Today, my brother mentioned my dad's birthday party. I said,...

By Anon - 1/4/2015 06:06 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my brother mentioned my dad's birthday party. I said, "What party?" He said, "Shit, forgot I wasn't supposed to tell you." My own father doesn't want me at his party. FML

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Love

Business savvy

Car Wars

Basic Instinct

By Anonymous - 7/2/2014 18:51 - Mayotte - Mamoudzou

Today, I found a roach in my takeaway. I found it after I felt something hard in my mouth and spat pieces of it back out onto my plate. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/8/2019 20:00

Today, I learned that the gong my job installed less than 30 feet from my desk is being moved, due to noise complaints. To the office building I'm moving to in a few weeks. FML

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By bagadigi - 27/10/2016 14:18 - Canada - Nepean

Today, I was sitting in my old rusty truck in an empty parking lot, when some old lady parks beside me and opens her door, hitting my truck. Having a used up truck, I didn't mind. But you could tell that it made her mad, when she came back with the manager demanding that I pay for her paint job. FML

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By dan - 25/1/2010 00:50 - Canada

Today, to my surprise my girlfriend said, "I've never felt this way before." We have been dating for six months, and I knew that I loved her, so I replied, "Me neither, I love you." There was a long awkward pause. Turns out, she was talking about her abnormally painful period cramps. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2010 04:09 - United States

Today, my nose was really stuffy. I heard somewhere that inhaling tea steam clears up the nose. While reading a magazine I inhaled my cup of green tea steam, without knowing that slowly I was moving my cup closer to my nose. Hot tea was sucked into my left nostril and burned the inside badly. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2011 15:47 - United States

Today, a lady came into my workplace to pay her $120 bill in one dollar bills. I kept losing count. FML

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By Cameron - 29/10/2017 06:00

Today, I went for dinner and bowling with a woman I met online. The Mexican food was great but my bowels started feeling it during our first game. I slipped on the bowling lane and the impact of my ass hitting the ground made me shit myself. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2013 16:11 - United States - Spokane

Today, I went down on my boyfriend, and tried out a new trick I learned. I read in a magazine that if you hum while giving oral, it's supposed to feel good. My boyfriend started laughing and told me to stop after 30 seconds because I reminded him of his singing toothbrush. FML

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By unluckysamaritan - 15/10/2016 08:51 - Sweden - H??r

Today, someone stole my purse and phone while I was giving CPR to someone who had a heart attack on the subway. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2010 03:30 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting it on in his room. In a sexy voice, I asked him, "What are you thinking right now?" He replied, "I'm thinkin' Arby's." FML

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By simon - 11/1/2018 06:00

Today, my mother, who insists on sticking her nose into every aspect of my life, found out I'm only "middle management" and called my boss to criticize her for undervaluing me, demanding I be promoted immediately. I am now the laughingstock of my office. FML

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By peeepeee. - 3/6/2009 20:06 - United States

Today, while taking a drug test for a volunteer job, I found out that I have a "shy bladder". It took me ages to pee into a cup. I was congratulated and clapped for by complete strangers when I finally left for taking a piss. FML

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By Username - 30/4/2011 04:49 - United States

Today, I was cruising with a coworker and his friend, and I started getting tired. His friend offered me a caffeine pill. It wasn't caffeine. It was laxatives. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2009 20:57 - United States

Today, the 86 year old guy next door told me I needed three things in life to succeed: a cook book, a boyfriend, and a boob job. FML

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By xXWhiteSheepXx - 8/4/2016 02:28 - United States - Omaha

Today, my cat likes to share my pillow at night. I guess she was extra comfortable last night, because she didn't bother getting off it to hack up a hairball. I woke up because I rolled my face onto it. FML

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By Scarred4Life - 11/10/2015 03:30 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while babysitting my nephew, I was looking through a bin of toys, and I saw a fake spider. I picked it up to do a prank with. It wasn't fake. FML

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By smyp - 27/5/2015 22:27 - Lithuania - Vilnius

Today, I was let go from my job, because I "progress too quickly and there's no promotions available" and I "can find a better place to work at". FML

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By Nawel - 13/12/2008 06:54 - France

Today, I help myself to a piece of a cake brought by guests at a birthday party. I don't like it much so I discreetly attempt to give it to the girl next to me. I ask her "Do you want some? It's sort of disgusting." She replies: "Thanks, I made it." FML

