Work: Today, my coworker called in to say that he couldn't make it... - FML

By HowAreYouAlive - 09/07/2014 04:24 - United States - Ashburn

Today, my coworker called in to say that he couldn't make it to work today because he was in a coma and asked if I could cover his shift. This isn't the first time he's tried to use this excuse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 629

You deserved it 3 881

Walk on the wild side

What?

Planned assault

By Misunderstood Waitress - 06/11/2012 22:37 - United States

Today, I was waitressing for a huge family. Their bill was $750. Excited about the tip, I was shocked to see only $0.50. As they were leaving, I threw the two whole quarters at their heads. Guess who also got fired today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 690

You deserved it 49 687

By Badaboom - 23/05/2011 10:54 - Netherlands

Spicy

Today, my 3-year-long dry spell was about to end. A lovely lady over for dinner, good food, wine and lots of laughs. Things heated up nicely in the bedroom when a playful wrestle made my bed shift, snapping two of its legs. The bed collapsed, totally ruining the mood. The dry spell continues. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 745

You deserved it 6 312

By IngenuityAbsent - 22/02/2015 13:54 - Canada - Grimsby

Today, I had a dream where I whacked my head against my shelf. I woke up immediately after, freaked out and whacked my head against my shelf. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 179

You deserved it 4 732

By fatass - 20/04/2015 17:01 - United States - Kearney

Today, I received several pairs of panties in the mail that I'd ordered online. When I opened the box, I was shocked because every pair was basically huge granny-panties. I was sure none would fit properly, but I tried them on to be sure. They fit perfectly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 447

You deserved it 7 856

By tillyg15 - 02/05/2012 11:18 - United Kingdom - Droitwich

Today, I had to ring up our local competitors to get prices for paint. I pretended I'd just bought a house and was doing it up, and I actually got excited about doing up a make-believe house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 261

You deserved it 4 837

By Anonymous - 14/04/2016 05:13 - United States

Today, after a long day, I energetically took off my belt to take my pants off and relax. In doing so, I whipped the belt around in the air, causing it to spin around and slap me right in my tender ballsack. I almost threw up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 774

You deserved it 5 767

By anonymous - 07/10/2011 15:09 - Australia

Today, my Dad's banjo arrived, as part of his mid-life crisis. It would be fine if he could play it but unfortunately he's tone deaf. He hasn't stopped playing it for the last 4 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 685

You deserved it 2 682

By imeanreallytho - 11/09/2015 16:20 - United States

Today, I was in the bathroom at work. The lock on the stall door broke, and I couldn't open it. I was all alone and I started having a mini panic attack. After several minutes of frantically trying to fix the lock and hyperventilating, I realized I could just crawl under the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 912

You deserved it 8 838

By phonebaby - 18/11/2014 01:04 - United States - Stamford

Today, my friend asked me to order take out for him because he gets nervous on phones. I called a chinese restaurant, only to get nervous and hang up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 526

You deserved it 7 608

By jfields2474 - 16/03/2015 04:37 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my dad turned off our cable. The reason? His favorite character from The Walking Dead died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 663

You deserved it 3 564

By Anonymous - 29/06/2013 14:57 - United States

Today, I've come to the conclusion that my phone addiction is getting out of control after I typed my PIN code into the microwave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 601

You deserved it 39 752

By Anonymous - 16/07/2009 06:15 - United States

Spicy

Today, at the end of a night of heavy drinking, I decided it was a good idea to go off into the park with a friend of mine. We ended up fooling around in the park, when a couple of kids stole our clothes. We had to walk back to town with no clothes on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 492

You deserved it 74 080

By Trainwreck - 13/12/2009 17:56 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having a serious talk. He told me that I was a quick-tempered emotional train wreck. He then said, "You know how we talked about getting married? Now the only way I'd marry you was if hell froze over." He smiled, gave me a kiss, and went to bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 930

