Kids: Today, my daughter had ice cream while I was napping. She didn't... - FML

17/06/2013 04:33 - United States - Nottingham

Today, my daughter had ice cream while I was napping. She didn't want me to know so she put the bowl in the trashcan and put the spoon in the garbage disposal and turned it on, because she thought it would make the spoon disappear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 749

You deserved it 5 702

Hiding from the drama

Late term

Weird reason to leave, but OK

06/03/2010 08:32 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of a year decided to confess to me that almost everything he has told me in our relationship has been a lie. This includes telling me that he was single when we first met, telling me that he loved me, and telling me that I was beautiful. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 416

You deserved it 3 140

Kids are assholes to each other

By sphear880 - 21/05/2021 19:59

Today, I have discovered that my daughter is struggling with anorexia. When I sat down to talk with her about it, she said it’s because, "all the other kids at school keep calling her fat." She was underweight before, and has now gone to being severely underweight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 095

You deserved it 52

06/12/2012 11:30 - United States - Clearwater

Today, I got punched in the face after a stranger asked for a light, didn't realize it was a butane lighter and burnt the tip of his nose lighting his cigarette. Now my nose looks worse than his. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 783

You deserved it 3 395

19/11/2016 18:35 - Canada - New Westminster

Today, I was eating lunch on my first date with a really pretty girl, when my ex shows up at the same restaurant and starts telling her how bad of a boyfriend I was. My date left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 291

You deserved it 1 463

06/06/2016 13:47 - Belgium - Londerzeel

Today, I noticed I'd lost my wedding ring after returning home from a long, tiring day of painting our newly purchased home. After driving back and forth to the house for more than an hour to go looking for it, I found it tucked away in my back pocket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 764

You deserved it 3 994

03/10/2013 05:24 - Canada - Scarborough

Today, my grandmother convinced me to come to a church meeting with her. My grandmother then made funny faces at me while the pastor was speaking, causing me to laugh out loud. Everyone heard me, including the pastor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 587

You deserved it 5 570

08/12/2016 13:12

Today whilst riding my brand new dirt bike for the first time, the chain broke and slashed me down the back of the left leg with such force that it chipped the bone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 900

You deserved it 654

12/10/2009 14:52 - United States

Today, my "future" wife got drunk in front of my parents, who she was meeting for the first time. She called my dad a piece of shit and told my mom she wants to tear her own eyes out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 600

You deserved it 5 663

22/06/2015 00:50 - United States - Hebron

Today, I was invited to a fancy-shmancy charity event, and the host - my friend - told me to wear a long, ballroom, fancy gown. Turns out my friend was just being a dick and it was a pool party. I spent $200 on my hair and makeup alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 998

You deserved it 5 145

02/12/2012 08:03 - United States - Monroe

Today, my guy friend kept complaining that no one had asked him to the dance, so he probably wasn't going to go. I suggested that we go together. He laughed until his face was bright red and said, "I don't think I'll ever get that desperate." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 897

You deserved it 2 632

24/08/2009 05:16 - United States

Today, I almost got married. After the elaborate and very expensive wedding, my "husband" decided he did not want to sign the marriage license because he wasn't sure if he really wanted to settle down after all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 305

You deserved it 3 492

14/03/2015 11:04 - Netherlands - Dronten

Today, I worked up the courage to tell my girlfriend that I love her. She made a face like she'd just sucked on a lemon and said, "Um... yay, I guess...?" and awkwardly left the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 263

You deserved it 3 025

16/11/2012 05:51 - United States

Today, I came home to find that my girlfriend had repainted my bedroom. As she had offered to do it, it shouldn't have been a problem. However, she decided to return the several unopened cans of off-white paint that I'd bought for something "more neutral." Like "Sunset Orange." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 288