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By wellfuck - 2/5/2015 14:23 - United States - Lexington

Today, I realized I get more pleasure watching YouTube videos of people lighting their farts on fire than I do from making love to my husband. FML

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By bill - 28/11/2009 01:48 - United States

Today, I received a $500 fine for an "unruly" dog. I don't have a dog. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2013 17:35 - United States - Honolulu

Today, I reconnected with my best friend from childhood, and after a tearful confession, found out that for most of my engagement to my husband, she was repeatedly connecting with his penis. FML

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By Shelbs - 5/11/2011 23:35 - United States

Today, I went to get the vaccination my college requires of all students. The nurse looked at my charts and told me there was good and bad news. The good news was that I didn't need the shot. The bad news was I needed four others. Now, both of my arms are swollen enough to make Popeye proud. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2018 20:30

Today, I got a check for $100 for a random selecting at work. My boyfriend’s reaction? Light it on fire out of jealously. FML

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By chocofreak - 10/5/2009 10:23 - United States

Today, I work at a chocolate factory on the sanitation shift. I was under a machine cleaning and a spider fell on me. I started freaking out and a coworker thought I got caught in the moving parts and frantically pulled me out and alerted my boss. Turns out it was just a piece of caramel. FML

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By Sleeeeeep - 19/8/2010 04:10 - France

Today, I had to tell my doctor the real reason why I can't sleep at night for him to prescribe me anymore Ambien: I still have the irrational fear that there are monsters in the closet. I'm 22. FML

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By Ahhwtf - 18/8/2009 11:47 - United States

Today, my nose was itchy. As I reached towards it to itch it, I sneezed ridiculously hard. I punched myself in the eye and now it's all purple and puffy. FML

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By MandMandM - 19/7/2010 06:38 - United States

Today, while I was at my boyfriend's house, I got my period. About an hour after I tell him I just got my period, he impatiently says "Is it over yet?" FML

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By daddyowl - 25/5/2012 04:32 - Canada - Montreal

Today, after 5 months of unemployment and hardcore job searching, I got hired for my dream job. I called my mum to tell her all about it, to which she responded, "Great honey! Now all you need to do is lose all that weight". She allowed me all of 4 minutes of feeling good about myself. FML

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By SadFace - 12/9/2013 12:39 - Australia - Newmarket

Today, my two closest friends declared that they hated each other. They're my bridesmaids. The wedding is in three weeks. FML

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By JLoRd - 1/2/2009 14:40 - United States

Today, I asked the girl I like if she wanted to go to the movies, she said yes and I said I'd let her pick the movie. She picked the movie, "Just Friends". FML

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By nosleep - 29/12/2012 07:33 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my boyfriend read online that oversleeping has been linked to strokes later in life. He's now taken it upon himself to protect me by making sure that I have as minimal sleep as possible. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/7/2014 20:00 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, I went on Facebook. The third post down was a selfie of my mom looking sad, with the caption, "God I need a good dicking." FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2010 17:47 - United States

Today, I realized the closest thing I have to guys hitting on me are the ones who ask to be my friend on Call of Duty because I have the word "girl" in my name. FML

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By kittenfish8903 - 6/10/2014 19:46 - United States

Today, while cuddling in bed with my drunk boyfriend, he kissed me softly then told me under no circumstances would he ever marry me. Then kissed me again. FML

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By Softball - 8/7/2015 13:58 - United States - Lansdale

Today, I guest-played as a catcher for a new fastpitch softball team. After the first couple of innings, the batter fouled a ball back into my catcher's mask. As a concussion test, the coach asked me what her name was. I decided to fake the concussion rather than admit that I'd forgotten her name. FML

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By KenzoBVB - 2/9/2015 03:55 - Canada

Today, I went to the orthodontist, and found out when I was supposed to get my braces off. His exact words, "You'll get them off around Christmas... but we're not sure what year." FML

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By ohtheirony - 10/12/2015 19:49 - United States - Reno

Today, while trying to explain to my friends what an anxiety attack is like, I had an anxiety attack. FML

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By dregmanhart - 12/1/2017 12:33

Today, I went out for a 20-minute lunch break. When I returned to the office, I noticed that my personal computer was missing. Someone had walked into the suite on the second floor and stole my computer right off its docking station, while a few of my coworkers were still in the office. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2009 00:45 - United States

Today, I went to visit teachers at the high school I graduated from 3 months ago as valedictorian. Turns out, I had an expired parking permit, and I didn't properly get a visitor pass. The school went into a "yellow lockdown" because of me. My car was towed. I got arrested for trespassing. FML

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By worksucks,Iknow. - 30/8/2018 15:00

Today, it's my first anniversary of being a manager! Today also marks a 12-month period of 30% loss in monthly income combined with 30+ hours/month of overtime. FML

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Top comments

By Klima_fml | 29

#6249510 - Wednesday 1 April 2015 11:28

April Fools!!!

