Love: Today, my brother told me that he needed to borrow a hammer,... - FML

Today, my brother told me that he needed to borrow a hammer, a chisel, and a drill just in case. I asked him if he was finally getting round to starting work on his apartment. Not at all, he was just going to crack open the coconut he'd just bought at the supermarket. FML

By Alan

Kim Chaing's Illustrated FML

Last week it was Auntie Bernie’s explosive return, with her grenade-like advice. We’re returning to normal programming this week, with...

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By caisse à outs / Wednesday 23 September 2015 01:06 / France

Commando

Social media was a mistake

The Blob

By Anonymous - United States - Huntington Park

Today, I have an ear infection. The pain from it radiates from my ear all the way down the left side of my face, so my doctor prescribed me something that makes half of my face numb and pretty much unusable. Tomorrow, I have to give a presentation on strokes for my med class. Go figure. FML

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By anonymous

Today, my doctor told me I should consider a breast reduction. I'm a man. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I found out that my girlfriend of almost 6 years has put me in debt over $33,000. FML

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By Geez - Netherlands

Today, I finally got intimate with my girlfriend, the girl of my dreams. I undressed and, ready to step in bed with her, I see her staring at 'it'. Which was quickly followed by laughter. FML

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By weddingbells - United States

Today, my parents had a huge fight because my mom found out my dad was cheating on her. They screamed for half an hour. Right in the middle of my wedding. FML

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By Anonymous

Definitely done that

Today, at work, I put my earphones in to listen to some music. An hour later, I realised I never pressed play. FML

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By kaleighf - United States - Hollywood

Today, a new girl showed up at my school and everyone really seems to be intrigued about her. I've been told at least five times today that she is the hotter version of me. FML

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By Charlotte

Today, I found my electric globe. It asks you where a state, country or city is and you would have to find it and click on it with the pen. I also found out that my parents would sneak into my room at night, take it and play 'strip-globe'. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I sent the girl I like a Twinkie with a note saying "Enjoy! You deserve it". I found out later through an angry email that someone had written "you damn fatty" on the end of the note. FML

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By Fluffy - United States

Today, I had to run a timed mile. I'm terrible at running. During the run, I thought I was doing a good job. That is, until the teacher told me to stop because I was three laps behind everyone else. FML

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By TheLostCauseFML - United States - Quitman

Today, I'm so broke that I had a money nightmare. I'd accidentally purchased a single potato for exactly $22 and it was non-refundable. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I ordered a pizza online to be delivered to my apartment. After an hour of waiting, I called the pizza place to ask what the problem was. Apparently, the people at the apartment below me took my already paid for pizza and ate it. FML

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By mallcop - United States

Today, while working security at the mall, someone shat his pants. The shit dripped all over the floor and escalator. I was the one who had to stand near the poop so no one stepped in it. FML

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By chris - United States

Today, I saw my bike locked outside a Starbucks down the street from my house. It was stolen about 10 days ago from my communal laundry room. There was even a cop parked across the street, but I have no proof to show that bike even belonged to me. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Wageningen

Today, I got written up with a final warning because I ''drink alcoholic beverages'' at work. I was drinking Root Beer. FML

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By becca - United States

Today, I spent five minutes waiting by a stop sign. The two cars in front of me were taking a long time to move, so I began beeping and getting angry. Turns out, these cars were parked and I was holding up a line of traffic. FML

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By Backtoschool

Today, while preparing to move into my dorm, I received two e-mails from the campus police. The first stated that there had been 76 overdoses from a synthetic drug reported around campus this week and the second said there had been a stabbing on campus this morning. Happy back to school to me. FML

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By fml - United States - Huntsville

Really!

Today, after receiving our marriage certificate, I told my wife about it. She responded with "fml". FML

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By Herbiee - United Kingdom

Today, I shaved off the beard I had been forced to grow over the past 3 weeks due to forgetting my razor when away. 15 Minutes in, with half my beard gone, I realised I had got a tan everywhere but my beard. I now have a large white patch on my face. FML

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By "Jester94752"

Today, a co-worker who lives 30 minutes out of my way had broken down so I picked him up. We were both 5 minutes late and both got fired. Our department takes 30-60 minutes to even start running. FML

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By picklemonger - 8/3/2020 16:00 - Canada

Spinning out and miserable

Today, for the first time ever, I had a bout of vertigo in the middle of a mall. It went so very nicely with my crushing loneliness. FML

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By maddie - United States - Austin

Today, I discovered that the guy I've been seeing is a firm supporter of the Westboro Baptist Church. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New Cumberland

Today, I put on a shirt that said "skilled in every position." My boyfriend took one look and said, "since when?" FML

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By Unculturedsimp - 19/5/2020 17:00

Baby daddy

Today, my girlfriend of a year broke up with me because I got her pregnant and didn't own up to it. I wouldn't have blamed her if it didn't actually happen in her dream. FML

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By NoSleep - United States

Today, I had my first day off in weeks. I was excited about getting to sleep in, until my boss called me at 6:30 in the morning to remind me I didn't have to come into work. Thanks. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Lelystad

Today, I spilled my guts to my girlfriend, saying I'm scared that all I do is upset her. I then had to sit through a speech about how upset she was that I hadn't told her sooner. FML

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By breathalizard - United States

Today, I left a party after drinking, and was soon pulled over. I frantically grabbed my mouthwash I keep for emergency situations to cover up the alcohol smell on my breath. I was given the breathalyzer almost immediately. I blew a 2.37. Apparently, alcohol is the main ingredient of Listerine. FML

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By ohmygosh - United States

Today, I accidentally asked a one-armed man which arm he wanted me to take blood from. He asked for a different nurse. FML

