Love: Today, my boyfriend of three years sent me several flowers and... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of three years sent me several flowers and chocolate boxes to my office. It ends up that he cheated on me with my sister and tried to break the news to me after all the presents he sent. I thought he actually remembered our anniversary this year. FML

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BO Central

Race against the clock

Trans women are women

By dumbbb - United States

Today, I tried to open the door with my mouth because my hands were full. I chipped a tooth. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, was my first meeting with business partners as I am new to the team. Instead of saying that I was looking forward to "stretching my legs" or "spreading my wings", I told them I was anxious to start "spreading my legs". FML

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By Boar - United States - Albuquerque

Today, while I was waiting at a red light, another car slammed into me. By the time I got out to assess the damage, the other car was empty and there was nobody in sight. Either Moby Dickwad was abducted by aliens mid-crash, or he was behind on his insurance payments. FML

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By chi_chia - United States

Today, while vacuuming my car, I discovered a hole in the floor under one of the seats. Unable to figure out where it came from, I took it to a professional, who informed me that a family of rats has been making my car their home for the last several months. How lovely. FML

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By fuzzy1895 - United States

Today, I found out why I had been waking up feeling like crap for the past week. I found tufts of cat fur in my pillow case, and I am allergic to cats. My little brother thought I would get so sick, and he could have my XBox. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/1/2021 14:01 - Germany

The smell detective is on the case

Today, something smelled absolutely disgusting in the bathroom. Like cow shit and stinky beetles. I started sniffing around, because whatever it was, I had to find it and clean it up. That, however, proved difficult, because it turned out that smell was coming from the new soap my mom had bought. FML

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By mac cayne - France - Strasbourg

Today, it's been a week since I found an egg in the street that had seemingly fallen out of a nest. I'd bought a cage and an expensive incubator lamp to save it. It's thus been a week that I've been trying to save a mouldy old potato. FML

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By HkxAliso0302 - China - Beijing

News from China

Today, I've been trapped at home for almost two months because of the epidemic. Now I'm thrilled just to get to go outside to throw garbage away, as if I'm going on a trip. FML

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By unattractive - Canada

Today, my boyfriend asked me to pick his nose for him. FML

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By Stung - United States

Today, I found out that bees like to make hives in odd places, like in your vintage car's trunk. I also found out that they don't like it when you break their hive in half when you open the trunk to get out a spare tire. FML

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By loser - United States

Today, I had to sell my wedding ring to help me pay for my divorce. FML

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By Ava777 - United States

Today, while leaving school to skip fourth period, I hit someone's car in the parking lot. It was the teacher's whose class I was going to skip. FML

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By sheisselluv - Germany - Gera

Today, was my first day of work in my life. I was excited, and so was my dad, who saw me to the door and ruffled my hair as he wished me luck. I didn't notice until half an hour after arriving at work that he'd stuck his gum in my hair. Nobody bothered to tell me. FML

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By Ella - United States

Today, I went on a 7-hour plane flight. For 3 hours I had a bloody nose. When it finally stopped, I sneezed. It started to bleed again. FML

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By twiggygonegirl

Today, I updated my list of "quit smoking rewards" to include new clothes. New clothes to fit my new voluptuous body, because the question of how I used to stay thin has been answered. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was chopping weeds with a weed whacker. I heard something get caught in the blades, and realized it was a frog when the leg hit me in the eye. The rest of the chopped frog ended up on my face. FML

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By David Ryan - 11/9/2020 09:02 - United Kingdom

Brain worms

Today, I was walking by a neighbour when he said, "Is your dad home?" I swiftly replied, "I'm good thanks." FML

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By Sotired - United States - Medford

Today, after working 12 shifts in the past 8 days at 2 jobs and thinking today was a day off, I got the call that I misread my schedule and I was in fact scheduled. Got off at 2:30 am, work again at 9 am with 9 shifts to go this week. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my kids tried to make grilled cheese by turning the toaster sideways. When all was done, it all flew out onto the kitchen floor. Both my kids and my husband left the mess there for me to clean up when I got home. FML

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By Anonymous - Puerto Rico

Today, I was messing around in computer class, when somebody called my name from the hall. Trying to be smooth, I tried rolling my chair backwards out into the hall. The wheels wasted no time jamming and sending me crashing face-first into the floor in front of everyone. FML

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By MarcusJones713 - United States

Today, I was at the gym with my friends when they invited me to do a few bench presses. Since I'd never done any before, I decided to start with no weights on the bar and work my way up from there. I wound up pinned beneath the bar, calling for my friend to come free me. FML

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By Jim - United States

Today, my son is having housing issues, so I let him stay at my place for a while. Today, he found out that the quiet, dorky-looking professor who lives next door is an MMA fighter. He tried to break into the guy's house in the middle of the night and is now in the hospital. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Woodbridge

Today, I got fired for having a visible tattoo on my neck. The tattoo in question is a scar from a surgery I had 2 months ago. The same one paid for by my employer's insurance and missed 2 weeks of work for. FML

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By overexcited - United States

Today, I woke up in the hospital. I had apparently overworked my heart so much that I fainted. What caused it? I was playing a racing game on my Wii and freaked out when I won first place. FML

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By mel - United Kingdom - Bournemouth

Today, while in the break room at work, I laughed at a co-worker's joke and started choking on my drink. My boss exclaimed in front of everyone, "We need to teach this girl how to swallow!" to everyone's childish amusement. Now they won't stop calling me Spit. FML

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By Frenchgirl - United States

Today, it was my first day at school in the United States. Being from France, my French accent is really strong. After being made fun of all day, I met someone from Montreal. I was so excited and said, "Parlez-vous Français?" And his response? "HUH?!" FML

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By anon - United States - Kent