By MegasaurusRex89 | 28

#6249514 - Wednesday 1 April 2015 11:35

Silver lining: No need to buy him a birthday present!

Honestly though, your dad's an ass.

COMMENTS

By jen1097 | 25

#6249509 - Wednesday 1 April 2015 11:27

Throw one without him

jen1097 | 25

#6249614 - Wednesday 1 April 2015 13:47

This prank is killing me hahaha

xleanne_aLly | 23

#6249617 - Wednesday 1 April 2015 13:55

Is it just my cell? Or do the last six FML's have really bad spelling errors?

jen1097 | 25

#6249618 - Wednesday 1 April 2015 13:57

This prank is killing me hahaha

xleanne_aLly | 23

#6249619 - Wednesday 1 April 2015 13:59

Okay nevermind. Good one guys! LOL my head is still a little foggy, late night. And I was unaware it's April 1st. Better go prank my fam jam before they wake up.

xleanne_aLly | 23

#6249623 - Wednesday 1 April 2015 14:04

Stillll laughing about this! I'm reading everything in Cartmen's voice though.

By Klima_fml | 29

#6249510 - Wednesday 1 April 2015 11:28

April Fools!!!

guitar93cd | 8

#6249646 - Wednesday 1 April 2015 14:31

Look at all the fmls. It seems they've been changed on purpose ?

BBeffedmylife | 28

#6249669 - Wednesday 1 April 2015 15:15

YAS. I was going through wondering why are these being published? Well played, FML team, well played.

By RAH94 | 17

#6249511 - Wednesday 1 April 2015 11:28

Thats harsh.

By MegasaurusRex89 | 28

#6249514 - Wednesday 1 April 2015 11:35

Silver lining: No need to buy him a birthday present!

Honestly though, your dad's an ass.

By erizonkim | 17

#6249516 - Wednesday 1 April 2015 11:38

Oh wow. That's kinda harsh!

By abbyade | 21

#6249518 - Wednesday 1 April 2015 11:39

If he doesn't want you there, then don't go. He has maturity issues he needs to sort out. Don't be too offended OP, even parents are humans.

By nonsensical | 26

#6249526 - Wednesday 1 April 2015 11:48

y u do dis?

By adamwilcockson | 17

#6249527 - Wednesday 1 April 2015 11:49

What is with all the spelling and grammatical errors in the FML's recently?

Mynamewontfi | 40

#6249535 - Wednesday 1 April 2015 11:57

Did you look at today's date?

seriouslygrowup | 11

#6249555 - Wednesday 1 April 2015 12:37

I was thinking the same thing, then I read an FML of yesterday I remember, and saw the spelling was changed on purpose. Happy April Fools

flyingmind_fml | 17

#6249851 - Wednesday 1 April 2015 17:40

#13 u r killing us haha :p

flyingmind_fml | 17

#6249862 - Wednesday 1 April 2015 17:54

is it a prank too the comment i posted wasn't supposed to be here sorry #13

By yuno_gasai_fml | 34

#6249528 - Wednesday 1 April 2015 11:49

I love how all the latest FML posts are April fools posts

chocolatelover96 | 14

#6249578 - Wednesday 1 April 2015 13:16

Not just the latest, I just read some random ones from the last few years, and they've altered those too :D

By confused90 | 17

#6249529 - Wednesday 1 April 2015 11:50

Why is there so many FML's lately with bad spelling and grammar?

Afroninja4566 | 21

#6249546 - Wednesday 1 April 2015 12:11

The FML staff is doing it on purpose. It's April fools.

yumad_aiden | 13

#6249556 - Wednesday 1 April 2015 12:38

The FML staff re-arranged the FMLs, even the older ones, to poor spelling or caps as an April Fools joke.