You deserved it 6 692

By Anonymous - 19/06/2012 03:33 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was getting dirty with my boyfriend. It was the first time he had fingered anyone, and the only thing he said was, "It feels like the inside of my asshole." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 262

You deserved it 4 596

Alas, poor Donatello

By randomsamm - 17/10/2019 04:00 - United States - Birmingham

Today, I bought a turtle after wanting one for years. I was told that he was scared, so he would be put in a box for me to take home. It wasn't until I got to my car that I noticed that they sold me a dead turtle. I'm not getting a refund because they claimed I killed it in less than 5 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 890

You deserved it 204

By Anonymous - 18/07/2019 20:00

Today, my father, who I haven't spoken to in over 12 years, contacted me. He just wanted to let me know that I should get tested for a rare neurological disease. The only thing the man has given to me since my conception is potentially a death certificate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 885

You deserved it 104

By MDoremis - 24/02/2015 04:58 - United States - Honolulu

Today, I bought How To Train Your Dragon and the cashier started complaining how her kids keep demanding dragon stuff and that mine will start after they see the movie. I don't have any kids, and I didn't have the courage to tell her I was buying it for myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 016

You deserved it 5 326

By now what - 23/02/2015 23:52 - Canada

Today, I got laid off. I abandoned my friends, my boyfriend and moved 10 hours away for this job because my uncle convinced me to. My uncle is my employer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 031

You deserved it 4 843

By Telemistake - 30/04/2009 18:03 - United States

Today, a telemarketer called for my dad. Jokingly, I said, "I haven't seen him for like five days...I'm starting to get worried," in my best child-like voice. Apparently the telemarketer called Child Protective Services. I'm 20. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 158

You deserved it 69 223

Block-cocked

By Anonymous - 05/08/2021 19:31 - India - Bangalore

Today, I finally met a guy I was interested in, after being a single 21 year-old virgin, but my brother decided to be overprotective and drag me away. Like, literally. FML

I agree, your life sucks 865

You deserved it 80

By fml - 10/08/2013 10:48 - United States - Perry

Today, my new husband and I were called up to have our first dance at our wedding. While I rested my head on his shoulder, he whispered the most romantic thing to me: "Your breath stinks." FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 550

You deserved it 12 239

Sliced and diced

By Anonymous - 14/09/2020 08:01

Spicy

Today, our sons, who we thought were asleep, came barging into our room in the middle of the first blowjob my wife has given me in weeks. She was so shocked, she bit down and pulled away at the same time, tearing the big vein on the top of my cock. I had to go to hospital for blood loss and stitches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 038

You deserved it 192

By Anonymous - 25/05/2011 13:55 - Australia

Today, my boss and I were preparing a lunch order for a nearby real-estate agency. I noticed that the order was riddled with spelling mistakes, so I laughed and mocked the realtors calling them stupid and incompetent. My boss then pointed out that the order was written in his handwriting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 908

You deserved it 40 734

By callmeclarence - 23/06/2014 05:41 - United States - Valencia

Today, I took my clothes off for a shower at an RV campsite. I started running the water when I noticed there was a pack of hornets in the bathroom. I stood there, stark naked, waiting for a chance to get out, for four hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 003

You deserved it 5 589

By Rob - 18/12/2013 17:47 - United States - Franklin

Spicy

Today, while looking for some socks in my mom's dresser, I found a male g-string and an edible bra. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 288

You deserved it 16 890

By anonymous - 18/03/2013 09:17 - United States - Torrance

Today, I was over at a friend's house feeding her cats while she was on vacation. After feeding the four of them, I found an extra cat under the sofa. Thinking it was an intruding stray, I kicked it out. She actually has 5 cats. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 809

You deserved it 57 183

By HotelClerk - 22/01/2010 06:37 - United States

Today, somebody stopped by the front desk at the hotel I work at to report a vehicle had its headlights on. I wrote down the info, including the plate. Hours later, after my shift was over, I finally realized that it was MY vehicle. The battery was dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 098

