Health: Today, I had to show up at an anti-drugs lecture with full-blown...

By Anonymous - 01/11/2014 15:28 - Canada - Sooke

Today, I had to show up at an anti-drugs lecture with full-blown pink eye. It's from an ongoing bacterial infection, but the speaker said he'd heard that excuse a hundred times before, and shamed me in front of everyone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 443

You deserved it 3 012

Health

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Sweet, my ass

Not the sharpest tool

Thanks guys

By Anonymous - 03/03/2021 14:30 - United States - Alexandria

Today I was offered an opportunity on Instagram from a local lady to take photos of her home for her. I told my friends, because I was shocked. They were shocked too. But in the nicest terms possible, they were shocked because my Instagram "isn’t really professional enough to get such offers." Ouch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 744

You deserved it 138

Gig economy

By Anonymous - 11/08/2020 08:01

Today, I remembered that I chose my career of the last decade because, unlike my job in the dying newspaper industry, "concerts aren’t going anywhere." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 421

You deserved it 150

By gedderdunn - 24/05/2010 06:13 - Reserved

Today, I went on a first date, where my date managed to fall in a creek, take me to his house and measure my height, show me family pictures, and perform the Soulja Boy dance in his living room. All while wearing swim trunks because his pants were drying and he didn't have extras. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 076

You deserved it 7 742

By _The__Doctor_ - 31/12/2012 22:44 - United States - Venice

Today, my skydiving instructor casually remarked that he wouldn't mind "diving into" me sometime. He was strapped to my back the whole way down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 188

You deserved it 3 697

By peapapeanut - 15/07/2019 20:06

Today, after months of my best friend telling me we were going to be roommates and moving to a new city together, with me trusting her, she ditched me because “everyone” told her not to live with me. She’s still moving, and we’re going to be in the same school and class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 614

You deserved it 129

Judgment Day

By Anonymous - 29/05/2016 12:06 - United States - Pratt

Today, my fiancé and I are house-sitting for my future in-laws for the next 3 weeks. They left a bible in both bedrooms, along with printouts of an article denouncing the "sin" of premarital sex. They're such complete whack-jobs, I wouldn't be surprised if they've set up hidden cameras everywhere too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 384

You deserved it 1 840

By Anonymous - 16/02/2012 19:41 - United States

Today, I was holding my 3 year old brother, and apparently he thinks it's hilarious to pull my tank top down and scream ''BOOBS!'' in public. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 800

You deserved it 4 947

By double trouble - 04/05/2015 04:04

Today, I found my bike that was stolen a week ago in front of someone's house. Now this wouldn't have been a problem if my husband didn't steal it to go meet with his girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 791

You deserved it 2 546

Extreme shot reaction

By Exhausted - 14/06/2021 05:31 - India - Chennai

Today, a day after my mom and I got the vaccine, we've been doing everything around the house with one hand each through the pain. My dad hasn't helped out at all despite my requests, and sees nothing wrong with this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 749

You deserved it 243

By Snowin2007 - 09/01/2010 08:16 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend that I loved his flaming red hair. He told me that he loved the fuzz on my butt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 112

You deserved it 7 496

By Anonymous - 07/04/2014 17:43 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, in an attempt to potty train my step-son, my boyfriend and I put underwear on him, hoping that when he peed himself, he would realize using the potty is the way to go. Instead, he peed while sitting on the couch, got up, took off the underwear, and then switched seats. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 617

You deserved it 13 440

By B'Dawk - 14/10/2018 13:30

Today, I found out my girlfriend has been putting boogers in my belly button when I don't pay attention to her while we watch tv. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 629

You deserved it 1 626

By the poor man - 05/09/2015 17:36 - Australia - Perth

Today, at a party that was pretty big, I thought it would be funny to photobomb a photo. In doing so, I slipped over and snapped my arm in. I may now have to get surgery. The good thing is I made a hell of a photobomb. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 117

You deserved it 10 154

By Theo - 18/12/2009 06:52 - United States

Today, I came home to find my room completely torn apart. My mom and dad start yelling at me asking me why I am doing drugs because she found a tiny baggie on the floor. It was the little bag that spare buttons come in when you buy a dress shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 806

You deserved it 2 215

By Anonymous - 30/12/2012 23:58 - United States - Denver

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me with the prettiest, most simple ring I have ever seen. I called my sister to tell her the good news, and her response was, "I know. He had me steal the ring from Claire's." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 780

You deserved it 4 028

By random - 06/05/2009 08:57 - United States

Today, I got my hair dyed at a fancy salon. While the stylist was pulling out the foils in my hair I sat up and started screaming in pain because the hot foils were burning my scalp. All she said was "oh, you're fine". I went back home to find an oozing burn wound on my scalp. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 930

You deserved it 4 308

By Sad bitch - 18/06/2018 19:00

Today, I realized why my lavender products were no longer helping me calm down. I use lavender so much when I'm anxious that I've associated the smell with anxiety. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 452

