Today, my boyfriend of three years sent me several flowers and... - FML

By Anonymous - 11/9/2009 06:35 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of three years sent me several flowers and chocolate boxes to my office. It ends up that he cheated on me with my sister and tried to break the news to me after all the presents he sent. I thought he actually remembered our anniversary this year. FML

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Peaky Bladders

This ain't working out

Healthy relationship

By ilovezim29 - 3/6/2012 07:45 - United States - Windsor

Today, I went to Safeway. The security guard wouldn't stop staring at my boobs. When I confronted him about it he told me that they looked fake and he was making sure I didn't stuff my bra with stolen items. FML

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By shitless88 - 20/8/2011 00:23 - United States

Today, I'm sitting in a public toilet when a guy kicks the door in and shoves a police badge in my face, screaming for me to tell him "the path of Lemmiwinks". After a whole minute of me shitting my balls off, he bursts into laughter and tells me I've been pranked. I was too embarrassed to report him. FML

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By JoshuasGirl - 23/12/2013 19:13 - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, I had sex with my boyfriend for the first time, after he repeatedly told me not to worry about bleeding, and reassuring me that he'd take care of me. He passed out halfway through. FML

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By areyouserial - 5/12/2011 13:21 - United States

Today, Santa ran over my foot with a Segway. FML

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By Bacon0426 - 4/7/2016 21:03 - United States - Skaneateles

Today, in honor of America's birthday, my 50-year-old father decided to light off homemade bombs without telling anyone. The screams of me and my family members were louder than the bombs. FML

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By dazedandconfused - 25/6/2009 22:29 - United Kingdom

Today, at work, someone heard me throw up. I then got called aside and told being hungover at work is unacceptable. I don't drink. I'm pregnant. FML

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By sharibaby - 30/4/2013 21:26 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, it's my wedding day. I have a cold sore that makes me look like The Joker. Make-up won't cover it and the emergency medicine my doctor gave me only irritates it more. My future husband asks, "Why so serious?" and laughs whenever he sees me. Fantastic. FML

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By arch maester shavayalsharashion - 26/7/2015 17:29 - United Kingdom - Surbiton

Today, I was pouring my heart out to my dad about how I'm such a loser and how I have no friends. He listened sympathetically, until his phone buzzed with a text message. He said "Balls, the guys from work wanna get shitfaced." and took a rain check on me. FML

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By tiredInMD - 12/7/2017 18:39 - United States - Pasadena

Today, after retyping a 22-page report for work because the orginal had gone missing, i realized I had used a different laptop the first time. I now have 2 copies of the same report, both of which are late. FML

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By Boned...hard - 28/1/2010 00:09 - France

Today, after confessing my love for my best friend, he looked at me and said "I'm not feeling it. But does this mean we can have sex?" FML

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By rmonk - 6/7/2016 12:17 - United States - Carpentersville

Today, I was hanging out with a friend at an ice cream place, and a guy started chatting with us. As he eventually went to leave, he told me "That's a nice looking date you got there." Then he turned to my friend. "Wish I could say the same to you." FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2012 23:00 - United States - Tallahassee

Today, my teacher's comments on my essay read, "I know it's college, but you use a lot of unnecessary words with a lot of syllables." He basically scolded me for having a complex vocabulary. I go to an accredited state university. Nothing says "America" like under-achieving professors. FML

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By 092492 - 5/3/2011 21:53 - United States

Today, I was finally able to get up and take a shit after being bedridden due to my knee surgery. I had diarrhea and because I can't properly bend my knee, I can't wipe my butt. FML

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By raven_of_azarath - 19/6/2019 12:23

Today, I found out my 15-year-old cat is having gas problems when she farted in my face. My mouth was open. FML

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By Nat3_2020 - 27/1/2015 14:02 - United States

Today, as I walked on to the bus, the girl I liked whispered something to her friend. Curious, I asked what was so funny. She said she never realized that when I got on, I shook the bus. FML

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By kalisa anteater - 9/6/2013 20:49 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I had to explain to my mother that a lace mini-dress with an obscene amount of cleavage was not appropriate to wear while meeting my boyfriend's parents. She called me an "annoying prude" and said that with my attitude, I don't deserve to have a man. FML

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By svunimportant - 28/5/2015 15:40 - United States - Morehead

