Today, I found out my 15-year-old cat is having gas problems...

By raven_of_azarath

Today, I found out my 15-year-old cat is having gas problems when she farted in my face. My mouth was open. FML

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Child labor

Co-parenting

Miscommunication

By Anonymous - United States - Jonesboro

Today, at the small daycare I run, I turned around to put something away. I heard a splashing sound and then saw one of my kids vomiting. He puked several times, and managed to hit the only rug in the entire house. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lancaster

Today, my boyfriend of three years, whom I recently got engaged to, asked me to take a photo of my mother's boobs while she was sleeping so that he could see what mine would look like when I got older. FML

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By severely late.... again!

Today, as I got on the bus to commute to work, its front right tire exploded. Everyone, including the driver, glared at me while getting off. The next bus arrives in 2 hours. FML

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Today, a guest at my restaurant asked me what a tip was. I had to awkwardly explain to him that servers don't make hourly wages, and we rely on tips from customers to make money. After I finished, he laughed at me, called me a sucker, and stiffed me on a $120 tab. FML

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By Owned - Taiwan

Today, me and a friend I met in the club were sandwiching this blonde girl dancing, when 5 minutes later she turned around and said that I should get another girl and gently brushed me aside. FML

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By Courtney - United States

Today, only after I almost knocked myself out cold with the shampoo bottle, did I finally get some out. FML

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By Got_any_grapes1 - United States

Today, the girl I was babysitting was being disrespectful to me, so I took away her stuffed animal and told her that she couldn't have it back until she apologized. She ended up sneaking onto my laptop and deleting all the pictures I'd saved from my recent vacation to Europe. FML

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By T3kM4n - United States - Spokane

Today, I've been recovering for a week from my medically needed circumcision. I'm 30, and they advise you wear essentially a jock strap for the first week to help. It wasn't too bad until I went to take the thing off and it caught a stitch on my manhood. That's the most unique pain ever. FML

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By weddingsalwayssuck - United States - Fayetteville

Today, I found out my best friend has been stealing hundreds of dollars from me and my fiancé. My wedding is tomorrow morning. Guess who my best man is. FML

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By interphaseprophasemetaphase - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I took my laptop to I.T. to fix my internet. Only after I left did I realise my memory technique for remembering the stages of mitosis (Iraqi penis man anally transmits chlamydia) was left as a sticky note on my desktop. The guy definitely noticed. FML

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By James - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, the power in my village went out. This caused the back-up battery powered alarm to go off. Nobody in the house even knew our alarm worked, let alone how to make it stop. It's been going off for over an hour now. FML

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By SadAndCold - 11/10/2020 07:01 - United Kingdom - London

Pull your shit together, Bezos

Today, my Amazon delivery was delayed. I just moved to a new place and that delivery had my pillow and blanket. I can't go buy them in person since I'm self-isolating and the heating isn't working either. Guess I'm sleeping in the freezing cold on the bare mattress one more night. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Union City

Today, some jackass in an Iron Man mask nailed me in the head with a quarter while I was helping other customers. Minimum wage isn't worth this crap. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Herkenbosch

Today, I tried coming on to my fiancé. He just pushed me off and got out of bed, saying he wasn't in the mood. A half hour later, I caught him jerking off to several windows of porn. FML

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By damniphone - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my friend thought it would be funny to change the language setting on my phone to Mandarin. Unfortunately, neither of us knows Mandarin, and we can't change it back to English. FML

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By lolo - Israel - Ofaqim

Today, I downloaded a movie that I already own on DVD, because I was feeling too lazy to get up and fetch it from the living room. I think I've hit rock bottom. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - North Battleford

Today, my mother accused me of "cooking cocaine", after she found a slightly discoloured spoon in my room. FML

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By pinks - United States

Today, when my son woke up from his nap, he sleepily reached up. I picked him up and gave him a big hug, and he immediately pushed me away. He wasn't reaching for me, he was reaching for the bag of chips on the table next to me. FML

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By Anonymous

Class act

Today, after 5 years, an engagement, and me being 5 months pregnant, my boyfriend downloaded Tinder again. 2020 is really great. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Federal Way

