Today, my dad finally used the electric shaver I bought him for...

By dumbdad - 28/12/2010 07:30 - United States

Today, my dad finally used the electric shaver I bought him for Christmas. My dog now has bald patches. FML

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Animals

Messed up

Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

Risky business

By Amanda - 11/8/2009 05:52 - United States

Today, I went to Safeway. Go in, get stuff, come out, and I have almost no room to get into my car because an SUV was parked in a compact spot next to me all crooked. Irritated, I got a pen and paper and wrote 'Nice parking you F*ing idiot' and stuck it on the windshield. Then I notice someone was in the SUV. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2013 18:24 - United States - Pompton Plains

Today, I got home from work and found my girlfriend waiting for me in some skimpy lingerie. She ended up pushing me onto the bed, and as I lay there, expecting to be pleasured, she pulled out a pair of adult-sized footsie pajamas and dressed me in them. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2010 01:34 - United States

Today, while I was going down on my girlfriend, she fell asleep. She said she was too tired to fake it. FML

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By JD300 - 22/12/2009 12:15 - United Kingdom

Today, I finally got my wish of having snow on my birthday. Excited, I failed to realise this meant that no one could come to my party, including myself as we were all snowed out of town. What did I spend my 18th doing? Tidying our house. FML

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By Japaroni - 15/9/2011 07:42 - United States

Today, I went out on my back patio at night to skinny dip. I live on the intracoastal, and as I was walking towards my pool, the police were doing a random search. From a boat with a spotlight. At least their whistles told me they liked the birthday suit I had on. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2010 14:56 - United States

Today, my 8 year old adopted daughter told me she wants me to take her back so another family can adopt her because I don't give her enough toys. FML

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By Light Sleeper - 14/10/2012 04:24 - United States - Evansville

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend trying to initiate sex with me in my sleep. He confessed to thinking that if he did it lightly enough, I'd think I was just dreaming. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2020 17:01

What a tool

Today, my husband told me he didn't want me to get power tools to build things, because he thinks a miter saw and a sanding orbiter are more dangerous than guns. FML.

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By fmylifegirl - 29/12/2010 20:59 - United States

Today, my girlfriends and I got a caricature painting while on a trip in the city. Unfortunately for me, the part of my appearance that the artist decided to exaggerate was my acne. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/3/2010 21:12 - United States

Today, after taking my girlfriend on a date, she invited me back to her place for "hot coffee and dessert". Excitedly, I said yes. When we got there, we actually had coffee and dessert. When I told her this wasn't what I'd had in mind, she kicked me out for being a pervert. FML

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By TheRoad42 - 20/8/2013 12:54 - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, when I got back to my dorm, I found a trail of ants trying to shove a dead roach into a power outlet. The front desk insists that there is no pest problem. FML

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By Not Worth a Lunch - 2/2/2015 14:25 - United States - Durham

Today, my boss told me they were letting me go because they "could no longer afford to pay me." Never mind the catered lunch they had the day before, which cost more than a week's worth of my salary. FML

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By I'm a moron - 27/5/2019 14:03

Today, I woke up in an empty room. Thinking I'd been kidnapped, I kicked the door in. The previous night was a blur, and thought I'd been drugged. I was actually in the room my friends had put me in last night, because I went on a drunken rampage. It cost me $100 for a new door. FML

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By hatinthelife - 18/2/2012 06:34 - United States

Over and out

Today, I had to explain to my girlfriend of six months that giving another guy a blow job IS cheating. FML

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By Kat - 8/11/2008 07:51 - France

Today, everyone thought that I was the one who farted in the lift. FML

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By Confused lesbian - 16/7/2018 13:30 - United States - Lynchburg

Today, I found a used condom in my bed. I haven't had sex in months and now I'm terrified. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2009 19:39 - United States

Today, I decided to shave my legs completely to be more confident in my dress. I spent over an hour making sure my legs were perfectly shaved. It wasn't until I had been out awhile that I realized I forgot to shave my armpits. FML

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By Username - 2/10/2019 14:00

Life is a roller coaster

Today, it's my birthday and my mom took me and some friends to an amusement park. Looking for a tampon, I found a phone in my mom's purse that I didn't recognize. Turns out my mom is cheating on my dad. Happy birthday to me, I guess. FML

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By ilovedirt - 10/7/2011 03:12 - United States

Today, I was tanning by the pool. My friend put his arms under my back and knees and picked me up. He threw me across the kiddy pool to my boyfriend, shouting "Catch!" My boyfriend didn't catch me. Instead of a tan, I have a huge bruise. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2011 00:56 - United States

Today, I was really psyched to go see Kung Fu Panda 2 at the movies. Excited, I tried to do a flying kick off the cafeteria wall at work. Instead of kicking off, my leg crashed through the plasterboard and got stuck. My co-workers had to pull me free. FML

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By exfiancee - 5/8/2012 13:20 - United States - Summerville

Today, my fiancé told me that he was having second thoughts on our engagement. Instead of just calling it off, he took me to a fancy restaurant and took a public poll on whether we should get married. The majority said no. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/2/2016 20:36 - United States - Denver

Today, I got a new skin cream for my acne. I tested it on a small patch of skin just to make sure I wasn't allergic. I was, and the reaction didn't stay on that small patch of skin. My left arm is now almost entirely covered in a horrible rash. FML

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By baby, baby no - 9/11/2012 18:39 - United States - Ladys Island

Today, I stepped outside the house with my wife. She looked up at the sky and asked me in all seriousness if stars are man-made. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2011 07:09 - United States

Today, trying to be cute, my boyfriend threw a snowball at me. This would have been fine had it not been hard enough to break my glasses. As a college student, I have to choose between eating for the next two weeks or replacing them. FML