You deserved it 42 376

By Dkim620 - 07/01/2013 03:16 - United States

Today, I was running on the treadmill at my local gym when I saw a girl I like a lot. I called out to her to say hi. As she was coming over, I accidentally stepped on the belt with one foot, crashed down on the treadmill, and continued to slide down in front of her, emerging with a gashed knee and arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 432

You deserved it 4 343

By no_leather_of_any_kind - 07/04/2009 07:08 - United States

Today, I went on a date with this girl I met online. The conversation drifted and we were talking about how we'd prefer to die, if we had a choice. I said, "I want to skydive over the ocean without a parachute." She said she wants to be made into a wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 358

You deserved it 9 639

Sharing is caring

By Anonymous - 11/02/2021 14:01

Today, I poured myself a glass of Coke from the bottle in the fridge. While drinking it, I saw tiny pieces floating in it. Apparently, my boyfriend had drunk straight from the bottle in the morning, felt sick and threw up. He then put the bottle back in the fridge. I just drank my boyfriend's vomit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 201

You deserved it 109

First Dates

By mildver - 20/04/2009 04:51 - Costa Rica

Today, I went to a date with a girl I thought liked me. We sat down at a restaurant, ordered some food and started talking. After 30 minutes, she said with a sigh of relief, "THANK GOD! There's my dad. Now I can leave. Bye, thanks for the dinner." The food hadn't even arrived yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 358

You deserved it 4 564

By Anonymous - 26/07/2015 16:36 - Finland - Vammala

Today, my girlfriend called me and said she needs to take a break from our relationship. Why? Her really clingy ex is really depressed about her dating someone else and he isn't ready to accept it. So she wants to take a break "for his sake" until he's over her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 891

You deserved it 2 340

By fuckingcool - 14/12/2016 20:59 - United States - Ortonville

Today, my friend was complaining to me that she's gained 20 pounds and it's all gone to her butt and boobs. Meanwhile, I've also gained 20 pounds, and it's gone straight to my stomach. She looks better than she did before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 932

You deserved it 702

By Nikki - 13/05/2015 00:33 - United States - Satellite Beach

Today, I went to bring my 92-year-old neighbor some cake we had just made. When I walked in, she was wearing pants. That's it. I stared blinking in shock for a few seconds before running away, yelling, "So sorry. I brought you cake. Real tired. Gonna sleep now. Bye." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 949

You deserved it 3 555

By stupidprankster - 09/03/2012 10:10 - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny to scare my dad for once, since he has scared me for fun dozens of times. It would have been funny, had he not punched me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 413

You deserved it 7 448

By cedechan - 29/09/2012 04:08 - United States - Tucson

Today, I got food poisoning at work. I had my head in the toilet when the auto flush decided to turn on. The force of the flush was so powerful half of what I threw up splashed back into my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 635

You deserved it 2 456

By mr. machine - 31/08/2019 04:00 - United States

Today, my 19-year-old daughter got a haircut. When I asked her if she tipped the hairdresser, she looked at me in horror and asked, "You’re supposed to tip hairdressers?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 280

You deserved it 630

By Dooh - 17/01/2012 23:12 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I've found out that since beginning my new heavy workout regime, my testosterone levels have gone through the roof, making me constantly horny. My girlfriend lives on another continent. The reason I'm working out so hard? To impress her when I see her next. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 992

You deserved it 4 984

By Paramedic - 17/11/2009 11:16 - United Kingdom

Today, I was the paramedic at the scene of a car accident. One lady was hurt, and we had trouble getting any information from her as she was sobbing. I radioed in the details and said "...a lady in her mid 30's, ETA 10 minutes." She stopped crying, slapped me, and said, "I'm 28." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 997

You deserved it 4 434

By JP - 18/06/2009 16:11 - Italy

Today, I went to the bank to make a withdrawal in order to celebrate my last day here in Italy with my friends. Apparently I'm overdrawn by 187 dollars so I'm eating nothing but leftover stale crackers to survive until I get free plane food on my way back home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 965

You deserved it 47 838

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Wednesday 9 July 2014 14:18

Surely your manager or whoever isn't dumb enough to fall for someone saying they're in a coma? Like if they're the ones calling in I mean?

theladygamer 10

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Wednesday 9 July 2014 14:19

Seems like your coworker is a special kind of stupid.