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She got incredibly excited and started flapping her hands around. Then she suddenly went deadpan and said "But seriously... no." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my college dormitory accused me of something I didn't do, breaking a law that I never heard of, charged me $200 to fix "what I did wrong", and is forcing me to go to counciling at the school. Not only was I not on campus when it happened, but I was the one who reported the problem. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2020 02:01

Sounds like a catch

Today, I accidentally got pregnant by my boyfriend of three years and now I’m 4 months pregnant, single and we don’t even talk anymore. The best part is that he doesn’t believe I’m pregnant, nor that it’s his. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/12/2020 17:04 - Germany

New life

Today, after losing my job, my apartment and my man, I had to move back in with my mom, at 37. She’s a total slob; I can’t function without clean, organized spaces. So, hey, at least I have a new full-time job now: cleaning up after her. FML

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By tryingatkins - United States

Today, I was on the elevator going up to a meeting, and the elevator was getting more and more crowded as we went up. After about ten people got on, they all agreed that I should get off the elevator because they thought me being on was exceeding the weight limit. FML

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By fyou - United States

Today, I am contemplating ending my relationship of 6 years. My boyfriend is too busy playing with a plastic guitar to listen. FML

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By ronnieG - United States - Decatur

Today, my wife and I were having a fight, when she grabbed my car keys and threw them over into the neighbors overgrown junk yard. My car is a restored '59 Belvedere and the keys can't be replaced. I've been looking for hours and I still can't find them. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Phoenix

Today, like every other day for the past two weeks, the strange cat that has adopted me inexplicably made its way into my house and curled up next to my head while I slept. I'm horribly allergic. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found my phone under the car seat after three days. I flipped it open ready to issue apologies to everyone who had tried to get in touch with me and I had worried. No missed calls. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was working as a paramedic when my patient's colostomy bag exploded all over me. I was covered in fecal matter, with 5 hours left on my shift. FML

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By Anonyme - Switzerland - Geneve

Today, I was trying to seduce a really good-looking girl, when all of a sudden she leaned in towards me and said, “Sorry, I’m not drunk enough to make out with you.“ FML

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By gb - Australia

Today, I was dancing with the 4 hottest girls I've ever seen at a club, and I fainted. FML

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By unfortunate419 - United States

Today, I brought my new girlfriend over to show off to my family when my senile great-grandmother walked into the room wearing nothing but her underpants asking when the Olympics come on. FML

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By kaitiem224 - United States - Pratt

Today, my boyfriend of one year and seven months left me for not wanting to have a baby yet. I'm seventeen years old. FML

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By tikizombie - Canada

Today, I was moving out of my old place. While walking around to make sure I would get my damage deposit back, I stepped on my roommate's lipstick and smeared it all over the white carpet. Then, I tripped on the phone cord and ripped the whole thing out of the wall. FML

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By CreepyPaperDoll - United States

Today, I went for coffee with some people from work. I lined up to order behind a guy I'd only met a few times. When he paid, he dropped his wallet, and I saw that he had a picture of me cut from the company newsletter, enlarged, and taped inside his wallet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Perris

Today, I realized the reason my 20-year-old daughter has been so moody and aggressive is because she missed the promotional My Little Pony toys at McDonald's. FML

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By Tressa95 - United States - Belleville

Today, I walked into a public restroom and, to my utter surprise, saw a lady squeezing blood out of used tampons. We made eye contact, she continued, and I ran out in horror. FML

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By stuff - United States

Today, I was calling my cable company to tell me how to fix my internet. I stayed on hold for almost half an hour, and then when someone finally picked up, my phone died. FML

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By Crying - United States

Today, I started crying in class because of a sad part in the book I was reading. I got pulled out into the hallway and my male teacher asked, "Is it your special time?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I am two months pregnant. Being super hormonal, I was crying about how much I was crying. My husband put his arms around me to comfort me, and I sobbed so hard that I threw up all over him. FML

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Top comments

By sallygee | 9

#7813401 - Wednesday 19 June 2019 13:07

ewww

By Vern Ehlers | 5

#7813441 - Wednesday 19 June 2019 15:33

Guess you should be glad it was only a fart. Could have been a lot worse...a lot worse.

COMMENTS

By sallygee | 9

#7813401 - Wednesday 19 June 2019 13:07

ewww

By Vern Ehlers | 5

#7813441 - Wednesday 19 June 2019 15:33

Guess you should be glad it was only a fart. Could have been a lot worse...a lot worse.