Today, I was at work at the library and a patron handed me some...

By apaterra - 4/11/2015 17:30 - United States

Today, I was at work at the library and a patron handed me some change. When I asked what it was for, he said he had found it in one of the urinals. FML

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Work

Dad jokes, part 43884

Vultures

You snooze, you lose

By firestar772 - 12/6/2013 06:21 - United States - Santa Barbara

Today, I went to pick up my 6-year-old son from his friend's house. They were having a great time, and he didn't want to leave. So, while I wasn't looking, he superglued both his hands to their kitchen table. FML

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By Pandaling - 26/1/2020 05:00 - United States - Minneapolis

Devil parents

Today, my mother-in-law said: "People who don't have kids are children of the devil." I'm infertile, she knows this. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/4/2017 12:00

Today, I learned that when I start University next month I will have to either pay $900 for an all-access semester-long parking pass, pay $200 for for a bus pass that takes an hour to get to campus, or pay $100 to park outside campus and walk 4 miles to and from class each day. FML

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By EFFFF - 8/10/2011 22:10 - United States

Today, the ex who I'm still in love with told me he wishes we could be together, but that first I really need to get over the fact that he already has a wife and kids. FML

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By tyler_powellROTC - 15/12/2016 03:43 - United States - Irving

Today, while practicing for a competition, someone decided to spin a rifle with a bayonet. I'm currently sitting in the ER with stitches in my foot. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2011 00:40 - United States

Today, I cleaned my toilet. I had forgotten it was white. FML

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By 16isntsweet - 20/8/2009 21:21 - United States

Today, I had my sweet sixteen party. All my best friends came to the microphone to make a little speech. When my boyfriend came to do his, he broke up with me. FML

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By Handblocked - 4/9/2018 06:00

Today, I got a new vibrator, raced all the way home, tore my pants off, took it out of the box, and then my grandmother walked in my front door. Apparently she's spending the night so she can make it to a doctor appointment in the morning. FML

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By Mustang - 5/8/2010 01:13 - United States

Today, some jerk super glued leaves and a note onto my car's front windshield. Not only is it directly in front of the driver's seat and makes it nearly impossible to drive, but it won't come off. What makes it worse? I was spending the night at a friend's house and the note was meant for her. FML

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By Flighted - 22/9/2012 04:54 - Canada - Georgetown

Today, I had to suffer through a four hour flight beside my ex. Yesterday, I proposed, on the last day of our vacation. She said no. FML

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By Its My BDay I Can Cry If I Want To - 10/8/2016 16:51 - United States - Ephrata

Today, all of my friends bailed from the birthday party I was throwing myself. This was also after they had encouraged me for months to have one, knowing I'd never had my birthday celebrated before. FML

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By nosrepamai82 - 26/7/2009 04:28 - United States

Today, I found out that my husband made a replica of our family on The Sims 3. I also found out he killed me off a couple weeks ago and made a new wife, KiKi. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/2/2014 22:26 - United States - Hialeah

Today, my team suffered a humiliating loss against our biggest rivals. My family was pretty supportive, though, but only because they'd taken bets against me from the start. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/4/2017 04:00

Today, after not showering with my boyfriend in 3 months, he called me in to the bathroom and asked me to shower with him. After getting excited and ripping my clothes off, I get in and he asks me to wash his hair. FML

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By whipplewhip - 30/6/2013 04:21 - United States

Today, my husband and I were at the mall, and decided to have a snack at the food court. As we ate, an obese woman squeezed past our table, butt facing us. Just when her ass-cheeks slid past our heads, she let out a horrific fart that my father would be proud of. FML

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By caisse à outs - 23/9/2015 01:06 - France - Saint Quentin

Today, my brother told me that he needed to borrow a hammer, a chisel, and a drill just in case. I asked him if he was finally getting round to starting work on his apartment. Not at all, he was just going to crack open the coconut he'd just bought at the supermarket. FML

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By insomniac x2 - 15/8/2013 19:56 - Mexico - Garza Garc

Today, I watched TV in the early morning. I was watching The Ring, and when the scene came on where the girl is crawling out of the TV, my dad grabbed my shoulders from behind me out of nowhere, causing me to shriek like a little bitch. I don't know how long he waited to do that. FML

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By authentic - 18/2/2009 23:20 - United States

Today, my tattoo artist boyfriend of five months gave me my first tattoo in celebration of my 18th birthday. It was supposed to be a heart with my name in script. He spelled my name wrong. FML

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By Stacy Dee - 20/7/2011 20:18 - United States

Today, my family is on the third day of driving cross country. My husband is still pretending he is driving on a NASCAR track, sound effects and all. FML

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By Uncircumcised Penis - 24/7/2012 09:51 - Canada - Richmond

Today, I was in line at the pharmacy when the man in front of me asked if I wanted to see a picture of a turd that looked like an uncircumcised penis. Before I had time to answer, he showed me a picture of a turd that looked like an uncircumcised penis. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2012 23:59 - United Kingdom - Eastbourne

Today, I went to a big job interview. Everything went well at first, with the interviewer being impressed by my CV. I was then interrogated over not having a Facebook account, and practically accused of being a criminal, because people without them "always have something to hide". FML

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By Lo_Bolian - 25/4/2009 03:10 - United States

Today, I was taking the bus home. A dirty homeless man boarded the bus, put his bag on the overhead rack, and sat down. His bag was leaking and dripped onto my shoulder. I asked the man what it was. He said, "Roadkill." I now have dead animal blood on my best business suit. FML

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By mylifesucks - 31/1/2014 23:50 - France - Paris

Today, my girlfriend and I made love. She stared at her One Direction poster the whole time. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2013 19:56 - United States - West Babylon

