Animals: Today, I farted so loud that my cat thought that I was growling... - FML

By nullpointer - United States - San Francisco

Today, I farted so loud that my cat thought that I was growling at him, and bit me in self-defense. FML

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Coherence dude, do you have it?

Tense

Generosity

By Keisha

Downsizing awaits

Today, I got a 25-cent raise at work. That would be wonderful, had they not cut 6 hours off my schedule as well. I'm now making $200 less a month than I was pre-raise. FML

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By datgurllllukno - United States

Food for thought

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I discovered that I climax sooner if I think about pretzels. Yes, pretzels. The food product. I'll never be able to eat them again. FML

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By Annonymous - United States - Fallbrook

Today, my water got cut off. The previous homeowners owed the water company over $300, and the company doesn't believe that I'm not them. The supervisor told me this will keep happening until I pay up. I need a shower. FML

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By julesmommy - United States

Today, my husband used our last $2000 to buy himself a motorcycle. It's supposed to "save us a lot on gas money." FML

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By that kind of girl - Canada - Mississauga

Price of love

Today, a man asked me on a date. It's been so long, I accepted immediately. He began quoting what seemed like random numbers to me, and it took me a few minutes to work out what he meant. Not only was I mistaken for a prostitute, I'm also worth, at most, $60. FML

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By anonamous - United States

Today, I hugged my dog and kissed her on the side of the face. She responded by mauling me across my own face. FML

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By missclitter - United States

Today, I was at the movies with my boyfriend, when I had to go pee. Halfway down the aisle, I tripped, screamed, and fell face-first into some guy. My boyfriend is now accusing me of cheating and "flirting" with every man I see. FML

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By Username - France

Today, I found out my grandmother doesn't wear underwear when she bent over in front of me in her inappropriately short nightgown. FML

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By ivyleaguebabe - United States

Today, my sister asked me to help her set up for my niece's birthday party. Being the lazy person that I am, I got my niece to blow up the non-helium balloons. Apparently she's allergic to latex and I'll be the one paying for the hospital bill. FML

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By Mamaofdrama

Today, I was working on potty training my daughter. She opened the fridge while I wasn't looking and peed all over the lower shelf. FML

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By notAMrs - United States - Jeffersonville

Today, I called off my engagement, after finding out my fiancé is cheating on me. I recently started a new job, and in anticipation of getting married, I asked that my username include his surname. They can't be changed, so now I get to log in every day under that sorry bastard's surname. FML

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By TabbyCat87 - United States - Lamar

Today, my mom informed me she got married two weeks ago. Hard to congratulate her when this is her eighth husband. FML

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By Lonely Wanker - 26/2/2021 23:00

Cranking

Today, I started to cry while masturbating. This isn't the first time that this has happened. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/7/2020 20:01

Sore

Today, a few hours after me and my husband had sex, he mumbled "This is why I hate sex," as he left to grab some Tylenol. Apparently, he's so out of shape that basic sex made his muscles too sore to sleep. This is the first time in 2 weeks we've had sex. I'm always the one that has to ask for it. FML

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By CrawlingUnderARock

Today, I discovered that a company has been using a photo of me for one of those "she lost 50 pounds" online ads. I'm the "before" photo. FML

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By evanescence - United States

Today, the hottest girl in the entire freshman class was telling her friend she was going to Florida for spring break. She said she would be in the same city I would and I couldnt help but say, "Oh, cool! Maybe I'll see you there!" She simply looked at me and said, "I hope not." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was selected to give my speech to the entire school. I was later told it had to be censored because it was inappropriate, even though I was just trying to make a point. My speech was on political correctness. My speech on political correctness was censored for political reasons. FML

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By all arsed out - United Kingdom - Spalding

Today, I suffered an uncontrollable sneezing attack. I have the runs. It wasn't exactly as bad as I'd have expected. Just a lot worse. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I ate some hardboiled eggs for breakfast, not knowing they were practically rotten. My whole day has consisted of vomit-inducing sulfuric farts and diarrhea. FML

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By fml_seriouslyfml - United States

Today, I left my wallet on top of my car when I filled up with gas. I drove away and didn't realize it until I got home. I went back and found it on the side of the road. Empty of my credit cards, pictures and checks. All that was left was my driver's license. FML

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By Bob

A heads up next time maybe?

Today, when my girlfriend walked out the room, for a laugh, I covered my whole body except my knob in blankets. Then when I heard her come back in, I yelled, "Surprise!" It was her mom, who'd dropped by unannounced. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I rubbed my face in my armpit stubble because it felt like my ex-boyfriend's face. FML

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By LNamesOnly - Australia

Today, I spoke to my hormonal pregnant wife about baby names. I told her I liked the name "Tabitha", and she went into a full rage about how all letters have textures, colours and emotions and how T is an evil letter. Apparently it's orange, plastic, and a needle trying to stab her eyes out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found myself actively concerned about what the characters from "Will and Grace" have been doing since the show went off the air. FML

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By Baby - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I was having sex with an ex when he whispered in my ear, "Who's my baby?" I, being very bad at dirty talk, said, "You." FML

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By - United States - Pleasant Hill

Today my wife came home and said "Before you go into the garage, let me tell you what happened". She was stopped at a traffic light and when it turned green she stepped on the gas, but the truck in front of her did not. The grill was smashed and the car has a 3 inch hole in the bumper. FML

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By Satan - United States

Today, I lost my phone. I tried to call it using my husband's phone, but couldn't figure out which of the three Kates in the contact list was me. Turns out, two are co-workers and one is his aunt. I was listed under Satan. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, feeling angry at the world, I threw a bottle, that had been clearly marked to be recycled, into a garbage can as an act of defiance. Minutes later, I guiltily retreated and spent the next few minutes with my entire arm stuck up the stinking ass of a city garbage can. FML

