Love: Today, my brother told me that he needed to borrow a hammer,... - FML

Today, my brother told me that he needed to borrow a hammer, a chisel, and a drill just in case. I asked him if he was finally getting round to starting work on his apartment. Not at all, he was just going to crack open the coconut he'd just bought at the supermarket. FML

By Alan

Kim Chaing's Illustrated FML

Last week it was Auntie Bernie’s explosive return, with her grenade-like advice. We’re returning to normal programming this week, with...

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By caisse à outs / Wednesday 23 September 2015 01:06 / France

BO Central

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Family issues

By Should I stay or go? - United States - Seattle

Today, I was supposed to hear from my supervisor about whether or not my company was going to be letting me go. I've been on continual probation for the last 6 months, waiting to hear when they'll decide. She'd said last Friday that I'd definitely hear from her today. It's now 5:30 p.m. She's gone home. FML

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By Tickettoride - Austria - Vienna

Today, my boyfriend and I stressed out preparing for our one week holiday. We packed for the whole day, said goodbye to everyone and arrived at the airport quite exhausted after a 45-minute train ride. Turns out our flight isn't until tomorrow. The check-in lady couldn't stop laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fairfield

Today, I was driving around with a few friends when one of them suggested we go in to an insurance company's office and sing their jingle. I'm an awful singer, so I was planning on lip syncing. Everyone else had the same idea. FML

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By TaffyMichele - United States - La Verne

Today, my boyfriend told me to text him when I got home to let him know I'd made it home safe. He said if I didn't, he'd assume that aliens had abducted me and that he'd get a new girlfriend. He was completely serious. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Elkhart

Today, at work a customer bitched me out for not explicitly telling her that our peanut butter pancakes contain real peanut butter. She's threatening to sue because she's allergic to peanuts. FML

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By maharaja

Today, multiple people informed my girlfriend that I’m cheating on her. I’m not. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after finally sleeping with a girl for the first time in I don't know how long, at some point during sex she managed to completely crush my balls. I acted cool until she left, then I had to wake my parents up at 3 a.m. to take me to the hospital where I was diagnosed testicular bruising. FML

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By maggie2014 - United States - Lufkin

Today, I fell asleep listening to my music and tanning at the beach. Not only did I wake up with a sunburn, but my iPhone had been stolen. FML

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By XxOx - France

Today, my mom is going with me for a general check-up at the doctor's office. She just told me she had a nightmare last night that she went to the doctor with me, and he told her I'm pregnant. I am pregnant. I was about to tell her. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I realised I can tell which family member has just left the bathroom from the smell alone. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Rancho Cordova

Today, my ex-girlfriend started dating the guy she told me not to worry about when we dated. FML

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By manhandled - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate. He picked me up and threw me over his shoulder to take me to his room. He wasn't careful enough, and dropped me right on my head, on the hardwood floor. I ended up vomiting and came down with a headache. He still wanted to have sex. FML

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By Savannah - United States

Today, like every other day this past week at Bonnaroo, I've been placing my belongings in the cubbyhole inside the portapotties as I use. Today, I also learned that those "cubbyholes" are urinals. FML

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By Kelly - United States - Roseville

Today, I found out that all the things I've lent to my best friend over the last few years that have never been returned were actually pawned off so she could pay her cable bill. FML

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By Welp - Romania

Today, I found out that my company used a nice photo of my coworkers and me for their corporate website, in efforts to make their office seem fun and relaxed. This wouldn't be so bad if they hadn't just fired every single person in the photo, myself included. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my annoying and disrespectful roommate discovered Pandora. She also discovered that she can play Christmas music on Pandora. Only 23 more days until Christmas. FML

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By Sue Ellen - United States - Providence

Today, at my wedding, my husband stood up to give a speech. It started out beautiful, until he told everyone how he started to fall in love with me after I blew him on our first date. FML

