Today, I was at work at the library and a patron handed me some...

By apaterra - 4/11/2015 17:30 - United States

Today, I was at work at the library and a patron handed me some change. When I asked what it was for, he said he had found it in one of the urinals. FML

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Work

KoBabe

Gas giant

My body, my choice

By Sorry Not Sorry - 1/11/2016 14:01

Today, my boss bitched me out for a customer complaint. The complaint was me not laughing at the customer's joke of me asking for his ID and him saying no. I'm sorry, I've been getting this joke a least twice a day since I started working here two years ago. FML

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By emkatch - 21/7/2009 19:47 - Canada

Today, I came home about two hours early from a friend's party. After I walked in and upstairs, I quickly and quietly left and went back to the party. I guess my parents decided to have a little party as well. It's called a threesome with my neighbor. They still don't know that I know. FML

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By ZAS - 15/6/2009 07:45 - United States

Today, my mom and I rented a hotel room. She decided to go to bed, while I watched MythBusters. Apparently, my mom got hot while she slept. She threw the covers off of herself and pulled up her night-gown. I turned to find out that my mother does not wear underwear when she sleeps. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2011 13:17 - United Kingdom

Today, it's my wedding day, and I have uncontrollable diarrhea. FML

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By treegirl - 26/7/2009 05:57 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were cuddling on his couch when suddenly I tried to get up. Before I could stand, he grabs onto me and says, "I'm a koala and you're my eucalyptus tree!" He then continued to latch onto me for a good five minutes pretending to eat my hair. FML

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By S to the HIT - 8/4/2015 16:08 - United States

Today, at a mind-numbingly boring support session, everyone was talking about their hardships. One guy was talking about losing his leg in a car accident. I was half-asleep and asked without thinking, "Did you ever find it?" I almost shat my pants at the roomful of death glares that followed. FML

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By Frenchgirl - 16/9/2011 01:42 - United States

Today, it was my first day at school in the United States. Being from France, my French accent is really strong. After being made fun of all day, I met someone from Montreal. I was so excited and said, "Parlez-vous Français?" And his response? "HUH?!" FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2019 00:01

Spooky season has begun

Today, I was at work at a kiosk in the mall when I smelled something foul. I thought it was the weird dude who'd just walked by so I just carried on with my work. Minutes later, I looked to my right and there, lying on the floor a few feet from me, was a huge turd wrapped in toilet paper. FML

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By ghostninja4593 - 2/12/2016 03:48 - United States - Council Bluffs

Today, my reflexes kicked in when I saw a hot glue gun falling. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/3/2016 05:13 - United States - Boise

Today, my cat brought home a bloody, barely-living mouse. The thing managed to escape and dragged itself into a crack in the wall, where it must have died. The only way to get it out before it starts to stink up the place is by demolishing the wall. FML

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By orely44 - 8/3/2013 14:13 - France - Rez

Today, after about fifteen minutes of my cat bullying me into letting him get onto my lap, I finally caved. He clambered on, turned around, farted in my direction and got off as fast as he got on. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2018 06:00

Is this the worst Netflix and chill ever?

Today, a guy I'd been seeing briefly came over for cocktails and a movie. The night ended with him vomiting in my bathroom and on my couch, using my toothbrush, then proceeding to tell me how big his ex-boyfriend's dick was. FML

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By whoops.. - 16/1/2015 03:15 - United States - Garner

Today, I learned that when a man in the row in front of you at a movie theater tells you to shut up, you shouldn't tell him to fuck off. He might be 6'4 with a short temper. FML

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By thismakesmesad - 7/9/2011 16:16 - United States

Today, I received an email from my boyfriend. It contained a link to a site that was titled "How to Give Head". It also said "Have a nice day!" FML

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By Anonymous - 20/8/2013 22:46 - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, I got sexual tingles while watching a Subway worker assemble my sandwich. FML

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By the lannisters send their retards - 17/6/2014 20:30 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my coworker was telling me about his mom, when he asked about mine. I told him that I've never met my mom, because she died during my childbirth. It's a very painful subject for me, but all the same, my coworkers have decided they'll now only address me as "Tyrion". FML

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By anon - 6/3/2017 00:00

Smells like Toddler Spirit

Today, a toddler threw up on my backpack mid-flight. FML

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By anonymous - 25/10/2011 01:33 - United States

Today, I was so bored at my job as a receptionist that I actually got excited when the phone rang. FML

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By Wouldntitbeniceif - 1/5/2009 03:13 - United States

Today, I went for a hike with the local search and rescue volunteer group that I recently joined. I got lost and spent 5 hours wandering aimlessly. FML

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By Thanks Santa - 17/12/2016 05:24

Today, 3 weeks after leaving my job, buying a larger car and moving to Ohio so my boyfriend could be near his family, he secretly drove my car and all my belongings back across several states just to break up with me. This was completely out of the blue while I was home visiting family for Christmas. FML

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By embarrassed - 18/8/2014 16:39 - United States - Great Neck

Today, I went to a baseball game with my girlfriend's dad. I got a boner when they sang the anthem, because that's what I sing in my head when having sex with his daughter so I last longer. FML

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By anonymous - 15/1/2012 05:58 - United States

Today, my crush grabbed my butt while I was walking up the stairs. In surprise I farted. He won't even look me in the eyes now. FML

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By Wow. - 18/12/2013 18:23 - United States

Today, my girlfriend refused to take a picture with me to prove to my friends that I do indeed have a girlfriend. I got so desperate that I photoshopped myself into one of her Facebook photos instead. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/6/2014 21:38 - Australia - Granville