You deserved it 677

By YouWish - 25/08/2016 03:57 - United States - Mount Pleasant

Today, on my way to work, I was checking my hair in the semi-reflective window of an office building. I suddenly realized that the guy I had a one-night stand with last week was standing on the other side, looking confused. He now genuinely believes that I am stalking him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 325

You deserved it 1 652

By kinlin - 02/06/2018 19:00

Today, an attractive woman looked in my direction and smiled. My wife saw this and stomped on my foot, and I screamed like a little girl from the pain. People turned and stared. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 985

You deserved it 902

By sn-511 - 01/03/2013 22:54 - Italy - Naples

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend, and after a while, she moved her hand down to my crotch. She felt my erection, then got up and yelled at me, calling me a horny pig for "assuming we were going to have sex." FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 776

You deserved it 5 961

Branded

By Anonymous - 20/10/2021 07:00 - United States - Eau Claire

Today, I was talking to a friend on the phone, asking him pick me up for a cookout while his kids were yelling in the background, asking where my friend, their dad, was going. He jokingly answered them, "To pick up my ugly friend." They quickly replied with my name, out of the dozens of friends he hangs out more with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 835

You deserved it 96

By anonymous - 18/06/2009 14:04 - Norway

Today, I saw my crush walking on the other side of the street. She hadn't noticed me, so when she did I nonchalantly looked over and casually waved to look cool. I then walked right into a lamp post. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 557

You deserved it 38 092

By Starving Student - 17/05/2012 03:42 - United States - Tacoma

Today, I got a ticket for panhandling to get gas money so that I could both drive out to a job interview AND still have enough gas to pick up my dad. Apparently, these particular cops had nothing better to do than harass me for standing quietly next to a freeway entrance with a silly sign. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 070

You deserved it 28 832

Alas…

By Mum2be - 15/08/2021 04:01

Today, I saved a kitten from the streets, cleaned her up and asked the vet what I should do with her because she was the sweetest thing and my cat has a highly contagious illness. The vet had to put her down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 879

You deserved it 90

Three years

By sleep deprived - 15/11/2019 20:00

Today, it's been three years since my sister gave me a kitten. Coincidentally, it’s also been three years since I've had sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 500

You deserved it 335

Squits

By fishtities - 07/04/2016 04:56 - United States - Dallas

Today, as a reward for starting to eating healthy, I got the squits at work. After going to the restroom, my stall didn't have toilet paper, the other two stalls didn't have any either. My boss definitely noticed too when he walked in on me with my pants around my ankles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 649

You deserved it 1 724

By nl4 - 01/11/2013 23:55 - Israel - Tel Aviv

Today, my family got together for a big game of paintball. My grandpa wanted to play too, but I told him he was a bit too old for such a rough sport. He joined anyway, and spent the whole 2 hours hunting my dumb ass down. I'm now in constant pain after being riddled with paintballs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 872

You deserved it 56 121

By singleladynow - 20/01/2011 05:04 - United States

Today, I bought something special at Victoria's Secret, then sat in bumper-to-bumper traffic for 2 hours to get to my boyfriend's house. When I got there, he broke up with me. We're 37 years old and he actually gave me the "it's not you, it's me" speech. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 293

You deserved it 3 388

By Anonymous - 03/07/2011 16:21 - United States

Today, my boss fired me for dating a co-worker. There's no policy forbidding it; he just thought it was unfair that I could get with the "hottest girl who works here" but he can't. I live in an at-will employment state. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 574

You deserved it 3 256

By tukkies - 03/10/2010 09:23 - South Africa

Today, my friend and I offered a hot girl a lift home from campus. I was sitting in the passenger seat and she climbed in behind me. As I adjusted my seat forward to give her more leg room, my friend pulled off - slamming my seat back into her legs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 065

You deserved it 4 235

By backseatbusted - 21/05/2013 16:09 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate in the backseat of his car, when a police car pulled up behind us. My mom later told me that intimacy was fine, just not in a car. We were in the car because she told me that intimacy was fine, just not in her house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 704

You deserved it 12 960

What a tit

By Anonymous - 17/01/2021 10:59 - United States - Farmingdale

Today, I stabbed myself in the nipple with scissors trying to cut an opening in the supposedly hands-free pumping bra I just bought. I breastfeed my 5-day-old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 741

You deserved it 296

By Noname - 10/03/2009 09:56 - United States

Today, I was giving a friend a neck rub, when she started to breathe heavily. So I figured she was getting into it, so I started kissing her neck, she then turns around and says "Tell my room mate I'm having an asthma attack." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 972

You deserved it 61 151

By Ramis182 - 03/10/2011 04:26 - United States

Today, my son thought it was a good idea to spray deodorant into his mouth because he wanted fresh breath. This resulted in him passing out. My son is 17. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 687

You deserved it 5 992

By IndianAngel96 - 29/10/2012 22:39 - United States - Houston

Today, while in a pharmacy, I walked over to the shaving cream aisle. I picked up a can to smell it and unknowingly pushed the button, spraying an old guy in front of me. He freaked out and started telling everyone that the ceiling above him was leaking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 477

You deserved it 17 328

How do I put it?