Comments

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Wednesday 9 July 2014 14:18

Surely your manager or whoever isn't dumb enough to fall for someone saying they're in a coma? Like if they're the ones calling in I mean?

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Wednesday 9 July 2014 14:20

Stop calling me Surely!

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Wednesday 9 July 2014 14:35

Of course no one is stupid enough to fall for that. What he probably meant to say was that he's pregnant and needs to go on maternity leave. That's a much more valid excuse for a guy like him.

Cian_1 28

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Wednesday 9 July 2014 16:51

Definitely is a much more valid excuse. I see guys popping out babies everyweek where I live. It's just too mainstream for females to do it nowadays, you see.

rocker_chick23 27

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Wednesday 9 July 2014 19:19

#4, that "joke" stopped being funny the minute it was thought up.

incoherentrmblr 21

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Wednesday 9 July 2014 21:43

#44, I take it you haven't seen the movie Airplane...

zebrainthenight 13

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Friday 11 July 2014 7:04

Or you can tell him that you can't cover his shift because you will be in a coma as soon as your shift ends.

IStoleTheCookies 16

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Friday 11 July 2014 18:45

Explain to him that sitting at home alone in his tightie whities eating beans from a can and singing to his cat can often be mistaken for a "mental coma" but actually maybe he's just one sandwich short of a picnic.

ThomasBombadil 31

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Wednesday 9 July 2014 14:19

Hang up.

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Wednesday 9 July 2014 14:34

Agreed, should he call to ask because "he's in a coma" just hang up mid-sentence and just bring it up to the manager.

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Wednesday 9 July 2014 23:54

or just say you can't your in a coma as well

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Wednesday 16 July 2014 22:48

I'm pretty sure that he is to late to hang up now.

theladygamer 10

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Wednesday 9 July 2014 14:19

Seems like your coworker is a special kind of stupid.

TrippingOnAcid 29

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Wednesday 9 July 2014 15:01

*insert "r u a wizard" meme* (with regards to the coworker)

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Wednesday 9 July 2014 17:24

How about we don't number 19. That's about as intelligent as your username.

CaptainSmith28 19

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Thursday 10 July 2014 2:21

Never go full retard.

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Wednesday 9 July 2014 14:20

Just tell him you arent doing it.He'll either have to do it or get fired.

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Wednesday 9 July 2014 14:20

No, no he probably was in a 'coma' if it stood for colossally oblique meandering asshole...

lailagothgal 16

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Wednesday 9 July 2014 14:20

I'm not sure he knows what a coma is.

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Wednesday 9 July 2014 15:51

The sad thing is, when they beat him into a coma for his stupidity, there will be no one to call and say he won't be coming in.

hufflepuffle 13

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Wednesday 9 July 2014 14:20

"Yeah I know last time I said I was in a coma when I really wasn't but this time I swear I'm not lying"

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Wednesday 9 July 2014 14:21

Stupid is as stupid does, OP.

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Wednesday 9 July 2014 17:18

Forrest Gump reference.

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Wednesday 9 July 2014 14:23

Does he fall down a lot? No one can be that stupid surely

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Wednesday 9 July 2014 14:24

So are you, problem solved

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Wednesday 9 July 2014 17:45

The thing about puns/jokes is that they have to make sense.

cryssycakesx3 22

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Thursday 10 July 2014 9:06

I understood it :/

QueenofWheels 13

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Thursday 10 July 2014 18:08

?

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 545

You deserved it 75

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 167

You deserved it 285