Miscellaneous: Today, I went out for New Year's. When I got back, I found my...

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I went out for New Year's. When I got back, I found my house had been broken into. I found a note saying, "Happy New Year, sucker." FML

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Miscellaneous

Season finale

Creepy idea, dude

It's not unusual

Today, I got pulled over for violating hands-free law and not having an updated address on my driver's license. Two days ago, I got pulled over for the same reasons. Now, I have four tickets I need to deal with. FML

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By CarrieBerrie - 14/8/2020 17:01

Fire in the hole!

Today, after being woken up with the intense urge to go to the bathroom, and having gone to the bathroom three times in the last hour, I finally realized I took two laxatives instead of two Midol. My ass is on fire. FML

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By me - United States

Today, one of my boyfriend's friends ranted on about how I am such a crappy girlfriend and how all of his friends don't like me. I just spent over $200 on a surprise party that I invited them all to last weekend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I sold a customer some beer. He then asked to see the manager, and told me he was a 19 year old undercover cop. My knee jerk reaction was to panic and curse aloud, before realizing he was balding, toothless, probably 50, certainly not a cop, and laughing at me for being such a gullible moron. FML

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By Christopher - Canada

Today, the elevator got stuck in between floor 4 and 5 at my doctors office. I had been having violent diarrhea. It was the reason I was at the doctor. Elevator was stuck for 35 minutes. During that time, I diarrhea'd in my pants twice. There were seven other people in the elevator. FML

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By blakeintheoffice - United States

Today, my insane boss decided I poop too much. Now, every time I go to the bathroom, he follows me in and tries to get me to hurry up by reading passages from 50 Shades of Grey. FML

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By pinkpurplegurl - China

Today, while taking the subway home, a woman offered me her seat. I smiled and declined. She said she insisted because of my "pregnancy". I was too ashamed to say I'm not pregnant that I just took the seat. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Family Ties

Today, I found out via Facebook that my older sister just had another baby, a whole week ago, whose name is my middle name. No one told me. I didn't even know she was pregnant. FML

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By doneanddone - United States

Today, I was over at a friend's place until very late. He had stolen my keys as a joke at some point, but by the time I noticed, he was too drunk to remember where he'd hidden them. FML

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By honey soy - Australia

Today, my boyfriend was flying his toy helicopter at my head. It got stuck in my hair and I now have a bald patch. FML

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By Disappointed - United States - Lexington

Today, my boyfriend and I celebrated our 5 year anniversary. All I got was him stopping by for a quickie before he went into work. FML

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By breadcrumb - United States - Kansas City

Today, while at work, a customer, who was also on his phone, rudely asked what kinds of bread we had for his sandwich. After I told him we had many different kinds to offer, he cut me off, told me to stop playing stupid, and stormed out after holding up a long line of people. FML

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By Nicole - United States

Today, I went to school without makeup. No one recognized me. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Saint John

Today, after ignoring my concerns and declaring that "safety equipment's for pussies", my husband went rock climbing for the first time. He only sprained his ankle, but is acting like it's broken. He's now playing video games in bed and pissing in a bucket because walking is "too painful". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Simi Valley

Today, one of my paintings was accepted into a local art gallery. It would've been a dream come true, had my "best friend" not submitted it under her own name and taken all the credit. FML

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By jostertoaster12 - United States - Steamboat Springs

Today, while skiing down a steep mountain, a man ran over my skis, causing me to fall and roll down the slope. When I regained my balance, I saw the man had followed me just to say "How graceful" and continue on. FML

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By crawfo - Australia

Today, whilst on a date I recieved my sixth missed call from my mother. I excused myself and went outside and called her, she and my father wanted to know why I was having dinner and holding hands with another man. It turns out they were also on a date. At the same place. FML

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By Zippermania9 - United States

Today, I found out that if you fall asleep in church, people will think you're having a spiritual moment, and you'll wake up to ten people praying for you. FML

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By Raw95 - United States

Today, I was eating at Steak N' Shake. I noticed that the cute waitress was checking me out. When I was done with my meal she wrote her number on the ticket. So, as I was walking out the door, I turned around to wave at her, and walked into a metal bar next to the door. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2020 11:01

Zoomers

Today, as I was at work as a gynecologist, a twelve-year-old girl asked me, on a scale of 1-10, how tight her "fun stuff" was. This is the new generation. FML