You deserved it 2 994

13/02/2013 11:47 - United Kingdom - Stevenston

Spicy

Today, the guy I like and his friend came home with me to work on a project. I opened my front door and my mum was at the top of the stairs completely naked, bent over, drying her hair with the hairdryer. It took a few moments for her to realise we were there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 174

You deserved it 3 072

10/07/2009 22:28 - United States

Today, I spent most of my morning comforting the guy I love because his fiancée dumped him for some other guy. He continuously told me I had no clue that kind of pain he was in. He dumped me three years ago for the girl that just left him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 419

You deserved it 9 782

Catboys rise up

By CatWoman - 11/02/2010 05:33 - United States

Spicy

Today, I hooked up with a guy who has a Facebook page for his cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 844

You deserved it 39 096

16/05/2012 02:53 - United States

Spicy

Today, I received an email from my girlfriend listing 10 ways to stop premature ejaculation. Subtle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 831

You deserved it 7 310

18/10/2010 18:02 - United States

Today, my doctor confirmed that the extreme pain I've been experiencing is due to a kidney stone. My friend decided this was the time to tell me that passing a kidney stone is the male equivalent of child birth. Hello even more pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 189

You deserved it 4 523

10/10/2018 16:00 - United States

Today, I helped this guy get into his truck after he'd locked his keys in it, and he said thank you and went on his way. Ten minutes later, a woman came out of the grocery store and freaked out, saying someone stole her truck. I helped a guy steal a truck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 251

You deserved it 729

21/05/2012 01:10 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, someone threw an open soda can at me from a car. It missed, so they circled around and threw an unopened can. That one hit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 006

You deserved it 2 015

27/09/2013 08:18 - United States - Romulus

Today, I was working the night shift when a guy came in smelling like alcohol. He kept muttering his order, so I leaned over the register to hear him better. My ear now smells of vomit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 754

You deserved it 4 415

Good boy

By Anonymous - 17/02/2013 06:01 - United States - New Bloomfield

Today, I was riding my bike, when I saw a large dog sitting in front of a house. I started to really crank the pedals, figuring that by the time it saw me, I'd be long gone. My chain popped off, I lost control and crashed onto the side of the road. The dog hadn't moved. It was a statue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 374

You deserved it 21 004

Spoiled

By good mama - 18/04/2021 04:59

Today, my mom is furious that I won’t let her babysit my kids anymore. Twice they’ve come home with vomiting and diarrhea after she let them eat nothing but desserts the entire day. Her excuse? Grandmas are supposed to spoil their grandkids. Spoil, not give them diabetes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 312

You deserved it 106

Academia ain't for everyone

By Spoopy Flame III - 18/11/2020 17:02

Today, after dropping a class for the first time ever in college in order to focus on raising my grades, I failed the test that I dropped another course to study for. By not finishing on time. After 3 days of studying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 740

You deserved it 284

05/02/2010 16:29 - United States

Spicy

Today, I woke up and had a voicemail from my boyfriend. I just thought nothing of it because it was a pocket dial. I decided to listen to it carefully and realized it was him having sex with another girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 672

You deserved it 2 445

27/11/2010 06:38 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend has a back-up girl if we break up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 604

You deserved it 4 479

16/09/2014 05:04 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, a customer told me that there was no way he was paying for his shopping. He then walked off. As it turns out, the customer IS always right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 330

You deserved it 3 270

10/09/2011 15:34 - United States

Today, I found thousands of ants in a secret nest in an unused corner of my apartment. They were feeding on the baking mix I forgot in a box from moving two months ago, and the queen has been laying her eggs on my wireless router. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 643

You deserved it 16 197

16/05/2016 00:25 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I gave my cat a little kiss on the head. Just as I was about to tell him I love him, he sneezed directly into my face. It's been two hours and I still can't get the taste of cat snot out of my mouth. I probably need to get a life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 954

You deserved it 3 620

05/08/2009 15:21 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I learned that a spontaneous romantic gesture of arriving home early with flowers and wine is not welcome when your wife is busy having sex with your brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 129 888

You deserved it 5 432

12/09/2015 01:54 - United States - Cleveland

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that no, my period arriving several days late doesn't mean I have AIDS. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 317

You deserved it 2 282

24/05/2009 21:49 - United States

Today, I went to the laundromat. I put a load in the dryer and walked away to check on my other load. When I came back, I saw a homeless man putting his dirty, wet underwear in the dryer with my clean clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 248

You deserved it 4 608

Slight overreaction?

