Today, I fell asleep while at the beach with friends. Someone...

By zzfreakshow - 15/10/2013 00:16 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I fell asleep while at the beach with friends. Someone thought it would be funny to put chunks of bread on and around my junk. Seagulls have sharp beaks. FML

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Animals

Cold-blooded old times

Who's a good boy?

Compassion

By PixieWrists - 13/3/2012 17:33 - United Kingdom

Today, my therapist gave me some great self-sufficiency advice. It sounded familiar. When I got home I realized she had been quoting Christina Aguilera songs. For £100 an hour. FML

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By tina - 22/11/2019 20:00

He is proud of the duration

Today, I finally had sex with my new boyfriend, well, penetration anyway. Turns out, he has premature ejaculation, and no idea how bad at sex he is. He actually thought he did a good job by lasting 20 seconds. He was done after 4 thrusts and was somehow confused. I didn't orgasm either. FML

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By jojolee68 - 28/2/2015 19:53 - United States

Today, I'm stuck in a taxi cab while the driver listens to a radio show about sex fetishes. Can't wait to look him in the eye as I pay him. FML

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By KieRendan - 25/5/2012 19:59 - United States - Rio Rancho

Today, due to an unforeseen pipe-related incident, I had to shave my legs in my backyard fish pond, while a plumber assessed the damage to my war-zone of a bathroom. FML

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By "Lennie Mcfish" - 30/12/2019 02:00

Today, my girlfriend got mad at me. Why do you ask? She caught me masturbating even though she previously told me she won't have sex with until she's married. FML

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By godhatesme - 26/1/2009 23:14 - United States

Today, at work I got a message from some dude trying to flirt with me. While I was cracking up and making fun of him with my friends, I get a message from him saying look directly behind you, and there he was staring at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2012 13:20 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend, who is supposed to protect me from murderers and rapists, had an emotional breakdown because he was so excited that I'd cooked french fries for dinner. FML

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By HungryStudent - 20/8/2014 18:59 - Puerto Rico - Carolina

Today, my 24-year-old, unemployed brother stole all of my food money and went out with his friends. His punishment from our parents? He has to pay me back when he gets a job. My stomach has to wait. FML

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By elvisfreak5446 - 10/8/2011 16:12 - United States

Today, I was arguing with a friend over whether or not I'm fat. She kept telling me that I was. Angry, I sat down on the chair beside her. It broke. FML

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By kate - 29/4/2009 01:39 - United States

Today, I was eating at Applebees at a high table with bar stools. I was reaching over to get some gum out of mom's purse when my chair flipped out from under me and my soda fell on top of me and got in my ear. To make things worse, the waiter ran over and shouted "I give that one a 10!" FML

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By Unlucky - 25/7/2012 13:03 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, I went on a fifth date with a guy, and he asked me if we could be boyfriend and girlfriend. Just after I said yes, he pulled out a contract and asked me to sign on the dotted line. FML

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By Sam - 1/2/2010 05:45 - United States

Today, my friend was showing me pictures of her and her family. I told her to stop at one of the pictures. I started laughing my back off and said that she looked grotesque. She asked me if I was serious, I swore that I was. It was actually a picture of her sister, who died 1 year ago. FML

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By Harry - 29/11/2009 22:53 - United States

Today, I went hiking with my friend. We both had to pee really bad. We went to the edge of a cliff to "relieve ourselves". He peed and it came and hit me in the face, he did it on purpose. So, I decided to get him back and peed at him. The wind changed direction and hit me in the face again. FML

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By taternuts - 26/11/2011 12:18 - Canada

Today, one of my classmates pointed out that our professor has a habit of sucking his teeth at the end of each sentence. I'd never noticed before. I can't concentrate anymore, all I can focus on is his weird teeth noise thing. FML

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By TrashGirl - 24/6/2018 01:30

Today, for our 8th wedding anniversary I gave my husband several well-thought-out gifts. He gave me divorce papers. FML