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By tbree - United States - San Francisco

Today, I asked my dad to take me to the store so I could get some feminine hygiene products. When we got there, he went running down the aisles yelling, "Help! My daughter's bleeding to death! Where're the tampons?!" FML

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By in_side_out - Australia

Today, I received an email saying that the present I ordered for my girlfriend's birthday will be a week late, which makes it a week late for her birthday. I sat down and said we needed to talk, she burst into tears and apologised for 'sleeping with him,' I just wanted to tell her it would be late. FML

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By pchis4ever - United States

Today, I was eating at KFC when my roommate unexpectedly showed up. He asked me who I was there with, and I told him I was on a sexy date with his mom. Just then a woman 5 feet away turned around and gave me a disgusted look. Guess whose mom was in town visiting for the weekend? FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Stafford

Today, my best friend finally broke up with her knob of a boyfriend. This would be great except now my boyfriend of two years has broken up with me because she's finally single. She introduced us. FML

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By innuendom - United Kingdom

Today, I found out I have a job interview coming up. For the job I'm currently doing and have been for the last nine months. My manager told me not to expect too much. FML

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By bgoodwin07 - United States

Today, I found out my dad has been sending dirty text messages to my mom. Which wouldn't be a problem except they're divorced and my dad is remarried. FML

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By GrandmaShakers - United States

Today, my grandmother bought a Shakeweight, an exercise tool which, basically, simulates a hand-job to tone arm fat. I get to watch my Grandmother do this motion for 6 minutes every day. FML

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By fmlifer - United States

Today, I went to kiss my girlfriend on the cheek at school. I missed, and walked away awkwardly. Later on, a teacher stopped me and told me how bad I failed. FML

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By Girl - United States

Today, my boyfriend of more than two years told me in front of all of our friends that he'd trade me for some Playstation 3 games. I laughed it off because I thought he was kidding. He made it clear that he was serious. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, was the third day of my camping trip with my "friends". I woke up in my boxers with my hand glued to my forehead. FML

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By jhftrainer23 - United States

Today, the woman I'm training at work asked, while staring intently at the keyboard, "now, which one of these buttons is the space-bar again?" She is 80 years old, types about 1 word per minute, and I have just one week to get her completely trained. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Rio Rancho

Today, I went to a trampoline park and jumped into an adult-area foam pit that apparently used to be for children. I guess it never occurred to them to change the depth of it, as I now have a fractured ankle. FML

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By notanazigrandchildafterall - Germany - Leipzig

Today, going through my late grandmother's papers, I found out that my grandfather had never been in the Nazi party. The reason he was not allowed to work as a teacher was that he had never passed his university exams. He found an invented Nazi past less shameful than academic failure. FML

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By help me! - United Kingdom

Today, the girl my ex-boyfriend cheated on me with had a job interview at my place of work. If she gets the job, she'll be my manager. FML

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By UnwantedDaughter

Today, it's my birthday. My father didn't get me a birthday present or do anything for me, and acted as though he only came to visit because it was expected. Yet when it was his birthday a couple months ago, he expected me to take him out and pay for it FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Baltimore

Today, I visited my girlfriend's apartment for the first time. I guess she forgot to do some spring cleaning before I showed up, because I saw my laptop on her couch. The same laptop that was stolen from my house along with several other valuables last week. FML

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By UhOhhhh - United States

Today, I woke up, took a shower, made some pasta, drank 3 glasses of water and brushed my teeth. I then left my apartment to see signs posted all over warning us not to use the water without boiling it because the water company just found E-coli in the water. FML

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By Rachel - 27/10/2020 08:01 - United States

Fun fun fun

Today, I spent my entire day building various zoos in Zoo Tycoon, and then releasing all of the animals to see them chase people. FML

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By Mark - United States - Knoxville

Today, I asked out a coworker I really like. She gave me a weird look and said, "You're not gay?" I said no, to which she said, "Well, I am". As it turns out, I was the only one who thought she was straight, and the only one who thought I was straight. FML

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By mile high clubber - United States - Bensalem

Today, while on the airplane, the cute girl next to me and I instantly hit it off. When I excused myself to the bathroom, I must have given her the wrong impression. She wanted to join the mile high club; I just wanted to take a crap. FML