By Anonymous - 19/03/2020 07:37

Today, my husband and I recently decided not to have kids, because neither of us like children. Learning this, my dad wrote me out of his will and my mother swore on the Bible in church that she’s never going to speak to me again until I obey God's word and start multiplying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 111

You deserved it 235

05/05/2014 07:53 - Canada - Markham

Spicy

Today, I started going on and on about dogs and their different types of breed, behaviours, expectancy, etc. When someone asked me how I know all this stuff, I meant to say, "I fucking love animals", I didn't think it through and said, "I love fucking animals". FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 377

You deserved it 23 973

Cheapskate on the run

By huntbluntz95 - 18/11/2020 11:01

Today, I was at work at a coffee shop. We charge 50 cents every 15 minutes of use of our computers. An old man tried sneaking out without paying after being at a computer. As I was telling him to pay for his time, he threw a bagel at me and ran to his car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 869

You deserved it 74

31/03/2011 07:20 - United States

Spicy

Today, while on vacation, I realized my parents and grandparents had been running off and doing quite a few errands lately. After doing some sleuthing, I discovered they were taking turns having blood-curdling sex in our other hotel room down the hall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 546

You deserved it 11 138

03/12/2018 17:30

Today, the girl I've had several passionate encounters over the past few weeks admitted we cannot entirely be together as she is married. She wants to make it work with me but cannot divorce as she would lose her visa. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 688

You deserved it 451

Going too far

By cad515 - 07/07/2021 02:01

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to try role play. She suggested I be a robber, so I went outside and tried to break in my window, wearing nothing but my underwear and a ski mask on. She decided it would be funny to call the cops, because it would, "add to the mood." They came. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 369

You deserved it 375

18/01/2010 06:36 - Canada

Today, I received a letter saying that I was accepted into university and that I qualified for a number of scholarships. Too bad an equivalent sum of money will be spent fixing the car I hit, after spinning out on ice, whilst driving home from said university. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 870

You deserved it 4 833

11/05/2011 17:51 - Bangladesh

Today, I worked 12 long hours cooped up in my office. Before leaving, my boss asked me whether I'll ever take my job seriously. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 675

You deserved it 3 393

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

Send a private message

Monday 17 June 2013 12:08

I guess her future allowances just went down the drain.

Send a private message

Monday 17 June 2013 12:24

Under five five years old: with a bit more experience, your child will go far. Above ten years old: you raised an idiot. In between: average is its own aspiration.

Comments

Monday 17 June 2013 12:07

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Send a private message

Monday 17 June 2013 12:27

How is this cute ? She might have broken the disposal, plus she's trying to keep secrets from her parents.

boredSOLDIER 33

Send a private message

Monday 17 June 2013 12:50

It's cute cuz kids do the darndest things!!

Send a private message

Monday 17 June 2013 16:10

This comment rephrased: "This is so cute, and I hope your daughter is also young, because that makes putting metal objects in a garbage disposal even cuter!".

Send a private message

Monday 17 June 2013 16:42

Yes, OP - just how old is she? I hope you reply!

Send a private message

Monday 17 June 2013 21:20

It's ok, I thought this was cute too! She is small and doesn't understand those things. It's not like she did it on purpose. This will make a funny story one day

Send a private message

Monday 17 June 2013 21:22

It sounds like she is really young.. The little girl probably wasn't doing this on purpose and it's cute and will make for a funny story one day about how she killed the garbage disposal all for a bit of ice cream. Parents need to learn to laugh at situations, you can't hold kids to the same standard of reasoning

MilkyFilmz 26

Tuesday 18 June 2013 15:05

Op didn't say agr

Send a private message

Monday 17 June 2013 12:08

I guess her future allowances just went down the drain.

