Kids: Today, I called my seven-year old son to help me with the ice-maker...

By unnamed - United States

Today, I called my seven-year old son to help me with the ice-maker on the fridge because it wasn't working. Without even pausing, he turned the child lock off and started laughing at me. FML

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Kids

Instadrama

BO Central

Surprise strike

By rejected - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he has "commitment issues". He said he "cared" for me but didn't "love" me. He did this 30 minutes after we'd hooked up and said we loved each other. FML

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By Jimii Liu - United States

Today, I had a date with a woman. She brought her dog along. Every time when I touched her, the jealous male dog began to bark and tried to bite me. FML

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By fired - United States - Barnesville

Today, I called work crying, telling them that I wouldn't be able to go to work tomorrow due to my grandmother's sudden and tragic death. After hanging up, I walked into the midnight release of Grand Theft Auto 5. I had no idea my boss was also an avid gamer. FML

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By Allison Arsenault - 7/6/2020 08:08

Cheap-ass perv!

Today, I found out my boyfriend of 5 years thinks that it is too expensive to get married, go on vacations, concerts, etc., but spends $100+/month on Hentai. FML

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By em from Cali - United States - Visalia

Today, a homeless lady decided she needed to change underwear in the middle of the sidewalk. I turned around just in time to see her legs in the air with no undies on. I can never eat salami again. FML

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By chew toy - United Kingdom - Newcastle Upon Tyne

Today, I went to see my sister and took a couple of dog biscuits for her dog. I forgot about them until later when I realised I had a hole in my pocket, near my crotch. The dog pointed this out by chomping my balls to get to the biscuits. My attempts to remove him resulted in more vigorous chewing. FML

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By JB - United States

Today, it was my first day as a vacuum salesman. While I was demonstrating how well it removed stains, I managed to smear stuff over the area I was cleaning. So not only was I unsuccessful in removing the original stains, I left them with worse carpet than when I got there. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was so tired at the pet store I was working at that I accidentally offered a kid a dog treat instead of their dog. He ate it. While his mom watched. FML

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By Missy - Australia

Today, my parents had a fight as to which one of them is the most cultured. As a result, they've begun writing my chore lists in a variety of languages. If I don't do them, I'm grounded. I only speak English. FML

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By stinkyhair - United States

Today, thanks to some asshole with a padlock, I got trapped in porta potty for over an hour. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that the gentle, adorable oral surgeon who took out my wisdom teeth last year was recently arrested for rape. FML

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By bottomdrawerraider - United States

Today, my mother was over visiting. My three year old ran out of my room chasing the cat with his toy. He smacked the cat with it, the cat scratched him, he dropped it and ran away. I was busy with the baby so I asked my mom to take the toy away. She walked back holding my pink dildo. FML

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By ChiefKoala - 27/1/2020 14:00 - United States - Rockwood

Vibrate mode

Today, my stomach growled so loudly in class that my professor told us to make sure our phones were silenced. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Dollard-des-ormeaux

Today, I went with my boyfriend to his church youth group for the first time. I found out a girl there likes him, when she decided to pull me off him while we were hugging, and take my place. FML

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By Rusty - United States - New City

Today, I found out that my parents secretly throw away any food I cook for them, because they think I might try to poison them. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, a cute thirty-ish chick walked into the bar I work in. I asked her for her license to make her feel young. She didn't have her license on her and started yelling about how stupid it was to even ask, when she obviously was old enough to drink. She then got up and left. FML

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By BiteMe - United States - Upper Marlboro

Today, my dentist told me I have a cavity and blamed it on the "subpar" toothpaste I've been using - the same toothpaste he recommended six months ago at my last appointment. FML

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By desperate - Denmark

Today, while at a club, I walked up to a cutie who had been eyeing me all night. I asked him "Is that a phone in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?". He simply replied "It's a phone" before walking away. FML

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By blackandblue - United States

Today, I was waiting for a friend to pick me up. It was after dark and I was nervous, so when he pulled up I immediately jumped in the car. The young girl in the driver's seat started freaking out, screaming and punching me in the face repeatedly. I'd accidentally gotten in the wrong car. FML

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By jj4320 - United States

Today, I got pulled over for distracted driving. Not for cell phone use but for nose picking and inspecting. FML

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By oof - 9/7/2020 23:01

Boom, headshot

Today, my fiancé and I were discussing whether we should have a gun in the house or not. He argued that I’m too clumsy to have one. Offended, I turned around to storm off. I hit my forehead on the cabinet I'd left open and immediately started gushing blood. Point proved. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was on MSN when the conversation died. So I lied and told them I had to go get ready for a party, and that everyone was expecting me there. I spent the rest of the night playing The Sims. FML

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By Milk Dispenser - United States - Herriman

Today, breastfeeding my infant has become so automatic that when my dog nuzzled up against me while I was sleeping, I lifted up my shirt and unhooked my nursing bra. FML