Today, I delivered a pizza to a guy so high out of his mind that I had to let myself in and set it down on a table, because he'd forgotten how to walk, and was on the ground sobbing. FML

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By himtopia19 - United States

Today, I was driving at night and saw a small animal run across the road. I slammed on my brakes and got rear-ended. The animal turned out to be a plastic grocery bag. FML

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By ouch - United States

Today, while having sex, I tried to kick the blanket over my feet and kneed myself in the face. FML

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By ProudMama - United States

Today, I arrived home. I'd left for a business trip 5 days earlier, and trusted my husband with our young boys. As soon as I stepped in the door, I noticed my son had thinner hair than when I'd left. He then showed me an empty container of Nair. FML

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By reedcarter

Today, while I was at a urinal, a man came up to use the one next to me. He then said, "I guess this is where all the dicks hang out." He then stared at me until I left. FML

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By Mo. - 3/10/2020 01:13 - United States

Rock and a hard place

Today, I found out my postpartum pain is indeed because of a cyst. No, my doctors can’t drain it and relive the pain because of scar tissue. And yes, it hurts around my lady bits and in my butthole, because the cyst wraps around everything. It’s either wait it out in extreme pain or surgery. FML

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By omgwhyme - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me for a blow job. After I said "no" over ten times, he decided to get up and slap me across the face with his penis. FML

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By Sarah - United States

Today, my mom barged into my room at three in the morning, demanding to know where I'd been. I'd been in my room sleeping since ten o'clock. In that time she had called the police, all of my friends, and my ex-boyfriend, asking if I was with them. FML

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By Shouldn'taWornaThong - United States - Tempe

Shouldn't have worn a thong...

Today, while shopping at my local grocery store, a young boy came up behind me and pulled my pants down while snickering. I was so shocked and horrified that I dropped the f-bomb. His mother yelled at me for "ruining his innocence". FML

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By caseyj - United States

Today, I went to a birthday party. A half hour in, a girl started showing me pictures of her cat. That was the high point of the night. FML

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By Mc'xplosive

McGastric

Today, after months of avoiding fast food, I decided to eat some McDonald's french fries. Though the fries were delicious, they were not worth the agonizing 15 minutes I spent on the toilet afterwards. FML

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By Shameful - United States

Today, my school's 6'2, 270-pound, 375-pound bench-pressing football superstar knocked me unconscious in one hit. With a dodgeball. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, was my wedding day and I had been preparing my speech for my husband for about 3 months. At the wedding, I poured my heart out to him. Did he do the same? My husband forgot about it and right before the wedding, took his from his first marriage and changed the name. FML

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By romancocks - United States - Palatka

Today, some girl in the street mistook me for Richard Simmons. FML

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Top comments

By Sourcandy86 | 0

#555822 - Friday 11 September 2009 16:10

Send him anthrax

By aback | 4

#555939 - Friday 11 September 2009 17:15

Your anniversary gift was him letting you know he's not worth wasting any more of your life over.

COMMENTS

By PumpkinTarte | 0

#555819 - Friday 11 September 2009 16:09

Poor you.

Reply

spiffles | 0

#555984 - Friday 11 September 2009 17:35

That may or may not be a bit of an understatement...

Reply

the_stereotype | 0

#557435 - Saturday 12 September 2009 5:22

that is one of the saddest things i've read on this site. your boyfriend is a jerk.

Reply

missmontreal97 | 4

#1290337 - Monday 23 August 2010 16:06

your bf is an asshole.
and your sisters a whore

By Sourcandy86 | 0

#555822 - Friday 11 September 2009 16:10

Send him anthrax

Reply

Intoxicunt | 5

#556002 - Friday 11 September 2009 17:43

Agreed. Win.

Reply

CinderBrick | 13

#6006801 - Sunday 13 July 2014 18:07

Smallpox is more painful though

By JellyBeann | 0

#555834 - Friday 11 September 2009 16:15

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

devinashley | 0

#970307 - Monday 29 March 2010 4:33

serves her right? are you kidding me? your one of those dumb people who say they deserve it over something that they don't have a say in or they don't control.
I pity you.

OP, I'm really sorry that that happened. in sure it's been a while by now and your over it, hopefully, but he was a douchbag. I do believe in second chances but only for the truly sorry. I hope it all worked out for you.

:)

Reply

olive47_fml | 0

#2598160 - Wednesday 1 June 2011 5:45

you c***

By JellyBeann | 0

#555847 - Friday 11 September 2009 16:19

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

toink | 0

#555864 - Friday 11 September 2009 16:26

first

Reply

sjks | 0

#556140 - Friday 11 September 2009 19:33

second

By Pulcherrimus | 0

#555850 - Friday 11 September 2009 16:21

I assume that since this didn't end with "I dumped him," that you didn't.

Reply

genius_man16 | 0

#555883 - Friday 11 September 2009 16:37

That's a dumb thing to do. It's kind of implied that she dumped him after this. Unless something happened since yesterday night and it's become normal for people to stay with their BF/GF after they cheat.

@OP: your BF and sister are both cuntrags. I say you take a shit in a bucket or something and then go to their place and pour it over their faces.

By Rodiles | 0

#555858 - Friday 11 September 2009 16:24

Dang that sux!

By Nathananagiya99 | 0

#555886 - Friday 11 September 2009 16:40

you deserved it for celebrating an anniversery with your boyfriend

By moonlight_daze | 8

#555902 - Friday 11 September 2009 16:50

You're an office worker? Damn.. FYL

By Vaetrus | 0

#555903 - Friday 11 September 2009 16:50

Could have been worded better. FYL

By BenignScientists | 0

#555918 - Friday 11 September 2009 17:00

Must have stung stung like a hornet with an ice pick ...