Love: Today, I decided I didn't care about my pride, and so I asked... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 103

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00

Spicy

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 440

You deserved it 54

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 519

You deserved it 143

12/05/2009 01:25

Today, I decided I didn't care about my pride, and so I asked this girl out in a text. After an hour of no response I asked again. Later I got a text saying, "I'm sorry, This is Emily's mom. Emily isn't here at the moment, but if I were you, I wouldn't ask again." I was rejected by her mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 974

You deserved it 17 046

The smell detective is on the case

Another great day to be alive

Cognitive dissonance

26/10/2016 06:42

Today, my sister made a comment about my small boobs. I told her I'm actually a C cup, and she told me she "can't even C them". I just got roasted with a fucking pun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 630

You deserved it 1 308

11/02/2019 10:00

Today, I received my fourth rejection email from McDonald's after applying for one position with them a few weeks ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 018

You deserved it 301

09/04/2009 00:34

Today, I got all my co-workers motivated. We were all going to quit and walk out the door. I went first. I gave an emotional speech to my boss and threw my uniform to the ground. Then I turned around to to see the rest follow, they all began laughing. They didn't. They WANTED me to quit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 948

You deserved it 36 152

08/01/2009 07:55

Today, I was talking to a charming young lady on MSN by webcam. She suddenly asked me to take my glasses off for a minute; I did so, and she said, "Oh never mind, you're still just as ugly..." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 048

You deserved it 2 538

24/06/2015 04:02

Today, I overheard my soon to be step-daughter telling her friend on the phone that she hopes that me and her father's wedding is just a big joke and that he isn't really going to go through with it. I just dropped five grand on a dress and venue. She's in for a surprise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 975

You deserved it 3 086

02/05/2015 16:54

Today, my mom decided to have a get together at my house while I was at work. When I came home, she pulled me aside and asked me to pretend to be her maid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 344

You deserved it 2 349

14/01/2011 09:26

Spicy

Today, I acted like I always do when I'm alone in my seemingly sound-proof apartment. I sang loudly, talked back to the TV, used my vibrator. Later, in the silence of the night, I heard my neighbor next door YAWNING. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 679

You deserved it 35 698

06/11/2016 23:52

Today, the smoke detector in my bedroom malfunctioned and started going off while my cat was asleep on my shoulder. He panicked and deeply lacerated my nose with his claw as he ran off. Blood got everywhere, and to add insult to injury the unit has no removable battery and wouldn't turn off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 626

You deserved it 742

04/08/2016 02:08

Today, I set my beer on the windowsill while I made space for it on the table. Suddenly, the wind knocked the window open. Into my beer. Into a box of expensive electronics. It was the last beer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 226

You deserved it 3 190

02/03/2010 00:14

Today, I had to explain to my 14-year-old sister why one must not wear the same pair of knickers for a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 375

You deserved it 2 436

Teenage narcs

By Anonymous - 08/02/2020 05:00

Today, my mom called to tell me that I needed to clean the side of her couch. Why? Because someone picked their nose and wiped snot all on the side of it. She thinks it was me because I sat there last. It wasn't me. I don't even live there, but I have 2 teenage siblings that blame everything on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 783

You deserved it 132

Nice place

By Anonymous - 07/03/2021 15:01

Today, I experienced the perfect romantic moment as I was sitting on a hill on the beach overlooking the sunset, cuddling my girlfriend. It was abruptly ruined. How? A rat ran past. FML

I agree, your life sucks 674

You deserved it 168

03/03/2011 21:18

Today, I was getting ready for a date when I noticed a spot on my chin. To get rid of it, I applied my sister's spot cream rather than picking it off. Within minutes, my entire chin looked like a swollen tomato. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 921

You deserved it 7 232

27/06/2014 17:32

Today, I went to the hospital due to vomiting and abdominal pain, and they decided to fit me with an IV drip. It took several tries by two different people to get the cannula in. I feel like a human pin-cushion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 770

You deserved it 4 487

03/07/2009 01:33

Today, my girlfriend left me. The reason? She's not actually a lesbian. She has been using our relationship to piss off her conservative parents. We've been together for over a year, and I've been in love with her for over five. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 781

