Animals: Today, my dad finally used the electric shaver I bought him for...

By dumbdad - United States

Today, my dad finally used the electric shaver I bought him for Christmas. My dog now has bald patches. FML

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Animals

Recycling helps

Boom, headshot

Mr Sensitivity

By Anonymous - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, after missing college for a week due to illness, I found out my "friends" were bullshitting me about us having to write an important no-extension Biology essay. Copious amounts of my sweat, snot and tears went into that desperation-fueled nightmare. Thanks, dickheads. FML

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By Craptastic

Today, at physical therapy, I felt that all-too-familiar gurgle in my gut, but I thought it would a light, silent fart. I squatted for an exercise and shit my pants in front of the cute, single, male physical therapist. He definitely noticed. I still had 30 minutes left in the session. FML

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By oldtexas - United States

Today, I bought a freezer mug that looks like it's full of water. I've been playing tricks on my friends by throwing the empty cup at them. After doing this a few dozen times, my 83 year-old mother came to visit. I played the same trick on her. The joke's on me. My Dad filled the cup. FML

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By thanks guys

Today, I’ve been suffering with a fever of 104° as well as an ear and sinus infection. I asked my mom and sister if they could get me meds and fluids from the store. I sent them money through my bank app for the supplies. They took my money and went to lunch instead. I’m still sick as a dog. FML

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By ugh - United States

Today, I woke up to a homeless man relentlessly shitting on my porch. FML

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By frog - United Kingdom

Today, while on holiday in England, a cute boy came up and asked where I'm from. When I said Paris, he gave a look and said, "Oh, strange, I always thought Parisians were the most beautiful women in the world." FML

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By Anon - United States - Twinsburg

Today, I got so used to using this FML app while going to the bathroom that when I opened it, I accidentally peed a little. FML

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By ladytyy - United States

Today, my mom still hasn't gotten over the novelty of our brand new microwave. We've been eating hot pockets for nearly a week now. FML

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By Justinthebox

Today, my 5-year-old son made a drawing of our living room, with the addition of an apparition and the text, "I can see you. Daddy doesn't see you. Who are you?" FML

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By BetterThanFake - United States

Today, I made a fake MySpace so that I could flirt with my boyfriend and see what he would do. He ended up dumping me for the fake MySpace girl. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Altamonte Springs

Today, I finally got my fussy newborn back to sleep after the creaking of my chair woke her. I then crept two rooms over and opened a pack of chips, the crinkle of which woke her again. FML

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By notapervert - United States - Santa Rosa

Small talk fail

Today, I managed to score a date for the first time in over a year, and was very nervous. When I was asked what I do for a living, I laughed nervously, and then blurted out, "Finger women." What I was trying to jokingly say was that I'm a gynecologist. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after shoveling one guy's steps, sidewalk, and driveway for two hours straight, I went to ask for my money. He said, "Work is its own reward!" and shut the door in my face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, just a few minutes after I got to work, my usually laconic boss came into my office and said, "Pack your stuff and get the f*ck out." Apparently, half my department was being downsized. Thinking it was an April Fool's, I burst out laughing and told him how funny the prank was. He wasn't kidding. FML

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By hannahlorraine - United States

Today, while I was in the shower, my very drunken mother came home. She then barged into the shower with me, still completely clothed, and gave me the longest, most awkward hug of a lifetime. After she left me still in shock, she came back and did it again. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I overheard my mom telling my younger sister not to use my razors because she "doesn't know what I may have." FML

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By Master Debater - Australia

Today, my grandmother walked in on me watching porn on my computer. She looked at the woman on the screen and said, "I used to have tits like that, but look what having 7 kids did to them." Now I'm scarred for life. FML

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By mayerstexmex69 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, while in class, I was called down to the office. The principal showed me a video of 2 guys fighting in the school parking lot. I'm accused of being one of those guys. I'm a girl. FML

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By Annette - 27/11/2020 23:01

Smart criminals

Today, I came out to find my truck window broken. They broke into my truck to yank out the stereo. It was unlocked the whole time. FML

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By ksgirl - United States

Today, the guy I have been in love with for years decided to tell me all about his women problems and how he can't find someone. After telling him I loved him he responds, "do you know if anyone else does?" FML

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By Nemo

Today, I got an e-mail from a company saying that I would not be a good fit for them. Strangely, it's quite similar to an e-mail they sent me last month. And the month before. They aren't generated e-mails, each one is different. They just e-mail me every month to remind me that I suck. FML

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By medstudent - United States

Today, it was the first time I ever saw a vagina in person. It was during medical school training on how to do a pelvic exam. FML

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By shameless - United States - Canton

Today, I agreed to go on a date with the creepy guy from my Economics class because I'm so broke that I could really use the free meal. FML

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By Christin Deason

A Tale of Two Nutritionists

Today, a friend criticized my detox method, calling it "unhealthy and unsafe." Recently, she made a post bragging about her dieting method, which is also very unhealthy and unsafe. I told her she was being a hypocrite. She unfriended and blocked me. FML

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By norestforthewicked - United States

Today, I had to use a sick day from the school I teach at. While I was off, another teacher called me mid delirium, because my students were borderline rioting over the work I left for them. I'd asked them to read a book and edit the one-page essay they've had two weeks to work on. FML

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By smh - United States - Sacramento

