Animals: Today, I fell asleep while at the beach with friends. Someone... - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53

You deserved it 5

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 103

Spicy

Spicy

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 694

You deserved it 111

Grind mindset

By MyStomachHurts - 15/10/2021 05:00

Spicy

Today, my boss wrote me up for taking too many bathroom breaks. I tried calling in sick with a bad case of indigestion, but he told me to just power through it because, "it can't possibly be that bad." I have been in severe, persistent discomfort the whole damn day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 634

You deserved it 42

15/10/2013 00:16

Today, I fell asleep while at the beach with friends. Someone thought it would be funny to put chunks of bread on and around my junk. Seagulls have sharp beaks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 750

You deserved it 5 012

Dementia or hate? You decide

Walk on the wild side

Glass half empty

23/10/2012 13:29

Today, my fiancé's stepfather asked me how my teaching job was going. I replied heatedly that I've never taught, and then complained bitterly to my fiancé about how his family still doesn't know me. Turns out his stepfather has early onset dementia, and that I'm an asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 523

You deserved it 36 172

28/08/2011 04:06

Today, I realized my soon to be ex wife is stalking me online. Everytime I block her she creates a new profile. She left me 9 months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 573

You deserved it 2 974

21/04/2013 12:26

Today, my grandmother tried to upstage me at my wedding by wearing an actual wedding dress because she "never had a real wedding". FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 835

You deserved it 4 238

04/07/2016 20:33

Today, I got offered a free $80 salon haircut by a girl I've liked for awhile. Thinking this was my chance to get close to her, I accepted, only to find out it was for a class her boyfriend was teaching. He was the one cutting my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 403

You deserved it 2 158

07/01/2013 06:09

Today, I came out to my parents. They laughed in my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 399

You deserved it 6 661

22/08/2010 06:17

Today, I found out that my boyfriend is only staying with me for the present I promised him for his birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 722

You deserved it 5 107

08/09/2012 11:38

Spicy

Today, I realized how much it sucks to have the same name as my dad when I overheard my mom moan his name in bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 355

You deserved it 2 544

02/07/2009 07:22

Today, I caught some perverts sitting in a car in front of my house, spying on my neighbors. When they refused to leave, I grabbed a baseball bat and they sped off in a hurry. Later, those same perverts came back to arrest my neighbors for drug trafficking. I had threatened cops. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 130

You deserved it 12 286

20/05/2014 00:00

Today, I told my 4-year-old neighbor that I'm pregnant. His response was to attack me with a stick "for swallowing a baby." Three people had to pull him off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 383

You deserved it 5 809

06/12/2009 09:16

Today, I found out my diet and exercise plan wasn't nearly as effective when it comes to weight loss as I had originally thought. It turns out what really accounts for all the weight I've been losing is tape worms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 915

You deserved it 3 137

01/10/2012 00:49

Today, a man with a clipboard came up to me in the street to ask me if I was happy with my life insurance. I couldn't bring myself to admit to him that I'm so clueless about my own life that I wasn't sure I was even happy with the Twix I was eating at the time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 614

You deserved it 3 724

23/12/2009 05:05

Today, I was trying to read a book for school, but kept falling asleep. Following some advice from a friend I tried reading on the uncomfortable floor. Two hours later my dog woke me up by peeing on my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 139

You deserved it 5 910

You idiot!

By Anonymous - 28/10/2019 22:00

Today, I didn't want to hang out with my girlfriend so I could binge watch Pawn Stars instead. When she asked me why not, I lied not very convincingly and said my mom was sick and needed my help. She now thinks I'm cheating on her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 443

You deserved it 2 861

Chill out, mom

By chasingcars0624 - 28/08/2009 23:44

Today, I got a knock on my door at 3 a.m. Turns out, if I ignore my mother long enough, she will assume I have died and will call the cops. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 887

You deserved it 13 164

Alexa, play "Cars" by Gary Numan

By Anonymous - 29/10/2019 16:00

Today, I ran a stop sign that was completely obscured by foliage, in a city I was unfamiliar with. A city bus then T-boned me. My car is now totalled, and I’m afraid this will now go to court. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 641