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By Kayt - United States

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me for the first time. He stopped just as I was about to orgasm, and asked if I could finish by myself. Apparently he'd come up with a new algorithm for the Rubik's Cube on my desk and wanted to try it out. FML

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By justmeagain

Today, my girlfriend left me. The reason? She sent me a link to a story online about a woman who abused her dog to the point of death and I didn’t vomit while reading it. According to her, that makes me a “heartless monster.” FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my girlfriend's dad refused to give me permission to marry his daughter because I'm "covered in gang tattoos" and he doesn't want his daughter marrying a criminal. The only tattoos I have are the Game of Thrones direwolf and a quote from the Lord of the Rings movies. FML

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By CaseyFpC85 - United States

Today, the girl I've been dating, and starting to fall in love with, walked out of the bathroom claiming we were going to be parents. I jumped off of the couch in disbelief, yelling, "Really?" She replied, "Really. I just gave birth to a huge dump baby." FML

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By have it your way - United States - Rochester

Today, during a boat trip with my boyfriend's family, I got seasick and went to the side of the boat to puke. A current rocked the boat so badly that I fell overboard, prompting a panicked rescue and my boyfriend's mom muttering that I'm a pathetic attention whore. FML

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By mylove - United States

Today, my daughter said "I love you mom", to me for the first time I can remember. She is 16 years old. She said it because I bought her first thong. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/7/2020 05:00

What?

Today, I found out that my hearing is average for a 60-year-old. I'm 30. FML

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By Originality18 - United States

Today, I called the florist and ordered a flower arrangement for my grandma, who I was told was sick. I said I didn't know what to get her, so just to send her something nice. I got a call from my mom calling me an inconsiderate bastard. They sent my grandma forget-me-nots. She has Alzheimers. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was walking through my kitchen when I discovered a weak spot in the floor. Tomorrow, I'm going to have to fix the giant hole caused when I put my foot through it. FML

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By Screamingfirecracker - Canada

Today I finally worked up the nerve to quit my job after being tortured by my boss for months. My boss responded by throwing a hard-covered textbook at me and hitting me in the face. FML

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By pumpkinbutt - France

Today, I hurried into the bank to cash in the $5,000 check my grandparents had given me for college money. I found out that instead of my name, they wrote 'our sweet iddle pumpkinbutt'. I couldn't make eye contact with anyone after. FML

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By myeyesburn - Canada

Dangleberries

Today, I got up from bed after a good night's sleep, and walked outside. The first thing I saw was my 60-ish year-old neighbor bent over, picking up a newspaper. He was wearing nothing but a way too short bathrobe and a pair of rubber boots. FML

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By Anonymous

Sashay away!

Today, someone called out "Ma'am!" while approaching me from behind, but then said "Oops, sir!" when I turned around. I was wearing a corset and miniskirt with leggings. They were correct the first time. FML

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By Jenn - United Kingdom - London

Today, I complained to my two roommates about housework not being done. They both put their hands over their ears and started screaming at the top of their voice. They do this pretty much whenever I say anything to them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Vancouver

Today, I caught my teenage daughter doing her laundry for the first time ever. She had piles of black and white, but then she threw them together in the washing machine. I told her blacks and whites were supposed to be separate, but she just said, "End the segregation, mom." FML

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By Anonymous - India

Today, I saw an old homeless man who had just fallen down due to his drinking. Everyone laughed at him, but I felt bad, so I went to help him up. My reward? A quick punch in the face, landing me in the hospital. FML

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By Megara - United States

Today, I was telling my dad about how I emasculated my guy friends because I can drive a stick shift while they can't. He said, "And you wonder why people think you're a lesbian." FML

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By JB - United States - Somerset

Today, while my husband and I were arguing, he walked away in the middle of my sentence yelling, "Remember babe, you're only my current wife!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend and her mom dropped me off at home. I told my girlfriend that I love her. She said nothing, then her mom blurted out, "I love you too!" and drove away. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I spent three hours getting ready to go out to lunch with my boyfriend, only to find out he meant we're going to the McDonald's inside Wal-Mart so he can also pick up condoms. FML