Today, if you live in California, you might have seen a crazy drunk guy naked in front of a McDonald's, waving at everyone. Yeah, that was probably me. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, my husband spent our entire anniversary sulking because I wasn't up for sex. I gave birth to our first child less than two weeks ago. FML

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By unloved - Australia

Today, it's my birthday, and the only person that called me was my boss. He wants me to cover his shift tonight. FML

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By hannaslifesucks - Norway - Kleppe

Today, a kid got his hand stuck inside my store's giant gumball machine. He started crying, and his negligent train-wreck of a mom bitched me out for being "unobservant." I'd been mopping up the mess she'd made after she spilled an open can of beer all over the floor. FML

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By in_pain - Canada

Today, my doctor called and asked me when I could have my broken hand x-rayed again. I said the ER staff had told me it was a bad sprain over two weeks ago. I'm now in a full cast, and have to have my partially healed bones re-broken. There goes my summer. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/7/2020 02:00

Killing in the name of

Today, I've loved for years that my boyfriend works at an animal shelter, but I learned from his coworker that he’s the guy that puts the animals to sleep, full time, sometimes 30 a day. Now I’m disgusted to sit in the same room as him, because he always says he loves his job. FML

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By Jokkim - United States - Norfolk

Today, I found out I got a 97 on my physics final exam. I was curious about the question I missed, so I went up to my teacher and asked. He was very confused and checked my grade again before telling me, "Oh my bad, it was meant to be a 79." FML

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By killerxdeagles - United States - Wichita

Today, I was t-boned and my truck was rendered useless. I was given a ticket even though the man who hit me ran a red light. Why? Because there was dirt on my license plate. FML

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By overreacting - United States - Saint Charles

Today, I picked up a rock outside and put it in my pocket because it looked cool. A teacher holding the door open stopped me and sent me to the principal. I was confused and asked the teacher why the strict action. She replied that someone has been putting rocks in the toilet. I got a detention. FML

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By thoughthewasjoking - United States - Bessemer

Today, while walking to work, I saw a homeless guy with a funny "NEED MONEY 4 BOOZE" sign, so I gave him a few spare dollars for his humor. On my way back home, he was out cold on the sidewalk with several empty bottles beside him. Whoops. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friend asked why I always smell like a dead animal carcass. I have no idea. FML

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By oops - United States

Today, I made fun of a girl singing passionately along to a song on her radio while in traffic next to me. She decided that her chocolate milkshake would make a good addition to my brand new seat covers. FML

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By Ages ago - Poland - Warsaw

Today, two guys robbed me. As I wrestled them on the ground, my best friend just stood next to all this, telling me to give them the money already, or we'd be late for school. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my ex said "I love you!" for the first time at a party in front of my boyfriend. Smugly satisfied, I said "Well, you're too late for that." My ex looked at me with irritation and said "I'm talking to him!" and gestured to my boyfriend. They'd been "best friends" since middle school. FML

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By Liv - United Kingdom - Great Bookham

Today, my mother was talking about a holiday she went on this time last year. She turned to me to say, "You would've loved it, it's a shame you couldn't come". I was there. It was just the two of us on holiday together. FML

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Top comments

By Brave_Sir_Robin | 4

#740820 - Monday 28 December 2009 16:33

HE'S DOING IT WRONG!

By CallMeHush | 0

#741120 - Monday 28 December 2009 20:09

No more animal testing, you want PETA to show up and set your dog free?

COMMENTS

By kerrygirl | 13

#740794 - Monday 28 December 2009 16:24

thats funny!

turtles1321 | 0

#1258784 - Tuesday 17 August 2010 20:31

no hes doin it right

caligirl1990 | 0

#2233835 - Thursday 24 March 2011 6:34

that's not funny poor bald puppy

By christttinaaaxo | 0

#740803 - Monday 28 December 2009 16:26

whoa

By Brave_Sir_Robin | 4

#740820 - Monday 28 December 2009 16:33

HE'S DOING IT WRONG!

By randomaccountnam | 0

#740826 - Monday 28 December 2009 16:38

YDI for thinking that the word "finally" is appropriate after 3 days.

irishfever | 0

#741589 - Tuesday 29 December 2009 0:11

ha that was exactly what I was thinking

monzach | 5

#2715203 - Sunday 19 June 2011 11:15

that's when the FML was posted, not when it was made. it was just coincidental timing

By padlarf | 14

#740833 - Monday 28 December 2009 16:43

Finally? It's been 3 days

By youthink_fml | 0

#740842 - Monday 28 December 2009 16:50

How is this a FML? F your dog's life.

daengh | 15

#740931 - Monday 28 December 2009 18:10

You got that right.

By Shmeaty | 0

#740860 - Monday 28 December 2009 17:02

I don't see how this is a FML.

By jpgray1982 | 0

#740862 - Monday 28 December 2009 17:03

is your dad 5 year old?

By Dont_Explain | 3

#740945 - Monday 28 December 2009 18:18

Your mother has bald patches? Jesus, that's terrible. :(

GimmeFive | 10

#4290620 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 21:06

Too far

By sharon_ellj | 0

#740954 - Monday 28 December 2009 18:21

Omg dude, i woke up this morning and my dog was completely shaved! She has a bald spot too! Hahaha i agree with #8 though...