Today, I called my seven-year old son to help me with the ice-maker...

By unnamed - 26/7/2011 03:19 - United States

Today, I called my seven-year old son to help me with the ice-maker on the fridge because it wasn't working. Without even pausing, he turned the child lock off and started laughing at me. FML

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Kids

Everyone's an expert

Fear factor

Fairytale ending

By Alexis - 15/11/2017 23:00 - United States

Classy.

Today, I spent 12 hours in an airport rather than go back to the apartment of the man I traveled to see for the weekend. Instead of wine, dine, sixty-nine, he took me to a tailgating event and introduced me to two girls he had a threesome with. FML

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By Nic - 22/7/2010 16:46 - United States

Today, I put on some skimpy shorts and bent down to get something on the bottom shelf of the fridge to get my boyfriend's attention. On my way up, I slammed my head on the edge of the fridge. FML

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By bully slayer - 12/12/2018 10:00 - Philippines - Pasay City

Today, in the absence of my god-daughter's parents, I went in their place to see her elementary school's principal. She apparently stood up to a known bully's violence and retaliated, sending said bully to the hospital. Not only she may be facing expulsion, I may get sued by the bully's parents. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/5/2015 16:17 - Cyprus - Paphos

Today, a new employee started at our office. She's about 18, barely does any work, chews gum loudly, has no manners, and happens to sit right next to me. She also threatens to report me for harassment whenever I politely ask her to not bash my chair with the back of her chair. FML

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By not as easy as pie - 16/10/2015 16:03 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to explain to a police officer that I wasn't drunk and had swerved because I was eating pie and almost dropped it. FML

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By EMT_Koulianos - 25/5/2009 15:14 - United States

Today, I was performing CPR on a woman on her floor while her internal defibrillator kept firing, making her whole body jump. When it fired, her hand went straight up into my nuts. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2014 21:24 - Portugal - Alg

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to lose our virginity. When he saw blood, he panicked and started crying, convinced that he was bleeding out. FML

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By AverageDeskJoe - 3/5/2016 20:43 - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, I met with my boss hoping to hear about a possible raise that had been promised many months ago. He then told me that the only way I would get a raise was if I found a better paying job and took it, and that the company was in no position to offer anyone a raise. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/3/2013 16:54 - United States

Today, I almost lost my virginity at the age of 34. After years of putting off sex and waiting for marriage, the moment arrived. My new wife could't stop laughing at how small I am. FML

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By K.H - 26/10/2009 16:42 - Sweden

Today, I was reading in my bed, and my cat was lying on my chest. I noticed something white on my cat's leg. I'm far-sighted and wasn't wearing my glasses, so I didn't see what it was. I touched it and put on my glasses. Turns out it was a worm hanging out of my cat's anus. It started wiggling. FML

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By wellthisisawkward80 - 6/11/2011 05:15 - United States

Today, I was attending my bachelor party. I watched a very attractive young girl dancing on a pole, giving me a seductive look. As she walked up to me, I realized it was my soon-to-be wife's younger sister. FML

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By notacreep - 6/7/2015 17:28 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while lifeguarding over children at work, I started thinking about my girlfriend and got a hard on. Before I realized it, I saved a kid and then hopped out of the pool next to a 5 year old in front of my managers and a little over 50 patrons with a raging boner. My HR meeting is tomorrow. FML

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By Voltron - 11/1/2012 00:37 - United States

Today, I have to go on a diet, because I can't afford to buy bigger clothes. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/9/2012 17:16 - United States - Pensacola

Today, I went out clubbing with a few friends. A cute guy pointed at me from the bar and motioned for me to come over. I was excited and did just that. Turns out he just wanted to ask me if I'd thought about seeing a doctor for my jaundice. No, I just overdid my spray tan. FML

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By Bloop - 14/5/2016 00:58 - United States - Ayer

Today, my girlfriend changed our cable subscription to include MTV. This made us lose the only channel I care about: HBO. Goodbye Game of Thrones, hello Teen Mom. FML

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By JPPUDLY - 11/12/2012 23:03 - United States - Los Gatos

Today, I had to create a perfect society in English class; the best society has their grade go up a full letter. After tons of preparation and thinking, I lost to an island made only of cheese. FML

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By AmericanAlien - 9/3/2014 02:15 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I've been waiting for a very important document in the mail. It has been two months. I reviewed my application and realized I forgot to put a mailing address down. FML

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By Misty Michelle Jones - 24/8/2019 20:00

Today, I purchased a rather expensive, self-cleaning litter box for my 4 cats. Now they're shitting outside of the box. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/1/2013 13:06 - United States - Tampa

Today, I realized my girlfriend makes the same exact noises in bed and when she eats. I don't know if I'm a really good cook or a really bad lover. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2009 08:40 - Canada

Today, I was in my Cosmetic Application class, and we were about to apply foundation to our models. I walk over to my friend and say "Wow, that foundation is really orange and blotchy." Then the model turns to me and says "Actually, we haven't started yet... that's just my skin." FML

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2016 07:39 - Australia - Balwyn North

Today, during an unrelated appointment with my GP, he offered me a free check for chlamydia. Despite me reassuring him that I was STI free, he insisted that I should undergo the test. I ended up agreeing, only because I was too embarrassed to admit that I'm still a virgin. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/12/2012 18:55 - United Kingdom - Southwold

Today, my parents heard from my sister that I'd recently lost my virginity to my girlfriend. I've never been bitched out so viciously in my life, and yet my sister, whom everyone knows has had numerous casual sexual partners this year, is treated like a princess 24/7. FML