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By hairy - 8/3/2012 14:30 - Serbia

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. Apparently my nose hair scares him. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2017 04:00 - United States - Tucson

Today, I was playing tug of war with my dog. She let go and I ended up punching myself in the mouth. My lip is still swollen. FML

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By Walter - 24/10/2015 03:17 - Spain

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting heated. I kissed her on the neck, chest, stomach, and threw up as I kissed between her legs. FML

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By Atheist - 22/3/2012 04:56 - United States - Portland

Today, I was waiting for a call from a job I had applied for. When the phone rang, I ran as fast I could up the stairs, falling and slamming my shin on the way. The call? It was a woman asking me, "Hi, do you have time to learn about our lord Jesus Christ?" FML

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By Eli - 20/9/2011 00:21 - Canada

Today, I had a violent allergic reaction to some bread I ate at a restaurant. How did they apologize? By sending me a free basket of bread. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2009 08:39 - United States

Today, I walked into my apartment to find my boyfriend of two years screwing my lifelong best friend. I immediately burst into tears. He looked at me and told me I was being too dramatic. FML

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By Canadagirl - 24/8/2017 01:30

Today, my boyfriend of seven and a half years broke up with me. By text message. FML

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By Anon - 4/12/2015 07:14 - United States - Modesto

Today, I got detention at school because a girl told the principal I was stalking her on campus. I wasn't stalking her, we just have very similar schedules. FML

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By Wounded_irony - 5/12/2017 05:00

Today, I was wearing flip flops whilst putting out the trash, and was careful not to step near the broken glass surrounding the trash cans. My mother ran up to me hysterically warning me about the glass, which startled me and caused me to step on a shard, slicing my foot open. FML

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By noname - 7/11/2010 04:04 - Canada

Today, I was mad at my mother. Why? We went to parent-teacher interviews, and she told my math teacher that she should allow bathroom breaks because I have a "very heavy menstrual flow." My teacher suggested I eat more red meat. They got into a seven-minute argument about this. FML

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By Lebac - 14/4/2015 08:33 - United States - Burlington

Today, I went to feed my neighbors' chickens while they were on vacation. I noticed the TV on inside, so I peeked in to see if the place was being messed with. Guess who found the neighbor home early, fully naked, and jerking off. FML

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By Muscle - 6/3/2009 21:07 - Canada

Today, I flew home early from a two month trip to Europe to surprise my boyfriend on his birthday. When I got to his house with a home baked cake from scratch and a quilt with slik-screened pictures from my trip, his roommate answered the door and said "Oh sorry, he's out with his girlfriend." FML

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By Coldsnap - 12/8/2011 17:25 - Sweden

Today, my father tricked me into eating a Tasmanian habanero, saying it was just another pepper. The burning in my mouth was unbearable, but nothing compared to when I took a shit later in the day. FML

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By Yeoman - 19/11/2011 07:47 - New Zealand

Today, my mother looked me dead in the face and said, "I have failed as a parent." FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2009 17:17 - United States

Today, I took my driving test. Completing the test, we returned and parked at the testing facility. As my tester was complimenting me, I leaned down to wind my window up, catching my long hair in the window. Frantically thrashing, I put the car in drive and floored it into a concrete wall. FML

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By mohit - 7/11/2017 15:00

Today, I found out that my neighbor's son is supposed to be giving me gas money for driving him to school each morning. He's using it to buy drugs instead. FML

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By tylerlove361 - 11/2/2009 05:30 - United States

Today, I cut myself with child-proof scissors. FML

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By sadmommy - 23/4/2012 22:51 - United States - Keller

Today, I discovered that last night, my son snuck downstairs at 3am, drank two glasses of my very expensive wine, threw up on his bed, and then slept in his own vomit. My son is 14. FML

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By Sal - 5/12/2011 06:57 - United States

Today, I found out I have to give my father-in-law back the football tickets he gave me for my birthday. Why? His girlfriend decided she wanted to go. He didn't get me a different gift. FML

