Work: Today, I was at work at the library and a patron handed me some...

By apaterra - United States

Today, I was at work at the library and a patron handed me some change. When I asked what it was for, he said he had found it in one of the urinals. FML

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Work

Messed up

The smell detective is on the case

Pompous twat

By sofked - United States

Today, the disgruntled ex-boyfriend of a woman who lives three floors down from me slashed her tires for breaking up with him. He also, for good measure, slashed the tires of the person parked to the left and right of her. I was parked to the right of her. FML

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By Oops - Australia

Today, while out with my boyfriend I accidentally let out a rather large fart. I was in such shock the only sentence I could make was "I farted." Clearly he was in shock too because the only words he could utter were "I know." FML

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By LifeSucks - United States

Today, as I was driving to work, I got a flat tire. While attempting to replace said tire, I got mugged. The guy took all my money, my iPod, cellphone, and CDs. When I finally called my boss to explain my situation, he fired me. Why? Because I was late and had an "overactive imagination." FML

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By steppppphhhhhh - United States - Pacifica

Today, I got called an "evil Nazi bitch" because I let a customer know that this is the last day our store will have free plastic bags. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, my friend and I went to a tacky-themed party. She was wearing orange faux snake stilettos. I commented, "Those are perfect for tonight, where'd you manage to find such hideous shoes?" It turns out she wears those shoes all the time, the color just matched her outfit. FML

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By damngotkik

Today, my friend thought it would be funny to use an electric sander on my arm during our construction class. FML

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By Barista - United States

Today, at work, a woman came up to the counter and asked if we made sweet and sour chicken. Before I could answer, she told me a really long recipe and said "I expect to see this on the menu next time I come in, or I will complain to the manager about your lousy work ethic". I work at Starbucks. FML

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By uhhggggg - France

Today, I was trying to be dirty with my fiancé. He got really into the roleplaying and wouldn't stop pretending to be a cop for hours. Mood officially killed. FML

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By really? - United States - Highland

Today, I was stuck home with a cold when my boyfriend's best friend sent me a text saying, "You doing alright?" I replied, thinking he was talking about my health. He replied, "I'm surprised you're taking the breakup so well." What breakup? Mine. He was ten minutes too soon. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as I was driving in reverse, I hit my boyfriend's mom's car. I met her for the first time while giving her my information. FML

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By Shame - Canada - Toronto

Today, my girlfriend had a bitch fit at me because I laughed at her idea of getting the Cullen family tree tattooed on her back. FML

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By anonymous - United States - New Baltimore

Today, I found out I have sodium fluoride poisoning. Apparently, my water has a high level of sodium fluorine. I've been drinking much more water lately trying to be healthier. FML

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By Mr. Shawzy - Canada

Today, after taking a shower, I decided to weigh myself. Curious, I peered down. I couldn't see the scale. I am fat. FML

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By ohyey - Norway

Dead bed

Today, I discovered that my wife isn't cheating on me after all, as I'd feared. We just don't have sex anymore. FML

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By Fred - France

Today, I couldn't take home the free weights I'd planned on buying to start bodybuilding 'cos I couldn't lift the box, which was too heavy for me. FML

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By Sickofbeingsick - United States

Today, after a week of staying in at night and fighting off a persistent cold, I was finally feeling well again, so I decided to go to my boyfriend's work BBQ. I got food poisoning. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was lost in a new town, so I asked a woman for directions. For some reason, she seemed to avoid me. About halfway down the block, she quickly turned around, and the next thing I remember is my eyes stinging like hell. Apparently she thought I was a mugger and maced me. FML

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By bob - United States - Fairborn

Today, I woke up to a nude picture of my girlfriend. Once I looked at it my morning wood went away. FML

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By Anonymous - Romania - Bucharest

Today, my fiancée's OCD hit a new low when she screamed at me for flicking the light-switch off "the wrong way". This led to her flicking it on and off about a dozen times, followed by a twenty-minute lecture on how to do it "properly". We're getting married next month. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Red Oak

Today, as I was opening the door for my boyfriend, I pressed my boobs against the glass to make him laugh. I didn't see his dad standing just behind him at first, but he certainly saw me. FML

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By ohhelllllno - Canada

Today, the $300 ring my boyfriend gave me for my birthday slipped off my finger... into the toilet. I had to sift through my own poo to get it back. FML

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By CH - United States

Today, I pretended to smoke a bread stick that looked like a cigar. It made me feel cool. FML

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By Nalya - France

Today, my fiancé told me, that after 7 years together, he is no longer in love with me. Shocked and appalled, I ask him if he has anything else to add. "Happy Birthday". FML

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By McWhopper - United States - Brookline

Today, I found out that maggots can live inside of a saxophone. FML

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By Anonymous

Duchamp would be proud

Today, my five year-old niece thought that it would be acceptable to carve her artwork all over our toilet seat. FML

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By Anais Strongrump III Jr. - United States - Garland

Today, my parents decided to get with the times. So far, they've made me get Snapchat and Instagram accounts, and made me add them on Facebook. They keep acting like annoying teenagers, and get mad at me when I don't play along. For the love of god, somebody save me. FML