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By Holly - 5/2/2010 07:33 - United States

Today, I lied to the treadmill about my weight. FML

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By bluewinter - 23/5/2009 10:53 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to my best friend's birthday party. After about 15 minutes, I noticed a girl, possibly one of his sister's friends, wearing the same shirt as me. I am a 23 year old bloke. She didn't look a day over 14. FML

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By baconandkittens - 26/2/2012 03:13 - United States

Today, I was washing dishes when I picked up a plate and saw a huge spider. Trying to be nice, I took the plate outside and tried to gently push the spider off. The wind blew it into my eye. FML

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By Charon - 9/10/2009 22:11 - United States

Today, I asked a girl I like to homecoming. I brought her to my house beforehand for dinner with my family. My brother asked her whether we were just friends or dating, she shouts "Just friends!" and then starts flirting with him with me in the room. FML

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By blindedbythelight - 1/9/2017 22:28 - United States - Orlando

Fashionably Late

Today, the pair of solar eclipse glasses I ordered weeks ago arrived. I'm sure they'll come in handy for 2024. FML

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By - 24/11/2019 18:00 - Canada

Submission

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. I thought I'd be spontaneous and spice things up, and gave her a spank across the butt. She started crying. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2020 14:08

Ungrateful

Today, my three-year-old told me he hates me cause I’m mean because I wouldn’t give him another cupcake. Now he is calling his grandma his new mommy. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/1/2010 05:25 - United States

Today, I had a completely improvised audition for the school play. The director called me and one of the cutest guys auditioning to improvise an intimate scene. Knowing that I'm a complete klutz, I wasn't all that surprised when I tripped over my feet and landed with my face in his crotch. He was. FML

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By yellowjacket_34 - 13/11/2009 17:47 - United States

Today, I was a TA watching the class take a test. I didn't realize that the projector was still on while I was searching the Internet. They watched me google "chronic itchy anus". FML

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By Anonymous - 11/6/2009 14:37 - United States

Today, at my wedding, when my husband heard "you may now kiss the bride" he swung me down romantically and was about to plant one on me when his arm slipped, causing me to fall on the floor hitting my head, and getting a concussion. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/1/2011 00:30 - United States

Today, my boyfriend had to give me an enema. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/2/2016 22:56 - United States - San Bruno

Today, I hung out with some old friends for the first time since losing about 50 pounds, going from clinically obese to a healthy weight. I even bought a cute new dress for the occasion to show off my new body. No one noticed the change. FML

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By sick - 6/1/2011 12:21 - United States

Today, I was at the nursing home I work at, and my boss asked me if I'm serious about my job, telling me that I've been acting strange and not working hard enough. She wants to drug test me. The real reason I'm not 100% is because I have a stomach ulcer from the stress of working there. FML

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By LordCrafte - 15/5/2013 23:43 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, after finding out that I would never be able to move my dominant arm again, I decided to talk to my best friend about it because it was getting to me. She responded with, "It really bugs me that you made this conversation all about you." FML

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By KittenTime - 26/5/2011 21:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I witnessed the miracle of life. More specifically, my cat giving birth on my bed at four in the morning. FML

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By DennisQuaide69 - 27/6/2017 00:00

The date from hell #5676

Today, I went on an a date with a guy I met online. We were waiting in line at Starbucks when he turned to me and said, "Do you want anything?" Just before I was about to answer, he practically shoved in front of me and paid for himself. The cashier looked more horrified than I did. FML

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Top comments

By Brave_Sir_Robin | 4

#740820 - Monday 28 December 2010 16:33

HE'S DOING IT WRONG!

By CallMeHush | 0

#741120 - Monday 28 December 2010 20:09

No more animal testing, you want PETA to show up and set your dog free?

COMMENTS

By kerrygirl | 13

#740794 - Monday 28 December 2010 16:24

thats funny!

turtles1321 | 0

#1258784 - Tuesday 17 August 2010 20:31

no hes doin it right

caligirl1990 | 0

#2233835 - Thursday 24 March 2011 6:34

that's not funny poor bald puppy

By christttinaaaxo | 0

#740803 - Monday 28 December 2010 16:26

whoa

By Brave_Sir_Robin | 4

#740820 - Monday 28 December 2010 16:33

HE'S DOING IT WRONG!

By randomaccountnam | 0

#740826 - Monday 28 December 2010 16:38

YDI for thinking that the word "finally" is appropriate after 3 days.

irishfever | 0

#741589 - Tuesday 29 December 2010 0:11

ha that was exactly what I was thinking

monzach | 5

#2715203 - Sunday 19 June 2011 11:15

that's when the FML was posted, not when it was made. it was just coincidental timing

By padlarf | 14

#740833 - Monday 28 December 2010 16:43

Finally? It's been 3 days

By youthink_fml | 0

#740842 - Monday 28 December 2010 16:50

How is this a FML? F your dog's life.

daengh | 15

#740931 - Monday 28 December 2010 18:10

You got that right.

By Shmeaty | 0

#740860 - Monday 28 December 2010 17:02

I don't see how this is a FML.

By jpgray1982 | 0

#740862 - Monday 28 December 2010 17:03

is your dad 5 year old?

By Dont_Explain | 3

#740945 - Monday 28 December 2010 18:18

Your mother has bald patches? Jesus, that's terrible. :(

GimmeFive | 10

#4290620 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 21:06

Too far

By sharon_ellj | 0

#740954 - Monday 28 December 2010 18:21

Omg dude, i woke up this morning and my dog was completely shaved! She has a bald spot too! Hahaha i agree with #8 though...