Today, my daughter cried for ages after finding out that Nick Amaro was written out of Law and Order: SVU. She barely reacted when I told her that her mom and I are getting a divorce. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2011 17:20 - United Kingdom

Today, I went on a date, the first one I've been on since my last boyfriend broke up with me 6 months ago. We were in a restaurant, and at the end of meal he insisted on paying the bill. He wanted to leave a 15% tip but couldn't work out in his head how much to leave. The bill was for £100. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/11/2012 02:47 - United States - Killington

Today, I found my childhood diary stashed in a box in the attic. I flipped to the last page and noticed a little note written by my now deceased father. It read, "Well son, this diary proves that you're a whiny asshole - Dad." Thanks Dad, from beyond the grave. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2019 06:00 - United States - New Rochelle

Today, I went fishing. Not only did I lose the fish, I lost the entire rod. FML

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By MySonThePoet - 27/10/2014 02:42 - United States - Racine

Today, I stumbled across one of my son's English assignments. Apparently, he decided to submit a haiku about how electrical outlets are technically "whores" because they hook up with countless cords for a "charge." I don't know whether to be amused or furious. FML

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By marmarr - 15/5/2011 05:20 - United States

Today, I pretended to not be able to go out with a friend so I could hang with my boyfriend at the movies. When I sat down I received a text that said "turn around" it was her. FML

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By why - 14/3/2014 23:23 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was tanning nude in my backyard, when I took a picture of our dog lying in the grass and sent it to my dad. It was only after I looked at the picture indoors that I realized my nipple had made it into the picture too. FML

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By Kit - 16/9/2013 11:09 - United Kingdom - Swindon

Today, I told my boyfriend I loved him. He told me he was a dinosaur. FML

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By juice723 - 20/11/2013 11:09 - United States - Marblehead

Today, my friends started calling me "Soberman" because I recently gave up alcohol and have a Doberman. Normally, I wouldn't mind the nickname, but they call me Soberman everywhere. My new boss now thinks it's because I AM an alcoholic. FML

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By Nachos4lifs - 8/11/2019 01:00

He did not care

Today, after years of pretty much no sex from my long term partner, I admitted I was having dreams about sex with other people. I hoped to get a reaction from him. However, he didn't react at all. FML

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By Crying - 16/4/2017 02:00

It's toast

Today, I no longer have a toaster. My younger sister put it in the bath because apparently it looked dirty. FML

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By Sleeeeeep - 19/8/2010 04:10 - France

Today, I had to tell my doctor the real reason why I can't sleep at night for him to prescribe me anymore Ambien: I still have the irrational fear that there are monsters in the closet. I'm 22. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/1/2011 01:59 - Canada

Today, I found out why my wife insisted on naming our first child "George" if it was a boy. It was her first love's name. FML

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By Spencer - 6/12/2018 12:30

Today, I decided to try an online therapy site seeing as I have been feeling very lonely and don’t have any friends to talk to about my issues. After filling out all the initial forms, the site told me there was no one available to speak to me. FML

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By realitybites - 8/7/2013 17:03 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, while at the doctor's, a week overdue with my first child, I was told that sex and orgasms can sometimes help to induce labor. On the way home, my boyfriend asked for road head, arguing that "She said that stuff about orgasms." Not you, honey. FML

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By fuck the man-dominated construction business - 19/6/2013 16:18 - Finland - Helsinki

Today, I won an argument against a sexist co-worker. When I left later on, I jumped into my car to drive home, but managed to reverse it into a parked excavator. Guess who's going to hear virginal jokes about women drivers from now on. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/9/2014 19:32 - United States - College Station

Today, I have such severe ADD that I can't focus without my medication. When I take the medication, I can only focus on one thing, but not necessarily the thing I need to be focusing on. I have a chem test soon, and I've been vacuuming my room for the past 4 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/12/2009 01:57 - United States

Today, I tried to rid my son of his pacifier. He still uses it to sleep. My son is 20 years old. FML

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By PsychoSarah - 6/4/2011 23:57 - United States

Today, I got fired from my job. I caught a customer taking pictures up my skirt, and my boss fired me for calling the police and "making a big deal out of it". FML

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By Etown - 12/8/2018 06:00 - United States - Evansville