Today, a few of my friends arranged for us to go skinny-dipping with the guy I really like. It went really well, until a turd surfaced before our eyes. After we scrambled out of the pool in panic, my crush called us all freaks and left. FML

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By Shelby - 14/8/2019 02:00

Today, my boyfriend told me that he hasn't showered in over a week, because he "doesn't like to be wet." FML

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By someoneelsessaliva - 5/6/2010 06:59 - Australia

Today, my two friends and I went to the movies. One of my friends brought my crush. They started making out, leaning over the armrest, until they were practically in my lap. Saliva got on my arm. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2009 07:22 - United States

Today, while I was at the beach I decided to go into the ocean even though the waves looked rough. While I was in the water, I got caught by the riptide and needed to be saved. The reason I was at the beach? I'm a lifeguard. Now all my co-workers won't stop laughing at me. FML

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By anon - 16/2/2014 12:56 - Australia - Kingston

Today, I needed to borrow money from my girlfriend. I went into her bag and pulled out the money all while a lady watched me open-mouthed. Turns out it wasn't my girlfriend's bag. It belonged to the lady watching me. FML

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By Read The Fine Print - 24/11/2012 05:55 - United States - Sylmar

Today, I got into a car accident. The guy wouldn't give me his information, but instead stood there saying, "Like a good neighbor, Statefarm is there." FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2015 02:36 - Australia

Today, after my second date with an otherwise charming guy, he called me a whore for turning him down for sex. Yeah, I'm trying to work out the logic of that too. FML

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By carboncoach - 13/12/2013 17:24 - Egypt

Today, it's my birthday. The only "happy birthday"s I got were from my mom, her Facebook account, and the Facebook account she made for her cat. FML

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By inthesticks - 19/11/2016 06:21 - United States - Orlando

Today, I was cleaning off my couch so my nephew could crash here for a few nights. It's been so long since we've sat on it that it is now inhabited by rats we didn't know were in the house, including newly born ones. FML

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By miapapaya - 15/2/2009 21:44 - United States

Today, I was hooking up with a guy for the first time and he told me I was in luck. When I asked why he replied, "I like little boobs." FML

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By Widowmaker - 28/11/2012 18:09 - United States - Henderson

Today, I'm recovering in the emergency room. How did I get here? Intoxicated at a coed party, I saw a hole in the host's shed and thought it funny to christen it a "glory-hole", only to be bitten by what may well have been a black widow spider. FML

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By cat co-parent - 3/1/2015 00:11 - Australia

Today, my mum sat me down for a serious talk about not being home enough - not because she misses me, but because the family cat needs more stability in her life. FML

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By smiles - 3/12/2014 01:14 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had a performance. I have to go bra-less to wear my gown and I didn't want any peek-a-boos. I asked my boyfriend to bring "large band-aids" without telling him why I needed them. He brought waterproof, top-notch tough ones. They're still stuck to me, and are not coming off anytime soon. FML

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By JustWashedTheseJeans - 25/10/2016 01:05

Today, I pissed my pants in fear for the first time. Was I at a spooky haunted house? Nope, I turned a corner and got startled by a parked car. FML

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By stinky breath - 15/7/2014 21:24 - United States - Whittier

Today, I taught my 23-year-old boyfriend how to correctly brush his teeth. FML

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By doesnttastegood - 1/2/2010 10:23 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that whilst I was asleep last night, my boyfriend was playing on his XBox. I also found out that whenever he unlocked a new level, achievement or just generally beat someone's ass, he would celebrate by pulling out one of his pubes and putting it in my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/11/2009 21:09 - United States

Today, I found a camera someone left at our house. I looked at the pictures, and saw my grandma in a sexy outfit. FML

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Top comments

By Destroyer_2_2 | 15

#6453747 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:28

I have to wonder what kind of idiot reaches into a public urinal to extract some spare change but that's just me.

By DocBastard | 38

#6453758 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:30

Note to self: library urinals are NOT wishing wells.

Comments

By JaffaMC | 13

#6453746 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:28

He's taking the piss.

helptheorphans | 17

#6453780 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:44

perfect joke for one of those youtube prank videos

By Destroyer_2_2 | 15

#6453747 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:28

I have to wonder what kind of idiot reaches into a public urinal to extract some spare change but that's just me.

friday9733 | 11

#6453825 - Thursday 5 November 2015 2:37

And then gives it to someone else.

By kyrisonfusion | 22

#6453748 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:28

At least it didn't have to stay in there any longer.... Who knows what might've happened. Sorry OP

By gosh_mate | 30

#6453749 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:28

Ewwwww why would he think you wanted it? I hope you sanitised your hands straight away!

By brenton490 | 19

#6453750 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:28

Sounds like urine trouble. I hope you washed your hands with bleach!

whysobeachy | 37

#6454440 - Thursday 5 November 2015 19:29

Bear Grylls wouldn't like you too much.

By shaaza | 16

#6453755 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:30

So the patron took the change out of a urinal and gave to you of all people? FYL op...hope washed your hand

By juicy_extasy | 25

#6453757 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:30

Donate it and wash your hands

By DocBastard | 38

#6453758 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:30

Note to self: library urinals are NOT wishing wells.

IdntNOthePASS | 10

#6453837 - Thursday 5 November 2015 2:55

Are toilets wishing wells?

Lalala579121 | 27

#6453932 - Thursday 5 November 2015 5:43

Is mayonnaise an instrument?

enginsteve | 17

#6454032 - Thursday 5 November 2015 8:57

No, you are thinking of oregano.

By LegolasPrincess | 10

#6453761 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:30

That's just plain nasty...

By epicx22 | 22

#6453765 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:31

I hope he atleast washed it off.. But, why would he just randomly give you money from a urinal?

Fairyjoshy | 13

#6453797 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:53

Lost and found maybe?