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By thyisnothorses - 29/4/2012 03:55 - United States - Scituate

Today, I was grounded by my mom because I had slept in past 11, when she wanted me to wake up at seven to do chores. According to her logic, I should have seen the note she left on the counter earlier this morning. FML

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By anx133 - 16/1/2009 01:25 - China

Today, I daringly tried that fish-bath thing, where all these fish come and eat all of your skin's dead cells. I got into it, and after 15 minutes of being a human buffet, at least 20 of the fish died. FML

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By "of fucking course" - 5/9/2017 06:00

Creeper Alert

Today, I was feeling a little frisky and started making out with my husband on our couch. He had just taken off my shirt when a strange smell hit my nose. I turned my head and saw my alcoholic neighbor with a cigarette in his hand, watching the entire thing unfold. FML

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By Stephanie - 14/7/2011 19:17 - United States

Today, my friends and I went to the park for some planking. Trying to find a daring spot, I climbed a tree and laid down on a branch. While I was waiting for my friends to take a picture, the branch gave out. FML

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By Niles - 20/3/2012 17:46 - Canada - North Vancouver

Today, I was taking a shower, when my dad decided to turn off the water to the house, run upstairs, and throw a bucket of freezing cold sludge into the shower with me. He wouldn't turn the water back on for 2 hours. FML

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By oh well - 14/3/2019 06:00 - United States - Hesperia

Today, my sister in law threatened to call CPS on me because I “starved” her children when they spent the night. I didn’t starve them. I made an actual home cooked meal instead of the microwaveable or fast food crap she constantly feeds them. They chose not to eat and threw tantrums instead. FML

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Top comments

By graceinsheepwear | 33

#5716880 - Tuesday 15 October 2013 9:11

They pecked your pecker?

By j_cat187 | 19

#5716909 - Tuesday 15 October 2013 10:27

That's sexual harassment. Sue the birds.

Comments

By graceinsheepwear | 33

#5716880 - Tuesday 15 October 2013 9:11

They pecked your pecker?

TylerBurden | 21

#5716920 - Tuesday 15 October 2013 10:40

Woody wood wouldn't be amused.

incoherentrmblr | 21

#5716943 - Tuesday 15 October 2013 11:44

Peter Piper picked a pack of pickled peppers...

tpm45 | 25

#5716978 - Tuesday 15 October 2013 12:19

I thought the birds were angry because the pigs stole their eggs... Are you also green by any chance, OP?

\ | 28

#5718928 - Wednesday 16 October 2013 23:33

It doesn't seem possible to top #27's comment

By jipster | 11

#5716882 - Tuesday 15 October 2013 9:12

You have very funny friends OP, that they think it's funny to see you getting picked by seagull's.

By worldclassrager | 39

#5716884 - Tuesday 15 October 2013 9:14

Hope your okay...well don't get to crazy for revenge...

sds7 | 7

#5717748 - Wednesday 16 October 2013 1:23

*you're

yellowaholic | 25

#5718018 - Wednesday 16 October 2013 6:23

I don't think he can get revenge because he was asleep when it happened..

By NessaMae | 19

#5716886 - Tuesday 15 October 2013 9:16

I'd choose a smiley face on my stomach over my genitals getting poked at by seagulls anyday.

By Kallian_fml | 21

#5716887 - Tuesday 15 October 2013 9:17

Perhaps your friends thought you would appreciate a free vasectomy?

TheFunnyTroll | 3

#5717064 - Tuesday 15 October 2013 13:36

We can only hope the seagulls thought to cauterise the incision.

By dRpRdP | 8

#5716890 - Tuesday 15 October 2013 9:20

feeling sorry for your girlfriend :D

By funnaybitch114 | 7

#5716891 - Tuesday 15 October 2013 9:22

Haha reminds me of the time I told my sister not to go by a flock of seagulls at the beach, she did it anyways and ran up and down the beach screaming with a flock of seagulls chasing after herXD