You deserved it 385

07/09/2015 00:54

Today, a male friend of mine tried to kiss me. When I shoved him away and demanded to know what the fuck he was doing, he said he didn't think I was really a lesbian because I went on a date with a guy. Once. Over 15 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 166

You deserved it 2 745

Make it yourself, champ

By Cookyourowndamnfoodasshole! - 27/01/2021 18:30

Today, I overheard my boyfriend complaining that I’m lazy since I never cook for him. I stopped cooking for him because he constantly complained that the food was never as good as what his ex-wife made, or like his mom made. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 228

You deserved it 108

11/03/2012 06:51

Today, while DJing at a jumpin' wedding reception, my speaker system conked out. I hadn't brought any backup equipment, and 500 guests had the unfortunate luxury of dancing to the sounds of a portable CD player someone brought in from their car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 786

You deserved it 30 511

01/03/2019 20:00

Today, I realised that the only thing that's got fucked since I started uni is my sleep cycle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 924

You deserved it 354

So that makes it alright?

By Boundaries - 04/02/2021 11:01

Today, I confronted my boyfriend that I found his “hidden” Tinder profile and his horny messages between him and other girls. His response? “Babe, that was a month ago.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 932

You deserved it 106

17/04/2014 03:14

Today, I got a call from the police that my house had been burglarized, but an off-duty cop caught the criminal. I pull up to see my detained, psycho ex-boyfriend sheepishly grinning at me. He had three of my lace panties and two of my bras, claiming it was "all for memories sake". FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 069

You deserved it 4 603

Mystery unwanted gift

By Anonymous - 04/05/2021 07:59

Today, I came back from school camp and really had to go to the toilet. I ran to the nearest one, which was by the principal's office. After I finished, I tried to flush the button. Turns out the water was turned off so it wouldn't flush. I bolted. The principal is now stuck with my unwanted present. FML

I agree, your life sucks 716

You deserved it 126

Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew!

By Anonymous - 15/08/2017 11:30

Today, I was writing an essay while sleep-deprived. In between actually writing, I started typing my thoughts. It was only after I’d submitted the essay that I realized that I hadn’t deleted the random words. My teacher can see my early-morning rambling about potatoes. I have no way to delete it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 343

You deserved it 1 513

19/11/2011 08:20

Spicy

Today, I found out that my boyfriend's "therapy" meetings have been with my best friend, in his truck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 403

You deserved it 4 038

The Great Pretender

By CJune24 - 22/10/2014 21:24

Spicy

Today, I tried to seduce my boyfriend so I mounted him and began kissing him. He immediately pretended to snore into my mouth and rolled over, making me fall off of the bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 395

You deserved it 5 413

25/06/2019 06:48

Today, I got into a screaming match with the mother of my kids. I told her they need to bathe more often. According to her, anything more than once a week is excessive and bad for their skin. My kids play sports and smell like puppies from the pound. She doesn’t care. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 303

You deserved it 183

11/06/2012 11:18

Today, I put the little boy I nanny for in time-out. In retaliation he blasted an air horn in my face. I can only hear out of one ear now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 795

You deserved it 3 214

18/06/2019 01:08

Today, after sending and receiving hundreds of hints, I mustered up the courage to ask my best friend out. He completely ignored my words, and went on to tell me all about his mother's intestinal bug. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 741

You deserved it 189

17/04/2017 06:00

Today, my roommates sat me down and said we need to have a serious chat. I was worried, until they asked me if I could quit my new night job. When I asked why, they said it was because I wasn't home anymore to cook them dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 985

You deserved it 448

24/01/2009 01:03

Today, I went to a "party" with the boy whom I am interested in. It was the first time I met his friends. Turns out he and all his friends are hardcore Christians who don't drink and are celibate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 031

You deserved it 11 627

27/08/2009 02:28

Today, after going to T-Mobile thinking my phone won't receive texts, I found out that my phone is perfectly fine, my friends just don't text me back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 674

You deserved it 8 255

17/09/2012 14:15

Today, the guy I have been seeing left town to visit his family for three weeks. A few hours later, he called me from the airport to say he is never coming back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 987

You deserved it 2 193

08/12/2012 10:44

Today, my friend and I told each other about our boyfriends. They're both nice, kind, beautiful, talented, funny, sweet and smart. They also both have the same name. And house. And job. And car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 366

You deserved it 3 228

27/10/2012 07:20

Today, I found out that my daughter has a hit list. There are over thirty names on there. My name is on it as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 270

You deserved it 3 828

Deception

By Anonymous - 08/03/2021 01:59

Today, I found out my husband was faking his leg injury. I caught him out and about walking just fine, hand in hand with another woman. I’ve been caring for him, holding down the bills and taking him to a "at home" chiropractor for the past 7 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 435

You deserved it 64

Book club gone wild!