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By Lvdkinda - United States

Dammit

Today, after a month of planning, I started to tease my boyfriend of 3 years about the wonderful anniversary plans I had made for us. It was a secret, so I let him try and guess. He said "As long as its not a spa day. that would suck I would never go." It's a spa day. That I've already paid for. FML

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By Nick - United States

Today, while I was working as a waitress, I had to wait on a table of 13 people. I was struggling through it and when they finally left I went by the table to pick up my tip. Instead of a money I got a napkin saying "Here's your tip, don't be a waitress." FML

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By gp28 - United States

Today, I woke up to hear my boyfriend drunkenly crashing around in the living room, after peeing in an ashtray because he thought it was a urinal. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I was leaving the car wash when I saw my friend walking on the sidewalk. I pulled over next to her and asked if she wanted a ride. Only after getting a face full of the soda she was drinking did I realize I was talking to a complete stranger. FML

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By XRayXLopez1 - United States - Dallas

Today, I met a friend I hadn't seen in forever. After talking for a while, he says "I knew there was a reason I stopped talking to you." FML

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By Danno - United States

Today, I was playing GTA4 and went on its fake dating site to email a girl to go on a date with. I've never had much luck with dating in real life, so I figured the game would be more kind to me. After a while I went back to check my email, and the fake girl I'd propositioned told me to get lost. FML

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By Clumsy - United States

Today, I was doing a fitness test. Though clumsy, I managed to spin around a bat then dash across a balance beam, run through some tires, and walk across a log floating in water. Pleased with my performance, I walked to the bathroom, tripped on my shoelace, and busted my head on the floor. FML

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By a_B_c_D_e_F_g - United States

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend. I opened my eyes to see his eyes fixed on something else. I turned my head to see what was so interesting. He was on his iPhone looking up recipes for things to wrap in bacon. FML

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By sigh - United States - North Branford

Today, I gave the guy I've been seeing a copy of my newly published book, because I know he loves writing. He started reading and commented on how amazing it was. Then he gave it back. He didn't realize it was a gift. My awkward self didn't correct him. I'd written him a sweet letter inside. FML

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By poohanne - United States - Ville Platte

Today, my mom made up a new game. She thinks it's hilarious to hide my brother's creepy Batman toy around the house to creep me out. This has been going on for hours and I still scream every time. FML

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By Sleeeeeep - France

Today, I had to tell my doctor the real reason why I can't sleep at night for him to prescribe me anymore Ambien: I still have the irrational fear that there are monsters in the closet. I'm 22. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Escondido

Today, I have the flu. I had to wash the dishes, cook dinner, take out the trash, and take care of the laundry, all while my wife sat around watching TV, because she was "too tired". I work 8 hours a day. She's a college student. She doesn't see what's so unfair about this. FML

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By assdialed. - United States

Today, I got a phone call from my dad that I haven't heard from in months. I didn't answer, but it left me an accidental voicemail saying "Oh s***, I didn't mean to call her!" FML

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By Anonymous

Today, working midnight at a coffee shop, I had a customer set down his phone on the counter to pay. Screen up. Still playing his, "Ebony Rimjob" porn. FML

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By broken finger - United States

Today, while wiping my ass, the broken finger that has been set straight dipped into the toilet and touched a turd. This keeps happening since I broke it, and I'm sure it will again. FML

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By crap - United States

Today, I finally told my best friend whom I've secretly been in love with for two years that I was in love with her but at the last second chickened out and said I was joking. She replied with "Don't scare me like that. I thought I was going to have to find a new best friend for a second" FML

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By prick - United States - Dover

Today, as I rung up a customer's groceries, he gave me a pitying look and said I'd have a "real job" if I'd only studied harder. FML

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Top comments

By TheRealBruce | 12

#2978712 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 9:13

oh noo!

By MsSoulReaper | 27

#2978761 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 9:16

You just got owned by your son. haha

COMMENTS

By TheRealBruce | 12

#2978712 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 9:13

oh noo!

ZombieeeeUnicorn | 1

#2978876 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 9:25

hmm they get smarter every day.

YayorNay | 8

#2979029 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 9:43

Is he going to wipe your ass too?

iEthan | 5

#2979058 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 9:47

You got the wrong family guy character on. It's Cleveland.

iEthan | 5

#2979081 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 9:50

^That shows how long it's been since I've seen that episode:/

skiier4life | 1

#2979084 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 9:50

No he didn't. The character in the picture's line is "oh noo"

TheRealPeter | 6

#2981786 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 21:36

Bruce? Is that you? You have a FML account to?

TheRealPeter | 6

#2981961 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 22:17

You have to be smarter then the lock, Wait. Bruce? Is that you?

TheRealBruce | 12

#2983335 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 3:46

oh heyyy it's Peter yay.

justbigbs | 6

#2983371 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 3:54

Well if they're are raised as a ethical, loving and caring person, its very possible, I KNOW there's a lot of people out there, but not a lot people would go that far.