Today, a friend texted me to get a ticket and go to the theme park with her tomorrow. I bought a ticket and didn't hear from her until 5 hrs later to say she was sorry, but she doesn't think she'll be going. It was $65 and non refundable. FML

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By notgay - 21/6/2015 06:04 - United States - Cranford

Today, I brought my best friend home and told my dad we were going to study together. He loudly replied "Woah!", stumbled around for a few seconds like he was drunk, then apologized and said the "sheer amount of gayness" between us had overloaded his gaydar. We're not gay, dammit! FML

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By arthur - 19/11/2011 08:40 - New Zealand

Today, my boss phoned me and asked me why I wasn't at work. I was in the staff room. I said hello to her as I came in the door. FML

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By silentsuzie - 12/2/2010 15:23 - United States

Today, I realized I can never live with my fiancée. A childhood of systematic teasing, abuse, and humiliation has made me terrified to use a bathroom around a guy if there's the slightest chance I can be heard, seen, or even have anyone know what I'm up to. Therapy has yet to fix anything. FML

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By dogpatch087 - 2/1/2020 03:00 - United States - Ventura

Shout the victory

Today, while climbing a mountain, I got to the top and then put both of my arms up in a victory kind of way only to trip on a rock and fall into a cactus plant. FML

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Top comments

By Sourcandy86 | 0

#555822 - Friday 11 September 2009 16:10

Send him anthrax

By aback | 4

#555939 - Friday 11 September 2009 17:15

Your anniversary gift was him letting you know he's not worth wasting any more of your life over.

COMMENTS

By PumpkinTarte | 0

#555819 - Friday 11 September 2009 16:09

Poor you.

Reply

spiffles | 0

#555984 - Friday 11 September 2009 17:35

That may or may not be a bit of an understatement...

Reply

the_stereotype | 0

#557435 - Saturday 12 September 2009 5:22

that is one of the saddest things i've read on this site. your boyfriend is a jerk.

Reply

missmontreal97 | 4

#1290337 - Monday 23 August 2010 16:06

your bf is an asshole.
and your sisters a whore

By Sourcandy86 | 0

#555822 - Friday 11 September 2009 16:10

Send him anthrax

Reply

Intoxicunt | 5

#556002 - Friday 11 September 2009 17:43

Agreed. Win.

Reply

CinderBrick | 13

#6006801 - Sunday 13 July 2014 18:07

Smallpox is more painful though

By JellyBeann | 0

#555834 - Friday 11 September 2009 16:15

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

devinashley | 0

#970307 - Monday 29 March 2010 4:33

serves her right? are you kidding me? your one of those dumb people who say they deserve it over something that they don't have a say in or they don't control.
I pity you.

OP, I'm really sorry that that happened. in sure it's been a while by now and your over it, hopefully, but he was a douchbag. I do believe in second chances but only for the truly sorry. I hope it all worked out for you.

:)

Reply

olive47_fml | 0

#2598160 - Wednesday 1 June 2011 5:45

you c***

By JellyBeann | 0

#555847 - Friday 11 September 2009 16:19

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

toink | 0

#555864 - Friday 11 September 2009 16:26

first

Reply

sjks | 0

#556140 - Friday 11 September 2009 19:33

second

By Pulcherrimus | 0

#555850 - Friday 11 September 2009 16:21

I assume that since this didn't end with "I dumped him," that you didn't.

Reply

genius_man16 | 0

#555883 - Friday 11 September 2009 16:37

That's a dumb thing to do. It's kind of implied that she dumped him after this. Unless something happened since yesterday night and it's become normal for people to stay with their BF/GF after they cheat.

@OP: your BF and sister are both cuntrags. I say you take a shit in a bucket or something and then go to their place and pour it over their faces.

By Rodiles | 0

#555858 - Friday 11 September 2009 16:24

Dang that sux!

By Nathananagiya99 | 0

#555886 - Friday 11 September 2009 16:40

you deserved it for celebrating an anniversery with your boyfriend

By moonlight_daze | 8

#555902 - Friday 11 September 2009 16:50

You're an office worker? Damn.. FYL

By Vaetrus | 0

#555903 - Friday 11 September 2009 16:50

Could have been worded better. FYL

By BenignScientists | 0

#555918 - Friday 11 September 2009 17:00

Must have stung stung like a hornet with an ice pick ...