You deserved it 8 718

04/07/2009 15:51

Spicy

Today, I checked my voicemail. I was really surprised to hear an adorable message from my boyfriend, who was vacationing in Florida. I was even more surprised to hear him having sex with some other girl for the last seven minutes of the message. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 487

You deserved it 3 250

07/08/2015 00:29

Today, I got fired from my part-time job, because I insisted on keeping my phone in my pocket and never using it, instead of putting it in locker without a lock or security camera, that anyone can go through. The manager found out by searching my locker for the past 3 weeks. Ironic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 228

You deserved it 2 364

16/09/2009 06:15

Today, my mom was criticizing how I can't handle taking care of any living thing because I'm too irresponsible. We had a huge argument so I went back to my apartment, only to find that my fish had died. I forgot I had a fish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 719

You deserved it 60 814

18/07/2013 18:16

Today, I woke up after passing out at a very small house party. I set a three drink limit, but apparently nobody listened, because there were beer cans everywhere, half my stuff was on the floor, and someone had shat in my bathtub. I had to clean all of it up alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 070

You deserved it 46 697

04/07/2011 13:24

Today, I finished reading a book about the treatment of mental patients and decided to use some of the strategies on my dad. We've never gotten along better. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 557

You deserved it 4 425

08/03/2015 10:33

Today, I decided to put on some sexy lingerie and wait for my husband to come home to surprise him. He took one look at me and immediately accused me of cheating. He was convinced my explanation was a lie and that I'd rushed some guy out the back door when he came home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 245

You deserved it 3 519

25/12/2018 20:00

Today, my car fob died on me when I was going to get donations because my house burnt down two days ago, FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 685

You deserved it 265

Hang in there

By Anonymous - 02/01/2021 11:01

Today, my dad said he hates gay people. My parents don't know I'm gay. I'm a high school senior. I wish I could just have someone to love and to love me, I just feel so lonely. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 575

You deserved it 2 095

18/06/2018 14:30

Today, exactly 28 days after I started my last period, I started a new period. This would be perfectly healthy and normal except that my last period was 24 days long. This has happened every month this year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 427

You deserved it 292

12/12/2015 05:32

Today, the small plane I was on almost crashed, all because the pilot's girlfriend figured out mid-flight that he's been cheating on her, causing her to start screaming abuse and furiously beating him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 336

You deserved it 1 375

25/11/2016 10:44

Today, I was teaching a new student their first ever piano lesson, hoping that they would sign up for more lessons. Thirty minutes had gone by and after the 5th time of me saying what a talented, sweet little girl she was, the mother told me it was in fact a boy. They didn't sign up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 824

You deserved it 3 023

10/07/2018 01:30

Today, in my role as a social worker, I was ordered by the court to take a very pregnant, petite 15-year-old for a prenatal exam. I am an adult male. As she waddled into her appointment, I turned to see hate-filled stares in the entire waiting room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 074

You deserved it 286

Subtle

By uh huh sure - 09/07/2020 05:01

Today, my mother-in-law, who isn't southern, who’s family isn’t southern, and has never even mentioned any interest in anything even remotely southern, decided to give us a baby gift: a hand-crocheted confederate flag blanket. We’re an interracial couple. I think she’s trying to tell me something. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 410

You deserved it 175

10/03/2015 13:27

Today, the only birthday present I got was a gift card to a steak house. Not a bad gift, but I'm a vegan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 721

You deserved it 8 375

02/06/2011 10:05

Today, I was shopping for clothes. I thought this guy was a mannequin because he was standing perfectly still. I poked him and he screamed like a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 221

You deserved it 36 305

18/08/2018 13:30

Today, I'm facing malpractice charges for neglecting a patient and failing to treat an infection. The patient had severe maggot-infested gangrene in his foot with exposed metatarsals, but refused amputation and all treatment. The judge is moving forward with the charges. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 849

You deserved it 179

24/04/2015 22:04

Today, I found my son's porn. I would sit him down for a talk, but the genres were so disturbing that I'm afraid to even ask about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 047