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By HopelessGRLF

Today, I was talking to a guy I met on a dating site, and he asked if we could meet up and what we should do. When I suggested ice-skating he told me he was in a wheelchair, so I said we could go for a walk instead. I realised my mistake the moment I sent the message. FML

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By Real Life Sucks - United States

Today, it's been exactly 2 years since I graduated college. I make less money in my full-time job now than I did working part-time in college. FML

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By yournick - Canada

Today, at my job as a cashier, a very old man came through my checkout. His purchase consisted of a box of condoms and a can of whipped cream. The creepy smile he gave me has scarred me for life. FML

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By lonely

Today, my boyfriend blocked me from every form of contact. He told my friend that we broke up, but never told me. I still have his clothes in my house. FML

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By Anonymous - Malaysia - Kuala Lumpur

Today, I got cited for "internet plagiarism" and called to the dean's office. I'd been sitting a closed-book written exam, and my teacher had been breathing down my neck the whole time. FML

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By annoymous - Australia - Glenroy

Today, it was the first time I was meeting my guy's parents. Turns out he forgot it was his mum's birthday and I ended up having to meet his whole family. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I found out that the crazy old man that sleep walks naked around my neighborhood every night is my grandpa. And he's not sleepwalking. FML

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By no_service - United States

Today, my phone died. I plugged it in to charge and then went out to run some errands. When I returned, my phone was no where to be found, and our shovel was on the floor, muddy and wet. I then discovered my 6-year old son had buried my "dead" 200$ palmpilot because he had felt sorry for me. FML

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By Sue - United States

Today, I co-starred in a production of Hamlet. Halfway through play, the actor playing Hamlet forgot his lines, threw a raging temper tantrum, screaming about how much he hated the play and how he wanted to go home in front of hundreds of audience members. FML

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By jobless - United States

Today, I discovered out of the 20 job applications only one job called me for an interview. They told me to leave after two sentences. FML

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By heart broken - United States

Today, my husband told me yet again that the last two years have been the worst of his life. Our two year anniversary is next week. FML

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By thelandofoz - United States

Today, I noticed that my clothes had shrunk. My mother seemed to be having trouble with the new washer and dryer so I tried to show her exactly how they work. After my explanation she said "I know how they work. I shrank your clothes to give you some incentive to lose all that belly you got." FML

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Top comments

By tygerarmy | 35

#6664280 - Wednesday 3 August 2016 15:56

Did your cat think you were growling, or did your fart destroy his little cat nose, and he bit you in retaliation?

By Steve95401 | 49

#6664305 - Wednesday 3 August 2016 16:40

The cat might rip his schlong to shreds in retaliation.

COMMENTS

By vinnie_boombotz | 15

#6664277 - Wednesday 3 August 2016 15:54

Haha I imagined the sound in my head with your cat growling back

By loxe_fml | 15

#6664279 - Wednesday 3 August 2016 15:55

Pee on him, show your dominance

Reply

Steve95401 | 49

#6664305 - Wednesday 3 August 2016 16:40

The cat might rip his schlong to shreds in retaliation.

Reply

bickdig69 | 8

#6664432 - Wednesday 3 August 2016 19:48

One time i got drunk and pee'd on my cat he saw my dick dangling and tried to claw it

Reply

hellobobismyname | 24

#6664546 - Wednesday 3 August 2016 22:23

#15 - I just saw you comment on another FML about you peeing during sex. Do you just pull out your schlong and take a piss all willy nilly wherever you go? Or do you have some weird idea that these comments are funny?

By tygerarmy | 35

#6664280 - Wednesday 3 August 2016 15:56

Did your cat think you were growling, or did your fart destroy his little cat nose, and he bit you in retaliation?

By MetalxSoldier | 26

#6664283 - Wednesday 3 August 2016 16:00

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

The12thPaladin | 8

#6664286 - Wednesday 3 August 2016 16:04

Yes, because a cat would totally think that.

Reply

Lalala579121 | 27

#6664574 - Wednesday 3 August 2016 23:35

"Fuck man, this dude is shooting a bazooka at me. I know the best thing to do, bite him on the ass."

By ulissey_fml | 22

#6664296 - Wednesday 3 August 2016 16:25

What else do you expect , with a Fart Guild type cat ?

By jcash52426 | 5

#6664303 - Wednesday 3 August 2016 16:38

Is your car part dog?

By ImKimitheEmo | 21

#6664313 - Wednesday 3 August 2016 16:56

Well carts can be aggressive and smelly so your cat was saying." TAKE IT OUTSIDE!"

Reply

ImKimitheEmo | 21

#6664315 - Wednesday 3 August 2016 16:59

Meant farts auto correct hates me

Reply

Ladisa | 28

#6665297 - Thursday 4 August 2016 21:00

It's okay, your phone just fused "cats" and "farts".

By liquifiednate | 21

#6664346 - Wednesday 3 August 2016 17:50

Just curious OP but is your username a reference to C++?

By LyricaSilvan | 29

#6664363 - Wednesday 3 August 2016 18:22

I'm sorry you earned accidental rage from your cat (and got bitten for it,) but this FML is one of he funniest things I've read in a long time.

By EvilLittleMan | 23

#6664589 - Thursday 4 August 2016 0:13

Actually your contribution to the 1% of the atmosphere could fall into the category "Growler", thus the reason why you pissed off your cat and the little F -er bit your ass.