ThatGuyWhoTalks 10

Send a private message

Monday 17 June 2013 12:27

Yea because a spoon and a bowl are so expensive

capslockisgood 19

Send a private message

Monday 17 June 2013 12:50

Not really but a garbage disposal is.

Send a private message

Tuesday 18 June 2013 9:22

Yes because when you take away your kids allowance, you factor in monetary damages and take just that

Send a private message

Monday 17 June 2013 12:10

Kids will do anything to avoid cleaning up lol

Send a private message

Monday 17 June 2013 13:43

I bet OP screamed for ice cream.

Send a private message

Monday 17 June 2013 20:32

I bet she ate it quietly to avoid getting caught

Send a private message

Tuesday 18 June 2013 3:58

#63 I bet OP s daughter ate it quietly for fear of getting caught yet I bet OP screamed when she heard that all to familiar metal on metal grinding noise !!!! If I was sleeping and my child was not waking up to that sound would scare me senseless until I made sure my child was all in one piece

vlalam 24

Send a private message

Monday 17 June 2013 12:11

U have a genius right there... U have to be extra cautious to make sure the child is on right track

Send a private message

Monday 17 June 2013 13:16

Talking of geniuses look at your spelling...

RoboCunnilingus 23

Send a private message

Tuesday 18 June 2013 7:59

Other than replacing "you" with "U", there's nothing wrong with his spelling.

Send a private message

Monday 17 June 2013 12:23

Context is important in this story. If she's younger than 6, it's cute. If she's over 18, is she seeing anybody, and can I get her number?

Olympiakos10 15

Send a private message

Monday 17 June 2013 17:12

I'm pretty sure an 18 year old isn't that stupid...

chuckcloninger 12

Send a private message

Monday 17 June 2013 18:12

Funny, funny, funny!

emilyjgraham 34

Send a private message

Monday 17 June 2013 20:53

What about the ages in between?

Send a private message

Saturday 22 June 2013 0:38

She'd probably try and put your dick down the disposal while you we're sleeping

Send a private message

Monday 17 June 2013 12:24

Under five five years old: with a bit more experience, your child will go far. Above ten years old: you raised an idiot. In between: average is its own aspiration.

christian_slate 15

Send a private message

Monday 17 June 2013 20:06

College just isn't working for kids these days :P

Send a private message

Monday 17 June 2013 12:27

Kids at their finest

worldclassrager 39

Send a private message

Monday 17 June 2013 12:51

Is it really a huge deal to hide that? If she told you I bet you would have understood...

RedPillSucks 31

Send a private message

Monday 17 June 2013 17:46

Some parents like their children to eat real food (dinner, etc) before having a snack. Also, she may have some sort of dietary restrictions that make eating ice cream, though non fatal, still problematic

Send a private message

Monday 17 June 2013 18:39

Maybe OP is a raging tiger mom (read: bitch) and the daughter was afraid of getting yelled at.

skehar 23

Send a private message

Monday 17 June 2013 13:00

If she does that over ice cream, consider yourself warned for the future. :)

Olympiakos10 15

Send a private message

Monday 17 June 2013 17:14

Next up on 1000 ways to die. A girl kills her boyfriend and hides his body so the mother doesn't find out

xxGheTToGumbYxx 16

Send a private message

Monday 17 June 2013 13:01

At least you'll have a funny childhood story to tell when your daughter is older! Im assuming she's young.

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52

You deserved it 6

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 113

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend came out as a polyamorous, and then immediately asked me if he could date another guy I thought was my friend. I’m such a pushover, I said yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 76

You deserved it 216

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 590

You deserved it 69