You deserved it 4 210

18/03/2013 02:45

Today, in an attempt to break up with my boyfriend, I told him, "I don't feel a mental connection between us." His reply? "Why do we need a mental connection?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 299

You deserved it 10 334

30/10/2008 05:55

Today, I've just lost over £12,000 and it's not even halfway through the trading day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 992

You deserved it 8 707

05/01/2013 05:37

Spicy

Today, my uncle keeps spamming me on Facebook with friend suggestions. Most of them are people he met on porn sites. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 279

You deserved it 2 117

Fashion Week, Bitch

By Anonymous - 02/03/2020 21:02

Today, I found out that my blazer was not in fact lost. How did I find this out? The girl who'd "lost it" was wearing it. She now denies it was ever mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 592

You deserved it 127

10/04/2016 04:20

Spicy

Today, I was both sexting with my girlfriend and texting my professor about an upcoming essay. I accidentally sent a dickpic to my professor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 358

You deserved it 39 819

10/08/2012 00:02

Today, I finally convinced my girlfriend to allow the cats to sleep with us on the bed. As we started to cuddle, one of the cats pissed right in between us. We are sleeping on the couch until the baking soda absorbs the smell in the mattress. I'll be sleeping there longer than that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 039

You deserved it 29 896

24/05/2012 02:47

Today, after dieting, rigorous exercising and a major lifestyle change, I have finally reached my fitness goal. My parents were more excited about my 17-year-old brother getting to 3rd base with his girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 135

You deserved it 3 103

26/12/2009 06:10

Today, my boyfriend went in to kiss me. He came in too aggressively and passionately and his front tooth knocked against mine. I am now missing a third of my right front tooth. Average cost for a dental crown? $900. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 614

You deserved it 2 988

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Top comments

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Tuesday 12 May 2009 9:44

Oh damn. are you sure that was even her? or just pretending!

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Tuesday 12 May 2009 9:55

Your first mistake was asking a girl out by text message. Seriously, grow a pair and ask her out face-to-face.

Comments

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Tuesday 12 May 2009 9:44

Oh damn. are you sure that was even her? or just pretending!

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Saturday 9 October 2010 1:26

ha.! it was her.

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Sunday 16 January 2011 14:32

yeah I doubt it was really the mum.

THEsuperMANLYman 10

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Thursday 4 July 2013 22:54

Lol, good thing you didnt care about your pride ;)

SugarRush905 15

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Sunday 17 July 2016 2:46

dats what I was about to say!!!

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Tuesday 12 May 2009 9:45

Maybe it was Emma, and didn't want to hurt you?

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Saturday 6 March 2010 5:52

This Emma.. who is she?

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Friday 19 March 2010 20:50

I thought her name was Emily...

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Tuesday 12 May 2009 9:48

I had to ask this girl out on a dare her mom answered the phone and I did it anyway i got rejected by her mom and her later when her mom told her the story hahaha

rarr 0

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Wednesday 9 March 2011 5:23

Ass, you are pathetic.

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Tuesday 12 May 2009 9:48

I'm wondering if that was really her mom or not. But anyway it goes, that's funny, 'cause my name's Emily and my friends sent that exact text to a guy a few weeks ago when he kept texting me asking me out.

nutella11_fml 2

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Saturday 7 April 2012 21:02

My mom did that to a guy before too and my names Emily bahah

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Tuesday 12 May 2009 9:51

I'm sorry, that sucks! But it was probably not actually her mom, just her pretending.

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Tuesday 12 May 2009 9:55

Your first mistake was asking a girl out by text message. Seriously, grow a pair and ask her out face-to-face.

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Tuesday 12 May 2009 9:56

At least you acknowledge that you were being an idiot by asking a girl out over text. Maybe she'd say yes if you talked to her in person or at least called.

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Tuesday 12 May 2009 9:57

Damm right. Ask her to her face. The problem with Text's and e-mails is it is impossible to convey your body language and tone from them. Do it in person or not at all!

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Tuesday 12 May 2009 9:58

"Uh.. I REALLY like you A LOT. SO MUCH that I am sending you a text message!"

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Tuesday 12 May 2009 9:59

faairly positive it was her. lying through text is easy as, so is asking out coward