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By even axe would smell better - United Kingdom - Aylesbury

Today, a kid in class kept chatting to his friend, and was made to swap seats. Every time the guy he swapped with moved, the stench from his armpits wafted over. It smelled like nacho cheese crossed with ball sweat. It got so bad that I eventually had to go dry heave in the toilets. FML

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By pummy - United States

Today, I got an iPhone, I was excited and because I have a new number I wanted to mess with my girl a little. I started sending her provocative messages, and after 4 or 5 of them, I discovered I had entered her number wrong and was talking dirty to a man named Noah. FML

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By uglywoman - Australia

Today, my six year old told me I have a big nose. When I told her that she hurt my feelings, she laughed and said "Don't be silly mummy, ugly people don't have feelings." FML

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By FranchezDeVista - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was talking to my mom about my issues with my girlfriend. While she was sympathizing, she slowly picked up my wallet, took $100 and left. FML

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By jzone32 - Canada

Today, I had my first job interview in years. While I was waiting for the manager to come out I realized I had forgotten the resume that I had printed out the night before, since he specifically asked me to bring one. FML

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By Failed Parent - United States

Today, as I was about to leave for work, my 16-year-old son stumbled home in nothing but his underwear and pink cowboy boots. He threw his hands in the air, yelled, "BOTTLE SIP BOTTLE GUZZLE," promptly threw up and passed out in it. FML

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By why the fuck would you do that - United States - Phoenix

Today, my son broke his hand when he and his best friend had the genius idea of punching each other in the fists as hard as they could. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Oceanside

Today, as usual, I'm stuck working in a brutally hostile work environment under my mother-in-law, who's never forgiven me for marrying her daughter. I only got the job because of family politics. Four months on, I still can't even land so much as a single interview elsewhere. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Bergeyk

Cheap-ass lying bro-bro!

Today, I found out my boyfriend is booking my dream vacation to Bali with his brothers, 6 months after he told me we couldn't go on vacation this year because he doesn’t have the money. They planned this within a week. I had been planning it with him for months. FML

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By Ahsan - Pakistan - Multan

Today, I was late for a meeting. The meeting hall door was made of glass, and it said pull, but in my rush, I pushed the door so hard that it shattered into small pieces. FML

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By Buyingagun

Take care

Today, I looked out the window just in time to see a coyote carrying off my cat that I had just let outside five minutes before. FML

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By engineerdude91 - United States

Today, I realized the benefits at Burger King are better than at my company. I'm an engineer, have three degrees, speak three languages fluently, and work at a multi-billion dollar company. The guy flipping burgers has better health care and more corporate 401k contributions than I do. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told my son and daughter that their father and I were getting a divorce. They each responded with "YAY! I want to live with daddy! He buys better presents." Their father has literally never bought anything for them, the exact reason I'm divorcing him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the guy I like asked me out for the first time. It's a good thing he did it over Facebook, because I started shaking and almost threw up. I don't know how I'm going to function on our date next week. FML

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Top comments

By Destroyer_2_2 | 15

#6453747 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:28

I have to wonder what kind of idiot reaches into a public urinal to extract some spare change but that's just me.

By DocBastard | 38

#6453758 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:30

Note to self: library urinals are NOT wishing wells.

COMMENTS

By JaffaMC | 13

#6453746 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:28

He's taking the piss.

helptheorphans | 17

#6453780 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:44

perfect joke for one of those youtube prank videos

By Destroyer_2_2 | 15

#6453747 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:28

I have to wonder what kind of idiot reaches into a public urinal to extract some spare change but that's just me.

friday9733 | 11

#6453825 - Thursday 5 November 2015 2:37

And then gives it to someone else.

By kyrisonfusion | 22

#6453748 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:28

At least it didn't have to stay in there any longer.... Who knows what might've happened. Sorry OP

By gosh_mate | 30

#6453749 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:28

Ewwwww why would he think you wanted it? I hope you sanitised your hands straight away!

By brenton490 | 19

#6453750 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:28

Sounds like urine trouble. I hope you washed your hands with bleach!

whysobeachy | 37

#6454440 - Thursday 5 November 2015 19:29

Bear Grylls wouldn't like you too much.

By shaaza | 16

#6453755 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:30

So the patron took the change out of a urinal and gave to you of all people? FYL op...hope washed your hand

By juicy_extasy | 25

#6453757 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:30

Donate it and wash your hands

By DocBastard | 38

#6453758 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:30

Note to self: library urinals are NOT wishing wells.

IdntNOthePASS | 10

#6453837 - Thursday 5 November 2015 2:55

Are toilets wishing wells?

Lalala579121 | 27

#6453932 - Thursday 5 November 2015 5:43

Is mayonnaise an instrument?

enginsteve | 17

#6454032 - Thursday 5 November 2015 8:57

No, you are thinking of oregano.

By LegolasPrincess | 10

#6453761 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:30

That's just plain nasty...

By epicx22 | 22

#6453765 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:31

I hope he atleast washed it off.. But, why would he just randomly give you money from a urinal?

Fairyjoshy | 13

#6453797 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:53

Lost and found maybe?