By TheWriter - 01/09/2017 04:30

Spicy

Today, during a family gathering, my mom, grandmother, and aunts started talking about an erotic novel they're all reading on Amazon. My cousin asked for the writer's name and I heard my pseudonym in response. My entire family is reading my horribly-written porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 339

You deserved it 1 419

05/12/2010 05:09

Spicy

Today, while at my mom's birthday dinner, I started to pretend to drum with one hand, using my left leg as the drums. Everybody stared at me and started to yell. Now they all think I was masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 265

You deserved it 11 834

16/04/2019 00:00

Today, I was promised that I wouldn't have to work late because I had tomorrow off for my birthday. My coworkers decided that none of them want to work late, and that I could do it. So I am stuck working late and have to come in on my birthday, which I had requested off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 147

You deserved it 200

10/01/2010 16:19

Today, this girl I like just told me a funny story about her pooping adventures. We shared a laugh and she told me "I could never say that to my boyfriend, but I can to you. I don't know, it's like the uglier the boy, the more comfortable I am with him." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 522

You deserved it 3 535

19/05/2013 23:07

Today, I went for a walk. When it started pouring, I ran under the nearest tree for protection. It didn't occur to me that it might look suspicious hiding under a stranger's tree in a black hoodie, until the cops showed up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 088

You deserved it 5 950

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Top comments

graceinsheepwear 33

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Tuesday 15 October 2013 9:11

They pecked your pecker?

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Tuesday 15 October 2013 10:27

That's sexual harassment. Sue the birds.

Comments

graceinsheepwear 33

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Tuesday 15 October 2013 9:11

They pecked your pecker?

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Tuesday 15 October 2013 10:40

Woody wood wouldn't be amused.

incoherentrmblr 21

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Tuesday 15 October 2013 11:44

Peter Piper picked a pack of pickled peppers...

tpm45 25

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Tuesday 15 October 2013 12:19

I thought the birds were angry because the pigs stole their eggs... Are you also green by any chance, OP?

\ 28

Wednesday 16 October 2013 23:33

It doesn't seem possible to top #27's comment

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Tuesday 15 October 2013 9:12

You have very funny friends OP, that they think it's funny to see you getting picked by seagull's.

worldclassrager 39

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Tuesday 15 October 2013 9:14

Hope your okay...well don't get to crazy for revenge...

sds7 7

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Wednesday 16 October 2013 1:23

*you're

yellowaholic 25

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Wednesday 16 October 2013 6:23

I don't think he can get revenge because he was asleep when it happened..

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Tuesday 15 October 2013 9:16

I'd choose a smiley face on my stomach over my genitals getting poked at by seagulls anyday.

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Tuesday 15 October 2013 9:17

Perhaps your friends thought you would appreciate a free vasectomy?

TheFunnyTroll 3

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Tuesday 15 October 2013 13:36

We can only hope the seagulls thought to cauterise the incision.

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Tuesday 15 October 2013 9:20

feeling sorry for your girlfriend :D

funnaybitch114 7

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Tuesday 15 October 2013 9:22

Haha reminds me of the time I told my sister not to go by a flock of seagulls at the beach, she did it anyways and ran up and down the beach screaming with a flock of seagulls chasing after herXD

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Tuesday 15 October 2013 13:27

You're so evil ;)

ClaireWinchester 17

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Tuesday 15 October 2013 9:23

Some people are assholes. Sorry OP, that sounds painful. DX

niftyismybitch 21

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Tuesday 15 October 2013 9:23

Feeling sorry for the birds...

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Tuesday 15 October 2013 9:25

sombeach huh?