Today, I took a look at my 9-year-old daughter's diary, thinking it would be full of cute stuff. Instead, it was full of hateful rants against me and my husband, as well the boys at her school, who she called gay because none of them ever hit on her. It seems I've failed as a parent. FML

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By dramaqueen - 14/4/2009 04:44 - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend why he dates me. He immediately responded, "Well, TV shows are boring and predictable, so you're a good source of fresh and interesting drama." FML

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By spadesmollusques - 6/6/2016 05:13 - France - Strasbourg

Today, my 10-year-old son introduced me to Tom, his new best friend, and insisted we have him over to dinner. Tom is a slug. FML

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By spitty - 14/4/2015 21:50 - United States - Willoughby

Today, I got a massage. Just as I was starting to relax, the massage therapist drooled on my face. FML

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By littlespoon - 4/2/2010 08:40 - United States

Today, my girlfriend decided it would be a funny idea to spray me with a hose while I was holding a kitten, showing her how cute we were. Needless to say, now I'm covered head to toe in cat scratches. FML

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By socksoffire - 17/3/2010 15:22 - United States

Today, I did my laundry. When I took it out, everything was clean, including the mouse that had been hiding in it. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/10/2015 07:19 - United States - Federal Way

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She got incredibly excited and started flapping her hands around. Then she suddenly went deadpan and said "But seriously... no." FML

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By sophistication - 21/8/2009 15:36 - United States

Today, I gathered the courage to ask my crush on a date. As I called her, she quickly answered and said "Can't talk right now, I'm in a movie theater." and then hung up. I'd called her home phone. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2011 01:07 - United States

Today, I saw a woman run down my street screaming, "Fuck you cops! I can drive under the influence if I want to!" It took me a second to realize it was my mother. FML

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By MeAgainDr... - 13/11/2015 05:24 - Australia - South Perth

Today, I finally got to a point where I could ask my mother about how enthusiastically she used to beat me. First sentence out of her mouth was, "It didn't change your behaviour, but it did make me feel better." FML

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By ironies a b*tch - 13/4/2013 05:04 - United States - Chatham

Today, I dressed up as Batman for a comic book convention. I was hit by a car on the way there by a man dressed up as the Joker for the same convention. FML

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By dirtbikeguy - 23/7/2015 13:05 - United States - Chicago

Today, I had a dream about a giant spider crawling around in my mouth. I woke up to find that dreams sometimes do come true. FML

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By MLZ - 30/7/2010 20:00 - United States

Today, while at the restaurant I work at, a bunch of kids came in. They all gave incredibly complex orders, laughed at everything I did, and made a huge mess by "spilling" hot sauce and water all over the floor. After they left, I was tipped eleven cents. FML

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By katelouise2102 - 29/11/2010 12:39 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to make up a boyfriend to stop my lesbian roommate coming onto me. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2010 16:12 - United States

Today, I called a suicide prevention hotline. No one picked up. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2013 15:04 - Canada - Whitecourt

Today, a man walked into the bank I work at and asked what he would need in order to open an account. I had to look him in the eyes with a straight face, say, "Two pieces of identification," and ask him to put some pants on. FML

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By pdub523 - 27/1/2013 05:57 - United States - Longview

Today, I met my girlfriend's dad for the first time. His shirt said "D.A.D.D, Dads Against Daughters Dating, shoot the first one and word will spread". FML

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Top comments

By Destroyer_2_2 | 15

#6453747 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:28

I have to wonder what kind of idiot reaches into a public urinal to extract some spare change but that's just me.

By DocBastard | 38

#6453758 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:30

Note to self: library urinals are NOT wishing wells.

COMMENTS

By JaffaMC | 13

#6453746 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:28

He's taking the piss.

helptheorphans | 17

#6453780 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:44

perfect joke for one of those youtube prank videos

By Destroyer_2_2 | 15

#6453747 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:28

I have to wonder what kind of idiot reaches into a public urinal to extract some spare change but that's just me.

friday9733 | 11

#6453825 - Thursday 5 November 2015 2:37

And then gives it to someone else.

By kyrisonfusion | 22

#6453748 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:28

At least it didn't have to stay in there any longer.... Who knows what might've happened. Sorry OP

By gosh_mate | 30

#6453749 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:28

Ewwwww why would he think you wanted it? I hope you sanitised your hands straight away!

By brenton490 | 19

#6453750 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:28

Sounds like urine trouble. I hope you washed your hands with bleach!

whysobeachy | 37

#6454440 - Thursday 5 November 2015 19:29

Bear Grylls wouldn't like you too much.

By shaaza | 16

#6453755 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:30

So the patron took the change out of a urinal and gave to you of all people? FYL op...hope washed your hand

By juicy_extasy | 25

#6453757 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:30

Donate it and wash your hands

By DocBastard | 38

#6453758 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:30

Note to self: library urinals are NOT wishing wells.

IdntNOthePASS | 10

#6453837 - Thursday 5 November 2015 2:55

Are toilets wishing wells?

Lalala579121 | 27

#6453932 - Thursday 5 November 2015 5:43

Is mayonnaise an instrument?

enginsteve | 17

#6454032 - Thursday 5 November 2015 8:57

No, you are thinking of oregano.

By LegolasPrincess | 10

#6453761 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:30

That's just plain nasty...

By epicx22 | 22

#6453765 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:31

I hope he atleast washed it off.. But, why would he just randomly give you money from a urinal?

Fairyjoshy | 13

#6453797 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:53

Lost and found maybe?