By weswithaute - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - Australia

Today, my daughter asked me how to spell "Orange". "O-R-A-N-G-E," I replied. Without missing a beat, she says, "No, I mean the colour, not the fruit." She's 16. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 692

You deserved it 7 967

By Anonymous - 28/07/2013 17:38 - Slovenia - Ruse

Today, on his way out of our apartment, my roommate's friend reached over and grabbed a handful of my popcorn. I was only mildly annoyed, until a little later, when I pulled out from between my teeth what could only have been a pubic hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 551

You deserved it 3 515

By anyonmus - 12/04/2013 00:59 - United States - Westminster

Today, I went for a run, and my own dog attacked me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 211

You deserved it 9 681

Fun

By :$. - 06/07/2012 21:30 - United States

Today, my boyfriend came to a family barbecue. I guess my dad heard him talking about the "fun" we'd be having later, because over the next two hours, he tripped my boyfriend up on concrete, threw a beer can at him, and sprayed him full-force with a water hose. All "accidentally" of course. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 785

You deserved it 7 599

By brokebihhhh - 02/01/2017 09:22 - United States

Today, I decided to catch a flight to see my boyfriend, who is stationed in the army 300 miles away. When I was just 15 minutes from the base he called to say that we should break up. Now I'm heading back to California, single and broke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 877

You deserved it 628

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Top comments

devildog562 33

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Saturday 1 November 2014 23:41

I think I'd rather you be high then have pink eye around me. Really sucks though, you should have taken the opportunity to rub the bacterium on him . My thing though is why did you show up with a contagious infection?

emeester 7

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Saturday 1 November 2014 23:36

That's really stupid. Sorry OP :/

emeester 7

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Saturday 1 November 2014 23:36

That's really stupid. Sorry OP :/

devildog562 33

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Saturday 1 November 2014 23:41

OhWhoCares 42

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Sunday 2 November 2014 0:28

Probably didn't want to lose their job or face punishment for skipping it :/

sayyestothedress 24

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Sunday 2 November 2014 13:43

#18 but if he explained the pink eye situation, I think OP's boss would understand! (If OP was going to her/his job/assignment)

flowerpowergirl 10

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Tuesday 4 November 2014 8:58

OP never said it was contagious..

davidpropert 32

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Tuesday 4 November 2014 21:20

Pink eye is a contagious infection so OP didn't really need to remind us

Rababco 29

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Tuesday 31 May 2016 5:32

#52 To be fair, I think the only way it can spread is if she rubs her eyes and doesn't wash her hands afterwards. I could be wrong though. Also, if only has it in one eye then she shouldn't rub the other eye without washing her hands afterwards because it will spread to the other eye. I had Pink eye a couple times when I was younger and that's what my parents told me. I think she's also supposed to be taking an antibiotic or eye drops.

abbyycarper 13

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Saturday 1 November 2014 23:41

hope you get better (:

HelloooooNurse 20

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Saturday 1 November 2014 23:41

You could always..... touch her with your germy pink eye fingers.

silvercamaro 22

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Saturday 1 November 2014 23:54

Aaand this is why bacteria spreads

ChristianH39 30

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Sunday 2 November 2014 5:16

I'd say that speaker deserves pink eye just to feel like an idiot when they realize OP was telling the truth.

Vegetarian27 24

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Sunday 2 November 2014 10:42

*him

thattheatregirl 1

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Saturday 1 November 2014 23:42

He had no right to call you out like that! Sorry OP! :(

alex_the_tiger 14

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Saturday 1 November 2014 23:43

Stand up for yourself or report him, that's pretty immature and ridiculous.

Gaernem 17

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Saturday 1 November 2014 23:44

Whip it out and take your drug test right then and there. Nothing wrong with a little nudity.

MzZombicidal 36

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Saturday 1 November 2014 23:54

Yes, because randomly "whipping" her vagina out would totally convince him OP isn't on drugs!

BvbArmy_0 18

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Saturday 1 November 2014 23:52

I would have shamed him for assuming the worst of people and asked him if he even har any friends because of his behavior

Sathane 21

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Sunday 2 November 2014 0:02

Give him your pink eye. ;)

turdoblast 21

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Sunday 2 November 2014 0:06

is pink eye not normally accompanied by a stickiness or is that not in all cases? whenever I have eye infections, they are crusty and sticky and awful. hope your eye clears up soon and that person had no right to make such a strong assumption, just because it's an overused excuse doesn't mean it's not true in some cases.

devildog562 33

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Sunday 2 November 2014 1:54

Bacterial and viral pink eye (conjunctivitis) are different. Greenish mucous ooze is a sign of bacterial. They both accompany a pinkish hue. Either way it's no fun for anyone involved. Certain STIs can cause this or fecal matter and allergens , chlorine,dirt , etc