Kids: Today, I called my seven-year old son to help me with the ice-maker...

By unnamed - United States

Today, I called my seven-year old son to help me with the ice-maker on the fridge because it wasn't working. Without even pausing, he turned the child lock off and started laughing at me. FML

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Kids

Out of it

Relationships sink

Stress level: 2020

By Anownimous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my 50-something coworker followed through on his threat to file a defamation lawsuit against me. All because I jokingly said "pedo" after he bragged to everyone that his girlfriend is a smoking hot 19-year-old. FML

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By Kan23 - United States - Altus

Today, I got fired from my job. When I asked why, all that was said to me was, "We don't have to disclose that information, but you did nothing wrong. It's just not working out." FML

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By weep weep weep - United States

Today, after months of teaching my parrot to speak, he finally demonstrated his abilities. I accidentally set off my smoke detector, and he's been wailing like a dying banshee ever since. FML

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By Yup - United States

Today, I went to my boyfriend's mom's house for the first time. They had a cook-out so I got to meet his whole entire family. I went into the kitchen to find a huge picture of his ex-girlfriend on his mom's fridge. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to jump out from behind the bedroom door to surprise my boyfriend on his birthday. I slipped and broke two ribs when I hit the ground. Instead of a sexy birthday evening, he got to take me to hospital. FML

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By "Brain_fart" - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I found out that both of my cats are afraid of mice. So far I've seen them run and hide from 3 different mice who've recently invaded my apartment. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was at the park with a friend when I said "Gotta go, sorry. I've got court in an hour." The lady on the bench next to us then loudly complained how disgusting I was for being a criminal and threw her bird seed at me, dirtying my suit. I'm a lawyer with a case in an hour, not a criminal. FML

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By Rita - France

Today, on the bus, a young high school boy sat down next to me and started to chat me up. I thought it was cute until he asked me which high school I was attending. I'm 27, I'm married, I have a child. FML

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By Ian - United States

Today, I had a surgery to remove a cyst from my butt. Afterwards that doctor told me that the cyst was bigger than he initially thought, it would still secrete fluids for two weeks, and the best remedy for this was to wear a maxi-pad. I'm a guy, and am currently wearing a maxi-pad on my butt. FML

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By whyme102008 - United States

Family Matters

Today, I had to bail my dad out of jail, for beating up my boyfriend, for sleeping with my mom. FML

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By corgi problems - 15/9/2020 20:05

Doggy dog world

Today, I walked into my house after my nightshift as a nurse and my corgi had the house turned upside down, with things everywhere. I have people coming to look at the house in 2 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/11/2020 23:01

You've got some explaining to do

Today, my boyfriend accidentally synced his contacts to my phone. I'm not sure who I want to message first, "Amber (Big Ass)", "Kayla (Baby Girl)", or one of the other 64 with similar descriptions in parentheses. FML

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By angry - Canada - Scarborough

Respect

Today, I came out as lesbian and introduced my new girlfriend to my family. My mom angrily told me that I should have waited until my grandparents had died before coming out, and that I was "extremely disrespectful" for making this announcement. I honestly thought everyone would be fine with it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, I was making love to my fiancée, when she dug her nails into my back and told me to "choke" her like I did last night. I was at work last night. FML

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By bellaellaella - United States

Hi Molly

Today, after months of enduring my neighbor's relentlessly yapping schnauzer, Molly, I moved into a new building. I was greeted by my new neighbor and her yapping rat terrier, Molly. FML

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By halfmypaycheckgone - United States - Monroe

Today, a state trooper ticketed me after learning I was ticketed for the same offense an hour earlier, namely driving with a broken headlight. The good news is that both tickets will be dismissed if I go to court. The bad news is that I'd have to go to different courthouses at the same time of day. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my parents made me quit a school team that I absolutely loved, because women "aren't supposed to play sports." and were worried that if I stayed on the team, I'd develop a manly physique. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it took me and my husband three hours to put our new book shelves together. It took our cat all of three seconds to knock it all down. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Butler

Today, after working the night shift, I accidentally left my iPod at the office. I woke up later and went on Facebook. To my dismay, I saw some coworker had posted stuff on my wall, such as, "I really have to take a shit!" and "Yes, my tits are real!" FML

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By Aiaiii - Germany

Today, I spent some time in a sun-bed to prepare myself for a very special reunion with my boyfriend, who I haven't seen in 6 months. I hope he likes crispy red butt-cheeks, and I wonder whether they will start peeling before or after he returns. FML

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By dirk855 - United States

Today, I crashed into a ditch on my way home from work. I had to walk 2 miles in -25 below zero weather before I could pick up a cell phone signal to call a tow truck. When I got back to my car, a cop was waiting for me with a ticket for leaving the scene of an accident. FML

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By FirstDaddy - United States - Southfield

