 May 2009 9:48

I had to ask this girl out on a dare
her mom answered the phone and I did it anyway
i got rejected by her mom and her later when her mom told her the story
hahaha

Reply

rarr | 0

#2164092 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 5:23

Ass, you are pathetic.

By EmUhLee | 0

#190979 - Tuesday 12 May 2009 9:48

I'm wondering if that was really her mom or not.

But anyway it goes, that's funny, 'cause my name's Emily and my friends sent that exact text to a guy a few weeks ago when he kept texting me asking me out.

Reply

nutella11_fml | 2

#4272659 - Saturday 7 April 2012 21:02

My mom did that to a guy before too and my names Emily bahah

By rukiafujioka | 0

#190982 - Tuesday 12 May 2009 9:51

I'm sorry, that sucks! But it was probably not actually her mom, just her pretending.

By mojo_jojo | 0

#190991 - Tuesday 12 May 2009 9:55

Your first mistake was asking a girl out by text message. Seriously, grow a pair and ask her out face-to-face.

By mattmag | 0

#190992 - Tuesday 12 May 2009 9:56

At least you acknowledge that you were being an idiot by asking a girl out over text. Maybe she'd say yes if you talked to her in person or at least called.

By Jimboom | 11

#190993 - Tuesday 12 May 2009 9:57

Damm right. Ask her to her face. The problem with Text's and e-mails is it is impossible to convey your body language and tone from them.
Do it in person or not at all!

By rrjr010 | 0

#190994 - Tuesday 12 May 2009 9:58

"Uh.. I REALLY like you A LOT. SO MUCH that I am sending you a text message!"

By 3reezee | 0

#190996 - Tuesday 12 May 2009 9:59

faairly positive it was her. lying through text is easy as, so is asking out
coward