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By Semius

Today, I saved a young girl from drowning in a hotel pool with no lifeguards on duty. The girl's mother was too busy on her phone to notice what was happening, and when I called out to her, she started yelling at her daughter for going in too far. Never bothered to thank me for saving her kid either. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2020 14:02

Can't see for shit

Today, I was out walking my dog. After he took a dump, I went to pick it up but my glasses fell right in his poop. I didn’t have tissue, just the plastic bag. FML

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By GotMyBitchBack - United States - Zanesville

Today, I got home from work and found my dog missing. When I asked my neighbor if she saw what happened, I saw my dog sleeping on her couch. She tried to say it was hers. FML

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Top comments

By electrodude | 15

#6417671 - Wednesday 23 September 2015 10:40

Put the lime in the coconut and drink it all up
You put the lime in the coconut and drink it all up
You put the lime in the coconut and drink it all up
You put the lime in the coconut and call the doctor woke him up
I said Doctor! Is there nothing I can take
I said Doctor! To relieve this bellyache
I said Doctor! Is there nothing I can take
I said Doctor! To relieve this bellyache

By zapte | 7

#6417674 - Wednesday 23 September 2015 10:46

And what is the issue? I do very similar things to coconuts I buy.

COMMENTS

By electrodude | 15

#6417671 - Wednesday 23 September 2015 10:40

Put the lime in the coconut and drink it all up
You put the lime in the coconut and drink it all up
You put the lime in the coconut and drink it all up
You put the lime in the coconut and call the doctor woke him up
I said Doctor! Is there nothing I can take
I said Doctor! To relieve this bellyache
I said Doctor! Is there nothing I can take
I said Doctor! To relieve this bellyache

Reply

AmIReallyRenee | 20

#6417762 - Wednesday 23 September 2015 14:07

brilliant

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pinkster2014 | 25

#6417771 - Wednesday 23 September 2015 14:20

I meant to up-vote this. Sorry :/

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buddy_J | 16

#6417847 - Wednesday 23 September 2015 16:55

I though it was "put the lime in the coke, you nut

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NYM88 | 26

#6418089 - Wednesday 23 September 2015 21:42

@38 That was what Coca Cola used for their commercial for Lime Coke, you Nut.

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smoothies14 | 32

#6422463 - Tuesday 29 September 2015 0:01

Did the doctor fix his bellyache?

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crazystories00 | 12

#6428438 - Tuesday 6 October 2015 22:48

yes yes lol

By hellnosucka | 27

#6417672 - Wednesday 23 September 2015 10:44

you need to drill into him some priorities.

By llama_monicz | 21

#6417673 - Wednesday 23 September 2015 10:44

At least he'll be prepared :)

By zapte | 7

#6417674 - Wednesday 23 September 2015 10:46

And what is the issue? I do very similar things to coconuts I buy.

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yogbeer | 12

#6456237 - Sunday 8 November 2015 0:14

That he broke the tools

By SubparAtBest | 23

#6417677 - Wednesday 23 September 2015 10:51

Coconut>GoodLiving Space.

By Dick_diamond | 22

#6417680 - Wednesday 23 September 2015 10:56

He's a believer on right tools for the right job, huh?

By rt58killer10 | 19

#6417683 - Wednesday 23 September 2015 11:06

He may aswell live in the coconut.

By Oppression_fml | 19

#6417684 - Wednesday 23 September 2015 11:10

Opening coconuts is significantly more serious than I recall.

By nishimehta | 21

#6417685 - Wednesday 23 September 2015 11:11

lol! i can't stop laughin...? but thts not a bad idea too.

By americanafrican | 32

#6417687 - Wednesday 23 September 2015 11:15

git r done

Reply

SadLittleTurtle | 11

#6418461 - Thursday 24 September 2015 5:25

I'm fairly certain it's 'get 'er done'.