Today, my daughter told me that she liked her "other daddy" better. I don't know who's she talking about, but my wife is doing a good job telling her to be quiet. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my dad told me it would be fine to use the mounting tape he'd bought to place paintings up in my newly painted room. I did, but after deciding I wanted to move a painting and pulling it off the wall, the wall came with it. Back to square one. FML

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By lonely otaku - Canada - North Vancouver

Today, Christmas changed my life. Last year I had a boyfriend to cuddle with on Christmas; this year I have a body pillow of an anime character. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, without thinking, I casually advised my mum that the best way to get the piping nozzle clean is to 'fingerfuck' it. FML

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By Kaitlyn Aronson

Today, my coworker spilled sticky fruit glaze all over my cake display cake and left it overnight uncleaned. The same display case I spent 2 hours cleaning the day before. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Barrie

Today, my 9 year old shitblossom of a sister decided to wake me up by hocking a loogie into my mouth. FML

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By FANZZY - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I learned that when someone is choking you don't do the "hymen maneuver", you do the "heimlich maneuver". I was corrected by my girlfriend's parents. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/10/2020 08:58 - United States

Ties that bind

Today, I offered to give my ex a ride home from work. He and I ended on good terms years ago, we just aren't compatible with each other. I dropped him off and not ten seconds later, he came back out looking sick. His fiancee was inside having sex with MY new boyfriend. FML

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By MsGlaDos - United States - Austin

Today, I accidentally left some music playing on my iPad, then left to do some errands. When I came back, I found it smashed into a million pieces. Apparently, grandpa couldn't find any other way to "shut off that goddamn music." FML

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By ShadowJack - United States

Today, my mom walked in on me masturbating. She didnt look away and we stared at each other for a while; then she asked me what I wanted from McDonalds. FML

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By loquacious shit stain - Australia

Today, I had drinks at a friend's house before going out to a concert. I still had a bottle of beer left, so I brought it along with me. I got kicked out five minutes into the show for bringing my own drink, which is apparently against the rules. I paid $75 to get kicked out over a $3 drink. FML

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By clumsy - United States - Stafford

Today, I slipped and fell on a piece of plastic. I thought nothing of it until I went to the doctor's and found out that I fractured and dislocated my kneecap. I'm now in a full leg brace and crutches. Prom is five days away. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Worcester

Today, my husband had a temper tantrum because I wouldn't get him a chocolate bar at the store register. FML

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By Former Professor

Today, I happily went to an interview after job searching for months. I learned a large part of my job would be cleaning the toilets. Every. Single. Hour. I used to lecture at a university until budget cuts happened. FML

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By Sam

Today, my 5-year-old daughter innocently asked a lady how much money she makes. In response, the lady bent down and slapped my daughter so hard she fell on her butt and cried. Then she slapped me for "not raising her right". FML

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By station - United States

Look out!

Today, I was walking out of the train station when an old man grabbed me. I started screaming, yelling, "HELP" like a madwoman and tried pushing him away - that's when I saw the golf cart rush past me. He was trying to push me aside from getting run over. Everyone started laughing. FML

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By MedChew - Malaysia - Kuala Lumpur

Today, my obsessive-compulsive mother barred me from using the toilet she had just cleaned. She told me to wait until tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous

Am I even here?

Today, I got written up at work for not cleaning up the breakfast area, and because multiple guests complained how sloppy and messy it looked. I'm on lockdown in a completely different country. FML

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By deadinavan - Germany

Today, I found out the man I'm getting a ride from drives a windowless van and is "excited to see me". My friends had encouraged me to sign up for the cheap-ride program because it was less expensive than taking a train. If I never come back, look for a windowless van somewhere in Europe. FML

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Top comments

By TheRealBruce | 12

#2978712 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 9:13

oh noo!

By MsSoulReaper | 27

#2978761 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 9:16

You just got owned by your son. haha

COMMENTS

By TheRealBruce | 12

#2978712 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 9:13

oh noo!

ZombieeeeUnicorn | 1

#2978876 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 9:25

hmm they get smarter every day.

YayorNay | 8

#2979029 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 9:43

Is he going to wipe your ass too?

iEthan | 5

#2979058 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 9:47

You got the wrong family guy character on. It's Cleveland.

iEthan | 5

#2979081 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 9:50

^That shows how long it's been since I've seen that episode:/

skiier4life | 1

#2979084 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 9:50

No he didn't. The character in the picture's line is "oh noo"

TheRealPeter | 6

#2981786 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 21:36

Bruce? Is that you? You have a FML account to?

TheRealPeter | 6

#2981961 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 22:17

You have to be smarter then the lock, Wait. Bruce? Is that you?

TheRealBruce | 12

#2983335 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 3:46

oh heyyy it's Peter yay.

justbigbs | 6

#2983371 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 3:54

Well if they're are raised as a ethical, loving and caring person, its very possible, I KNOW there's a lot of people out there, but not a lot people would go that far.