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By single - 8/8/2015 06:23 - United States - Houston

Today, my psycho ex crashed a date with my girlfriend. She acted like we were still together and made a big show of dumping me for cheating on her. My actual girlfriend bought it hook line and sinker. Now I'm single again. FML

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By Unclicked - 1/8/2009 11:58 - Singapore

Today, my long-distance boyfriend wanted to spend time online with me. He kept quiet on Skype and went on a hundred different stupid websites, laughing by himself. Afterwards, he told me he really enjoyed our time together. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2019 02:00 - United States

ACAB

Today, I got pulled over by a cop and got slammed with a ticket for expired tabs on my motorcycle. The DMV was literally across the street. I was heading there to get new tabs. FML

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By NorwegianMadman - 22/12/2016 11:55

Today, nearly Christmas, my dad got mad because I don't have enough money for holiday festivities. I can't afford things because I haven't gotten my paycheck yet. I work for my dad. FML

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By Stephanie Peugh - 15/4/2018 19:30 - United States - Loudonville

Today, during my daughter's 8th birthday at a skating rink, a family showed up that didn't RSVP. The mother brought all 3 of her kids and left them at the party alone. She didn't feed them lunch and they followed me around the whole time asking for money. FML

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By Rosie - 28/7/2018 05:00

Today, I got off a long shift and went to the bus stop. Upon arrival, I saw a girl giving a guy a blowjob. Disgusted, I tried to avoid them and sat on the bench to wait. The girl popped up angrily and looked over at me. "Can't you give us some privacy?!" This is the only bus stop nearby. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2015 16:29 - United States - Cass Lake

Today, my boss told me I got my new job because she rejected candidates that seemed "too confident" or "too pretty." FML

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By Anonymous - 28/2/2013 21:06 - Finland - Vanda

Today, I had an important job interview at another company. I'd tried to keep it secret from everyone at work, so they wouldn't tell my boss, as I can't afford to get on his bad side yet. My mom posted on my Facebook wall, wishing me luck. I'm Facebook friends with most of my colleagues. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/4/2009 04:12 - United States

John Coltrane

Today, I asked my girlfriend of a year and a half to give me a blow job. She replied okay and bent down and blew on my penis. Then she looked up at me and said, "Was that good?" She was serious. FML

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By disturbed - 17/3/2010 01:34 - United States

Today, I was walking down the street when I heard a loud splashing noise to my right. I looked over only to see a woman not squatting but bending over, spreading her cheeks, peeing a horse-sized amount of pee. I can't un-see this. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/2/2016 23:21 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I had to give up going to a therapist because it was too expensive and my parents couldn't afford it. Meanwhile, a girl in my class is getting a therapist for her dog. FML

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By "ironyyyyyyy" -_- - 31/10/2013 16:58 - United States - Marion

Today, I gave a short presentation at a neighborhood watch event to raise awareness of pickpocketing and to give tips on how to avoid becoming a victim of it. After I got back home, I realized my wallet was missing from my pocket. FML

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By Hammy - 25/11/2014 02:17 - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, I finally noticed how lonely I am when I realized I was petting my couch while reading a book. FML

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By Shitty day - 24/5/2016 05:59 - United States - Agoura Hills

Today, while explaining to a group of kids that monkeys are very intelligent creatures, one of them flung poo in my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/12/2010 16:28 - United Kingdom

Today, I was waiting for my food at McDonald's. I watched the most obese, sweaty man sneeze into the chips, wipe his nose on his hand and use his hand to shovel chips into a bag. They were my chips. FML

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By C0r1nn3 - 7/6/2012 04:02 - United States - Santa Clara

Today, I was cuddling with my boyfriend in bed after a round of amazing sex. He decided it would be a great time to stick his finger up my nose. FML

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By notgay - 21/6/2015 06:04 - United States - Cranford

Today, I brought my best friend home and told my dad we were going to study together. He loudly replied "Woah!", stumbled around for a few seconds like he was drunk, then apologized and said the "sheer amount of gayness" between us had overloaded his gaydar. We're not gay, dammit! FML

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By ohgosh1428 - 18/7/2019 04:00

Today, in Las Vegas, after taking my drunk dad and his drunk friend to their respective hotel rooms, I realised that I, 16 years-old, am the responsible one. FML

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Top comments

By TheRealBruce | 12

#2978712 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 9:13

oh noo!

By MsSoulReaper | 27

#2978761 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 9:16

You just got owned by your son. haha

Comments

By TheRealBruce | 12

#2978712 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 9:13

oh noo!

ZombieeeeUnicorn | 1

#2978876 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 9:25

hmm they get smarter every day.

YayorNay | 8

#2979029 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 9:43

Is he going to wipe your ass too?

iEthan | 5

#2979058 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 9:47

You got the wrong family guy character on. It's Cleveland.

iEthan | 5

#2979081 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 9:50

^That shows how long it's been since I've seen that episode:/

skiier4life | 1

#2979084 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 9:50

No he didn't. The character in the picture's line is "oh noo"

TheRealPeter | 6

#2981786 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 21:36

Bruce? Is that you? You have a FML account to?

TheRealPeter | 6

#2981961 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 22:17

You have to be smarter then the lock, Wait. Bruce? Is that you?

TheRealBruce | 12

#2983335 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 3:46

oh heyyy it's Peter yay.

justbigbs | 6

#2983371 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 3:54

Well if they're are raised as a ethical, loving and caring person, its very possible, I KNOW there's a lot of people out there, but not a lot people would go that far.