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By Brody89 - United States - Vancouver

Today, my overly-attached 14-year-old cat wanted attention while I was in a heated Skype argument with my girlfriend. Worked up from the fight, I raised my voice and said, "Not now, go away!" He ran to his little bed, had a heart attack and died. I was a complete dick to my cat in his last moments. FML

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By Mal2222 - United States

Today, at work, a man walked up the escalator with his chubby kid next to him and asked me where the shoe section was. I said, "For you or your son?" He said, "For my daughter." FML

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By MyPrecious... - Australia - Sydney

Today, I thought the ring my boyfriend bought for me had fallen off while emptying the trash into the bin. After panicking and emptying a week's worth of rubbish onto the ground, I found my ring safe and sound. On my other hand. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my cat still loves my boyfriend more than me. I spent around 6 months convincing my boyfriend to get a cat. FML

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By Monkeyspank

Today, my sister decided that it would be a great idea to give my almost two-year-old son some strong black coffee. FML

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By Irritated - United States - Muncie

Today, I was sitting in a drive-thru with my girlfriend waiting for our food and the idiot behind me rear-ended me. I got out of the car to tell him he'd rear-ended me. He then argued with me, saying he "didn't feel it." FML

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By Cantbreath94 - Canada

Today, while at work, I got a call. They left a voicemail. It was a 7 minute voicemail of the mattress squeaking and my mom screaming my dad's name. I am going to their house for supper tonight. FML

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By moon_paw - United States

Today, I realized that I am dating a 25 year old man-child. He turns 13 whenever he sees my boobs, complete with big eyes and saying "honk honk" whenever he touches them. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2020 21:01 - Canada - Spruce Grove

Dick appointment

Today, I walked out halfway through a much anticipated dick appointment because it became apparent that he thought my clit was located somewhere on my upper thigh. He kept rubbing it and moaning, "Oooooh, I bet you like that, baby." No, sir, I certainly did not. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my college did a fire drill, and instructions were given by intercom in English and Spanish. The guy beside me mused: "If they say it in English and Mexican, why not say it in Black too?" That guy is my idiot brother, and he was dead serious. Sometimes I think our parents are related. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, knowing that the girl I broke up with last night goes crazy after breakups, I threw away my hair products, thinking she switched them with Nair. She didn't... but she did use the key I keep under a flowerpot to take all of my clothes and burn them on my lawn while I was at work. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saddle River

Today, instead of canceling for the third consecutive time due to work-related reasons, my boyfriend sent his twin brother on our date. They both thought I wouldn't notice. FML

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Top comments

By electrodude | 15

#6417671 - Wednesday 23 September 2015 10:40

Put the lime in the coconut and drink it all up
You put the lime in the coconut and drink it all up
You put the lime in the coconut and drink it all up
You put the lime in the coconut and call the doctor woke him up
I said Doctor! Is there nothing I can take
I said Doctor! To relieve this bellyache
I said Doctor! Is there nothing I can take
I said Doctor! To relieve this bellyache

By zapte | 7

#6417674 - Wednesday 23 September 2015 10:46

And what is the issue? I do very similar things to coconuts I buy.

COMMENTS

By electrodude | 15

#6417671 - Wednesday 23 September 2015 10:40

Put the lime in the coconut and drink it all up
You put the lime in the coconut and drink it all up
You put the lime in the coconut and drink it all up
You put the lime in the coconut and call the doctor woke him up
I said Doctor! Is there nothing I can take
I said Doctor! To relieve this bellyache
I said Doctor! Is there nothing I can take
I said Doctor! To relieve this bellyache

Reply

AmIReallyRenee | 20

#6417762 - Wednesday 23 September 2015 14:07

brilliant

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pinkster2014 | 25

#6417771 - Wednesday 23 September 2015 14:20

I meant to up-vote this. Sorry :/

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buddy_J | 16

#6417847 - Wednesday 23 September 2015 16:55

I though it was "put the lime in the coke, you nut

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NYM88 | 26

#6418089 - Wednesday 23 September 2015 21:42

@38 That was what Coca Cola used for their commercial for Lime Coke, you Nut.

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smoothies14 | 32

#6422463 - Tuesday 29 September 2015 0:01

Did the doctor fix his bellyache?

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crazystories00 | 12

#6428438 - Tuesday 6 October 2015 22:48

yes yes lol

By hellnosucka | 27

#6417672 - Wednesday 23 September 2015 10:44

you need to drill into him some priorities.

By llama_monicz | 21

#6417673 - Wednesday 23 September 2015 10:44

At least he'll be prepared :)

By zapte | 7

#6417674 - Wednesday 23 September 2015 10:46

And what is the issue? I do very similar things to coconuts I buy.

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yogbeer | 12

#6456237 - Sunday 8 November 2015 0:14

That he broke the tools

By SubparAtBest | 23

#6417677 - Wednesday 23 September 2015 10:51

Coconut>GoodLiving Space.

By Dick_diamond | 22

#6417680 - Wednesday 23 September 2015 10:56

He's a believer on right tools for the right job, huh?

By rt58killer10 | 19

#6417683 - Wednesday 23 September 2015 11:06

He may aswell live in the coconut.

By Oppression_fml | 19

#6417684 - Wednesday 23 September 2015 11:10

Opening coconuts is significantly more serious than I recall.

By nishimehta | 21

#6417685 - Wednesday 23 September 2015 11:11

lol! i can't stop laughin...? but thts not a bad idea too.

By americanafrican | 32

#6417687 - Wednesday 23 September 2015 11:15

git r done

Reply

SadLittleTurtle | 11

#6418461 - Thursday 24 September 2015 5:25

I'm fairly certain it's 'get 'er done'.